Am I Receiving Partial Truth?

[tomcook]

See Tom? I am a stranger from another country hundreds of miles away and I made you laugh and feel good about yourself and hopeful for the future. This must show you that your wife is nit the only person on earth capable of making you happy. There are so many really good women out there praying to find a good guy like yourself. Believe it, you deserve better.

 

And I am not that old pfff ??

 

Hahaha, true. I think it does show me that. I guess sometimes when you enter into a relationship, you try to pretend that they're the only person that makes you happy, the only person that you're attracted to, etc, and then the real test is not thinking those things, but to show love and loyalty, blah blah blah, hahaha. I believe you more and more as you post these. I'm sure there good women out there. I would just want to be sure that I was the best damn boyfriend/husband material possible before jumping into another relationship, for the woman's sake. Pshhhh, I knew you weren't as old as you were letting on.

[TX-SC]

Unfortunately, it also shows how easy it is to respond favorably to a few kind words. It shows how easy it Is to slip into an EA to get some satisfaction through someone else's sweet talk.

[drifter777]

Her betrayal does not dismiss all the good things that have happened between you two, especially prior to stepping out. Those things were real, and were connected to this image of her that you had, but which you know have to include, her capacity to betray you. One does not eliminate the other.

 

For many BH's her betrayal does dismiss all the good things that happened before she cheated. It's because the BH does not know what was real and what was just a smoke-screen so she could go off and boff some other guy. Was that romantic anniversary dinner last year just her appetizer for her tryst with OM later than night? How many times did you get sloppy-seconds or kiss her a few minutes after she gave OM oral? Everything goes up in the air and the tendency is to not believe anything because she's just proven she's capable of this horrible betrayal.

 

I know it's all different for you and many other BH's but what I've described is very real for many others. Her cheating becomes a landmark in your mind; there's the period when you where ignorant to the kind of person she is and now you are in the period when you know what she is capable of doing to you.

[tomcook]

Unfortunately, it also shows how easy it is to respond favorably to a few kind words. It shows how easy it Is to slip into an EA to get some satisfaction through someone else's sweet talk.

 

Very good observation TX-SC. Although that did cross my mind beforehand and I was trying to be cautious with my words, still makes me feel pretty lousy now.

[tomcook]

For many BH's her betrayal does dismiss all the good things that happened before she cheated. It's because the BH does not know what was real and what was just a smoke-screen so she could go off and boff some other guy. Was that romantic anniversary dinner last year just her appetizer for her tryst with OM later than night? How many times did you get sloppy-seconds or kiss her a few minutes after she gave OM oral? Everything goes up in the air and the tendency is to not believe anything because she's just proven she's capable of this horrible betrayal.

 

I know it's all different for you and many other BH's but what I've described is very real for many others. Her cheating becomes a landmark in your mind; there's the period when you where ignorant to the kind of person she is and now you are in the period when you know what she is capable of doing to you.

 

Yeah, I suppose that does apply to me as well. It certainly made me question everything. For instance, old greeting cards from her to me are triggers, in the sense that make me question any of the sweet words within them.

[SummerDreams]

Unfortunately, it also shows how easy it is to respond favorably to a few kind words. It shows how easy it Is to slip into an EA to get some satisfaction through someone else's sweet talk.

 

I'm sorry but I dont get what the point of this post is. Does it mean that, since the OP replied to a teasing through the internet, his cheating wife is justified? I surely dont know what you want to say with this.

[tomcook]

Tom

 

I'd like to suggest that you invest time in yourself. Don't make her seem like she is your life.

 

- Go out and enjoy with your guy friends

- Get some of the stress out down at the gym

- Go for a run if that's your thing

- Whenever you step out of the house, imagine you could bump into a prospective partner. I'm not saying to chat girls up or anything like that, but always feel good about yourself when you look in the mirror.

 

- Be positive and surround yourself with positive people

 

You need to exude the air of 'I'm quite a catch you know'. Not in

an arrogant or cocky way, just as a nice guy, which I'm sure you are.

 

Your wife needs to know she's ever so lucky you're still there, because many guys would have walked.

 

Yeah, I think I get your point Sandylee. I like the fact this not only helps her understand that she is fortunate, but it also helps me overcome many of the negative moments that come as a result of the infidelity. Thanks for your post. I swear, I almost feel like I'm going to take the best of everyone's posts and compile them into a Powerpoint presentation that I make myself watch everyday.

