Am I Receiving Partial Truth?

[SummerDreams]

You can find all these nice things you are talking about in a woman who will love and respect you without cheating with other men. She is not the last woman in the world and definitely she is not the only person who could aknowledge your good qualities and love you. I know it is hard for you to see it now cause it is just a possibility, it is hard to leave something behind and start over. But think that what you leave behind is something rotten, something sickening and unhealthy. There are women out thete who will appreciate you and respect you for who you are. I do hope your wife truly regrets her actions and becomes the perfect wife. But I suggest you make an ultimatum for your own sake.

[tomcook]

I know exactly what you mean. All of the information that you are seeking must come from her. Should you be forced to speak to these other men just to try and get the truth, it will only further prove that she is not worthy of R. But if in your heart you know you will never get passed the unanswered questions, then you have to decide if R is even worth the effort.

 

You are still a young man, and sometimes it's easier to just start fresh and not have to relive the pain of betrayal every time you look at a wSO. If you feel she's truly earned the greatest gift, reconciliation, then by all means give it a go! But she must show true remorse, be 100% truthful and do the heavy lifting to repair the damage she's caused. This is the absolute minimum you should expect from her before entering R.

 

It's very obvious that you still love her, and want to save your marriage. But she has to understand that her actions carry consequences. Don't be too quick to agree to R at her request, until you've healed and all of your questions have been answered to YOUR satisfaction.

 

Very well. Thanks for your thoughtful response. I shall keep this at heart as I am deciding if she is putting a worthy effort of R. I am glad you can see that I still love her. I don't know why sometimes, but there's just something about the GOOD side of her that I enjoy so much.

[tomcook]

Hi Tom,

Having read what you have just posted it is apparent that you have forgiven your wife her indiscretions since you have decided to reconcile. If that be case then there is no point in further investigating her actions as any information that you may discover will only poison your mind against your wife. My own opinion in the matter( which you may please disregard if you so wish) would be to divorce your wife as she has cheated on you in a relatively short span of three years of marriage. To me it does not bode well for the future because this period of your marriage is more like a honeymoon period. You do not have kids but when you do their presence will add a lot of stress on a marriage which is already weak at it's moorings. However you are the man in the hot seat and are the one who is aware of the situation and also the one who should know his wife better than anyone else. It is definitely your call. What ever you choose to do I guess the folks on here would join me in wishing you the very best! Cheers.

 

Thanks a lot JustAGuy, and thank you for being understanding. I'll call it a trial run. I do love her, so I will give her a shot, and see how much effort she is willing to put in. If I see or even smell bull**** though, I'm done. Although I hope that is not the case, I will do what is necessary if that time comes.

[tomcook]

You can find all these nice things you are talking about in a woman who will love and respect you without cheating with other men. She is not the last woman in the world and definitely she is not the only person who could aknowledge your good qualities and love you. I know it is hard for you to see it now cause it is just a possibility, it is hard to leave something behind and start over. But think that what you leave behind is something rotten, something sickening and unhealthy. There are women out thete who will appreciate you and respect you for who you are. I do hope your wife truly regrets her actions and becomes the perfect wife. But I suggest you make an ultimatum for your own sake.

 

I agree with the ultimatum statement. I have already warned her that I will walk if there's bull****. I like to be forgiving, although I have not even come close to forgiving her, but for her benefit although she doesn't deserve it, I will give her a chance to show more of the true remorse, honesty, and 110% effort in repairing the relationship. If that does not go my way even slightly, I am gone, and will go out into the world and find that special woman who will appreciate me and show me loyalty the same way I will for her. Thanks a lot for your response by the way. You're a very motivating person, haha.

[SycamoreCircle]

I agree with the ultimatum statement. I have already warned her that I will walk if there's bull****. I like to be forgiving, although I have not even come close to forgiving her, but for her benefit although she doesn't deserve it, I will give her a chance to show more of the true remorse, honesty, and 110% effort in repairing the relationship. If that does not go my way even slightly, I am gone, and will go out into the world and find that special woman who will appreciate me and show me loyalty the same way I will for her. Thanks a lot for your response by the way. You're a very motivating person, haha.

