Anonymous letter

[Outofthefog2015]

You don't have the courage to own your actions. Hence not revealing your identity.

 

That's ok though because once MM finds out what you've done he'll likely tell her anyways.

 

Either that or she will dismiss tie claims. Couldn't be true if you don't have the courage to put your name to it.

 

As muddy says: Step up and own your actions or just stay out of it.

 

I have pretty good information that will raise serious questions and I'm sure he'll know from who it came from. Just from reading through these forum, most are just glad to know regardless of who it came from.

[Grapesofwrath]

As I've said before, I have no problems stepping up but why does my personal information need to be apart of the truth?

 

By avoiding consequences for yourself while visiting them on others, you display cowardice. That is not "stepping up." You pull the pin, throw the grenade, then run for cover.

 

It's okay to have revenge fantasies. Most of us have had them at one time or another. But let's not pretend the motivation is to help the BS.

[movingon123]

I never thought the aching would go away either. I promise it gets better but you'll need to stop wondering how he feels. Focus on yourself and either tell her or don't so you can move on. As far as my story goes I could care less of his feelings. I've closed out my email account, changed # and moving in a week.

Most WS don't fess up anyway and some become so sneaky they just get better at it

 

Sorry, I hijacked your thread. My ex-mm had a d-day so the BS does know. I didn't send a letter to her - she read his email which had an email from me on there. He had deleted all the others so it was only one but it was clear enough.

 

Again, sorry to have gotten off topic!

[Outofthefog2015]

So where was this need to confess to his wife while you were sleeping with him? If your intention were pure then that's when your apex to confess should have been. Not months after he cut you off.

 

The thing is, she most likely knows anyway, its likely why he cut you off and hasn't been back around.

 

You want to heal then heal, her knowing doesn't help you do that. As others have point out you don't know or give a sh*t about her. Telling won't make you feel better and it won't get him back. Move on with your life. You holding on to all this is why you can't find a man.

 

If you read my original post, I did want her to know during the A. I even told him that I wanted out and I felt she should know.

Finding a man has not been a problem as now I can see you're not reading. As I appreciate everyones input and personal experiences, please move on if your intent is to bash.

[Outofthefog2015]

Because if you are going to tell the truth, your identity is a significant part of that truth.

 

Why tell half the truth?

 

Tell me how showing her my picture will make a difference? Enlighten me and I may consider it.

[Outofthefog2015]

By avoiding consequences for yourself while visiting them on others, you display cowardice. That is not "stepping up." You pull the pin, throw the grenade, then run for cover.

 

It's okay to have revenge fantasies. Most of us have had them at one time or another. But let's not pretend the motivation is to help the BS.

I planned on giving her access to ask me anything. Never planned on "throwing a grenade". I Know she'll have questions and I'll be prepared to share with her. What I don't know is how she will react, if aggressive then I need to protect Me.

[MuddyFootprints]

It seems to me you have made up your mind. I didn't suggest sending your photo. Signing your name to a letter, yes. It adds credibility and accountability to your message.

 

If you have to lock down your social media, you should probably do that first.

[Outofthefog2015]

Sorry, I hijacked your thread. My ex-mm had a d-day so the BS does know. I didn't send a letter to her - she read his email which had an email from me on there. He had deleted all the others so it was only one but it was clear enough.

 

Again, sorry to have gotten off topic!

 

No worries at all! I'm new myself and I wish there was an easy way for private messaging. Would be great to chat

[sweet_pea]

By avoiding consequences for yourself while visiting them on others, you display cowardice. That is not "stepping up." You pull the pin, throw the grenade, then run for cover.

 

It's okay to have revenge fantasies. Most of us have had them at one time or another. But let's not pretend the motivation is to help the BS.

 

Yeah, that's how I see it too. You want to tell her so that MM can get his (deserved) consequences while you get none- or so it seems. I guess it's understandable- no one wants to face the consequences or reality of the bad things we've done to someone.

[DKT3]

If you read my original post, I did want her to know during the A. I even told him that I wanted out and I felt she should know.

Finding a man has not been a problem as now I can see you're not reading. As I appreciate everyones input and personal experiences, please move on if your intent is to bash.

 

You wanted out but stayed, you wanted her to know but didn't tell. What's different NOW.

 

I read your post, its neither complicated or original. Its pretty much the run of the mill.

 

What I meant by finding a man wasn't a slight on you as a physical woman, but your state of mind. If you think telling her will ease your guilt or promote healing then your wrong.

 

Its also giving him and his life a great deal of power over yours.

 

I'm done here, you seem closed off and you don't really seem to want actual advice but more of someone to cheer you on. YOUR issues start and stop with the women in the mirror.

