partner losing interest in me

[welovetolove]

So here i am currently in a relationship almost 8 yrs old with my hopefully soon to be wife and im starting to feel a certain way. We have two kids one is turing 6 next weekend and the other is one Nd a couple of months. As of recently me and my soon to be have been arguing alot about us not being into each other any more. Mostly shes had a problem with me not paying her no attention or not showing any affection( which I do maybe not as often as she likes). I agree with the things she says and am trying to fix my problems but I feel that there are problem on her end also that create these situations in which I dont want to pay her any attention or just do my own thing.any ways now that shes brought these thing up I feel bad because I truly love her and dont want to lose her so im trying to fix our problem. Seems fine no? Well my problem is in me trying to fix our relationship I dont see any effort from her to try and fix anything . Im not getting anything from her except a courtesy hello and goodbye kiss which feels like pity. I expressed myself to her and she says the she feels the same way but didnt want to say anything because she didnt wanna argue and whe. I ask he if she wants to fix it she says yes but still has no effort. I dont if its my fault for trying too late or if im just not that enticing any more.

[Satu]

Tell her this:

 

"No relationship is more than a day old. They have to be recreated every day, and be refreshed with a new commitment, and a new infusion of love. Without that new commitment, and new love, they sicken and die."

 

Tell her that because it's the real reason for your relationships decline.

 

 

 

Take care.

[welovetolove]

Thanks but at this point a romantic quote wont do im looking for more of what I should do so that I wont drive myself crazy. I keep telling myself its me that needs fixing because shes the one that brings up all the problems. But now that she tells me that it isnt me I just want to know what can I do to bring her out of this funk. I dont feel any emotion from her as of lately and its confusing because if she wanted me to be more affectionate with her than why isnt she being that with me?

[Satu]

The answer to your questions are in my previous post.

 

The relationship is in decline because it isn't beiing fed enough by the both of you.

 

It's fading away for lack of investment.

 

That is something that neither one of you can fix.

 

It takes two to fix it.

 

Rather than being a 'romantic quote,' this is a starting point for a practical solution.

[ScotchBeef]

Genuinely seems to me like she has given up. You say it seems unfair that you are trying to make it work but no effort from her.....that's probably because, consciously or not, she doesn't really want it to work and has accepted that it's over.

 

If you want it to work out, it's pretty much all on you to try and make it so. Might not sound fair, but that's just how it is.

[Vercetti]

It's a two way street. If you have all the problems, she is doing nothing wrong, yet you are demanded to morph...something isn't right. You are both at fault for how react. Just if you try and try and she doesn't act in a way that naturally makes you feel and behave the way she likes...well.

[TX-SC]

Don't give up quite so easily. Go to a marriage counselor and figure out how you can work TOGETHER to fix your issues. Also, read the 5 Love Languages. It may be that the two of you express your love in different ways.

 

For the immediate future, drop the kids off at your family's house and have a weekend alone. Sit her down and tell her how much she means to you and that you really want to make this work. Go out for a date and talk. Most importantly, LISTEN to what she is telling you. I mean really LISTEN. Don't defend yourself or try to make her see your side of things. Spend time understanding her side of things. Once you understand where she is coming from, it'll help to to explain to her where you are coming from.

 

My wife and I speak totally different love languages. What I value highest, she scored the lowest. But, we make it work because we truly love each other and we are willing to do our part to work with each other.

 

Also, do NOT discount the strain that having kids can put on a relationship. It's very hard staying close when you have the added worry of children.

[sandylee1]

Couples /relationship counselling could be helpful. You also need to communicate without fear.

 

Take turns to arrange date nights

Have alone time, which I appreciate could be tricky with little ones

Make the effort to complement each other daily

 

There's more, but it can't fall on you alone to fix it. If she does nothing, the chances are you'll realise you deserve better and leave her.

 

All that said...are you helping around the house?

With the kids?

Does she get a break from it all?

[ShatteredLady]

Does your wife stay home with the kids? Has she just had months of summer break?

 

Kiss her when you get home. I don't mean just a little kiss. Do I properly. What do you normally do when you get home from work? What's your routine? Give us a better idea of what your average day as a family looks like & I think we can help.

 

You've both got so much. It just needs a little tweaking. Are your friends happy couples with little kids? Do you go out as a couple? Do you have a strong support system? Can you spend weekends alone together or would you struggle to find baby sitter payments?