I can't agree with this. The bull came and went. What are you waiting for? Can she be a lying, cheating, manipulative partner a second time? She has you believing that your reaction to her deceptive behavior was the cause for her further deceptive behavior. You need some distance and perspective. Right now you're in the eye of the storm and can't see things as they really are.

[tomcook]

She has you believing that your reaction to her deceptive behavior was the cause for her further deceptive behavior.

 

Thanks for your response SycamoreCircle. I understand that some folks don't see things clearly in these situations which is why I appreciate all of the input I get on here. Could you elaborate on your quote directly above this?

[SycamoreCircle]

I'm saying end things. Now. Go NC. No second chances.

[fellini]

Note: We have decided to reconcile, and I said I would not leave her regardless of what she tells me (as long as she puts in 110% effort in supporting me and not bull****ting me ever again), because I do love my wife. However, I want to be able to verify that what she's telling me is all. That's why I'm interested in speaking with the guys involved.

 

So, good, you see that involving other players is not going to solve your problems, actually, make them worse.

 

It took my WW more than 8 months to get to the point of telling me all there is to tell. But I have to acknowledge that this does not mean she was hiding HUGE DESTRUCTIVE SECRETS from my perspective. I knew on DDay that sex as involved, by the end of two weeks revealed that she had slept with him only hours before discovery. The secrets she kept from me were "details" that she refused to give because she invested herself so much in her version of him being a predator (which I basically didn't believe anyhow) and her self imposed humiliation not wanting to admit to me that it was she that invited him into her office several weeks before she claimed it "got physical" for a kiss. 8 months trickle truthing to hide the first kiss, when I already knew about the 6 weeks of full on sex. It's not necessarily about details, its about perspective.

 

Is your WW still trickle truthing or not? Probably. But as others have said, you probably have the BIG PICTURE here. If you think you do not, and it's important to you to have more, then I wouldn't use the word reconciliation so flippantly. I would say you are still in the aftermath of discovery. Reconciliation won't come unless you feel you have pretty much the story you need to have to move on with. Does this mean you have all the details? Far from it.

 

Another point is this phrase "don't leave me". I might not be getting the real meaning intended. This is not supposed to be about HER, it's supposed to be about the two of you: You would be giving up / or taking a break from, the marriage, which is not the same thing as "leaving me". Those of the words of needy people who are LESS concerned with reconciliation (of a marriage) and more focused entirely on not being left alone. Just a thought.

 

For this reason it's not much good if only ONE of you has come to the point to what I said earlier: not afraid to walk away. Being not afraid to walk away is empowering. It is not a weak position. It strengthens the marriage because the marriage is built upon a foundation of strength, not weakness, not FEAR, but HOPE

 

If EITHER of you (worse, both) are still in that space, then the marriage is nothing more than a game. One needs to be with the right person for the right reasons. Feeling trapped whether it be psychological, financial, addiction, lazyness, narcissistic or otherwise, is still a trap, and is not a recipe for anything but more drama.

 

Good luck.

Edited September 2, 2015 by fellini

[road]

I agree with the ultimatum statement. I have already warned her that I will walk if there's bull****. I like to be forgiving, although I have not even come close to forgiving her, but for her benefit although she doesn't deserve it, I will give her a chance to show more of the true remorse, honesty, and 110% effort in repairing the relationship. If that does not go my way even slightly, I am gone, and will go out into the world and find that special woman who will appreciate me and show me loyalty the same way I will for her. Thanks a lot for your response by the way. You're a very motivating person, haha.

 

Polygraph is needed to get the truth.

[road]

So, good, you see that involving other players is not going to solve your problems, actually, make them worse.

 

It took my WW more than 8 months to get to the point of telling me all there is to tell. But I have to acknowledge that this does not mean she was hiding HUGE DESTRUCTIVE SECRETS from my perspective. I knew on DDay that sex as involved, by the end of two weeks revealed that she had slept with him only hours before discovery. The secrets she kept from me were "details" that she refused to give because she invested herself so much in her version of him being a predator (which I basically didn't believe anyhow) and her self imposed humiliation not wanting to admit to me that it was she that invited him into her office several weeks before she claimed it "got physical" for a kiss. 8 months trickle truthing to hide the first kiss, when I already knew about the 6 weeks of full on sex. It's not necessarily about details, its about perspective.

