Girlfriend's close guy friend. When is it too much?

[Chikibro]

Cliffs at end, but I’ll try to keep it short.

 

 

 

I have been with my g/f for approximately 4 yrs, we currently live together. About a year ago an issue surfaced with her guy friend, we’ll call him Nick, who lives in her hometown approximately 7 hrs away from us. The 3 years prior in our relationship I knew of Nick, met him once, but never really heard my g/f speak of him in any lengthy or significant way.

 

Nick and my g/f’s relationship predate me, they met in HS dated very briefly, they kissed and it was over. I know at times she has leaned on him during previous break-ups and vice versa. As far as I know they have not slept together (sex) but there was one instance in which they describe could have been awkward if someone made a move as she slept over at his place in his bed some years ago.

 

I am in my early thirties and her mid-twenties. It should be mentioned that I was married previously for some time, a marriage that fell victim to an affair, not mine, but my ex-wife’s, a co-worker of hers.

 

 

 

Now onto the issue, about a year ago I stumbled across a flurry of texts on my phone bill, about a 100-200 texts per day to her friend Nick. Initially I thought nothing of it, just catching up I thought, but something bothered me about it b/c she never brought it up in our conversations, which I thought was odd. When I did bring it up and that it kind of concerned me a bit due to the fact that she failed to mention it, we both kind of brushed the issue off; she said she would dial it back some and it seemed to subside.

 

 

 

Recently though my g/f has been making trips back to her hometown for personal family reasons that are legit. Sometimes I am able to go and sometimes I am not. As far as I know they always hang out in groups together, never 1 on 1, as she knows that would make me uncomfortable. But he has tried to on a few occasions to meet her 1 on 1.

 

 

 

I had assumed she had dialed back communication with Nick but I found out they now have been connecting through facebook. I found this out b/c I inadvertently stumbled across messages on our computer which was left open and it was literally hundreds of messages a day from the time she got up till the time she got home from work. Most of the messages were benign in nature, but some of it had a flirty undertone to me, personal issues, and sometimes joking sexual comments.

 

 

 

I’ll be honest when I found it; it immediately made me think back to my ex-wife, and how her emotional affair turned physical affair started, as they too started off as just friends.

 

 

 

I asked my g/f about the messages and told her how I felt about the issue. I certainly understand that they have been friends for a long long time, but the day to day constant contact made me feel uncomfortable and not completely safe with in the relationship.

 

 

 

Now I’m a pretty laid back guy, but I felt the issue was important enough to us seek help in a 3rd party counselor, which at the time I felt really helped our communication on the issue.

 

 

 

The problem is, the issue will die down shortly and arise again. She’ll scale back contact with him, then amp it up when I guess things are going good between us.

 

 

 

Kind of at a loss right now as this wasn’t even on our radar 3 yrs ago, my g/f keeps talking marriage to me, so I don’t doubt that she does in fact love me, but I don’t know if I can go through with such a thing if a third party (Nick) is going to be so involved in her life or our lives, to me it’s border line EA.

 

 

 

Tl;dr

 

G/f has long time friend whom she briefly dated, they talk to each other hours every day.

[d0nnivain]

How does she have time in her day to do anything other than message him? Gesh.

 

The volume seems out of control to me. One flirty test once in a while between a old friends, ah . . .nothing to get too over wroght about especially since he's 7 hours away but this is much more than that.

 

I would definitely talk to her. Express your concerns & ask er to dial it back. See what she says. A person who is committed to your relationship will put your feelings 1st.

[qubist]

Communication is the key, you have the right to be concerned, jeolousy is natural and if you fight it you will loose, that's a fact, however you should act upon it.

my g/f keeps talking marriage to me, so I don’t doubt that she does in fact love me, but I don’t know if I can go through with such a thing if a third party (Nick) is going to be so involved in her life or our lives, to me it’s border line EA.

.

next time she talks about marriage, you should be frank and tell her your concern, do not accuse her or attack her as this will only make matters worst, just talk to her nicely about how uncomfortable you are about her "friendship" with this guy and that you need more assurance. do not forget to talk about the fact that she would dial the contact with him down when you are mad before she resume her contact.

if you put it in a nice way, and if she really loves you, this would be solved.

[kendahke]

I'd stop talk of marriage.

 

You bring the issue up to her, she says she'll dial it back, but then once you're lulled into a stupor, she's back at it, fast and furious. That's called lying. Her friendship with Nick is more important her than your comfort with her activities.

 

You can best believe that Nick ain't going anywhere, so you're going to have to find a way to tolerate him if you're going to be with her or cut her loose so she can blow up Nick's phone to her heart's content.