[tomcook]

So last night, I had a bit of an episode, which is not unusual for me. I tried texting and calling my wife before I went to class. I wanted to let her know to pick me up at 8:45 because our other car is in the shop. Anyway, she didn't answer, and she normally does, so I freaked out. I started using every method I could to verify things that she was claiming later on, and it turned out that they were all true, at least from what I could see. I feel like a crazy person sometimes. It's like, and I don't know if any of you have experienced this, it's like I almost want to find something wrong. I can't understand why I feel this way. Why wouldn't I be relived that nothing wrong happened? In fact, I think I was like this before I discovered the cheating. There would be a sense of relief if it turned out that I had just misunderstood something, but there would also be disappointment. Oh, you wonderful masters of analysis, could you explain your own perspective of this to me in your free time?

Edited September 4, 2015 by tomcook
Grammar

[RightThere]

So last night, I had a bit of an episode, which is not unusual for me. I tried texting and calling my wife before I went to class. I wanted to let her know to pick me up at 8:45 because our other car is in the shop. Anyway, she didn't answer, and she normally does, so I freaked out. I started using every method I could to verify things that she was claiming later on, and it turned out that they were all true, at least from what I could see. I feel like a crazy person sometimes. It's like, and I don't know if any of you have experienced this, it's like I almost want to find something wrong. I can't understand why I feel this way. Why wouldn't I be relived that nothing wrong happened? In fact, I think I was like this before I discovered the cheating. There would be a sense of relief if it turned out that I had just misunderstood something, but there would also be disappointment. Oh, you wonderful masters of analysis, could you explain your own perspective of this to me in your free time?

 

For the first while during reconciliation, I know my mind was jumping every minute to "I bet she's off sleeping with the OM right now!"

 

It was hard to overcome the physical part of the betrayal so every minute I wasn't sure where she was, I thought there was a likelihood she was sleeping with her OM. I'm sure the sex part of the affair was short bursts and the balance was just their time together doing couple crap. But because you have zero trust in what she says and does now, you'll automatically jump to the worst case scenario.

 

It was helpful that sometimes my ex would text me where she was, or send pictures just to prove what was going on. Eventually I got more comfortable with it and just learned to let go. I mean, if she was going to cheat again, she would find a way (and sadly she did, but that's just my situation).

 

You don't feel relief because you think that you just didn't catch her "this time." I definitely see a lot of what you are doing is similar to myself at the early stages of reconciliation. It's not fun and you will feel like a paranoid crazy person. But it will just take time to get more comfortable in your new life. Others have said it and I didn't believe it at the time, but now I know better. The trust will never come back 100%. Ever. And you need to know that will be a part of your reconciled life together.

[tomcook]

For the first while during reconciliation, I know my mind was jumping every minute to "I bet she's off sleeping with the OM right now!"

 

It was hard to overcome the physical part of the betrayal so every minute I wasn't sure where she was, I thought there was a likelihood she was sleeping with her OM. I'm sure the sex part of the affair was short bursts and the balance was just their time together doing couple crap. But because you have zero trust in what she says and does now, you'll automatically jump to the worst case scenario.

 

It was helpful that sometimes my ex would text me where she was, or send pictures just to prove what was going on. Eventually I got more comfortable with it and just learned to let go. I mean, if she was going to cheat again, she would find a way (and sadly she did, but that's just my situation).

 

You don't feel relief because you think that you just didn't catch her "this time." I definitely see a lot of what you are doing is similar to myself at the early stages of reconciliation. It's not fun and you will feel like a paranoid crazy person. But it will just take time to get more comfortable in your new life. Others have said it and I didn't believe it at the time, but now I know better. The trust will never come back 100%. Ever. And you need to know that will be a part of your reconciled life together.

 

As always, thanks for your response RightThere. If you don't mind me asking, did your reconciliation continue after she cheated again? I think the fact that never fully trusting the person again is almost torturing myself. I know I just can't fully understand everyone who has been through this, because I am still in the beginning stages, but some of it makes me apprehensive of R.

