To Men. Who can actually resist (infidelity)

[nightmare01]

Well if most men are brain dead fools and slaves to their hormones, and are having affairs, then I need to ask - who are they having affairs with?

 

I've been on internet infidelity boards since Dday - 7-19-2001 - and it's my impression that about 80% of affairs are with another married person, and about 19% with single people who know they are an OP, and about 1% with single people who don't know that the person they are with is married or in a relationship.

 

Most of the affairs I've seen on line were heterosexual, requiring one man and one woman. So if only men can't control themselves and have affairs, who are they having affairs with?

[PrettyEmily77]

Not a guy, not an avid infidelity forum reader, extensive life experience, never cheated myself, have had a few LTRs with zero cheating (plenty of other issues tho, but not that one), my BF is not a cheater, nor are my father or my brother. My brother is a classically good looking guy and I've seen him be approached A LOT, have had a ton of women trying to befriend me for the specific purpose of getting closer to him whether or not he was single - he never acted on it.

 

I also know a quite of few ppl who have cheated (men and women of any sexual orientation) but I wouldn't say there were in the majority, IME.

 

Of course, you never know what's going on behind closed doors, and I might be overly idealistic but I like to think that honourable ppl are a lot more numerous than we think; it's just that they don't won't walk about with a big 'not a cheat' neon sign on their foreheads.

[katielee]

This is a depressing thread. Ugh. Paints both genders in a crappy light. I mean, if an attractive woman throws herself at a guy is it a done deal, married or not?

[ShatteredLady]

Oh Katielee I'm sorry you read it like that. There are lots of posters who said quite the opposite. Despite everything I've been through I KNOW there are many thoughtful, honest, kind people with plenty of self control.

 

I know my Dad would take issue with me saying "self control". he's never considered loyalty in M to be a sacrifice. He would say it takes no self control because he's never been tempted to break his vows.

[atreides]

I know women cheat, possibly as much as men. I phrased my question that way because of this (quote) "I've never had a drunk woman grab my crotch and beg me to screw her so I can't say positively no to your first question.".

Firstly I REALLY want to know how many drunk men would push them away & say "I'm married!" & secondly, that blatant offer would often have a woman shouting "sexual assault!" in that situation!

 

For me, while buzzed i would say, i have had a drunk women, not grab my crotch but my ass and complain my pants were too loose hiding my "great ass" as she said and proceeded to pinch the clothing for a better view i assume. I turn around and she gives me her number. I did say i was married and that i am flattered, gave her a hug and sent her on her way.

 

Close enough example???

 

The problem i have with this, while she was attractive, why the drunk part? Or why does the guy need to be drunk? It does not change the context and what cheating is, an addictive behavior tied to an internal issue that has nothing to do with marriage or their spouse. It's not about biology or programming as one can always end a relationship, it however is a different matter to lie, deceive their significant other and moreover themselves while wanting both or all of it. A very different root of behavior that consumes both male and female equally.

 

My only exceptions to the rule, are based on revenge(not the right thing to do but based on a very different behavioral source) or some other cultural or domestic extreme, like arranged marriage.

Edited September 22, 2015 by atreides

[Cloudcuckoo]

Several months after dday, my husband and I had friends over for dinner.

 

There were 8 couples, with us making 10 around the table.

 

It dawned on me that I was actually the only one at that table who had not had an affair.

 

I remember how sad that made me.....

[Furious]

I was just reading a post on the OW forum. There was mention of loosing faith in people (men in general) after reading these forums & going through affairs. I get that.

 

I worked in the drinks industry. Very male dominated. I was the only successful woman in my section of the company. For a while I held the view that I would NEVER get married. Wives were idiots! They dressed-up once a year for a work function. We're very nice. I watched them & their husbands avoiding their mistresses for the night & playing 'great husband & father'. It was all a sick joke! Wives were "The old ball & chain" who nagged & looked after kids, too stupid to realize that their husbands were chasing every new secretary or telesales girl who joined the company.

The whole industry felt like it was constructed for affairs. Long working hours. Lots of alcohol & nights in hotels with co-workers. Most of the married men had affairs or flings...or tried!

Girlfriends & single women got respect! Wives didn't.

 

I grew-up! I fell in love. Got married. Great marriage! Fast forward & my husbands the guy sneaking out to restaurants at lunchtime thinking no-one knew he was having an affair with his assistant!

