Getting back together with my Ex?

[hoully81]

Facts: We were married/together for like 17 years and have 2 kids together. We had some problems in our marriage and eventually she cheated on me and I found out and filed for Divorce as she was not willing to end the affair she was in. Divorce was final in March.

 

I do want my ex back and want my family unit back together but I know we have a lot of hate/mistrust for each other that would need to be over come to have a successful relationship again. Which I do believe is very possible. We have had many moments together where I know we still both have a lot of feelings for each other where I have stayed at her place......She is still in a relationship with the guy she cheated with me on and I am in a relationship with a girl I have met since we split up. The ex keeps telling me if I really want her back I would not be going on vacation etc with my new girlfriend. I have told my ex I was willing to try again with her but she needed to end it 100% with the guy she is with and I would do the same. Should I end my relationship with this new girl if I do want my ex back even though she is in a relationship or should I continue to move on like I am never going to be in a relationship with her again?

[Justme1977]

She cheated on you and filed for divorce? If thats true you should try to have as little to do with her as possible.

[lolablue17]

Yes, you should end you R with your new girlfriend.

 

that, of course if you want to be a complete doormat and be miserable for a long long time. If on the other hand you wish to be happy, you should minimize contact with your Ex to domestic or bureaucratic issues only.

[kendahke]

Facts: We were married/together for like 17 years and have 2 kids together. We had some problems in our marriage and eventually she cheated on me and I found out and filed for Divorce as she was not willing to end the affair she was in. Divorce was final in March.

 

I do want my ex back and want my family unit back together but I know we have a lot of hate/mistrust for each other that would need to be over come to have a successful relationship again. Which I do believe is very possible. We have had many moments together where I know we still both have a lot of feelings for each other where I have stayed at her place......She is still in a relationship with the guy she cheated with me on and I am in a relationship with a girl I have met since we split up. The ex keeps telling me if I really want her back I would not be going on vacation etc with my new girlfriend. I have told my ex I was willing to try again with her but she needed to end it 100% with the guy she is with and I would do the same. Should I end my relationship with this new girl if I do want my ex back even though she is in a relationship or should I continue to move on like I am never going to be in a relationship with her again?

 

 

Dang, she's a manipulative cow.

 

No, sugar, if she didn't want you going on vacations with new girlfriends then she shouldn't have cheated on you and put her side slice ahead of her husband and children. She doesn't get to isht on you and then tell you how to best clean yourself up to please her. This ball ain't in her court.

 

Yes, you should end it with your new girlfriend, period, because you're not in the mind space to move on with your life with anyone new. You're using her to get back at your ex and regain a sense of lost personal power--you can say "see, I can get someone, too...", but as you're doing this, you are hurting an innocent woman who doesn't deserve this level of contempt you're dishing to her. And yes, it is contempt if you're leading her to believe one thing while you're chasing in behind your wreck of an ex because you want her messy behind back.

[Tobin]

I know we have a lot of hate/mistrust for each other that would need to be over come to have a successful relationship again.

 

Why does she hate and mistrust you?

 

What did you do exactly to deserve it?

[aloneinaz]

Facts: We were married/together for like 17 years and have 2 kids together. We had some problems in our marriage and eventually she cheated on me and I found out and filed for Divorce as she was not willing to end the affair she was in. Divorce was final in March.

 

I do want my ex back and want my family unit back together but I know we have a lot of hate/mistrust for each other that would need to be over come to have a successful relationship again. Which I do believe is very possible. We have had many moments together where I know we still both have a lot of feelings for each other where I have stayed at her place......She is still in a relationship with the guy she cheated with me on and I am in a relationship with a girl I have met since we split up. The ex keeps telling me if I really want her back I would not be going on vacation etc with my new girlfriend. I have told my ex I was willing to try again with her but she needed to end it 100% with the guy she is with and I would do the same. Should I end my relationship with this new girl if I do want my ex back even though she is in a relationship or should I continue to move on like I am never going to be in a relationship with her again?

 

I have to ask, how on earth do you think that relationship would ever get back on track? She cheated on you and stayed with him. You divorced her. She's STILL with this guy and you're letting HER dictate to you what conditions she'd consider trying again with you? Huh? WTH am I missing here my friend?

 

 

We all know relationships are HARD WORK, even when starting with someone new. To recycle a R/S that's endured all that and expect it to go successfully is simply madness. If you want to continue forward with all this drama, emotional turmoil and dysfunction, you're a bigger man than I.

[Stage5Clinger]

You should NOT end your working relationship for an ex who is taken by another man for no promise or even attempt by her at reconciliation.

[Qboro90]

Step out of your own body and mind then come onto this website and read your post/question as all of us are..... Then go back into your own body and smack yourself across the head for even considering it. Wife cheats on you and now she's making demands and stipulations for getting back together. HA!

 

Wonder if each of your current partners knows that they're just place holders until dysfunction finds its way back together by the way.

[hoully81]

Why does she hate and mistrust you?

