Is it possible to purposely sabotage your relationship???

[sweetpea01]

I think I might subconsciously be trying to end my relationship. It's good right now, but I was cheated on by him in the past. Same old story...we broke up...got back together...worked on things, and things have been great! The cheating was around 2 years ago. I mean, we get along perfectly now...and we are so complementary. BUT, I have started to pick at anything and everything. I complain that the sex was like this, or he doesnt listen to me when i talk, or he is selfish. I always have SOMETHING to bit*h about! Even if things are good, I will purposely go and find some new fact about the cheating I didnt know, and throw it at him. Even if we don't fight about the cheating, I will create some big fight, and then I'll need a break without him for a few days. He wonders why I can't let a whole day go by....

 

At first I just thought that he really annoys me...but I think I might be doing this on purpose? Maybe its my way of creating distance? I don't know...I wish I would stop. But all I seem to see are things he is doing wrong!

 

 

Sweetpea

[ConfusedInOC]

Not a psychologist, but I don't think anyone ever forgets about a mate cheating on them. You might be subconciously trying to end the relationship...or you might be getting complacent with each other.

[sweetpea01]

A friend of mine told me that cheating was sorta like a broken arm. It stings at first, and then over time, it hurts like hell. So...maybe I thought I was over it, but all this time I've just been building up anger and resentment? He is IMing me right now saying he doesnt know what is happening with us... I wish I knew.

 

Sweetpea

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by sweetpea01

A friend of mine told me that cheating was sorta like a broken arm. It stings at first, and then over time, it hurts like hell. So...maybe I thought I was over it, but all this time I've just been building up anger and resentment? He is IMing me right now saying he doesnt know what is happening with us... I wish I knew.

 

Sweetpea

 

Have you fully forgiven him? You will never forget but the sting will go away over time. If you haven't fully forgiven him than it could be building up in your mind and bothering you.

 

Will talking to him fix it?! Have you discussed the cheating much over the last 2 years?

[Tony]

If either consciously or subconsciously you do things to screw up a relationship you value and consider worthwhile, your next step should be to seek the counsel of an excellent psychologist. Yes, there are many reasons why people do this...fear being the biggest...but you can eternally regret such actions and repeat them for a lifetime unless you get help.

[sweetpea01]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

Have you fully forgiven him? You will never forget but the sting will go away over time. If you haven't fully forgiven him than it could be building up in your mind and bothering you.

 

Will talking to him fix it?! Have you discussed the cheating much over the last 2 years?

 

There isn't a day that we DON'T talk about it really. I don't know if I've fully forgiven him...more a work in progress.... I don't know what fully forgiving means, seeing that I can't ever forget it.

 

I'm not afraid he'll do it again, he has worked hard to become more trustworthy in my eyes...but maybe I am not the forgiving type at all. I haven't ever cheated...I can't put myself in his shoes, because if push came to shove, I wouldnt cheat. And I know that, because I have been tempted, and I have done the right thing.

 

Maybe any mistake he makes hits me 10 times harder because I feel I'm all out of forgiveness...I don't know, but it's just getting really messy. He says I have no patience anymore. That he walks on eggshells....not good.

 

SP

[sweetpea01]

Originally posted by Tony

If either consciously or subconsciously you do things to screw up a relationship you value and consider worthwhile, your next step should be to seek the counsel of an excellent psychologist. Yes, there are many reasons why people do this...fear being the biggest...but you can eternally regret such actions and repeat them for a lifetime unless you get help.

 

You are most certainly the first person ever to tell me I needed a shrink! I don't know if I am fearful...definitely a possibility. I don't feel like he'll do it again. I still do get angry though - things still remind me of it - and sometimes I do wonder why I stuck around.

 

 

SP

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by sweetpea01

There isn't a day that we DON'T talk about it really. I don't know if I've fully forgiven him...more a work in progress.... I don't know what fully forgiving means, seeing that I can't ever forget it.

 

Ugh. That's a bad sign. You both are fixated on it. You will never forget it, but if you can't fully forgive him for it, then your relationship will slowly wither away.

 

My ex cheated on me and I think the fact that I never forgot (I forgave her) really was a problem in our relationship. She tends to run from problems instead of addressing them head on. I think every time she looked at me she had guilt in her eyes. It's easier to move to a new guy where she doesn't have to address that problem anymore than face a lifetime of looking me in the eye.

