Heartbroken- Separated BF Considering Reconciling

[Sunshine33]

Dear forum, help me please. I am sick to my stomach, panicky, confused and totally heartbroken. Fate led me to this site. I’m sorry this is so long, but I want you to have full context. I am finally ready to share my story and receive the wisdom, advice and support that this forum provides.

 

In November I will have been involved with a man for five years. Our relationship has gone through many phases. When we met, we were both married. We were both involved in the same organizations and a professional respect and affection developed. A friendship blossomed, and increased disclosure led to an intense EA (yes I have read Not Just Friends). We both fell deeply in love. Eventually we crossed a physical line and learned how powerful that connection was. We tried to keep that part in check out of guilt.

 

As my heart and mind drifted, my marriage wobbled and eventually unraveled. I told my husband about the affair (emotional at the time) and he was enraged. We entered counseling but the fabric of our marriage was destroyed. I initiated divorce (admittedly my AP was still very much in my life). We have children, and I think we have actually done alright by them through this. I believe we were meant to be co-parents to our awesome kids, not lifelong spouses.

 

They were married right out of college and have been married over 30 years. They both agreed some time ago that they never should have married. They have had various bouts of counseling through the years. She was comfortable with their dynamic as it was, he was not. She loved him in her way, but he felt there was a major lack of physical and emotional intimacy between them. They have very avoidant patterns and swept it ALL under the rug without much successful communication. They led fairly separate lives. My H even contacted her to tell her about our affair, and she really did nothing about it. He said he wanted to wait until his youngest was out of the house before doing anything.

 

A year ago, after I had given up that he was not going to make a move and had begun to date someone, he initiated a trial separation. He wrote a long letter outlining his grievances to W (all of which he’d done before), told the kids, told his family, told his friends and colleagues. Some of his friends were flat-out congratulatory. I ended my other relationships and we were blissfully happy to be striking out. Trial separation was to be three months.

 

He got an apartment and we lived together in total bliss (when I did not have my kids, or 50% of the time). We could experience our dynamic in "real life", and it was just as incredible as we’d imagined. Our friendships, hobbies, routines, and even family members started to intertwine. At month 4 he met with BW and explained he was not moving back, and told her about me. He told his kids about me. We were very much a public couple, and the word was getting out that they were divorcing. None of this was EASY, but he seemed to be progressing, and he spoke affirmatively of divorce and our future (moving in together, marriage, etc.). It bothered me a LOT that they were not taking steps regarding divorce, but I tried to be patient. I was never the one to initiate discussion of our future, because to me he had to get divorced first.

 

They corresponded very little except about perfunctory stuff related to the house, etc. To my knowledge she never tried to fight to have him back, or pledge her undying love for him, or anything. She was a bit martyrish. Friends of hers saw us all over town. She professed to have no joy. She moved his stuff out of the house and got rid of their bed and his dresser. Maybe she thought it was a midlife crisis and he’d "snap out of it", I don’t know.

 

One thing to note is that he has a ton of baggage from family of origin. His father left the family when he was very young. His mother was always bitter. It was hard on his sisters and him. Very hard. He has major issues with divorce- major guilt. He has been consumed with guilt and very hard on himself these last several months.

 

Suddenly a few months ago, he began to get very anxious and depressed. He struggles with those conditions anyway. He had started openly talking to me about how they would divide things up. My opinion is that he was getting to the point where he wanted to initiate divorce, and began to panic. I don’t think he had undergone the emotional stages of divorce because he dove into our relationship. I think that caught up. Of his own volition, he met with her to go over some assets and express that they would need to begin proceedings. During that discussion he could not initiate divorce, and it threw him into a tailspin. Why could he not? Guilt? Fear? Was he not ready? It threw our relationship into a tailspin, too, and I stated that the limbo was unbearable.

 

We took a week off from communicating while he went out of town to visit his kids and siblings. When he returned, our same connection and attraction was right there. He said the guilt and stress is eating him alive. Said he could not drag me into his hole of depression. Said I deserved a commitment. Said he needed to be alone to have space and time to hear his own voice, including whether to reconcile!!!!! I was totally shocked and devastated that he could consider that. Our friends are shocked. He said that everything about our relationship is perfect, but maybe he is not meant to be a divorced person? I told him that I need for him to be happy, no matter what that means. I told him I would not stand in the way if he needed to move back in, or date, or take a trip, or whatever to experience the dynamic again. Was that stupid? But omg. After that discussion I initiated NC and that was one week ago. It’s complicated, because we actually work in the same building, on the same floor (as of 18 months ago…I know!). We see each other and cannot even speak. He walked past my office and waved twice earlier this week and I was too shocked to even move. Have not seen him today.

