Quality Advice Needed things are balanced on a thread need to get this right.

[Bubsa]

Right if you wanna read about our realationship issues before this please click on the link below.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t61460/

 

Well Basically the short version is I split up with my Girfreind about 2 Months ago who is also the mother of my 2 year old son. The reason I split up with her was because I honestly believed she did not love me anymore and we where just together cause of our child etc I moved to me sisters and she is in the flat with me boy. We never had a really close relationship, (Mainly Me find it very hard to open up to people) but the good times where good. One of the main issues in our relationship was we did not talk about things just drifted apart really tried to live togther but have sepreate lives if you know what I mean . I would go out Friday she would Babysit and she would go out Saturday and I would look after me boy.

 

So for the first 3 weeks after the split I was ok thought this is the best thing that could of happened for both of us as we was not making each other happy. Then out of the blue I started analzing the relationship found things that maybe I Could and Should have done better. After about 6 weeks went totally wierd starting blaming myself for everything that was wrong with the relationship and sent my ex text messages begging her to come back (She told me that it could not be) wrote her letters saying I am unable to love etc and that she would be better without me. Basically self pity stuff.

 

Right anyways fast forward to most recently I have been seeing a councellor which is probally the best thing i have done for a little while who has explained that though I have a little issue that I am a bit withdrawn. The main issue was state of our relaionship was clouding the way that maybe both of us where viewing what was happening. So I start to follow some of the advice she tells me and applied it to how our relationship was basically I can see how we eneded up like we did as I know now that she did not fufill many of my emotional needs and I more than likely did not fufill any of hers. (Only knew what my Emotional needs where after couseliing I still dont know what my exs are but I want to find out). So after a few sessions with the cousellor I am now realise that I am madly back in love with my EX. So instead of whallowing in self pity I though tI would try and win her back and then talk over are issues and try and resolve them. So sent nice text messages to her everyday asking how she is and not just how me boy is and started to tell her at the end of them that i loved her. (Which I hardly ever told her). Bought a couple of relationsip books (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus to understand more of how to make a relaionship work)

 

I am not really a romantic bloke I have spells now and again when I try to be but its not a natural feeling for me (I would really like to be). Anyhows last weekend sent her a jokey poem message reallly was quite funny (Excuse me biggin meself up). She said it was funny and made her laugh etc so have been sending her the odd witty message now and again nothing heavy just to let her know that i cared and still loved her. She goes to the Gym every wednesday and I normally pick my son up from her flat and look after him wednesday nights as well as one day at the weekend. So yesterday my sister picked me boy up and I spent a few hours with him but snuck down to my Exs flat before she got back from the Gym.

 

Why I hear you ask ???

 

Well I still have the keys to the flat so i went in, left her on her bed a dozen pink roses (She loves pink) and another set of pretty pink flowers a ballon thingy that says "Your a special Person", Box of her favourite Chocalates, Can of her Favourite Drink . Card that say s I love you etc.. Then I left again and went back to me sisters. I did all this mostly because I wanted her to now that I still loved her very much.

 

I got a text back later saying Thanks for the flowers etc but that she is finding this very hard. She thinks its to late for me to be acting all Mr Romantic but she is happy to see that I am happy again. ( She can tell this from the texts that i send her on when we speak). So I phone her up we have a brief chat I tell her I am seeing a cousellor helping me sort my head out etc etc. She starts bringing up some of the bad times we had (I used to say to her it was like living with me mum cos she nags a lot) then says she has got to go 'Bye' we will chat soon.

 

Heres where I need the advice I sent her a text this morning asking her if we could go out on one evening and have a laugh not talk about the issues in our relationship but just see if theres still a spark between us or any kind of chemistry. If there was still a spark said we could talk about issues on another day.

 

Do you think thius was the right thing to do ????

 

Also I know that at this point in time I really do love my ex, and I will continue to go and see a cousellor if there is a way for me to save our relationship. But she has outrighly refused before to see a cousellor. I understand that the way this is written that is sounds mostly my fault that things did not work out, but she has issue to.

 

One of the main things is that she can moan about anything and everything, now I personally find it funny and its one of the traits that I love about her. But it is also one of the things that can drive me up the wall with her specially after stressful days. Can a counsellor help me deal with these sort of issues or would they need to see both of us to talk it through. ?????

 

Any Good Advice would be really useful are the mo I really want to get back with my EX and would do naything to get back but we both need to be happy for this to work. Do you think she still likes me soooooo Confusing all this love lark !!!!

[HotCaliGirl]

I think you have to give her some space. Now that YOU'VE come around and your feelings are sparked up for her, you want her to feel the same way towards you. It took you 6 weeks after the split to start having these feelings for her again. You have to realize that it could take her 6 months, 6 years or never.

 

You are sending her too many text messages. The flowers and all the stuff you left on her bed were way too much. I'd be upset if the person I broke up with came into my house just because he still had the keys, while I wasn't there. I don't want to sound tough, but when you sent her that funny text and she told you she thought it was funny, and you responded by regularly sending her witty, funny stuff - that is way too much and she is probably regretting having told you she thought that was funny. Because she's not initiating calls and texts to you, but only responding here and there, it is evidence that she is not all into you at this time and not ready to get back together. You haven't given her space to miss you.

 

Also, the nagging which you didn't like - you are wondering if you can change that about her by your visits to the councilor because she doesn't want to go. Well, that trait sounds like it is a part of who she is and you are falling for her now that you are apart because there is no opportunity for her to nag so you forget what that was like. Once she starts nagging again, things will be how they were before. Your councilor may provide you with coping tools, as far as how to respond when she nags, but I don't think you can "teach" her how to not nag.

