Wanting more...is it too soon???

[Reality1228]

I've been involved with a married man for six months now. We were both married when we became involved. I have now been separated for three months. My relationship with him gave me the courage to leave a marriage that I should have left long before. Even if things do not work out for us in the long run, I will always be grateful that I had the strength to leave that situation.

 

 

My relationship with the married man is great...we are both being fulfilled on a physical and emotional level that was not in our lives prior. He is five years younger than me and has three children (the youngest is not quite a year). After the birth of the last child, his wife pretty much went frigid and pays him no attention physically. This is also wearing away at him emotionally. This is the first time either of us have done anything like this. As a matter of fact, I am the only woman he has been with other than his wife EVER. The relationship is going well. We talk and/or chat pretty much every day. I usually see him at least once a week.

 

 

The problem is...I OBSESS over contact with him. I think it is because at night and on the weekends he has to contact me. I don't have that freedom since he is with family. I KNOW that I am at the point where I want more than he can offer right now. He has told me that he will not stay in a relationship with her like this forever. At some point, they will have to turn the page or he will need to make some hard choices. We are very much in love, emotionally connected and talk about almost anything. I am recently separated and I am by no means willing to make a lifelong commitment to him (I am open to exploring whether that commitment might exist though). I would like to know if the possibility for a "real future" exists between us though. If he thinks that he might EVER consider leaving her to be with me. Is it dangerous to ask this question? How do you ask it? And is that what he is telling me with what he said above turning the page/hard decisions? HELP! I'm going nuts!

[Friskyone4u]

You can ask the question but you will get the answer that serves him best.

 

You sound too intelligent to not know that the odds of him leaving his wife and running off with you to Fantasyland are not in your favor. Everyone in affairs thinks theirs is different.

 

You left a bad marriage. You deserve better than to be sitting around week ends and Holidays waiting for some guy to come over to relieve himself with you.

 

You at six months are still deeply in NRE. That is exciting and exhillarating for someone coming out of a bad relationship. I hope I am wrong but you are in for a lot of emotionally draiining times.

 

Good luck to you.

[privategal]

In my opinion, be prepared for a rocky ride.

My xap was in an emotional affair with me that was just fun and flirty. He and his wife had a baby a year later and the EA shifted to STRONG love and chemistry he suddenly was enthralled with me 24/7.

 

It was at this time I thought he had fallen in love. In reality it was screaming newborn at home with diaper changes and feedings, his wife was exhausted and caring for baby 100% of the time leaving him feeling neglected and wanting attention...hence...me (and in your case YOU) filling an emotional and sexual void.

Suddenly after several months of blissful EA with hundreds of e-mail, calls, texts...he DROPPED me...no fighting...no reason...from LOVE professions to DONE....overnight like a switch!

Why? Because he likely woke up...looked at his beautiful wife and family and was filled with greif and remorse for cheating and bam! He thought let me get my sanity and priorities back.

Her post partum sex drive and body will return to normal, their bond will strengthen, and you will likely see him begin to experience guilt.

Right now...you feel its love, but...Id consider if you are being used. The baby was 4 or 5 months when he began an A with you.

His wife needed him and hormones post pregnancy are a nightmare. But instead of supporting her and celebrating the new addition to their family...he went outside the marriage.

What "more" do you want from someone like this?

Beware...men CAN seperate sex and love. They speak love and future to keep up the fantasy and the sex.

Hes thinkind with his d-ck..not his heart.

He wants sex...not another wife.

He had 3 children with her...he has a FAMILY...3 KIDS!!

Stay away. Go!

[Got it]

For myself, I did ask that question right out of the gate, laid out my expectations, asked him of his, and we worked out a plan on what both parties felt they needed, could do, and would do.

 

And then I recapped in writing for future reference. We went over all expectations, communication, time together, future plans, etc. Items I would do in any relationship to be honest as I want to make sure I understand what we are both thinking. It was not set up as a right/wrong way of doing things but a way to come together with an understanding for each person.

[anika99]

You want this guy who has already shown you what kind of fair weather disloyal partner he will be when things get tough? You think he will never treat you that way but he already is. By telling you about his frigid wife he is actually informing you of your role. You are there to meet his needs while his wife is attending to meeting the needs of her multiple children. You are his outlet. Some men might escape the realities of home life by going golfing or playing video games, your MM escapes by screwing around with you. Saying things like he won't stay married to her forever is a million miles away from him actually leaving, it's not even a promise to leave, it's just him saying things to keep you focused on doing your job, which is meeting his needs.