 

What did you do exactly to deserve it?

 

I was never the most romantic husband during our relationship. She said she really wanted that from me and she says she felt like I didn't love her apparently I failed bad enough for her to leave me. We spent a lot of time on our kids as they are both in competitive sports and I believe that put a strain on our relationship as every night is practices/games and on a lot of weekends we are out of town for tournaments etc. I think she just lost interest in me? After I found out she cheated I begged pleaded for her to give me another chance and she wouldn't so I finally got the nerve to go on some dates and found a girl that makes me pretty happy and she WANTS to be in a relationship with me which makes it nice.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

I was never the most romantic husband during our relationship. She said she really wanted that from me and she says she felt like I didn't love her apparently I failed bad enough for her to leave me. We spent a lot of time on our kids as they are both in competitive sports and I believe that put a strain on our relationship as every night is practices/games and on a lot of weekends we are out of town for tournaments etc. I think she just lost interest in me? After I found out she cheated I begged pleaded for her to give me another chance and she wouldn't so I finally got the nerve to go on some dates and found a girl that makes me pretty happy and she WANTS to be in a relationship with me which makes it nice.

 

Do you hear yourself using HER pathetic excuses to justify her cheating on the man she took vows with?? Do you know how many women would LOVE to have a man that takes such an active role in his children's lives?? If she lost interest, then she should of made an effort to make things better. Not run out and sleep with another man. And YOU begged HER for another chance?? She doesn't want you back. She merely wants to keep you around as an option or back up plan. She has essentially said, "I'm going to lay down with this man I broke our marriage up over every night. YOU jump through hoops and try to convince me to be with you." Why would you want that back?? You really think that even if she DID decide to get back in your life, that she wouldn't continue to step outside the relationship anytime she felt you weren't living up to her standards??

 

For pete's sake, OPEN YOUR EYES. Get some dignity, self respect, honor your divorce (since she didn't honor the marriage), and move on and be happy.

[hoully81]

I hear what you are saying I really do. I know I made errors during the marriage and wasn't the best husband. I have apologized for my mistakes and told her and myself that I will be different going forward.

 

Its very hard as I wanted to be with her forever. She has shown me since the divorce she is not 100% sure she made the right decision to leave me. Yes she is in a relationship with another man but has told me if I would have just tried to get her back(not seeing other people and just doing what I can to get her back) she would have probably most likely have dumped him and came back to me. She has invited me to do things with her in the past but I have declined sometimes as I had other plans with another girl. I felt like she dumped me and I shouldn't even think about canceling my plans to see her when she is in a relationship with the man she cheated on me with. Sometimes I wonder if she is just trying to control me and don't want to see me happy with another girl or she is genuinely telling me what I need to do to get her back? She keeps preaching to me saying "how can you say you love me and you want me back when you are seeing another girl" I just tell her you threw me to the curb and moved on with your life without me so I am trying to move on with my life as I look at is as your loss if you don't want me.

[kendahke]

I was never the most romantic husband during our relationship. She said she really wanted that from me and she says she felt like I didn't love her apparently I failed bad enough for her to leave me. We spent a lot of time on our kids as they are both in competitive sports and I believe that put a strain on our relationship as every night is practices/games and on a lot of weekends we are out of town for tournaments etc. I think she just lost interest in me? After I found out she cheated I begged pleaded for her to give me another chance and she wouldn't so I finally got the nerve to go on some dates and found a girl that makes me pretty happy and she WANTS to be in a relationship with me which makes it nice.

 

So why are you trying to get your ex back if you're so happy with the new woman? Does she know that she's not the one you really want to be with? Are you being truthful with her about where she stands with you, or are you leading her on to believe one thing while a whole different thing is falling out in experience--AKA lying by omission?

[hoully81]

I wouldn't say I am trying to get back with my ex. I want to be back with my ex yes because I know if she wanted to be with me we could be happy together.I know where I failed in my marriage and I have taken steps to correct those problems. But i know if she doesn't 100% want it that it will not work and I need to move on with my life. My ex is obviously wishy washy on what she wants. If my top priority was to be with my ex I wouldn't be seeing this girl. My number one priority is my kids and then my happiness.

 

The new girl knows I just got out of a long relationship and that I had a lot of feelings for my ex. Of course this is not the situation I wanted to be in as I didn't plan for my marriage to end and its not my first pick or will ever be but that's the hand I am dealt and have to make the best of it. I have taken it slow with this new girl and have been very open with her about it. I haven't even introduced my kids to her and I have my kids probably 60% of the time.

 

What do I tell my ex when she starts making me feel bad for seeing this girl and giving me a guilt trip saying "if you loved me so much and all you wanted was me why are you with this girl?"

[kendahke]

I hear what you are saying I really do. I know I made errors during the marriage and wasn't the best husband. I have apologized for my mistakes and told her and myself that I will be different going forward.

 

did she apologize for effing around on you?

