My reconciliation story + when & how to apply NC for success

[blackcat777]

SOOOOO... I had intended to make this post at 6 months post reconciliation, and was instead swept away with life. But I wanted to post this to serve as a followup for everyone who read my breakup story, to share what I learned with everyone experiencing similar pain, and to add to the anecdotal knowledge base that exists here, that I had spent months scouring for insight.

 

I had the most incredible and unexpected relationship with a ~9 years younger man, for 8 months, before he moved an hour away to go to college. (When we started dating and I caught THE FEELS, I asked him if things were great, if he'd be open to long distance; he said yes.) Every night we were together--five or six nights a week--I slept with my head on his chest, since the first night we fell asleep together. We never fought. I never laughed so hard. I never had better sex. We went dancing, camping, hiking, did yoga. He was so sweet.

 

Four days after he moved away to school, he dumped me. Over the phone, no explanation, nothing.

 

My heart broke and I never felt pain like that in my life. The first two months were hell. I barely slept, and when I did, I had nightmares. My whole digestive tract was disturbed and I could barely eat. I ate nothing but scrambled eggs. I dropped 20 pounds in the first week. I cried face-down in bed for seven hours at a time. I would take hour-long walks, crying through the first 30-45 minutes of my walk until enough endorphins kicked in to stop the crying for a little bit. I wanted to run away to Mexico, joint a convent, something, anything.

 

I think part of why it hit me so hard was because we were so intensely physical. Lots of hot, awesome sex, but tons of cuddling, too. Sleeping entwined together. Major flow of oxytocin.

What I did right in this situation: I immediately went NC after hanging up the phone on that fateful day. Fortunately, I had read Getting to I Do by Patricia Allen, where she extols the benefits of no contact if a man wavers on commitment, and this stuck in the back of my mind.

 

Honestly, for the first few weeks, I hurt so badly, there was nothing I could say, no contact I would have wanted to make. But then, I wanted him back. Fortunately, by the time I had started to entertain the idea of getting him back, I was already on the internet and having the merits of NC beaten into my head. (I think I read LifeGoesOnMan's thread every single day.)

 

I read everything I could on breakup psychology. I strongly recommend Bonnie Weil's Make Up, Don't Break Up. Much of the literature out there (including Weil's) says that it takes 6-8 weeks for a dumper to begin processing the breakup; it takes 6-8 weeks for the body's oxytocin levels to normalize after a breakup.

 

I got my appetite back at six weeks, and finally started sleeping at the eight week mark. I had literally cried myself out. I was finally exhausted enough to sleep. There is some magic in the 6-8 week mark: it's when I started feeling better.

 

Of course, I nursed the hope my man would come around at the 6-8 week mark--but he didn't. Not a peep. When I finally regained some of my strength from sleeping and eating, I took letting go seriously. If all I had to do to get over him was let go--or, according to every cryptic NC bible on the net, if all I had to do to get him back was to let go, truly--it was time to let go. Win-win.

 

So many things I had avoided because the memories hurt me, places we used to walk, the tea we used to drink. To get my power back, I started doing all the things I was avoiding, and I did them for me--after all, I had done them for myself before I met my boyfriend. This was critical to my recovery, and I mention this because your recovery is critical to a true reconciliation. You can't have a relationship with a broken heart, just like you can't walk with a broken leg, and this is true of a new relationship with your ex.

 

Another hugely empowering thing I did was block him everywhere. I had the good sense to block him on Facebook a week or two after the breakup (one girl posted a single heart on his wall and I had a meltdown; it turns out, later on, nothing had ever transpired between them, my boyfriend found her creepy and annoying, but my breakup mind automatically assumed the worst and felt 10,000 daggers).

 

I was hurt and angry he never called, not even to throw me a stupid breadcrumb--so I blocked his number. This was important because I NEVER HAD TO WORRY ABOUT HIM NOT REACHING OUT AGAIN. The sound of silence was too painful--so I shut it off.

 

I also kept an iron will and never answered any unknown phone numbers. My boyfriend swears he never called from a different number; however, after I blocked his phone, a strange number called the house with increasing frequency until we got back together, and then the calls stopped.

 

I tried everything in my power to bounce emails from my Gmail back to him with a rejected message, and failed (long story short). I ultimately decided god wanted my email account open to him.

 

After the initial two-month cryfest, I focused heavily on making myself as happy and as awesome as possible. I hated that I never went to college, and I hated the idea of bartending forever, so I enrolled in school. I always ogled my one girlfriend who did pole fitness class and spammed Facebook with pictures of her KILLER BODY hanging from trees and flagpoles that she could climb (and I couldn't even do one pullup!), so I joined a pole fitness class.

Physical activity was critical to my recovery because I could channel all the energy I spent cuddling and having sex into something positive for myself, into something that still positively engaged my body. And endorphins! Whew! Class left me so tired I could actually fall asleep at night. (Working out like that still makes me sleep like a baby.)

