Go or not go? Gift or no gift? Bday Party

[OneLife2Live]

My cousin and I are in our mid 40's. We were very close growing up. We lived about 2 hours apart but seen each other as much as we could.

 

FF to now, we both have families. Her children are young so still living at home. Mine are out on their own. We don't get together that much anymore since we both been M.

 

If I don't call or text her, I would probably never hear from her. I always tell her I miss her and she never calls me anymore. She has some excuse she is busy. I understand that, my kids were young once too.

 

The only time I hear from her is when her siblings or parents are having a bday party and invite us. Tonight her H text me and tells me he is having a bday party for her this weekend and invites me. Here we go, only hear from them when it's a bday party! I'm half tempted to not go!

 

When my son graduated HS she couldn't come, had plans with her H, that's fine. But, no card or a gift. Following year, my DD graduates HS. She comes and brings a card. Tells my DD she is sorry she couldn't give her anything, she is broke. My DD tells her that was ok, but thanks for coming.

 

I just returned back to work FT from hours being cut and I'm still trying to play catch up with my bills so I am pretty much broke. Ok, I'm not flat broke, but I have bills to catch up on which is a priority. Do I go with just a card in hand and tell her sorry but with just getting back to work FT I just can't afford a gift? Which is the truth. I know she will be disappointed without a gift, it's the way that whole family is. They have always been that way. She lives a little over an hour away so will need to pay for fuel to get there.

 

I'm just pissed the only time I hear from her is when one of her family is having a bday party. I know, that's pretty petty, but it just pisses me off!

[La.Primavera]

I can understand why you are feeling so frustrated. It sounds like you love her despite her flaws, and given the fact that she is family I think it is worth going to the party. If it is such a big deal to not receive a gift then I would suggest something homemade like jam, or anything you can put a bow on, maybe even flowers from the garden?

 

If times are really tight though, don't feel pressured into going. Just let them know you will be unable to attend as soon as possible.

 

The joys of family!

[d0nnivain]

I think you can go card only because that is her MO. Or you can simply mail the card & save the gas & aggravation of going.

[OneLife2Live]

Thanks for the reply. I'm to the point where I want to give her a taste of her own medicine. But, two wrongs don't make a right.

I'm just tired of the only one trying to stay in contact when she doesn't and the only time she does, is when it comes to their birthday parties.

 

 

At my uncle's bday party, her dad, my cousin and my aunt (her mom) where opening the cards they would comment how much money was in a card. There was one that didn't have any money or gift. My cousin even made a comment about nothing in the card. She set the card aside. Next one had $25.00 in it. My cousin said "This has $25 in it" in an excited tone of voice.

 

Shortly before she and my aunt opened the cards, my other cousin (her sister who also didn't send even a card to my kids for their graduation) asked me if I got her son's graduation invite. Told her yes, thank you but unfortunately, I wasn't able to attend, it was K's (my niece whose parents are both deceased) HS graduation that day also. My cousin snaps at me and ask "Who is K?!" I tell her "My niece." She just got a snotty look on her face and looked away. How dare she snap at me and ask my who K was just because I couldn't go to her nephew's graduation. My nieces Graduation is more important than her nephew's especially when she has no parents to help her celebrate. As you can see, I'm tired of the give me, give me, give me, with this family.

[La.Primavera]

As you can see, I'm tired of the give me, give me, give me, with this family.

 

Then a homemade card would probably send her over edge! If the card is just going to be tossed aside then there is no point in wasting your time or money.

[UpwardForward]

Does she cook? A pot of mixed herb plants could be an inexpensive gift.

 

It's up to you if you wish to go or just send a card.

 

The last function I was invited to, but couldn't decide about: I went. Everyone was nice to me. But I just wanted to get out of there, then had to wait, so it wouldn't look awkward.

 

So this would make me lean toward your just sending a pretty card.

 

On the other hand, someone(s) in attendance may be so happy and needful of you, your presence.

[OneLife2Live]

Then a homemade card would probably send her over edge! If the card is just going to be tossed aside then there is no point in wasting your time or money.

Yep, exactly! LOL! Send her over the edge... that is funny!

 

Does she cook? A pot of mixed herb plants could be an inexpensive gift.

 

It's up to you if you wish to go or just send a card.

 

The last function I was invited to, but couldn't decide about: I went. Everyone was nice to me. But I just wanted to get out of there, then had to wait, so it wouldn't look awkward.

 

So this would make me lean toward your just sending a pretty card.

 

On the other hand, someone(s) in attendance may be so happy and needful of you, your presence.

No, she doesn't cook, she does, but only because she has to for her family. In fact, I think they eat out more than she cooks. TBH with you.

I thought about going, but I know how it would turn out, she would be happy I was there, but, I know she would be disappointed I came without a gift. I can just see it now.

The last party I was invited to of hers her 40th. I did go to that one as it was a big milestone one. I did buy her a couple of gifts. Something I thought she would really like. She said thanks but she didn't seem too thrilled with them so that made me feel like poo. She pretty much hung out with her friends that I didn't know. I spent more time visiting with her family and my parents than I did with her because she would just leave me and go sit with her friends, whom she sees all the time as they live near, I don't.

We always call each other for our bdays which is a few days apart. I called her last year but she ended the conversation short as she was at her friends celebrating. When my bday came, she didn't call me or text. Yes, I was hurt but what can I do? About two weeks later I called her about something else I needed to talk to her about. She answers the phone with "You must hate me!" I asked her why I would hate her? She said because she didn't call me for my bday. I totally didn't think of it until she brought it up. I told her I didn't hate her, but I was hurt. She said she was sorry. We talked about what I called about and again, she ended the phone call shortly after I called.

I'm leaning against not going. If it were her 50th, yes, I would go. But, since she doesn't seem to care about keeping in touch with me or only contacting me for bday parties, I'm done.

[anika99]

Why is this even a dilemma? She doesn't make any time for you and you clearly have a lot of disdain for her. You two are obviously not friends and you don't even like her so just don't go.

[OneLife2Live]

Why is this even a dilemma? She doesn't make any time for you and you clearly have a lot of disdain for her. You two are obviously not friends and you don't even like her so just don't go.

Who said I don't like her? I love her very much, but I don't like the way she treats me. You can still love someone even though they don't treat you the way they should.

When we do get together, we really enjoy our time together. I'm just hurt and upset that she only bothers to contact me when it comes to a bday party.