Mostly Honest Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I have not been a good boyfriend. I love my girlfriend very much, but when it comes to showing her with actions and not words, I fail. We fight all the time, mostly because I have lied to her about 6 times. I knew right from the beginning that all she wanted was protection and honesty. I have not protected her and I have lied to her. Since the first 2 lies, 1 or 2 days apart last summer, she has been in a major depression. She cries almost every day and spends most of her time in bed. Since the last lie about 3 weeks ago, it has been even worse. We are so distant. I have been sleeping in the guest room almost every night. 2 nights last week I was in the bedroom with her. One of those was our 2 year anniversary (since we met). I am crazy about this girl and I have always been a little insecure. She is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. When she is asking what benefit I bring to her life, I often don't have an answer because she was so much happier when we met. She doesn't eat because she is so sad and feels betrayed and alone. I have never and will never cheat on her. I did tell her that I kissed a girl while my ex gf was on a 9 week retreat in South America 7years ago. She says "once a cheater, always a cheater". She is extremely paranoid that I am going to have an affair with someone from work or elsewhere. I used to be very social, I would make friends wherever I go. I moved to her country last year. It turns out the job I got (hired me for my personality, sense of humor, and being outgoing) has a family trip for everyone in the company. We sell holidays and should know what we are selling. I didn't go because she didn't-and still doesn't trust me around women. She said she was never like this with anyone else, but that because I have no boundaries and would cheat or give the wrong impression to someone. I don't do anything outside of work with anyone except for 1 guy. We go play tennis. For the first time since 6th grade, I have only 1 friend. And he had a baby 3 months ago, so I haven't really seen him except for once about a month ago. Now we are leaving this country in a month or so (hopefully together) and I had a "sales training day" yesterday ( on a Sunday). It was in a place in town where you have a meeting in one room and then "everyone " cooks the dinner as a team building exercise after. She did beg me not to go the night before and the morning of. She actually said "if you stay, we are over". I don't know why, but I thought for some miraculous reason, that she would come to her senses and change her mind. I already talked to my boss twice about leaving after the meeting. She said she would very much like us all to be there and I heard her go through this with 2 other guys trying to spend the last Sunday night in August with their families also. So, instead of just leaving after the training I tried calling my gf. She was on the other line and said she will call me soon. I really hoped she changed her mind. I didn't feel my phone vibrate, but she called like 7 times and sent multiple messages in the next 11 minutes. When I did feel the phone ring She was crying and I left right away. I rushed home and on the way home she said it was too late. I shouldn't have stayed and even though I left, was a betrayal. The last one. I made my choice and we are done. I get to our bus stop around 5:40 and she has a bag in her hand and waiting for a bus. I rode the bus with her and she was saying the same. I made my choice and anything she does now, tomorrow, or this week, she will not feel any guilt for. She was insinuating that she was going to go f##k someone. I was trying to get her to stop but it was too far in motion. I also saw her texting someone after she got off the bus but she kept saying it was none of my business when I asked who she was going to see. I get home to find she took her toothbrush and computer. I didn't look to see if she brought lube or condoms. Like she wouldn't be able to get that anyway. She is not the type to go sleeping with other guys while dating or living with someone. She is honest though and if she has checked out emotionally, what's to stop her? I would never cheat on her, but she feels that I have betrayed her so much that she would only be evening the playing field if she slept with someone else. She always makes the last bus home, even on weekends when we are with friends, we leave at 11:30 so not to take a cab. 11:50 pm passed and I figured she was banging some random guy. She came home at 1:30 am and the only contact we have had is her walking in on me trying to take a dump. No eye contact. No messages. No talking. I don't know what I am looking for here. I don't want everyone to jump in on my side either and just tell me to dump her. That seems to be a common response. Has anyone been through this and come out with a healthy relationship still in tact? Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 What are the lies & "Not protecting her" that you're talking about? That's clearly what started her depression. It's going to be really hard for anyone to really advise you when we don't know what you're talking about really. You understand? The 6 lies could be anything!! Link to post Share on other sites
OMC Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 You are both broken Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 What are the lies and how have you not "protected" her? Those details are critical and could mean the difference between her being a crackpot that suffers from depression or whether you are an ass that she would be better off without. Be honest or we can't help you. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 (edited) I won't say dump her, but I will say that *she* seems to be the one who is insecure in the extreme and that is the source of your problems. The tip off is that she pressures and guilt trips you so much to stay away from socializing with other people - even a work event. That's actually trying to isolate you and that is NOT healthy. For you to be without any friends outside the relationship - even guy friends really - is a HUGE RED FLAG that her expectations of you are not acceptable and realistic. Have you ever heard the saying, "A man with a hammer sees nails everywhere". The point is, if she's so insecure that she's always paranoid you're going to cheat on ehr and leave her for someone else, then she will find signs or 'evidence' of that fear in the smallest thing, no matter how ridiculous or extreme. If your lies have been where you were with someone else and really did betray *her* (not someone in your distant past) then perhaps you've earned that level of paranoia. But if not, if your "lies" have not been to cover up cheating, then I encourage you to rethink the idea that you are the insecure one and you are the one causing hte problem here. Think of it this way: would you expect her to have no friends and only spend her time with you? Would you dump her if she went to a work-related activity and stayed because her boss expected her to? You might also consider that she is seriously depressed and that she needs professional help. If she is spending her time in bed and crying every day, then her fears are getting in the way of her normal life and she needs proper assistance. You can't fix that kind of depression by changing your behaviour. it's bigger than you. Edited September 1, 2015 by Poppygoodwill Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Wow, your gf is a piece of work man. Manipulating and controlling. She's obviously very insecure and extreme when it comes to you doing things. Wanting you to leave early on a work trip and threading to break up with u if you don't is unacceptable. That is your job. You cannot sacrifice your standing and reputation with your boss and career because of her absurd jealousy and insecurity issues. "It's a work conference, I have to be there, if you can't understand than and want to leave because I have a job and requirements then leave, I'm sick of this" Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Quote - "I knew right from the beginning that all she wanted was protection and honesty. I have not protected her and I have lied to her." Until we know what this is actually about it's just blind speculation. Yes! Work is work but what if the lies are about things he's done WITH his boss. What if the not protecting her was 'protecting her from his boss?' That would completely change our advise. It reads like he's skimming over the most important details. Link to post Share on other sites
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