Am I Settling?

[jtc123]

Hi. I am posting here for the first time because I'm having some personal conflicts with regard to my current relationship. It's somewhat long, so I would appreciate your taking the time to read it.

 

I'm a male (26) and I have been with my girlfriend (34) for 3 years. This is the one and only serious relationship I've ever been in. We have been living together for a couple years. On paper everything is great, we seldom have arguments, there is mutual respect, compromise, appropriate balance of finances and housework etc. Sex life is okay but could be better (it lacks spontaneity and frequency).

 

We met at my former job about four years ago and hit it off as friends fairly quickly. She was easy to talk to, fun to hang out with, and we generally had common interests and beliefs. HOWEVER, I really didn't see anything more than a platonic friendship at the time due to a lack of physical attraction and the age gap. After awhile she started dropping not-so-subtle hints that she was into me. I resisted as I was not interested at the time. However, the more we hung out, I actually started to develop some sexual interest in her, as I think I was strongly attracted to her personality, and how easy she was to be around. Long story short, one night, after a couple beers (I feel this is an important detail) I confessed my changed outlook on our relationship and we started dating.

 

Since then, I have gone through maddening waves of wanting to stay in the relationship and wanting to leave. I have days when I truly enjoy her company and others when I find our relationship dull. One major complaint I have had all along, is that she is moderately clingy - to the point where in can often feel stifling. I have very few outside friends and I think her general insistence that we do EVERYTHING together is a part of the problem. I don't have many opportunities to make new friends. Sometimes I feel lonely, despite having such a loving partner.

 

Now there is a catalyst for this post: I have been at my current job for a couple years now. There is a female coworker who is closer to my age who I have developed a fair bit of infatuation for. I will say that she is also in a long-term-relationship and I have NO intention to act on this infatuation. I have no desire to cheat, nor to interfere with her relationship, let alone both of our jobs. However, we have been working closely together on a project lately and she totally brightens my day in a way my girlfriend does not. Her vitality is electric and she is absolutely beautiful to me. I get the sense that there is some interest on her end as well, but it could be all in my head. I know we at least enjoy each other's company.

 

This coworker is giving me a sense that I am settling. If there is one girl at work who can have this effect on me, maybe there are others out there who might be a better fit than my current relationship. But the grass is always greener, and all that, and it's hard to have a good bearing on this when it's your first serious relationship. I also don't have a lot of faith in my ability to get what I want when it comes to love. I have been plagued with a disappointing love-life in the past. I'll work on a girl only for her to run-off with some swole bro, leaving me high and dry. It has a poisonous effect, in that I often assume by default that a girl I feel a strong attraction for would never be interested in me. The fact that someone actually showed interest in me, is probably one of the key reasons I am in my current relationship.

 

So I need to defer to a neutral party, i.e. strangers on the internet. Am I crazy to be looking for more in a relationship with a girl who would make a totally awesome life-partner, but with whom I have never really felt a spark? For someone with not a lot of faith in his ability to woo the ladies, should I count my blessings? Are perfect relationships a fairy tale?

 

Bottom line: part of me would feel crazy leaving this relationship, because she is totally an awesome person who has shown nothing but love and support for me. The other part of me feels like I am missing out on being young and single, and meeting someone who makes me feel more lively. Furthermore, I have to consider how she would feel if she new how lukewarm I actually felt a lot of the time. It's not fair to string her along, but I can't bring myself to make a decision and act on it - hence my seeking for help.

 

I feel like an jerk even writing this but it's just an honest assessment of what I feel. I think I am so screwed up in the head at this point, I could use some third-party opinions to help clarify things. There's plenty more to it but I'll just leave it there for now.

 

Thanks!

[Qboro90]

If you're not excited to be with or around your gf then I'm pretty sure you already know the answer. Most people have the biggest problem splitting up when they don't necessarily dislike their partner or had something done to cause a breakup.... It's the fact that they're comfortable and things are OK so why would I risk leaving that for the unknown.

 

The way I always approached dating was that I wouldn't date anyone who I couldn't at least see myself and them 3-5 years down the road. Why waste my time having a gf that I know is break up with in 6 moths, a year etc.

