ajaxfan34 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 So my ex and I of 3 years broke it off about three weeks ago due to the fact that we have come to the realization that we want different things out of life. I want to join the military as an infantry officer after university and she wants to pursue a career in accounting and eventually get her CPA. Since I live in Canada the majority of bases are in rather desolate locations with the exception of two. Of course, now she's come to realize that this isn't the most ideal for someone looking to hatch into the financial services sector and I've always told her that there's no need for her to put me before her aspirations and that if it's meant to be it's meant to be. I've always supported her dreams and aspirations but I've had to endure almost constant talks of her saying how I should do something better with my life or that the military is for people with nothing going for them. In short she's not supportive of my goals and constantly tells me to pursue something related to my degree in finance instead. Bear with me here, this will all come back at the end. So we break up and I'm in NC for three weeks, and apart from some anxiety and bouts of sadness I'm actually getting along with it pretty well. However this week she's contacted me almost daily telling me how she's changed and in these three weeks she's realized how much she can't live without me and that she's willing to support my decision and how we have this amazing connection and that she can practice accounting anywhere because there's always a need for the profession. Speechless. For the past year she's been telling me she doesn't want me to do this and now all of a sudden, in three weeks she's made a complete 180 turn and I just don't know what to do. This is our third time breaking up and I'm unsure if I want to take the gamble this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Jejangles Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 So we break up and I'm in NC for three weeks, and apart from some anxiety and bouts of sadness I'm actually getting along with it pretty well. However this week she's contacted me almost daily telling me how she's changed and in these three weeks she's realized how much she can't live without me and that she's willing to support my decision and how we have this amazing connection and that she can practice accounting anywhere because there's always a need for the profession. Speechless. For the past year she's been telling me she doesn't want me to do this and now all of a sudden, in three weeks she's made a complete 180 turn and I just don't know what to do. This is our third time breaking up and I'm unsure if I want to take the gamble this time. Go with your gut... I think you feel, and I agree, that three weeks is not enough time for someone to really do a complete turnaround in their thinking. I think she's missing you and suddenly disconnecting from her true thoughts and needs. Break ups are hard and she's probably feeling the withdrawal / pain and will say anything to end it. The fact you guys have broken up three times says you are in different places and incompatible at the this time in your life. Who knows what the future holds, but I would move forward not back. Give it more time, process the break up fully and see in a few months or even a year or so if you truly want to get back together. Time and distance from the situation will bring so much more clarity. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 I agree. Since it's your third breakup, stay broken up. She's reacting to her feeling of loneliness. It's not really a change in viewpoint. End the rollercoaster ride. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ajaxfan34 Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 Go with your gut... I think you feel, and I agree, that three weeks is not enough time for someone to really do a complete turnaround in their thinking. I think she's missing you and suddenly disconnecting from her true thoughts and needs. Break ups are hard and she's probably feeling the withdrawal / pain and will say anything to end it. The fact you guys have broken up three times says you are in different places and incompatible at the this time in your life. Who knows what the future holds, but I would move forward not back. Give it more time, process the break up fully and see in a few months or even a year or so if you truly want to get back together. Time and distance from the situation will bring so much more clarity. Thank you for your insight, in truth I don't really miss the relationship that much, looking back I was never really able to get what I wanted out of life and felt at many times like I was a babysitter and I really have no intention of going through that again. As bad as it sounds, I think I mostly miss getting laid consistently as if that's any indication that I should stay out of it at least for her sake. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 that's a tough one for me, but since no one's replied yet, I'll still try to give my thoughts... it seems like she realized that she cares more about being with you than being without you. It may sound simplistic, but just like the saying goes, "you don't know how much you love something until it's gone." But I don't know if 3 weeks is enough time to realize it. I would wonder if it is a true realization from her or just the extreme pain of being alone. