Anonymous letter

[Outofthefog2015]

You want to tell the wife because you want revenge. You want him to hurt because you are hurting. Don't do it. The repercussions of your exposé could be very damaging to a lot of innocent victims - his wife, his children, extended family. Don't burden your conscience with revengeful acts.

 

Only you can forgive yourself and feel cleansed if you are truly repentant.

Ah but didn't he put them in jeopardy of this before? I won't deny feeling vengeful. My conscience is already burdened, coming clean starts the healing process.

[trolloperative]

I vote for tell her, the motivation doesn't matter. Do not send an anonymous letter that's cowardly. Let her know how you are and if she wants proof, assuming you still have it, she can ask you to forward it to her.

 

My guess is he left you to pursue his next affair, serial cheaters always do. MM is putting her at risk for STDs. Wouldn't you want to know?

[TerraIncognita]

Ah but didn't he put them in jeopardy of this before? I won't deny feeling vengeful. My conscience is already burdened, coming clean starts the healing process.

 

whatever he has done, it's on his conscience.

 

Let's imagine you stuck around and he left his Mrs to live happily after with you. And revealing your affair would complicate and delay his divorce. Would you still go ahead and offer your mea culpa to her, just to unburden your conscience and cleanse it? I don't think so.

 

You are driven purely by revenge.

 

If you need to rationalize what you want to do, which is to out him, there are plenty of people here who will help you do just that. I am just not one of them.

[sweet_pea]

Thank you all. I know this is something I need to heal from however, counseling isn't an option for me right now. Just to set the record straight, I don't want to hurt his family. That's why I've stalled for so long. I agree with some that say an anonymous letter is cowardly but to protect my identity is huge for safety reasons.

 

What are the safety implications of revealing your identity?

[anika99]

Ah but didn't he put them in jeopardy of this before? I won't deny feeling vengeful. My conscience is already burdened, coming clean starts the healing process.

 

Once again, sending an anonymous letter is not coming clean, it's just ratting out your MM. Just like if a friend and I robbed a store and later on I anonymously called the police to tell them my friend robbed the store but refused to reveal my identity that wouldn't be coming clean, that would just be being a snitch.

[Marc878]

Why not?

 

Honesty is always the best way.

[TerraIncognita]

Thanks for this. I needed it. Exactly how I feel... so torn. I left him but I can't move on. On one hand I wish him all the best because I want him to be happy even if it's not with me and because I love him. On the other hand, he seems to be doing fine without me, like I never meant anything, and I'm hurting so much that I wish I could hurt him too so that he feels a fraction of how I feel, so that I'm not the only one having a hard time.

 

I don't know your story, but I feel for you.

 

I broke up with my attached man 6 months ago. Went nc. I was in pieces, and the silence on his side was almost unbearable. I too thought I meant nothing to him, and while I was dying of pain, he got away unscathed.

 

He reached out to me last week. Told me how he misses me every single minute, how the pain of losing me is too much to bear, and he'd do anything for me to come back. (except for becoming available, I thought to myself and chuckled). He said he loves me all the more for being so strong to walk away and not look back.

 

My point is... They do suffer, too. And unlike us, gals, who spread our pain amongst our girlfriends, and talk about it and ease our pain, they have no one to share it with. They have to suffer in silence. Don't think he shrugged his shoulders, forgot about you and is now living happily after. It's not the case, most of the time.

 

PM me for a link to a resource that provides insight to what men go through after their affair ends. It will help you to make it through this difficult period.

 

OP, apologies for the off topic post.

[Sassy Girl]

Thank you all. I know this is something I need to heal from however, counseling isn't an option for me right now. Just to set the record straight, I don't want to hurt his family. That's why I've stalled for so long. I agree with some that say an anonymous letter is cowardly but to protect my identity is huge for safety reasons.

 

"Safety reasons"

 

Sounds like you want to dodge the consequences of your own actions.

 

Cowardly indeed.

[Sweetgirlie]

I don't know your story, but I feel for you.

 

I broke up with my attached man 6 months ago. Went nc. I was in pieces, and the silence on his side was almost unbearable. I too thought I meant nothing to him, and while I was dying of pain, he got away unscathed.

 

He reached out to me last week. Told me how he misses me every single minute, how the pain of losing me is too much to bear, and he'd do anything for me to come back. (except for becoming available, I thought to myself and chuckled). He said he loves me all the more for being so strong to walk away and not look back.