 

I made jewelry, I hung out with my girlfriends, I spent major time playing the piano. I did me, me, me, and more me. I did retail therapy. I could afford to do retail therapy because I wasn't going on any dates!

 

I DID set up an OLD profile immediately post-breakup. The validation was nice when my self-esteem was so crushed, but I was not in a place to date. I went on a few one-off dinner dates with decent guys, and would come home and bawl my eyes out in the shower because I wanted my boyfriend back. Not good.

 

I remember decorating the Christmas tree with my dad. I had fleeting thoughts of paying some redneck to leave a dead deer on my boyfriend's car.

 

Four days later, my inbox flooded with emails. "I was wrong, I'm sorry, I want to mend things. Let's do XYZ that we always used to do together. Let's have some tea."

 

My heart thumped. I did not reply. He was a doofus and dumped me over the phone. For everything that I put into our relationship, I deserved so much more than an email. Plus, he didn't flat out say, "I want you back." That's the golden rule of every NC guide: DO NOT REPLY TO ANYTHING until you hear the magic words, "I want you back." Let them beg, cry, squirm, scream. Do not buckle. Do not go out for that drink, those wings, that cup of tea. You are worth so much more than that!

 

He emailed multiple times a day from different addresses. The mystery number was blowing up my phone. But still no magic words...

 

Finally, I was most likely ranting on Loveshack, when a rock hit my window (my boyfriend always used to walk to my house and wake me in the middle of the night by throwing rocks at my window).

 

He stood outside; I immediately ducked down so he couldn't see me. I thought about everything Weil and Allen wrote about NOT breaking NC, not even letting a man see you until he negotiates the commitment YOU want... so I phoned him. (I could call out, but he still couldn't call in because he was blocked. )

 

I told him to speak. I didn't prompt him to say anything in any way. He gave me the same crap for a while, dancing around the issue, but not coming out and saying it.

 

I told him I needed to know why he was here, and then I would decide if I should open the door. I snuck around the house to watch him from another window where he couldn't see me. My boyfriend used to have the longest, most beautiful hair. He had cut it off. He stood outside with flowers, and bags of stuff (gifts for me, our tea, expensive salmon that I love to eat). He was dressed to the nines.

 

FINALLY he said he wanted to try again and make things right, and then launched into an epic speech about how I was a gift to humanity. I purposely waited and listened to his speech. Then, I finally opened the door.

 

I made him sit. I made him talk and tell me everything before I told him a peep about me.

NC and the time I spent on myself was CRITICAL for three reasons: first, because I was actually able to stay calm and poised. I did NOT cry while he was there.

 

Secondly, when I finally did get to talking about myself... my perceived value shot WAY up. I had filled my life with so many interesting things. I stayed strong and kept moving on. Sure, I cried so much that my eye developed a weird twitch that lasted for months, BUT, I didn't stop doing the things I loved. I was developing hot pole bod.

 

Thirdly, because I never once reached out to him, it permanently altered the power dynamic in the relationship. (I highly recommend reading The Passion Paradox that explains the "one up/one down" phenomenon.) If the relationship breaks because one person is too attached--I may have been, I wasn't a stage 5 clinger, but I was definitely too attached before--the power dynamic HAS to be altered. If you are dumped, you are likely on the bottom, for whatever reason, and the ONLY WAY to rectify this is to stay strong unto yourself. There are huge spiritual lessons to be learned, and those lessons center around how well you treat yourself during your darkest times. It won't feel like anything while you suffer--but when the suffering starts to fade, your goodness to yourself will hit you, and you will realize how incredibly strong you are.

 

Now, I really didn't intend to have sex that night. I wanted to make him wait. We discussed it at length before we did it. He gave me the biggest orgasm and I burst into tears (I never cried during sex before... ever). That really shook my boyfriend to the core.

 

The litmus test of how much a returning ex really wants to be with YOU is in his actions. I ignored all my boyfriend's words and only watched his actions.

 

In the last three months alone, he put over 30,000 miles on his car to see me. He has called or sent an email *every.* *day.* since we've been back together.

 

I'm stuck living at home (moved back due to car accident/head injury), and my stuck in the 1950's dad was furious that my boyfriend came back. He banished my boyfriend to sleeping in the attic (WTF dad, I pay a huge amount of rent). My house is really the only house we can chill at undisturbed, and if my dad banned my boyfriend, it would be the end of the world. (*I just graduated and am now looking for work close to my boyfriend's house, saving to move down there, so this situation will be resolved soon.) The point is, the path of least resistance for us to be together is for my boyfriend to sleep in the attic, so, (every night at 5am, we set an alarm to wake him up before my dad wakes up) he goes and sleeps in the freaking attic, where it is hot as hell and the cats bite his feet, shake snot all over him, and snore really loud.