 

Is your WW still trickle truthing or not? Probably. But as others have said, you probably have the BIG PICTURE here. If you think you do not, and it's important to you to have more, then I wouldn't use the word reconciliation so flippantly. I would say you are still in the aftermath of discovery. Reconciliation won't come unless you feel you have pretty much the story you need to have to move on with. Does this mean you have all the details? Far from it.

 

Another point is this phrase "don't leave me". I might not be getting the real meaning intended. This is not supposed to be about HER, it's supposed to be about the two of you: You would be giving up / or taking a break from, the marriage, which is not the same thing as "leaving me". Those of the words of needy people who are LESS concerned with reconciliation (of a marriage) and more focused entirely on not being left alone. Just a thought.

 

For this reason it's not much good if only ONE of you has come to the point to what I said earlier: not afraid to walk away. Being not afraid to walk away is empowering. It is not a weak position. It strengthens the marriage because the marriage is built upon a foundation of strength, not weakness, not FEAR, but HOPE

 

If EITHER of you (worse, both) are still in that space, then the marriage is nothing more than a game. One needs to be with the right person for the right reasons. Feeling trapped whether it be psychological, financial, addiction, lazyness, narcissistic or otherwise, is still a trap, and is not a recipe for anything but more drama.

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

 

You want the truth then get her to take a polygraph for WW's trickle truth.

[aliveagain]

I'm glad you met the man of your dreams. That is AWESOME! To tell you the truth (as you can already see), I am an insecure person. Do I feel like I'll never find anyone else? Somewhat. Do I feel like it'll be a repeat of the pain I've went through in this relationship. Certainly. Additionally, when I think of leaving this one, I remember the things I like about her. I love the way she looks at me. I love how we met. I love the dreams we dream up, and our kitties, haha. I love how much we have in common, and I love the idea of being with her IF she really does put in a HUGE effort to correct her ****ty ways, as well as come clean about everything under MY terms. Anything else, unacceptable. I mean, I partially took the advice of many posters. I feel like standing up for myself and saying I'll pack my **** and leave now if she doesn't get her act together scared her. It was the first time she actually started to beg me to stay, and took 100% responsibility, and said she would have talks and work on her attitude.

 

 

Your in love with the woman you thought she was, this is not her, this woman dates other men while your at work. You write about the past things you love about her. Here's where the problem is, what happens two years from now when you trigger and you start thinking about her in some guys apartment with her panties pulled down to her knees? This is the same woman and if you want to stay with her you have to accept that you will never know all the truth. The only people that know the truth are your wife and the three other men. That makes you the outside third wheel. You will have to condition yourself to accept that fact or you'll never make it through the next 50 or 60 years with her. Your not even over the honeymoon phase and she's already burned through 3 other men. This is what you really need to think about, do you feel safe with her? Will you feel safe with her when she's out without you? Can you trust her working with men?

 

If you can say yes to all these questions than stay with her. You need to work on yourself because serial cheaters usually end up in relationships with guys they can walk all over. Don't be one of those guys.

[sandylee1]

So, what would you do sandylee1? Do I just up and leave, and say f*** the consequences? That's not in a smartass tone or anything. I'm actually asking. I'm scared of the confrontation and aftermath of the whole thing. Is it worth me doing that? I mean, is making that decision, the D decision, the most valuable option I have currently? I know that's what everyone suggested, and I promise I read and re-read every individual's response and took all of them to heart. It just feels a little worrisome. If you truly think this is my best option, and truly believe from experience that she is bul****ting me, I will go for it. If that is the case, from your standpoint, what would be the best way to initiate the conversation, or set everything in motion?

 

Tom

 

I'd approach by saying the following:

 

"I don't know if I can remain married to a woman who disrespects me like this. A woman who when I raise concerns about her ex, then goes and gets touched up and kisses him. I don't know if I want to risk having children and being bound to you for ever , when you found it so easy to betray me over an argument without a care in the world."

