Heartbroken- Separated BF Considering Reconciling

[Mount]

For sure.....

 

 

She has managed to end two other relationships in the last 5 years. I would hope that this isn't true.

 

Let him get his sh*t together and if that happens come back to her.

 

Gently, I think there is the possibility that he doesn't want this relationship now. He left his wife a year ago (or more) and only recently decided to reconcile or not. For whatever reason, he may be wanting to move on (using potential reconciliation as an excuse). my only concern is for Sunshine and finding peace and happiness.

[Hope Shimmers]

Of course I could be wrong, as I said I believe "Sunset33" will choose to do what she wants to do, despite any kind of input here, preaching or non-preaching style.

 

But based on what? I don't think you're being fair. Sorry, but I don't.

[Mount]

That's fine - whatever you say. Just let it go (don't be obsessive and dwell on things, or target on my replies), let THIS post back to "Sunshine33"...

 

 

But based on what? I don't think you're being fair. Sorry, but I don't.

Edited August 29, 2015 by Mount

[Hope Shimmers]

I very much want your input. I am confused to the core, and as you must well know, this is a very isolating experience and most of the people in my life/support system are way out of their league with this stuff. Finding all of you who have weathered these crazy issues has been a Godsend.

 

And I am very thankful for anyone to tell me like they see it.

 

I am so thankful for you all.

 

Sunshine - I believe you are here because you want input and you are listening to it. It's easy to be on this end of things and "tell" other people what you should do; it's much harder to actually implement it.

 

I'm glad you are getting input from people who have been in your shoes (or close). Believe me, I know how hard it is.

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel though. No matter what.

[Sunshine33]

Here is all I *know* right now:

 

 

#1- He is deeply confused. He has not "decided" to reconcile- he is sort of thrashing about attempting to assuage his guilt and confusion, and considering reconciliation one way to do that. Not sure I can agree that he no longer wants our relationship. I don't think he knows what he wants. I should also share (though it feels like a violation to him) that due to the depression in the midst of this he decided to go back on antidepressants, and titrating onto a new one has been a factor. As he began to talk of reconciliation, his sisters urged him not to be too hasty since his brain chemistry was in flux. (Of course I was silently cheering that they were urging the brakes at any talk of reconciliation).

 

 

#2- I am deeply confused. This forum is helpful (very), but also there are many voices.

 

 

#3- We BOTH need to get our sh*t together. Yes, I have ended two relationships in the last five years. In the last ten I have lost my mother, my father, my grandmother (more like a second parent than my father ever was), and some dear friendships due to my divorce. I need to listen for my own voice just as much as he does, and you people have helped me to realize that. This relationship has been glorious, but it has taken a SERIOUS toll on me. I need to get back to center. I need my value and my power and my strength back after this latest god**mn wreckage/plot twist. I have three kids to raise and a career to nourish.

 

 

#4- I think Future Pain Avoidance is ringing in my ears right now louder than anything. You have all been very compelling about the hardships in your lives caused by the drama that comes from remaining engaged with a man who is in my man's current mental state. You have convinced me that NC is essential right now. He has got to figure this all out, for his own sake, and if we do ever have any hope for a future healthy relationship. Believe me, my instinct, after ALL we have been through together, is to trudge through the trenches with him, but that could be my ruin. You have convinced me to pull back, not disturb a process, and protect myself. He will not be truly happy if he goes back. He will be safe®. Whether he is strong enough to make that choice has been the essential question all along.

 

 

$5- We have not really "gone here", but I am a person that tries to be steered by faith. I have my own funky faith and attend an Episcopal church. I see a ton of value - and I get a ton of relief- in letting God in when it all gets to be too much. That is really hard for a Type A control freak. Let God deal with this mess. I don't have the skill set for it. I need support ***desperately***, but otherwise I need to truly believe that my lifeline, my journey, is leading me toward true fulfillment and love whether it is with this character or not. I have so much love to give.

 

 

I am thirteen years younger than MM. Someone asked. It is not inconsequential, but it works for us. How that plays out over time is something we are both weighing. I think you are all right about the assets and whatnot. He would be foolish not to think seriously about it all, though he had done the math and talked about it with me all the time. With my income the impact would be net zero for alimony (worst case), but dividing retirement assets in half hurts a man's pride.

