Anonymous letter

[Outofthefog2015]

I've done the absolute worst thing and knowingly got involved with a married man. I'm attractive, divorced and while I have absolutely no issues getting a date; finding good single men that fit my criteria has been difficult.

 

After just sending a few emails something snapped and I stopped replying.(it was wrong and stupid!) He was persistant and seemed to be saying all the right things. Even stated he was going to be seeking a divorce soon. I was a women feeling empty and seeked an emotional connection. I ached for companionship but not so much on a physical level. He lived several hours away and I convinced myself it would go nowhere.

 

The affair lasted 3yrs which ultimately turned physical. We were in love, talked about dreams and even made plans to be together yada yada yada. It wasn't until after 2yrs that he told me he wasn't going to leave his wife. I immediately wanted out but felt stuck and depressed. How could I let this happen! This isn't who I am. I had thoughts of telling his wife in an anonymous letter. I no longer trusted anything he said (how could I trust a cheat anyway!) Bogus, everything he said was lies and I got played. Yep I said it and I know it.

 

I continued to live my single life by dating through out the affair. I tried to break it off 100x but we couldn't let go. I wanted out so bad but the heart wants what it wants.Then one day, he stopped contacting me without warning. I sent several unanswered emails, weeks turned into months and nothing.

 

I should feel relieved that it's finally over right? Nah, the thoughts of telling his wife couldn't be more greater. Not because I want him back but for closure. It's been 7 months of no contact, still feeling the weight of our wrong doing on my shoulders. I disrespected myself while he retreats home with his tail between his legs playing husband of the year. He continues his marriage while his wife is oblivious. This isn't his first time cheating, he's admitted to several affairs.

 

Now that I'm out of the fog; I'm disgusted. Will finally telling his wife make me feel cleansed? I don't want to hurt her but don't you think she deserves to know? How do you move on from such a toxic love affair?

Edited August 31, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs ~6

[Clarence_Boddicker]

You don't know her, only what he told you. You can't trust him. Yes, in a perfect world she should know, but not from you. Your only motivation is to harm him. You don't care about or empathize with her. Take the high road & apply your painful lessons learned to your next relationship.

[TerraIncognita]

You want to tell the wife because you want revenge. You want him to hurt because you are hurting. Don't do it. The repercussions of your exposé could be very damaging to a lot of innocent victims - his wife, his children, extended family. Don't burden your conscience with revengeful acts.

 

Only you can forgive yourself and feel cleansed if you are truly repentant.

[Starbright78]

Don't do it. She will find out sooner or later if she doesn't already know her H has the wandering eye. Move on and be glad it's over.

[Friskyone4u]

Your reasons to want to tell his wife seem a little late. It just sounds like you are pissed off because he apparently ended it on his terms with no input from you and it is not hard to understand why that hurts you.

 

Now, as far as his wife is concerned. Morally, she deserves to know what kind of man she is married to, who has betrayed her multiple times and from your description is a serial cheater.

 

N ow the big questions for you is are you SURE you don't want to tell her for the purpose of fracturing their relationship so that he will turn back to you. If that is the case, you are telling her for the wrong reason. You know that the immediate effect will he will break NC and contact you, which gives you a chance to lure him back in.

 

If you can look yourself in the mirror and know that if he contacts you that you will not go see him or meet with him and you will block any communication from him, then go ahead and tell her. if you reaction is going to be to go to lunch or dinner with him to get " closure", then stay silent

[Susmay]

Having been on this forum many years, I can say that most (not all) OWs and fOWs say don't tell, and most BWs (again not all) say tell. I'm a BW and say his BW has a right to know and needs to know, and your "motives" are not relevant.

 

I vote for "tell her".

[Sunshine33]

I am moved by Susmay's advice as a BW. However, this is about no one but you. Keep yourself clean. You are already disgusted with yourself for your own conduct "this is not who I am" (although you are among friends in this forum...myself included). You have to look at yourself in the mirror in the morning. Learn your lessons, square your shoulders, walk away, believe that karma will catch up, and go out and find your respectable guy. Affairs get nast-y. You don't want to be a party to that. Walk away.