 

I don't think you take our marriage vows seriously and I question if you really are mature enough for marriage " I question and doubt your love for me after you did this" "I'm honestly scared about letting myself get hurt by you again, so I'm wondering if it's better to get divorced now"

 

"We'll have rocky patches ahead and am I to resign myself to the fact that you will then go and cheat on me every time?"

 

Now, I like to be real about things. I don't condone cheating, but there are situations where I've honestly thought I'm not suprised that he/she cheated. Situations where the couple haven't had sex for years, where one person wanted it. Or where there is severe emotional abuse and in a case where a wife belittled her H, ignored him and said he was just a help with the kids , otherwise she could do without him. He was starved of love and affection. wife berated him and constantly put him down.

 

Yes he could have left, but he didn't want to pay CS for 6 kids in the process. I repeat that I don't condone it, but can empathise.

 

Where you so bad to your wife? If you honestly think you contributed to her cheating or to the state of the marriage that led her to cheat, then by all means you should seriously try and save the marriage and reconcile.Just having an argument doesn't cut it.

 

 

My point is, she found it so easy to cheat, what will have to be in place, for it NOT to happen again?

 

I'm not saying just up and leave, but I have a hard time believing what she's told you. You seem offended by what I said and that wasn't my intention at all, so my apologies for that.

 

Now if you were my brother and my sister in law did this, I would actually tell him he's best divorced, especially if they had no kids.

 

You have a wife who takes her panties of for 3 different men and is 'too tired' to talk when asked questions! She wants it all forgotten.

How would she feel if you fingered 3 women? Would that be okay with her? Have you asked her?

[Vercetti]

I divorced my wife with just confirmation of emotional affair and gas lighting me. One chat she did not delete cause she passed out. She tried to say I misread it, it was just girl talk, she was drinking. That was my choice, I could stay with someone that disrespects me, that's private behind back words are lies, and writes it off as drunk girl talk.. We seperated that day, I've never seen or spoke to her again. I had much more to lose then you and much more time invested.I'm married now and happier then ever been...would not have new life / wife / city / home / friends / and so on....If I stayed around a fool.

 

Even if your wife did not go all the way with THREE men you know of, she still slandered you with those people to set the stage. She told them her desires, she chatted them up, she set up times and locations to be alone with them. Then after somewhat caught blameshifts and gas lights. Including you, she was / is playing FOUR men at the same time. That doesn't strike me as an amuter to the game, her never being loyal wouldn't shock me...you did not discover everything and she is giving half truths on the few things did. Why you wish to go back for more I don't know, but she knows she can cheat lie then cry a little for her selfish actions to somehow be in part your fault.

[RightThere]

Thanks for your response SycamoreCircle. I understand that some folks don't see things clearly in these situations which is why I appreciate all of the input I get on here. Could you elaborate on your quote directly above this?

 

I believe what he is saying is that you are being blamed for her cheating.

 

She was doing something inappropriate. You had a natural (and proper) reaction to that.

 

She justified cheating on you some more because she felt you reacted inappropriately to the situation. "If" you had said "It's OK that you are having an inappropriate relationship with that other guy" she thinks she wouldn't have cheated some more on you.

 

It's comparable to a rapist saying that the woman was dressed "too sexy" so she deserved to get raped. If she hadn't been wearing such sexy clothes, she probably wouldn't have been raped. Totally disregarding the fact that he raped her.

 

So yeah, basically the worst case scenario is you had a bad reaction to her cheating. Totally disregarding the fact that she is CHEATING.

[RightThere]

I still am wondering, do you think it would be acceptable to secretly meet with one or more of the other guys? Do you think it's worth it? Do you think I would get any useful information?

 

I can tell you from my own experience. I met with 2 of the men my ex was sleeping around with. They both played the self preservation game of either they thought our marriage was dead and over, or they pretended to not know she was married at first.

 

They will give you no closure and will lie flat out to you in order to protect themselves and what they knowingly did.

 

Note: We have decided to reconcile, and I said I would not leave her regardless of what she tells me (as long as she puts in 110% effort in supporting me and not bull****ting me ever again), because I do love my wife. However, I want to be able to verify that what she's telling me is all. That's why I'm interested in speaking with the guys involved.