 

I wouldn't marry anyone whose loyalties were that divided. You'll always be their 3rd wheel--Nick isn't your 3rd wheel.

[Chikibro]

How does she have time in her day to do anything other than message him? Gesh.

 

 

 

 

Yeah no idea. It definitely affected how much her and I communicated and the depths of those convos.

 

 

 

 

 

 

next time she talks about marriage, you should be frank and tell her your concern, do not accuse her or attack her as this will only make matters worst, just talk to her nicely about how uncomfortable you are about her "friendship" with this guy

 

 

 

Like I said I'm a pretty laid back guy. I don't get mad or yell. Why I sought out a 3rd party counselor bc she gets so defensive on the issue.

 

 

I'd stop talk of marriage.

 

You bring the issue up to her, she says she'll dial it back, but then once you're lulled into a stupor, she's back at it, fast and furious. That's called lying. Her friendship with Nick is more important her than your comfort with her activities.

 

You can best believe that Nick ain't going anywhere, so you're going to have to find a way to tolerate him if you're going to be with her or cut her loose so she can blow up Nick's phone to her heart's content.

 

I wouldn't marry anyone whose loyalties were that divided. You'll always be their 3rd wheel--Nick isn't your 3rd wheel.

 

 

 

Pretty much sums up how I feel about it. Is this something I want to live with forever. Honestly I've been waiting till he just finds another girlfriend, but it's been a few years since he has been involved with anyone serious. Which just to me further aggravates the situation or makes me think he is finally realizing time is running out for him so it's just a last ditch effort.

[Space Ritual]

OP,

 

You have been together for 4 years.....Your GF is comfortable enough with you now that she does not view you in the same lustful manner she did when you were first dating. It is stock in trade of long term relationships.

 

She is complacent. Obviously she loves that you provide her some sense of stability and security. She views Nick as her "Special Friend". Which means she loves the feelings that he generates in her.

 

She is talking marriage for the security that you represent. She keeps her relationship with Nick for the Ego Kibbles he throws at her. See, she already knows you love her. You have been telling her that for years so that does not quite have the same Unicorns and Rainbows feel it once did

 

There is no Borderline EA....It IS an EA in a best case scenario. I doubt very highly after all this time, especially with the volume of communication that they have between them on a daily basis that they are talking about Politics or current events. I would be willing to bet Nick knows more about your relationship than you do. Your GF uses him as a sounding board, then he can stroke her ego, probably taking little digs at you while she wistfully laughs and agrees, all the while talking smack about you behind your back.

 

Obviously your gut is screaming at you that something is amiss.

 

And it is....

 

Your GF loves that you love her..and that's about the extent of her love for you

 

Get rid of her or you'll be sorry. Nick is not going away. You'll be marrying both of them if you take this step.

[Diezel]

If she's reminding you of your ex-wife, it's time to move on.

[Vercetti]

My ex acted rather the same way. She wouldn't have these interactions in frunt of you. She amps them up knowing you don't like. All this for her to boost her ego with someone that hasn't done Jack yet exist from high school.

 

Hate to say, just a girl that's really into you isn't going to risk the future and relationship...to chat about the past with a high school buddy. She does not strike me as that mature. Perhaps find someone in the here and now with you, not a girl that gossips about you with a high school fling.

 

He predates you, so he has some sort of right to impose on your potential wife's life forever? If girlfriend can't act like a wife before it's legal, why would she change over a scrap of paper. Forsake all others, yet will talk to another man behind your back all day.

[bubbaganoosh]

Go with your gut. You feel that something is off then it probably is.

 

I can promise you that if the table was turned and you had a female friend in constant communication with you, then bet the house she wouldn't be real happy about it and would have voiced her opinion on it.

 

Just remember when there's three in a relationship it doesn't work and never will. If this bothers you then stop being so laid back and let her know that there will be no talk of marriage until this is resolved and if it can't then move on.

[salparadise]

This is exactly why I try to date women who have female friends. There is something way out of balance about this situation.

 

Nobody wants that awful, nauseous, nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach that he's sharing his wife's attentions with another man... that intimate details are being revealed to a guy who might be an opportunist and bang her if he got the chance. At the very least he's serving as an emotional outlet that siphons away energy and detracts from the couple's relationship. It's a triangle, even if it's not sexual.

 

The fact that you've talked to her about it multiple time and it continues to recur is more than a little bit concerning. My thinking is that it's time to quit talking and communicate through action... like backing away such that it becomes apparent to her that she's putting the relationship on the line.

 

Of course that does nothing to ensure that she won't just slow down temporarily and resume again later. I guess the bottom line is that you're going to have to decide if you're willing to continue being in a triangle with her and Nick, and if not then tough choices may have to be made. If you're at that point, then just tell her that you've made a decision... you're not going to be in a three-way relationship with Nick or any other guy.