[bathtub-row]

Maybe a stupid question but are you sure that he's still alive? I mean, just disappearing like that is pretty odd. If you know for sure that he's still drawing breath, then ok.

 

I don't know if you should send the letter or not but if he just disappeared without a word, that's pretty heartless.

[NewLeaf512]

Maybe a stupid question but are you sure that he's still alive? I mean, just disappearing like that is pretty odd. If you know for sure that he's still drawing breath, then ok.

 

I don't know if you should send the letter or not but if he just disappeared without a word, that's pretty heartless.

 

 

 

that's what mine did. Just dropped me down a well. He's alive. I am guessing OP has tried various means to see where he is.

[lftbehind]

That is really bad that AP would just not contact you without an explanation and I think that he should at least give you one. You deserve that, but it looks like he isn't going to contact you. It must be really hard to let go when you were so close. The best thing to do is take how long you need to get over him and take care of yourself. I think that his wife probably has suspicions about him and she may even know that he's cheated before. Feel relief from being out of the situation and take care.

[Sassy Girl]

Having been on this forum many years, I can say that most (not all) OWs and fOWs say don't tell, and most BWs (again not all) say tell. I'm a BW and say his BW has a right to know and needs to know, and your "motives" are not relevant.

 

I vote for "tell her".

 

I agree with this - on the provision that you own your part in it. Don't just make it about the evil MM....

 

You knew he was married. You didn't care. You went there anyway.

 

Yeah it's the right thing to do, but don't pretend for a second your telling her for her own good, because you had no regard for her while you were having sex with her husband.

[lftbehind]

I agree with this - on the provision that you own your part in it. Don't just make it about the evil MM....

 

You knew he was married. You didn't care. You went there anyway.

 

Yeah it's the right thing to do, but don't pretend for a second your telling her for her own good, because you had no regard for her while you were having sex with her husband.

 

That's pretty aggressive

[Qboro90]

Telling her won't "cleanse you"... You're only wanting to do it for selfish reasons. You're actually thinking of telling this mans wife who you've never met or know and in all likelihood turning her life upside down and wreaking havoc on her emotions? Because it will make YOU feel better.

 

You've already screwed the woman's husband, don't screw her even more and ruin her happiness through ignorance and not knowing.

 

If karma is real then if you tell his wife, you're gonna get double the pain coming back to you eventually. Why not just stick with 1 crummy decision instead of 2?

[Sassy Girl]

That's pretty aggressive

 

No, it's direct. And true. And as a former OW, it applies to me too.

[sandylee1]

That's pretty aggressive

 

I don't see it as agressive, its just the truth. The OP didn't care that he was married and the situation now , is you're pissed off that family life continues for him. Truth is you don't really know that's the case.

 

Many times the OW feels hurt after being dumped on dday. They think it's all fine and dandy because the MM wasn't kicked out. This isn't true at all.

 

The BW may have found emails between you leading to a dday. He probably said something like she means nothing and NC is no problem for me. I'll drop her and block her right now.

[Space Ritual]

I've done the absolute worst thing and knowingly got involved with a married man. I'm attractive, divorced and while I have absolutely no issues getting a date; finding good single men that fit my criteria has been difficult.

 

After just sending a few emails something snapped and I stopped replying.(it was wrong and stupid!) He was persistant and seemed to be saying all the right things. Even stated he was going to be seeking a divorce soon. I was a women feeling empty and seeked an emotional connection. I ached for companionship but not so much on a physical level. He lived several hours away and I convinced myself it would go nowhere.

 

The affair lasted 3yrs which ultimately turned physical. We were in love, talked about dreams and even made plans to be together yada yada yada. It wasn't until after 2yrs that he told me he wasn't going to leave his wife. I immediately wanted out but felt stuck and depressed. How could I let this happen! This isn't who I am. I had thoughts of telling his wife in an anonymous letter. I no longer trusted anything he said (how could I trust a cheat anyway!) Bogus, everything he said was lies and I got played. Yep I said it and I know it.