[Mount]

Exactly, so as mentioned above, let things flow. :)

 

Here is all I *know* right now:

 

 

#1- He is deeply confused. He has not "decided" to reconcile- he is sort of thrashing about attempting to assuage his guilt and confusion, and considering reconciliation one way to do that. Not sure I can agree that he no longer wants our relationship. I don't think he knows what he wants. I should also share (though it feels like a violation to him) that due to the depression in the midst of this he decided to go back on antidepressants, and titrating onto a new one has been a factor. As he began to talk of reconciliation, his sisters urged him not to be too hasty since his brain chemistry was in flux. (Of course I was silently cheering that they were urging the brakes at any talk of reconciliation).

 

 

#2- I am deeply confused. This forum is helpful (very), but also there are many voices.

 

 

#3- We BOTH need to get our sh*t together. Yes, I have ended two relationships in the last five years. In the last ten I have lost my mother, my father, my grandmother (more like a second parent than my father ever was), and some dear friendships due to my divorce. I need to listen for my own voice just as much as he does, and you people have helped me to realize that. This relationship has been glorious, but it has taken a SERIOUS toll on me. I need to get back to center. I need my value and my power and my strength back after this latest god**mn wreckage/plot twist. I have three kids to raise and a career to nourish.

 

 

#4- I think Future Pain Avoidance is ringing in my ears right now louder than anything. You have all been very compelling about the hardships in your lives caused by the drama that comes from remaining engaged with a man who is in my man's current mental state. You have convinced me that NC is essential right now. He has got to figure this all out, for his own sake, and if we do ever have any hope for a future healthy relationship. Believe me, my instinct, after ALL we have been through together, is to trudge through the trenches with him, but that could be my ruin. You have convinced me to pull back, not disturb a process, and protect myself. He will not be truly happy if he goes back. He will be safe®. Whether he is strong enough to make that choice has been the essential question all along.

 

 

$5- We have not really "gone here", but I am a person that tries to be steered by faith. I have my own funky faith and attend an Episcopal church. I see a ton of value - and I get a ton of relief- in letting God in when it all gets to be too much. That is really hard for a Type A control freak. Let God deal with this mess. I don't have the skill set for it. I need support ***desperately***, but otherwise I need to truly believe that my lifeline, my journey, is leading me toward true fulfillment and love whether it is with this character or not. I have so much love to give.

 

 

I am thirteen years younger than MM. Someone asked. It is not inconsequential, but it works for us. How that plays out over time is something we are both weighing. I think you are all right about the assets and whatnot. He would be foolish not to think seriously about it all, though he had done the math and talked about it with me all the time. With my income the impact would be net zero for alimony (worst case), but dividing retirement assets in half hurts a man's pride.

[Sunshine33]

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel though. No matter what.

 

 

Thanks, Hope Shimmers. I really need to believe that.

[amomwhoknows]

Sunshine

 

Gently again, is it possible thaIt sounds cruel, but as the parent of a young adult with similar struggles, they aren't always so easy to live with. I wonder if his siblings "blame" his W for his issues, when in reality they probably brain chemistry and personality related. Thus, their encouragement of him etc.

 

I wonder if you have thought about the impact this might have on your children should you continue this relationship long term. It is one thing when it is your parent, it is another when a step parent does the disrupting.

 

I hope you are in therapy. I think you need outside eyes and ears helping you see clearly what has happened to you the last few years and what you are willing to risk moving forward.

 

You don't sound like you put yourself first easily. You need to do that now (and always).

Edited August 30, 2015 by amomwhoknows

[Sunshine33]

AMom, thanks for your concern for me and for your children. I am in therapy. My children have adjusted to my divorce and are thriving, beyond my wildest dreams, actually.

 

 

It is noble that your concern for all are the children- yours, his, and mine. I do appreciate that. I believe that if the adults are secure and self-actualized, the outcomes for the children are that much better.

 

 

I am really struggling right now, and I need the support of those who have been through this exact situation. Have you? If not, please find another forum. I am not trying to sound like an ingrate, but I am desperately seeking guidance from those whose intentions are in synch.

[Sunshine33]

I also think it's important to get centered.

 

Are there any exercises or mental images that help you get there each day? Just doing one day at a time is manageable. I like to start my day with my pattern and feel grounded that way for the rest of each day.

 

What can you be doing that might help yourself get there?

 

 

Thank you. My ob just recommended a coach who teaches mindfulness exercises centered around increasing gratitude and opening of the heart. I have her number and will call her. I need to increase my positive energy flow. I am going completely insane this weekend.