 

My point is... They do suffer, too. And unlike us, gals, who spread our pain amongst our girlfriends, and talk about it and ease our pain, they have no one to share it with. They have to suffer in silence. Don't think he shrugged his shoulders, forgot about you and is now living happily after. It's not the case, most of the time.

 

PM me for a link to a resource that provides insight to what men go through after their affair ends. It will help you to make it through this difficult period.

 

OP, apologies for the off topic post.

 

 

Can I pm you too for this resource? I'm not sure how to pm you though!

[TerraIncognita]

Can I pm you too for this resource? I'm not sure how to pm you though!

 

Of course! Trying to figure out if there is a system for private messages... Anyone can help us?!

[Outofthefog2015]

"Safety reasons"

 

Sounds like you want to dodge the consequences of your own actions.

 

Cowardly indeed.

I don't lack the courage of telling her, I lack the courage of telling my identity. That to me is of unimportance . Truth is what she'd appreciate.

[Qboro90]

whoa!

 

 

I am not a BS so I have no comment on if they want or don't want to know. However the bolded above it astounding to me.

 

 

If I may ask are you male? This is one of the most misogynistic and terrifying anti-feminist sentiments I've seen casually thrown out in years.

 

 

Perhaps you didn't mean it to be articulated in that way. Can you please clarify?

 

 

Are you suggesting that being ignorant of the truth and intentionally kept in the dark devoid of information is the way to keep a woman happy?

 

 

This is all very confusing.

 

 

Thanks

 

 

 

Sure I can elaborate. And yes I am male by the way. If majority don't agree with my opinion then that's completely fine and understandable, it's possible I could be wrong so not gonna argue with you if that's the case.

 

I just feel like the OP has done enough at this point and has no reason to interject herself back into their marriage by sending this letter. She had the affair with him, it ended. From what we know right now she is no longer in contact with him and they are out of one another's lives. We also have no idea what the married man and his wife know/don't know, or what kind of relationship the truly have from what she said. She might know, she might have no idea. She might have her own issues or they've gone through things in the past... Who the heck knows.

 

So why would Op want to deliberately start drama and involve herself back into it? It's not as simple as sending a letter and washing your hands of the situation. Plus an anonymous letter can in all likelihood be denied or explained away by the husband as someone listed in earlier replies.

 

What if the wife is completely happy and thinks she has a wonderful husband and marriage? Now obviously she doesn't but I guess the question is - is it the Op's responsibility or place to interfere with that woman's happiness or lack there of, her personal life, and the future she has. What if the financial situation of a divorce would cripple the wife? What if she is an angry person who turns violent when told? What if she confronts her husband and finds out who the OP is and then contacts her or goes to see her in person? What if she reaches out to the OP's employer and reveals that she's been having an affair with her husband just to get revenge?

 

Like I said, we have no idea and no one can foresee those answers. What we do know is that right now she's out of his life and out of the situation. She has total control over her feelings and what she does from her on out and can move on however she chooses. If she sends this letter, then all of that turns into the unknown and anything can happen.

[movingon123]

Oh, my, terraincognita, I was just composing a new message about how I much I'm hurting and can't stop obsessing. I think and analyze things every which way. The silence is absolutely deafening, and I keep telling myself that I must understand he doesn't want my contact so I must leave him alone and I have. But it is just awful. I sleep only 5-6 hours a night. I start a new job this week and can't focus on my prep work for it. I think about it during any empty moment.

 

I play an instrument and take lessons and am about to start playing with a group, I have kids (I'm divorced), I have friends (only one of whom I've told about this and I don't think she likes me talking about it too much so I don't), so my life is full. I tried a sleeping pill from the dr. and hated it. I was so ashamed about this that I couldn't even tell her why I'm such a mess other than "a relationship ended". I see a therapist, but I know he thinks I'm obsessing too much so I don't even feel like I should share it with him anymore. I've looked up cognitive behavioral therapy and tried some of the techniques to no avail.

 

It is very helpful to know that maybe, just maybe, this is hard on him, too. That he really did mean it when he said he loved me. I know it was more than sex, I really do. The ending was so awful for me, though, as he wouldn't respond to my "I will miss you's". It was what made me question everything. I truly think my heartache would be so much less if he could have just said some kind words about how he really felt, because I know he did feel something. At one point in our conversation when I was saying how much I cared for him, he gave a gasp-like cry. Why couldn't he say something?