[Grapesofwrath]

I planned on giving her access to ask me anything. Never planned on "throwing a grenade". I Know she'll have questions and I'll be prepared to share with her. What I don't know is how she will react, if aggressive then I need to protect Me.

 

I'm unclear on what you have in mind. An anonymous letter with an email or phone number in it if she wants to talk further? I'm confident one of her questions will be "who are you?" Or "how do you know my husband?" Do you have a plan on how to answer those? Be prepared that if you refuse to answer that question, the conversation could take an ugly turn.

 

Do they have children? Have you thought through the consequences to them of this action? Also, please consider that she may share your letter with other members of her family...brothers, in-laws, her father, who knows. The repercussions could be ugly and far-reaching.

[ShatteredLady]

I've been thinking about this one a lot. I'm a BW. I discovered the betrayal when I found a receipt for mothers day flowers for BOTH of us!. This ultimately led to a few D-days, lots of secrets & lies, trickle truth, gas lighting....I didnt know what any of those meant before I joined this site. I've learnt a whole new language. It breaks my heart that a language for this agony exists. The world isn't the place I believed it to be. Ugh!

 

Anyway....New Years Day I found that my H had posted on my pain forum 'anonymously'. He was asking if he should be selfish & persure "Love, Romance & Adveture" having a great fun filled life OR if he should stay with his cripple, burden wife & live a life of misery. This destroyed me on so many levels. My strength to push through & live a great life DESPITE 24/7 agony defined me. I believed my H was my family after my brothers death. It shook my sense of life the universe & everything. I felt I was on trial & fought even harder, hurting myself more. Felt on trial...if I can be. Better wife I won't be this burden that destroys my loved-ones lives.

 

For me, the time between New Years Day (where he was rewriting our history & putting her on a pedestal...which kicked me to the gutter so he could morally excuse his behavior was the worst torture of my life. I was coming out of a surgery where I nearly died.) and MOTHERS DAY (when I found he was 'with' her was the worst time imaginable. I felt like it was all my fault. I was the worst waste of space ever. I contemplated taking my own life! My guilt over my illness blinded me to the affair.

 

If the OW had contacted me before I knew she would of saved me all of that!! I don't think all H's 'carry on as usual'. Mine became a different person. He was angry & mean. He didn't even like his cat anymore!!! As soon as I knew about her it all made so much more sense.

 

Fast forward through the usual trickle truth, NC, reading emails, finding gift receipts, honesty & support from my H & we're dedicated to 'working on our marriage'

 

At this point I would LOVE to have email correspondence with the OW. I only have a fraction of the emails. I only have my H's side of the story. I want to know it from her point of view. How she felt about him etc. I know the OW isn't a crazy.

 

I think the best for me as a BW would be a clear, timeline letter with evidence AND the ability to contact you if I had any questions.

Just some vague, anonymous sorry wouldn't help me at all really. That would just give me more questions & open up the whole "What's the truth" crazy can of worms.

 

If I had no idea that anything was going on AND my husbands character didn't inexplicably change (unlikely) I don't know if ignorance would be bliss?!? No! I'd want to know. I have every right to know what's happening in my life. It's the decent thing to do.

 

Do you agree the longer a couple is married the harder it is to leave & build a new life? You say he's a serial cheater. She will find out one day. Think how many days of her life you have already stolen from her.

[Outofthefog2015]

You wanted out but stayed, you wanted her to know but didn't tell. What's different NOW.

 

I read your post, its neither complicated or original. Its pretty much the run of the mill.

 

What I meant by finding a man wasn't a slight on you as a physical woman, but your state of mind. If you think telling her will ease your guilt or promote healing then your wrong.

 

Its also giving him and his life a great deal of power over yours.

 

I'm done here, you seem closed off and you don't really seem to want actual advice but more of someone to cheer you on. YOUR issues start and stop with the women in the mirror.

 

Nothing is different now except he's not sobbing and begging me not to tell her. I was hoping to get advice from OW on this forum who may have had the same feelings or has actually went with sending a letter.

I do appreciate your input but I'm not here to debate. Just needing an honest discussion with people that have shared the same experience. I have read your story as well and not original. Its pretty much the run of the mill as well. Good luck to you

[Sassy Girl]

Nothing is different now except he's not sobbing and begging me not to tell her. I was hoping to get advice from OW on this forum who may have had the same feelings or has actually went with sending a letter.

I do appreciate your input but I'm not here to debate. Just needing an honest discussion with people that have shared the same experience. I have read your story as well and not original. Its pretty much the run of the mill as well. Good luck to you

 

I am a former OW. And I wouldn't tell unless I was willing to shoulder my share of responsibility because anything less that that would make me a hypocrite.

