Wanting more...is it too soon???

[Lois_Griffin]

You sound like you've been in my shoes. I know one thing...if this does not work out for me, I will NEVER get involved with a married man again. It seemed like an OK thing to do while I was with my husband but has been hard since I've been on my own. He's so honest with me though...I think he will tell me the truth if I have the nerve to ask the question. I just have been afraid to show how deeply invested I am in him to this emotional extent. I'm afraid that it will freak him out if I ask OR I will be required to make a hard decision. If he says he will NEVER leave her (which I don't think he can say 100% based on previous comments), I'm afraid that I love him so much and feel so connected to him that I will continue on with him anyway.

Why should you fear being able to ask him his intentions? If you're sharing your body with him, you should damned well be able to expect him to give you an honest answer. Whether you GET an honest answer or more vague bullsh*t like his statement that he won't stay in his marriage "forever" (which means NOTHING) remains to be seen.

 

He's purposely made sure to keep everything vague so you cant hold him to any promised due dates. That's not an accident. That's typical crap designed to keep you on the hook without him having to put his money where his mouth is, is all.

[goodyblue]

I agree, you have to pay attention to what your husband wants/needs but it is vice versa as well. Being pregnant right now , there are effects that aren't part of my norm tied to the hormones and we are already discussing quite heavily the impact of delivery, breastfeeding, etc. on our intimacy. Sex can and will be impacted in the first few weeks and can be impacted much longer. The main hormone for breastfeeding is prolactin which decreases estrogen and can decrease your sex drive especially in the first 4-6 weeks. This is the body's attempts to stop another pregnancy too early. An article I read last night said that while it doesn't impact everyone, continued breastfeeding can continue lowering libido as well as vaginal dryness for months afterwards though no studied showed that it continued after 12 months. Studies did show potentially faster return of sex drive in women who formula fed.

 

But intimacy can be done through other means and one can seek medical attention. But it takes both parties prioritizing and working together on this and some level of understanding of the pure medical reasons why one loses their sex drive. It has nothing to do with a bad sex life prior or even after but that time period during can be impacted without any one person to "blame".

 

So neither party is wrong in how they feel, he is wrong for wanting intimacy and she isn't wrong in being "touched out", hormonal impacted, etc. But it is the, at least attempt, to address and work together.

 

I am not really sure questioning the medical aspects ( except painful sex, if that happens get to a Dr), I am saying that neglecting intimacy with your husband for 18 months is an egregious error and it is not fair to either party. It creates a distance. Face it, a relationship without sex is friendship. That bond is important. I guess my prolactin gave up, I went to my 2 month post partum check and was pregnant??

 

As for the butterflies going away... we have been together for years and I still want to jump him when he walks through the door, but as you said, the reasons change, the feeling hasn't. ?

[Curdie]

Curdie, are you saying I am lying or in some why not able to acknowledge and recognize how I am feeling? I feel that is pretty presumptuous on your end.

 

I am sorry you haven't experienced it and I feel for you in your romantic relationships then but I am very confident in saying I recognize, analyze and acknowledge my emotions and feelings throughout my life and relationship and am quite adapt at making the comparison and resulting conclusion. Thank you.

 

And I am not alone in this. There are many others who have similar feelings in long term relationships. What "makes" me want to tear his clothes off may change but the resulting action - desire to have him naked and on me does not change. "Time in position" gives me new data to analyze and appreciate to sustain said "butterflies" and "shivers" as you put it.

 

I'm suggesting that you're a romantic and are therefore romanticizing your relationship, convinced that your relationship is special and therefore not subject to biological realities. Your assumption that you are somehow different and special, so clearly your experience must be better than anyone else's is far more presumptuous than me pointing to scientific facts. Also, your immediate defensive attitude rather suggests that you are not as sure in your experience as you would have us believe.

 

It is misleading and a disservice to tell someone that the initial infatuation is an accurate portrayal of what a long term relationship will look like. We are hardwired to get a massive reward when we encounter a new partner. The hormonal reactions simply aren't the same once you have been desensitized. It is a well documented fact.