[welovetolove]

Truly I feel as if to our friends we have the best relationship comparable with them we have astable home our kids are taken care of and we seem to be the best put together. As far as my little ones its always been 50/50 she drops them off in the morning (daycare, school) and then I pick them up after work. then when we get home she usually gets to cooking while I deal with the kids then we take turns putting the youngest to bed everyday around 8:30 then the rest of the night is ours but only until about 10 the latest because we both be tired as hell. Im not gonna lie and say our life outside of our family is exciting as money is a real big issue and we find ourselves worrying about it way more than we worry about ourselves and rarely have enough of it to plan out sonething nice. I mean I know ppl have money issues but we are really going through it ive been through a job change recently that we thought was gonnasave us but turned out to be bull now im starting at another company at less than I was making before. So its hard to do things like that. I mean I constantly think of these things as obstacles for our relationship, thinkin of it the last time I was able to buy her flowers spontaneously was about a year and a half ago and I constantly feel that if I had more money I could do things like take her out. As far as doing things at home I think its become pretty routine and theres no excitement around it if we have a night where we can chill we will probably eat dinner watch a movie and by the end of the night its either sex or sleep and when its sex its routine also( I initiate......foreplay.......get to it) but all on my end its hardly her initiating or foreplaying or ...gettin it. Pretty much covered alot. Im really trusting of her too I let her go out with her friends while I take care of the kids. I more of a home body so it doesnt bother me but like the other night I left at 4in the morning same routine she dropped the kids I picked them up after work and she had asked me during the day if she coukd go out. Being that I cant take her myself and her coworker was paying I said fine go ahead. Was out until about 8 and ended up at her sisters house but instead of me telling her to come home I said she could stay there for a while because one of her old freinds was there.kool everything is fine so im thinking when she gets home ill get her there and maybe we can fool around......what you think happened? Nothing she came in hopped in a shower and just climbed over me in the bed and went to sleep didnt say anything didnt kiss me hug me nothing. And thats when I said something to her about me not interesting her anymore and she hit me with an Its not that its just oh I dont know. And this is my dilema

[TrustedthenBusted]

Make your needs clear, reasonable, and explicit. Ask her to do the same.

 

Don't accept answers like " I need more affection." Ask her what that mean, what it looks like and what you need to be doing in order to meet her needs. Write them down.

 

Then do the same with your needs, and track progress.

 

Sounds robotic, and not romantic.... and that's true. But you have a problem, and need a solution, and this is it.

 

If you can both look at this list in a month and objectively say that you are doing your part and she isn't doing hers, well....then you have a real discussion.

[beanie66f]

Okay. Well first off it sounds like you both want to improve things. So that is a big positive plus! It sounds like you are having trouble with figuring out "how" though. You know the biggest thing is communication... But I'm guessing you might be like my DH and I that you "think " you are telling your spouse something pretty concrete or obvious but they are not getting it.

 

So like the poster above says you need to get small and specific. You need to have some working sessions to write things down that would make you feel appreciated and loved. Concrete things. Maybe start a his and hers jar. Put your ideas in the jar and let her see them. Have her do the same. They can be conversation starters. You are in the midst of the childhood rearing years. Staying connected takes serious work!

 

So as an example instead of saying " I want you to show me more affection". You write instead " I want you to initiate sex with me when you come home from going out. If I'm asleep I want you to wake me up". Or whatever you are thinking.

 

From a female perspective and a wife. I'll give you some ideas of what "I" would be delighted with. You mentioned flowers and wanting to do that but not having the money. Go to the grocery store. You can find flowers for $5-7 bucks. If that isn't in the budget then get a piece of paper out and draw her flowers. Tell he you wish you had money for the real thing.

 

A simple written note or text goes a long way " hey. I love you. Let's have wine/coffee/on the porch tonight when the kids go to bed"

 

If she normally does dishes after work... You do them... Send her up to take a bath or be alone. My DH used to do this and even brought up a glass of wine to me. It was a compassionate and romantic gesture. If there is something "you" would like her to do that you normally do- ask her or suggest it. You work long hours too!

 

Never underestimate the power of chocolate or wine..or tea..of coffee (whatever her beverage of choice is. Pour a glass of wine and get 2 Hershey kisses and came in and put it on the table next to her chair and leave without saying anything.. Though if you have small kids that may never be able to happen. But you get the idea. Small gestures. Focus on doing one small kind thing for a numbe of days and just see what happens. Hopefully she won't be obtuse and not pick up on it. If she doesn't pick up on it then tell her " for next week I'm going to try and do something small just for you"

 

 

It's not going to be grand gestures that change things. It will be the little day to day things. Don't tell her you love her. We hear that. It becomes rote . Tell her what you love about her. Her eyes. Her smile. Her butt. Pick something Remind yourself and her what got you to ask her to marry you in the first place.

It probably won't go as planned. Nothing ever does. But talk about things and find out what she would like you to start doing. Or stop doing and find out her list.

 

Good luck!!!

Edited September 15, 2015 by beanie66f

[ShatteredLady]

You can pick wild flowers for her. If you always say "I love you" tell her more! Those 3 little words can become so common that we get a little deaf to it. My H even wrote & said those words when he hated me!!