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How soon after you start dating is it 'normal' to go away for a weekend together?

the_entertainer1

By the_entertainer1
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the_entertainer1 Established Member

the_entertainer1

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I feel like I should preface my post by saying that I know that I should do things at my own pace, that there isn't really 'normal' for a relationship, that it should be up to the people involved. But having said that, I'd really like to hear your opinions ...

 

I've been on about 5 dates in 6 weeks with this guy. We have both had hectic work schedules recently, preventing us from seeing each other more than we would have liked. At the end of every date he says he wants to see me again, and I like him and want to keep seeing him too.

 

We went out on Saturday night and he mentioned he was going away for work in October and that I should join him for a weekend. We haven't had the "are we official/exclusive?" talk yet and physically, haven't done any more than making out, yet. We're both 26. So my questions are:

 

- When is it 'normal' for a newish couple to go away for a weekend together?

- Neither of us live by ourselves so I think the lack of privacy at home may have gotten in the way of things going further, physically speaking. Do you think he's suggesting the weekend away as an opportunity for us to have some more intimate time together?

Stage5Clinger Established Member

Stage5Clinger

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I wouldn't go unless you're ready to advance things to the sexual level and you're comfortable enough with him to spend the night with him.

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xcupid Established Member

xcupid

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Do you think he's suggesting the weekend away as an opportunity for us to have some more intimate time together?

Yes.

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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Its 'normal' when its what you want to do.

 

Be aware that it is a reach for more intimacy on his part.

 

If you want that too, its 'normal.'

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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We haven't had the "are we official/exclusive?" talk yet and physically, haven't done any more than making out, yet. We're both 26. So my questions are:

 

Do you think he's suggesting the weekend away as an opportunity for us to have some more intimate time together?

 

 

Of course he will expect sex if you go away together & have one room / one bed. If you don't want that but do want to go, offer to pay for your own hotel accommodations.

 

 

I would have the official exclusive talk before sex. If sex hasn't happened before you go on this weekend but you are expecting to have sex during the weekend do talk about your relationship before you go so that if you are not on the same page, you can bow out gracefully if you like.

 

 

As for what's "normal" you answered your own Q: it's whatever works for the couple involved

  • Like 3
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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- When is it 'normal' for a newish couple to go away for a weekend together?

 

Once it's been determined that you two want to pursue a romantic relationship together. You probably need a few more dates and you'll begin to feel more comfortable in each other's space.

 

- Neither of us live by ourselves so I think the lack of privacy at home may have gotten in the way of things going further, physically speaking. Do you think he's suggesting the weekend away as an opportunity for us to have some more intimate time together?
Home, as in living with parents or roommates?

 

Yes I think that one of the goals of going away together, especially for the first time, that sex is most likely going to be inferred unless you speak up long before these plans are made if that's not what your goal is at that time. I think that it's a good idea that he is considering your first experience with him to be special enough that he makes this effort. He's not trying to cook for you, then "Netflix and chill".

 

What is it that you'd like to see unfold here? Is it not what you want?

 

Definitely, a conversation about intention needs to be had if you feel things are heading in this direction. Ask him what his intentions are with planning this romantic rendezvous.

  • Like 1
clia Established Member

clia

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When is it 'normal' for a newish couple to go away for a weekend together?

 

As you noted, there is no "normal." But by the time you actually go away together, you'll have been together 10+ weeks. I don't think that's too soon at all. I went away with my now husband for a week to another country when we'd been together around the same amount of time.

 

- Neither of us live by ourselves so I think the lack of privacy at home may have gotten in the way of things going further, physically speaking. Do you think he's suggesting the weekend away as an opportunity for us to have some more intimate time together?

 

Could be. But it's a good sign that he's making future plans with you like this.

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henderson14 Established Member

henderson14

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1. Once you've started sleeping together; or

2. 2 -3 months.