[Lois_Griffin]

I guess the thing is right now, what do I really have to lose? The way I see it, I have until my divorce is final to have it truly figured out. I know that leaves 10 or 11 months for us to explore our relationship, figure out what we want and make some decisions. Who says I will want to commit to him at that time? I'm going to lay it out like that. I'm not going to give him an ultimatum of me or her. I'm going to ask him to be thinking about where he wants our relationship to go during that time period and if he thinks it may ever be in the cards that he would get out of his current situation. I could use some help with how to word all of this.

What do you stand to lose? Aside from possible years of your life, just READ around here and see the stories of the many OW who have invested YEARS in their affairs and have nothing to show for it. NOTHING.

 

Nothing but anger, resentment, diminished self esteem, tons of shame that they allowed themselves to believe the stories they were told, anger that their hearts are in pieces while their MM have gone back to their marriages and are living their lives just fine, and the list just goes on and on and on.

 

For every one success story you read, there are THOUSANDS of horrific tales that ended very, very badly.

 

Investing another year emotionally in this man is just going to get you deeper into despair. By the time it's all said and done, it's going to be another year or two before you're even emotionally well enough to start dating.

 

The emotional price tag for an affair is WAY too high.

 

What have you got to lose? Just about everything.

[Reality1228]

Well sorry to burst your bubble, this is not a run-of-the-mill relationship. If it works out, this might possibly lead to a second marriage/long term relationship for the both of you. You are not in your early twenties doing the dating scene. There's simply no more need to be playing guessing games or he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not... do you get what I am saying?

 

Also, if he is as honest to you as you say he is, why are you holding back and thinking so much about asking him a simple question? If you can't be honest about your feelings or even your daily thoughts to your supposed love of your life, is this relationship really workable?

 

Gently, ask yourself, are you afraid of it being a bad timing thing or are you really just afraid of hearing the answer?

 

Throughout my 2 year A, I too, always firmly believed that my xMM was 100% honest to me. I gathered that from his thoughtful behavior, the way it wasn't all about sex, the daily interactions, his advice to me for my life.............. sounds familiar? YUP your MM is not the only MM in the world who is nice, thoughtful and makes you feel that the connection is real.

 

So what if he is seemingly honest to you most of the time? That's a given in any relationship/friendship/interaction even between strangers. That does not say anything about his character. This affair is what truly speaks about his character (and yours naturally), and this is what you are supposed to be actually pondering about.

 

And yup. A man can love you, sure, but it takes a REAL MAN to do what is needed to do and fight for it if he wants it.

 

Seems like he is not doing anything as of now. And if he does, do you really want a man who leaves his family and young children?

 

Just ask him and save yourself these overanalyzing agony.

 

Don't be afraid to push him because it's now or never. Don't waste your life on what ifs and a man who is never gonna leave.

 

Good luck! (and trust me I am coming from a sympathetic position even if I sound otherwise)

 

 

This is for M4P and all of the other people who want an update and were worried because I was afraid to ask questions:

 

 

We met after work yesterday and I knew that I had to be upfront with him if we were to ever have a chance of anything working between us longterm. I decided if he was going to push me away because I asked him such questions it was better to know now rather than later. Plus the fact that he has encouraged me to be honest and vulnerable with him the whole time. I felt like I owed it to myself to take a chance.

 

 

He told me that he was glad that I brought it up and was not freaked outin the least. He did not flinch or get nervous—just automatically startedtelling me how he felt. He said at sixmonths we need to be having these conversations and thinking about the future.He told me that he is thinking about what he wants long term and that at thispoint he doesn’t know how things will work out for him. The possibility does exist that he would getout. He is not satisfied with his relationship with her right now. He doesn’t know how long he should waitaround to see if something will change or if there is anything he can do aboutit. They have talked some but nothinghas changed and he tries to be understanding. He said that he never clickedwith her the way he has with me. Ifthere was the possibility for this type of connection with her he didn’trealize it and it never happened. He thanked me for my honesty and asked me toalways be that way. So, I guess I feelsome relief. I knew that he was notgoing to say he was leaving her. I’m notready to make that kind of commitment to him and he would have been lying if hesaid that he was. I did find out that he is not one of those people that isdefinitely in there for the long haul no matter what. He does have children to consider and said that is what makes the decision not be a no brainer for him. Otherwise, he would know the answer.

