Heartbroken- Separated BF Considering Reconciling

[Sunshine33]

However, I hope you don't mind me asking this question, do you think that part of the reason you really want this relationship to work out is because you sacrificed so much for it (marriage and friends)?

 

Hi. There is an element of that, to be sure. We have both invested so much and sacrificed so much. But what we got to learn by test-driving our relationship was that it was as good as we imagined it could be. We both felt like we were just getting started and had so much more potential in us. We definitely did not flame out. What we did not realize was that him still being married would cast such a pall over our developing relationship as it did, though. That is a pretty obvious thing, so not sure how we missed that. We also got to experience some of the realities of our dynamic, like my schedule with my kids, balancing our work pressures, etc. I think if we choose to be together we both have our eyes wide open now.

[amomwhoknows]

Sunshine

 

No apology needed. I took your snapping as another sign of the desperation/panic you are feeling. No worries.

 

While I have not been in your situation, I live with something similar daily now. Two years ago, my brother, nearly 55, left his marriage for a woman he had been having an affair with for several years. At the 15 month point, I was called to the ER (I work in a hospital) as my brother had been transported by ambulance for a suspected cardiac incident. It wasn't. It was a full on panic attack, brought on my the many stresses in his life. He had realized that while he didn't particularly want to be married to my SIL anymore, the financial costs of this were huge and his kids were not happy with/for him. On top of that, he had come to the sad conclusion that the OW in his case wasn't someone he wanted to be with forever. I think he really loved her, but the 16 year age difference in their case started to be a concern for him. He was looking at retiring (well before the settlement anyway) by 60 and she would still have had a child or two in high school. He had tremendous guilt for his behavior that only amplified as time went on and is still an issue now. He found out, in conversations that occurred with friends at the time, that people he thought were supportive really weren't. His best friend ended up siding with my SIL, because of the relationship with his wife. Our oldest brother had given him plenty of really bad advice that came back to bite him.

 

I cannot begin to tell you how sorry/sympathetic I was/am to his OW (let's call her J). I was angry at him for how he treated his now ex wife, but furious at him for this. And I was sad for J. And her kids. (thus my concerns about kids in general, his and yours) I think my brother just wasn't ready to leave one marriage and hop into another serious relationship. Unfortunately, he wasn't healthy enough to acknowledge this (and got crummy advice from forementioned brother) and thus, jumped from one fire to another.

 

He has lived in our basement apartment the last few months. (It is nice, not nearly as grim as it sounds.) As he gets his crap together, focusing on work and his kids when they are around. He is in therapy and staying out of the dating pool all together.

 

J has moved on. It has been about 3 months and they aren't in contact at all. She lost a lot because/for/with him and he didn't handle it right at all. J is very angry at him, an emotion I don't sense from you. My brother certainly made a lot of promises he didn't keep in the end.

 

The theme, I think, of my advice has been that you need to be good to yourself. You (and your kids) need to be your #1 priority.

 

Going with the flow, requiring him do the hard work that will be necessary for your relationship to proceed, and taking care of yourself are important steps in this process.

[Sunshine33]

Sunshine

 

No apology needed. I took your snapping as another sign of the desperation/panic you are feeling. No worries.

 

The theme, I think, of my advice has been that you need to be good to yourself. You (and your kids) need to be your #1 priority.

 

Going with the flow, requiring him do the hard work that will be necessary for your relationship to proceed, and taking care of yourself are important steps in this process.

 

 

I'm really glad to hear from you, Amom. I felt terrible.

 

 

Thanks for sharing your tale. Wow. It is just astonishing to me how much of this is out there. You definitely have an interesting vantage point. Your brother is very lucky to have you (and your basement!) during this stage of his life.

 

 

I feel bad for J, too. I hope she can get to peace. It is so hard. You are right that I am not angry, though I have had many angry moments. I can't really sit with anger too long before I process my way out of it. Sometimes I wish I could be angrier because I think I have been really understanding and borderline enabling. NC is really good, though. This is the best and healthiest thing for our situation.