 

Does the idea of marrying your Gf excite you? If not then it's over. I want to be with someone who I feel the same spark I felt during our first year, in the 5th year. If that's faded or gone or your eyes are wandering more and more then you need to end it. Not your fault, not her fault, it just wasn't meant to be.

 

And it's better to do it now when you're still in your 20's then to wait another couple years and have to delve into dating and single life after everyone else has settled down.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree that you'll be doing yourself and your girlfriend a favor by letting her go now. If she wants children, the longer you stay stagnant with her, the more sands drop through her reproductive hourglass. Let her go and give her the time and opportunity to find a man who's really excited about being with her, and give yourself the opportunity to be with a woman you're really excited about being with.

 

No one is happy when one partner is just coasting through a relationship because they're afraid they can't do any better.

 

And don't feel bad about thinking and writing these thoughts. It's much better to be honest with yourself and end it now, rather than wait until you're tangled up with a house, kids, melded finances, and then it's a big mess to untangle. This will hurt, but the hurt will be much less now than later.

[Gloria25]

To me it sounds like you weren't really excited about your current gf, but sorta "grown" to love her cuz you sorta said "why not"?

 

Well, now that another woman has caught your interest, the lukewarm you felt for your gf from day one is starting to rear its ugly head.

 

Dude I can't advise you to go either way. While things may not be "exciting" with your current gf, then why rock the boat?

 

The only way I'd tell you to jump ship is if your gf wasn't treating you right and you were just hanging around cuz you felt like you couldn't do any better.

[courtneykay]

It's pretty obvious by the first paragraph that you really aren't in love with this girl. Especially if you have to justify your attraction to her by saying you had a few beers - tak about a rough start to a relationship.

 

Those who posted before me offer some good advice. Does the idea of marrying her or having a family with her excite you? If not you're really leading her on. She's further along in life then you are, and she deserves a chance to find marriage and a family if that is something she is interested in.

 

That being said, you make a good point. The grass is always greener on the other side. So often it seems like someone leaves their significant other for something new and exciting, and then they realize that they made a huge mistake. I've watched it happen to many of my friends. This is what you have to decide. From my perspective, the way you talk about her does not sound like you see a future with this woman.

 

So I would say cut ties if it isn't something you see in your future and it's not something worth fighting for. If it is, then I think a conversation is long overdue.

[menyou]

Have you brought up any of your concerns with your current GF? Everyones biggest mistake is instead of going to their s/o people rely on internet forums for problem solving. You need to communicate your issues with your GF of 3 years. 3 years! You want outside friends? Get them. You want a better sex life? Make it happen. You obviously have a connection with the one you are with. The grass is NOT always greener. Water what you have before moving on.

[Ami1uwant]

I wonder if you would feel this if it wasn't for the female coworker/greener grass.

 

Focus just on your relationship and try to work on the issues you are concerned about:

 

1. Dull periods--what makes them full???

2. Concern on clingy..I feel each per don should have done me time.

3. The sex issue...is there a reason it's not spontaneous?? I'd it her? She complaining of being tired?

 

Another thing you need to decide on..given the age difference if she wants kids she will want them very soon.

[Oregon_Dude]

The way I am reading in between the lines is that your GF isn't very pretty.

 

My last one before my recent ex wasn't all that pretty. I was losing interest in her when she broke up with me. So, she did me a favor, though I was still butthurt at the time.

 

My guess is, the coworker is quite pretty. So she turns you on and makes you realize you want and deserve a pretty GF.

 

Nothing wrong with any of this. As men, physical attraction is HUGE. Break up with the current GF. And next time, don't settle, because you'll find yourself in this mess again.

[lavenderlove]

It all depends what it is that you want from life.

 

Some people can live a perfectly happy life being content with what they get, and can grow and develop those things.

 

some people need adrenalin and new things to make them feel alive.

 

some people can't be employed and have to run their own business because it would kill them to go to a day to day mundane job.

 

some people are happy to be secure and comfy and have nice future prospects

 

some people want all or nothing.

 

who are you? what does this relationship say about you?