[smackie9]

You need to go to the source of the issue....HIM. You need to set boundaries because obviously she hasn't brought this up with him. Maybe suggest he find himself his own GF.

[kendahke]

She's the source of this. OP's not in a relationship with Nick. For all Nick knows, she's been telling him that OP is fine with their level of communication.

 

She's the problem, not Nick.

[road]

Simple GF goes NC with old friend or OP goes NC with the GF.

[Chikibro]

Thank you for all the replies, a lot of really good points and some things for me to think about.

 

 

 

I’ve been meaning to update, but have been so busy as of late.

 

 

 

Honestly I do not know what I am going to do; I just need a place to vent for now.

 

 

 

But I agree with all of you, if I were not the OP, my responses would be very similar to those that you all have given me.

 

 

 

We’ve had a few more discussions on it and another one with our counselor. Basically all reaffirming the idea that the constant contact is an issue with me and me not being made aware of the contact is also an issue, as I just want to be kept in the loop like I do with her.

 

 

 

From her pov: He is just a friend, though she agrees that the contact has never been this heavy in the past or this regular. He is often the one that reaches out to her on a day to day basis.

 

 

 

All of this is making me detest social media though, as he solely exists through FB.

 

 

 

Something recent happened where he commented on a picture I posted of her and followed up with adding his own picture of her in the comments that apparently she sent him?

 

 

 

Now to her this was no big deal………..and my response was how many times do you see me adding my own picture of other people’s girlfriends when their boyfriend posts a picture of them? I just thought it was weird b/c I would never think to do that. Couldn’t help but feel he was just trying to 1 up me somehow.

 

 

 

Perhaps it would be a different situation if we were all good friends or mutual friends on FB, but we aren’t…….

 

 

 

The kicker?

 

 

 

She’s been deleting their conversations every time they talk “in fear that I was reading them since I stumbled on them before”

 

 

 

I don’t even know where to begin with that one.

 

 

 

Thx for listening.

[Spectre]

I think you need to get rid of this girl. First off..the amount of messages alone is enough to dump her for. She doesn't need to be talking to some "friend" that much, every single day.

 

I would dump her, but if you want to stay with her you need to tell her either she completely cuts this other guy out of her life..or she completely cuts you out of her life.

 

At the very least it would be a way of testing the waters. Bring up her cutting this guy out of her life and see how she responds.

[autumnnight]

Grown women who are honest and not naive know that once you have a partner/BF then your best guy buddy/cuddlebunny/BFF blah blah.....goes away. Or at least becomes a far and distance 2nd.

 

Any woman who DOES still have a male BFF she texts hundreds of times of day is either lying or so naive that she doesn't have the necessary boundaries not to eventually screw up.

 

Women under 25 will argue with that. Women with life experience will agree.

 

The fact that she lies to you is just proof of what bad idea it is.

[harrybrown]

So would she be ok if the situation were reversed?

 

You have told her this is a problem and now she is deleting the information?

 

Do not marry her. Do not have kids with her.

 

It is time that she picks one of you and only one. So if she doesn't stop, it is time for you to have her move back home to be with him.

 

Tell her thanks for letting you know that she values his relationship more than the one with you, because she is hiding things from you.

 

Would she be okay if you decided to have someone over to sleep with you?

 

You can not know that she has not been sleeping with him. She has to prove to you that she never did.

 

Time to move on.

[Chikibro]

Essentially what it comes down to.

 

She's going to have to cut him out of her life.

 

Will see if it holds up.

 

Just surprised this has turned into such a big issue as we have never had any issues before.

[kendahke]

You're still dealing with this person with divided loyalty?

 

You're wasting time and youth behind a liar.

 

If she is deleting conversations, then that means she has absolutely no intention on cutting Nick out of her life. IOW: Nick > you.

 

So it looks like you need to find some kind of way to be quiet and content while she does her own thing.

 

Or

 

Bounce. But the updates that dont' update anything really? I guess...

Edited September 28, 2015 by kendahke

[smackie9]

Well as they say, if they have to hide things or keep it a secret, that means they shouldn't be doing it. I wish you well.

[lolablue17]

It's way more than just a "guy friend". Now, after some time has past, here is the issue:

 

It bothers you, you feel bad about it, You're hurt. That's a fact, no matter why. Now, if a Gf notices for a long time that she hurts her Bf, and she does not change some real changes in that matter - There's your problem. it's a huge problem.

 

Her deleting their texts, it's a good example how this is all twisted and wrong. She thinks that it's Ok to delete because it's not Ok to her private conversations. She's right, by the way, but this issue makes you be doing things you shouldn't do, her doing thing she shouldn't do... You see?

