Wanting more...is it too soon???

[Curdie]

Yes, their sex life was not good during the pregnancy which is understandable. I think this was something that he had experienced with his other two children as well. It was the fact that it did not ever pick back up after the baby was born. The baby is now ten months old and I think there has been ample time for things to be at least somewhat better. The worst part is that he has expressed his concern to deaf ears. She makes excuses even though she knows its an issue.

 

 

Oh, and he does help with the children. When he is home, he spends all of his time taking care of them and loves them dearly. I can attest to this because I know all of the places he takes them and have seen pictures to prove this. He is not spending lots of extra time on me at their expense. We text and talk while he is either at work or in transit...or after they are tucked in their beds at night. I do not let myself come before them. When we see one another, it is generally during the day or shortly after work so as to not take time away from them.

 

 

I know he is not perfect, but neither am I. I got in this situation while I was married and I know the person I am. I cannot judge him when I'm right there with him. Neither of us have ever done this before and I don't think either of us ever will again if we don't work. I am the second real love affair in his lifetime. He met his wife in college and she is the only person he has ever been with. He is not scum. Is he deceiving her? Yes, he is and I know it bothers him because he has told me so. But, he is not a bad man. He is being selfish but she did not listen to him or try to make things better when he confronted her. And still isn't, ten months later.

 

I'm going to do my best to say this delicately, because you obviously believe everything you just wrote from the bottom of your heart.

 

In the same post you just said that his wife has been denying him sex and that he doesn't neglect the kids because he only talks to you while they're in bed. Do you not see the contradiction in this? How, exactly, is the lack of sex her problem if he's spending his nights neglecting their sex life to talk to another woman? Her energies are being directed into her growing family. His are being directed towards you. That is neglectful. In addition, you have no idea what actually goes on in his family. Pretty pictures don't mean jack. Do you know how many abusive, dysfunctional families are picture perfect? For all you know he snapped those pics just before he ignored those kids to play games on his phone or handing them right back to their mom. You just don't know.

 

ETA: And might I point out that if he's using company time or resources to conduct his affair, he is risking his family's livlihood which is irresponsible and neglectful. Any time he spends with you, after work or before, could have been spent with his family. Even the emotional energy he spends on you is taken from his family, because that is also finite. No matter how you spin it, he is taking away from his wife and kids to give something to you.

 

And I think it's really important that you learn to differentiate between yourself and the MM. You are not the same person. Acknowledging his flaws will not mean that you are forever doomed to also have those flaws. Yes, the affair was a bad decision. It points towards poor coping skills. You should probably work on yourself, but we all have to do that. You are capable of change. But that change is unlikely to happen if you can't remove yourself from this toxic relationship. And yes, it is toxic. Any relationship that damages your integrity is by it's very nature toxic.

Edited September 2, 2015 by Curdie

[ladydesigner]

I'm sorry, but did you guys read what you just wrote? Yeah, physical manifestations can continue if you put the work in. But the fact that you have to work for it means that it is inherently different from the honeymoon stage. The honeymoon stage just happens, no work required. The hormonal high is built into it naturally. The hormones that promote bonding after the initial infatuation are dependent on making the right choices to nurture the attachment. Sex, cuddling, supporting one another, etc.

 

 

Curdie I have to agree with your assessment. The infatuation stage lasted at most 2 years with me and my WH. The real issues for us did not start until after the kids were born, but I never neglected my WH with sex, I may have not been hounding him about it which is what I think he wanted. But I have never experienced the honeymoon stage past 2-3 years in any of my relationships prior to my M as well.

[Curdie]

Curdie I have to agree with your assessment. The infatuation stage lasted at most 2 years with me and my WH. The real issues for us did not start until after the kids were born, but I never neglected my WH with sex, I may have not been hounding him about it which is what I think he wanted. But I have never experienced the honeymoon stage past 2-3 years in any of my relationships prior to my M as well.

 

Sounds pretty similar to my experience. Our initial honeymoon lasted about 1.5 years and subsequent "artificial" honeymoons last about 4 to 6 months, depending on the length of separation and whatnot. (The joys of military life! Lol.) And I've personally seen it play out countless times with many different couples. The ones who survive are usually the ones who take the time to educate themselves and who are realistic with their expectations.

[Reality1228]

I'm going to do my best to say this delicately, because you obviously believe everything you just wrote from the bottom of your heart.