[usernametaken]

UserNameTaken (what username did you want??), I am sure it was painful to share, but THANK YOU for sharing. Before reading this I was wondering if there were any people out there who did end up with their AP/MM. I would be lying if I did not say my heart leapt at reading your story. It does sound painful. Are you divorced too?

 

 

I think it is unlikely his marriage will survive, too. Like your guy, I think "mine" needs to have a sense that he gave it one last try. He was so panicked that I had started dating last year that he took all the action within one month that he'd been contemplating taking for a decade. I think it all caught up to him recently, like whiplash. I also think he wants her to end it, or to play a role in the final stage- sort of show up, which she just has not done. But who knows, maybe they will be one of those couples who finally discover each other after all this time???

 

 

Your tale has cautionary aspects, too, which I deeply appreciate. That word "gravity" is haunting me. I totally get that. Since you offered such great gifts for me, here is one for you that I heard from a wise old colleague recently. He told me that he believes he and his wife have had about six marriages. THey have been married to each other the whole time, mind you, but their relationship has changed so dramatically through their 55 years of marriage that it has been like six totally different marriages. Perhaps it will be like that with your guy, too. Perhaps the worst is behind you, and now that he can lay his past to rest, you will shed the blech and move on in newness of life to the chapter you were meant to live into together. I wish that for you.

 

Oh, I didn't have any particular user name I wanted. All I have ever sought is anonymity.

 

I am also divorced. I divorced after the affair started but before my ex-husband found out anything about us (he never did). It wasn't about the affair, though - we just didn't like one another much at all. I am also a mother. It adds another layer - and makes all these decisions much more weighty.

 

I know several people who have ended up married to their APs. None of the relationships have been easy or seamless, but they have all seemed worth all the torture involved, which in any case pushed the boundaries of "extreme". For better or worse, they are battle-tested relationships that managed to survive despite that the odds were stacked so heavily against them. One involved a divorce with over a million dollars in legal fees. One involved more than 15 years of push and pull and just countless heartache. They're not for the faint of heart.

 

It's hard to be on the other side and recommend this course - and it's hard to say anything positive at all, knowing the likely outcome and the real pain and heartache at stake. To the people posting that "if he really loved you, he would divorce" that's an oversimplification of the human condition. If life were just so black and white, we wouldn't need to ask others for advice. That's a trite and unenlightened way to look at the world.

 

Sure, there are plenty of MM who are just looking for some strange. That's not your guy. He's genuinely conflicted and hurting. He's also sort of a ****head - but aren't most people, really?

 

I hesitated to post because I feel like my story gives people false hope. But really, it's just a relationship like any once the dust has cleared. Mostly wonderful; sometimes heartbreaking; most days, I'm just irritated that he's left his boxers on the floor again, or that we can't decide where to go for dinner. And then I look at him and instantly want to cover him with kisses after all this time.

 

Good luck to you. Give it a year.

[Sunshine33]

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words, I truly always tried to think about everyone involved, not just myself... Honestly. But it looks like I'm the only one hurting after all. It's a bit easier to see same stories and get some hope for healing. Sorry for talking about it here, I'm trying hard to cope with it on my own. Just seen a happy picture and my stomach is in knots, feeling really worthless.

 

 

My stomach is in knots for you. Don't feel worthless. Your story will go on and your path will lead you to love and fulfillment. He taught you something. Your time together meant something important for you both. The pain you feel just means that you have not hardened and become bitter, so you will find your way to love again. The pain is excruciating right now, but it will get better. You are most welcome to talk about it here, if these posters give you strength and hope. You aren't alone.

[Mount]

Very well said and totally agree. I am also very much not a big fan of seeing people encourage OWs whom happen to be in the same workplace with MMs to go NC, by saying "change job" to go NC....Sounds like there have always million dollar wages job offers everywhere.

