Divorced men and mental chemistry

[edgygirl]

Now that I'm dating guys in their 40s and meet a lot of divorced men, one thing strikes me that I've heard over and over again and once again yesterday.

 

The majority of guys explain why they got married and divorced this way:

 

- I really wanted to get married at the time

- she was good on paper

- was from x religion

 

Only to realize a few years later that they were not at all compatible personality-wise.

 

Do most men get blind and clueless when they reach a certain age and feel they should be getting married? I am seriously finding amazing that the same reasons come over and over again with people this generation.

 

I never compromised having mental chemistry... hence I guess that's why I'm still waiting. But these men, they are smart guys, it's hard for me to understand how they can have compromised on mental chemistry at the time. Is it a male thing to care less about this and prioritize the "makes sense on paper" woman?

[jen1447]

- she was good on paper

 

Was that ever actually said in those terms? Wow, sounds like a business merger. No wonder #failure.

[edgygirl]

Sometimes in those words, sometimes just implying she was good laundry-list wise (whatever they have in mind as a good woman to get married to - could be she's a good soul, or a potential good mom, or easy going... or pretty? etc etc).

 

It seems a lot of men actually have laundry lists and marry their laundry list and then realize later that well yeah she was prob what theoretically makes a good wife socially and for their family, but... the personality compatibility just lacked and they didn't realize that at the time as the woman... "made sense" for getting married.

 

Was that ever actually said in those terms? Wow, sounds like a business merger. No wonder #failure.

 

Edited August 30, 2015 by edgygirl

[jen1447]

Sometimes in those words, sometimes just implying she was good laundry-list wise (whatever they have in mind as a good woman to get married to - could be she's a good soul, or a potential good mom, or easy going... or pretty? etc etc).

 

It seems a lot of men actually have laundry lists and marry their laundry list and then realize later that well yeah she was prob what theoretically makes a good wife socially and for their family, but... the personality compatibility just lacked and they didn't realize that at the time as the woman... "made sense" for getting married.

 

 

 

 

Or strange concepts like love ....

[edgygirl]

Hmm... I personally believe real love should be based on personality compatibility. Otherwise it's a momentary illusion. And perhaps that's what I'm talking about in this thread.

 

Or strange concepts like love ....

 

[StalwartMind]

There are probably many reasons as to why a certain generation in general is more one way than another, however considering all the different personality types there are, you've just not come across someone available who does place emphasis on the same values. To me it has always been like this: No mental chemistry = no interest. I find it that the connection between two people is perhaps the single most important part. I'm 34 but it has always been like this for me.

 

Do most men get blind at a certain age, I don't know, I'm sure some do and perhaps women do as well. We all prioritize different things, as such it can be a long journey to find someone you are extremely compatible with. No matter what your expectations are, I believe that there is no reason to compromise anything you consider a must, or you'll just end up being disappointed down the line. Even small things can make someone lose interests, if it means a lot and they are trying to overlook it. In other words, there is no point in trying to fool ourselves into believing we will love someone, if we deep down know it can cause problems eventually.

 

People marry for different reasons, likewise people get together and split up for just as many. When you reach a certain age, whether you are a man or woman, you may feel a sudden pressure to find a partner, especially if you desire kids or whatever else may be the plan. I somehow get the feeling that, it's the fewest of people, who actually know themselves well enough, to take things into consideration when it comes to long term relationships. Some enter out of sheer desperation, be it because they are afraid to be alone or just fear how others in their circle will judge them. There is also the indirect expectation of society, such as having a family and ensuring humanity keeps going on. I mean, that is how most lives are tailored to be, to make things continue. In all this, I'm certainly it's hard for many to fully find their own place, as we are constantly trying to fit into the mold of whatever society we reside in.

 

Depending on your own age, preferences, goals, dreams and what not, you may be limiting your own search for someone ideal, possibly even without realizing it. I like to believe there are some great individuals that know what they want, who currently are single and in their 40s. Of course, it also depends where you live, sometimes the most compatible people are no where near you.