 

I know where you are at because I've been there. No amount of information you get here is going to change what you feel you need to do right now.

 

The only think I want you to believe is that you need to listen to your gut. It's going to tell you things that may be contrary to what your head and your heart are telling you to do. But I promise you that you gut is never wrong. If it tells you something doesn't look or sound right, do not dismiss it.

 

Good luck to you. Keep posted as you need as it will hopefully be a release from everything you'll be processing.

[tomcook]

Tom

 

I'd approach by saying the following:

 

"I don't know if I can remain married to a woman who disrespects me like this. A woman who when I raise concerns about her ex, then goes and gets touched up and kisses him. I don't know if I want to risk having children and being bound to you for ever , when you found it so easy to betray me over an argument without a care in the world."

 

I don't think you take our marriage vows seriously and I question if you really are mature enough for marriage " I question and doubt your love for me after you did this" "I'm honestly scared about letting myself get hurt by you again, so I'm wondering if it's better to get divorced now"

 

"We'll have rocky patches ahead and am I to resign myself to the fact that you will then go and cheat on me every time?"

 

Now, I like to be real about things. I don't condone cheating, but there are situations where I've honestly thought I'm not suprised that he/she cheated. Situations where the couple haven't had sex for years, where one person wanted it. Or where there is severe emotional abuse and in a case where a wife belittled her H, ignored him and said he was just a help with the kids , otherwise she could do without him. He was starved of love and affection. wife berated him and constantly put him down.

 

Yes he could have left, but he didn't want to pay CS for 6 kids in the process. I repeat that I don't condone it, but can empathise.

 

Where you so bad to your wife? If you honestly think you contributed to her cheating or to the state of the marriage that led her to cheat, then by all means you should seriously try and save the marriage and reconcile.Just having an argument doesn't cut it.

 

 

My point is, she found it so easy to cheat, what will have to be in place, for it NOT to happen again?

 

I'm not saying just up and leave, but I have a hard time believing what she's told you. You seem offended by what I said and that wasn't my intention at all, so my apologies for that.

 

Now if you were my brother and my sister in law did this, I would actually tell him he's best divorced, especially if they had no kids.

 

You have a wife who takes her panties of for 3 different men and is 'too tired' to talk when asked questions! She wants it all forgotten.

How would she feel if you fingered 3 women? Would that be okay with her? Have you asked her?

 

No no, I was not offended at all. Absolutely not. I have actually asked her how she would feel/what she would do, and she would typically say that she doesn't know how to answer that, or doesn't want to. As always, I greatly appreciate your response. It is very thoughtful of you. I apologize if I gave the impression that I was offended by anything you said. Quite to the contrary, I thank you (and everyone regardless of their opinion) for taking your own valuable time to provide such thoughtful responses. I look forward to more of them.

[drifter777]

No no, I was not offended at all. Absolutely not. I have actually asked her how she would feel/what she would do, and she would typically say that she doesn't know how to answer that, or doesn't want to. As always, I greatly appreciate your response. It is very thoughtful of you. I apologize if I gave the impression that I was offended by anything you said. Quite to the contrary, I thank you (and everyone regardless of their opinion) for taking your own valuable time to provide such thoughtful responses. I look forward to more of them.

 

This is like watching a train-wreck in slow motion. You are determined to make it work, at any cost to you, and I'm afraid you are going to continue to get run over by her in the process. This is going to end very, very badly because you refuse to take responsibility for your own recovery. You are not standing up for yourself so she's going to keep running you over. Getting mad and threatening to leave might elicit some crocodile tears but she knows you don't mean it. She knows your just blowing hot air. Nothing changes here unless you start to care about yourself and start doing what's best for you. In other words, you are going to have to change who you are, radically, or you will just get walked on by her until she dumps you for one of her side dishes. I don't know if you can save your marriage but I do know you can save your life if you care about it.

[tomcook]

I can tell you from my own experience. I met with 2 of the men my ex was sleeping around with. They both played the self preservation game of either they thought our marriage was dead and over, or they pretended to not know she was married at first.