[Hope Shimmers]

Here is all I *know* right now:

 

 

#1- He is deeply confused. He has not "decided" to reconcile- he is sort of thrashing about attempting to assuage his guilt and confusion, and considering reconciliation one way to do that. Not sure I can agree that he no longer wants our relationship. I don't think he knows what he wants. I should also share (though it feels like a violation to him) that due to the depression in the midst of this he decided to go back on antidepressants, and titrating onto a new one has been a factor. As he began to talk of reconciliation, his sisters urged him not to be too hasty since his brain chemistry was in flux. (Of course I was silently cheering that they were urging the brakes at any talk of reconciliation).

 

 

#2- I am deeply confused. This forum is helpful (very), but also there are many voices.

 

 

#3- We BOTH need to get our sh*t together. Yes, I have ended two relationships in the last five years. In the last ten I have lost my mother, my father, my grandmother (more like a second parent than my father ever was), and some dear friendships due to my divorce. I need to listen for my own voice just as much as he does, and you people have helped me to realize that. This relationship has been glorious, but it has taken a SERIOUS toll on me. I need to get back to center. I need my value and my power and my strength back after this latest god**mn wreckage/plot twist. I have three kids to raise and a career to nourish.

 

 

#4- I think Future Pain Avoidance is ringing in my ears right now louder than anything. You have all been very compelling about the hardships in your lives caused by the drama that comes from remaining engaged with a man who is in my man's current mental state. You have convinced me that NC is essential right now. He has got to figure this all out, for his own sake, and if we do ever have any hope for a future healthy relationship. Believe me, my instinct, after ALL we have been through together, is to trudge through the trenches with him, but that could be my ruin. You have convinced me to pull back, not disturb a process, and protect myself. He will not be truly happy if he goes back. He will be safe®. Whether he is strong enough to make that choice has been the essential question all along.

 

 

$5- We have not really "gone here", but I am a person that tries to be steered by faith. I have my own funky faith and attend an Episcopal church. I see a ton of value - and I get a ton of relief- in letting God in when it all gets to be too much. That is really hard for a Type A control freak. Let God deal with this mess. I don't have the skill set for it. I need support ***desperately***, but otherwise I need to truly believe that my lifeline, my journey, is leading me toward true fulfillment and love whether it is with this character or not. I have so much love to give.

 

 

I am thirteen years younger than MM. Someone asked. It is not inconsequential, but it works for us. How that plays out over time is something we are both weighing. I think you are all right about the assets and whatnot. He would be foolish not to think seriously about it all, though he had done the math and talked about it with me all the time. With my income the impact would be net zero for alimony (worst case), but dividing retirement assets in half hurts a man's pride.

 

This is great stuff.

 

There is nothing just "go with the flow" here, IMO. This is a lot of thinking and hard work and planning. I think you will stick with it. I hope you do. There is always a chance, but to give yourself the best chance isn't always the easiest way.

[Marc878]

Deep down he never intended to leave his marriage in the first place.

 

At that age you get killed financially. MM make final decisions with their heads not there hearts.

 

He just wanted and got some new extra on the side.

 

Amazes me how WW fall for this and string along sometimes years!!!!!

[Mount]

Come on, there had so many OWs here doing extreme actions and caused their lives in drama due to the affair, i.e. job loss, non-stop moving, gave birth and then losing baby, potential suicidal thoughts/behavior.....more and more such things ruining themselves health (physically and for sure mentally) and financial.

 

How can people live like that?! How can people live the life without constructive gaining on financial and career for herself?

 

Yes those OWs want MM to be with them, BUT as another poster ("MARK878") just replied, men think differently from woman. They (MM) have a formula (whether their return of investment will be exceeding their input/investment) in their brain, not just simply love love...oh my love.

 

"Sunshine33" had done enough planning and even execution - dramatically changed her life, guess where she is now, the MM is being married to wife.

 

She should not do any more dramatic action at this point, instead, she needs to observe and then decide.

 

This is great stuff.

 

There is nothing just "go with the flow" here, IMO. This is a lot of thinking and hard work and planning. I think you will stick with it. I hope you do. There is always a chance, but to give yourself the best chance isn't always the easiest way.