 

I've known a few (quite attractive) women in my life who try to have sex with anything that moves when drunk. I don't know of many men who have said "No!".

 

I just want my faith restored. Are there men here who have been offered unconditional sex when drunk & said no? Are their men who have been very attracted to a woman who shows interest in being 'friends' but avoided them because they are married? Can the men here PLEASE tell me stories of avoiding temptation? Real temptation thrown at them? Please tell me there are.....

 

 

For every man that cheats, it involves a woman who is a cheater or an accessory to cheating and vice versa.

 

The distinction is not about gender but about character, integrity and empathy.

 

Cheating is easy, especially in our time, it's a click away, a website away, a neighbor away, a bar scene away, a co-worker away. It's there, it's the reality of a free flowing interactive society. The challenge is not cheating, the challenge is to either fix it or leave it. No one is perfect, no one is without temptation, no one cannot say they have no choice or free will. In the end it's about being true in actions and not just words. True character is about what you do and say when no one is looking.

 

The reality is no relationship is immune to ups and downs, no relationship is going fill all needs at all times, if anything there are times that requires putting personal needs aside temporarily, and times to pursue personal needs temporarily that ,all in all, over time, creates a wholeness and meaning to life well lived for oneself and also for the family unit.

 

Just my 2 cents

[Diezel]

My girlfriend has seen me thrown up when I almost choked on some food and was close to passing over to Valhalla. No way I'd ever cheat on someone who saw snot coming out of my nose, chicken out of my mouth and a scared face, stayed there, helped me and then hours later reminded me how much she loves me.

[ladydesigner]

True character is about what you do and say when no one is looking.

 

So true! I love this!

[Marc878]

I have boundaries.

 

I've been approached, flirted with many times. I choose not to go there. A cheater chooses to go there.

 

I don't meet with other women for lunch alone.

 

I don't let women in my office behind closed doors.

 

I never ever talk about sex with women.

 

If I'm at a bar I stay with the men. I don't do guys nite out.

 

I take my wife on dates often. We do a lot together. It's called marriage. Try it sometime.

 

I've been contacted before for lunch obviously from an interested woman. I said that would be great! My wife and I would love to see you. Never heard back. Ha

 

I don't walk near the edge. If you do you'll eventually fall off. All it takes is a touch, some words at just the right time. Essentially I use the players/cheaters handbook in reverse.

 

The same things faithful women should do.

 

If you are with another woman alone an affair may not happen but if you aren't there it can't. Really simple.

Edited September 24, 2015 by Marc878

[Eagle's-bargain]

I just want my faith restored. Are there men here who have been offered unconditional sex when drunk & said no? Are their men who have been very attracted to a woman who shows interest in being 'friends' but avoided them because they are married? Can the men here PLEASE tell me stories of avoiding temptation? Real temptation thrown at them? Please tell me there are.....

 

I was in Japan in a bar. And an older (than me at the time) woman - probably 38 years old - was hitting on me. It clearly was going in the direction of one of those love hotels. I looked at her ring finger, there was a ring. I basically ignored her and went back to my drink. Otherwise I might have considered something, but at the time I was more interested in whiskey and brooding.

 

Funny you're in the "drinks" industry. I prefer my alcohol over women, not in general, but consistently compared to sex (with strangers). I had one 1NS, and did not enjoy it. I prefer to do my banging for when I'm in a relationship.

 

Another time was in a different country within the last year. I was in a bar, trying to get loaded and go home. A woman was hitting on me and getting all touchy feely. This happened on more than one occasion at the same bar with the same woman. She was the same age as me, and cute as hell with the kind of womanly body I like (some fat, strictly to keep warm, and not for cushioning). I turned her down too because when I'm trying to drink, I'm trying to drink.

 

All my guy friends know I'd rather go to a pub than visit a titty bar, the latter of which I loathe.

[SawtoothMars]

I just want my faith restored. Are there men here who have been offered unconditional sex when drunk & said no? Are their men who have been very attracted to a woman who shows interest in being 'friends' but avoided them because they are married? Can the men here PLEASE tell me stories of avoiding temptation? Real temptation thrown at them? Please tell me there are.....

 

This is really simple. Men who want to cheat put themselves in situations where it can happen. Men who don't want to cheat avoid such situations.