 

Maybe someday I'll hear from him again. But it's helpful to hear you say that they probably do care. Thanks for that.

[movingon123]

Of course! Trying to figure out if there is a system for private messages... Anyone can help us?!

 

I can't as I'm new to this forum too but would love the resource as well.

[TerraIncognita]

Can I pm you too for this resource? I'm not sure how to pm you though!

 

you have to be a subscriber to have private messages enabled.

 

Try googling "affair advice". The first link will be the resource I mentioned, hosted on wordpress platform, to give you another pointer. Let me know if you find it helpful.

 

I hope referring to another source is not against terms of use of LS.

[movingon123]

Thanks, I have seen this before. Again, too much googling for me. It was one of the more helpful things, I admit. Although, his experience was different because he did have a "bunny boiler" for an ap. I wonder what it is like for them when the ow doesn't hound him and I think the answer to that really varies. I mean, this is real life, and nothing is the same for everyone. So who knows?

 

How long did it take for you to do better? I will have days where I will actually feel like I don't care anymore. I think I just don't want to not care. I miss those feelings I had and am not yet willing to let those go away. Did you feel that way when you started to feel differently toward him?

[TerraIncognita]

Thanks, I have seen this before. Again, too much googling for me. It was one of the more helpful things, I admit. Although, his experience was different because he did have a "bunny boiler" for an ap. I wonder what it is like for them when the ow doesn't hound him and I think the answer to that really varies. I mean, this is real life, and nothing is the same for everyone. So who knows?

 

How long did it take for you to do better? I will have days where I will actually feel like I don't care anymore. I think I just don't want to not care. I miss those feelings I had and am not yet willing to let those go away. Did you feel that way when you started to feel differently toward him?

 

 

Have you read the interviews with cheaters on that site? I found them comforting. Every single guy mentioned how they missed their OW, even in the absence of any contact, how they still think about them, some still love them, even years later. Not that I think it's healthy to be so stuck on anyone, but at the time that was what I needed to hear and read.

 

How long ago did you break up?

 

I can tell that I definitely turned the corner about 4 months after I walked away. I've put in a lot of internal work into moving on, I don't believe you should just sit and wait to get over it. It's a process, not an event.

 

What was truly cathartic for me was to buy a helium baloon, take it to a park and release it as a symbol of my love for him. I told the universe to take back my wasted love and fix it, and give it to another heartbroken girl so she could be happy. That with the baloon I release myself from pain, from sorrow, from despair. Letting go of the baloon was very hard, very emotional...but I did it, drowning in tears and sobbing. And it was truly a turning point. From that moment on, I realized that I don't obsess anymore, don't think of him as often, miss him less and less... Now, at 6 months, I am almost completely healed. I don't want him anymore, even if he showed up at my door, available and ready. Too late. It's over for me.

 

You have to help yourself. Any way you can.

[MuddyFootprints]

Either you own it or you don't.

 

Step up or step out. Completely.

[movingon123]

It's only been about 6 weeks. I don't count the days as I feel that is again focusing on it too much, although too late for that. I know the BS can take a year or more to move beyond it so I feel that this can't be too abnormal to be dwelling at this point.

 

I've actually never experienced a break-up other than my marriage and I was completely indifferent by that point. Yes, this was a bit of an exit affair although I never felt I was ending my marriage to run off with him. You can't know someone well enough in an affair to know if you'd want to do that. The secrecy makes that impossible. I did want to know him more, though, and always wished that I could. My marriage I ended for me, because I didn't want it anymore. I'm in my late-40's and was married right out of college after living with h my entire college years. So, my relationship knowledge is stunted.

 

I have read about doing a ceremony of some kind and have considered that. I haven't given up any of the things he gave me (I've read you can burn them) and don't think I ever could. The balloon idea is nice. The idea of never speaking to him again is so stunning to me. A d-day ending is so abrupt.

 

Your experience is very helpful. Thank you so much for sharing. I don't feel as though I can talk about it with friends - you never know what someone's reaction is going to be. So, thanks for responding to my vents. Maybe I'm not going crazy!

[NewLeaf512]

Sure I can elaborate. And yes I am male by the way. If majority don't agree with my opinion then that's completely fine and understandable, it's possible I could be wrong so not gonna argue with you if that's the case.