Edited August 31, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude~T

[Satu]

The reality is that you are a single person involved with a married man, with a lifetime of fatherhood ahead of him.

 

To make the most of your life and newly single status, you'd be wise to find a single man to be with.

 

All your options are open.

 

You may have left your own unhappy marriage, but you are now the third party in his.

 

Don't waste your very real chance of something better.

[Reality1228]

I guess I was hoping that by visiting a forum like this I would not be judged and would receive some advice that I could really use in my situation. Now, I'm really clueless as to what to do moving forward. I am not ready to give up on our relationship without giving it a fair shot. I have ten or eleven more months before I should legally be dating in public so I have time to see where this goes. I guess I just want to know what to say to him regarding whether or not we might possibly have a future together. He has NEVER refused or hesitated to answer any question that I asked him. If there is absolutely NO future for us ever possible, then I would cut my losses and hurt like hell right now rather than continue. If there is a chance, then I don't want to give up on him. I just want to know how to even go there with him...and is it right to ask him this?

[stillafool]

He's never going to leave her. They are going thru a rough patch now because of the little babies. Once the baby gets weened and things calm down they will resume their sex life and he will be happy looking at his growing family. You are doing a good job keeping him occuppied in the meantime. It won't last.

[stillafool]

I guess I was hoping that by visiting a forum like this I would not be judged and would receive some advice that I could really use in my situation. Now, I'm really clueless as to what to do moving forward. I am not ready to give up on our relationship without giving it a fair shot. I have ten or eleven more months before I should legally be dating in public so I have time to see where this goes. I guess I just want to know what to say to him regarding whether or not we might possibly have a future together. He has NEVER refused or hesitated to answer any question that I asked him. If there is absolutely NO future for us ever possible, then I would cut my losses and hurt like hell right now rather than continue. If there is a chance, then I don't want to give up on him. I just want to know how to even go there with him...and is it right to ask him this?

 

Yes, ask him whether you two have a future ahead of you. It never hurts to ask since he's the one with the answer.

[anika99]

Nobody has judged you.

 

Just ask him what his plan are but expect more vague answers that won't really do anything to clear it up for you.

[Satu]

Just be absolutely frank with him, and tell him exactly what you've told us.

 

There's no reason not to.

 

If you're not comfortable saying it, right it down.

 

Be aware though, that it's only a tiny minority of men who will leave their wife and children for another woman, no matter how delightful she may be.

 

Statistically, the odds are against you.

[stillafool]

I guess I was hoping that by visiting a forum like this I would not be judged and would receive some advice that I could really use in my situation. Now, I'm really clueless as to what to do moving forward. I am not ready to give up on our relationship without giving it a fair shot. I have ten or eleven more months before I should legally be dating in public so I have time to see where this goes. I guess I just want to know what to say to him regarding whether or not we might possibly have a future together. He has NEVER refused or hesitated to answer any question that I asked him. If there is absolutely NO future for us ever possible, then I would cut my losses and hurt like hell right now rather than continue. If there is a chance, then I don't want to give up on him. I just want to know how to even go there with him...and is it right to ask him this?

 

Who here has judged you? I don't see it in any of the posts written.

[the_artist_1970]

I've been involved with a married man for six months now. We were both married when we became involved. I have now been separated for three months. My relationship with him gave me the courage to leave a marriage that I should have left long before. Even if things do not work out for us in the long run, I will always be grateful that I had the strength to leave that situation.

 

 

My relationship with the married man is great...we are both being fulfilled on a physical and emotional level that was not in our lives prior. He is five years younger than me and has three children (the youngest is not quite a year). After the birth of the last child, his wife pretty much went frigid and pays him no attention physically. This is also wearing away at him emotionally. This is the first time either of us have done anything like this. As a matter of fact, I am the only woman he has been with other than his wife EVER. The relationship is going well. We talk and/or chat pretty much every day. I usually see him at least once a week.

 

 

The problem is...I OBSESS over contact with him. I think it is because at night and on the weekends he has to contact me. I don't have that freedom since he is with family. I KNOW that I am at the point where I want more than he can offer right now. He has told me that he will not stay in a relationship with her like this forever. At some point, they will have to turn the page or he will need to make some hard choices. We are very much in love, emotionally connected and talk about almost anything. I am recently separated and I am by no means willing to make a lifelong commitment to him (I am open to exploring whether that commitment might exist though). I would like to know if the possibility for a "real future" exists between us though. If he thinks that he might EVER consider leaving her to be with me. Is it dangerous to ask this question? How do you ask it? And is that what he is telling me with what he said above turning the page/hard decisions? HELP! I'm going nuts!