 

the grass is greener syndrome does exist, but putting that aside do you actually know who you are and what you want from life or are you just drifting along with whatever comes you way

 

you have got to decide what you want and then just bear the consequences and stick with your goal. Thing is, you don't love your girlfriend, never did. Being with her this way is more cruel than leaving her. Lets say you leave her because you realised that settling is not your thing. this will not mean you will get to be with the other girl....but it will give you a chance to find someone you feel is special.

[jtc123]

I appreciate all the responses. They are mostly on-point. I think in reality I know I need to break up with her but am in denial about it. I am nowhere near having the courage to go forward with it.

 

For one thing, because her biological clock is ticking, I am feeling pressured to make a decision soon. I can't really see myself happily married to her, so I think most of the people here are right when they say it is time to move on. I feel like I would feel more compelled to work on the relationship if I hadn't always been sort of on the fence about it.

 

I have sort of dug myself into a hole and the whole relationship feels like a lie at this point. Communicating how I actually feel to her would probably just culminate in a breakup anyway.

 

So then the question becomes: where does one find the courage to crush someone who has had nothing but a heart of gold, because you just aren't feeling it? I know it has to happen, but I can't stand the thought of breaking her heart.

 

Has anyone had any experience with a similar situation? Did it help to confide in a close friend or family member before breaking it off?

 

Even now I'm feeling that other me saying, "but think of all the memories!" etc etc. There are definitely times when she makes me happy. It's the "what if?" I'm afraid of.

[Qboro90]

If the spark and excitement isn't there with your current gf then nothing is going to magically make that happen with time. Time is only going to make you more unhappy and resentful for staying in a comfortable situation.

 

There's a lot of couples who really like each other and think that their partner is a great person with great qualities. That doesn't mean they should marry them. Even saying "anyone else would be happy to have a girl like her" doesn't mean anything because YOU are the one that has to be happy with her forever. Forever is a long time, better off telling her now rather than waiting and doing it months/years down the road.

 

Sit her down and tell her that. Tell her how incredible she is and you want to be fair to her. You aren't positive about a future with her so instead of sticking with it and going along hoping it will get better you want to give her the freedom to find someone else who can give her that without question. That is reasonable and she'll at least understand. If you dated her and 2 years from now told her that she's gonna be like "why the hell didn't you tell me that 2 years ago?!? Instead of wasting that time figuring it out"... Like you said her biological clock is ticking so be fair to her and don't waste her time.

[Ami1uwant]

You need to tell her now do you font string her along with her biological clock ticking.

 

Be careful what you tell her. Saying something about you being on the fence can send the message that you were in it just for the sex until something better came sling.

[h0000]

 

So then the question becomes: where does one find the courage to crush someone who has had nothing but a heart of gold, because you just aren't feeling it? I know it has to happen, but I can't stand the thought of breaking her heart.

 

Has anyone had any experience with a similar situation? Did it help to confide in a close friend or family member before breaking it off?

 

Even now I'm feeling that other me saying, "but think of all the memories!" etc etc. There are definitely times when she makes me happy. It's the "what if?" I'm afraid of.

 

You already broke her heart by starting to have feelings for others (it's not your fault, I don't think you two are a good fit from the beginning) now you just need to do the right thing : let her go.

Or you avoid a temporary heart break but start a lifelong miserable relationship

[Ruby Slippers]

For one thing, because her biological clock is ticking, I am feeling pressured to make a decision soon. I can't really see myself happily married to her, so I think most of the people here are right when they say it is time to move on.

 

So then the question becomes: where does one find the courage to crush someone who has had nothing but a heart of gold, because you just aren't feeling it? I know it has to happen, but I can't stand the thought of breaking her heart.

It's time to man up and do what you know is right. It's not going to be easy, and it's probably going to break her heart - but life is full of heartbreak. The longer you wait, the more of her childbearing years you're wasting away. You really are being very unfair to her by stringing her along any further.

 

The way you find the courage is to just say the words. Be kind, be gentle, but be firm and clear. If I were you, I would tell her you care about her, think she's a wonderful girl, you've enjoyed all the great times you've had together, but you're not in love with her and do not want to be together anymore. I'd tell her that you want her to be happy with a man who is truly in love with her.