 

I continued to live my single life by dating through out the affair. I tried to break it off 100x but we couldn't let go. I wanted out so bad but the heart wants what it wants.Then one day, he stopped contacting me without warning. I sent several unanswered emails, weeks turned into months and nothing.

 

I should feel relieved that it's finally over right? Nah, the thoughts of telling his wife couldn't be more greater. Not because I want him back but for closure. It's been 7 months of no contact, still feeling the weight of our wrong doing on my shoulders. I disrespected myself while he retreats home with his tail between his legs playing husband of the year. He continues his marriage while his wife is oblivious. This isn't his first time cheating, he's admitted to several affairs.

 

Now that I'm out of the fog; I'm disgusted. Will finally telling his wife make me feel cleansed? I don't want to hurt her but don't you think she deserves to know? How do you move on from such a toxic love affair?

 

Oh come the hell on. Use some common sense. Of course you tell his wife. Why? Because it's the right thing to do. No matter if you feel cleansed, you do what is right.

 

if you want to feel cleansed go read the St. Louis Evening Whirl...

[anika99]

Most spouses would probably want to know but I don't think sending an anonymous letter is a good way to go about it. First of all it's cowardly. You want to out the MM while you stay hidden. You want him and his family to suffer the consequences of his affair while you stay safe behind your anonymous letter. How will doing something so cruel cleanse your soul?

 

Secondly anything you put in a letter will be disputed by the MM. His wife will take the letter to him and he will sucessfully deny it all. He will make up some story about crazy people making up lies because they are out to get him. She may not totally believe him but an anonymous letter doesn't give her enough proof to make her not believe him. In that sense all your letter will do is torment her with doubt and confusion but not give her enough truth to actually help her. It would just be another act of cruelty against her.

 

So if you have remorse and you want to tell her because you want to come clean and at the same time help her then do it like a decent mature human being. Reveal yourself. Call her and tell her who you are. Provide her with proof of the affair and be prepared to answer her questions while facing her pain and anger. If you can't do that then leave her alone and don't do anything because sending a cowardly anonymous letter will not make you a better person, it will make you worse.

[lftbehind]

No, it's direct. And true. And as a former OW, it applies to me too.

 

Maybe it could have been said in a kinder way, though.

[wanderingxsoulz]

You want to tell the wife because you want revenge. You want him to hurt because you are hurting. Don't do it. The repercussions of your exposé could be very damaging to a lot of innocent victims - his wife, his children, extended family. Don't burden your conscience with revengeful acts.

 

Only you can forgive yourself and feel cleansed if you are truly repentant.

Thanks for this. I needed it. Exactly how I feel... so torn. I left him but I can't move on. On one hand I wish him all the best because I want him to be happy even if it's not with me and because I love him. On the other hand, he seems to be doing fine without me, like I never meant anything, and I'm hurting so much that I wish I could hurt him too so that he feels a fraction of how I feel, so that I'm not the only one having a hard time.

[Grapesofwrath]

I agree with Anika. An anonymous letter is cowardly. You just toss in the grenade and walk away without injury? No.

 

If you seek atonement, then you must talk with her directly and own your part. Face her rightful rage and anger. Face the consequences of your actions, with the awareness that you may not be able to safely predict what they all might be. If you aren't prepared to do that, then leave it alone and walk away. That's how you know that your real motivation is revenge.

[ladydesigner]

I've done the absolute worst thing and knowingly got involved with a married man. I'm attractive, divorced and while I have absolutely no issues getting a date; finding good single men that fit my criteria has been difficult.

 

After just sending a few emails something snapped and I stopped replying.(it was wrong and stupid!) He was persistant and seemed to be saying all the right things. Even stated he was going to be seeking a divorce soon. I was a women feeling empty and seeked an emotional connection. I ached for companionship but not so much on a physical level. He lived several hours away and I convinced myself it would go nowhere.

