Wife spends too much time with family

[Bassman45]

Hi guys, Im new to this blog. Traveling on business and just needing to vent about an issue and see where I am/was or were not wrong on an issue that has lead to my divorcing my wife.

 

My soon to be ex-wife and her Family, mostly Mother and Father, however her Brother as well.

 

Dont get me wrong, we have had other major issues, as we all do, yet to me I didnt think most were deal breakers. I love my wife and have been loyal and devoted deeply. Yet all the frustrations combined, along with her insistence that I am at the root of all of them has pushed me to a point where It is simply very unhealthy. But enough of that..... The issue I would love opinions on

 

Her Family, how much is too much.

 

When we were dating (and married way too fast) I assume I choose to ignore this, but it is on a level I have never witnessed.

 

Her Mother and Father (aged 60ish) call or text off and on throughout the day, Mother more than Father as her Mother works as a Real Estate Agent for my Wives firm so much of it is business, however much is not. Regardless she drops in typically once a day, and calls or text at least 10 times a day. Her Father id say texts her a couple of times a day and drops in once every other day or so. He does come over to work and do a project or the like, HOWEVER that drives me nutts as well because it is my home (another issue)

 

Above that, the parents will just come by without a notice. Once even walking in the house without knocking.

 

Weekends, at least one night sometimes a couple her Mom and Dad will have a cookout and we are invited. The wife wants attend 90% or better of these and expects me to come along. One last weekend we were together we met her Family at church-sat with them, then all went to breakfast after, THEN I was informed there was a cookout that night we were all invited to! When I discussed this my ex became frustrated with me like I was the odd one to question this.

 

There have been more drop ins then I can remember over the course of our 6 year Marriage. Trips together, And any possible excuse for a Holiday or party. The family celebrates birthday parties for every single adult as well as the children. This would be roughly 20 Birthday Parties alone! Anniversaries, graduations from anything, Holidays, Moving in parties, you name it. Id estimate safely 80 gatherings a year. This does not include drop ins, texts, and calls.

 

I tried to discuss my concerns and set boundaries for years, but she guilts me and spins it back that this is normal and I should adapt and be happy to have such people.

 

I grew up having a few special Holidays and cookout with both sides of my family. NEVER reaching 10 to 15 estimate combined a year. NO one just dropped in, let alone walked in without knocking.

 

I grew up wanting to be a husband and Father, build a home and family. Create memories as a family unit. Leave our parents and become parents for our children. Not cut out completely but grow up for lack of a better way of putting it.

 

Help me vent guys, as well, please let me know am I wrong here? Be honest.

 

Frustrated in Tennesseee

[Mittens]

My parents had much the same problem.

 

My father: Mother, father and one brother. Only extended family he had any sort of relationship with was his Aunt and her family. Once he was 21, he emigrated with my mother back to her home country and cut all contact with his family for a decade.

 

My mother: One of 9 children. Her mother was also one of 9, and I believe her father was one of 13! So huge extended family, and they were all pretty close. Also extremely wealthy.

 

When my father emigrated to my mother's home country, her close relationship with her family caused a lot of problems. But it wasn't all her fault... my father was rather a control freak, and he thought because he quite willingly gave up his family life, my mother should also be able to do the same. I don't think it helped that my mother's family also helped my parents out quite a lot financially in the beginning... looking back, I'm pretty sure my father resented them for it. Didn't stop him from taking the money though...

 

I'm now 47 and by looking at my FI's family, I know the amount of time we spent with my mother's family was actually not that unusual. When we were living in the same city, my mother usually did talk to her mother every day -mainly because my grandmother was in pretty poor health from about the age of 50 onwards...she'd see her probably about twice a week (they lived down the road from our primary school) and my grandmother and uncle would take us shopping on Saturday mornings. When we were old enough, the same uncle often used to take us out on Sunday afternoons...giving my parents a much needed break! Only very occasionally would one of them pop by unannounced. As a child, I enjoyed it very much, to be honest.

 

When I was about 13 my father became more and more vocal about it. He made life difficult for my mother...in the end, he made it a 'them or me' situation. My mother picked my father, and we ended up moving back to my father's home country. My mother didn't tell them we were leaving - or myself or my two brothers, so we didn't 'blab'...that's something that to this day I've not forgiven my parents for. I was very happy where we were, and was told we were going on 'holiday'... I didn't get the chance to say goodbye to my friends etc. This was back in pre internet days, so I lost contact completely. My mother didn't have any contact with her family for 7 years. It was actually my younger brother who ended up getting in touch with them. My mother was livid...

 

Anyway, my parents ended up divorcing when I was 21, and my mother moved back to her home country. Her relationship with her family was never the same again. After my grandmother died, the rest of the family stopped having anything to do with her. There was - and still is - a lot of bad feeling. You reap what you sow...

 

I can't say whether you are right or wrong. I think different people have different levels of interaction that they can tolerate. To you, the amount she interacts with her family is too much: to your wife, it's acceptable.

 

I will ask however, does your wife's siblings have the same level of interaction? If they do, this is probably what make your wife feel it is 'normal'...especially if their spouses/partners don't seem to have the same problems with it as you do.

 

I know my FI's family do things that I consider absolutely bizarre. I am bipolar, and have PTSD. I find social situations very hard work. I cope, by limiting the amount I attend. FI and I might get invited to 4 events...I will usually attend 1, or 2 at most. With his family, I do the barest minimum to be polite. If I'm having a relapse, I won't even do that. His family know about my situation, and at my age, I'm not too concerned about their opinion on it. No one can make me physically attend anything I don't want to!

 

If you are divorcing your wife, I wouldn't worry too much about it all. Soon, it's no longer going to be your problem.