[Curdie]

Got it, this is a quick, easy, informative read: Why We Fall in Love: The Science of Love

 

All the evidence suggests that the thread starter is in the attraction stage.

[anika99]

I am not really sure questioning the medical aspects ( except painful sex, if that happens get to a Dr), I am saying that neglecting intimacy with your husband for 18 months is an egregious error and it is not fair to either party. It creates a distance. Face it, a relationship without sex is friendship. That bond is important. I guess my prolactin gave up, I went to my 2 month post partum check and was pregnant??

 

As for the butterflies going away... we have been together for years and I still want to jump him when he walks through the door, but as you said, the reasons change, the feeling hasn't. ?

 

Who ignored intimacy with their husband for 18 months? The OP's MM had a baby just a few months old as well as a couple of other children when he decided his wife's recent loss of sex drive entitled him to get his needs met elsewhere and as another poster pointed out, the fact that he had the freedom and the time to develop a new relationship when he had 3 kids, one a newborn baby, indicates he wasn't doing much to assist his wife with their kids. Isn't this thread supposed to be about the OP's specific situation?

 

OP it's kind of obvious that you are in the throes of infatuation and lust and you are not able to to really look past your feelings to see this situation clearly. I guess you're just going to have to through the pain that is coming your way. That sucks but sometimes people just have to learn the hard way. All I would suggest is that you not make this affair the entire focus of your life. Don't stop doing anything that you would normally do just so you can be available for the MM. Don't shut out your friends and family and don't ever cancel plans just because the MM calls. Just don't make this affair the purpose of your life.

[goodyblue]

Got it, this is a quick, easy, informative read: Why We Fall in Love: The Science of Love

 

All the evidence suggests that the thread starter is in the attraction stage.

 

Pretty sure we all know how infatuation works. Don't discount staying in that stage because it is actively nurtured and appreciated. I still have very strong infatuation for my h. Most the time it feels like we have just met, only deeper.

[Lois_Griffin]

Dancewithme...what is in it for me? I have been in many relationships over the years and I have NEVER felt the connection that I have with this man...emotionally, physically, spiritually. I don't know if it will ever amount to anything at this point, but I feel like I can't trade it in for something less without giving it my ALL. The thought of losing him physically takes my breath away.

Logic alone tells you that THIS relationship is not like any of the others so you're trying to compare apples and oranges.

 

If this relationship were allowed to develop just like all your prior ones, it would probably not be the star-crossed, soul-mate, take-my-breath-away romance you feel it is.

 

Why?

 

Be honest with yourself. This relationship is happening inside a little bubble. You're not dong what people in a normal relationship DO. You're giving each other small snippets of stolen time and you both make sure those snippets are ALWAYS crammed with quality time, both on your best behavior.

 

You yourself said you were going to see him the other night but didn't want to mar your small amount of time together by bringing up his intentions for the future. And that's why I say you always make sure your small amounts of time are always spent being the best you can be.

 

THAT right there is a perfect example of what I mean about this relationship being conducted inside a tiny little bubble. If this were a normal relationship, you'd have no problem sitting down with him and discussing what the future looks like. And you could do it at your own leisure, not watching the clock and worrying that he only has an hour and 12 minutes to spend with you before he has to go back home. In a real relationship, you'd HAVE that conversation instead of trying to cram only quality time into that hour and 12 minutes.

 

So it's unfair to try to compare your past relationships with this one because they're two entirely DIFFERENT things.

[anika99]

This is for M4P and all of the other people who want an update and were worried because I was afraid to ask questions:

 

 

We met after work yesterday and I knew that I had to be upfront with him if we were to ever have a chance of anything working between us longterm. I decided if he was going to push me away because I asked him such questions it was better to know now rather than later. Plus the fact that he has encouraged me to be honest and vulnerable with him the whole time. I felt like I owed it to myself to take a chance.