 

What is happening? What do I do? I thought we were on our way… We deeply love each other and this is the man of my dreams and the love of my life. He says the same about me. Have any of you been here before?? What are the chances for a reconciliation after a year of separation and a serious other relationship?? Should I move forward, or wait? My only solace is that I know he needs to do this discernment once and for all after being on the fence for soooo long. I just don't want him to make a decision out of fear or guilt. Just feeling so panicked and despondent. Please help me.

[Hope Shimmers]

Your story is very similar to mine (several years has passed though) with the exception that he was separated and living on his own when we started dating.

 

A few years (yes YEARS) in, he went back to his wife. Reasons? I don't know... guilt, was what he told me at the time. I was destroyed.

 

I am also divorced and have my kids half time (2 are out of the house now so just one teenager left) but at that time (before he went back to his wife) I was able to spend every other week living with him. I was planning to move there and we had just signed a lease on an apartment. I was blindsided, shell-shocked.... and completely destroyed.

 

The next few years were a drama-filled mess, but I basically could not move on. He still wanted to keep me involved and "with" him even though he was back with her. I eventually was able to see him for what he is (a passive-aggressive, conflict-avoidant liar) and moved on.

 

The interesting thing is that he finally did divorce. It was final several months ago. And do you know what? I don't want anything to do with him. He still is trying to wedge himself into my life and I could not care less.

 

I do remember the pain, and I'm sorry you are going through this. You cannot hang onto him because you need him to be with you on his own timetable and by his own decision. Your only choice is to get out of his life COMPLETELY and give him space to make a decision. If you are in his life in any way, you will just be making it easier for him to continue fence-sitting.

 

He has seen the consequences of his actions in terms of moving out and considering a divorce. Now he needs to see the consequences of his actions (or lack of actions) where you are concerned. You need to move on, and I know that is so much easier said than done.

 

Truthfully, it almost never works when a man leaves a marriage only to land softly in another relationship. He needs to get his head straight, figure out what he wants, be on his own for awhile (if that's what he decides), or make an active decision to give his marriage another try.

[movingon123]

Wow, all I can say is that from what I read on these forums men do seem to have a much harder time than women leaving their marriages. Women are definitely stronger and more rational. I feel like women more often than men take stock of a dead marriage and will have the courage to at least force counseling or will divorce.

 

Men seem to be more likely to hang on and on despite the poor state of their marriage. I believe there are more instances of men willing to stay in an unhappy marriage and keep the status quo. For some reason these men often see it more ok to cheat than to leave. Sometimes this seems to be on moral grounds (!) and other times they just don't seem to be willing to leave what else they have with their spouse.

 

I'm sorry, the fact that you got so far along with your mm and then for him to do that is awful. I like your attitude and that you told him you wouldn't stand in the way of what he wanted to do. I would definitely get some counseling for guidance.

Edited August 27, 2015 by movingon123

[Sunshine33]

I am drinking in your words, Hope. Thank you. I cannot imagine the pain you endured. How devastating. I can understand, I think, how your heart would have eventually hardened toward him. I can only hope that you can love again. I think about that, actually. I have thought that if this does not work out, I may not be able to, or not until I am much much older and a have a very different perspective.

 

What were your person's reasons for going back? Just see if things "would be different"?

 

I know all you say is true about needing to give him the space. It is just so incredulous to me to be at this point after all that I have heard about their marriage through the years. I think he is really facing his demons now, particularly related to his family background. He is steeped in guilt. It is so maddening to me, because he has done all the hard work. His kids gave him a tough time, but have now assimilated it all and are moving on. The entire community has embraced this. Our lives are so intertwined. We have zero closure. He has done all the hard work except for at the soul level, I guess.

 

All you say is true about the soft landing. I want him to choose me on his terms and from a position of strength. Just so hard to pull back from such a love.

 

Again, thank you.

