Heartbroken- Separated BF Considering Reconciling

[Sunshine33]

Mine got me for the third time, I crumbled and gave in only to be tossed aside again. Here I am torn apart, lost and hurting. I wish you could avoid the chaos, grieve and set your head straight to avoid further pain. I admire all the strong women here, who got through and can show the right direction.

 

Big hug, Sunburst. I truly understand. Shame on him for squandering your love and abusing your good heart. Karma will find a way to you both.

[usernametaken]

Oh, Sunshine, I have been there, I have been there, I have been there.

 

Our stories are rather similar. I can hardly stand to rehash mine because it was so much pain over, and over, and over again for so many people.

 

I have been in the position of having spent several months with my then-MM moved out of the house, separated, and ostensibly headed for divorce, only to have him move back home again. It was awful (and that's only part of the story - there was just so much back and forth and drama and, Jesus, blech...).

 

I think for him, moving back home came down to a sense of guilt/duty/unfinished business, though I know he really WANTED to be happy in his marriage. After he moved back, we were NC for a while, and I resumed dating. But nothing had gotten better in his marriage - it was still the same except with an extra layer of resentment and distrust because of his actions. He gave himself a set amount of time to work on his marriage and to work on himself. I think he needed to be able to feel he had done everything he could, especially for the sake of his daughter.

 

Eventually, he moved out again, as I knew he would. This time he divorced in short order.

 

I refused to see him until he had filed for divorce - it was a pretty hard sell to get me to see him at all, after everything that had happened. Almost a year later, I think he's finally adjusted to being divorced. His relationship with his daughter has normalized. Our relationship is good, though I do still always worry that the other shoe is going to drop. And, although I love him to bits, I still wonder when we argue: was it worth it? All of this pain? Getting together after something like this makes every interaction loaded with extra gravity - so much hurt for so many went into getting here, so it's just huge emotional investment if it doesn't work out

 

In your case, I think it's important to remain in NC. He may go back, but it's unlikely that his marriage will survive all this. If it doesn't, it's up to you whether you want to reengage with him. (you know he's never going to totally go away... they never do.) I would at minimum wait until he's divorced or divorcing to see him again, if that happens - and if I were to take my own good advice, I would actually wait a year beyond that because ugh, what a messy time.

 

Affairs suck, and people shouldn't have them. Yep.

[Sunshine33]

So either way, you are in the same position - of either waiting for him in the wings to see what will happen and supporting him as much as you can - or leaving him to wade through this on his own and figure out what he wants. I really urge you to choose the latter, because I don't think there is much hope of a healthy relationship for you with him long-term if you don't let him navigate this on his own. And I know how hard it must be when your lives are so completely intertwined.

 

Hope Shimmers, it is almost eerie how much your words echo his from several of our latter conversations. He used words like "navigate", "find my way", "my path", "do this on my terms", "get over this hump" sort of stuff. He knows I went through my divorce largely without him right there. At many points this year he has remarked that he doesn't know how I did it. But lately he has said he gets how some of this process needs to be solitary. I had been standing by, propping up, etc. because I believe in standing by your person through thick and thin, and because, if I'm honest with myself, I wanted us to work out. But I do truly believe deep down that this is his moment and he has to walk his walk, wherever that leads him. And you (and all of you) are right that it isn't healthy for him to end a 30 year marriage only to crash-land into a new relationship. I would likely always have guessed the authenticity of that. He has put words to that notion, too, lately, saying that us trying to start out while he was still married did not allow us to blossom as we should have, and left us with these unresolved issues.

 

 

I heard his voice in the hall today and flew to the printer just to catch a glimpse of his back. This is not easy. One more week until I change offices.

[Sunshine33]

 

Our stories are rather similar. I can hardly stand to rehash mine because it was so much pain over, and over, and over again for so many people.

 

I think for him, moving back home came down to a sense of guilt/duty/unfinished business, though I know he really WANTED to be happy in his marriage. I think he needed to be able to feel he had done everything he could.