 

 

He told me that he was glad that I brought it up and was not freaked outin the least. He did not flinch or get nervous—just automatically startedtelling me how he felt. He said at sixmonths we need to be having these conversations and thinking about the future.He told me that he is thinking about what he wants long term and that at thispoint he doesn’t know how things will work out for him. The possibility does exist that he would getout. He is not satisfied with his relationship with her right now. He doesn’t know how long he should waitaround to see if something will change or if there is anything he can do aboutit. They have talked some but nothinghas changed and he tries to be understanding. He said that he never clickedwith her the way he has with me. Ifthere was the possibility for this type of connection with her he didn’trealize it and it never happened. He thanked me for my honesty and asked me toalways be that way. So, I guess I feelsome relief. I knew that he was notgoing to say he was leaving her. I’m notready to make that kind of commitment to him and he would have been lying if hesaid that he was. I did find out that he is not one of those people that isdefinitely in there for the long haul no matter what. He does have children to consider and said that is what makes the decision not be a no brainer for him. Otherwise, he would know the answer.

 

So he pretty much gave you the vague noncommittal answere that I said you would get and left you in the very same state of not knowing where this is heading. Remember your first posts on this thread where you said you wanted to know if there was a future for you with him? Well you still don't know. You are in the same position you were in before you talked to him.

[Got it]

I'm suggesting that you're a romantic and are therefore romanticizing your relationship, convinced that your relationship is special and therefore not subject to biological realities. Your assumption that you are somehow different and special, so clearly your experience must be better than anyone else's is far more presumptuous than me pointing to scientific facts. Also, your immediate defensive attitude rather suggests that you are not as sure in your experience as you would have us believe.

 

It is misleading and a disservice to tell someone that the initial infatuation is an accurate portrayal of what a long term relationship will look like. We are hardwired to get a massive reward when we encounter a new partner. The hormonal reactions simply aren't the same once you have been desensitized. It is a well documented fact.

 

Curdie, why not stay awhile on Loveshack and read and then come to your conclusions.

 

And me a romantic? :laugh: Umm no.

 

Since you feel that I am so far an anomaly to have fabricated my opinion please cite your research to show such a strong correlation to exactly one way that relationships and emotions evolve. In all my years of study this is news to me.

 

I am not telling anyone that their experience would be different. I am only speaking for my experience. And again, I wasn't the only one who said it either and this is a small sampling of individuals. So, quite possibly, you have misunderstood your data or not fully researched said topic.

 

My only defensiveness is basically being called a liar or disillusion but the energy level is quite small. This is far more entertainment than anything else.

[Got it]

Got it, this is a quick, easy, informative read: Why We Fall in Love: The Science of Love

 

All the evidence suggests that the thread starter is in the attraction stage.

 

Curdie, I didn't say she wasn't in the attraction stage. You are now arguing a completely different point.

[Got it]

Curdie,

 

I want to highlight again what I am Goody are saying, "And I am not alone in this. There are many others who have similar feelings in long term relationships. What "makes" me want to tear his clothes off may change but the resulting action - desire to have him naked and on me does not change. "Time in position" gives me new data to analyze and appreciate to sustain said "butterflies" and "shivers" as you put it."

 

So again, the chemical breakdown during infatuation may have changed BUT one can still feel the same/similar emotions based on other triggers/data. Again, the physical manifestation that is shown can still be there while the potential underlying reasons may be altered.

 

No where have I said that infatuation doesn't exist. But I also am saying that reality shows that the feelings/physical manifestations can still be expressed far longer than the honeymoon period.

 

That has been quite remarkable in this relationship for myself than in past ones. One does not expect to continue feeling these feelings, you expect a certain level of complacency, dare I even say boredom, over the years.

 

But that has not happened as of yet. And that makes me very happy. Now we work very hard on our relationship and nurturing each other so there is a constant 'feeding' of one's needs that will fuel the attraction and reward center of one's brain.

[Lois_Griffin]

He told me that he was glad that I brought it up and was not freaked outin the least. He did not flinch or get nervous—just automatically startedtelling me how he felt. He said at sixmonths we need to be having these conversations and thinking about the future.He told me that he is thinking about what he wants long term and that at thispoint he doesn’t know how things will work out for him. The possibility does exist that he would getout. He is not satisfied with his relationship with her right now. He doesn’t know how long he should waitaround to see if something will change or if there is anything he can do aboutit. They have talked some but nothinghas changed and he tries to be understanding. He said that he never clickedwith her the way he has with me. Ifthere was the possibility for this type of connection with her he didn’trealize it and it never happened. He thanked me for my honesty and asked me toalways be that way. So, I guess I feelsome relief. I knew that he was notgoing to say he was leaving her. I’m notready to make that kind of commitment to him and he would have been lying if hesaid that he was. I did find out that he is not one of those people that isdefinitely in there for the long haul no matter what. He does have children to consider and said that is what makes the decision not be a no brainer for him. Otherwise, he would know the answer.