[Sunshine33]

Yes, MovingOn, it is a bizarre rationale that sometimes the "staying married" but cheating notion supercedes leaving the relationship good and proper, from a moral perspective. I am getting counseling (believe me). My therapist says there is this notion of metacognition that suggests that the world used to be governed by laws that basically told us right and wrong and made things very easy. Now, the world is more values-based, and we have to stop, go deep into our value systems and decide which values override others when things are confusing. So, with my guy, does he value the institution of marriage at all costs above all else, or healthy relationship? Once he sorts that out, he can proceed. I have not spelled all this out for him, btw. I played therapist to him over the last several months (and probably years) enough.

 

Thanks for your support. Wish I was not so madly in love with him, even after all these bumps and all this time.

[Hope Shimmers]

I am drinking in your words, Hope. Thank you. I cannot imagine the pain you endured. How devastating. I can understand, I think, how your heart would have eventually hardened toward him. I can only hope that you can love again. I think about that, actually. I have thought that if this does not work out, I may not be able to, or not until I am much much older and a have a very different perspective.

 

What were your person's reasons for going back? Just see if things "would be different"?

 

I know all you say is true about needing to give him the space. It is just so incredulous to me to be at this point after all that I have heard about their marriage through the years. I think he is really facing his demons now, particularly related to his family background. He is steeped in guilt. It is so maddening to me, because he has done all the hard work. His kids gave him a tough time, but have now assimilated it all and are moving on. The entire community has embraced this. Our lives are so intertwined. We have zero closure. He has done all the hard work except for at the soul level, I guess.

 

All you say is true about the soft landing. I want him to choose me on his terms and from a position of strength. Just so hard to pull back from such a love.

 

Again, thank you.

 

His reason for going back to her was out of "guilt" because she was very dependent on him for everything, and their adult kids basically were taking care of her. He told me "You are independent and strong; you can take care of yourself. You will be fine." Ahhh.... just another case of being punished for not being a weak helpless woman.

 

It's funny because now that he's divorced he seems sort of incredulous that I am no longer interested. Like I was supposed to sit around and wait until HE was ready? He had me once. He had my heart and he stomped on it. No way in hell am I going to hand my heart to a person like that a second time. The trust is completely gone.

 

As for loving again - believe me, you will. I didn't think so either. But you will. You have to go through a lot of frogs to find the prince, but when you meet him you will know. He won't deliberately hurt you. His self-respect and strength and loyalty and convictions and decisiveness will be something that does not even compare to a man who is married to someone else and is incapable of making a decision or doing the right thing.

 

In my case, if I would have married him it would have been the worst mistake of my life. It took me a lot of time to get to that point, but you know what? Sometimes, the greatest gifts are in the form of unanswered prayers.

 

Hang in there.

[movingon123]

Sometimes, the greatest gifts are in the form of unanswered prayers.

 

Great sentiment.

 

My ex-mm also was married for over 3 decades and it was a lot like you described although she did care on d-day. But he always told me that their marriage was dead, no sex in years, together just to pay bills, both of them avoided discussing their problems, never did anything together, etc. Then d-day and apparently she thought more of things than he did and was extremely angry and so without any kind words he just turned his back to me.

 

I have dissected everything with my therapist and he said I've come to a point where I can't conjecture anymore. There's so much I can only guess at and it just doesn't matter as it doesn't change anything. I also still have a lot of feelings for him and don't want to look back sadly or angrily on our time together because I really enjoyed it while it went on. It was just the ending that was bad but maybe like Hope Shimmers says it is for the best because now I have more insight into him.

 

It sounds like you should have lots of support since you were out in the open and others are about as shocked as you.

[anika99]

I second what hope said. One cannot leave a long term 30yr marriage and start playing house right away in a new relationship. That is not healthy. The MM needs to be on his own to grieve his marriage and adjust to a new life of being single. You should not be his soft landing. However you are in a no win situation because he is probably to weak to stand on his own and he will likely run back home no matter what you do.

[Sunshine33]

[However you are in a no win situation because he is probably to weak to stand on his own and he will likely run back home no matter what you do.

 

Help me understand this. The word from his (now our) friends is that she is totally cold and unwilling to entertain reconciliation. And even if they do, I know enough to know they will not be able to move the dial on their relationship. If he returns, it will be the same.