 

They will give you no closure and will lie flat out to you in order to protect themselves and what they knowingly did.

 

 

 

I know where you are at because I've been there. No amount of information you get here is going to change what you feel you need to do right now.

 

The only think I want you to believe is that you need to listen to your gut. It's going to tell you things that may be contrary to what your head and your heart are telling you to do. But I promise you that you gut is never wrong. If it tells you something doesn't look or sound right, do not dismiss it.

 

Good luck to you. Keep posted as you need as it will hopefully be a release from everything you'll be processing.

 

I appreciate your response. The gut thing. I seriously need to follow through with that. Your advice is gold and appreciated greatly. I will stick to that. My gut usually doesn't let me down, so I'm sure it won't start now.

[qubist]

Tomcook: can you share with us, if you don't mind of course, what is your plan for R? what are your demands? what is committing to do?

[tomcook]

This is like watching a train-wreck in slow motion. You are determined to make it work, at any cost to you, and I'm afraid you are going to continue to get run over by her in the process. This is going to end very, very badly because you refuse to take responsibility for your own recovery. You are not standing up for yourself so she's going to keep running you over. Getting mad and threatening to leave might elicit some crocodile tears but she knows you don't mean it. She knows your just blowing hot air. Nothing changes here unless you start to care about yourself and start doing what's best for you. In other words, you are going to have to change who you are, radically, or you will just get walked on by her until she dumps you for one of her side dishes. I don't know if you can save your marriage but I do know you can save your life if you care about it.

 

Thanks for your response drifter777. I can see some truth to your response. Based on seeing my written words and stories, you can probably get a general idea of the type of person I am. In your own opinion, what would you suggest I change for the most beneficial outcome? I'm sure my question sounds pathetic and I'll get bashed for it here in a second, haha, but it actually reminds me of some old quote I heard. The quote basically stated that the condition of the sea can be more accurately observed by he who is on the shore than he who is in the sea itself. Of course, in this situation, I am the guy IN the sea and although I love my wife and have good intentions, my judgment of the situation may be off, as opposed to someone who is viewing it all from the outside.

Edited September 2, 2015 by tomcook
Addition

[lolablue17]

I have actually asked her how she would feel/what she would do, and she would typically say that she doesn't know how to answer that, or doesn't want to. As always, I greatly appreciate your response.

 

Her "full remorse" is questionable enough. But even when she is a prisoner of your good will now, you still get a snap hint of her real intention. Don't you see? The picture is right in front of you but you just don't get it.

 

By saying that she can't or doesn't want to answer your question about, how would she feel if you'd cheated with 3 girls, she shows you that she is not full remorse. She's willing to fake all the easy bla bla bla - but when she's needed to give good answers to hard questions, she refuses.

 

She refuses because she doesn't have good enough answers. If she'd answer, you might track down her impersonation. You might feel she's faking, so she avoid it to dodge the danger.

 

This tells me enough to know that her remorse is a fake, only a tool to achieve her task - keeping you from leaving. Once she complete that task... you should expect some changes and not for the good.

[drifter777]

Thanks for your response drifter777. I can see some truth to your response. Based on seeing my written words and stories, you can probably get a general idea of the type of person I am. In your own opinion, what would you suggest I change for the most beneficial outcome? I'm sure my question sounds pathetic and I'll get bashed for it here in a second, haha, but it actually reminds me of some old quote I heard. The quote basically stated that the condition of the sea can be more accurately observed by he who is on the shore than he who is in the sea itself. Of course, in this situation, I am the guy IN the sea and although I love my wife and have good intentions, my judgment of the situation may be off, as opposed to someone who is viewing it all from the outside.

 

You are going to have to take a leap of faith and do some things that you are going to find very uncomfortable. Personal growth is difficult because we - all of us - resist moving outside of our familiar comfort zone. You are getting a lot of good advice on this thread but it's mixed with no-so-good advice and besides, you don't want to take a leap of faith like this based on some Internet forum. So, I recommend individual counseling to work on your codependent behavior. Bending over backwards to keep peace and keep things "normal" is an emotional sickness that can destroy your life. Your post's demonstrate that you should at least discuss these tendencies with a counselor. Until you get into counseling you should read a book or two. I would recommend:

 

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, 2nd Edition [Janis A. Spring]

 

The key is that you have to put your own well-being first. A healthy you has a chance at happiness and peace of mind.