So you basically got more of the same - an ambiguous, vague, completely non-committal 'answer' that told you nothing that you didn't already know. But he made sure to pepper it with gratuitous compliments about how he's never felt this way before and your connection is unlike anything he's ever experienced.

 

I have the feeling when you ask him this question 5 years from now, you'll get the same bullsh*t answer.

 

Good luck to you.

[Got it]

This is for M4P and all of the other people who want an update and were worried because I was afraid to ask questions:

 

 

We met after work yesterday and I knew that I had to be upfront with him if we were to ever have a chance of anything working between us longterm. I decided if he was going to push me away because I asked him such questions it was better to know now rather than later. Plus the fact that he has encouraged me to be honest and vulnerable with him the whole time. I felt like I owed it to myself to take a chance.

 

 

He told me that he was glad that I brought it up and was not freaked outin the least. He did not flinch or get nervous—just automatically startedtelling me how he felt. He said at sixmonths we need to be having these conversations and thinking about the future.He told me that he is thinking about what he wants long term and that at thispoint he doesn’t know how things will work out for him. The possibility does exist that he would getout. He is not satisfied with his relationship with her right now. He doesn’t know how long he should waitaround to see if something will change or if there is anything he can do aboutit. They have talked some but nothinghas changed and he tries to be understanding. He said that he never clickedwith her the way he has with me. Ifthere was the possibility for this type of connection with her he didn’trealize it and it never happened. He thanked me for my honesty and asked me toalways be that way. So, I guess I feelsome relief. I knew that he was notgoing to say he was leaving her. I’m notready to make that kind of commitment to him and he would have been lying if hesaid that he was. I did find out that he is not one of those people that isdefinitely in there for the long haul no matter what. He does have children to consider and said that is what makes the decision not be a no brainer for him. Otherwise, he would know the answer.

 

Okay, that is well and good but then I like to ask "and then what"? He told you yes the relationship with you is important, he wants to continue it but gave no other details outside of that. Are you satisfied with that? Are you wanting a more concrete plan? What is planning to do to come to a decision?

 

I know there is definite relief he him validating your importance in his life but was this all you needed to hear or is there more?

[Curdie]

Curdie,

 

I want to highlight again what I am Goody are saying, "And I am not alone in this. There are many others who have similar feelings in long term relationships. What "makes" me want to tear his clothes off may change but the resulting action - desire to have him naked and on me does not change. "Time in position" gives me new data to analyze and appreciate to sustain said "butterflies" and "shivers" as you put it."

 

So again, the chemical breakdown during infatuation may have changed BUT one can still feel the same/similar emotions based on other triggers/data. Again, the physical manifestation that is shown can still be there while the potential underlying reasons may be altered.

 

No where have I said that infatuation doesn't exist. But I also am saying that reality shows that the feelings/physical manifestations can still be expressed far longer than the honeymoon period.

 

That has been quite remarkable in this relationship for myself than in past ones. One does not expect to continue feeling these feelings, you expect a certain level of complacency, dare I even say boredom, over the years.

 

But that has not happened as of yet. And that makes me very happy. Now we work very hard on our relationship and nurturing each other so there is a constant 'feeding' of one's needs that will fuel the attraction and reward center of one's brain.

 

I'm sorry, but did you guys read what you just wrote? Yeah, physical manifestations can continue if you put the work in. But the fact that you have to work for it means that it is inherently different from the honeymoon stage. The honeymoon stage just happens, no work required. The hormonal high is built into it naturally. The hormones that promote bonding after the initial infatuation are dependent on making the right choices to nurture the attachment. Sex, cuddling, supporting one another, etc.