[anika99]

His wife doesn't want to reconcile? Good for her! She is a smart cookie. I guess since she won't take him back, you might get him by default. Is that good enough for you?

[Sunshine33]

His wife doesn't want to reconcile? Good for her! She is a smart cookie. I guess since she won't take him back, you might get him by default. Is that good enough for you?

 

I don't know. It's an essential question. I am operating on second-hand information which is never my preference. I am not trying to analyze or judge her, but historically she has not shown a great deal of backbone in terms of fighting for an actual relationship/marriage. She has enjoyed the lifestyle, etc. Seriously, not judging, because maybe he really was snowing her, too. One can never really know and obviously I am questioning all at this point. I guess time will tell but I do know her to be very passive, and if he frames it as "we are getting divorced or we are going to see if we can improve our relationship", I think she will opt to avoid divorce.

[Popsicle]

How horrible. I'm so sorry. I just can't see any reason to date a separated (let alone, married) man. They have unfinished business.

[Popsicle]

Help me understand this. The word from his (now our) friends is that she is totally cold and unwilling to entertain reconciliation. And even if they do, I know enough to know they will not be able to move the dial on their relationship. If he returns, it will be the same.

 

 

It's quite possible that that doesn't matter to him. Maybe he just doesn't want to be the bad guy. And maybe she just wants him to show some remorse first and then will take him back.

 

Just let him go and be sure to have NC.

Edited August 28, 2015 by Popsicle

[casey.lives]

He's a part time lover... of course it's pERfect!!!

[Lady2163]

I'm female and I wasn't married for 30 years, but I was given a lot of pressure to get back with my husband when we did separate. I knew when I went back nothing would change, but I was in it for the long haul and this was going to be my miserable life. He eventually left me and then I had no qualms divorcing him.

 

So, I can't begin to imagine the pressure he must be feeling. From family, from her, from seeing how much life is going to change. 30 years of building assets together only to start all over. So, I feel for the guy.

 

But, you need to take care of you. Try to start building a life without him in it. I know it will be tough.

[Popsicle]

I'm female and I wasn't married for 30 years, but I was given a lot of pressure to get back with my husband when we did separate. I knew when I went back nothing would change, but I was in it for the long haul and this was going to be my miserable life. He eventually left me and then I had no qualms divorcing him.

 

So, I can't begin to imagine the pressure he must be feeling. From family, from her, from seeing how much life is going to change. 30 years of building assets together only to start all over. So, I feel for the guy.

 

But, you need to take care of you. Try to start building a life without him in it. I know it will be tough.

 

Are you a fWW?

[S2B]

Any man that wants to divorce takes the solid steps to make sure that happens. He isn't doing that. He's unavailable.

 

You need to think of what's best for you - especially since he may never get divorced. Start dating available men. You deserve to meet a nice man who makes only you his top priority.

 

This guy is fence sitting. Even the way he described his 'trial separation' - he would have filed for divorce IF he wanted divorce. Don't wait one more second waiting around for him to decide who's best. That's just crappy he would do that to BOTH of you.

 

As far as family of origin, some men (and women) are so used to being treated sub par in a marriage that they can't move permanently into a marriage ( or relationship) where it's good. Kind of like a victim who only knows the role of victim... Or doesn't know how to choose differently to get a different outcome. If that's part of the equation you can't change that for him.

 

He may never be capable of giving himself a loving relationship - he may just be used to what he's had within the marriage.

 

I hope you'll date.

[Poppy47]

Wow, all I can say is that from what I read on these forums men do seem to have a much harder time than women leaving their marriages. Women are definitely stronger and more rational. I feel like women more often than men take stock of a dead marriage and will have the courage to at least force counseling or will divorce.

 

Men seem to be more likely to hang on and on despite the poor state of their marriage. I believe there are more instances of men willing to stay in an unhappy marriage and keep the status quo. For some reason these men often see it more ok to cheat than to leave. Sometimes this seems to be on moral grounds (!) and other times they just don't seem to be willing to leave what else they have with their spouse.

 

I'm sorry, the fact that you got so far along with your mm and then for him to do that is awful. I like your attitude and that you told him you wouldn't stand in the way of what he wanted to do. I would definitely get some counseling for guidance.[/quote

 

I agree. I have known so many strong women who made that decision and never looked back, including myself.