 

She will probably get very upset, cry, might try to convince you to stay. But be strong. Keep it as brief as possible, and then make the break. And DO NOT waffle or go back on what you said. That's only going to waste more of her time and yours.

[Lady2163]

Whew! This isn't going to be easy for you.

 

I was about her age when a boyfriend of two years ended things with me. I hadn't decided if I was going to have children, but to this day, I deeply resent him for wasting those years of my life.

 

That said, all relationships have trade offs. You may be able to find a younger, prettier girl, but she might not be as sweet or as good around the house.

 

Sex is about communication. I didn't learn how to communicate my wants, needs and desires in the bedroom until I was in my 30s. I'm wondering if there is a way for you to express your concerns.

 

I fully support activities done alone, with your partner and with friends. The problem that comes from that is when you spend too much time engaged in a hobby that doesn't include her or too much time with friends.

 

Good luck.

[lollipopspot]

The way I am reading in between the lines is that your GF isn't very pretty.... My guess is, the coworker is quite pretty. So she turns you on and makes you realize you want and deserve a pretty GF.

 

Does every guy deserve a pretty girlfriend, or just this guy? Where does that leave his current girlfriend, since guys deserve pretty women, and she isn't one? Do guys have to be equally handsome themselves to deserve pretty women, or do all guys just deserve them?

 

OP, it seems so clear to me that you ought best to break up. The sooner the better, so that you can both move on with your lives and find partners who you really want to be with, who want just as much to be with you.

[casey.lives]

I think not having the spark, not being physically attracted to the person and to have passively fallen into a relationship with random girl.. Sounds atrocious!!

OMG, i would never ever ever want a guy to stay with me out of pity or obligation!!! This is not a grass is greener thing. This is more of a "why are you dating someone for no reeeasssson..??!!" :/

[Arieswoman]

jtc123,

I have been where you are twice and I understand the quandry you are in.

 

If you are with a jolly nice person who thinks the world of you, doesn't do anything wrong, is really good marriage material but doesn't light your fire, it's a difficult situation.

 

The only difference between us is that I was in my 40's and the pressure to "settle" was really heavy for me. You are in your 20's and have a lot more time to find someone who truly meshes with you.

 

I finished with both the guys I mentioned and I know they were hurt. I felt awful about it both times but I knew I had to be fair to both of us.

 

If you feel as I did ( or more importantly don't feel) then you need to bite the bullet and tell her.

 

No-one wants to see you back here in 5 years time asking what you should do about the affair you're having because you don't fancy your SO any more

 

I'm sorry but there is no easy solution, but please do the right thing.

Good luck x

[lavenderlove]

However you do it please please be honest with her. Don't tell her a story to make it "easier". So for instance once she learns that you were on the fence all along she will learn what to watch out for for next time.

[Perrier]

QUOTE "For one thing, because her biological clock is ticking, I am feeling pressured to make a decision soon. I can't really see myself happily married to her,

 

...due to a lack of physical attraction and the age gap.

 

Since then, I have gone through maddening waves of wanting to stay in the relationship and wanting to leave.

 

There is a female co-worker who is closer to my age who I have developed a fair bit of infatuation for..." QUOTE

 

OP you mentioned the age gap twice. Your age gap will not change. It is up to you to accept that or leave.

 

Feeling pressured to make a decision because gf’s clock is ticking is reason to let her go, especially after everything else you’ve said. Sounds like you swindled yourself into your r’ship and are staying out of obligation. You sound too ‘meh’ about her. Since you’re constantly swinging between staying or going, you know the answer.

 

Good luck. It will not be easy.

[Sunshine2016]

Hi. I am posting here for the first time because I'm having some personal conflicts with regard to my current relationship. It's somewhat long, so I would appreciate your taking the time to read it.

 

I'm a male (26) and I have been with my girlfriend (34) for 3 years. This is the one and only serious relationship I've ever been in. We have been living together for a couple years. On paper everything is great, we seldom have arguments, there is mutual respect, compromise, appropriate balance of finances and housework etc. Sex life is okay but could be better (it lacks spontaneity and frequency).