 

I burned out working full time and going to school full time, and had some major anxious breakdowns trying to balance everything. My boyfriend sat with me while I sat up all night and cried, he spotted me money (which I have paid back) that no one in my family was willing to spot me. He came to every school event that I had, he came to my graduation. He came to school and let me do his makeup like Rocky Horror for a project.

 

He is my biggest fan, my biggest supporter, and he lets me know it every single day. We're both playing for the same team, and it's the best feeling. He's open and honest with me in ways he never was before the breakup (we both did a lot of growing up).

 

He proudly pushes the cart when we shop for groceries together.

 

He talks about us building a life together after he graduates. He knows I would never live with someone again unless I married, and when I marry, that will be it. Because he is younger, I don't want to push him; he knows what I want and I told him to come and tell me when he's ready. I don't want to rob him of that magical time of crazy roommates leaving beer cans in the shower. Because he is getting into the medical field and I'm starting in the beauty industry, we've entertained tons of mutual dreams about having a business one day. Our timelines for potentially wanting a child match.

 

In the time we were apart, I gorged myself on relationship psych and I feel so much better equipped to build a solid foundation in a relationship now. I have a whole toolbox of communication skills. There is so much you can learn from the experience of heartbreak to bulletproof your next relationship--whether it's with your ex or not!

 

So we are eight months out of reconciliation. We're still fire dancing, doing partner yoga, hiking, camping, laughing, sleeping in each other's arms and being together as much as we can. I enrolled in school during my breakup; I graduated with the support of my boyfriend; and now, ironically, that decision to go to school (improve myself) has freed me to move in town with my boyfriend, so we won't be an hour apart. We have agreed to be neighbors until he's at a point in life where we can completely merge our lives... which we both think would be the most beautiful thing to do.

 

Okay, LONG STORY!

 

In conclusion, to rant about NC in relationship to a lasting reconciliation (not a false recon, where you meet with the ex a few times, probably have ex sex, and then wonder why the ex went cold again): NC will not bring an ex back.

 

Your relationship prior to breakup will determine whether or not the ex returns (carpe diem, make it a good one!). But NC is your #1 tool to set the stage for a TRUE reconciliation. Without NC for both parties for a sufficient amount of time, the same problems are likely to repeat themselves.

 

If your ex is a ****ty person, NC will protect you. If your ex wants an ego boost, easy sex, entertainment at your expense, or idle comfort... NC will protect you. You are not open to false attempts at recon--only to real ones.

 

If you had an awesome relationship with your ex, and a GIGS-style breakup happened out of nowhere, due to a change in life circumstances, or perhaps because you were someone's first serious relationship... there is a good chance the ex will come back to you in the right way. If this happens, NC IS THE ONLY WAY TO PREPARE YOU AND YOUR EX for reconciliation!

 

YOU need to stay NC to remain centered in yourself. You can't ever lose yourself in a relationship. Breakups are a time of darkness, but in your darkest hour is when you have the opportunity to find your greatest strength. BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. Find happiness within yourself. (And yes, cry all you need to.)

 

YOUR EX NEEDS NC to feel the pain of your absence. If you respond to the first tug at your strings, it communicates that A) you are available [and therefore not absent] and B) LOW-VALUE because you are ACCEPTING COMMUNICATIONS FROM A PERSON WHO REJECTED YOU.

DO NOT ACCEPT COMMUNICATIONS FROM A PERSON WHO REJECTS YOU. If you lower your value, you will lose attraction and respect. Perceived low-value is a relationship killer. Desperation makes anybody run.

Your ex must be forced to come to the conclusion COMPLETELY INDEPENDENT OF YOU that he/she wants you back. Do not interfere with the process of them realizing they want you. Staying silent is the hardest thing to do, but you must. You have to trust that you are worth it (hence all the self-esteem building activities for YOU during NC). You have to believe that you are worth it!

 

The ex must feel the pain until the pain compels them to act.

 

You must have determined your own worth before this moment, and found the strength to set the bar for acceptable communications. I decided I wanted a face-to-face conversation. Nothing less was good enough. I had to KNOW that I deserved this and leave no other available option.

I live at home. When my ex came knocking, he knew full well my dad could have answered the door.

 

Would I have wanted him back if he was too chicken to show his face that the door? God no, why would I waste my time with a man who is a coward?

 

Finally, NC is important, because if you never reach out to the ex, it means you have moved on without them. You can take them or leave them; your happiness does not depend on the ex. Therefore, the ex cannot take you for granted. The ex must work to add to your happiness, because you are a strong, happy being, with or without them.

 

You MUST have faith in yourself and know you deserve happiness, whether from the ex or someone else. I often thought about NC as using the power of void or negative space to draw them back. The greatest gift--what your relationship doesn't necessarily want, but it may need--is the gift of your absence. It's true, it's really, truly, true, nobody knows what they have until it's gone.

 

If you send that happy birthday text, you're not really gone. Go ahead, disappear. I dare you. There's nothing to lose. Give yourself completely to yourself, because it is the best investment you'll ever make. If you were good to your ex and your ex has half a brain cell, they'll probably come around at some point.

