Anonymous letter

[Qboro90]

There is also the possibility that the wife will lose her cool and go after OW. She could out her to her job, family, friends, cheating sites and realistically could she her for monetary gain.

 

If you do it, be prepared for the fallout.

 

Totally agree. I had mentioned that in one of my previous replies. The wife can literally do anything. She has no idea. Why risk it?

[NewLeaf512]

See that's the difficult thing to answer and foresee. It would depend on my relationship with my wife. Am I completely happy in the marriage and think she's an amazing woman? And then found out she cheated... Yes I'd be crushed and would leave her, just because I'd never be able to trust her again. Would I feel like she wasted those years when I could've left and started over? Probably. Although if I thought everything was fine and was enjoying the marriage then I can't say for sure that id feel that way.

 

And the thing to ask which we will never know... Is if this mans wife is the kind of woman who would immediately divorce or leave her husband or if she would be able to forgive and want to proceed with the marriage despite his infidelity.

If she's the 2nd type of woman then finding out 4 years from now or tomorrow wouldn't really make a difference. If she's the first type then it would.

 

I guess my view is that the OP cannot ever know that about his wife so why not wash your hands of the situation and let their marriage be between them and them only. Odds are that this man will eventually have another affair. But we can't be sure that he doesn't go back and suddenly become the model husband.

 

Who knows... Again, OP is out, why open herself to all these scenarios and unknowns when it's not her responsibility to open his wife's eyes.

 

 

Thanks for the response. I think there is a 3rd kind of BS. The kind that doesn't forgive but stays to save face and / or financial/ kids (add any other obligation reason here)

 

 

Im not being contrary on purpose here, as I said revenge isn't my thing and frankly even though I am an exOW there are a few extenuating circumstances in my case that shift the paradigm a bit. Qboro you want it both ways. you want to know but you don't? I think this one really has too many variables involved to really give good advice. All in all OP, if you decide to do it, just know he is going to give you up within 60 seconds, do be prepared.

If you think having BS know and him leave her and be with you, that's never going to happen. he will now know it was you and he will probably hate you forever

 

 

 

 

If they or you have children who are under 18 PLEASE Don't

 

 

 

 

 

OP if your reason for wanting to expose is really to cleanse yourself, I'll give you a completely radical option: Don't write to her anon. Write to him anon as if you are someone who knew about the A, and tell MM to confess to his BW because it is the right thing to do. You have satisfied your need to put in writing that you recognise 2 people (you and exMM have done wrong. Implore exMM to do the right thing and give his BS the respect of the truth. Don't threaten, no ultimatums, do it anon as an observer and sign off the letter, post it not to his home, and walk away.

[Ms. Faust]

Thanks for the response. I think there is a 3rd kind of BS. The kind that doesn't forgive but stays to save face and / or financial/ kids (add any other obligation reason here)

 

Ha, I actually think this is the most common type of BS. Anytime a BS or a MM say "I am staying for the kids..." I think of it as an incomplete sentence. What exactly does "staying for the kids" mean? It means keeping the kids in the same house, school district, activities, etc. So When I read "staying for the kids" I usually add "lifestyle" to the end of the sentence, because that is basically what it is. This is especially the case for the SAHM, who are looking at changing the kids lives, possibly putting them in daycare, and above all else... having to get a job.

 

I actually think infidelity is a dealbreaker for many, but they are willing to consider reconciliation solely based on finances.

[goodyblue]

Ha, I actually think this is the most common type of BS. Anytime a BS or a MM say "I am staying for the kids..." I think of it as an incomplete sentence. What exactly does "staying for the kids" mean? It means keeping the kids in the same house, school district, activities, etc. So When I read "staying for the kids" I usually add "lifestyle" to the end of the sentence, because that is basically what it is. This is especially the case for the SAHM, who are looking at changing the kids lives, possibly putting them in daycare, and above all else... having to get a job.

 

I actually think infidelity is a dealbreaker for many, but they are willing to consider reconciliation solely based on finances.

 

My h waited until his daughter was an adult to engage in an A and to leave his ex. And part of it was finances. Her mother makes very little money and he knew no matter how much he gave to take care of her, her life financially would suffer.

 

Part of it was also that he wanted to be more than a part time father but the money side definitely came into play.

[Lovemesomehim]

I've thought about this. Since the affair is over, what's the gain in revealing the affair now? Shouldn't the revelation been done when you two were involved, despite his begging and pleading for you not to disclose the affair? If you do send an rmail, will it be to her work address? Which I think is the wrong thing to do, considering her marriage, her husbands affair is personal. Do you have her personal email?

[wanderingxsoulz]

Former OW here... I have toyed with the idea of telling but it was a very brief thought and I knew I would never do it.

 

Firstly, I knew the reason why I even toyed with idea in the first place was because I wanted everyone to hurt as much as I do, so that they would feel a fraction of my pain. Why should I be the only one hurting when he's enjoying the best of both worlds while his wife is happily ignorant and thinking her husband is the bees knees?

 

Secondly, I care too much about him to ever turn his life upside down like that. I take responsibility for my part in the A.

[ladydesigner]

Ha, I actually think this is the most common type of BS. Anytime a BS or a MM say "I am staying for the kids..." I think of it as an incomplete sentence. What exactly does "staying for the kids" mean? It means keeping the kids in the same house, school district, activities, etc. So When I read "staying for the kids" I usually add "lifestyle" to the end of the sentence, because that is basically what it is. This is especially the case for the SAHM, who are looking at changing the kids lives, possibly putting them in daycare, and above all else... having to get a job.

 

I actually think infidelity is a dealbreaker for many, but they are willing to consider reconciliation solely based on finances.

 

Raising my hand! I am staying currently for lifestyle and the kids, while he is willing to prove himself to be a better husband. I am watching actions not words because I already experienced False R and I am not hanging the A over his head, I honestly am giving this one last shot or I'm out.

 

I'm just not ready to divorce yet, as simple as that.

[Grapesofwrath]

I know a family where the WW (she had a 2-year A with a neighbor. They decided to leave their respective spouses and be together. She told her husband she wanted a D, but her AP backed out) and BS continue to live together for financial reasons. She does not work and he doesn't make enough $$ to support two households in this very expensive city. It is torture for them, and for their kids.

 

From the outside I can think of several ways they could address the problem and free themselves (e.g. she could get a job, as all the kids go to school and she is free during the day) but they choose not to. These things are complicated. (Though if you were to go by Facebook, they are a wonderfully happy family!!)