At My Tipping Point

[chief87]

I've been in a long distance relationship now for 7 months, been together for 2 years. My girlfriend is originally from the same town as me in Illinois, but she got into a work program and ended up taking a job in California with the understanding that she would move closer to home within 2 years. It seems like things are changing.. now she's wanting me to drop everything I have at home and move to California. Both of us have all of our family here, friends, I have a house, and make a very nice living in an area that is very cheap. Which is completely different than CA, she has no family or friends, and she's paying nearly 3 times in rent as what I pay on a mortgage. I just can't get myself to ever consider moving there and this LDR has been incredibly hard on both of us.

 

A lot of people tell me I need to move on and not to settle, but yet they don't know how I feel. I just don't know what to do anymore? I hate to lose her, but not knowing when this distance will end has me sick. Am I wrong for not wanting to move? I've come up with the idea of eventually both of us moving to a new city that has a cheaper cost of living and doing so at a better point in my career. I feel like if I left what I'm doing now it would really hurt my career/resume, I'm very close to being promoted from my current controller position to GM.. Anybody else been I a predicament like this?

[emi]

In a LDR, eventually there will need some sort of sacrafice and alot of consideration whats better in a long run.

I think you have a point, but what did she say when she want you to move to CA?

She should have a probable explanation and beside, do you plan to get married?

Its a difference between sacrafice for a spouse and risking for a relationship that may crash and burn

[LoveIsMyReligion]

If you move it shouldn't be 100% because of her, otherwise you will always resent her in the back of your mind.

 

I would either make the decision that you want to try new things or tell her no you want to stay put.

 

You are correct however, without any plans to live close to one another the LDR thing is going to get harder and harder on both of you.

[madjac74]

Sounds like she is in a romance with California rather than you.

[d0nnivain]

For awhile you two walked the path of life together. Since she moved, her path changed. Stay where you are. Wish her well & continue you on your journey.

[Morro72]

Sounds like you've got a great career going. You're not married or even engaged to this person and she, who left you - let me emphasize that, she LEFT you - to take an entry-level job 2000 miles away, wants you to drop everything - literally, everything about your life - to join her. Why you're even considering doing so is beyond me.

 

BTW, California is one of these places that seems great when you're a tourist - which, at 7 months, she still is - but which is much less desirable when you actually have to live a life there, unless you're rich. We have a bunch of friends and relatives out there. The ones who are loaded, are very happy. The ones who are what in the midwest would be considered very comfortable, are miserable.

[chief87]

Sounds like you've got a great career going. You're not married or even engaged to this person and she, who left you - let me emphasize that, she LEFT you - to take an entry-level job 2000 miles away, wants you to drop everything - literally, everything about your life - to join her. Why you're even considering doing so is beyond me.

 

BTW, California is one of these places that seems great when you're a tourist - which, at 7 months, she still is - but which is much less desirable when you actually have to live a life there, unless you're rich. We have a bunch of friends and relatives out there. The ones who are loaded, are very happy. The ones who are what in the midwest would be considered very comfortable, are miserable.

 

I agree. And I'm really not even considering it. I told her im not moving out there. I like California but I think it would be a huge risk. I feel like I'm doing well here and have my loved ones here (as does she)... What if I move and it didn't work? It would be a huge loss for me. I think the only solution is to be done at this point, I'm really tired of this roller coaster ride.

[Els]

I don't live in the US - how far is Illinois from California?

 

Anyway, I think it seems like basic incompatibility at this stage. She and you have different ideals as to where would be best to live in. I can understand both sides of the argument - cheaper towns are great for saving money, but there is usually a reason why they are cheaper to live in. After all, prices are all about supply and demand.

 

If the two of you can't meet halfway via compromise, and continuing on in a LDR seems unfeasible, then it's probably best to call it quits. I wouldn't necessarily fault her for moving to California and wanting to stay there, though. Just as you have to do what feels best for you, she has to do what feels best for her. Perhaps she would be miserable if she moved back to Illinois, too. You're not wrong at all for not wanting to move, but neither is she.

Edited September 2, 2015 by Elswyth

[oldshirt]

Here is a fact of life. As a man, if you have a good career, a good house in a good area, are a decent person and are generally happy with life and are healthy and well adjusted - you'll have women in your life. (assuming you aren't 100lbs overweight or have nonexistent hygiene etc)

 

 

If this particular one doesn't want to fit into your world, there are others that will.

 

 

If you are uprooted and in an unstable environment and an iffy job and are having housing issues and are generally not at peace with your life, women will be a challenge and won't have any where near the options.

 

 

For a woman it's a little different. If a woman is young and good looking, she'll have all the men she'll ever need.

 

 

Whether she has a good career or not impacts her lifestyle but not really her options or opportunities with men.

 

 

So bottom line here is you are in an environment where you have a good career, a good home in a good location, a social network of good friends and family and are generally happy in life - you'll have lots of options with other women and she is replaceable.

 

 

If you move to join her, you'll be destabilized and in a weaker position and likely a lesser job and lesser home and lesser social status and less family and social support and if she gives you the boot or the relationship doesn't work out, you'll be hosed.

 

 

This is going to sound very sexist and maybe it is, but as a man the key to relationship success is finding a woman that wants to be part of your world. Not you making concessions to try to fit into her world.

[O'Malley]

You can love someone, but love your current lifestyle more. Those feelings aren't selfish or inconsequential.

 

One of the biggest mistakes anyone can do is move for the sake of preserving a relationship, especially since you already believe that it would be detrimental to your family relationships, career, and finances. I'd try to avoid resentment or recriminations, you can still love each other as friends but accept that the relationship has come to a crossroads.

[chief87]

Thanks for the responses everyone. She was home this past weekend. Had a great weekend together. The last day she was here we talked everything through and decided it was best if we broke up with the understanding that if she was back in the area that we might give it another go. We said our goodbyes and told each other we loved each other. Still talking at this point but with a lot less pressure on me. I feel like I can live my life again without the worry. Still hard to let her go but it was time.