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newmoon Established Member

newmoon

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imo you're giving the greenlight for sex/intimacy when you agree for a weekend away, so if you haven't had sex already that would be an unspoken agreement by you to take it to the next level (unless you guys agree otherwise). i have typically gone away with people about 4-5 months into dating. i once went away with a guy i'd been dating for 4 months and we hadn't slept together yet and i still didn't want to; so i agreed to the weekend away but with no sex. it was ok with him and we were intimate a few weeks after the trip. you can make your own rules :) but know beforehand what you're getting into. it's a good thing if he suggested it.

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Jj66 Established Member

Jj66

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Going on a weekend together unless separate rooms implies sex. You go when you are comfortable with that.

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Gary S Established Member

Gary S

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A relationship of several months is plenty of time to know someone for a weekend getaway. You are not talking about moving in or getting married, sheesh!

 

As far as sex goes, that's up to you.....some people wait until marriage.

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Jj66 Established Member

Jj66

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A relationship of several months is plenty of time to know someone for a weekend getaway. You are not talking about moving in or getting married, sheesh!

 

As far as sex goes, that's up to you.....some people wait until marriage.

 

Marriage. How quaint.

  • Like 1
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the_entertainer1 Established Member

the_entertainer1

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Once it's been determined that you two want to pursue a romantic relationship together. You probably need a few more dates and you'll begin to feel more comfortable in each other's space.

 

Great point. I agree.

 

Home, as in living with parents or roommates?

 

We both live at home with our parents. I'm saving up to buy a place; he owns a place but rents it out to a tenant. We've met each other's parents, but only when picking each other up before a date. Personally, I feel a little bit awkward about hanging out (or making out!) at home with either of our parents around.

 

What is it that you'd like to see unfold here? Is it not what you want??

 

I like him and I like the fact that he's planning things in the future, but I feel like we're still getting to know each other. I've dated a few guys before, but never had an "official" relationship. And while I'm not necessarily waiting for marriage, I've never had sex before because I want my first time to be with someone I really care about, and who really cares about me. Other than the fact that I like him, and that he treats me really well, I'm not quite sure how I feel about him yet and think I need a bit more time to work that out.

central Established Member

central

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It will vary depending on the people and the circumstances, no doubt. Are you comfortable spending a weekend with him? By the time you go on this weekend, will you have had sex - or will you be ready to?

 

In one OLD dating situation where we lived far apart, we communicated for 6 months and our first date lasted a week where we went away together on a vacation. The sex was great!

 

In another, with a week or so of communication, we had one date, then spent a weekend together for our second date. And yes, the sex was great.

empresario Established Member

empresario

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Let me say this. You are self-reported inexperienced in sex. That's not a bad thing...having morals is commendable.

 

 

However if you go away with him, regardless of the discussion, sex will probably be expected. If you don't talk about it before hand, he will expect one thing and you will expect the other. And in my life I've learned expectations are everything. Most fights begin with people's varying expectations.

 

 

The one thing you REALLY want to avoid is being away with this guy, feeling uncomfortable, but are in the situation where you can't really say no. It happens a lot, where a female gets in a position where she doesn't see a way out so she just gives in. Most guys can't tell the difference, it seems, between a girl enjoying herself, and one that's biting her lip and getting through it. Most don't seem to care.

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Els Established Member

Els

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At 5 dates and not being 'official' yet, I wouldn't really want to go away for a weekend together. Especially if he is going for work - following a partner on a work trip is LTR territory in my opinion, not early dates territory. But, like you said, it's really just a matter of personal preference, there is no 'normal'. Given that you have such qualms about it, though, I think that's a pretty big sign that it isn't right for you either.

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MissBee Established Member

MissBee

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At 5 dates and not being 'official' yet, I wouldn't really want to go away for a weekend together. Especially if he is going for work - following a partner on a work trip is LTR territory in my opinion, not early dates territory. But, like you said, it's really just a matter of personal preference, there is no 'normal'. Given that you have such qualms about it, though, I think that's a pretty big sign that it isn't right for you either.

 

I agree.