 

It ruins your R. Considering the long time that has past without any major changes, I think it's time to act.

 

NEVER NEVER NEVER give her an ultimatum. Don't demand. You have no right to demand. If you demand her, you show that you're weak. Don't!

 

Tell her that you see now more than ever that this thing damages your relationship. Tell her that it makes you and her go to the wrong direction. Tell her that you don't demand anything, but you don't know what to do, because you're really worried about what will become of you too, because of that.

 

That's it. After that wait for a while. If she does not make any MAJOR change, you should take responsibility and leave. Then, it will be too late for her to change. If you leave and then she agrees to cut him, don't be tempted to accept that. decisions that are made out of ultimatums don't last.

[Spectre]

Don't make a demand, just tell her that certain behavior simply won't be tolerated in the relationship anymore and if it persists the relationship will be over. I'm guessing she is not going to put up with that easily and will probably go to the cliché route of accusing you of being controlling and not trusting her.

 

Which is honestly why I say walk away. Even if she says she will cut the guy out of her life? The amount of messages they have been sending everyday is just impractical for someone she could easily cut out of your life. She won't cut the guy out, she'll just come up with sneakier ways to talk to him. She now knows how you found out in the first place and has already told you she has taken to changing her behavior(deleting messages) because of that.

 

Notice how her deleting the messages so you couldn't see them was the preferred choice, as opposed to just not talking to the guy?

[Winterina]

She is clearly more into Nick than she should be if he were just a friend. Do not marry her before you are sure she had given up on him and understood the seriousness of the situation.

 

For those guys that prefer women who had no guy friends:

I have male friends. None of them are kissy and huggy and intimate type of friends. They are my buddies, always been. They do not intrude into my relationship. I would not let them if they ever lost their mind and tried, and would cut them off. They are friends with my bf.

 

I have an ex who is a friend and as such always more intimate than just a friend. I told my bf right at the start that if my contact (which was open for him to see, no deleted messages etc) bothered him, I would cut my ex off. I would not want my bf to feel anxious about anyone. I never talked with my ex about my relationship problems. Cutting this ex off would be very hard for me and I would feel like s*** because the guy was there when I needed a friend in life, for big things, he came through and helped me out without expecting anything in return (if for no other reason, by the fact that he lives on another continent). But if my bf asked me to, or showed any discomfort with our contact, I would have to make that choice. Even though there is no interest on either side to be together ever again with my ex. Just the way things are in life. You cannot have everything and you have to make tough choices and sacrifice.

If you try being good to everyone, you will end up being good to no one.

[Spectre]

She is clearly more into Nick than she should be if he were just a friend. Do not marry her before you are sure she had given up on him and understood the seriousness of the situation.

 

For those guys that prefer women who had no guy friends:

I have male friends. None of them are kissy and huggy and intimate type of friends. They are my buddies, always been. They do not intrude into my relationship. I would not let them if they ever lost their mind and tried, and would cut them off. They are friends with my bf.

 

I have an ex who is a friend and as such always more intimate than just a friend. I told my bf right at the start that if my contact (which was open for him to see, no deleted messages etc) bothered him, I would cut my ex off. I would not want my bf to feel anxious about anyone. I never talked with my ex about my relationship problems. Cutting this ex off would be very hard for me and I would feel like s*** because the guy was there when I needed a friend in life, for big things, he came through and helped me out without expecting anything in return (if for no other reason, by the fact that he lives on another continent). But if my bf asked me to, or showed any discomfort with our contact, I would have to make that choice. Even though there is no interest on either side to be together ever again with my ex. Just the way things are in life. You cannot have everything and you have to make tough choices and sacrifice.

If you try being good to everyone, you will end up being good to no one.

 

This is 100% how situations like this should be handled. A significant other should always come before any friends that are members of the opposite sex.. I don't even care if they've been besties since the were 3 Dawson and Joey style.

 

Since you hit the nail on the head..because he is an ex it IS more intimate. I wish more women would recognize this.

[Space Ritual]

Essentially what it comes down to.

 

She's going to have to cut him out of her life.

 

Will see if it holds up.

 

Just surprised this has turned into such a big issue as we have never had any issues before.

 

Why should any of this surprise you?

 

If you had followed our advice on 26 August you would not find yourself spinning your wheels in the exact same place over a month later.

 

This snowballed into a big issue because you did not act with decisiveness. If someone can tell you aren't screwing around when it comes to consequences then they have an incentive to modify their behavior. When they have no incentive, then they will continue doing what they are doing until they actually face some real ones.

 

Give up on this trollop. Her actions scream that she has lost all respect for you.

 

and Goggle "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and read it. If anyone needs to read it, it's you.