 

And really that's the crux of the issue isn't it? You're here telling op that the honeymoon period can last indefinitely, but you've admitted that the hormonal basis for those feelings will eventually disappear. After that point it will be up to op and her MM to nurture the relationship. And we've already seen how her MM handles that situation. Rather than bonding with his newborn and postpartum wife he's checked out. This should be a period for some pretty intense bonding. Instead, he's having an affair. This man can't, or won't, put in the work to attach to his current wife.

 

But sure, keep feeding into her fantasy that MM will leave and her relationship with him will be exactly the same as the affair is now. All consuming obsession, effortless attraction, eternal puppy love with little to no actual work. That's totally realistic.

[Reality1228]

Okay, that is well and good but then I like to ask "and then what"? He told you yes the relationship with you is important, he wants to continue it but gave no other details outside of that. Are you satisfied with that? Are you wanting a more concrete plan? What is planning to do to come to a decision?

 

I know there is definite relief he him validating your importance in his life but was this all you needed to hear or is there more?

 

 

We decided that we needed to talk about where things were going periodically and not live in the haze of an affair. Right now, neither of us are willing to make a life long commitment to one another (including me). I don't know what the next year holds. I'd be scared to make him a promise that I might break. I'm three months into my separation and will not be divorced until the end of next summer. What I wanted to know was...are you the type of person that would hang in there with your marriage regardless of how bad it got just for the sake of your children? He's not. I wanted to know if he could ever envision himself leaving his marriage? He said that is a possibility depending on how things play out. There is still uncertainty but I feel like we are on the same page now. If both of us don't know beyond the shadow of a doubt that we want to be together before then, I think a hard decision will have to be made by the time my divorce is final.

[wanderingxsoulz]

I left my MM two months ago and we have been NC ever since. Hurts a lot and I can't move on. Like most OWs, I thought he was the bees' knees too and always defended him. But it's hard to defend someone whom your loved ones will never meet, someone who's never there.

 

Still, now that I'm two months in, I'm finally starting to see what an emotionally manipulative POS he actually is.

 

Do I still love him? Yes.

Do I regret anything? No.

Was it worth it in the end? No.

[goodyblue]

Who ignored intimacy with their husband for 18 months? The OP's MM had a baby just a few months old as well as a couple of other children when he decided his wife's recent loss of sex drive entitled him to get his needs met elsewhere and as another poster pointed out, the fact that he had the freedom and the time to develop a new relationship when he had 3 kids, one a newborn baby, indicates he wasn't doing much to assist his wife with their kids. Isn't this thread supposed to be about the OP's specific situation?

 

OP it's kind of obvious that you are in the throes of infatuation and lust and you are not able to to really look past your feelings to see this situation clearly. I guess you're just going to have to through the pain that is coming your way. That sucks but sometimes people just have to learn the hard way. All I would suggest is that you not make this affair the entire focus of your life. Don't stop doing anything that you would normally do just so you can be available for the MM. Don't shut out your friends and family and don't ever cancel plans just because the MM calls. Just don't make this affair the purpose of your life.

 

I may be mistaken but... wasn't it stated by OP that the baby is around a year and the sex dwindled before the baby is born?

 

I am not saying the affair is ok because of that, but if a man is being neglected it can make him weak and feel justified in an affair eVen if he isn't. As for helping with kids, you are guessing. Nobody knows what happens at home except what OP says her MM told her. At this time OP is choosing to believe him so that is what I am going with.

[goodyblue]

I'm sorry, but did you guys read what you just wrote? Yeah, physical manifestations can continue if you put the work in. But the fact that you have to work for it means that it is inherently different from the honeymoon stage. The honeymoon stage just happens, no work required. The hormonal high is built into it naturally. The hormones that promote bonding after the initial infatuation are dependent on making the right choices to nurture the attachment. Sex, cuddling, supporting one another, etc.

 

And really that's the crux of the issue isn't it? You're here telling op that the honeymoon period can last indefinitely, but you've admitted that the hormonal basis for those feelings will eventually disappear. After that point it will be up to op and her MM to nurture the relationship. And we've already seen how her MM handles that situation. Rather than bonding with his newborn and postpartum wife he's checked out. This should be a period for some pretty intense bonding. Instead, he's having an affair. This man can't, or won't, put in the work to attach to his current wife.