 

But not until you've truly let go, because the universe is FREAKING WEIRD like that, and it's a breakup cliche that's absolutely true.

 

I've watched a few other friends flounder with breakups. None could stick to NC. All got back together... and broke up again, some multiple times.

 

If you use NC as an opportunity to go into your darkness, learn, and grow, you aren't the same person. It frees you from the past to make new and better decisions. Your old relationship failed, for whatever reason; the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. Learn. Grow.

 

Big thanks to everyone who was here for me in times of pain. Big thanks to those who wrote words of wisdom before me.

 

If I can leave any words of wisdom behind of my own, it is that while you cannot control if your ex returns, you can control whether or not to rebuild the relationship in a functional way, and you control that by executing NC. You can't build a relationship while broken, therefore you must remain NC to heal; you can't build a relationship with someone who is hurtful or selfish, therefore NC is your shield; if your relationship was good, and you do want them back, let your parting gift be the gift of your absence, to your ex and to yourself, so that you both may grow and learn. There are no guarantees, but it really is your best shot.

[Oregon_Dude]

Thanks for sharing your story! I'm glad it worked out for you. I hope you guys continue to have fun and stay solid.

 

You make really good points about NC - it's for you to heal. Sounds like you did all the right things for yourself.

 

Just a word of caution, though, to all the hopefuls out there - your story is rare. I wouldn't want anyone to get their hopes up. Fact is, if he hadn't come back, you would have met someone else eventually who ALSO would have been a good fit for you.

 

Truly happy for you.

[flexxy]

Hi blackcat777 I love your post, it is a great insight.

 

My situation;

 

Ex of 2 years (her first serious relationship and we shared ALOT of experiences together, ended because I was stupid and started taking her for granted/ was hesitant of moving in with her among fighting quite a lot in the last few months)

 

Anyways, dumped 2 months ago, semi pleaded the first instance it happened, but didn't show too much emotion, went NC a week and then tried to talk to see where she was at, she seemed fairly set on her decision so I left it at that.

 

Went NC for 6 weeks, she breadcrumed at 3 weeks (saying she missed me and thought of me often), I ignored. 6 weeks in and she asks to catchup, stupidly i went to get a coffee and she just wanted to know how I'd been, it was okay and I kept my **** together. Fast forward to that night, we slept together a few times that night and she acted like everything was like it was before (hugging, telling me she missed me and still loved me ect ect), but I knew she was still set on not wanting to be with me for whatever reason, and I left in the morning. She said when I was leaving that I had changed since she broke up with me (more confident ect) and said the usual, im not saying we won't be together in the future BS. Haven't talked since (2.5 weeks ago now).

 

I may have ruined any chance of future reconciliation by doing this? But I know I must now stay NC and try move on, I have made a few major changes in my life. How long did it take for your EX to come back in the end?

[Oregon_Dude]

Ack, this is my point. People are going to be hopeful their exes will come back. And they won't. But anyway. Your story is 1 in 100. I guess it does happen, though...

[blackcat777]

When I had my breakup, I felt like I was searching long and hard for success stories to ferret out the patterns.

 

Now I see breakups everywhere, with people running back to each other left and right. Tragically, though, they're all full of drama and toxicity. Nobody takes time out to fix what's broken inside, and all that ever repeats itself is a broken relationship dynamic.

 

Going NC feels really scary, but if something is meant to be, it will be. Bonds don't break easily. The smart thing to do would be to take some quiet time and reboot.

 

I had one ex that I never, ever thought I'd do better than. It took eight years, but I finally did. It isn't always easy to find someone. But it's critically important to be in a healthy frame of mind when you do find someone, and you can always work on that starting right now!

 

My breakup also made me think about learning how to become a kind of person that a good partner wants to commit to. There's never a bad time to start learning those skills... my breakup was like a big knock in the head to get started.

 

You definitely have to be happy with yourself, on your own, always. Happiness will follow... whether in the form of a reformed ex or someone better.

 

Flexxy, I was NC for four months before I heard a peep from my ex. Bonnie Weil says a dumper won't begin to process the breakup for 6-8 weeks (and Pat Allen advises against any reconciliations that happen too early); and once they begin to process it, it could take six months to a year. It's not something quick... which feels totally unbearable when you're in the pain of it all. Four months was really kind of quick.

 

I used to count the hours, then the hours became days, the days weeks, then I lost track of counting time. It does get better with time.

 

I do think NC that provokes lasting changes comes in the timeframe of months+, and not weeks. The other person needs to experience every facet of life without you, in order to make a fully informed decision to return. The slightest bit of interaction detracts from the process. I don't think anything can be ruined, but people can build up negative interactions over time, and that takes time to dissipate, on top of other adjustments from NC, so it's best to disappear and focus on being positive within yourself.