 

I had a married female coworker who I interacted with a lot confide in me that her marriage was struggling. I took that as a sign to interact with her less. If she was on a business trip... I would not attend. She fixed her marriage and now has 2 beautiful little boys.

 

If I don't feel like I could resist a temptation if drunk... then I don't drink.

 

On the flip side... I'm pretty sure I could get the vast majority of married women to cheat on their husbands provided I put in the effort.

[katielee]

"On the flip side... I'm pretty sure I could get the vast majority of married women to cheat on their husbands provided I put in the effort.

"

 

This sickens me...

I don't believe it

[Marc878]

"On the flip side... I'm pretty sure I could get the vast majority of married women to cheat on their husbands provided I put in the effort.

"

 

This sickens me...

I don't believe it

 

If they have no boundaries and are walking on the edge. I bet close to 100%

[ShatteredLady]

Quote a "On the flip side... I'm pretty sure I could get the vast majority of married women to cheat on their husbands provided I put in the effort."

 

Definitely NOT most of the married women I know. Even if you look like Brad Pitt/George Clooney whoever! & have the most amazing character & personality. Definitely not true! You must know a lot of very fragile, unhappy women. Do you work in a strip club?

[Mrs. John Adams]

If you took a poll here...i am betting there are almost as many unfaithful women as there are men.

 

to argue who is likely to cheat more can only be answered by those who have remained faithful. In our case...both my husband and i cheated.

In Katielee's case...both cheated.

 

This is no longer a particular gender problem...and quite honestly....we as observers have no idea who among our friends has had infidelity in their marriages. We may think we know...but we don't.

 

None of our friends know....if you asked them about us...they would tell you with certainty....mr and mrs adams? No way!

[ShatteredLady]

My last post would be equally true/false if I replaced women with 'men' & actors names for equally cliche actresses names.

 

I don't think that anyone who 'puts in enough effort' can MAKE anyone cheat. It's about the person, at that time in their life & a whole host of other complex issues.

 

I think it's very sad that anyone thinks that EVERYONE is that prone to infidelity.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I do think every person given the right circumstances....in the right frame of mind...has the ability to cheat. However...I do think there are those individuals who have the right boundaries and the right morals to resist.

 

Sadly...I failed miserably...and i was one of those people who swore it would never happen. I was Miss holier than thou. I went to church three times a week...I did not drink...did not smoke...did not go on girls nights out. I was totally devoted to my husband and my family.....and yet....despite the fact that i would be the first to throw the stone at others....I cheated.

 

The bottom line is...never think you are better than someone else...never judge others....until you have walked in their shoes.

 

There are certainly those who love a conquest...those who love the challenge...those who are predators.....who seek those who might be vulnerable.....but even the vulnerable have the ability to say NO....even the weak can resist.....

[ShatteredLady]

I choose to believe that Mr SawToothMars could put in his very best effort & he couldn't get Mrs John Adams or Mrs Shattered Lady to cheat with him!!

 

The majority of married women aren't so tired of the laundry & kids demands that any guy who puts in the right amount of effort could get them to stray!

 

Some people are prone to affairs... Others...it's not just any man (or woman) who says & does the right things (puts in the effort)... I don't believe that affairs happen because men play the right cards. No matter how hurtful it is to the BS it's still about chemistry & the right/wrong person at the right/wrong time in the WS life.

 

It's the concept that MARRIED WOMEN are ripe for the picking just because they're married women that offends me.

[Mrs. John Adams]

but my dear friend.....there was a man....who said all the right things at just the right time in my life....and he succeeded in bedding me..

 

 

Today? no not today...I am older and wiser...I am in a good place mentally....a good place in my marriage....I truly am in the best place i have ever been.

 

To me... I will admit...his post sounded extremely arrogant...but i am giving him the benefit of the doubt....I don't think he meant it quite like it sounded.

 

I think he was making the point...that if he was on the prowl....he certainly could find a willing partner.....

 

Sadly...he is probably right.

[Marc878]

I choose to believe that Mr SawToothMars could put in his very best effort & he couldn't get Mrs John Adams or Mrs Shattered Lady to cheat with him!!

 

The majority of married women aren't so tired of the laundry & kids demands that any guy who puts in the right amount of effort could get them to stray!