Edited August 30, 2015 by Mount

[Sunshine33]

Amom...I owe you an apology. You are taking time out of your life to offer me, a total stranger, the value of your perspective, and I should not have cyber-snapped at you. I am sorry. My nerves and emotions are totally shredded right now and I am not my best.

 

 

My guy (I really do not like calling him MM but I guess that's what he is) spent yesterday afternoon at the coffee shop right near my house. He knows I have to drive by there constantly. It made me insane. I did not go in though. NC is really wearing on me.

 

 

Again, I am sorry.

Edited August 30, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clean up quote

[Sunshine33]

This is great stuff.

 

There is nothing just "go with the flow" here, IMO. This is a lot of thinking and hard work and planning. I think you will stick with it. I hope you do. There is always a chance, but to give yourself the best chance isn't always the easiest way.

 

 

Thanks Hope. I am trying.

[Sunburst]

Big hug, Sunburst. I truly understand. Shame on him for squandering your love and abusing your good heart. Karma will find a way to you both.

 

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words, I truly always tried to think about everyone involved, not just myself... Honestly. But it looks like I'm the only one hurting after all. It's a bit easier to see same stories and get some hope for healing. Sorry for talking about it here, I'm trying hard to cope with it on my own. Just seen a happy picture and my stomach is in knots, feeling really worthless.

[Robert]

Just a note on member's postings in this thread, infractions are warranted if continued interactions demean other member's posts. Please keep this guideline in mind when responding:

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Thank you ~ V

[Mount]

In short, be gentle to yourself :).

 

Or look at positive side, yes you did have life event change, but you did not let your (ex)husband living in the dark while you have relationship with this MM/guy. And you also let kids or help them adjust well so far.

 

So slow down a bit....let it flow .

 

Amom...I owe you an apology. You are taking time out of your life to offer me, a total stranger, the value of your perspective, and I should not have cyber-snapped at you. I am sorry. My nerves and emotions are totally shredded right now and I am not my best.

 

 

My guy (I really do not like calling him MM but I guess that's what he is) spent yesterday afternoon at the coffee shop right near my house. He knows I have to drive by there constantly. It made me insane. I did not go in though. NC is really wearing on me.

 

 

Again, I am sorry.

[jbrent890]

Deep down he never intended to leave his marriage in the first place.

 

At that age you get killed financially. MM make final decisions with their heads not there hearts.

 

He just wanted and got some new extra on the side.

 

Amazes me how WW fall for this and string along sometimes years!!!!!

 

Actually, I don't think thats the case here. If he never intended on leaving the marriage, then he would have never separated. This to me is not the usual MM who is only in it for extra sex. I think that he did get heavily emotionally involved with the OP. However, after living on his own and separate from the marriage, the fog is starting to dissipate. Sadly and cruelly, many waywards initiate a separation as a means to test drive a true relationship with their AP's. A lot of these relationships tend to not work out because like I said, the fog dissipates.

 

Personally OP, this guy is fence sitting and will continue to do so as long as people let him. I think you are doing a good job at keeping your distance for time being. Now, your focus should be on you and your children. However, I hope you don't mind me asking this question, do you think that part of the reason you really want this relationship to work out is because you sacrificed so much for it (marriage and friends)?

[heartinlove]

HI Sunshine,

 

I rarely come here anymore but for some reason popped on today and saw your posts and felt to add my voice.

 

You sound like someone looking for a healthy path forward for yourself through all this. I feel for you and what you are going through. It is very rough what you described.

 

My situation is somewhat similar, which is why I wanted to share with you. I am lucky in that i have so much support in my life and really didn't need this forum and thought it was mostly too negative, but it was good to hear others experiences. I too didn't have anyone around me who could really relate. My world is filled with people who are healthy and spiritual and couldn't really understand the fence sitting that MM do and were angry and sad for me for staying in this situation, which I completely understood. If I had a friend doing what I did, I would have felt the same way.

 

Just a quick history. I too was in 5 year affair and MM had a lot of fence sitting.He also had kids in the house and even though I always knew he loved me and felt I was the right partner for him, all the emotions, guilt, not wanting to be the bad guy, guilt at breaking up his plus 20 year marriage and kids family etc. was overwhelming. He finally did move out and filed for divorce but it was not easy and he too suffered tremendous guilt and anxiety and grief. To the point that he too considered going back a few times. Luckily he is also surrounded by family and friends who encouraged him to understand all those feelings were normal and to not go back because of guilt and discomfort. He knew those are not good reasons to go back to a marriage that had been essentially dead for a decade. Still it has been very difficult for him at times and hence difficult for us at times.