 

We met at my former job about four years ago and hit it off as friends fairly quickly. She was easy to talk to, fun to hang out with, and we generally had common interests and beliefs. HOWEVER, I really didn't see anything more than a platonic friendship at the time due to a lack of physical attraction and the age gap. After awhile she started dropping not-so-subtle hints that she was into me. I resisted as I was not interested at the time. However, the more we hung out, I actually started to develop some sexual interest in her, as I think I was strongly attracted to her personality, and how easy she was to be around. Long story short, one night, after a couple beers (I feel this is an important detail) I confessed my changed outlook on our relationship and we started dating.

 

Since then, I have gone through maddening waves of wanting to stay in the relationship and wanting to leave. I have days when I truly enjoy her company and others when I find our relationship dull. One major complaint I have had all along, is that she is moderately clingy - to the point where in can often feel stifling. I have very few outside friends and I think her general insistence that we do EVERYTHING together is a part of the problem. I don't have many opportunities to make new friends. Sometimes I feel lonely, despite having such a loving partner.

 

Now there is a catalyst for this post: I have been at my current job for a couple years now. There is a female coworker who is closer to my age who I have developed a fair bit of infatuation for. I will say that she is also in a long-term-relationship and I have NO intention to act on this infatuation. I have no desire to cheat, nor to interfere with her relationship, let alone both of our jobs. However, we have been working closely together on a project lately and she totally brightens my day in a way my girlfriend does not. Her vitality is electric and she is absolutely beautiful to me. I get the sense that there is some interest on her end as well, but it could be all in my head. I know we at least enjoy each other's company.

 

This coworker is giving me a sense that I am settling. If there is one girl at work who can have this effect on me, maybe there are others out there who might be a better fit than my current relationship. But the grass is always greener, and all that, and it's hard to have a good bearing on this when it's your first serious relationship. I also don't have a lot of faith in my ability to get what I want when it comes to love. I have been plagued with a disappointing love-life in the past. I'll work on a girl only for her to run-off with some swole bro, leaving me high and dry. It has a poisonous effect, in that I often assume by default that a girl I feel a strong attraction for would never be interested in me. The fact that someone actually showed interest in me, is probably one of the key reasons I am in my current relationship.

 

So I need to defer to a neutral party, i.e. strangers on the internet. Am I crazy to be looking for more in a relationship with a girl who would make a totally awesome life-partner, but with whom I have never really felt a spark? For someone with not a lot of faith in his ability to woo the ladies, should I count my blessings? Are perfect relationships a fairy tale?

 

Bottom line: part of me would feel crazy leaving this relationship, because she is totally an awesome person who has shown nothing but love and support for me. The other part of me feels like I am missing out on being young and single, and meeting someone who makes me feel more lively. Furthermore, I have to consider how she would feel if she new how lukewarm I actually felt a lot of the time. It's not fair to string her along, but I can't bring myself to make a decision and act on it - hence my seeking for help.

 

I feel like an jerk even writing this but it's just an honest assessment of what I feel. I think I am so screwed up in the head at this point, I could use some third-party opinions to help clarify things. There's plenty more to it but I'll just leave it there for now.

 

Thanks!

 

 

I think it's a big mistake to compare your current girlfriend with the new girl. There's always a sense of novelty, excitement and mystery attached to new people. Based solely on the point of "sparks", if you were to enter into a new relationship with the new girl, how do you know you won't feel the same way ( bored and dull) after cohabiting together and dating for three years? Truth is stable, long-term relationships can get monotonous which can be interpreted as "dull" or "boring". People get into the routine, there's a lot of familiarity etc. I guess it all ties in with the grass is greener syndrome.

 

 

I don't think "lack of a spark" should form the basis of the dissolution of a good relationship IF the sparks can be revived, which is often the case of the parties are willing to try. That said, there are other issues you've highlighted and I suspect lack of attraction is one of them. It's unfair to lead her on, if within your heart, you know you're not going to marry her or be with her in the long term future.

 

Can your issues be worked on? Have you EVER felt a spark for her? Have you enjoyed passionate moments together? If so, these feelings can be revived. If the answer is no, then it's best to move on.

 

 

Best wishes.