 

He didn't cheat on his own. He had help.

[Outofthefog2015]

I've been thinking about this one a lot. I'm a BW. I discovered the betrayal when I found a receipt for mothers day flowers for BOTH of us!. This ultimately led to a few D-days, lots of secrets & lies, trickle truth, gas lighting....I didnt know what any of those meant before I joined this site. I've learnt a whole new language. It breaks my heart that a language for this agony exists. The world isn't the place I believed it to be. Ugh!

 

Anyway....New Years Day I found that my H had posted on my pain forum 'anonymously'. He was asking if he should be selfish & persure "Love, Romance & Adveture" having a great fun filled life OR if he should stay with his cripple, burden wife & live a life of misery. This destroyed me on so many levels. My strength to push through & live a great life DESPITE 24/7 agony defined me. I believed my H was my family after my brothers death. It shook my sense of life the universe & everything. I felt I was on trial & fought even harder, hurting myself more. Felt on trial...if I can be. Better wife I won't be this burden that destroys my loved-ones lives.

 

For me, the time between New Years Day (where he was rewriting our history & putting her on a pedestal...which kicked me to the gutter so he could morally excuse his behavior was the worst torture of my life. I was coming out of a surgery where I nearly died.) and MOTHERS DAY (when I found he was 'with' her was the worst time imaginable. I felt like it was all my fault. I was the worst waste of space ever. I contemplated taking my own life! My guilt over my illness blinded me to the affair.

 

If the OW had contacted me before I knew she would of saved me all of that!! I don't think all H's 'carry on as usual'. Mine became a different person. He was angry & mean. He didn't even like his cat anymore!!! As soon as I knew about her it all made so much more sense.

 

Fast forward through the usual trickle truth, NC, reading emails, finding gift receipts, honesty & support from my H & we're dedicated to 'working on our marriage'

 

At this point I would LOVE to have email correspondence with the OW. I only have a fraction of the emails. I only have my H's side of the story. I want to know it from her point of view. How she felt about him etc. I know the OW isn't a crazy.

 

I think the best for me as a BW would be a clear, timeline letter with evidence AND the ability to contact you if I had any questions.

Just some vague, anonymous sorry wouldn't help me at all really. That would just give me more questions & open up the whole "What's the truth" crazy can of worms.

 

If I had no idea that anything was going on AND my husbands character didn't inexplicably change (unlikely) I don't know if ignorance would be bliss?!? No! I'd want to know. I have every right to know what's happening in my life. It's the decent thing to do.

 

Do you agree the longer a couple is married the harder it is to leave & build a new life? You say he's a serial cheater. She will find out one day. Think how many days of her life you have already stolen from her.

 

Thank you So much for sharing that! I can't imagine the heartbreak but saddened me to read your story. That definitely leaves me to think a lot about the letter (email) in many aspects. My original thought was to create an email so that she could ask me what she needed to. I've read stories of BS becoming obsessed when finding out about who OP is. I felt he shouldn't get away with this anymore.

 

They've been married almost 20 yrs, in retrospect I can see how it wouldn't be something he could easily let go. Believe me when I say the guilt consumed me and there were many times that I thought of her. I never mentioned in my post that I was once a BS.

[Popsicle]

I vote not to tell, put this behind you, and to move on with your life.

[winterkeep]

Sorry about the spelling and grammar, I'm on my phone!

 

You've received lots of good advice here, the problem is that the difference between good and bad advice is very subjective and dependant on circumstances to which you are not privy. You don't know what's happening in his marriage or how his wife feels. Some BW would want you to disclose, others absolutely would not - I was firmly one of the latter. Right now though it doesn't matter.

 

Right now you are in huge amounts of pain, you miss him and probably still hope he'll resume contact - you are not in any frame of mind to be able to stand back and assess your motivation for wanting to tell her or for dealing with the likely fall out in the calm, unemotional manner both you and the BW will require to gain any healing from this. And that should be your only motivation, to secure healing for you both.

 

Leave it for awhile and let yourself heal, the opportunity to disclose will still be there and the truth will have the same effect but you will be in a better place to deal with all of your emotions in a healthier manner or you may decide that your motivation to disclose has changed.

 

Right now I do not believe you're in the right place to deal with the fallout.

[eye of the storm]

I'm an OW and was a BS.

 

I am totally for the unaware OW/OM telling. If a person is unaware that they are dating a WS and then find out, call the BS and let them know. You were both lied to.

 

If you KNOWINGLY start an A with a MM/MW, then to me, you only tell the BS to carpet bomb the WS. You don't truly care who gets hurt in the fallout. You only want your pain to be shared by the widest margin possible.