 

But sure, keep feeding into her fantasy that MM will leave and her relationship with him will be exactly the same as the affair is now. All consuming obsession, effortless attraction, eternal puppy love with little to no actual work. That's totally realistic.

 

To be clear, I do not feel my hormonal reaction to my h has changed significantly. I feel we have worked to have a close relationship since the very beginning. I do not feel like I put in any more work into it than we did at the beginning. I just feel that needs change and you have to keep up. Doesn't mean that honeymoon feeling has to end. Remember, when you begin in an affair ( at least for us) you naturally work harder at the R and that sets it up to know what is needed to keep things wonderful.

 

I still get giddy and lose my breath when I think about him touching me. Sorry if it sounds cheesy, I just do. It doesn't feel any different years later. In fact, sharing a home and bed, we have MORE intimate moments NOW. I always look forward to it.

[Reality1228]

I may be mistaken but... wasn't it stated by OP that the baby is around a year and the sex dwindled before the baby is born?

 

I am not saying the affair is ok because of that, but if a man is being neglected it can make him weak and feel justified in an affair eVen if he isn't. As for helping with kids, you are guessing. Nobody knows what happens at home except what OP says her MM told her. At this time OP is choosing to believe him so that is what I am going with.

 

Yes, their sex life was not good during the pregnancy which is understandable. I think this was something that he had experienced with his other two children as well. It was the fact that it did not ever pick back up after the baby was born. The baby is now ten months old and I think there has been ample time for things to be at least somewhat better. The worst part is that he has expressed his concern to deaf ears. She makes excuses even though she knows its an issue.

 

 

Oh, and he does help with the children. When he is home, he spends all of his time taking care of them and loves them dearly. I can attest to this because I know all of the places he takes them and have seen pictures to prove this. He is not spending lots of extra time on me at their expense. We text and talk while he is either at work or in transit...or after they are tucked in their beds at night. I do not let myself come before them. When we see one another, it is generally during the day or shortly after work so as to not take time away from them.

 

 

I know he is not perfect, but neither am I. I got in this situation while I was married and I know the person I am. I cannot judge him when I'm right there with him. Neither of us have ever done this before and I don't think either of us ever will again if we don't work. I am the second real love affair in his lifetime. He met his wife in college and she is the only person he has ever been with. He is not scum. Is he deceiving her? Yes, he is and I know it bothers him because he has told me so. But, he is not a bad man. He is being selfish but she did not listen to him or try to make things better when he confronted her. And still isn't, ten months later.

[Ms. Faust]

The worst part is that he has expressed his concern to deaf ears. She makes excuses even though she knows its an issue.

 

 

 

What kind of excuses?

[ladydesigner]

We decided that we needed to talk about where things were going periodically and not live in the haze of an affair. Right now, neither of us are willing to make a life long commitment to one another (including me). I don't know what the next year holds. I'd be scared to make him a promise that I might break. I'm three months into my separation and will not be divorced until the end of next summer. What I wanted to know was...are you the type of person that would hang in there with your marriage regardless of how bad it got just for the sake of your children? He's not. I wanted to know if he could ever envision himself leaving his marriage? He said that is a possibility depending on how things play out. There is still uncertainty but I feel like we are on the same page now. If both of us don't know beyond the shadow of a doubt that we want to be together before then, I think a hard decision will have to be made by the time my divorce is final.

 

Reality it sounds like it is going to just be more of the same, except now he knows you want more and he is still being vague and now you are okay with that as long as you both know that you want more, but will this ever change?

 

Are you prepared to be a happy OW indefinitely? A time-line for what you are willing to put up with might be smart, like can you do this for 1 year, 2 years or more the way it currently is?

[Dancewithme]

Brain chemistry is a powerful thing. It controls behaviors, love, bonding, mental disease, etc. Why does addiction to substances exist? Why do anti-depressive drugs work? Because they alter the brain chemistry. Infatuation, and the honeymoon stage are documented real neurotransmitter induced behavioral changes.

 

Dear OP, you are in the throes of this. But it does not make it any less real.