[tomcook]

Tomcook: can you share with us, if you don't mind of course, what is your plan for R? what are your demands? what is committing to do?

 

Well Qubist, I don't know. By no means am I blind to what you all are saying, and if I am, I usually at least partially agree once you point it out. Do I love my wife? I would say yes absolutely. There's a huge part of me that loves all the little things we do together. However, there has been off and on a nagging part of me that thinks things would be better for the both of us if we just weren't together. My demands were that we have talks twice a week, and I promised in return to not react like a psychopath to the best of my ability. I also promised that I wouldn't leave just as a result of her revealing more information, and I would honestly put forth my best effort to repair our marriage, as long as she is willing to do the same. Doing the same means she doesn't try to reschedule our talks, or avoid topics. It also means that she changes her attitude. She's always had a bit of a temper and been a control freak. She's gotten better, but I said that's not good enough for me. I need more than that. Once I feel I've received a sufficient amount of information, and feel comfortable moving on and truly forgiving her, at that point and only at that point will I truly R and renew our vows.

Edited September 2, 2015 by tomcook
Addition

[qubist]

Well Qubist, I don't know. By no means am I blind to what you all are saying, and if I am, I usually at least partially agree once you point it out. Do I love my wife? I would say yes absolutely. There's a huge part of me that loves all the little things we do together. However, there has been off and on a nagging part of me that thinks things would be better for the both of us if we just weren't together. My demands were that we have talks twice a week, and I promised in return to not react like a psychopath to the best of my ability. I also promised that I wouldn't leave just as a result of her revealing more information, and I would honestly put forth my best effort to repair our marriage, as long as she is willing to do the same. Doing the same means she doesn't try to reschedule our talks, or avoid topics. It also means that she changes her attitude. She's always had a bit of a temper and been a control freak. She's gotten better, but I said that's not good enough for me. I need more than that. Once I feel I've received a sufficient amount of information, and feel comfortable moving on and truly forgiving her, at that point and only at that point will I truly R and renew our vows.

since you have already made your decision, I wish you all the luck. R if successful can result a better relationship, but it could also make it worst.

I urge you to read more about R and make her read about it too, one thing you should make sure you do NEVER LIE TO YOURSELF, do not hide any emotions be honest with yourself first if you don't see it working do not force it and ive in a lie. I hope she understands what a WW has to go through to if she really wants to R it won't be easy and she needs to know it

[tomcook]

You are going to have to take a leap of faith and do some things that you are going to find very uncomfortable. Personal growth is difficult because we - all of us - resist moving outside of our familiar comfort zone. You are getting a lot of good advice on this thread but it's mixed with no-so-good advice and besides, you don't want to take a leap of faith like this based on some Internet forum. So, I recommend individual counseling to work on your codependent behavior. Bending over backwards to keep peace and keep things "normal" is an emotional sickness that can destroy your life. Your post's demonstrate that you should at least discuss these tendencies with a counselor. Until you get into counseling you should read a book or two. I would recommend:

 

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, 2nd Edition [Janis A. Spring]

 

The key is that you have to put your own well-being first. A healthy you has a chance at happiness and peace of mind.

 

Thanks a lot for the quick response drifter777. That seems like great advice. We were in couples counseling for a while and had to take a break from it because our schedules became too hectic. I've actually purchased that book, but need to properly sit down and read it. So, thanks for the recommendation on both fronts, and you're absolutely right, those four years of walking on eggshells and bending over backwards were truly an emotional sickness. I may have not been the most responsible guy in the world, but I was loyal and I did try to avoid conflicts, as well as keep her happy. So, yeah, now that she has come to a seemingly solid (stay tuned for future updates) agreement with me, I am ready to move forward with the counseling and reading as you suggested. Although most of those posting great responses seem to disagree with that opinion, I guess all I can say is I hope that she truly feels what she did was completely stupid and disgusting, and is truly on board with refreshing our marriage.