[RightThere]

As always, thanks for your response RightThere. If you don't mind me asking, did your reconciliation continue after she cheated again? I think the fact that never fully trusting the person again is almost torturing myself. I know I just can't fully understand everyone who has been through this, because I am still in the beginning stages, but some of it makes me apprehensive of R.

 

The short version is yes, she continued to cheat on my multiple times during what I now call "fake" reconciliation. I actually think there was a point towards the end where she stopped any physical or emotional affairs, but still kept in contact with her OM, so never was fully out of that world.

 

I will say that the pain and mind movies and mistrust do dull over the years, but it needs to be replaced with a whole new life and trust circumstances.

 

I eventually got to the point where I didn't care if she cheated anymore. Nothing I was going to do would make her stop if she wanted to cheat and I didn't want to have the relationship where I was babysitting to make sure she was doing the proper things.

 

I knew the trust would never return, but that was in part to my ex's role in reconciliation. Never remorseful, never fully embracing what I needed to feel comfortable in the relationship.

 

I believe true reconciliation boils down to two main things that both spouses need to contribute:

 

The WS needs to accept full responsibility for what they did and not use any "but" when saying they are sorry for the pain they caused. Once they let go of the shame and let their BS forgive them, they can properly heal and move on.

 

The BS needs to know that the affair is not a trump card they can play to win all future arguments. The marriage failed because both the WS and BS did not do everything they needed to keep it running. The choice to have an affair is all with the WS in terms of bad decisions, but anything the BS did to break down the relationship, then need to own up to as well and be sorry.

 

You can rebuild the trust. But you cannot get back to that la-la-land type trust where you never question anything your spouse tells you. Maybe it's a unicorn in the first place, but that illusion of what you thought you had is dead.

[tomcook]

The short version is yes, she continued to cheat on my multiple times during what I now call "fake" reconciliation. I actually think there was a point towards the end where she stopped any physical or emotional affairs, but still kept in contact with her OM, so never was fully out of that world.

 

I will say that the pain and mind movies and mistrust do dull over the years, but it needs to be replaced with a whole new life and trust circumstances.

 

I eventually got to the point where I didn't care if she cheated anymore. Nothing I was going to do would make her stop if she wanted to cheat and I didn't want to have the relationship where I was babysitting to make sure she was doing the proper things.

 

I knew the trust would never return, but that was in part to my ex's role in reconciliation. Never remorseful, never fully embracing what I needed to feel comfortable in the relationship.

 

I believe true reconciliation boils down to two main things that both spouses need to contribute:

 

The WS needs to accept full responsibility for what they did and not use any "but" when saying they are sorry for the pain they caused. Once they let go of the shame and let their BS forgive them, they can properly heal and move on.

 

The BS needs to know that the affair is not a trump card they can play to win all future arguments. The marriage failed because both the WS and BS did not do everything they needed to keep it running. The choice to have an affair is all with the WS in terms of bad decisions, but anything the BS did to break down the relationship, then need to own up to as well and be sorry.

 

You can rebuild the trust. But you cannot get back to that la-la-land type trust where you never question anything your spouse tells you. Maybe it's a unicorn in the first place, but that illusion of what you thought you had is dead.

 

Man, that's lousy. I'm sorry that you went through all of that. I agree with you on everything else. However, it is somewhat difficult not to play the "You cheated on me card" because she did kindave cheat on me and screw things up, and that's just not something you do to someone who you already pretty much control and bends over backwards for you in so many stupid little ways. I know I should be more forgiving, and I know I contributed to her feelings, but I also know there's a lot of bull**** in there that I have nothing to do with and she just wanted to **** around, regardless of what she or anybody tells me. To be entirely honest to everyone on here, I feel like there is a big part of me that doesn't want the reconciliation. It's a part of me that does in fact want to divorce. It's a portion of the disappointment when I discover that my suspicion of some new betrayal is wrong. There's also a big part of me that doesn't want any of that. It's the part where I like her, and like life with her, and like her silly quirks. She's been apologizing every time she sees me upset with something she said. She's been putting in effort since the ultimatum, and it's sad, because I still feel like the same lunatic. If anything, I feel like I'm not putting in real effort. I've always thought of myself as a nice guy, but God do I hold a grudge it feels like. It's like I'm in a battle with myself. It's a terrible feeling. Another strange observation I've made is that when I log on to see if there are any replies to my posts, I'm always more excited to see the ones that tell me I should make ultimatums, leave, file for divorce, and all of that stuff. Whereas the forgiving, try to reconcile and move past your pain posts I'm less excited to read, although I love and appreciate those just as much. I know what that most likely means. It means that my gut, or my selfish side, or something is leaning towards separation/divorce and has been since I found out about the whole thing. However, it's some other part of me that is fighting that feeling to the death, and it has all gotten me to where I don't know what's right and wrong. I've got a gorgeous wife who loves me, chose to stay with me, is trying to change and support me, loves to spend time with me, is transparent and updates me, constantly apologetic when I bring the incident up, but I still can't appreciate it like I should be. It's like I'm stuck in a phase of selfishness and resentment, and I hate what I and this have become. When I was deciding to reconcile, I told her in a very disappointed tone "why'd you have to do this?" It has just made things so difficult and has transformed my personality into something I don't fully understand anymore.