 

In the same post you just said that his wife has been denying him sex and that he doesn't neglect the kids because he only talks to you while they're in bed. Do you not see the contradiction in this? How, exactly, is the lack of sex her problem if he's spending his nights neglecting their sex life to talk to another woman? Her energies are being directed into her growing family. His are being directed towards you. That is neglectful. In addition, you have no idea what actually goes on in his family. Pretty pictures don't mean jack. Do you know how many abusive, dysfunctional families are picture perfect? For all you know he snapped those pics just before he ignored those kids to play games on his phone or handing them right back to their mom. You just don't know.

 

ETA: And might I point out that if he's using company time or resources to conduct his affair, he is risking his family's livlihood which is irresponsible and neglectful. Any time he spends with you, after work or before, could have been spent with his family. Even the emotional energy he spends on you is taken from his family, because that is also finite. No matter how you spin it, he is taking away from his wife and kids to give something to you.

 

And I think it's really important that you learn to differentiate between yourself and the MM. You are not the same person. Acknowledging his flaws will not mean that you are forever doomed to also have those flaws. Yes, the affair was a bad decision. It points towards poor coping skills. You should probably work on yourself, but we all have to do that. You are capable of change. But that change is unlikely to happen if you can't remove yourself from this toxic relationship. And yes, it is toxic. Any relationship that damages your integrity is by it's very nature toxic.

 

Thank you for your advice and your compassion. He talks to me while they are all sleeping. She says that she has no desire for him and blames it on her birth control. After he has confronted her about it, why doesn't she talk to her doctor or switch to a different pill? She could at least acknowledge that he has needs and give in or focus on him sometimes instead of herself. I'm sorry but there were plenty of times I had sex with my husband because he wanted it, not because I did. He is being taken for granted. He is just not a priority to her right now. Maybe, she will wake up but the longer she doesn't the further they are growing apart.

[goodyblue]

Sounds pretty similar to my experience. Our initial honeymoon lasted about 1.5 years and subsequent "artificial" honeymoons last about 4 to 6 months, depending on the length of separation and whatnot. (The joys of military life! Lol.) And I've personally seen it play out countless times with many different couples. The ones who survive are usually the ones who take the time to educate themselves and who are realistic with their expectations.

 

I am sure this was your experience. It has not been for me.

[sandylee1]

Biologically speaking, that is impossible. A romantic thought, but not representative of what goes on in your brain chemically. Simply put, increased exposure to a specific stimulus (your husband) will decrease the level of dopamine and endorphins released after each exposure. The puppy love, honeymoon period, whatever you want to call it is the result of the massive reward your brain is giving you every time you see the other person. Once the novelty wears off the reward stops. These are just simple biological facts.

 

That's not to say that you can't love somebody after the honeymoon period ends. But it's not going to be the same butterflies with every glance, shivers with every touch, tear our clothes off the second we see each other kind of love. The nature of the attachment will inevitably change.

 

I agree. The heart leaping when the phone rings and that dizzy in love feeling are characteristic of new relationships. That's not to say your not still deeply in love, and don't make love as much as you ever did, but it's not exactly the same as in the beginning.

[Dancewithme]

Thank you for your advice and your compassion. He talks to me while they are all sleeping. She says that she has no desire for him and blames it on her birth control. After he has confronted her about it, why doesn't she talk to her doctor or switch to a different pill? She could at least acknowledge that he has needs and give in or focus on him sometimes instead of herself. I'm sorry but there were plenty of times I had sex with my husband because he wanted it, not because I did. He is being taken for granted. He is just not a priority to her right now. Maybe, she will wake up but the longer she doesn't the further they are growing apart.

 

Unless you have spoken to the wife personally, you only know what the MM is telling you. And it all makes him sound very sympathetic, while the wife sounds cold, uncaring and selfish. Why would you trust anything he tells you, he has already demonstrated how untrustworthy he is by being involved with you. And what a cad, complaining about the mother of his children to some other woman he gets to screw. Why doesn't he complain to a counselor that can help him find constructive ways to help his marriage. Cut her a break, she has a baby and 2 other young children. It is not your concern who she talks to about her problems.

 

I wish you could step back and look at your defenses of him, impartially. Don't you deserve more? That affair fog is a dangerous thing.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

Thank you for your advice and your compassion. He talks to me while they are all sleeping. She says that she has no desire for him and blames it on her birth control. After he has confronted her about it, why doesn't she talk to her doctor or switch to a different pill? She could at least acknowledge that he has needs and give in or focus on him sometimes instead of herself. I'm sorry but there were plenty of times I had sex with my husband because he wanted it, not because I did. He is being taken for granted. He is just not a priority to her right now. Maybe, she will wake up but the longer she doesn't the further they are growing apart.