 

Personally, I don't think you should have texted her that message - to go out to see if there is a chemical spark, and then if there was, to go out again to then deal with your issues! Come on...it should be the other way around! Plus, she's not ready...I might be wrong and she might say ok, but I would've waited until she too acts like she likes and misses you. Usually when a girl is really over a guy, it is impossible to develop feelings for them again, at least that's the case with me. We give it our all and try and try and try but when it's over, poof. It's gone. I'm telling you this so you are also prepared for consequences that might not be in your favor.

 

On the other hand, she might be feeling the same for you but you'll find that out with the answer you get...

[Bubsa]

Many Thanks for the reply it was great to hear this from a woman's prospective.

 

I understand what you are saying about time and space and I know that I will have to do this but it is really hard. I have to see her at least twice a week when I go to pick my little boy up I try and avoiding talking to her about anything else during this time as I don't want to put pressure on her. Thats why i used to send her Text messages so she could read them and reply when and if she wanted to. She has not replied to a few of them from your post I can now understand why.

 

Please also understand when I say she nags\moans about things, I do not want to change that about her, like you and I have both said that is part of her and honestly its one of the traits I really love about her. I just want to be able to handle it better sometimes, See I am a placid bloke, parents are from the Caribbean I have been told so many times that I am so laid back I might as well be horizontal. Hence why we fit together really well when we are happy.

 

Its when things are bad that when the issue arises but it is something we would have to sort out should I be able to win her back.

 

Again I wished I had asked before I sent that text message after reading your reply I have to agree that it would have been much better had she sent it to me.

 

Do you think I should now wait and see what she wants and not talk to her regarding anything other than our son. Or what would you recommend I do next. I am still doing my counselling sessions which is sorting my head right out.

 

Why oh Why is this love lark sooooo confusing I love her and she loved me but we did not live happily ever after!!! DOH !!!

 

I cant give up fighting for her yet she and my son are the best things that have happened to me.

[HotCaliGirl]

Please leave her alone! Stop texting her! She has no choice but to see you when you pick up your son, so keep things limited to him as far as any conversations are concerned. You are pushing her away and I can feel how I would be resisting you too and I know she must be feeling the same. You are being very selfish, just because YOU are suddenly back into her. She is not and you are pushing her so hard that you are pushing her away and will cause long term damage if you keep this up. You acknowledge that it is really hard to give her time and space, yet you ignore her needs in order for you to feel good about contacting her. Nobody said that the right thing to do is easy. You are not a child and you have to learn to do things that are difficult to do if they will be beneficial. I bet she is deleting your texts without even reading them, that's how fed up she is, that's how I would feel. Stop it already.

[Bubsa]

Many Thanks for taking the time and effort to read my issues also Cheers for the Advice reallly good to hear it from a Womens point of view some very interesting points you have stated.

 

I am like a big kid really blinded by my selfishness. I have never really been emotional I go to a counsellor for a few sessions she makes a bit of sense to me and tells me how to come out of my shell a bit and all of a sudden I think I am Mr Bombastic Fantastic. (DOH!!!!!).

 

I did not mean to pressure her I undersatnd totally what you are saying was just so happy that I found some answers to some of my problems that I did not think of what damage I was doing.

 

I will not talk to her about anything will apolgise for pressuring her tomorrow and say nothing else will just pick me boy up.

 

I suppose what you are saying is give it time and if it was meant to be she will contact me am I right ???

[HotCaliGirl]

Exactly! Be the type of person she WOULD want in her life. Don't suffocate her. Ask how she's doing, ask about your son, focus on her needs, not yours and over time she will find you someone she wants to be with again. If you are all gaga about going out with her to get back together, sending her a million texts and in her face about it, sending gifts and the whole deal, she is just going to put you on "ignore" mode and nothing you do or say will have meaning other than annoyance.

 

You don't necessarily need to apologize but say that after giving it some thought you see that she needs some more time to herself and that you will respect that. Think about her. Now that you've been working on yourself, you are focused mosty on your needs. Just take a deep breath, step back and follow her pace, respond to the topics she brings up and one day she will be talking about the two of you and you can take it from there, but give it some time or else you are making things much worse~

[Bubsa]

I have been thinking a lot the last couple days things seem to make more sense now that my head is clear. I think the biggest reason I want her back is because before my son was born and about a year and a half into our relationship I KNEW that she really loved me she would do anything for me and she even told me the one and only time ANYONE has ever told me that they "love me".

 

For the 2 months during this period thats the best I have ever felt for being me I actually started to open up to her and let her into my heart (Something I have never really did with ANYONE). In fact bar seeing my son born was probally the most happiest I have been in my life.

 

Now after my Son was born something changed between us I know that its hard when you have a little one who is in constant need of care and attention. But everytime I think of our relationship all I want is to get to the stage of where she loved me sooo much and in turn I could try and open up to and show and say to her how much I love her.

 

I think she loved me after my son was born but it was not the same it was not with all her heart. Subconsciously I started resenting her for this and started putting the barriers back up and not letting her close to me again. I believe the only way we could get back together and last is if we got to the stage of her loving me like she did before and me doing WHATEVER it takes to open up to her and love her back with all my heart.

 

IS there any chance of these feelings EVER coming back ??? Is this what people call the Honeymoon period and once its gone its gone.??? Has the feelings gone because of our child ???? Am I living with a illusion of what love is ???? Have I casued her to be withdrawn and the she was unable to love me like she used to ???

Really confusing me this and I don't think I can move on with my life unless I find the answer.

 

Is it unfair to ask my EX this question. Even if she does not want to get back with me I need to find the answer to this.