How I stopped being an incel and got the girl naturally, without PUA tactics

[popcornpuff]

I had always believed that being an introvert was some sort of curse on my dating life. I just could not talk to girls. Most of the time I psyched myself out of doing so by telling myself excuses such as “she probably has a boyfriend” or “she would never be interested in me.” When I did occasionally work up the courage to actually talk to her, I could not keep the conversation going. I didn’t know how to keep it flirty or funny or interesting and they would invariably tell me that they had a boyfriend—even when I knew that they didn’t really. I used to be an incel. It’s not something I’m proud to admit.

 

Fast forward to today. I have the girl of my dreams as my girlfriend. She introduced me to her family and they love me. And I am planning on proposing to her soon…even though she doesn’t know it yet!

 

So, what changed? Here is the biggest factor for me that turned everything around.

 

And…before I go further, I want you to find a way to implement this into your life if you are currently struggling. Don’t just read it over and walk away whistling Yankee-Doodle. No lies, no excuses.

 

What changed for me was that I became okay with being single. I realized that I had not been looking for a “special someone”, I had just been looking for an “anyone” because I was so desperate not to be lonely. So, I gave myself permission to be single for a while. I accepted that it was completely ok to not have a girlfriend at that very moment. Mind you, I didn’t completely give up on the idea of being in a relationship; I was simply okay with not having one at this very moment.

 

I reconnected with old friends and spent more time with them. I took up my own hobbies and caught up on my books, animes, and video games. I talked to girls in a platonic sense without trying to hit on them or get their numbers. I improved myself for me, not for anyone else.

 

Doing this increased my confidence and allowed me to talk to both men and women more naturally, since I no longer had a secret agenda or was desperate to take them home. And when I did meet my girlfriend for the first time, I was able to talk to her and genuinely be okay no matter what the outcome was.

 

We grew closer over time and when I did end up asking her out, I would have been happy even if she had said no.

 

The fact that she said yes made it even better.

[johndoe2]

This seems like a variation of 'trick yourself into not wanting it, and you'll.'

 

While that is a valid approach, it is not the same as 'not wanting it.' Our wants are not things we can just turn off, as many of them (including the desires for both sex and pair-bonding) are embedded deeply in our brains.

 

So, I have a question for you: you say you met your girlfriend during this period of 'being okay with being single.' Would you, now, prefer that you had not met her and stayed single? Or are you glad you met her, and prefer your current situation? Or are you indifferent between the two? If you prefer being with your girlfriend to being single, then either you knew this before, and, on some deeper, more repressed level, you still preferred a potential relationship to your singleness. Or perhaps you genuinely did prefer singleness, and you were genuinely taken by surprise that you would prefer your current relationship to being single. But even so, doesn't this mean you were simply mistaken about your own nature? Like, I don't know, someone who thinks he doesn't like pistachios, and doesn't want to eat them, but then one day by happenstance eats a pistachio, and realizes he does like pistachios. But once he's had one, he can't convince himself that he doesn't like them; or even if he has reason to suspect he might like them, and wants to try them, can he really convince himself he doesn't like them, and would be content to live his whole life without ever trying a pistachio?

 

Because someone who is genuinely content without something would turn down that something once it's offered to him. The distinction here may be between the monk who abstains on principle, and the boxer who abstains the night before a fight because it's a good strategy.

 

In any event, whether your way of doing things actually 'works' is difficult to tell; all the anecdotes are there, but the problem is confirmation bias. After all, maybe for every one of you, there are two or three who engaged in this kind of variation of the Buddhist notion of upekkha, and never met anyone, and therefore of course never went on the internet and said "hey, guess what! I embraced indefinite singleness, and guess what... I'm still single!" Or, alternatively, turned 50 one day and thought 'hmm, I wish I'd tried harder.' I'm not sure which is more common, but I know a few people, both genders, who focused on things other than romance, usually work, and ended up of course with successful careers, excellent reputations, cultured and worldly intellects, and are going into middle age still single wondering if they had the right priorities. Maybe the other side of the story.

 

Anyhow, just thought I'd throw that out there. I will add that for some people, speaking from personal experience, everything one has, and has accomplished, was gained through active effort, persistence, and making sound decisions, so just wait and see and let things go as they may and embrace it one way or the other, arouses suspicion. Also it seems clear that dating gets a lot harder the older one gets, so I'm personally not sure I could just 'let go' and not escape the idea that every day that passes is a missed opportunity; every year that goes by, the prospects get dimmer and dimmer. It's impossible not to see the clock ticking. 'Am I content to have this, and only this, not just this moment, but from now till the end of my days?' Not an easy question to say yes to.

[truthtripper]

Johndoe2, what a coincidence! I've always likened my boyfriend to a pistachio nut!

[johndoe2]

Johndoe2, what a coincidence! I've always likened my boyfriend to a pistachio nut!

Hmm, well I recently discovered I like pistachios, after 20 some years of never having one. I suppose this means I would get along with your boyfriend? haha.