 

And now she is being taken advantage of while he has this affair with you. Really and truly, do you think they can work out their intimacy problems with you in the picture? He doesn't seem in an immediate rush to end his marriage, nor does he really seem to put in effort too so at this point he is....cake eating.

 

If he came to you and said he and his wife are going to put in real effort to work towards their intimacy would you back away?

 

You seem to blame all their problems on her and your only evidence to back it up is his words. Also you project a lot of your personal views on to his wife but sorry she's not you.

 

I'm getting a vibe that you think she is a neglectful, wife that deserves this because she has taken advantage of this truly amazing guy (who meets random women online and starts affairs with them of course).

[Curdie]

Thank you for your advice and your compassion. He talks to me while they are all sleeping. She says that she has no desire for him and blames it on her birth control. After he has confronted her about it, why doesn't she talk to her doctor or switch to a different pill? She could at least acknowledge that he has needs and give in or focus on him sometimes instead of herself. I'm sorry but there were plenty of times I had sex with my husband because he wanted it, not because I did. He is being taken for granted. He is just not a priority to her right now. Maybe, she will wake up but the longer she doesn't the further they are growing apart.

 

First of all, i would be skeptical of everything he tells you. You know that he is capable of the worst kind of deception imaginable. He cheated on her at four months postpartum. Secondly, what are the odds that a woman with two kids and a brand new baby is going to blame the pill for her low libido? She would have just said that she's exhausted and not in the mood. Or she doesn't feel sexy while covered in spit up and pee. Or, that she's uncomfortable with the changes to her body. Immediately blaming the pill just doesn't make sense from a new mom's perspective. In addition, she's probably on the mini pill if she's breastfeeding. It's not like she can just change the dosage on a whim. Tinkering with her hormonal birth control also means possible exposure for her baby. He probably fed you this story because it seems like an easy fix until you really think about it. It makes her the bad guy and him the poor, suffering husband who was all but forced to cheat on his 4 months postpartum wife. Don't fall for this.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

Unless you have spoken to the wife personally, you only know what the MM is telling you. And it all makes him sound very sympathetic, while the wife sounds cold, uncaring and selfish. Why would you trust anything he tells you, he has already demonstrated how untrustworthy he is by being involved with you. And what a cad, complaining about the mother of his children to some other woman he gets to screw. Why doesn't he complain to a counselor that can help him find constructive ways to help his marriage. Cut her a break, she has a baby and 2 other young children. It is not your concern who she talks to about her problems.

 

I wish you could step back and look at your defenses of him, impartially. Don't you deserve more? That affair fog is a dangerous thing.

 

I fear a DDAY will be a horrific event for OP. Too trusting of this MM and his words.

[elaine567]

Married men looking for sex, usually cannot find a stable, strong, single woman to take them up on their offer. She will tell him to go home to his wife and new born baby, and stop being a selfish a$$.

 

But any woman who is vulnerable, naive, inexperienced or is weak from what life has thrown her will take the bait.

You were that woman, you were a dry sponge ready to take in any moisture offered. He provided water and you were ecstatic, here was the love, affection and validation you had been desperate to find.

You have since been swept along on a huge wave of emotion.

 

Now he is taking stock, and he is NEVER going to leave his wife for you. His vague waffle when you asked for clarification tells you that,

AND would you really want him to desert his three little kids and leave them fatherless?

Best to pack it in whilst you are still able. Life is pretty hard for an OW whose MM has no intentions of ever leaving. It is a life full of angst, worry, upset, anger, distress, desperation and heart ache.

[sandylee1]

We decided that we needed to talk about where things were going periodically and not live in the haze of an affair. Right now, neither of us are willing to make a life long commitment to one another (including me). I don't know what the next year holds. I'd be scared to make him a promise that I might break. I'm three months into my separation and will not be divorced until the end of next summer. What I wanted to know was...are you the type of person that would hang in there with your marriage regardless of how bad it got just for the sake of your children? He's not. I wanted to know if he could ever envision himself leaving his marriage? He said that is a possibility depending on how things play out. There is still uncertainty but I feel like we are on the same page now. If both of us don't know beyond the shadow of a doubt that we want to be together before then, I think a hard decision will have to be made by the time my divorce is final.

 

So can I check that your husband knows it's totally over and your both free to date now that divorce is happening?