Edited September 5, 2015 by tomcook
Addition

[sandylee1]

Tom

 

Has your wife joined the online infidelity support group I mentioned yet?

 

Remember that just because you are trying reconciliation doesn't mean you can't change your mind. Sometimes, as much as you try it's too hard to get past. This is especially so if she's not doing the heavy lifting.

[tomcook]

Tom

 

Has your wife joined the online infidelity support group I mentioned yet?

 

Remember that just because you are trying reconciliation doesn't mean you can't change your mind. Sometimes, as much as you try it's too hard to get past. This is especially so if she's not doing the heavy lifting.

 

Thanks a lot Sandy. No, not yet. I did tell her about it though. She hasn't ignored me or anything, we've just been really busy trying to get caught up with school after my uncle's passing and moving to our new apartment.

 

I guess you're right about changing my mind. I guess some days it's easier to take than others, but I know even on those good days, there's still a lingering feeling of not wanting to continue. Before when we would discuss having kids and future plans, I would truly live in my imagination of the scenario, and now it's more like a "yeah, can't wait or whatever", or when I hear her say something about herself applying to another situation. For example, if she was talking about making a promise to a friend and said something like "my promises are golden", the thing that's going through my mind every single time is along the lines of "Oh yeah, is that right? Your gold must not be very gold then." I find that upsetting. I'm sorry, I'm ranting. It's one of those days I guess. In her defense, she has been putting in noticeable effort. She hasn't exploded on me when I discuss events. She apologizes remorsefully. She keeps me updated constantly when she's out. I mean, I'm actually proud of her for what she's doing so far. It's just a son of a bitch to change the way I feel deep down about the whole thing.

 

For instance, I was sitting with her last night, and something reminded me of the last guy she screwed around with twice, and I remembered how much I disliked and distrusted him to begin with (I think distrusted is a word haha). Anyway, I remembered a message from him that she had shown me last year, and he said something like "Oh you shouldn't be talking to me this late or you know who will get mad?" referring to me. So I asked her last night, "Do you remember that ****?", and she was like "Don't remind me." After that, I swear I felt an anger at my core, as bad as that of the day I found out, like I just want to go smash this guy's face in (and I would if there were no legal backlashes).

[fellini]

Yes I have been here.

 

My best explanation is that having been deceived during the affair, I wanted my feelings of panic and fear that she was unreachable to be based in something actually concrete, as horrible as it might be.

 

I wanted to think my panic was true. So that I could feel I was back in control of knowing again.

 

Like the patient who says to the doctor, give it to me straight.

 

So last night, I had a bit of an episode, which is not unusual for me. I tried texting and calling my wife before I went to class. I wanted to let her know to pick me up at 8:45 because our other car is in the shop. Anyway, she didn't answer, and she normally does, so I freaked out. I started using every method I could to verify things that she was claiming later on, and it turned out that they were all true, at least from what I could see. I feel like a crazy person sometimes. It's like, and I don't know if any of you have experienced this, it's like I almost want to find something wrong. I can't understand why I feel this way. Why wouldn't I be relived that nothing wrong happened? In fact, I think I was like this before I discovered the cheating. There would be a sense of relief if it turned out that I had just misunderstood something, but there would also be disappointment. Oh, you wonderful masters of analysis, could you explain your own perspective of this to me in your free time?