 

I'm not afraid he'll do it again, he has worked hard to become more trustworthy in my eyes...but maybe I am not the forgiving type at all. I haven't ever cheated...I can't put myself in his shoes, because if push came to shove, I wouldnt cheat. And I know that, because I have been tempted, and I have done the right thing.

 

Well, if you are holding him accountable to your standards, then he'll never recover completely in your eyes.

 

Maybe any mistake he makes hits me 10 times harder because I feel I'm all out of forgiveness...I don't know, but it's just getting really messy. He says I have no patience anymore. That he walks on eggshells....not good.

 

Why are you out of forgiveness? Do you have to re-forgive him every day? If so, that's definitely a drain on the psyche. When you look him in the eyes, do you see "GUILTY! CHEATER!" or do you see someone who genuinely loves you and is remorseful. If you can't forgive him completely, once and for all, then you need to let him go to be with someone who won't put him on trial every day. And really, that might be what you are doing.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to say what he did was right. But if you are a Christian, God does say you must forgive. Because if you can't forgive your relationship will never be in harmony. Note that God does not say you must FORGET. But he's shown he is remorseful, has done everything you asked of him and frankly, he's been putting up with you nitpicking on him since then. AND you won't stop talking about.

 

I agree. Either go to counseling or end the relationship. If you love him and you think the relationship is worth saving, then go see what counseling can do. If not, you know the only choice you have left.

[LuckyC]

I'm in a similar situation as you. My husband cheated on me 4 years ago (then boyfriend) with the mother of his child. I still have to be reminded b/c they share a child together. He regrets what he did. He made a 360 and try to reassure me everytime how faithful and honest he's being with me. I believe he is being faithful or I wouldn't have married him. Every once in a while, something would remind me of him cheating on me and I would say really mean things. I remind him how much of a low life he was on what he did. I remind him how he use to lie to me or how he made me feel bad when I was suspicious of things. I remind him how he told me numerous of times not to cheat on him when he was doing it all along. He's told me how much he hated himself for hurting me the way he did. He's told me he didn't like the man he was. He's asked how long will it take for me to forgive him. I've told him I have forgiven him but I can't seem to forget. He's told me it seems like I'm waiting for him to make mistake and to have some excuse to end the relationship. I use to love him like crazy and when he cheated on me even though he's a different man my love hasn't been the same. I don't seem to care to try and make him happy like I did before. I keep feeling like he owes me and I owe him nothing because when I gave so much of myself he crushed it. I'm making us both miserable. Sometimes things can't always work on their own. My husband and I are finally taking the next step which is counseling. This is going to be the breaking point of where we're going to go in our relationship. All I know right now is it's not fair for both of us to be unhappy. He damaged the past and I'm hurting the present so what will happen to our future? If the 2 of you want to work things out, what will take to make things right?

[sweetpea01]

LUCKYC: Wow...you pretty much nailed it! That's exactly what we go through with our relationship. We are not married though - and wondering if I cannot get over it is what prevents us from taking the next step. I don't want to be having a cheating flashback on my wedding day!

 

Anyway, he tells me he is a different person, he hates that person he used to be, hates himself for cheating on me, will NEVER ever do it again...

 

I know he isn't cheating now. And I know he has changed. His whole lifestlye has changed, and I think he is more relationship material now than he ever was. It's just the cheating a few years ago that lingers.

 

I have told him that we probably need a break. And that I'm n ot closing the door - but am willing to see if we end up back in each other's arms again. I am moving for other reasons, so we thought it would be a good time to do some exploring...

 

I am open to counseling too. I told him if we got engaged, that we would have to see a counselor first because i want these issues back and put away before starting a new life with him.

 

It is really hard...so LUCKYC, good luck to you.

 

SP

[LuckyC]

You're scarred from what happened. In the back of your mind the thought will always be there. Getting engaged and getting married won't put that thought away. How much of that thought is going to control your relationship is the question you should ask yourself. If you marry him, you go with the knowledge of what he did in the past (and hopefully the cheating stays in the past) and take a leap of faith that your marriage would work. I believe if I work on my anger that I have towards my husband things can work out beautifully. I need to try. We've been married for almost a year and I can't continue being this way. I won't have kids unless I'm happy and let's say I did have a kid I don't want the child to be expose to the yelling and anger. It's not right. Does your boyfriend agree to you moving out also? That's a huge step you're taking.