 

Poppy.

[Sunburst]

I'm so sorry something so terrible happened to you. My xMM went back and forth twice, we never moved in together, nearly did, I was so happy and believed I've found someone incredibly special. But. So many people have tried comforting me saying thank god you haven't lived together, so it could be worse. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to get through that and function. I agree with everyone saying you must vanish from his life completely, he has too much unfinished business and it will leave you lifeless.

I believe 100% he will get back to his comfort zone and will want to keep you in his life and play both sides. Don't let him unless he's divorced and even then he's not worth all the pain. He has no clue what he's doing after all this time. Your life is not a game. Mine got me for the third time, I crumbled and gave in only to be tossed aside again. Here I am torn apart, lost and hurting. I wish you could avoid the chaos, grieve and set your head straight to avoid further pain. I admire all the strong women here, who got through and can show the right direction.

[Southern Sun]

OP - is your MM Catholic?

 

I'm not intending to be insulting. I'm just seeing the guilt thing written all over the place here. Not that others can't be impacted by that.

 

Some of your story reminds me of my xMM, though we got nowhere close to where you got. But you mention that your MM's father left when he was young, that his mother was bitter, that he and his sisters suffered. As of our last communication, my xMM was pursuing a divorce (going through therapy as a perfunctory step just so he could feel good about doing it, according to him). Now, we shall see if he really does it. Actually, I don't know if I will ever even find out if he divorces, because I have no intention of being in contact with him anyway. But my xMM is MISERABLE in his marriage. Yet he still has trouble pulling the trigger on the divorce, and the main issue is guilt and his childhood wounds.

 

He has told me in the past that he just can't be like his dad. He just won't be that person who walked out on his family...even though his kids are now out of the of the house. He doesn't want to be 'that guy.' His dad also brought his OW into his household and he doesn't want to do that to his or anyone else's family. So that is another way he doesn't want to be like his dad. The irony is, he is JUST LIKE HIS DAD. He just wants to maintain the image that he is not. For my xMM (not saying this is yours), it's not really about wanting to be this honest person - it is wanting to LOOK like one.

 

My xMM is a jerk, so I don't mean to rub off on you or project. But maybe there is a big element of guilt and FOO here that he is struggling with that is very difficult to comprehend.

 

The problem is - that is not something you can fix. I am so very sorry for your pain. HE might be able to fix it. But you cannot hurt yourself while waiting for him to do so.

 

I will say this - if he is a good guy at all, he will very much regret what he is doing to the people he loves, on every side.

[Sunshine33]

[Southern Sun QUOTE]OP - is your MM Catholic?

 

I'm not intending to be insulting. I'm just seeing the guilt thing written all over the place here. Not that others can't be impacted by that.

 

Sorry I am still figuring out the reply with quotes thing. Southern Sun, he is not Catholic but we go to the same church (and so does W- she has been going to the early service all year and us to the later). I think this is all about his dad, honestly. I think he spent years resenting his Dad, and his mother probably programmed him early on saying "don't you do this", and now here he is. Both his parents are deceased and his sisters have been very supportive. They did not realize the degree of his depression until I called them in on this once we were taking space. I needed to know that his family - all out of town - was aware of how depressed he was and that they would watch out for him. Since then a couple of them have come to visit. I think he is getting the family support he needs, such that they would grant him "permission" to chart his own course, separate from what his dad did to the family unit.

 

He is staring down all his demons right now. Someone else said this is about not being the bad guy. I think there is so much truth to that, too. I wonder if he is "giving it one more shot" (though I do not even know if that is where they are - I know nothing right now) to try to make her be the one to move to divorce. He always said that through the years. Always wanted her to have the affair or her to make the move so he wasn't the bad guy. I know he sounds wimpy, but he really is a good person (just confused/conflicted). Jump all over me for sticking up for him- I deserve it and God knows I've enabled some of that.

 

The support from you all is incredible. I have been reading these posts on the fly and have not been able to sit and respond. You are right about maintaining NC and I know that is what I have to do. Bear in mind that I turn right out of my office and face his, and he turns left out of his and faces mine. Bear in mind that we go to the same church and are on the same cycling team. This is freaking hell.