 

If a relationship breaks in part due to something inside you, if you never take the time to address that, similar problems will resurface in any relationship. NC can be a gift to yourself.

 

---

 

If I had gone back to my ex early, he probably would have seen me. We probably would have had ex sex, and then he would have disappeared, and I'd be miserable. Even if he decided to be with me now, had I interfered, a part of him would have always wondered what was out there because he was never free to experience the contrast. He maybe would have even come to resent me over time.

 

It was a growing pains kind of breakup, and I have seen a lot of similar stories here. No one rule applies to everything, but there are patterns.

 

NC is still the best thing to do. It will save your sanity... no matter what the situation. Give yourself two months of solid downtime... and the clouds will start to lift.

 

Regardless of who comes and goes, you will be okay.

 

And if someone does happen to return... you want to be in the best frame of mind possible.

 

If someone new comes along... you still want to be in the best frame of mind possible.

 

If you want to wake up feeling good inside yourself every day, regardless of what the world throws at you... you want to be in the best frame of mind possible.

 

You can ALWAYS love yourself. That's the only guarantee I'm making.

[Oregon_Dude]

That's a great post, bc, and it truly warms my heart. It's nice to see a success story from time to time. And I think you really highlighted that you really did let things go, and a lot of time passed, before he reached out.

 

Thanks again, and I'm super glad for you.

[flexxy]

Ack, this is my point. People are going to be hopeful their exes will come back. And they won't. But anyway. Your story is 1 in 100. I guess it does happen, though...

 

I'd like to note that I have no intention of breaking no contact, not that I was the one to break it before, but this thread gives me more hope about finding myself rather than reconciling to be honest, which is helpful because its always good to hear how time has helped heal and rediscover oneself.

[nellbell86]

Omg I LOVE everything you have written! I only wish I had come across it sooner, before I did all the things I SHOULDNT have done after my bf (who is also 8 years younger) dumped me out of the blue GIG style. Almost every day since that horrendous day 5 weeks ago, I have reached out to him in some way, text, messenger, snapchat. They all go unanswered, and all make me feel even s***tier about myself, and no doubt stroke his ego whilst making me look pathetic in his eyes. I really wish I had have controlled my crazy emotions and done some googling before I went all Stage 5 Clinger on my ex

 

Now he has said to me:

- I need space to figure me out

- I really do love you

- I want to talk, in time

 

Ours was his first 'real' relationship, in that it was a proper, adult, this-could-be-forever kind of thing, and I believe/hope/dunno that he may have gotten a bit scared, cold feet, and backed away for space cos I'm the first girl to actually treat him well and want a forever relationship with him, and that was something new and maybe daunting for him to process. I have a question for you, do you think it is too late to implement NC, in the hopes of not only giving him the space he wants and time to figure himself out, giving me time to sort myself and the issues I brought to the table (I know I have insecurities I need to work on) and give us any kind of potential hope for reconciliation?

[Gingerlocks]

How long were you nc for, before he came back to you?

[blackcat777]

nellbell: It's never too late for NC... just be strong and stick to it.

 

The cool thing about NC is that it really does change your perspective with time.

 

I was NC for a total of four months... which was still actually pretty quick, compared to a lot of the other GIGS reconciliations I read about on the net.

 

SmokeyBear has a thread on here somewhere that says, for GIGS, expect 6 months to two years for someone with GIGS to return (provided the relationship was truly a good relationship, not toxic). The idea with GIGS is that people need to go completely wild and learn their boundaries the hard way, so they have a huge differential of experience to make a more informed decision. I will try to dig up the threads when I have some time.

 

With my boyfriend, he went nuts and partied really hard, bottomed out, and narrowly avoided some dire circumstances that served as a wake-up call. The breakup wasn't about me... which was the hardest part for me to understand. It was about him needing to experience certain things about growing up.

 

When he left, I felt like he made a huge mistake in throwing me away when he left his former home life behind. It came out of nowhere. NC gave him the time and the space to realize he felt the same way.

 

I was tormented during the breakup because I couldn't understand what I did. It hurt twice as much, because it was my first relationship where I felt like things were good, and I didn't wreck it by being a raging psycho (like I was in my younger days). But it wasn't me...

 

Hopefully that provides some more perspective for the GIGS situations. It hurts. Space and time are still the best thing...

 

People get so afraid an ex will forget. You have to stay NC and trust that you're not forgettable. When you're freshly dumped, it seems incomprehensible, but after a few months of NC and working on yourself, you'll feel better, and you'll be centered in yourself again, less concerned with external validation. Just don't cave in to those thoughts about being forgotten, because you won't be. The quality of the relationship before the breakup will determine whether or not the ex chooses to reach out, and for what reasons...

[greenvalley]

It is great how things turned out for you blackcat777.

NC is indeed the only solution to protect yourself and evolve as a person.

 

Unfortunately my situation is totally different as my ex entered another relationship almost 2 months after we broke up and they're still together. We broke up a year and 3 months ago. I don't know if you have any valuable advice but I know for a fact that NC is the only solution which of course I strictly stick to it.