 

I think this is based solely on the people involved, your situation and how comfortable you feel about the whole thing. Based on you asking here, it doesn't seem as though it's something that intuitively feels right to you and if it doesn't, then it's too soon for you.

 

In general, I'm mindful in dating that moving too quickly can cause you to miss certain red flags or invest too many emotions before you really know the person well enough, which can lead to a bigger heartbreak if things don't work. I therefore try to pace myself, even if things "feel right," as sometimes it's still not right even if it feels that way, but with that said, I at least need it to feel right if I'm going to make certain decisions. Does it feel right to you? It doesn't seem so, and if that's the case, put it off.

Edited by MissBee
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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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At 5 dates and not being 'official' yet, I wouldn't really want to go away for a weekend together.

 

They are talking about going away a month & half from now not this weekend.

 

Personally I like the fact that the guy is looking 6+ weeks out.

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alphamale Established Member

alphamale

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i'd say around 2 months after you started dating

Els Established Member

Els

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They are talking about going away a month & half from now not this weekend.

 

Personally I like the fact that the guy is looking 6+ weeks out.

 

Yes, but from the way she phrased it, it sounds like she has to make the decision now (after only 5 dates). If the decision could be postponed for a month or so, then sure, she can tell him she'll think about it and make the decision after having spent more time with him.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with what the guy is asking at all (and as you said, it might be a good sign), but she shouldn't force herself if it doesn't feel right or comfortable for her.

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the_entertainer1 Established Member

the_entertainer1

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Yes, but from the way she phrased it, it sounds like she has to make the decision now (after only 5 dates). If the decision could be postponed for a month or so, then sure, she can tell him she'll think about it and make the decision after having spent more time with him.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with what the guy is asking at all (and as you said, it might be a good sign), but she shouldn't force herself if it doesn't feel right or comfortable for her.

 

 

I'm not sure how it feels. On the one hand, it's quite exciting. This guy is a really nice, decent guy. He cares about my opinions and everything he says and does gives me the impression that he really likes me (perhaps even more than I like him, at this stage). He works in the next street over from mine and after our 3rd date, brought a bunch of flowers to my work. Last weekend we went shopping for some shoes and shirts for him, because he said he wanted my opinion. He's away for work at the moment and says he bought me a souvenir because he was thinking of me. When we go out, he always holds doors open and even walks on the outside of the footpath. Basically, he's into the old-fashioned "wooing" of a woman (which I am really enjoying!, lol).

 

 

So, I like the guy. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to have sex with him yet. Yes, if we do go away for a weekend, the time he suggested is in mid-October. So there's time for things to develop. I don't have to make a decision about it right away, and I'm fairly sure he wouldn't pressure me into making one. I do feel that the lack of privacy within our homes may have expedited his suggestion though.

 

 

I suppose the way I consider the future has a few layers (and is perhaps a little clinical - forgive me!)

 

 

- Becoming "official" and exclusive

I'm 99% sure he's not dating anyone else, and from some of the things he's said and done, I don't think he really wants to date anyone else. But I don't know how to raise the issue and make the relationship "official" (yeah, I've never had a serious relationship before).

 

- The sex issue

For someone who's never had sex, I have a pretty high sex drive, lol. But my sexual history (or lack of) is not something I really like talking about - in the past I've found it pretty awkward to discuss it with guys. I've usually only brought it up in the past while making out with a guy who wants to take things further. Not sure if that's the best timing, but other opportunities to discuss it never presented themselves. On the one hand, I'm glad I haven't just slept with guys just for physical fulfilment, because I feel like I need an emotional connection with the person as well. But on the other hand, it's not like I'm "proud" of my virgin status either. I'm not sure about this guy's past relationship history - it's not a topic we've discussed yet (and I don't know it's necessary) - but I don't think he's super-experienced either. But then again, I don't know for sure. The point is, as some people have noted, I think he needs to know my background if he's thinking of a weekend away together. And I don't know how to discuss it. Because of a lack of privacy at both our homes, I don't know where else we can discuss it?

