Sister is dating a Married Man

[Kcame30]

I just realized that my sister is having an affair with a married man. Apparently, this affair has been going on for YEARS. For YEARS she complained about not finding a good man. How she wants to get married, have more kids, etc. YET she’s having an affair with a married man. I’m really pissed off about this.

 

I thought she was better than this.

I’m really close to her and I find myself extremely annoyed with her relationship. She always states that she wants a close relationship with God.

That this married man was supposed to marry her instead of his wife. Their relationship is complicated.

 

No! It’s TOXIC and I want to give her a piece of my mind but should I? Or Should I let this go?

 

I saw her married boyfriend when I helped her move into her new home. I know for sure he felt my distant attitude. I wasn’t rude or anything but I know he can sense my annoyance. They’re grown and it’s really none of my business but it’s hard to spend time with her knowing she’s doing something like this.

 

I don’t want her to think I condone their behavior. I don’t want to spend time with my sister AND her married boyfriend.

 

I know for a fact he’s been at my sister’s place every day for the past two weeks. His wife is in the Air Force and is now overseas.

 

I’ve already started to distant myself. I'm trying not to be judgmental. Am I overreacting?

What would you suggest?

[nescafe1982]

I think that if you say something to her, you will need to spend a little time recentering yourself so you can come at her from a place of concern for her well-being, rather than from anger.

 

If she's dating a married man, she knows that it's wrong. She knows people will judge her. She probably knows, deep down, that he will not leave his wife for her.

 

But she needs to know that her family cares for her. That she is worth more than this. That men are plentiful, and she deserves someone that loves her and is willing to commit to her.

 

She will need you to help build her up. So it's imperative that if you try to intervene that you do it from a place of love, of concern, and most importantly, of unconditional support.

 

She might throw your concern back in your face. Heck, she probably will. Let her. Don't pull away from her. If she wants to pull away, let her... but stay on her radar in case she changes her mind. When she does, she'll probably need help.

[angel.eyes]

It's tough. Ideally, you want her to hear what you say. If you're judgmental or criticize her choices, she'll likely shut out what you're saying.

 

Ask a few questions when he comes up in conversation that might get her thinking. Ask for clarification about some of the inconsistencies and contradictions that come up when she discusses him, his wife, and/or their relationship. Mostly, just listen. I'm sure she'll get very frustrated at times (e.g. when his wife returns from her deployment and he's often unavailable). Sometimes just letting someone talk will bring clarity.

 

It's a shame that she's wasting some of her best years in a dead-end relationship. Those are years she'll never get back. So sad!

[turnera]

If it was my sister, I would simply say "You are dating a married man. I know mom and dad taught you that participating in an affair is wrong. And I know you know that I believe it's wrong. I can't condone what you're doing and, honestly, I can't hang around with you while you continue to do this. Let me know when you're done helping him cheat on his wife, and we can reconnect."

 

My DD25 has had two instances in her life already with friends who were cheating on their boyfriend or husband. In both cases, she told the person that she didn't approve and couldn't hang out with them if they were going to continue to do it. The first one quit doing it, matured, met and married a guy, and now they stay in touch. The second one keeps cheating, and DD has nothing to do with her. And she's fine with doing what she did. The people understood why she said what she said.

 

The ONLY way people learn to stop doing bad things is by experiencing consequences for their bad behavior. You would be HELPING her come to that realization sooner rather than later if you do take a stand - for HER sake.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

There would be a whole lot less immoral & unethical behavior out there, if people were held fully accountable for their actions & people didn't turn a blind eye on stuff like that. What would your sis do if you & the whole family refused to acknowledge or have any contact with her, as long as she's with him?

[Redhead14]

I just realized that my sister is having an affair with a married man. Apparently, this affair has been going on for YEARS. For YEARS she complained about not finding a good man. How she wants to get married, have more kids, etc. YET she’s having an affair with a married man. I’m really pissed off about this.

 

I thought she was better than this.

I’m really close to her and I find myself extremely annoyed with her relationship. She always states that she wants a close relationship with God.

That this married man was supposed to marry her instead of his wife. Their relationship is complicated.

 

No! It’s TOXIC and I want to give her a piece of my mind but should I? Or Should I let this go?

 

I saw her married boyfriend when I helped her move into her new home. I know for sure he felt my distant attitude. I wasn’t rude or anything but I know he can sense my annoyance. They’re grown and it’s really none of my business but it’s hard to spend time with her knowing she’s doing something like this.

 

I don’t want her to think I condone their behavior. I don’t want to spend time with my sister AND her married boyfriend.

 

I know for a fact he’s been at my sister’s place every day for the past two weeks. His wife is in the Air Force and is now overseas.

 

I’ve already started to distant myself. I'm trying not to be judgmental. Am I overreacting?

What would you suggest?

 

I’m really close to her -- That can't be true -- you didn't know she's been with a married man for years. How can that be possible?

 

You may feel close to her, but she is not close to you. She is hiding this fact from you and operating with questionnable morals while hiding behind statements about wanting to be closer to God. She is wearing a false front for the world.