 

Eventually, he moved out again, as I knew he would. This time he divorced in short order.

 

I refused to see him until he had filed for divorce - it was a pretty hard sell to get me to see him at all, after everything that had happened. Almost a year later, I think he's finally adjusted to being divorced. His relationship with his daughter has normalized. Our relationship is good, though I do still always worry that the other shoe is going to drop. And, although I love him to bits, I still wonder when we argue: was it worth it? All of this pain? Getting together after something like this makes every interaction loaded with extra gravity - so much hurt for so many went into getting here, so it's just huge emotional investment if it doesn't work out

 

In your case, I think it's important to remain in NC. He may go back, but it's unlikely that his marriage will survive all this. If it doesn't, it's up to you whether you want to reengage with him. (you know he's never going to totally go away... they never do.) I would at minimum wait until he's divorced or divorcing to see him again, if that happens - and if I were to take my own good advice, I would actually wait a year beyond that because ugh, what a messy time.

 

 

 

UserNameTaken (what username did you want??), I am sure it was painful to share, but THANK YOU for sharing. Before reading this I was wondering if there were any people out there who did end up with their AP/MM. I would be lying if I did not say my heart leapt at reading your story. It does sound painful. Are you divorced too?

 

 

I think it is unlikely his marriage will survive, too. Like your guy, I think "mine" needs to have a sense that he gave it one last try. He was so panicked that I had started dating last year that he took all the action within one month that he'd been contemplating taking for a decade. I think it all caught up to him recently, like whiplash. I also think he wants her to end it, or to play a role in the final stage- sort of show up, which she just has not done. But who knows, maybe they will be one of those couples who finally discover each other after all this time???

 

 

Your tale has cautionary aspects, too, which I deeply appreciate. That word "gravity" is haunting me. I totally get that. Since you offered such great gifts for me, here is one for you that I heard from a wise old colleague recently. He told me that he believes he and his wife have had about six marriages. THey have been married to each other the whole time, mind you, but their relationship has changed so dramatically through their 55 years of marriage that it has been like six totally different marriages. Perhaps it will be like that with your guy, too. Perhaps the worst is behind you, and now that he can lay his past to rest, you will shed the blech and move on in newness of life to the chapter you were meant to live into together. I wish that for you.

[Grapesofwrath]

Yes, MovingOn, it is a bizarre rationale that sometimes the "staying married" but cheating notion supercedes leaving the relationship good and proper, from a moral perspective. I am getting counseling (believe me). My therapist says there is this notion of metacognition that suggests that the world used to be governed by laws that basically told us right and wrong and made things very easy. Now, the world is more values-based, and we have to stop, go deep into our value systems and decide which values override others when things are confusing. So, with my guy, does he value the institution of marriage at all costs above all else, or healthy relationship?

 

They also have to include the other things that are valued, like property, assets, image, extended family, and social standing. I think many people are unwilling to do what it would take to pursue "love" because it would mean risking these other things that are valued just as highly.

 

At the end of our A, my xMM told me that he viewed me as his "mate" (yes, he used that word) and that our 9-month A was "the shortest marriage ever." Just words, and his actions told another story. But powerful words, and his actions showed where those things rank in his system of values.

[Ms. Faust]

...but their relationship has changed so dramatically through their 55 years of marriage....

 

I assume you mean 30 years of marriage, as you said earlier, and the MM is apx 55 years old? If that is his age I can understand all the more why he would suddenly be nervous.

[Sunshine33]

They also have to include the other things that are valued, like property, assets, image, extended family, and social standing. QUOTE]

 

 

Grapes, you're right, those things are the trappings of married life beyond the actual husband-wife relationship. Plenty of people will make do with the H-W dynamic if it doesn't rock the boat elsewhere. My guy had forsaken all those things, to my amazement. It bothered him giving up what he had taken so long to build, I know it did. But he also said "I decided that my love for you was above material things". Now I'm not sure what's causing him to pause - maybe all those things are factoring in again. And I have to admit that it caused me a lot of stress wondering if I could forever be worth the sacrifices.