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders when you say that you told her about not needing to put you before her aspirations. I don't think many people would have the ability to say that to someone. Most are too afraid to be alone and they would want that kind of attention. So good on you for that. Hopefully others can offer more perspective. But to me, it looks like you did the right thing to let her go her way. Maybe she is now able to see that she truly wishes life with you, where ever it may be, rather than life without you. But it would be hard for me to guess if that was true or if she was just going through 3 weeks of pain from being without you. I would also say to ask yourself how you truly feel about her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ajaxfan34 Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 that's a tough one for me, but since no one's replied yet, I'll still try to give my thoughts... it seems like she realized that she cares more about being with you than being without you. It may sound simplistic, but just like the saying goes, "you don't know how much you love something until it's gone." But I don't know if 3 weeks is enough time to realize it. I would wonder if it is a true realization from her or just the extreme pain of being alone. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders when you say that you told her about not needing to put you before her aspirations. I don't think many people would have the ability to say that to someone. Most are too afraid to be alone and they would want that kind of attention. So good on you for that. Hopefully others can offer more perspective. But to me, it looks like you did the right thing to let her go her way. Maybe she is now able to see that she truly wishes life with you, where ever it may be, rather than life without you. But it would be hard for me to guess if that was true or if she was just going through 3 weeks of pain from being without you. I would also say to ask yourself how you truly feel about her. At the same time this is the third time we've broken up. At some point I have to say I'm not taking the risk anymore. But at the same time she's not stopped telling me how sorry she is or how much research she's done and that everything she wants to do is capable where ever I am. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 what do you mean when you say broken up? like did she end it or did you on those 3 times? Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Why did the other break ups happen? It's a tough one, it sucks she wasn't supportive of your career choice. You guys can't keep breaking up and getting back together. It's tiresome, I'm sure. It's breaking your union and trust when you do get back together. If you do take her back, let it be the last time this happens. Be firm about that. If you do take her back, take it easy and let her show you the changes she has made. I'd you decide not to, then remain no contact. And move on with your career & life. Games in relationships are boring. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ajaxfan34 Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 what do you mean when you say broken up? like did she end it or did you on those 3 times? we both did it once each and now this time it was mutual. Honestly since she's started talking to me I'm going haywire. Do I retreat back into something that was comfortable or go forth into the unknown. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 we both did it once each and now this time it was mutual. Honestly since she's started talking to me I'm going haywire. Do I retreat back into something that was comfortable or go forth into the unknown. that is why I said ask yourself how you truly feel about her. is it love or just comfort? Are you afraid of not getting anything better? I didn't settle for comfort. it brought me to new relationships. I am not in the relationships that followed anymore. they failed. but I am still glad that I did not settle for comfort. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ajaxfan34 Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 that is why I said ask yourself how you truly feel about her. is it love or just comfort? Are you afraid of not getting anything better? I didn't settle for comfort. it brought me to new relationships. I am not in the relationships that followed anymore. they failed. but I am still glad that I did not settle for comfort. Honestly I feel like it's mostly comfort hence why I'm not jumping into anything and in all honesty probably won't be because I truly don't think she's changed and it's purely out of a emotion and fear. I want someone who supports me and vice versa from day one. One thing that's certainly stuck with me and kept me from going back is her telling me that my career choice is for people who have nothing better going for them. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Honestly I feel like it's mostly comfort hence why I'm not jumping into anything and in all honesty probably won't be because I truly don't think she's changed and it's purely out of a emotion and fear. I want someone who supports me and vice versa from day one. One thing that's certainly stuck with me and kept me from going back is her telling me that my career choice is for people who have nothing better going for them. Then I would suggest you make a choice. But when you do, keep in mind what you just said. Any time fears creep in, they have a way of making people forget logic. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 (sorry I meant to edit my other post.) And also, for her sake, try not to string her along. It can happen even if we try not to. Like for example trying to be nice and let her off slowly can sometimes backfire and make them think we are still interested, thus giving them false hope and prolonging their agony. Link to post Share on other sites
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