 

For those OWs their emotion/mental state/spiritual is already hurting or not stable, by encouraging them to quit job/change job is to add another layer of (financial) hurting to those OWs. This excludes OW who voluntarily wants to change job herself.

 

Instead of be wisely observing the motion of the whole situation and then choose what to do without rapid rush/decision, some opinions here are too extreme/dramatic, which is also the cause of some of OWs or BS living the life path of destruction.

 

Oh, I didn't have any particular user name I wanted. All I have ever sought is anonymity.

 

I am also divorced. I divorced after the affair started but before my ex-husband found out anything about us (he never did). It wasn't about the affair, though - we just didn't like one another much at all. I am also a mother. It adds another layer - and makes all these decisions much more weighty.

 

I know several people who have ended up married to their APs. None of the relationships have been easy or seamless, but they have all seemed worth all the torture involved, which in any case pushed the boundaries of "extreme". For better or worse, they are battle-tested relationships that managed to survive despite that the odds were stacked so heavily against them. One involved a divorce with over a million dollars in legal fees. One involved more than 15 years of push and pull and just countless heartache. They're not for the faint of heart.

 

It's hard to be on the other side and recommend this course - and it's hard to say anything positive at all, knowing the likely outcome and the real pain and heartache at stake. To the people posting that "if he really loved you, he would divorce" that's an oversimplification of the human condition. If life were just so black and white, we wouldn't need to ask others for advice. That's a trite and unenlightened way to look at the world.

 

Sure, there are plenty of MM who are just looking for some strange. That's not your guy. He's genuinely conflicted and hurting. He's also sort of a ****head - but aren't most people, really?

 

I hesitated to post because I feel like my story gives people false hope. But really, it's just a relationship like any once the dust has cleared. Mostly wonderful; sometimes heartbreaking; most days, I'm just irritated that he's left his boxers on the floor again, or that we can't decide where to go for dinner. And then I look at him and instantly want to cover him with kisses after all this time.

 

Good luck to you. Give it a year.

[Sunshine33]

 

I know several people who have ended up married to their APs. None of the relationships have been easy or seamless, but they have all seemed worth all the torture involved, which in any case pushed the boundaries of "extreme". For better or worse, they are battle-tested relationships that managed to survive despite that the odds were stacked so heavily against them. One involved a divorce with over a million dollars in legal fees. One involved more than 15 years of push and pull and just countless heartache. They're not for the faint of heart.

 

It's hard to be on the other side and recommend this course - and it's hard to say anything positive at all, knowing the likely outcome and the real pain and heartache at stake. To the people posting that "if he really loved you, he would divorce" that's an oversimplification of the human condition. If life were just so black and white, we wouldn't need to ask others for advice. That's a trite and unenlightened way to look at the world.

 

Good luck to you. Give it a year.

 

Thanks for your wisdom. It certainly is not for the faint of heart. 15 years of back and forth. Dear God. I do feel that our connection has certain undeniable and inevitable aspects about it. After seeing him yesterday that was very clear. He sent me a long email after we saw each other and I have not yet responded. Just letting it all soak in.

 

I am profoundly grateful for the support from this forum. I kind of can't get over it- the strength, life lessons, wisdom and compassion offered up from utter strangers offering their most intimate emotional experiences as lanterns through the darkness for others. I wish I could have you all over to sit in my living room and grow from your wisdom. The major theme I have heard from you all is that he needs to do his work, and I need to do mine. I want to fast-forward to the finish, but that isn't possible. One day at a time. The excrutiating pain has subsided a bit. I am sure it will return, as this circus is far from over, but you have brought me back to life just a bit. Words really cannot express my thanks.

[Sunshine33]

Update from original author.  My guy and I did get back together and we married in January of 2018.  I would not change one minute of our story or journey for the world.  Being together is harder than I realized it would be , however, we are happy.  We were and are the loves of each others' lives.  Living any other way would have been living a lie.