[xpaperxcutx]

It is great how things turned out for you blackcat777.

NC is indeed the only solution to protect yourself and evolve as a person.

 

Unfortunately my situation is totally different as my ex entered another relationship almost 2 months after we broke up and they're still together. We broke up a year and 3 months ago. I don't know if you have any valuable advice but I know for a fact that NC is the only solution which of course I strictly stick to it.

 

Green Valley,

 

 

My ex left me for someone so I understand your feelings entirely. It seems like we're still somewhat stuck while they have moved on with someone else. This is the point where you literally have to stop caring about them and to stop wondering what they are up to.

 

 

My motto- "It doesn't matter anymore".

 

 

If they come back, then that's something you cannot predict, nor should you hold out for that hope.

 

 

If they don't come, the former will have helped you move on.

[bluefeather]

Thank you so much for writing this. I have been going through the process of being dumped. It hurts so much. I have actually been reading these forums because I stumbled on one of your earlier posts that mentioned a book, Make up don't Break up, which I just read. Got here by searching for information on what to do about this breakup. It's been a few weeks. My issue according to what I have been able to understand from my readings, is that this person was the "distancer" and I was the "pursuer." The relationship was fantastic and we both made each other so happy, but when we would sometimes fight, she would become very angry. Too angry, and she would push me so far away. This was then followed with her coming back and apologizing for her outbursts, and we would make up.

 

But this last time, something happened again (another fight) and she ran away, only this time, it was too far. She literally moved. She wouldn't answer my calls and she decided to text me, saying that she loves me so much, and it is likely that she over-reacted, but it is now over for good since she literally moved away. She is now starting a new life without me. I felt so... hopeless. I feel like it was such an immature move for her to give up on us, yet still, I tried to struggle with my past actions and blame myself for driving her away.

 

When she would not return my calls, I begged her to speak with me... and she texted me. After she said it was over for good, I was even more hurt. I lashed out and was so angry at her for abandoning me when she at the same time said she will never stop loving me. I called her out on hypocrisy. And that is when she blocked my number. So I believe that I have now sealed my own fate with those words. She most likely used them as fuel to push me away completely - to turn any pain she had about us into anger towards me and not wanting anything more to do with me.

 

I am madly in love with her. Desperately so. And now I feel even worse for speaking my mind at the time.

 

I do not know if she will ever come back anymore. But I do take comfort hearing these words... That I have to now take care of myself. And I have to learn to be ok with letting her go.

 

Maybe if I think about it more, I will realize that this was for the best. That she was not a good person to me, and I deserve better. But right now... I am in this phase. She is all I desire. I now wonder if she will one day begin to feel the pain of not having me by her side any more and attempt to reach out like you have talked about. I don't know... but I will try to take care of myself and not try to contact her.

 

Again, thank you so much for your words.

[Frogwife]

That's a great post, bc, and it truly warms my heart. It's nice to see a success story from time to time. And I think you really highlighted that you really did let things go, and a lot of time passed, before he reached out.

 

Thanks again, and I'm super glad for you.

 

It happens much, much, much more than people think... problem is on forums like this, it's usually the sad, brokenhearted stories we hear, not the happy ones.

 

There is a post on e-notalone called Getting Back Together Really Does Happen Getting back together really does happen! and there are thousands of stories of people getting back together. I could tell you a dozen right now. And, of course, a dozen that didn't. We just never know what is going to happen.

[candie13]

 

The breakup wasn't about me... which was the hardest part for me to understand. It was about him needing to experience certain things about growing up.

 

When he left, I felt like he made a huge mistake in throwing me away when he left his former home life behind. It came out of nowhere. NC gave him the time and the space to realize he felt the same way.

 

I was tormented during the breakup because I couldn't understand what I did. It hurt twice as much, because it was my first relationship where I felt like things were good, and I didn't wreck it by being a raging psycho (like I was in my younger days). But it wasn't me...

 

It hurts. Space and time are still the best thing...

 

People get so afraid an ex will forget. You have to stay NC and trust that you're not forgettable. When you're freshly dumped, it seems incomprehensible, but after a few months of NC and working on yourself, you'll feel better, and you'll be centered in yourself again, less concerned with external validation. Just don't cave in to those thoughts about being forgotten, because you won't be. The quality of the relationship before the breakup will determine whether or not the ex chooses to reach out, and for what reasons...

 

I empathize a lot with this post, especially the bolded. It did take me a long time to realize that yes, the break up was not / is not about me, it's about him, too. His issues. His choices. His way of living his life.

 

Indeed, the fact that I didn't do any major f*ck ups does not help my getting over it, but looking back, it only reinforces the fact that even if the RS was one of the better ones, this has absolutely nothing to do with a person choosing to be in it, because they may want someone more flexible, less independent, easier to dominate, etc.