 

 

I'm sorry your MM left your love on the line. I agree with you that some people do not rank love above all else. I think I do, maybe you do too. I think it has a transformative aspect on all the other areas of a life, but you can't convince someone else of that who has different values.

[Sunshine33]

I assume you mean 30 years of marriage, as you said earlier, and the MM is apx 55 years old? If that is his age I can understand all the more why he would suddenly be nervous.

 

Oops, in that thread I was referring to advice I received from a much older colleague/gentleman who had been married 55 years.

 

 

But you are in the ballpark with my MM's age.

[Sunshine33]

I assume you mean 30 years of marriage, as you said earlier, and the MM is apx 55 years old? If that is his age I can understand all the more why he would suddenly be nervous.

 

Ms. Faust can you tell me what you mean regarding why he would be nervous? There is an age difference between us, so sometimes I do not intuitively understand his life perspective.

[velvette]

I'm going to give you the view from the other side.

 

 

First, you seem to think you know everything about their M even though its apparently second or third hand.

 

 

The fact that his wife hasn't filed for D but doesn't do anything to get her H to come home, should tell you something. To me it says, she either still loves him or wants to stay married to him, but believes the problems in their M are primarily his issues and shes not doing anything until she sees him fixing those issues.

 

 

You of course wouldn't know that, because he's not going to tell you or his family or friends that he was a crappy H. And, since you haven't had him as a H you wouldn't know the difference anyway.

 

 

She's not fighting him from what you say, so he has a free, easy, clear path to D and yet he doesn't take it. That should tell you he doesn't want to be D. Quite different than wanting to be married, especially if he knows that what he has to do to stay M is going to take work on his part.

 

 

But, still that's the key fact for you. He doesn't want to D.

 

 

If he did he would.

 

 

Right now you are just a back up plan in case he cant make his M work.

 

 

If you want to find out who he really cares about give him an ultimatum and go NC.

 

 

His W has probably already told him she's not interested until he gets his crap together. You just don't know it and it seems shes not doing anything because she has no need immediately to D him.

 

 

She's waiting for you R to crash and burn or him to get his act together or for her to have her own reason to D. Whichever comes first.

[Sunshine33]

I'm going to give you the view from the other side.

 

 

If you want to find out who he really cares about give him an ultimatum and go NC.

 

 

His W has probably already told him she's not interested until he gets his crap together. You just don't know it and it seems shes not doing anything because she has no need immediately to D him.

 

 

She's waiting for you R to crash and burn or him to get his act together or for her to have her own reason to D. Whichever comes first.

 

 

I really don't appreciate your tone, but I appreciate your perspective.

 

 

#1- what is your view "from the other side"?

 

 

#2- I am not an ultimatum person, so not an option. I want him to choose me of his own free will. He has actually begged me to give him an ultimatum in the past. I am NC, so that part I am doing.

 

 

#3- I don't know if our R has crashed and burned or not- nothing internally combusted with us, but obviously something was upsetting him. You are right that he does not want to divorce. I do not know if he (OR SHE) wants to work on the Marriage. Aren't certain relationships irreconcilable? Going through the motions is not the same thing as being in a healthy marriage. I believe you are right that she likely thinks it was all him. Part of a pledge I have made to myself is NOT to try to get into her head, or dwell too much in their relationship. That is flat-out crazy-making for me. All I can do is let go with love and hope that he finds the path to happiness (not guilt, not fear, not imprisonment, but happiness) wherever that leads.

[S2B]

Since he isn't likely to make any decision (and that's a decision in itself) it really is only up to you to make a decision.

 

Make a decision that is in your best interest. He's likely staying married. You either choose to co tinue being his OW or you choose to end it so you can date a man who loves you fully and is available.