 

You do not intervene and let this unfold as it will. You don't need to be judgemental. God will do that for her. All you can do is make a statement to her to say that you do not support her relationship with this man and until she gets real with herself, you do not want to talk about it with her. You will always be her sister, but you don't know this "sister" and neither does she.

[autumnnight]

If it was my sister, I would simply say "You are dating a married man. I know mom and dad taught you that participating in an affair is wrong. And I know you know that I believe it's wrong. I can't condone what you're doing and, honestly, I can't hang around with you while you continue to do this. Let me know when you're done helping him cheat on his wife, and we can reconnect."

 

My DD25 has had two instances in her life already with friends who were cheating on their boyfriend or husband. In both cases, she told the person that she didn't approve and couldn't hang out with them if they were going to continue to do it. The first one quit doing it, matured, met and married a guy, and now they stay in touch. The second one keeps cheating, and DD has nothing to do with her. And she's fine with doing what she did. The people understood why she said what she said.

 

The ONLY way people learn to stop doing bad things is by experiencing consequences for their bad behavior. You would be HELPING her come to that realization sooner rather than later if you do take a stand - for HER sake.

 

This is good. Simple and to the point. I might add at the beginning "I love you and want what is best for you, and this isn't it."

[Popsicle]

If it was my sister, I would simply say "You are dating a married man. I know mom and dad taught you that participating in an affair is wrong. And I know you know that I believe it's wrong. I can't condone what you're doing and, honestly, I can't hang around with you while you continue to do this. Let me know when you're done helping him cheat on his wife, and we can reconnect."

 

My DD25 has had two instances in her life already with friends who were cheating on their boyfriend or husband. In both cases, she told the person that she didn't approve and couldn't hang out with them if they were going to continue to do it. The first one quit doing it, matured, met and married a guy, and now they stay in touch. The second one keeps cheating, and DD has nothing to do with her. And she's fine with doing what she did. The people understood why she said what she said.

 

The ONLY way people learn to stop doing bad things is by experiencing consequences for their bad behavior. You would be HELPING her come to that realization sooner rather than later if you do take a stand - for HER sake.

 

Yes, say this, and I think you absolutely SHOULD say something.

 

Be prepared for her to not change anything though, and probably stop talking to you. It's sad, but trust me, you don't want to hear her whining nonstop about him not making enough time for her (when W returns) and not leaving his wife anyway. Just tell her that you will be there for her once she ends it once and for all but until then you've said your peace and don't want to hear about it.

[beatcuff]

I just realized that my sister is having an affair with a married man... Am I overreacting?

What would you suggest?

 

you are overreacting as are the other posters. you want to 'disown' her because you object to HER ideas on dating? who are you to 'approve' or not. and if so can she to you?

 

where's the line? color? ethnicity? religion? age? too poor or too rich? fine maybe MM is too far, but engaged? in a relationship? what about if he never was in one? and why stop there. why not go to the BS.

 

yes: you should tell her "you know its wrong to date a married man, for any reason". then drop it. i assume otherwise she is a great sister and move forward with that.

 

or disown her. which will only drive her more to isolation and that MM.

[Bittersweetie]

I think too you have to decide what your end game for this conversation is. Is it for her to stop seeing the married man? For her to know you don't approve but will still spend time with her? That kind of thing, that may then focus your approach if you decide to talk with her about the situation.

 

As an aside, when I was in my A, I decided to tell my mother. My mother was NOT happy with me and my choices. She really lit into me. And you know what I remember from that conversation? Nothing. Because I was not ready to hear what she had to say, even though I know now she probably had valid points (like, STOP).

 

Your sister may take you words with a grain of salt because she's not ready or willing to listen to you, so also be prepared for that scenario.

 

Good luck.

[turnera]

I think too you have to decide what your end game for this conversation is. Is it for her to stop seeing the married man? For her to know you don't approve but will still spend time with her? That kind of thing, that may then focus your approach if you decide to talk with her about the situation.

 

As an aside, when I was in my A, I decided to tell my mother. My mother was NOT happy with me and my choices. She really lit into me. And you know what I remember from that conversation? Nothing. Because I was not ready to hear what she had to say, even though I know now she probably had valid points (like, STOP).

 

Your sister may take you words with a grain of salt because she's not ready or willing to listen to you, so also be prepared for that scenario.

 

Good luck.

This is exactly the reason I said to tell her sister that as long as she's in an affair, she will not associate with her. Words mean nothing, but LOSING your sister because of it? Yeah, she'll notice that.

[Kcame30]

you are overreacting as are the other posters. you want to 'disown' her because you object to HER ideas on dating? who are you to 'approve' or not. and if so can she to you?

 

where's the line? color? ethnicity? religion? age? too poor or too rich? fine maybe MM is too far, but engaged? in a relationship? what about if he never was in one? and why stop there. why not go to the BS.

 

yes: you should tell her "you know its wrong to date a married man, for any reason". then drop it. i assume otherwise she is a great sister and move forward with that.