 

Its very hard as I wanted to be with her forever. She has shown me since the divorce she is not 100% sure she made the right decision to leave me. Yes she is in a relationship with another man but has told me if I would have just tried to get her back(not seeing other people and just doing what I can to get her back) she would have probably most likely have dumped him and came back to me.

 

That is manipulation.

 

She's lying. No, she would not have come back to you. Here's the thing: she is not in the place to be dictating anything. The onus was on her to not leave her marriage, not for you to try to get her back. If she wants to be gone, let her be gone. Let her lie down every night with her mistake because she put you and your children through a lot in order that she could lay up in his bed every night. She got what she wanted; now it's no longer any fun because she's got what she wanted.

 

.She has invited me to do things with her in the past but I have declined sometimes as I had other plans with another girl.

 

Seriously, unless it's about the children, stop dealing with her. She wanted to be away from you, so let her be gone.

 

I felt like she dumped me and I shouldn't even think about canceling my plans to see her when she is in a relationship with the man she cheated on me with.

 

Sweetie--the reason why it felt like she dumped you is because SHE DID. There should be no plans to see her outside of dropping off and picking up children.

 

Sometimes I wonder if she is just trying to control me and don't want to see me happy with another girl or she is genuinely telling me what I need to do to get her back?

 

No, she does not want to see that it was probably her who cannot make a man happy.

 

Here's the thing: if she was truly serious about wanting to be back with you, first off, she would be bawling and remorseful over shattering your marriage vows.... No, let's back that up--she'd never have entertained the idea of screwing another man while married to you. She decided that her need for an orgasm trumped your whole life and family. She was selfish enough to put it into motion to get what she wanted. Now she has it and she's got buyer's remorse. Too effin' bad. So, no, this isn't about wanting you back---she's messing with your head. Want to know how I know? She's still laying up under that man she screwed while married to you with no intentions on leaving his bed.

 

That man has to go. All of her methods of communication must be open to you--no hiding of anything. She has to go into intensive therapy on her own for at least 3 years to be taken seriously. That doesn't mean you agree to wait on her. You are divorced, so she is no longer your priority. You are free to see and build a life with someone new and you don't need her permission to do so.

 

She keeps preaching to me saying "how can you say you love me and you want me back when you are seeing another girl" I just tell her you threw me to the curb and moved on with your life without me so I am trying to move on with my life as I look at is as your loss if you don't want me.

 

I would tell her "I love you as the mother to my children and I have fond memories of what we used to have, but I don't love you enough to waste anymore of my time with you in a marriage. I already know what you're capable of". Seriously.

 

Keep moving forward and stop giving this mess anymore of your energy. You can't have back what you had, so just move forward and build something new with someone who proves to you that who you are is more than enough for them... because at the end of the day, you have to be who you are. If who you are, by habit and nature, isn't a demonstratively romantic man, then you will soon show yourself to be who you are and not the charade you're playing just to keep a loose woman from wandering.

Edited August 27, 2015 by kendahke

[hoully81]

Thanks for the brutal honesty. I just feel like a piece of $hit for the wrong doings and lack of being a romantic in the marriage to make it come to this point. She has apologized to the point where she said she should have gotten out of the relationship before she started cheating but is saying I am the reason she got drove to that point.?.?

 

I have distanced myself a lot from her since the divorce was finalized but I still have been doing a lot of talking to her via text and on the phone (daily). i guess I need to end that and completely move on with my life without her in the back of my head and quit feeling guilty of what happened.

[kendahke]

Thanks for the brutal honesty. I just feel like a piece of $hit for the wrong doings and lack of being a romantic in the marriage to make it come to this point. She has apologized to the point where she said she should have gotten out of the relationship before she started cheating but is saying I am the reason she got drove to that point.?.?

 

The cheater's lie--the one they all reach for: that it's your fault for making them... NO!!! Cheating is based on selfishness, PERIOD. She's basically saying that she can't control herself and can't open up a can of "act right" when put to the test.

 

Who you are isn't the point here: it's her manipulation to deflect her taking responsibility for shattering your marriage vows.

 

I have distanced myself a lot from her since the divorce was finalized but I still have been doing a lot of talking to her via text and on the phone (daily). i guess I need to end that and completely move on with my life without her in the back of my head and quit feeling guilty of what happened.

 

Yes. End that today. Stop feeling guilty. That's not going to spin the earth backwards for a re-do. That psychological moment has passed.

 

As I said earlier, unless it's to do with the dropping off or picking up of kids, stop talking with her. Tell her to go enjoy her life with her new man and you'll go enjoy your life with your new girlfriend--and then do it.

[kendahke]

What do I tell my ex when she starts making me feel bad for seeing this girl and giving me a guilt trip saying "if you loved me so much and all you wanted was me why are you with this girl?"

 

tell her "because I'm divorced and am free to see who I wish without seeking approval from anyone else. I'm not about to sit around wasting my youth on someone who clearly doesn't want to be with me. I may be unromantic, but I'm not stupid."

Edited August 27, 2015 by kendahke