 

But this is the part why I wanted to add my voice. This is about you, not him, not his struggles. The one constant thing all my friends and family said was to take space from him, be happy, trust my life will bring love and happiness with or without him. I was mostly successful in that but could have done better at taking more space from him as we stayed in contact. But I continued to focus on that principle and it always, always brought me back to a centered happy place where I knew I would be good no matter what. Even though I also knew this man was/is one of the true loves of my life.

 

Even though my situation is now in a good place, if I could do anything differently I would have followed that voice even stronger. Because the years of this yo-yo did take their toll. i do believe though why I have been relatively healthily in this and why we are in a good place now, is even when I broke down and spoke with him, I always aspired to get back to taking space,letting him make his own decisions, and fuel my own joy.

 

I too was like you and never gave an ultimatum but encouraged him to do whatever his truth was. But you need to do that for you too, to set up your own life for happiness and the reality is he has to CHOOSE his path fully at some point. That is what I said repeatedly to my MM, do whats in your heart, but you must choose a path, and I need to choose a path too, which is to live an authentic life which was not being in an affair or being in limbo.

 

I can tell by what you've written this philosophy is in you too. Don't listen to all the BS from people who don't know your relationship, he may not have loved you, he just wanted booty blah, blah, blah. Its not about that and you know it. Its about a lot of other issues including his inner turmoil and values. Does he value more staying married and keeping his family intact or does he value living a authentic life, would he even know how to do that and he could he be happy as a divorced man. He has pretty much said all that.

 

Stay strong.You know the truth from what you have shared. But you also know the truth of what you need to do to move forward for your own life and your children's lives. Keep on the path you are on, that if he ever comes back, he needs to come back available. Period. You've given enough years of your life to this madness. And it is madness. Affairs suck the life out of everyone no matter how much you love someone. If you fall off that track, forgive yourself, love yourself and get back on that track again. Don't get sucked into his drama. Choose your path. When you miss him, reaffirm all this. Get out of your own limbo and choose the life you desire to live.

[Sunshine33]

HI Sunshine,

 

My situation is somewhat similar, which is why I wanted to share with you.

 

 

I too was in 5 year affair and MM had a lot of fence sitting.He also had kids in the house and even though I always knew he loved me and felt I was the right partner for him, all the emotions, guilt, not wanting to be the bad guy, guilt at breaking up his plus 20 year marriage and kids family etc. was overwhelming. He finally did move out and filed for divorce but it was not easy and he too suffered tremendous guilt and anxiety and grief. To the point that he too considered going back a few times. Luckily he is also surrounded by family and friends who encouraged him to understand all those feelings were normal and to not go back because of guilt and discomfort. He knew those are not good reasons to go back to a marriage that had been essentially dead for a decade. Still it has been very difficult for him at times and hence difficult for us at times.

 

But this is the part why I wanted to add my voice. This is about you, not him, not his struggles. The one constant thing all my friends and family said was to take space from him, be happy, trust my life will bring love and happiness with or without him. I was mostly successful in that but could have done better at taking more space from him as we stayed in contact. But I continued to focus on that principle and it always, always brought me back to a centered happy place where I knew I would be good no matter what. Even though I also knew this man was/is one of the true loves of my life.

 

 

 

I can tell by what you've written this philosophy is in you too. Don't listen to all the BS from people who don't know your relationship, he may not have loved you, he just wanted booty blah, blah, blah. Its not about that and you know it. Its about a lot of other issues including his inner turmoil and values. Does he value more staying married and keeping his family intact or does he value living a authentic life, would he even know how to do that and he could he be happy as a divorced man. He has pretty much said all that.

 

Stay strong.You know the truth from what you have shared. But you also know the truth of what you need to do to move forward for your own life and your children's lives. Keep on the path you are on, that if he ever comes back, he needs to come back available. Period. You've given enough years of your life to this madness. And it is madness. Affairs suck the life out of everyone no matter how much you love someone. If you fall off that track, forgive yourself, love yourself and get back on that track again. Don't get sucked into his drama. Choose your path. When you miss him, reaffirm all this. Get out of your own limbo and choose the life you desire to live.

 

 

HeartinLove.......wow. I could highlight every word you wrote and I do not even know how to respond other than to say thank you, and that people come into your path EXACTLY when you need them to, as you have for me today.