 

or disown her. which will only drive her more to isolation and that MM.

 

 

I would never disown her. That's cruel but I will tell her that I don't want to be around her married boyfriend. I will her my reasons why and leave it at that.

[Kcame30]

It's tough. Ideally, you want her to hear what you say. If you're judgmental or criticize her choices, she'll likely shut out what you're saying.

 

Ask a few questions when he comes up in conversation that might get her thinking. Ask for clarification about some of the inconsistencies and contradictions that come up when she discusses him, his wife, and/or their relationship. Mostly, just listen. I'm sure she'll get very frustrated at times (e.g. when his wife returns from her deployment and he's often unavailable). Sometimes just letting someone talk will bring clarity.

 

It's a shame that she's wasting some of her best years in a dead-end relationship. Those are years she'll never get back. So sad!

 

When she brings him up and she always does. I will simply say, "You deserve better because you are better."

Done

[Kcame30]

I’m really close to her -- That can't be true -- you didn't know she's been with a married man for years. How can that be possible?

 

You may feel close to her, but she is not close to you. She is hiding this fact from you and operating with questionnable morals while hiding behind statements about wanting to be closer to God. She is wearing a false front for the world.

 

You do not intervene and let this unfold as it will. You don't need to be judgemental. God will do that for her. All you can do is make a statement to her to say that you do not support her relationship with this man and until she gets real with herself, you do not want to talk about it with her. You will always be her sister, but you don't know this "sister" and neither does she.

 

I'm closer to her than any other family member. I've moved away from home for five years and recently came back. Coming from a devoted Christian family the last thing she will tell me is that she is seeing a married man. It's something she expressed in person and I'm the only family who knows about their relationship.

 

She's a very private person so for her to introduce him to me is a big deal. I will tell her that she deserves better than that. She is better and leave it at that. Hopefully things will change.

[turnera]

you are overreacting as are the other posters. you want to 'disown' her because you object to HER ideas on dating? who are you to 'approve' or not. and if so can she to you?

 

where's the line? color? ethnicity? religion? age? too poor or too rich? fine maybe MM is too far, but engaged?

No, just married. Inserting yourself into another's marriage is wrong no matter how you look at it, unless it's your group's custom. And it clearly isn't, in this case. And I never said disown her; I just said I'd say I won't be in your life as long as you're in an affair.

[turnera]

I'm closer to her than any other family member. I've moved away from home for five years and recently came back. Coming from a devoted Christian family the last thing she will tell me is that she is seeing a married man. It's something she expressed in person and I'm the only family who knows about their relationship.

 

She's a very private person so for her to introduce him to me is a big deal. I will tell her that she deserves better than that. She is better and leave it at that. Hopefully things will change.

Why would things change? She has received no consequence for her WRONG BEHAVIOR from which to learn.

[violet1]

You can't control other people's decisions. Whether she changes or not is on her. It's not your job to be the morality police. I would continue to let her know that you will NOT go around her if the MM is there. I would also tell her that you don't want to hear about it or be involved. If you love your sister do not cut her out of your life just because she's making choices you don't approve of. My brother, who happens to be my only sibling knew about my affair. He expressed his disaproval. He never gave me an ultimatum. If he had, I would have cut him out of my life. He knew that, but because we are so close he wasn't willing to lose our relationship over my choices. I had to learn and hit rock bottom on my own. Family is blood and suppose to be around forever.

[Trishern]

If it were my sister, I'd tell her it was wrong, that she's being used and she deserves better than a man who cheats on his wife. How can she expect to find a decent guy when she's not being decent t the moment.

 

 

Then I'd have her read (or print out for her) a coupe of heart wrenching stories of BWs and find one that showed the impact on the kids, who have grades drop, self harm because of the divorce. If she carries on, well I can't force her to do anything, but I'd make it very clear I don't want to see her married boyfriend, because I would not be able to hold back from giving him a piece of my mind.

 

 

I might even decide to tell his wife, but without saying who I was. Then my sister would see who the MM really cared about, when he chucked her under a bus. You have to be cruel to be kind at times.

 

 

Mrs Trishern

[BlessYourHeart]

I know that this post is older, but I'm new to the forum so I'd like to just post to learn my way around.

 

I'm going to give the unpopular opinion here. It's your sister, but it's her life. I know that you don't condone her behavior, but she's an adult and she's made a taboo one. Marital affairs come with their own consequences and karma, I'd save it for when she needs you to pick her up when everything falls apart for her. You'd rather not have her in your life at all than just agree to disagree on her choices? Life is very short to cut off loved ones, so I hope that you are serious about it when you say you'd just stop hanging out with her all together.

 

Obviously this man is a two timing sleeze bag, and if he loved his wife, or your sister.. he'd stop.. but only your sister can come to those terms on her own. One day she will tire of being the other woman, just you wait and see.

 

I would by no means go on double dates, but I wouldn't cut things off with your sister. I'd just prefer NOT to talk about love life with eachother.. and talk about other things.