 

Those are the only two choices he's presenting.

 

He may never get divorced. You need to realize that.

 

No one else will take care of what's best for you - that only up to you to do that for yourself.

[velvette]

I really don't appreciate your tone, but I appreciate your perspective.

 

 

#1- what is your view "from the other side"?

 

 

#2- I am not an ultimatum person, so not an option. I want him to choose me of his own free will. He has actually begged me to give him an ultimatum in the past. I am NC, so that part I am doing.

 

 

#3- I don't know if our R has crashed and burned or not- nothing internally combusted with us, but obviously something was upsetting him. You are right that he does not want to divorce. I do not know if he (OR SHE) wants to work on the Marriage. Aren't certain relationships irreconcilable? Going through the motions is not the same thing as being in a healthy marriage. I believe you are right that she likely thinks it was all him. Part of a pledge I have made to myself is NOT to try to get into her head, or dwell too much in their relationship. That is flat-out crazy-making for me. All I can do is let go with love and hope that he finds the path to happiness (not guilt, not fear, not imprisonment, but happiness) wherever that leads.

 

 

Not sure what tone you are hearing. Just giving you an alternative view from the one you presented and the others you've heard from.

 

 

As for the other side view, I gave you that. She's not doing anything because she' waiting for him to do something OR she's already told him what he needs to do if he wants to stay married to her and he hasn't met that bar yet.

 

 

Call it an ultimatum or not, requiring someone to decide means that they will decide of their own free will. Think of it as setting your own standards.

 

 

More often than not imo, men end up with women who set the highest standards for them.

 

 

Sure some R are irreconcilable, but usually one or both parties realize that. If he realized that, since she's not standing in his way, he would get a D. Whats stopping him.

 

 

No one said anything about going through the motions. I assume that he/she were once in love. In that case, if they both want to they can find that again. And really, why wouldn't he want that if he thought it were possible. Most people would want that along with the family and all the other trappings. So, its not really about going through the motions.

 

 

Besides, if all she wanted were to go through the motions, she wouldn't be doing nothing. She would be fighting for him any way she could to get him back home.

 

 

You say you're not trying to get in her head, but it sure sounded like you think you have a clear view of what their M is/was like. All I'm saying is you could be way wrong if you're basing it on what he has told you and/or his friends/family. Whether he has intentionally mislead you or not, I don't know. But, for sure something doesn't add up or you wouldn't be this confused.

 

 

The smartest thing you could do is go NC and tell him to let you know when he's D.

[amomwhoknows]

There are lots of possibilities here, most of which have been touched on. The reality is, that overwhelmingly, people who have affairs don't end up together at all or for any significant length of time when marriage(s) end.

 

How much younger are you than he is?

 

One thing that I haven't seen mentioned is that a kid (or more) has told him that if he ends up with you, they won't have a relationship with him. I sense his kids are not in the home anymore, but probably young adults at the oldest. I do a lot of reading on a men's divorce forum and they often talk about how negatively a father's relationship with his teen and older children (esp girls) is impacted by an affair. Children are usually most loyal to their mother. So, because he likely can't imagine being alone (and this should be a big red flag to you), he is choosing to try and fix his marriage to keep his family intact. I can almost guarantee you that his kids aren't happy for him (being with you) and as time has passed, they have let him know.

 

I am about this guy's age, and even without affairs involved, fathers often are on the losing end of relationships with their teen and older children when divorces occur. These kids are busy and there is only so much time, etc and their loyalty lies with their mother. Because he has been an effective liar for the last 5 or so years, you need to be skeptical of words he tells you. You seem to be all "in" with him without being weary of trusting someone who could lie to his family for all those years. You can't even trust him to be honest about what the tone and tenor of the financial talk with his wife was. You just can't. I smiled when you said he told her about the affair. Why would you believe that? It is a common ploy of people in an affair to lie to their APs to keep them going along.