 

The affair lasted 3yrs which ultimately turned physical. We were in love, talked about dreams and even made plans to be together yada yada yada. It wasn't until after 2yrs that he told me he wasn't going to leave his wife. I immediately wanted out but felt stuck and depressed. How could I let this happen! This isn't who I am. I had thoughts of telling his wife in an anonymous letter. I no longer trusted anything he said (how could I trust a cheat anyway!) Bogus, everything he said was lies and I got played. Yep I said it and I know it.

 

I continued to live my single life by dating through out the affair. I tried to break it off 100x but we couldn't let go. I wanted out so bad but the heart wants what it wants.Then one day, he stopped contacting me without warning. I sent several unanswered emails, weeks turned into months and nothing.

 

I should feel relieved that it's finally over right? Nah, the thoughts of telling his wife couldn't be more greater. Not because I want him back but for closure. It's been 7 months of no contact, still feeling the weight of our wrong doing on my shoulders. I disrespected myself while he retreats home with his tail between his legs playing husband of the year. He continues his marriage while his wife is oblivious. This isn't his first time cheating, he's admitted to several affairs.

 

Now that I'm out of the fog; I'm disgusted. Will finally telling his wife make me feel cleansed? I don't want to hurt her but don't you think she deserves to know? How do you move on from such a toxic love affair?

 

 

Outofthefog2015 first off be thankful you dodged a bullet because this serial cheater could have left his wife and become yours!

 

As a BW myself, I would want to know, and there are ways of doing it anonymously if your sole reason for doing so is because you feel she should know and you actually feel remorse and empathy for her.

 

I would work with a therapist on forgiving yourself and try not to get into this type of relationship again as most A's are toxic relationships.

[NewLeaf512]

 

don't screw her even more and ruin her happiness through ignorance and not knowing.

 

If karma is real then if you tell his wife, you're gonna get double the pain coming back to you eventually. Why not just stick with 1 crummy decision instead of 2?

 

 

whoa!

 

 

I am not a BS so I have no comment on if they want or don't want to know. However the bolded above it astounding to me.

 

 

If I may ask are you male? This is one of the most misogynistic and terrifying anti-feminist sentiments I've seen casually thrown out in years.

 

 

Perhaps you didn't mean it to be articulated in that way. Can you please clarify?

 

 

Are you suggesting that being ignorant of the truth and intentionally kept in the dark devoid of information is the way to keep a woman happy?

 

 

This is all very confusing.

 

 

Thanks

[NewLeaf512]

I agree with Anika. An anonymous letter is cowardly. You just toss in the grenade and walk away without injury? No.

 

If you seek atonement, then you must talk with her directly and own your part. Face her rightful rage and anger. Face the consequences of your actions, with the awareness that you may not be able to safely predict what they all might be. If you aren't prepared to do that, then leave it alone and walk away. That's how you know that your real motivation is revenge.

 

 

this is it exactly A+

[beatcuff]

Will finally telling his wife make me feel cleansed?

 

doubtful. but BEFORE you 'drop the dime' consider this: why not take a look at the infidelity section. i would check prior posts of those BS that have replied 'to tell' on this thread. after reading a handful i do not know why you would.

 

you can expect the BS to 'expose' you by telling everyone you know, including your employer, neighbors, family, friends. the BS may do her best to get you fired from your job, kicked out of your place of worship. the BS may inflict physical harm. you can expect to be followed (by a PI) as the BS will want to determine it really is over. further the BS you might give/send harassing phone calls, texts, FB messages.

 

seriously --- the suggestions of BS for revenge make telling just not worth it.

[Outofthefog2015]

Thank you all. I know this is something I need to heal from however, counseling isn't an option for me right now. Just to set the record straight, I don't want to hurt his family. That's why I've stalled for so long. I agree with some that say an anonymous letter is cowardly but to protect my identity is huge for safety reasons.