 

Some people are prone to affairs... Others...it's not just any man (or woman) who says & does the right things (puts in the effort)... I don't believe that affairs happen because men play the right cards. No matter how hurtful it is to the BS it's still about chemistry & the right/wrong person at the right/wrong time in the WS life.

 

It's the concept that MARRIED WOMEN are ripe for the picking just because they're married women that offends me.

 

 

It's all about boundaries. If a man or woman has good ones probably not much of a chance. If not and they live on the edge probably close to a certainty.

 

Never underestimate a player. M or F. This is what they do. Almost like a hobby. They work hard at it and learn over time and gain experience. I've seen the type. It's a game to them. SMH

 

A good example would be Mrs. John Adams. If I remember her story correctly she wasn't looking and had no emotional connection but being young and naive probably never had a thought until he innocently got her into his apartment alone. I suspect even then she was is some sort of shock at what was happening. Not your usual story which makes it even more painful to read.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yes he was a player...yes he knew exactly what he was doing....no i had no plans for this to happen

 

But I am responsible for my own actions...I could have at any time said no and gone home to my family.

 

There are people in this world who know how to manipulate and use others for their own benefit....MANY....politicians, officials, executives, teachers, ministers.....they come in all shape and sizes....they come from all walks of life.

they are out there....

 

But if i had stayed true to my boundaries and the vows i made to my husband...if i had listened to my own heart...I would have never gotten myself in the position to cheat in the first place.

 

so no matter how many players there are....no matter how much power they possess.....the choice is ultimately ours....to walk away

[Dutchman1]

As being a musician I traveled the world.

Did have hundreds of offers and opportunities from woman.

I do flirt and talk to woman, but that was always enough for my ego.

I made vows, I did a lot of thinking before I proposed .

The moment I decided I just knew I was committed.

Married 30 years, never a moment of doubt or regret.

 

No woman in the world is worth for me to break my promises.

 

Dutchman 1

[SawtoothMars]

"On the flip side... I'm pretty sure I could get the vast majority of married women to cheat on their husbands provided I put in the effort.

"

This sickens me...

I don't believe it

 

I really don't think women are very different from men in this regard. Their walls are just farther out. Once you get past them you have a much easier time. Additionally, most women have a broad stroke "type", and if you can figure out what that type is it can be very easy to project character traits she finds attractive.

 

Men have walls that are much closer to themselves and are not as guarded up front. I think most quality men keep from cheating primarily by avoiding cheating situations.

 

Example... in my early 20's I was married and had a very attractive older lady as a boss. She was about 35 or so... also married. We went out for drinks as a team and as the evening winded down invited me over to her place to keep going. I was young and SUPER naive, so I went. Her husband was out of town and I'm pretty sure she waited about 2 hours for me to make a move. I honestly thought she just wanted to go over work stuff, so we drank and laughed... and about 10pm she realized I wasn't going to do anything... so she kicked me out. The next day at work she told me in some graphic detail about this dream she had of us "making love". 22 year old me was just massively confused.

 

I think that story kind of illustrates the difference between men and women in this arena. Men are typically expected to make the move, and I think that also applies to cheating.

 

Quote a "On the flip side... I'm pretty sure I could get the vast majority of married women to cheat on their husbands provided I put in the effort."

Definitely NOT most of the married women I know. Even if you look like Brad Pitt/George Clooney whoever! & have the most amazing character & personality. Definitely not true! You must know a lot of very fragile, unhappy women. Do you work in a strip club?

 

It isn't about looking like a celebrity or being the most interesting man in the world.

 

It's about searching for and taking advantage of weak moments. The vast majority of women have them. You know that you have these too!

 

With women much more than men... the grass is always greener on the other side. It's very easy to romanticize someone new than have romance with the guy who leaves his socks on the floor. It's that separation between the effort it takes to make a marriage work, and the excitement and ease of a new relationship.

 

I do think every person given the right circumstances....in the right frame of mind...has the ability to cheat. However...I do think there are those individuals who have the right boundaries and the right morals to resist.

 

You are spot on!

[SawtoothMars]

Shattered,

 

I just want you to know that I've had the same feelings of mistrust and hurt that you do.

 

What turned me around is two things. I met someone who restored my faith in humanity, and I also realized that men and women both cheat. It's very easy to focus on the opposite sex because the cheaters of your gender don't effect you. In order to heal... you need to put the mistrust and hurt behind you. Otherwise you won't get to meet someone who can fully restore your faith!