 

He sounds very conflict avoidant, so I imagine he can't stand the thought of making her angrier, fighting over assets, disappointing his kids, etc.

 

Fifty-five isn't young and he will likely never financially recover from the divorce, if he feels the settlement is damaging him. I suspect that he is wondering if all this is worth it, esp if his financial future and his strained relationship with his kids. Gently, I don't know how old your kids are in comparison to his, but it is also possible that he doesn't really want to actively parent anymore. (regardless of the words he has told you).

 

Everything became more real for him with settlement talks (betting he didn't like what he heard) and his kids visiit. If he comes back, and you still want him, you need to insist that he get his own place, live independently for a while, get his head on straight, and remain no contact until he finishes his divorce, and then.... You wrote that you wondered if he hadn't dealt with the emotions of the divorce because he moved straight in with you. Of course, he hadn't.

Edited August 29, 2015 by amomwhoknows

[sandylee1]

I agree with a lot of what amomwhoknows said. I recently met a female divorcee (through infidelity), who spoke of the damaged relationship their adult children now have with their father, following his affair.

 

Even though he's no longer with the OW, he carries guilt and shame, something his mother told the ex wife. His kids speak to him once or twice a year and have no respect for him at all. These aren't things he would tell other people, because he's so ashamed he has isolated himself from them all.

[Ms. Faust]

Ms. Faust can you tell me what you mean regarding why he would be nervous? There is an age difference between us, so sometimes I do not intuitively understand his life perspective.

 

Sunshine, amomwhoknows articulated everything that I was thinking in your MM's situation. I also read at a Mens Divorce Forum (probably the same one, lol) and getting rid of the affair partner is highly encouraged, in fact little respect is given to men who are upfront about having a woman on the side. It complicates things in terms of divorce and a relationship with the ex, but that is beside the point.

 

This is really key:

 

You wrote that you wondered if he hadn't dealt with the emotions of the divorce because he moved straight in with you. Of course, he hadn't.

 

I understand that you and the MM have a spectacular relationship, and the sex is ah-maz-ing, and you had mutual friends and what not. But what he had with his wife was 30 years. THIRTY YEARS. He lived a lifetime with her. He grew up with her. They experienced children, deaths, job losses and gains together. And although they may not like each other now they still have that history together, which is extremely significant.

 

He/we/you can undermine the relationship with the wife, especially their marriage in recent years, but for most people, 30 years is not something one can easily toss aside.

 

Also, I didn't want to continually peg on the topic, but I totally agree with amomwhoknows in regards to the children. I am sure his intentions with your kids are honorable, but once he divorces and you all are together for good this is a package deal, you AND the kids. Maybe it's just me, but when I am 55 years old, the only kids I want to be dealing with are my grandchildren, if even that! Even high schoolers would be too much of a commitment to me.

 

He is at a different time in his life. He's knocking on retirement, he's done raising kids. And while I do truly believe it is completely possible that he is open to your children, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if that is something in the back of his head.

 

Speaking if you are a U.S. citizen: Money is also not something to be taken lightly. Often, OW said that their MM is loaded, has plenty of assets, that money is not the issue. That could totally be the case. But it's still a division of assets, usually 50%, and it does take a toll on someone. Some men divorcing take the "worth it!" approach and happily divide things up... whereas for others it gives one pause. I could understand someone hesitating when they may be looking at 30 years of assets divided down the middle, house sold, and possible lifetime alimony (lifetime alimony depends on the state and is becoming rare, but if she has been not employed or under employed for their relationship then... at her age... it very well may be in her favor).

 

I'm not even going into his kids meeting you... which, btw, have you met them? Generally, divorce sucks for the children no matter what time of their lives it occurs. I imagine if the BW is going around being "martyr-ish" (as you said in your first post) then they are going to want to protect their mom.

 

And then of course there is the emotional factor that you speak of, especially considering his FOO. Yeah, it could definitely play a heavy part... but I think in your case you are giving it too much weight.