[losangelena]

No offense OP, but I want to know why your GF has stuck around for so long in a dull relationship that a man who really isn't that into her? Are you really such a good actor that you don't think she can tell that the most you feel is "meh" for her?

 

I don't know. I feel like too many people rely too heavily on "sparks" and things that fade so quickly. Things like excitement and spontaneity don't just happen, they take effort from both parties, and I wonder what you've done to contribute those things to your relationship, or if you expect your GF to do all the work.

 

Break it off. It'll probably be the most exciting, spontaneous thing you've done in three years. Your GF deserves to be with someone who thinks the moon and stars revolve around her, not one who thinks she's the human equivalent of oatmeal—warm but bland.

[Ruby Slippers]

No offense OP, but I want to know why your GF has stuck around for so long in a dull relationship that a man who really isn't that into her? Are you really such a good actor that you don't think she can tell that the most you feel is "meh" for her?

I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds to me as though the OP's gf is kind of... desperate. Yes, he made a common guy mistake in getting involved with a girl he's lukewarm about because he was lonely and unable to snag a girl he was really into. But I think this is very common.

 

HOWEVER, I really didn't see anything more than a platonic friendship at the time due to a lack of physical attraction and the age gap. After awhile she started dropping not-so-subtle hints that she was into me. I resisted as I was not interested at the time. However, the more we hung out, I actually started to develop some sexual interest in her, as I think I was strongly attracted to her personality, and how easy she was to be around. Long story short, one night, after a couple beers (I feel this is an important detail) I confessed my changed outlook on our relationship and we started dating.

 

Since then, I have gone through maddening waves of wanting to stay in the relationship and wanting to leave. I have days when I truly enjoy her company and others when I find our relationship dull. One major complaint I have had all along, is that she is moderately clingy - to the point where in can often feel stifling. I have very few outside friends and I think her general insistence that we do EVERYTHING together is a part of the problem.

This woman pursued a younger man who showed no initial interest, then kept hanging out with and we can presume flirting with a man who continued to resist her advances. She agreed to date a man who only expressed interest in dating her after a considerable stretch of time and a few beers one night. Now that she's in the relationship, she's clingy and insists they do everything together.

 

So she chased him repeatedly, consented to date someone who only felt a spark of interest while tipsy, and smothers him in the relationship.

 

This thread is full of lessons for women about why it's a bad idea to pursue a man who seems lukewarm about you. I have never pursued a man who seems lukewarm about me for all these reasons - I would much rather be alone than be with a man who practically has to be bear-trapped and tied into dating me!

[losangelena]

I would much rather be alone than be with a man who practically has to be bear-trapped and tied into dating me!

 

I see your point and I agree to some extent. However, I will say that OP is not trapped or tied down. It's not like she's pregnant or there's a kid in the equation.

 

He's been free to say no from day one, and free to go all this time.

 

I've been reading all week on this board about how women are deemed responsible for x,y and z in relationships, and I just won't concede this one. OP has been on the fence from the beginning and has gone through bouts of wanting to break up with his GF because he's so bored, but he hasn't had the cajones to do it, and now he's wasted three of what could be her final reproductive years.

 

Yet instead of taking any of that into consideration—the fact that he sees no future with her—it wasn't until OP felt "infatuated" with another woman that he's been seriously considering ending it. If I were her I'd feel resentful, like he was acting cowardly and like he was selfish.

 

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to blame his GF for this.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to blame his GF for this.

No one is to blame. He made a mistake in moving in with a woman he wasn't that excited about. But she also made a mistake in moving in with a man who clearly wasn't that excited about her. I can excuse his behavior a little more because he's a 20-something guy with no prior dating experience, and she pursued him repeatedly, even though it was pretty clear he wasn't that interested.

 

I didn't like that you accused him of being "a good actor". I don't get the impression he has put on a false front here - more that she's ignoring a truth she doesn't want to face, but which should be pretty obvious.

 

I also think people are putting too much emphasis on his infatuation with this one girl. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. Everybody is tempted by other attractive people. But if you're really excited about the person you're with, that kind of temptation isn't so tempting.

 

But I totally agree with you that now that he's honestly confronted his feelings, it would be very unfair not to let her go as soon as possible so she can get on with her life.