[fellini]

During the early months - and by early I mean within the first year - of recovery from infidelity I wavered every day, sometimes every hour of some days between staying and going, staying and going. It's part of the process.

 

This is why I say you give yourself a block of time, and you live through the bad days and the good days. Because if you sign a deal to yourself that if you leave when it's a bad day, you will have left already. Unless she shows activity NOT FRIENDLY to your marriage, then your emotional rollercoaster ought not to be the guiding light through reconciliation. You need clear goals, and those goals need to be monitored, not your mood swings and triggers.

 

Thanks a lot Sandy. No, not yet. I did tell her about it though. She hasn't ignored me or anything, we've just been really busy trying to get caught up with school after my uncle's passing and moving to our new apartment.

 

I guess you're right about changing my mind. I guess some days it's easier to take than others, but I know even on those good days, there's still a lingering feeling of not wanting to continue. Before when we would discuss having kids and future plans, I would truly live in my imagination of the scenario, and now it's more like a "yeah, can't wait or whatever", or when I hear her say something about herself applying to another situation. For example, if she was talking about making a promise to a friend and said something like "my promises are golden", the thing that's going through my mind every single time is along the lines of "Oh yeah, is that right? Your gold must not be very gold then." I find that upsetting. I'm sorry, I'm ranting. It's one of those days I guess. In her defense, she has been putting in noticeable effort. She hasn't exploded on me when I discuss events. She apologizes remorsefully. She keeps me updated constantly when she's out. I mean, I'm actually proud of her for what she's doing so far. It's just a son of a bitch to change the way I feel deep down about the whole thing.

 

For instance, I was sitting with her last night, and something reminded me of the last guy she screwed around with twice, and I remembered how much I disliked and distrusted him to begin with (I think distrusted is a word haha). Anyway, I remembered a message from him that she had shown me last year, and he said something like "Oh you shouldn't be talking to me this late or you know who will get mad?" referring to me. So I asked her last night, "Do you remember that ****?", and she was like "Don't remind me." After that, I swear I felt an anger at my core, as bad as that of the day I found out, like I just want to go smash this guy's face in (and I would if there were no legal backlashes).

[fellini]

You might ask yourself a question:

 

What is the difference if you say "she cheated on me" vs. "she cheated on her marriage to get what she wanted FOR HERSELF".

 

As hard as it is to accept, many times an affair is NOT about the marriage and even less about the spouse. The marriage COMES between the affair, the Affair (from the WS's perspective) does not come BETWEEN the marriage.

 

Did she do what she did selfishly and entirely for herself and in order to do that, cheated on the marriage?

 

If you can begin to explore her infidelity along these lines, although I do not suggest you hand that interpretation to her on a silver platter, you can perhaps begin to distinuguish between a reckless person who knew full well they were doing this to hurt their marriage, and someone who refused to think about that. Someone who blocked out all introspection in order for a fleeting temporary escape from herself.

 

Man, that's lousy. I'm sorry that you went through all of that. I agree with you on everything else. However, it is somewhat difficult not to play the "You cheated on me card" because she did kindave cheat on me and screw things up, and that's just not something you do to someone who you already pretty much control and bends over backwards for you in so many stupid little ways. I know I should be more forgiving, and I know I contributed to her feelings, but I also know there's a lot of bull**** in there that I have nothing to do with and she just wanted to **** around, regardless of what she or anybody tells me. To be entirely honest to everyone on here, I feel like there is a big part of me that doesn't want the reconciliation. It's a part of me that does in fact want to divorce. It's a portion of the disappointment when I discover that my suspicion of some new betrayal is wrong. There's also a big part of me that doesn't want any of that. It's the part where I like her, and like life with her, and like her silly quirks. She's been apologizing every time she sees me upset with something she said. She's been putting in effort since the ultimatum, and it's sad, because I still feel like the same lunatic. If anything, I feel like I'm not putting in real effort. I've always thought of myself as a nice guy, but God do I hold a grudge it feels like. It's like I'm in a battle with myself. It's a terrible feeling. Another strange observation I've made is that when I log on to see if there are any replies to my posts, I'm always more excited to see the ones that tell me I should make ultimatums, leave, file for divorce, and all of that stuff. Whereas the forgiving, try to reconcile and move past your pain posts I'm less excited to read, although I love and appreciate those just as much. I know what that most likely means. It means that my gut, or my selfish side, or something is leaning towards separation/divorce and has been since I found out about the whole thing. However, it's some other part of me that is fighting that feeling to the death, and it has all gotten me to where I don't know what's right and wrong. I've got a gorgeous wife who loves me, chose to stay with me, is trying to change and support me, loves to spend time with me, is transparent and updates me, constantly apologetic when I bring the incident up, but I still can't appreciate it like I should be. It's like I'm stuck in a phase of selfishness and resentment, and I hate what I and this have become. When I was deciding to reconcile, I told her in a very disappointed tone "why'd you have to do this?" It has just made things so difficult and has transformed my personality into something I don't fully understand anymore.