 

 

- Making sure I really like him.

I guess this is achieved through spending more time together!

 

 

I hope that makes sense, and I'd really appreciate any other insights you guys might have.

angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

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Discuss it when you're out on a date since neither of you has privacy at home. You can go on a hike or to an isolated spot on the beach and have the discussion there.

 

I only glanced at a couple of posts, so apologies if I missed something. TBH, joining someone on a business trip at this early stage is a really bad idea. When people have had a BF/GF join them, they've typically gotten engaged within a few months. You don't typically take dates on business trips. You guys have barely started dating. Second, he won't have free time. He'll be in meetings, receptions, and dinners with his work colleagues, and then you typically go out on the town afterwards with your colleagues. You'll barely see him...unless you plan to stay a day or two longer after the meeting ends.

 

Given your other concerns, I would pass. Do something together over the Christmas holidays, instead...assuming you're still together at that time.

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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- Becoming "official" and exclusive

I'm 99% sure he's not dating anyone else, and from some of the things he's said and done, I don't think he really wants to date anyone else. But I don't know how to raise the issue and make the relationship "official" (yeah, I've never had a serious relationship before).

 

when you're 100% sure that he's not dating anyone else is when you can proceed with him. (99% is still speculating. You want to be completely sure) You raise the issue by raising the issue. You ask him what are his intentions and you tell him what yours are. The worse that can happen is that he tells you that he's changed his mind and he leaves you alone. You've lost nothing but a few weeks of sporadic dates.

 

- The sex issue

For someone who's never had sex, I have a pretty high sex drive, lol. But my sexual history (or lack of) is not something I really like talking about - in the past I've found it pretty awkward to discuss it with guys. I've usually only brought it up in the past while making out with a guy who wants to take things further. Not sure if that's the best timing, but other opportunities to discuss it never presented themselves. On the one hand, I'm glad I haven't just slept with guys just for physical fulfilment, because I feel like I need an emotional connection with the person as well. But on the other hand, it's not like I'm "proud" of my virgin status either. I'm not sure about this guy's past relationship history - it's not a topic we've discussed yet (and I don't know it's necessary) - but I don't think he's super-experienced either. But then again, I don't know for sure. The point is, as some people have noted, I think he needs to know my background if he's thinking of a weekend away together. And I don't know how to discuss it. Because of a lack of privacy at both our homes, I don't know where else we can discuss it?

 

You discuss it by owning your voice and speaking up. He's not going to divine it, so you're going to have to tell him what is on your mind. Good communication should be something you strive for. If you can't speak your mind to him, what's the point in being in a relationship?

 

Get out of the house. Go to the zoo. Go to a museum. Go roller blading or bike riding. Those are all places that get you out of the house so that you can have this discussion with him.

Edited by kendahke
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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So, I like the guy. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to have sex with him yet.

 

For someone who's never had sex, I have a pretty high sex drive, lol. But my sexual history (or lack of) is not something I really like talking about

 

IMO if you are a virgin . . . 2-3 months in is Waaaaayyyyyy too soon for you to be talking about sex let alone having it. If you go away together sex is on the table as you know.

 

If you are ambivalent or conflicted, you have waited this long to lose your virginity, use the logistical issues as a buffer. Skip this trip. Keep dating him. Eventually if you are not prepared to have sex with him you will need to talk to him about your status otherwise he's going to think it's him & that you are rejecting him.

 

Some guys will be OK. Some guys will be jerks.

 

Whatever you decide make sure it's the right decision for YOU.

edgygirl Established Member

edgygirl

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Who said he is making any effort? Maybe he's just traveling for work and suggested taking her along. I traveled for work frequently and it would cost me zero to have someone tag along specially if I were to abuse the company and charge our meals in my expense report. (not that I ever done that!) :p

 

I think that it's a good idea that he is considering your first experience with him to be special enough that he makes this effort. He's not trying to cook for you, then "Netflix and chill".
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