 

No matter what, I think you are correct in not compromising your own desires, as it'll typically just lead to disappointment. On a personal note, even if they are in their 50/60s respectively, I know a couple my parents know, who didn't meet before their 40/50s, as such, it can take a long time to end up with someone who just clicks with you. As wonderful as it would be to just have some kind of filter that would show all great candidates, it also removes a bit of the charm from the adventure in finding that someone. Not everyone is totally set in their ways, some are really great at adapting to others, including men without the need to compromise any values.

[edgygirl]

 

People marry for different reasons, likewise people get together and split up for just as many. When you reach a certain age, whether you are a man or woman, you may feel a sudden pressure to find a partner, especially if you desire kids or whatever else may be the plan. I somehow get the feeling that, it's the fewest of people, who actually know themselves well enough, to take things into consideration when it comes to long term relationships. Some enter out of sheer desperation, be it because they are afraid to be alone or just fear how others in their circle will judge them. There is also the indirect expectation of society, such as having a family and ensuring humanity keeps going on. I mean, that is how most lives are tailored to be, to make things continue. In all this, I'm certainly it's hard for many to fully find their own place, as we are constantly trying to fit into the mold of whatever society we reside in.

 

Great points.

 

 

Depending on your own age, preferences, goals, dreams and what not, you may be limiting your own search for someone ideal, possibly even without realizing it. I like to believe there are some great individuals that know what they want, who currently are single and in their 40s. Of course, it also depends where you live, sometimes the most compatible people are no where near you.

 

Thanks for the tip. You are right, I should think about this. Oh I live in one of the biggest cities in the planet... shouldn't be a problem. Or maybe it is exactly because of that

[Popsicle]

They are not all like that. Some are very "romantic". These are the ones who pine for bad girls or stay with/chase women who treat them badly. But most are very practical, yes.

[elaine567]

I think the reality is that many people reach a certain age or get close to it, where getting married is seen as being the right thing to do.

That age is often dictated by culture, religion, locality, educational level etc. and can vary widely.

With that prime marriage age looming...

 

• People in LTRs take stock, they either get engaged or they split up to look for more "serious" prospects.
  
• People who are dating, start looking for potential husbands and wives.
  
• People who are happily single or forging careers start thinking of dating more seriously.
  
• People who are long term single start panicking and grab the first person available.
  

So whilst "love" may come into it somewhere, pragmatism may be more of an influence for some.

I guess some place the need to get married within the "right" time frame, above what may be for them a truly suitable match.

Hence the

 

- I really wanted to get married at the time

- she was good on paper

- was from x religion

[salparadise]

Hmm... I personally believe real love should be based on personality compatibility. Otherwise it's a momentary illusion. And perhaps that's what I'm talking about in this thread.

 

That's the way we tend to see it from a personal, individual perspective after we've lived long enough to acquire the illusion of wisdom.

 

We have roughly a two decade window of opportunity to fulfill the biological imperative, so spending half of that window in abstinence trying to optimize the illusion of happiness is simply counterproductive from the gene's perspective. Rationalization and lack of judgement serve the biological end much better.

 

It is not necessary for a carrier (the individual) to find fulfillment, happiness, etc., or to have even a remote awareness of the gene's ultimate motive... it's only important that such emotions contribute toward behaviors that yield the desired results. Rationalization, loneliness, horniness, and societal pressures are well aligned with the biological imperative... the happiness illusion, eh, not so much. It's probably more important that we believe in it than that we achieve it.

[oldshirt]

The majority of guys explain why they got married and divorced this way:

 

- I really wanted to get married at the time

- she was good on paper

- was from x religion

 

Only to realize a few years later that they were not at all compatible personality-wise.

 

 

I'm not out dating men obviously so I can't vouch for what guys are telling you, but I have never heard a man say those things. It's usually women that hear talking about some guy being good on paper or that he would be someone her parents or family etc would approve of even though she really wasn't feeling the love.

 

 

I'm a bit older than most hear but the main thing I heard for rationale on why a guy was marrying the woman he married 20-30 years ago what they were having regular sex and he didn't want to go back to celibacy or sporatic sex with long dry spells again.