Edited September 5, 2015 by fellini

[tomcook]

You might ask yourself a question:

 

What is the difference if you say "she cheated on me" vs. "she cheated on her marriage to get what she wanted FOR HERSELF".

 

As hard as it is to accept, many times an affair is NOT about the marriage and even less about the spouse. The marriage COMES between the affair, the Affair (from the WS's perspective) does not come BETWEEN the marriage.

 

Did she do what she did selfishly and entirely for herself and in order to do that, cheated on the marriage?

 

If you can begin to explore her infidelity along these lines, although I do not suggest you hand that interpretation to her on a silver platter, you can perhaps begin to distinuguish between a reckless person who knew full well they were doing this to hurt their marriage, and someone who refused to think about that. Someone who blocked out all introspection in order for a fleeting temporary escape from herself.

 

Very interesting perspectives and pieces of advice on all three of your post. In fact, on this last post, I had just been thinking about something along these lines last night. You know when I first found out, there was a lot of blaming me that things weren't good with us (of course she is improved on the blaming part now). So, I was thinking to myself last night that the more she would try to blame me for her actions, the more I would not relate to her, the more I would rent her and want to leave. Whereas, if she would take responsibility and say that it indeed had nothing really to do with our marriage or me, and that it was some other personal dilemma or desire. Will that piss me off as well? Sure for a while, but that's something that I could work with. I will try to maintain focus on the R in these months of good days and bad days. I will continue to post because I enjoy hearing everyone's perspective on LS. It's very enlightening. I will look at where we are a year post D-day (I guess you call it) and see if it's moving in the right direction.

[Mz. Pixie]

I had a longer post written and I timed out.

 

I've been here a long time. Since 2005. And I was a WW at one point. I'm pretty to the point so I will be blunt.

 

She's lying.

Sex with them would have been disgusting but yet what she did wasn't?

Women do not love men they cannot respect. She's not respecting you. You're not making her do so. For you to post "yeah any sign of BS and I'm out?" Sorry she doesn't believe that. You've already proven to her that she can get away with this crap.

 

To be out of contact with you? Unacceptable. Unless you knew beforehand she had a work meeting. It's her job to show she can be trusted. That's not how you do it.

 

Last point? Her tears? All for her. All. Not for what she's done to you.

 

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

[tomcook]

I had a longer post written and I timed out.

 

I've been here a long time. Since 2005. And I was a WW at one point. I'm pretty to the point so I will be blunt.

 

She's lying.

Sex with them would have been disgusting but yet what she did wasn't?

Women do not love men they cannot respect. She's not respecting you. You're not making her do so. For you to post "yeah any sign of BS and I'm out?" Sorry she doesn't believe that. You've already proven to her that she can get away with this crap.

 

To be out of contact with you? Unacceptable. Unless you knew beforehand she had a work meeting. It's her job to show she can be trusted. That's not how you do it.

 

Last point? Her tears? All for her. All. Not for what she's done to you.

 

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

 

Mz. Pixie, I appreciate your bluntness, and I appreciate hearing this opinion from a veteran of LS and a previous WW. I see. How do you know though, since every individual and situation is unique? I'm not trying to deny it. If it is highly likely, I want to know obviously, but I am worried that if I listen to your opinion or the ones like it, how sure of my conviction can I really be? About the contact thing, she has been doing a decent job. It's just there are occasions like that every now and then. Also, regarding the tears, when you say "All for her" do you mean she's crying because of how devastating it is to herself that she got caught? Do you mean she's flat-out lying and there is no remorse there? On ereason I ask all of this Mz. Pixie is because I've seen you promote repairing relationships in some other posts, so it made me wonder what you saw different in my situation. You obviously have wisdom and firsthand experience, so I would love to hear more of your take on all of this.