 

I hope it works out for you. It's very possible he can come back after working himself out. Either which way, it's not going to be all rainbows and sunshine as your initial time together was... you both have a lot of emotions and baggage to carry through.

[Mount]

You and "amomwhoknows"'s lengthy posts are having point, but "Sunshine33" will not and should not give her MM up either. Your post seems to encourage "Sunshine33" to bow out because MM or divorce men will or should get rid of OWs. You really think "Sunshine 33" and her MM will end? Come on.

 

 

Sunshine, amomwhoknows articulated everything that I was thinking in your MM's situation. I also read at a Mens Divorce Forum (probably the same one, lol) and getting rid of the affair partner is highly encouraged, in fact little respect is given to men who are upfront about having a woman on the side. It complicates things in terms of divorce and a relationship with the ex, but that is beside the point.

 

This is really key:

 

 

I understand that you and the MM have a spectacular relationship, and the sex is ah-maz-ing, and you had mutual friends and what not. But what he had with his wife was 30 years. THIRTY YEARS. He lived a lifetime with her. He grew up with her. They experienced children, deaths, job losses and gains together. And although they may not like each other now they still have that history together, which is extremely significant.

 

He/we/you can undermine the relationship with the wife, especially their marriage in recent years, but for most people, 30 years is not something one can easily toss aside.

 

Also, I didn't want to continually peg on the topic, but I totally agree with amomwhoknows in regards to the children. I am sure his intentions with your kids are honorable, but once he divorces and you all are together for good this is a package deal, you AND the kids. Maybe it's just me, but when I am 55 years old, the only kids I want to be dealing with are my grandchildren, if even that! Even high schoolers would be too much of a commitment to me.

 

He is at a different time in his life. He's knocking on retirement, he's done raising kids. And while I do truly believe it is completely possible that he is open to your children, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if that is something in the back of his head.

 

Speaking if you are a U.S. citizen: Money is also not something to be taken lightly. Often, OW said that their MM is loaded, has plenty of assets, that money is not the issue. That could totally be the case. But it's still a division of assets, usually 50%, and it does take a toll on someone. Some men divorcing take the "worth it!" approach and happily divide things up... whereas for others it gives one pause. I could understand someone hesitating when they may be looking at 30 years of assets divided down the middle, house sold, and possible lifetime alimony (lifetime alimony depends on the state and is becoming rare, but if she has been not employed or under employed for their relationship then... at her age... it very well may be in her favor).

 

I'm not even going into his kids meeting you... which, btw, have you met them? Generally, divorce sucks for the children no matter what time of their lives it occurs. I imagine if the BW is going around being "martyr-ish" (as you said in your first post) then they are going to want to protect their mom.

 

And then of course there is the emotional factor that you speak of, especially considering his FOO. Yeah, it could definitely play a heavy part... but I think in your case you are giving it too much weight.

 

I hope it works out for you. It's very possible he can come back after working himself out. Either which way, it's not going to be all rainbows and sunshine as your initial time together was... you both have a lot of emotions and baggage to carry through.

[Ms. Faust]

Uhhh, no, if I wanted to say leave now I would have done as this forum always does and talked about what a selfish narcissist he is and to save herself immediately (which I don't believe that is the case).

 

I was offering perspective from what I imagine could possibly be his viewpoint, nothing more, nothing less.

 

Also, I don't know if her and her MM will end. I do think they may have some emotional baggage to deal with if they stay together... Especially if he feels as strongly about divorce as she has expressed.

Edited August 29, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[amomwhoknows]

You and "amomwhoknows"'s lengthy posts are having point, but "Sunshine33" will not and should not give her MM up either. Your post seems to encourage "Sunshine33" to bow out because MM or divorce men will or should get rid of OWs. You really think "Sunshine 33" and her MM will end? Come on.