 

In my case, the RS was not a long one. I can easily say now that he didn't reveal his true self to me. Fair enough, his choice. I also realize that his reaction to the break up is much more relevant as to his personality, his preferences, his lack of flexibility and his preference to have it his way.

 

Don't get me wrong, I've wronged him and myself strongly by leaving. But it is his preference to keep things the way they are, because I do not tolerate full domination. I do not tolerate that he imposes his thoughts, ideas and way of living onto myself. I know I need flexibility and a partner to talk, debate, fight and talk some more, to be truly happy. I cannot be squashed, my mind, my ideas, my way of being cannot work that way. And irrelevant as to why we broke up and how good or bad the RS was, this difference in how we work and how we prefer to operate - in our life, that RS - that difference becomes critical in wanting to stay or leave a RS.

 

I know what I need to be happy. While I do appreciate a strong, decisive partner, I know long term I cannot tolerate lack of flexibility and freedom. I will always want to be an equal partner - in the sense where my opinion mattes. I will always request my partner to consider me in our decisions. I will always want to feel loved and shown that I am loved. There's just no way around these terms.

 

Anything else is settling.

 

So yeah, I have accepted not only my faults, but also... strangely, that my errors, my overreactions may have been based on intuition... and that my intuition was not that dead wrong, after all. The outcome sucks, but... what if, what if I just happen to have done the right thing, after all ?

 

With some men, the RS is hard and the 2 keep fighting and hurting eachother... but guess what, that means that those 2 are talking, sharing and in a strange way finding their way in finding their middle ground. Other RS seem so fluid and strong and smooth... only because the difficult topics are skillfully avoided. And when the storm hits the ship, it'll simply sink in less that 5 minutes. I am grateful for this failed RS because it taught me to ask the hard question when and if I feel like asking them and to fight for an authentic RS, not a smooth one.

 

Indeed, the tricky part in a break up is to get over the guilt and feelings of "not good enough" and look at it from a higher ground... Be less self centered and realize that the break up is most likely about the other person as well. His choices. His lifestyle. His emotions. His fears. His lifestyle.

 

Indeed breaking up and staying broken up is an active choice. Like you, with time, I realize that I have done mistakes, but my instincts were correct. That's the really strange and fine balancing act - to which degree should you trust yourself? When did you do the right thing if the RS ended up in pieces, anyway ?

 

As you correctly point it out, with solid NC, moving on and some healthy introspection, these answers will come. And people can run away from many things, but they cannot run away from themselves. And if the RS was good and if the 2 did have an authentic bond, each one of the partners will get their answer, irrelevant if they end up together or not. No one's perfect, everyone makes faults. And we all love. I do believe there is a higher order rules by love, out there. God won't allow for 2 people inlove to not end up together. IF they do not end up together, it's because there is no love from both sides. And that is a good enough answer, after all .

[Felicite]

 

The breakup wasn't about me... which was the hardest part for me to understand. It was about him needing to experience certain things about growing up.

 

When he left, I felt like he made a huge mistake in throwing me away when he left his former home life behind. It came out of nowhere. NC gave him the time and the space to realize he felt the same way.

 

I was tormented during the breakup because I couldn't understand what I did. It hurt twice as much, because it was my first relationship where I felt like things were good, and I didn't wreck it by being a raging psycho (like I was in my younger days). But it wasn't me...

 

Hopefully that provides some more perspective for the GIGS situations. It hurts. Space and time are still the best thing...

 

People get so afraid an ex will forget. You have to stay NC and trust that you're not forgettable. When you're freshly dumped, it seems incomprehensible, but after a few months of NC and working on yourself, you'll feel better, and you'll be centered in yourself again, less concerned with external validation. Just don't cave in to those thoughts about being forgotten, because you won't be. The quality of the relationship before the breakup will determine whether or not the ex chooses to reach out, and for what reasons...

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

My situation is very similar to yours, I was dumped a couple months ago, out of the blue by my bf (who is like your bf, some years younger ) for the GIGS syndrome as all indicators are showing.

I also haven’t been able to make out what I did wrong, and I keep thinking about it all the time and cry very often thinking about how much I miss him and what I could do to get him back.

 

I find myself thinking of breaking NC to tell him that I still want him and have feelings for him, but I now understand that it has to be him that has to come back and tell me that he wants to be with me,(if it ever happens) or else it’s worth nothing.

I also understand that I must focus on myself and becoming a better and happier person.

 

It’s hard to understand why he threw me away because my feelings overtake me all the time, but in the end like you say, it wasn’t about me. Maybe he has to go through this whole process and understand what he wants for himself and his life. I loved him so much and cared genuinely for him, so it's a pity, but he has to realize it by himself, and I also have to realize that there ‘s no point in caring for someone that doesn’t appreciate it.

 

I did nothing wrong, and posts like this give me hope to stay NC even though I waver all the time. I really am struggling, but I suppose it’s part of the process.