[Mr. Lucky]

Id estimate safely 80 gatherings a year. This does not include drop ins, texts, and calls.

 

My wife is close to her family (who don't live near us), so the texts/calls wouldn't bother me. But no way would I attend 80 family gatherings a year simply because I have my own life to live - travel, playing sports, friends, etc., wouldn't leave the time. And I'd certainly hope the most or all of MY activities would become OUR activities with my spouse.

 

Would be a dealbreaker for me also...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LuckyLady13]

I've had the opposite problem. But, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes either!

 

I agree with Mr. Lucky that 80 family gatherings a year is beyond excessive!

 

Of course no one should come into your house without knocking on the door. It's YOUR house. However, being that it's your house, you should've had that front door locked knowing how they are so they'd be forced to knock and understand the boundary that lies on your front porch where the doorbell is.

 

Bassman, I think you're trying to sort some things out in your head. Very understandable. It's therapeutic.

 

I noticed there were a few little things that they were doing that you were oversensitive to also. They were trampling over boundaries so hard that their behavior is what made you feel so sensitive to things, coupled with your wife trying to convince you this is normal behavior. Her job is so tightly intertwined with her parents and that's not unusual if it's a family business being run that will be handed down but that doesn't sound like the case here.

 

Birthday parties for all adults and moving in parties, along with a tightly intertwined career? No, this isn't normal. It's only "normal" for your wife because this is all she knows and quite possibly, her parents drilled into her head this is normal until she believed it?

 

Go to church with them, then breakfast, then end the day with a cookout? No way. This is way, WAY too much. Especially when they are around because of work and 80 gatherings a year?

 

You do marry your spouses family when you marry your spouse but this is excessive.

 

By the time they were walking right into your house without knocking, that was the straw that broke the camels back at that point. They were rolling over your life like steamrollers and you were in the mindset of starting your own family, as you said. These two didn't let go of their daughter and think they should have her at their side (like when she was 3) forever.

 

Your wife, once you got married, was supposed to be your teammate - on your side. She didn't grow up and leave the nest, spread her wings! I understand your frustrations with trying to set boundaries and she tried to make you feel wrong. You weren't wrong.

[Mr. Lucky]

By the time they were walking right into your house without knocking, that was the straw that broke the camels back at that point. They were rolling over your life like steamrollers and you were in the mindset of starting your own family, as you said.

 

I'd have a locksmith there immediately first time this happened. And were the in-laws visit not scheduled, wouldn't let them in. In order to survive, got to have boundaries...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

Your getting divorced so why is it still an issue for you?

 

I think women are closer to their families than guys really. My H would probably have a similar view to you. I speak with my siblings daily or as least every 2 days.

 

My H can go months without speaking to his siblings. My parents I'll speak to about 3/4 times a week and see them 2/3 times. He can go a couple of months not speaking to his folks.

 

My brothers don't contact my parents as much as my sisters do either. Funny is my dad wanted more son's, but now he sees it's us girls who have time for him.

 

"A daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life, a son's a son till he marries a wife"

 

There's a lot of truth in that. My H benefits from my family being so close and so do kids. If he tried to pull me away from them, it wouldn't go down well with me at all. He complained a lot in the early stages and he felt they were more important to me than him, but that's not true.

 

I made a concious effort to change things, as I didn't want him to feel like that.

Having said all these ,anything overdone can be annoying.

[Bassman45]

Thanks guys! I really needed some opinion. Regarding why is this still an issue. Given the relationship, her guilt wore me down. This wasnt the only issue. It has left me questioning just about everything. My loyalty and devotion were my own worst enemy.

 

I need some closure for myself i guess. After looking into a couple of different blogs and articles she met many criteria for abusive wife. In fact one article she met every single criteria. 10 of 10, and excessively.

 

That I assume is why I have asked the question, growth and closure.

 

I do appreciate you guys

 

[glitterandmud]

I have had the same issue, pretty much.

Married for 17 years, X is and always has been unable to grow up and prioritize our family over his family. I love his family, and have actively and willingly been a great daughter-in-law, aunt, sister in law. But it was always pretty clear where his loyalties were. Even to the point of allowing his crazy Dad to verbally attack me several times (totally unprovoked... he is really nuts!) and not defending me.

 

All my family lives out of state, and I don't have much of a relationship with them anymore (just busy lives, kids and the expense of traveling).

 

ANYway... This was not the cause of our divorce, but since we separated (about 6 months now), not one of these people that were my family for 17 years has reached out to me once.

 

I think what you are describing is so far beyond what is appropriate and acceptable. It's beyond disrespectful for your wife to just blow off your feelings about YOUR home, YOUR family and YOUR time.

 

Sadly, its pretty clear she has drawn her line in the sand. You gotta decide what you will and wont put up with. I mean, how much can one person show you how little you matter before you need to leave with the little self respect you have left.

[TunaCat]

I am not going to say that you are wrong, because they are your feelings and your feelings, whatever they are, cannot be wrong.

 

I am very, VERY close to my mom's side of the family. We get together for birthdays (we either do ice cream or a dinner out) I talk to them frequently (at least several times a week)

 

We do family dinners at least once a month and we love it. We'd do it more if our schedules allowed.

 

If someone is in the hospital, someone's always there with them.

 

I couldn't be with someone who wasn't close to their family. I'm very family oriented and always have been.

 

I think part of the issue is, you didn't address this early on in the marriage. If it bothered you that much, then why did you keep quiet about it?

 

Of course it's normal for your wife. It's how she grew up. Where she went wrong was not establishing boundaries when she married you. She didn't take into consideration your desires. Marriage is about compromise.

 

The one thing I would be pissed about is the drop ins. Thank GOD none of my family does this. They respect each others space. Walking in without knocking is also not okay.