 

How many years should she wait for him? He clearly isn't emotionally ready to move on, she gave up both a marriage (possibly) and another relationship for him. How much longer should she put her life on hold for him?

[Mount]

As I've said, your all points are reasonable but reality is reality, not preaching. If people in the world can listen to preaching and then absorb, there will no drug, crime...etc etc.

 

Just like people in this forum claim NC all the time, then basically NC is non-existing anyway as they all get back in touch in different kinds of way.

 

Basically rather giving "sunshine33" some constructive and practical suggestion, since preaching is not or never gonna work anyway.

 

How many years should she wait for him? He clearly isn't emotionally ready to move on, she gave up both a marriage (possibly) and another relationship for him. How much longer should she put her life on hold for him?

[Ms. Faust]

As I've said, your all points are reasonable but reality is reality, not preaching. If people in the world can listen to preaching and then absorb, there will no drug, crime...etc etc.

 

Just like people in this forum claim NC all the time, then basically NC is non-existing anyway as they all get back in touch in different kinds of way.

 

Basically rather giving "sunshine33" some constructive and practical suggestion, since preaching is not or never gonna work anyway.

 

Well, since she broke up her marriage for him, broke up other relationships for him, has been in an affair for 5 years AND he said he doesn't want to get a divorce and is now entertaining the idea of reconciling with his wife "constructive and practical" advice would be to leave the guy until he gets his crap together.

 

I was not intending to.preach, but I know it often comes off that way when people read/hear what goes against what they think.

Edited August 29, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[Mount]

Understand...what I try to say is most of people come to this particular forum is to "talk", get sth out of their chests, despite claiming wanting to hear others' input, in face as we all see, all the input - (almost) none taken by the posters who were coming here to "talk" about their problems.

 

 

Well, since she broke up her marriage for him, broke up other relationships for him, has been in an affair for 5 years AND he said he doesn't want to get a divorce and is now entertaining the idea of reconciling with his wife "constructive and practical" advice would be to leave the guy until he gets his crap together.

 

I was not intending to.preach, but I know it often comes off that way when people read/hear what goes against what they think.

Edited August 29, 2015 by Mount

[Sunshine33]

Understand...what I try to say is most of people come to this particular forum is to "talk", get sth out of their chests, despite claiming wanting to hear others' input, in face as we all see, all the input - (almost) none taken by the posters who were coming here to "talk" about their problems.

 

I very much want your input. I am confused to the core, and as you must well know, this is a very isolating experience and most of the people in my life/support system are way out of their league with this stuff. Finding all of you who have weathered these crazy issues has been a Godsend.

 

And I am very thankful for anyone to tell me like they see it.

 

I am so thankful for you all.

[Mount]

My suggestion is that, let things flow, you will choose what to do to suit you the best.

 

Because, as I said, despite the input here people are saying, cut him off from your life, but really, you do not have the capability, or harden your heart/emotion to do so anyway.

 

So let things flow.

 

 

I very much want your input. I am confused to the core, and as you must well know, this is a very isolating experience and most of the people in my life/support system are way out of their league with this stuff. Finding all of you who have weathered these crazy issues has been a Godsend.

 

And I am very thankful for anyone to tell me like they see it.

 

I am so thankful for you all.

Edited August 29, 2015 by Mount

[amomwhoknows]

My suggestion is that, let things flow, you will choose what to do to suit you the best.

 

Because, as I said, despite the input here people are saying, cut him off from your life, but really, you do not have the capability, or harden your heart/emotion to do so anyway.

 

So let things flow.

 

She has managed to end two other relationships in the last 5 years. I would hope that this isn't true.

 

Let him get his sh*t together and if that happens come back to her.

 

Gently, I think there is the possibility that he doesn't want this relationship now. He left his wife a year ago (or more) and only recently decided to reconcile or not. For whatever reason, he may be wanting to move on (using potential reconciliation as an excuse). my only concern is for Sunshine and finding peace and happiness.