 

The chemical induced attractions and feelings of euphoria bring you together, and commitment to the relationship, desire for companionship, genuine like for the person, existence of children, etc help to sustain the feelings when the chemicals subside. That's why, after many years, people are still in love. But it is a different love. Deeper, richer, brought on by the desire to have it be so. That is why arranged marriages in many cultures worked. They were not brought together by an all-encompassing, breath-hitching, heartbeat-skipping passion. They were together for a common goal, and learned to be in love. Your rational brain kicks in, and takes over, and helps you to sustain the relationship.

 

I once asked a woman I knew who was married for 52 years how to stay married that long. Her answer? "Don't get divorced". She went on to elaborate, that married life is full of good and bad, ups and downs. Sometimes you really want to kill your partner, and it's your commitment to the commitment that pulls you through till it gets better. She then told me that she thought younger folks ended their marriages much too quickly at the first sign of trouble, instead of hanging in. That's why the vows say" for better or worse, for richer or poorer". (Sometimes, though, a marriage needs to end if there is violence, or some other destructive behavior)

 

It sounds like why your MM is willing to string you along for the easy fun and games. He wants easy rewards (you), and not do the work he should be doing at home. These people don't need you interfering in their marriage, they need counseling. And it sounds like you do to to help you see this for what it is, help you regain your self esteem, and not be OK with a unavailable man stringing you along like this.

 

Sorry I'm long winded, it's a flaw I'm working on. Please try counseling, you sound like a good person who needs to know she deserves better. Good luck to you.

[Got it]

We decided that we needed to talk about where things were going periodically and not live in the haze of an affair. Right now, neither of us are willing to make a life long commitment to one another (including me). I don't know what the next year holds. I'd be scared to make him a promise that I might break. I'm three months into my separation and will not be divorced until the end of next summer. What I wanted to know was...are you the type of person that would hang in there with your marriage regardless of how bad it got just for the sake of your children? He's not. I wanted to know if he could ever envision himself leaving his marriage? He said that is a possibility depending on how things play out. There is still uncertainty but I feel like we are on the same page now. If both of us don't know beyond the shadow of a doubt that we want to be together before then, I think a hard decision will have to be made by the time my divorce is final.

 

Okay, I want to caution you that him saying he isn't the type and whether that is actually the reality can be world's apart. What actions has he taken within himself or externally to indicate that to himself?

 

I think, and I am sure you know, that having kids makes it very difficult to NOT sacrifice your happiness to stave off causing them acute pain. So even when you theorize in your head what it will look like, feel like, be like, the actual reality of it can be daunting and even those with the most earnest of intentions can falter.

 

I also caution, and I am sure you know this as well, having ended a marriage, there is/should be a process that one falls that basically proves to yourself that you have done everything you could do to turn things around. I know I have milestones in my previous marriage where I walked this road, where I knew I could finally "give up" because of lack of movement with multiple opportunities, discussions, etc. So can he see what he has done to walk through this process?

 

I advice you really thinking through, what is it that you want and need in a romantic relationship (go abstract on this) and what timeline are you thinking on things. Take that information and apply it here. Now you may be very happy with the conversation and not need anything else over the next year. And if you are happy then I am happy for you. But if that is not really fulfilling your needs/requirements its okay to circle back around for another in depth conversation with action milestones.

 

For myself, we had some very in depth conversations in the beginning going over the same premise of where we were in our respective marriages and what we were wanting- divorce. We discussed how we got there and what it meant to us. We then agreed to have an affair we needed mutual expectations. So we hammered things out. Now that doesn't mean it was black and white carved in stone but it was a clear understanding where each party stood, what timeline they suspected they needed and the comfort level for each other. So, for myself, I was in the affair for him - not to be in affair. So I could only afford him a year's time. So I knew myself well enough to know how much I could compromise and then I would need to move on and so I stood by that for myself. I also expected to see milestones along the way to indicate his movement.

 

Not everyone does it this way but I am a pretty analytical person so tied into facts and actions and not on fluffy feelings.

 

Take some time, sit with things, sit with your emotions and see how you feel. And please no it is okay that at any point it no longer works for you. I would advise, take some time and really focus on you, get to know you outside of a SO as your life is turning a major chapter. He is icing on your cake. Make sure that you are taking care of you, your kids, and you are nurturing and developing those areas.