 

 

I totally caved after church for the first time in ten days. Church is really hard, as you can imagine, since now that entire community embraces us as a couple (which is so bizarre on many levels). He always goes to the coffee shop near me after church, and sure enough there he was. I couldn't help it. I came up and said hello, he was looking at his phone, and he was SO happy to see me. We just stared at eachother smiling and basked in our gaze. He told me I looked beautiful. We chatted for just a couple of minutes and then I politely ended the conversation and said goodbye. He said we'll correspond. The flame is definitely still alive and well.

 

 

Thank you for your words regarding my space, my path, knowing goodness will find me, coming back to center and everything else you relayed. That needs to be my meditation. And I take to heart what you have said about wishing you had given even more space (maybe tell me what you mean?). I confess that I am really happy to hear that you and your guy have made it through, and that it is possible.

 

 

This forum has really been galvanizing for me this week and I can't believe how much stronger I feel than I did a week ago (today's caving notwithstanding). I do not really take to heart the suggestions that it's just about sex or he wasn't serious or doesn't love me, as you say. I do know the truth and I truly see his turmoil, as you did with your guy. I think my MMs friends and family (sisters- maybe even his kids) are supporting him, and he needs their unconditional love to heal that shame that he feels for breaking his family. I ache that he is going though that, because I did too and it is living hell to feel that way. I also know that it all works out, as it has for my xH and kids. When MM and I were together and he was struggling, I would say all those things, but it is hard to hear that from the person who was an accomplice in the breaking. Do you have kids and were you married?

 

 

You are right- affairs suck the life. Someone else in this forum used the word "lifeless", and that, like so much wisdom that has been granted me here, has haunted me. I cannot live lifelessly and I know I need to push forward along my own path while he finds his. Your words and inspiration are a lamppost on my path. Thank you so much for sharing....and I am happy for you!

[Sunshine33]

However, I hope you don't mind me asking this question, do you think that part of the reason you really want this relationship to work out is because you sacrificed so much for it (marriage and friends)?

 

Hi. There is an element of that, to be sure. We have both invested so much and sacrificed so much. But what we got to learn by test-driving our relationship was that it was as good as we imagined it could be. We both felt like we were just getting started and had so much more potential in us. We definitely did not flame out. What we did not realize was that him still being married would cast such a pall over our developing relationship as it did, though. That is a pretty obvious thing, so not sure how we missed that. We also got to experience some of the realities of our dynamic, like my schedule with my kids, balancing our work pressures, etc. I think if we choose to be together we both have our eyes wide open now.

[amomwhoknows]

Sunshine

 

No apology needed. I took your snapping as another sign of the desperation/panic you are feeling. No worries.

 

While I have not been in your situation, I live with something similar daily now. Two years ago, my brother, nearly 55, left his marriage for a woman he had been having an affair with for several years. At the 15 month point, I was called to the ER (I work in a hospital) as my brother had been transported by ambulance for a suspected cardiac incident. It wasn't. It was a full on panic attack, brought on my the many stresses in his life. He had realized that while he didn't particularly want to be married to my SIL anymore, the financial costs of this were huge and his kids were not happy with/for him. On top of that, he had come to the sad conclusion that the OW in his case wasn't someone he wanted to be with forever. I think he really loved her, but the 16 year age difference in their case started to be a concern for him. He was looking at retiring (well before the settlement anyway) by 60 and she would still have had a child or two in high school. He had tremendous guilt for his behavior that only amplified as time went on and is still an issue now. He found out, in conversations that occurred with friends at the time, that people he thought were supportive really weren't. His best friend ended up siding with my SIL, because of the relationship with his wife. Our oldest brother had given him plenty of really bad advice that came back to bite him.

 

I cannot begin to tell you how sorry/sympathetic I was/am to his OW (let's call her J). I was angry at him for how he treated his now ex wife, but furious at him for this. And I was sad for J. And her kids. (thus my concerns about kids in general, his and yours) I think my brother just wasn't ready to leave one marriage and hop into another serious relationship. Unfortunately, he wasn't healthy enough to acknowledge this (and got crummy advice from forementioned brother) and thus, jumped from one fire to another.

 

He has lived in our basement apartment the last few months. (It is nice, not nearly as grim as it sounds.) As he gets his crap together, focusing on work and his kids when they are around. He is in therapy and staying out of the dating pool all together.