[edgygirl]

Hmm there's that, one more reason for sure - the sex on tap part, although these men I'm dating were probably getting married around mid 2000s which I think was a pretty easy time to get easy sex (raves and whatnot).

 

But I do understand both men and women prefer to have sex available at all times I just don't think a man will mention that to me -- a woman he is on a date with.

 

Maybe these men I'm dating are a very specific part of the population too. They're all in this very specific city from a specific background/religion. Maybe it's more specific to this city/region/culture. I am not sure.

 

I'm not out dating men obviously so I can't vouch for what guys are telling you, but I have never heard a man say those things. It's usually women that hear talking about some guy being good on paper or that he would be someone her parents or family etc would approve of even though she really wasn't feeling the love.

 

 

I'm a bit older than most hear but the main thing I heard for rationale on why a guy was marrying the woman he married 20-30 years ago what they were having regular sex and he didn't want to go back to celibacy or sporatic sex with long dry spells again.

[SmartDude]

I guess there are some people who veiw getting married as an increase in social status. It is more or less a show for the parents, friends and anyone else who might doubt their "maturity" I guess. Once a guy gets past that and figures out he has been duped, all kinds of strange events can occur.

 

Have never understood this mental state in others...trying to please everyone but yourself, and thus making everyone around you miserable in the process.

42 never married and no kids, I won the jackpot.

 

If the human population was actually in danger because there are not enough of us on this planet, I would dutifully get married and have kids.

[elaine567]

Once a guy gets past that and figures out he has been duped, all kinds of strange events can occur.

 

I do not believe that men in general believe they were "duped", only a small subset and that subset is always going to be well represented on a forum dedicated to relationship problems and is also going to be well represented on OLD.

[SmartDude]

I do not believe that men in general believe they were "duped", only a small subset and that subset is always going to be well represented on a forum dedicated to relationship problems and is also going to be well represented on OLD.

 

No, of course not. Not all men who are married are duped.

Quite a few of them are though.

[BeingMe]

I'd be wary of people who use the passive about their marriage. Or ones who blame it all on the other spouse...unless the spouse cheated. Even then, you want to know what they learnt about themselves and how to be a better partner.

 

Those kinds of answers show a real lack of emotional depth/maturity from people who have been through the gruelling experience of a marriage breakdown. I'd wonder why that is, personally.

[entryist]

They are not all like that. Some are very "romantic". These are the ones who pine for bad girls or stay with/chase women who treat them badly. But most are very practical, yes.

 

This. I was married and divorced by age 30 - so an extreme example but perhaps I can shed some light.

 

I am definitely a romantic type. I also have a strong sense of duty and desire to help people.

 

I was with my girlfriend for 7 years before I proposed. One of those relationships that started in university and continued into our working lives. We ended up getting married because it was the 'logical' next thing to do and she made it quite clear that if we weren't married soon she'd be off.

 

She treated me truly terribly the whole time. She alienated me from friends and family. Criticised me constantly. Belittled me. Barked me around. But this was the only serious relationship I ever had so I thought this sort of behaviour was normal. When I was younger I lacked a bit of confidence and was a bit more needy than I am now, so this was probably another factor in me putting up with it.

 

It wasn't until the abuse got worse and worse that we ended up in couples' counselling after I began to pull away a bit (at her suggestion, I guess as a tool to try to make me conform). It wasn't until relationship counselling, when the counsellor recommended I attend a session on my own, that I found out for the first time that I had been emotionally abused for 10 years.

 

So there is one example. A naive young man who wanted to settle down and have a family, but due to a lack of experience just picked the wrong one. My idealistic nature and tendency to fix and help people also played into it.

 

When it came to the decision on whether to divorce my parents were relieved and urging me to do it. They'd seen me change over the years due to her behaviour, and had seen me become more and more distant from them.

 

Re the original example - it sounds like you are getting generic examples from dates. Divorce is a humiliating, stressful and life changing experience. It knocks you down for quite a long time, particularly if you dreamed of the perfect family, wife and two kids, and are idealistic about the whole thing as I was. Don't expect them to tell you the warts and all story straight off - it will come out eventually though. Keep an open mind.