 

I just feel like the OP has done enough at this point and has no reason to interject herself back into their marriage by sending this letter. She had the affair with him, it ended. From what we know right now she is no longer in contact with him and they are out of one another's lives. We also have no idea what the married man and his wife know/don't know, or what kind of relationship the truly have from what she said. She might know, she might have no idea. She might have her own issues or they've gone through things in the past... Who the heck knows.

 

So why would Op want to deliberately start drama and involve herself back into it? It's not as simple as sending a letter and washing your hands of the situation. Plus an anonymous letter can in all likelihood be denied or explained away by the husband as someone listed in earlier replies.

 

What if the wife is completely happy and thinks she has a wonderful husband and marriage? Now obviously she doesn't but I guess the question is - is it the Op's responsibility or place to interfere with that woman's happiness or lack there of, her personal life, and the future she has. What if the financial situation of a divorce would cripple the wife? What if she is an angry person who turns violent when told? What if she confronts her husband and finds out who the OP is and then contacts her or goes to see her in person? What if she reaches out to the OP's employer and reveals that she's been having an affair with her husband just to get revenge?

 

Like I said, we have no idea and no one can foresee those answers. What we do know is that right now she's out of his life and out of the situation. She has total control over her feelings and what she does from her on out and can move on however she chooses. If she sends this letter, then all of that turns into the unknown and anything can happen.

 

 

Thanks for the honest response. You've not read my posts or you'd know I'm not the arguing type.

 

I am an exOW who did not send a letter. If I recall correctly the OP and the MM parted ways some time ago. It's a revenge move. Agreed.

 

If your W had an A and you found out months or years later. Would you think "wow I am so glad I knew nothing about this A"

 

Or would you feel tricked and resentful?

[Outofthefog2015]

It's only been about 6 weeks. I don't count the days as I feel that is again focusing on it too much, although too late for that. I know the BS can take a year or more to move beyond it so I feel that this can't be too abnormal to be dwelling at this point.

 

I've actually never experienced a break-up other than my marriage and I was completely indifferent by that point. Yes, this was a bit of an exit affair although I never felt I was ending my marriage to run off with him. You can't know someone well enough in an affair to know if you'd want to do that. The secrecy makes that impossible. I did want to know him more, though, and always wished that I could. My marriage I ended for me, because I didn't want it anymore. I'm in my late-40's and was married right out of college after living with h my entire college years. So, my relationship knowledge is stunted.

 

I have read about doing a ceremony of some kind and have considered that. I haven't given up any of the things he gave me (I've read you can burn them) and don't think I ever could. The balloon idea is nice. The idea of never speaking to him again is so stunning to me. A d-day ending is so abrupt.

 

Your experience is very helpful. Thank you so much for sharing. I don't feel as though I can talk about it with friends - you never know what someone's reaction is going to be. So, thanks for responding to my vents. Maybe I'm not going crazy!

I never thought the aching would go away either. I promise it gets better but you'll need to stop wondering how he feels. Focus on yourself and either tell her or don't so you can move on. As far as my story goes I could care less of his feelings. I've closed out my email account, changed # and moving in a week.

Most WS don't fess up anyway and some become so sneaky they just get better at it

[Sassy Girl]

I don't lack the courage of telling her, I lack the courage of telling my identity. That to me is of unimportance . Truth is what she'd appreciate.

 

You don't have the courage to own your actions. Hence not revealing your identity.

 

That's ok though because once MM finds out what you've done he'll likely tell her anyways.

 

Either that or she will dismiss tie claims. Couldn't be true if you don't have the courage to put your name to it.

 

As muddy says: Step up and own your actions or just stay out of it.

[Outofthefog2015]

Either you own it or you don't.

 

Step up or step out. Completely.

 

As I've said before, I have no problems stepping up but why does my personal information need to be apart of the truth?

[DKT3]

So where was this need to confess to his wife while you were sleeping with him? If your intention were pure then that's when your apex to confess should have been. Not months after he cut you off.

 

The thing is, she most likely knows anyway, its likely why he cut you off and hasn't been back around.

 

You want to heal then heal, her knowing doesn't help you do that. As others have point out you don't know or give a sh*t about her. Telling won't make you feel better and it won't get him back. Move on with your life. You holding on to all this is why you can't find a man.

[MuddyFootprints]

Because if you are going to tell the truth, your identity is a significant part of that truth.

 

Why tell half the truth?