 

J has moved on. It has been about 3 months and they aren't in contact at all. She lost a lot because/for/with him and he didn't handle it right at all. J is very angry at him, an emotion I don't sense from you. My brother certainly made a lot of promises he didn't keep in the end.

 

The theme, I think, of my advice has been that you need to be good to yourself. You (and your kids) need to be your #1 priority.

 

Going with the flow, requiring him do the hard work that will be necessary for your relationship to proceed, and taking care of yourself are important steps in this process.

[Sunshine33]

Sunshine

 

No apology needed. I took your snapping as another sign of the desperation/panic you are feeling. No worries.

 

The theme, I think, of my advice has been that you need to be good to yourself. You (and your kids) need to be your #1 priority.

 

Going with the flow, requiring him do the hard work that will be necessary for your relationship to proceed, and taking care of yourself are important steps in this process.

 

 

I'm really glad to hear from you, Amom. I felt terrible.

 

 

Thanks for sharing your tale. Wow. It is just astonishing to me how much of this is out there. You definitely have an interesting vantage point. Your brother is very lucky to have you (and your basement!) during this stage of his life.

 

 

I feel bad for J, too. I hope she can get to peace. It is so hard. You are right that I am not angry, though I have had many angry moments. I can't really sit with anger too long before I process my way out of it. Sometimes I wish I could be angrier because I think I have been really understanding and borderline enabling. NC is really good, though. This is the best and healthiest thing for our situation.

[usernametaken]

UserNameTaken (what username did you want??), I am sure it was painful to share, but THANK YOU for sharing. Before reading this I was wondering if there were any people out there who did end up with their AP/MM. I would be lying if I did not say my heart leapt at reading your story. It does sound painful. Are you divorced too?

 

 

I think it is unlikely his marriage will survive, too. Like your guy, I think "mine" needs to have a sense that he gave it one last try. He was so panicked that I had started dating last year that he took all the action within one month that he'd been contemplating taking for a decade. I think it all caught up to him recently, like whiplash. I also think he wants her to end it, or to play a role in the final stage- sort of show up, which she just has not done. But who knows, maybe they will be one of those couples who finally discover each other after all this time???

 

 

Your tale has cautionary aspects, too, which I deeply appreciate. That word "gravity" is haunting me. I totally get that. Since you offered such great gifts for me, here is one for you that I heard from a wise old colleague recently. He told me that he believes he and his wife have had about six marriages. THey have been married to each other the whole time, mind you, but their relationship has changed so dramatically through their 55 years of marriage that it has been like six totally different marriages. Perhaps it will be like that with your guy, too. Perhaps the worst is behind you, and now that he can lay his past to rest, you will shed the blech and move on in newness of life to the chapter you were meant to live into together. I wish that for you.

 

Oh, I didn't have any particular user name I wanted. All I have ever sought is anonymity.

 

I am also divorced. I divorced after the affair started but before my ex-husband found out anything about us (he never did). It wasn't about the affair, though - we just didn't like one another much at all. I am also a mother. It adds another layer - and makes all these decisions much more weighty.

 

I know several people who have ended up married to their APs. None of the relationships have been easy or seamless, but they have all seemed worth all the torture involved, which in any case pushed the boundaries of "extreme". For better or worse, they are battle-tested relationships that managed to survive despite that the odds were stacked so heavily against them. One involved a divorce with over a million dollars in legal fees. One involved more than 15 years of push and pull and just countless heartache. They're not for the faint of heart.

 

It's hard to be on the other side and recommend this course - and it's hard to say anything positive at all, knowing the likely outcome and the real pain and heartache at stake. To the people posting that "if he really loved you, he would divorce" that's an oversimplification of the human condition. If life were just so black and white, we wouldn't need to ask others for advice. That's a trite and unenlightened way to look at the world.

 

Sure, there are plenty of MM who are just looking for some strange. That's not your guy. He's genuinely conflicted and hurting. He's also sort of a ****head - but aren't most people, really?

 

I hesitated to post because I feel like my story gives people false hope. But really, it's just a relationship like any once the dust has cleared. Mostly wonderful; sometimes heartbreaking; most days, I'm just irritated that he's left his boxers on the floor again, or that we can't decide where to go for dinner. And then I look at him and instantly want to cover him with kisses after all this time.

 

Good luck to you. Give it a year.