 

Your stories are very empowering and I know that even if he creeps back right now, I have to insist that he be fully divorced if we reengage. I need to heal and am trying my damnedest right now to do so, and he needs to get his head straight and "unpack his bags". He gave up a very nice life to take a chance on me. I imagine he is weighing all of what he has left behind. I have three school-aged kids. There is an age difference between us, which is super hot in bed now, but how does that play out as the years go on?

 

Just a lot to consider. I do know that we love each other truly. His wife does not even know or understand him. Over the past year, what he has told people is that she loved being married, but did not necessarily love him. They were not partners. We were partners, but I have been that third leg of the stool for too long that probably kept their marriage from crumbling.

[Ms. Faust]

I am assuming his kids are grown and out of the house, or close to it? I do think that children play a part, even though it may not be voiced, expressed, or looked over. It's one thing to be awesome to the kids when they are only seen rarely... but when one makes a full on commitment and are looking at being financially responsible, raising, and being involved with another set of children... I think it is enough to make some people reconsider, even if their intentions were initially good.

[Hope Shimmers]

I know he sounds wimpy, but he really is a good person (just confused/conflicted). Jump all over me for sticking up for him- I deserve it and God knows I've enabled some of that.

 

No one's going to jump all over you. Many of us have been there.

 

He isn't a terrible person - he's just in a tough place and is being conflict-avoidant. There is only one thing that you can know for sure right now, which is that no matter what happens or what he decides to do now in the short-term, nothing is going to happen quickly. In other words, if he goes back to his wife, it will take him awhile to figure out if his marriage is going to work long-term. In my case, he ended up divorcing but not until years later.

 

And if he doesn't go back to her, he's going to need time to stand on his own feet, get through his divorce, and figure out what it means not to be married anymore. A long process.

 

So either way, you are in the same position - of either waiting for him in the wings to see what will happen and supporting him as much as you can - or leaving him to wade through this on his own and figure out what he wants. I really urge you to choose the latter, because I don't think there is much hope of a healthy relationship for you with him long-term if you don't let him navigate this on his own. And I know how hard it must be when your lives are so completely intertwined.

[Sunshine33]

So either way, you are in the same position - of either waiting for him in the wings to see what will happen and supporting him as much as you can - or leaving him to wade through this on his own and figure out what he wants. I really urge you to choose the latter, because I don't think there is much hope of a healthy relationship for you with him long-term if you don't let him navigate this on his own. And I know how hard it must be when your lives are so completely intertwined.

 

I still can't get the hang of this quotes thing...and cannot find adequate instruction in on the site- sorry to be incompetent but any advice is appreciated!

 

THANK YOU, Hope Shimmers. All you say is true, and the need for the passage of time is the only known entity in a sea of unknowns. I cannot/will not wait in the wings. This has cut me too deeply this time to be able to do that, and doing so would not facilitate his process but rather stall or stunt it. So, win/win scenario is that he takes time to figure out his path, and in the meantime I build out my life. If we do come back together down the line it is from a position of strength. He is an extraordinary person. I just hope he will permit himself to be happy. Someone said often broken people choose the comfort of a broken relationship and I think that has been true for him to date. There is comfort in a distant, disapproving female relationship despite how toxic that is for him.

 

I did negotiate a new role at the office (with a big raise!) so I will be changing floors next week. Thank God. There are still elevators/the lobby/etc., but having him forty feet away all day long makes me insane. It is incredibly difficult to have our lives so connected. I just have to assume he is enduring as much pain as I am in that regard.

[Sunshine33]

I am assuming his kids are grown and out of the house, or close to it? I do think that children play a part, even though it may not be voiced, expressed, or looked over. It's one thing to be awesome to the kids when they are only seen rarely... but when one makes a full on commitment and are looking at being financially responsible, raising, and being involved with another set of children... I think it is enough to make some people reconsider, even if their intentions were initially good.

 

Yes, he has three kids that are out of the house. He always wanted to wait until they were out of the house. His father had left the family unit when he was very young. His mother raised him and his sisters to be incredibly accomplished, but not without a lot of bitterness about being a single mother. This was in a different era.

 

He would not be financially responsible for my kids, and he knows that. Still, it is one thing to have our time together, which is heavenly when just us, and another to consider becoming a family unit. My xH is a wonderful father and co-parent. I imagine all that reality is part of what MM is weighing. Sigh.