Why does it hurt so bad?

[LEILA]

Hey,

 

I really need everyone´s help right now..I am on the verge of breaking down

 

I posted a long while ago about my relationship with a guy who I have a thre-year-old daughter with...

 

Basically, the issue was that he could never totally committ during our four years´of marriage. He sort of left that shadow of doubt hanging over my head that he may not always be able to be completely monogamous. Also During our relationship he would say something like : What do you say about us taking a break for the summer? Pressuring me numerous times about wanting to have threesomes etc. Saying that: If you say you would leave me if I told you that I slept with someone-then I probably wouldn´t tell you..

 

He used to say that it´s only people who have set the rules and boundaries and that monogamy is something that we made up ourselves, and is not necessary the 100% way to go.

 

These doubts were intensified by the fact that he went out partying about 3 times a week (till morning), smoked "weed" every day etc. He wasn´t very active when it came to our daughter either. He has a really good job though, so I am not rying to make him out to be a bum who just lies around on the couch all day. His career (in TV-production)is something that compels him to work late hours, stay out, maybe travel, so that will always be there..

 

Since we broke up-he has tried so hard to get back together..He says he realizes how I felt now, and that the reasons he didn´t see those issues as being so big was because he has grown up seeing infidelity around him and always saw the relationships working out anyway. He is from the Caribbean, but grew up in the States..

 

The dilemma I am in is that I still-after all the nights home alone, all the distrust.. I am still hurting. Why is this?? If it was really so bad then why am I hurting? Maybe he could really change-it seems as though he truly loves me.

 

I started seeing a guy after we broke up-and my ex doesn´t care.. He´s willing to look past all this if I just let him back in, and have the ewillingness to forgive and try to trust him again.

 

He says that he honestly(during our relationship)never slept with anyone. He kissed someone once, and probably would have slept with people on at least two occasions if the opportunity had come up.. He never realized the seriousness of the situation at the time he says...even though I expressed my pain so many times. He says that after everything we went through now, I should understand that he would never do anything to jeopardize this relationship again..

 

The guy I am seeing is so nice-however, I see a lot of talk on this forum about rebound relationships. I know that´s what this is, because otherwise i wouldn´t still be hurting.

 

The guy he´s the most wonderful guy you could think of. What bugs me is that I don´t know if we´re on the same intellectual level. I am interested in the world around me and have lots of opinions.. He hasn´t had the opportunity to develop this side in him- I have a bachelor´s degree-he didn´t go to college... Do you think this is important??

 

Me and my ex clicked so well intellectually...

 

However, I am wondering if I am just using this as an excuse against this new guy, because I am really not ready.

 

He is perfect in every other way...I know for sure I would never have a problem trusting him...

 

Please help me! I am so down about this whole matter! Sometimes I am so sure I made the right decision in breaking up with my ex. Sometimes I think that maybe these issues are too small, and that every relationship goes through hard times. My daughter now has to grow up without having two parents and so on. I feel like i am blind and I can´t see clearly..

 

´Help me see the light anyone...

[Rogue]

I can relate to parts of your post, when you said you FEEL you might have made the wrong decision about breaking up......even though you know you did the right thing.

 

For the record---you did the right thing breaking up. I know it doesn't feel right now, but it is. It's possible for the "right" thing to feel awful, just as it's possible to feel good while doing something wrong. There are times when you have to listen to your better part, not your emotions. This is one of them. You've made the right decision to break up. Now stick to your guns or you'll end up feeling like garbage like you used to when you were in that relationship.

 

As for the new guy who seems nice, I think you should give him a chance. Don't compare him to the old one, just try to relax a bit and find out more about him.And even if he doesn't work out, you can find someone else who will. There's no law that says you have to be in a relationship, so there's no need to rush into anything. Who says you have to wait to be in a relationship to be happy?