LS has been very helpful every time I want to vent, and I have second thoughts.

NC definitely keeps you out of the mess, and preserves your sanity and that’s a relief for the time being.

[emotional_particle]

hi blackcat

 

i'm really glad and happy to hear your success story. I was wondering if you could help me with some advise and tips please. but i really don't want to post my story over here.is it a way that i cant tell you my story in a more private way?

 

thanks

[Travelchick84]

Wow...so many things here that help keep me positive in knowing I'm doing the right thing!

Blackcat777 your post was amazing! I felt like I was reading my own situation!

2-3 weeks ago I was a mess! Self pitying thinking I wasn't good enough to be lived by him as he said he didn't after our holiday...been together 11 months. All done by text and over the phone, all the I care about you/don't want to hurt your feelings. I didn't know what to do or think!

I found this forum and realised that NC was something I needed to do for me because prior to our holiday and the break up, so much had been going in in my life I literally hadn't stopped and the distance from him during my busy time left me needy and insecure. I tried to end it thinking that was best and he refused - only so HE could do it. So during my NC stage (which is now nearly 2 weeks) I've learnt that he wanted the control, he wanted to do it because of his issues he has with feelings and not me as a person. I did a lot for him and his daughter, I cared and gave him affection and a life he really didn't have before he met me, he was so blown away by my strength and independence when he met me, yet I didn't show any signs of that towards the end because I relied on him for my happiness! Yet he wanted me and chased me at the beginning because I showed him what life could be like with me due to my job, opportunities(I've no commitments or baggage) and he jumped at it. He has issues with anyone depending on him because he fights so hard to keep his daughter due to her mum constantly threatening him that he can't see her and using their daughter as a weapon which was awful for him. I supported him with this, he knows that if he needed me he could rely on me, whenever he had a wobbly I'd go running.

But now I no longer think what could I have done? Because in reality I did everything a partner is supposed to do in a relationship - I wasn't selfish, I gave a lot and cared because to me he was someone I could see who needed that. We had a drama free relationship with lots of laughs. The only time it wasn't good was when he struggled with his feelings towards me. I kinda feel sorry for him now looking back - because the NC has helped me to see that.

I no longer wear the rose tinted glasses, I no longer wish for him to beg me back, because I need time and he most definitely does!! He hasn't had the time to get things sorted for him to become a happier person. I was so afraid he would be chasing women but I think he can't be he has too much going on in his life and I know him well - he wouldn't accept more drama in his life than he already has (with his daughters mum). It would be wrong for him to do that as he clearly needs time alone.

Do I think he will get in touch? Probably, because I know him well, he has removed me from fb but that's it. Still has my number, it isn't blocked and he said he wanted to just get on with his life. My things are still at his, he hasn't asked me to get them and he hasn't asked if I can collect through a mutual friend. I see it as leaving some sort of way he can contact me when he is ready. For me...fine let him but I continue to grow stronger each day and it's weird how the pain really does fade with time. I didn't realise this 3 weeks ago and never thought I would say how I feel now as I type this!!

Out holiday photos he still wants as stated in our last phone call (the break up) on the 4th,

I am however posting them to him because it was his holiday too - he hasn't asked me not to nor has he said please do not contact me again. It was just sort if left with him texting me a ****ty message because I had sent one saying goodbye and being the nice person that I am despite how he ended it with me (coward).

So if and when he gets in touch I feel the same as blackcat777 did, I won't be accepting any breadcrumbs and my silence will be my control again, control I had at the start and control I'm slowly getting back. He knows me so well that I'd go running back if he asked but this time around I've had the power of NC. I will know in my heart and my head what to do if the situation arises. And if I see him on a night out...smile and be polite and just continue enjoying my night with my friends. I won't ever let him know how much this has hurt me but a smile and the light inside of you will shine when you truly feel it and he will see that. I always said I'd never let another man make me cry and I need to remember that and I'm slowly becoming the woman I was that left such an impression on him when we first met.

And if nothing happens then I know that when I do meet someone new I will keep that with me and always remain true to myself and keep that strength and never think I'm anything less than perfect.

 

Hope this makes sense to you all...in writing this I think the penny has finally dropped for me as they say

[singme2sleep]

blackcat777,

 

Would you mind giving me some advice?

[brokenhearted85]

blackcat777 is there a way for me to direct message you on here? i am going through the same exact thing you went through. age difference and everything (i was 29 when we met, he was 19, thought he was 23) ...i really need to talk to someone else who has been through this because NONE of my friends can relate or help.

[Sweet108]

Blackcat777 this is such an awesome story, not just for the recon but for how you were honest with yourself and for doing what really works - NC. After a break up two things can happen when you go NC - you heal faster and have a better life or the other person will show you with ACTIONS not words that they want you back. Crying, yelling, bargaining, online "checking" these things don't work plus you lose your dignity. A person who is putting effort into self growth and confidence is way more attractive and appealing than a pleader.