 

So you left a bad dysfunctional relationship only to enter into another dysfunctional relationship? I strongly suggest getting into therapy and becoming emotionally healthy. When you do that, a wonderful man who is unattached will find you. Because emotionally healthy ppl attract good ppl.

[Reality1228]

Who here has judged you? I don't see it in any of the posts written.

 

 

You're right. I don't guess anyone has judged me. I guess I was just wanting answers to my questions without having to hear the harsh reality that goes along with situations like this. I've done so much reading on the subject online that I think I am sabotaging something that could possibly be good if I would only take it for what it actually is. I have a man that wants to talk on the phone with me, chat with me and see me outside of having sex. It's not a totally sexual relationship although the sex is great! He said that he loved me first and he provides me with encouragement in all areas of my life. I've read above that he's selfish and using me. How can I judge him? I started seeing him and was having an affair with him while I was still under the same roof as my husband. My intentions were never to use him. I fell for him. Considering the fact that neither of us has been down this road before, I don't understand why it is impossible for him to be doing the same thing. I have an 18 year old child so I did not have three young children that I was responsible for like him. Am I the only one that sees potential here? Maybe I'm blind.

[wanderingxsoulz]

Everybody wants more, everybody wants what they can't have. It's normal and it's not wrong.

 

But for the sake of my own sanity, I learnt that the best thing you can do for yourself in such situations is to be content and not gets your hopes up. Even better, have no hope at all. Otherwise you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. Everytime you start to think about what a future with him could be like or finding yourself wanting more, force yourself to STOP.

 

He's never going to leave. They never do. Understand that from the start and you won't be so hurt when the inevitable happens.

[stillafool]

I really don't see potential and if you read around this forum about the MM who said they were going to leave their wife and family you would know why I say this. Right now he probably does feel like he can leave his wife because she is not being sexual with him. When this changes, and it will, he will most likely not leave his wife and little kids. Especially if the wife gets a whiff that he's having an affair. She will fight for him and sex and the kids will be her weapon against you. There are very few MM who will leave their family for the OW. Just read some of the stories here and you may get a new perspective.

[Reality1228]

Everybody wants more, everybody wants what they can't have. It's normal and it's not wrong.

 

But for the sake of my own sanity, I learnt that the best thing you can do for yourself in such situations is to be content and not gets your hopes up. Even better, have no hope at all. Otherwise you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. Everytime you start to think about what a future with him could be like or finding yourself wanting more, force yourself to STOP.

 

He's never going to leave. They never do. Understand that from the start and you won't be so hurt when the inevitable happens.

 

 

You sound like you've been in my shoes. I know one thing...if this does not work out for me, I will NEVER get involved with a married man again. It seemed like an OK thing to do while I was with my husband but has been hard since I've been on my own. He's so honest with me though...I think he will tell me the truth if I have the nerve to ask the question. I just have been afraid to show how deeply invested I am in him to this emotional extent. I'm afraid that it will freak him out if I ask OR I will be required to make a hard decision. If he says he will NEVER leave her (which I don't think he can say 100% based on previous comments), I'm afraid that I love him so much and feel so connected to him that I will continue on with him anyway.

[stillafool]

You sound like you've been in my shoes. I know one thing...if this does not work out for me, I will NEVER get involved with a married man again. It seemed like an OK thing to do while I was with my husband but has been hard since I've been on my own. He's so honest with me though...I think he will tell me the truth if I have the nerve to ask the question. I just have been afraid to show how deeply invested I am in him to this emotional extent. I'm afraid that it will freak him out if I ask OR I will be required to make a hard decision. If he says he will NEVER leave her (which I don't think he can say 100% based on previous comments), I'm afraid that I love him so much and feel so connected to him that I will continue on with him anyway.

 

Yes this is normally what happens, then begins the REAL PAIN.

[Reality1228]

Yes this is normally what happens, then begins the REAL PAIN.

 

Goodness....so maybe I'm better off not opening this can of worms and seeing where things go naturally??? I found this really awesome article on this page that I follow called Elephant Journal. It has a list of 33 questions that you and your lover answer together. It is designed to strengthen your love and connection with one another. I told him that I want to do this exercise with him and he was all for it. One of the questions is: when we met, how long did you think we would be together? How long do you think we will be together now? Maybe this exercise is the ticket to getting my answers rather than asking him a blunt question. It just so happens it was one of the 33 questions. I didn't make it up myself so it won't look like I have an agenda (even though I kind of do).