 

You didn't care about the BS when you were banging the WS. Why now? If you are honest, you still don't.

 

And if you think for one second you can do this anonymously you are still in a fog. The WS is going to be confronted. They will throw you and your identity under the bus and then back up and get you again. To save themselves you will become the enemy and they will hand over your name, your contact information, and anything else they can think of.

 

Revenge never works out. Let go of the pain, let go of the anger, learn from your mistakes, and move on. The longer you try to insert yourself into their marriage the longer it takes you to move on.

 

A true confession and repentance comes because you regret YOUR actions, want to make amends for the pain you caused, and to accept the consequences. An anonymous letter does not fill any of those.

 

Either step up or step back.

[goodyblue]

What nobody is saying is that, generally speaking, it is written in the mistress code that you don't disclose.

 

I am in that camp unless there are std's, a pregnancy or abuse. Their marriage is just that: theirs.

[Eighty_nine]

To me, the regular "DO NOT TELL HER" comments here are baffling, especially because everyone who has ever been cheated on (myself included) has repeatedly said they would WANT to know. I don't get it.

[goodyblue]

To me, the regular "DO NOT TELL HER" comments here are baffling, especially because everyone who has ever been cheated on (myself included) has repeatedly said they would WANT to know. I don't get it.

 

While I can see why you may feel that way it is still how things go in the majority of affairs.

[Lovemesomehim]

I was the ow and left when I found out that I was.

Tell her but reveal your identity. I'm not sure what you fear but if it is her you fear you never would've accepted his invitation to have an affair. Hiding who you are will only cause her to dig through information and eventually will lead back to you. Phone bills cannot be erased. And who's to say he would not throw you under the bus anyways? Tell her. And how do you know her email address?

[purplesorrow]

If the letter is sent, her first question will be who is the ow? She will search high and low and drive herself crazy trying to figure it out if he doesn't tell. Why put her through that phase? If he wants to stay and if she lets him, he will have to out his ow. Send it with the necessary info, who, when etc or just leave her be.

[Qboro90]

Thanks for the honest response. You've not read my posts or you'd know I'm not the arguing type.

 

I am an exOW who did not send a letter. If I recall correctly the OP and the MM parted ways some time ago. It's a revenge move. Agreed.

 

If your W had an A and you found out months or years later. Would you think "wow I am so glad I knew nothing about this A"

 

Or would you feel tricked and resentful?

 

See that's the difficult thing to answer and foresee. It would depend on my relationship with my wife. Am I completely happy in the marriage and think she's an amazing woman? And then found out she cheated... Yes I'd be crushed and would leave her, just because I'd never be able to trust her again. Would I feel like she wasted those years when I could've left and started over? Probably. Although if I thought everything was fine and was enjoying the marriage then I can't say for sure that id feel that way.

 

And the thing to ask which we will never know... Is if this mans wife is the kind of woman who would immediately divorce or leave her husband or if she would be able to forgive and want to proceed with the marriage despite his infidelity.

If she's the 2nd type of woman then finding out 4 years from now or tomorrow wouldn't really make a difference. If she's the first type then it would.

 

I guess my view is that the OP cannot ever know that about his wife so why not wash your hands of the situation and let their marriage be between them and them only. Odds are that this man will eventually have another affair. But we can't be sure that he doesn't go back and suddenly become the model husband.

 

Who knows... Again, OP is out, why open herself to all these scenarios and unknowns when it's not her responsibility to open his wife's eyes.

[goodyblue]

See that's the difficult thing to answer and foresee. It would depend on my relationship with my wife. Am I completely happy in the marriage and think she's an amazing woman? And then found out she cheated... Yes I'd be crushed and would leave her, just because I'd never be able to trust her again. Would I feel like she wasted those years when I could've left and started over? Probably. Although if I thought everything was fine and was enjoying the marriage then I can't say for sure that id feel that way.

 

And the thing to ask which we will never know... Is if this mans wife is the kind of woman who would immediately divorce or leave her husband or if she would be able to forgive and want to proceed with the marriage despite his infidelity.

If she's the 2nd type of woman then finding out 4 years from now or tomorrow wouldn't really make a difference. If she's the first type then it would.

 

I guess my view is that the OP cannot ever know that about his wife so why not wash your hands of the situation and let their marriage be between them and them only. Odds are that this man will eventually have another affair. But we can't be sure that he doesn't go back and suddenly become the model husband.

 

Who knows... Again, OP is out, why open herself to all these scenarios and unknowns when it's not her responsibility to open his wife's eyes.

 

There is also the possibility that the wife will lose her cool and go after OW. She could out her to her job, family, friends, cheating sites and realistically could sue her for monetary gain.

 

If you do it, be prepared for the fallout.