 

I think your affair could last several years , as you don't want to be without this guy, so a little of him is better than nothing. I think money will make him stay in the marriage as child and spousal support will be quite costly for him.

 

When and if his wife gets back to feeling sexy and wanting sex, he may decide to give his marriage a real go. Or if he continues neglecting her, she may also seek comfort in the arms of another man.

 

I remember how I felt doing all the work when our kids were infants. My H would play computer games go to the movies and just do his own thing. That really pissed me off, but if he was having an affair instead of helping out, I really would have gone ballistic and he would have suffered.

 

If he continues neglecting her and she has the same regard for their marriage, she may also seek comfort in the arms of another man. You'd be suprised how many SAHM have the time to cheat.

[Lois_Griffin]

Thank you for your advice and your compassion. He talks to me while they are all sleeping. She says that she has no desire for him and blames it on her birth control. After he has confronted her about it, why doesn't she talk to her doctor or switch to a different pill? She could at least acknowledge that he has needs and give in or focus on him sometimes instead of herself. I'm sorry but there were plenty of times I had sex with my husband because he wanted it, not because I did. He is being taken for granted. He is just not a priority to her right now. Maybe, she will wake up but the longer she doesn't the further they are growing apart.

Seriously???

 

This woman is a brood mare for God's sakes.

 

Maybe it's someone ELSE'S turn to take responsibility for contraception! It's bad enough she's gone through 3 pregnancies and now she's burdening her body on top of that with the pill. Is he really that freakin' selfish that he can't let this poor woman's body have a damned REST and he could use condoms????

 

How utterly selfish. And then he cheats on her because the pill she's forced to take - because he's too damned selfish to use condoms - has destroyed her libido. He's a prince amongst men, that one.

Edited September 2, 2015 by Lois_Griffin

[ladydesigner]

So can I check that your husband knows it's totally over and your both free to date now that divorce is happening?

 

I think your affair could last several years , as you don't want to be without this guy, so a little of him is better than nothing. I think money will make him stay in the marriage as child and spousal support will be quite costly for him.

 

When and if his wife gets back to feeling sexy and wanting sex, he may decide to give his marriage a real go. Or if he continues neglecting her, she may also seek comfort in the arms of another man.

 

I remember how I felt doing all the work when our kids were infants. My H would play computer games go to the movies and just do his own thing. That really pissed me off, but if he was having an affair instead of helping out, I really would have gone ballistic and he would have suffered.

 

If he continues neglecting her and she has the same regard for their marriage, she may also seek comfort in the arms of another man. You'd be suprised how many SAHM have the time to cheat.

 

If a Dday happens you can almost guarantee that if she wants to save the M and Hysterical Bonding starts then the unraveling of the A begins.

[Ms. Faust]

Thank you for your advice and your compassion. He talks to me while they are all sleeping. She says that she has no desire for him and blames it on her birth control. After he has confronted her about it, why doesn't she talk to her doctor or switch to a different pill? She could at least acknowledge that he has needs and give in or focus on him sometimes instead of herself. I'm sorry but there were plenty of times I had sex with my husband because he wanted it, not because I did. He is being taken for granted. He is just not a priority to her right now. Maybe, she will wake up but the longer she doesn't the further they are growing apart.

 

Maaan... this is just one of those situations that I would love to hear the wife's version of events...

[goodyblue]

Maaan... this is just one of those situations that I would love to hear the wife's version of events...

 

And I just feel bad about that. No matter what her views, he is still stepping out.. Whether she thinks he is perfect or hates him things willnever be the same.

[Reality1228]

You know what? I'm sorry I even posted this now. I was hurting and looking for some compassion. I think I unknowingly came to the wrong place. I apologize for getting all of you worked up as this thread has turned into something other than what I intended. I'm not going to post anything else and I would appreciate it if the rest of you didn't either. My sincerest apologies.

[eye of the storm]

You know what? I'm sorry I even posted this now. I was hurting and looking for some compassion. I think I unknowingly came to the wrong place. I apologize for getting all of you worked up as this thread has turned into something other than what I intended. I'm not going to post anything else and I would appreciate it if the rest of you didn't either. My sincerest apologies.

 

Ahhh the flounce and door slam.

 

Reality. Look, I'm am OW. I was a BS. I got into my A after my H left me. I got into my A because I was not thinking clearly, I was in pain, and I wanted someone...anyone to make me feel like I was desirable. But in the 5years we were together if my MM had ever talked about his W like yours talks about his I would have been horrified.