Edited September 6, 2015 by tomcook
Addition

[SummerDreams]

I must have missed the part where OP said his wife was honest about her one night stands with 3 different guys and him saying he forgives her and want to reconcile. Last time I was in this thread it seemed the OP did not know what his wife exactly did with these 3 guys and he was starting to think that he can be happy with a woman as amazing as his wife + a faithful one. I must have missed it. :s

[fellini]

I must have missed the part where OP said his wife was honest about her one night stands with 3 different guys and him saying he forgives her and want to reconcile. Last time I was in this thread it seemed the OP did not know what his wife exactly did with these 3 guys and he was starting to think that he can be happy with a woman as amazing as his wife + a faithful one. I must have missed it. :s

 

His penultimate post?

 

" I will try to maintain focus on the R in these months of good days and bad days. I will continue to post because I enjoy hearing everyone's perspective on LS. It's very enlightening. I will look at where we are a year post D-day (I guess you call it) and see if it's moving in the right direction."

[tomcook]

I must have missed the part where OP said his wife was honest about her one night stands with 3 different guys and him saying he forgives her and want to reconcile. Last time I was in this thread it seemed the OP did not know what his wife exactly did with these 3 guys and he was starting to think that he can be happy with a woman as amazing as his wife + a faithful one. I must have missed it. :s

 

Hey SummerDreams. That is what you saw last time of course, but I've heard everyone's opinion, and you all make good points. Do I think I deserve an amazing woman who is faithful? Absolutely. I agreed with you on that part. Do I still think I'm not hearing everything? Yes I still feel there is more to the story. However, we have yet to go on one of our talks, so I haven't seen how cooperative she'll be yet. In fact, on my bad days, I lean towards divorce regardless of how good a job my wife is doing, and she's been doing a pretty decent job. In essence, I'm still a complete rollercoaster However, Fellini made an interesting point that I will quote here:

During the early months - and by early I mean within the first year - of recovery from infidelity I wavered every day, sometimes every hour of some days between staying and going, staying and going. It's part of the process.

 

This is why I say you give yourself a block of time, and you live through the bad days and the good days. Because if you sign a deal to yourself that if you leave when it's a bad day, you will have left already. Unless she shows activity NOT FRIENDLY to your marriage, then your emotional rollercoaster ought not to be the guiding light through reconciliation. You need clear goals, and those goals need to be monitored, not your mood swings and triggers.

 

So, with that being said, although I am still on the edge of leaving, I am still being cautious and aware that maybe I will regret that decision if it was made on a particularly bad day, and that maybe she truly is changing because she wants me. Your input, as well as everyone else's is always welcome though. My mind keeps flipflopping, although I have made a verbal agreement to attempt R.

[SummerDreams]

Tom thanks for the clarification. I get you want to be super cautious and you are right. But in my eyes and if woman was my husband I would not accept her "wanting to change and want me". All this should be a given since she made the choice to marry you and make vows with you. She made the choices to cheat on you with 3 guys on 4 occasions - it is obvious to me her commitment and vows to you mean nothing. But anyway it is your choice and good luck. What makes me kind of upset though is that good men accept women who cheat on them and treat them without respect and good women are single. :/

[ShatteredLady]

Tom, it's all so unbelievably hard. The was one night that me & my H had a really good talk. I actually exploded (very out of character for me) & he was truly afraid. The next day was a good day with our kids. I forgot for a moment that everything had turned to s**t. I felt like my life was 'real' again. I think that was when I KNEW for certain that I wasn't leaving. I just knew that I couldn't. This is my family & no matter what I was feeling or thinking when it was bad I knew, deep down, that I was going to give it my best. It FELT DIFFERENT. It's so hard to explain & it wasn't anything in particular but from the moment I was sure I was committed to R its been a little easier each day.

 

I think all you can do is keep thinking & talking. One day you will know but until you reach that point know what you're going through is normal....well, it's what I was feeling so there are at least 2 of us that feel these feelings & think these thoughts!