[Ms. Faust]

It can work if you think you can endure:

 

• A man jumping from one relationship into another (much like yourself) and pacifying sexual needs with finding other people to become emotionally attached to.
  
• A man with young kids, while yours are older
  
• The potential of the affair being exposed
  
• If it is exposed the anger and resentment of the wife
  
• If it is not exposed the anger and resentment of the wife
  
• Him possibly considering reconciling with his wife somewhere down the road
  
• Him dividing and deciding his time between you and his kids
  
• Him supporting two households
  

 

If you can endure all of this, then yes, it is possible your relationship can work.

 

But yeah, talk to him and see what he wants, set goals, and go from there.

[cozycottagelg]

My fear is his wife will find out, he will see the damage that he has caused and will want to be there and try to make it work with her.

 

Sadly, most men do not leave. He can say that he can't live like that forever, but that doesn't mean he will leave anytime soon.

 

Also, are you certain his relationship is as bad as he says. From reading this forum, I've seen so many wives say that their husbands told the OW they had a non-existent sex life, which turned out to be untrue.

[Gus Grimly]

You're right. I don't guess anyone has judged me. I guess I was just wanting answers to my questions without having to hear the harsh reality that goes along with situations like this.

 

Ideally, negotiating the reality of your situation is something you should do sooner than later. When we are in the throws of love it can be difficult to see a situation clearly. Most of the folks on this forum, I found, are not here to sit in judgment of anyone. Actually, the advice I've been given on LS was not the ego boosting, pity party I was looking for initially. Don't be so quick to overlook the validity in the guidance given to you here. If your motivation for seeking out advice was solely for self-indulgence, you may be disappointed. The truth sometimes can be a tough pill to swallow, but I'm telling you right now, no one here wants you to get hurt.

[Satu]

The relationship you have is the relationship you have.

 

If you're happy with it today, you'll probably be happy with it tomorrow.

 

If you're not happy with it today, you probably won't be happy with it tomorrow.

 

You want more, so you're not happy today.

Edited August 31, 2015 by Satu

[Reality1228]

Ideally, negotiating the reality of your situation is something you should do sooner than later. When we are in the throws of love it can be difficult to see a situation clearly. Most of the folks on this forum, I found, are not here to sit in judgment of anyone. Actually, the advice I've been given on LS was not the ego boosting, pity party I was looking for initially. Don't be so quick to overlook the validity in the guidance given to you here. If your motivation for seeking out advice was solely for self-indulgence, you may be disappointed. The truth sometimes can be a tough pill to swallow, but I'm telling you right now, no one here wants you to get hurt.

 

I'm rather confused now. I don't know whether or not to ask him questions about the future and our goals based on what I'm reading. Some of you say that it is good to clarify this but others think that it will mess up what we have (kind of similar to having "the talk" in your run of the mill relationship). See above about the 33 questions exercise. Would this be the safe way to go?

[wanderingxsoulz]

You sound like you've been in my shoes. I know one thing...if this does not work out for me, I will NEVER get involved with a married man again. It seemed like an OK thing to do while I was with my husband but has been hard since I've been on my own. He's so honest with me though...I think he will tell me the truth if I have the nerve to ask the question. I just have been afraid to show how deeply invested I am in him to this emotional extent. I'm afraid that it will freak him out if I ask OR I will be required to make a hard decision. If he says he will NEVER leave her (which I don't think he can say 100% based on previous comments), I'm afraid that I love him so much and feel so connected to him that I will continue on with him anyway.

For me, I never wanted him to leave his family. We talked about it in the beginning as well. I left him about 2 months ago though and we have been NC ever since.

 

Anyway, I think you should just ask him since you are likely to keep obsessing over the unknown until it tears you apart from the inside. I know how it feels. Just ask in a casual way without any pressure. It's always the uncertainty that seems so scary.

 

I was really bothered and upset when I found out that it wasn't the first time my MM had an A. Obsessed and cried over it for days, kept wondering to even bring it up or let it go. Eventually I decided to ask because I know it would just keep bugging me and destroy me if I kept quiet. Nothing serious, I simply just mentioned it. He explained and talked about it, and I feel immediately better afterwards. Maybe I just wanted the hurt to go away and was willing to believe anything. After all, when it comes to him, I'm weak and let him get away with anything. But talking about it did help. Communication is key.