 

The thing you refuse to even consider is that he may be lying to you to suck you in, to keep you on the hook, and to make himself look like the victim. He is lying to her, the mother of his children, why do you think you are so special that he wouldn't lie to you?

 

When the MW my H left me for cheated on him and then dumped him, I laughed. He stopped crying and just looked at me. I told him that she cheated on her H with him, why did he think his d*** was so special that she wouldn't do it to him?

 

He lies. Why do you think he isn't lying to you?

[goodyblue]

One thing I got from this website was a thicker skin. People here can be cruel. I am sorry for that. I don't mean to come off that way and I do not judge you or your actions. I do feel sorry for his BS tho. That doesn't mean I can't appreciate what you are feeling, I do. I actually had horrible experiences when I first came to this forum. Now I just stick around to kind of be a buffer, but really, the more I try the more futile it seems.

 

Take what helps, leave the rest.

[Reality1228]

He's really not disrespectful about her. He just tells me what happens and I've posted my take on it. I know he loves her. I'm just jealous of any bond that is still there between them. I really wish this post did not exist. I love him. I'm more miserable after reading what you all have said to be honest. I'm torn apart. I think it's best if I refrain from reading anymore. Thank you to everyone who helped me in any way.

[Ms. Faust]

I am sorry you are hurt, but it does seem you are looking for validation more than anything. Please understand that this forum is a mix of betrayed spouses, affair partners and betrayed spouses who became affair partners. Of that group you will find vindicative BS', sympathetic BS', reformed OW and unrepentant OW. Because of the diverse group, the replies that you receive will be all over the spectrum.

 

That being said, the reason why most posters are so negative in this thread is because anyone who has lurked in the forum for half a day has seen this same, exact story played out a thousand times. From the way you met to what he tells you. Those who cheat on women who are pregnant or have newborn babies tend to be very noncommital and they string their OW along in the most painful of ways.

 

The ending is almost always the same.

 

Either which way, good luck to you.

Edited September 3, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[Dancewithme]

He's really not disrespectful about her. He just tells me what happens and I've posted my take on it. I know he loves her. I'm just jealous of any bond that is still there between them. I really wish this post did not exist. I love him. I'm more miserable after reading what you all have said to be honest. I'm torn apart. I think it's best if I refrain from reading anymore. Thank you to everyone who helped me in any way.

 

Reality, if you're still reading: I am sorry if I contributed to your hurt feelings in any way. I am so adamant in my opinions because yours is a tale as old as time. I am not trying to hurt you, but I will not sugar-coat the truth either. If what I have seen/experienced can help you in any way, and help you avoid the hurt that's sure to come, then I'd be inhumane not to share. Could it be that these postings have caused you to look at your A and MM a different way? Maybe that's why you are miserable and torn apart. Best of luck to you.

[m4p]

My dear, I really wish you will be able to see things from an objective view, take a step back and look at this situation again.

 

Nobody is trying to stop you from finding your happiness. What do we gain from it? Would you believe it if I told you that I came here more than 6 months ago, full of love and affection for my xMM, and ready to defend him at every chance I have?

 

Most of us have been through the exact same pain or even worse. I hope you don't take our comments as judgemental, but rather as genuine advice from people who really knows how it feels and hate to see you going down the same path.

 

It's okay if you stop replying, but I urge you to read through the OW and infidelity forum........ be it stories from 1 month ago or even 1 year ago, you will see the pattern. It is just the same ol' story played out over and over again, just with different people.

 

The hurt is real, the feelings is real. But reality is reality. There is no need to sugarcoat it.

 

If you are looking for LS to sugarcoat things and give you hope in a seemingly hopeless situation, then you have came to wrong place.

 

I wish you strength and just know that if you come back here again with your heart broken, I strongly believe that nobody will say "I told you so". We all knows how it feels. Good luck.

[Got it]

Reality, I am sorry for the pain you are feeling and for some of the insulting comments you have received. Some can not offer the level of empathy when a tough comment is needed to make sure it comes across in an accepting way.

 

Take care of you, journal, and just be your own best advocate. Wishing you all the best.

[gettingstronger]

JMO- you put yourself in a vulnerable position by letting him know how nuts you are about him and how you are willing to take just about anything he gives you- from his actions, its clear he is OK with taking advantage of the vulnerabilities in others (wife with new baby, etc..)

 

You would probably serve yourself well not to expose your weak side to this man. If you want more- ask for it without apology or excuse-