15 year anniversary tomorrow and...

[TrustedthenBusted]

We've both been super busy lately, and haven't really planned anything special. WE've talked about it a bit over the last few weeks, but...meh... anniversaries haven't been that special for a number of years.

 

So...to the story.

 

Last night, I again asked her if she had any sort of gift in mind that she'd like. She talked about how 15 years is sort of a "big" one, and she had been eyeballing this super expensive watch. I said "well then you should have it." And I offered to go and pick it up, or go with her to pick it out, in case she found a different one she liked better.

 

Now, we're talking Cartier watch here, so this is no trinket. The one she wants in the 5 figure range. But we do ok, and this is not really an issue. That said, when I saw the price I did say " Wow! Not a cheap gadget is it!? "

 

And this is where it gets hairy.

 

Her response was " Well Maria got a 3-diamond somethingorother bracelet, and that was for her 10th! And I didn't really get anything for my 10th."

 

 

And then it happened. I went from calm loving guy to seriously pissed off BS in an instant and said " You know what I got for our 10th? Lies to my face about the guy you were banging at work."

 

Haven't said a word to eachother since.

 

Of course it's the next day and I'm no longer upset about it per se. And I don't really care to ruin our anniversary. But just the thought that she must have FORGOTTEN how awful our 10th anniversary was due to it taking place in that F'd up year after D-Day is disheartening.

 

On the one hand, I'm sort of glad we've put it so far into the past that it wasn't top of mind. ( wouldn't have been for me either, minus the "I didn't get" comment ) But on the other hand, I would think that celebrating an anniversary of ANY KIND post D-Day would elicit a quiet thankfulness that we are still together....not some weird sense of entitlement to an expensive gift.

 

To me, this is only our 5 year anniversary. Maybe I should get her whatever little trinket you get for 5 years. lol.

[qubist]

Wow, you got triggered bad, didn't you? she must have completely forgoten, which is IMO not necessary a bad thing, only you know her enough to determin her intentions, I just can't see it meant to hurt you considering the occasion

sorry man, and Happy anniversary!!

[jbrent890]

I could definitely see why you would feel that this is a five year anniversary for you guys. If I remember correctly (and I'm not trying to demean you wife), she cheated before and throughout your marriage, so I can definitely see why you feel that this is the fifth years of you two being true to one another. In all honesty, I think this is a situation where she opened her mouth before thinking. She probably realized how messed up that comment was as soon as she said it. I think you know better than anyone that nothing is going to get resolved unless you guys communicate with one another. My guess, she is probably a little embarrassed and scared to communicate right now. Just approach her openly and let her know how you truly feel now. Your situation was never going to be easy, but I think you have done great so far.

[Mr. Lucky]

And then it happened. I went from calm loving guy to seriously pissed off BS in an instant and said " You know what I got for our 10th? Lies to my face about the guy you were banging at work."

 

Haven't said a word to each other since.

 

I'm probably in the BS minority here, but my feeling is this:

 

If you're going to stay post DDay AND if your WS has done all the right things in recovery (both big "if"s), you give up the right 5 years down the road to still place everything in the context of the affair.

 

While I understand how the thought might pop into your head, forgiveness means passing on the opportunity to speak it aloud.

 

Whether the watch is an appropriate gift is a separate discussion. But to me, any hurt caused by your comment is on you. While we may not always be in complete control of our emotions, consideration requires we govern how they're expressed...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RecentChange]

Yikes - cheated AND wants expensive gifts?

 

Well, I am not married, but I am in a long term relationship (this will be 15 years for us next month as well) - and I don't understand expensive gift giving.

 

Not for birthdays, or anniversary etc. What is she getting YOU? Or is a couple grand on a watch a prize for being a good wifey?

 

We go on trips, or do other mutually enjoyable things (like couples massages and hot tub) instead of "gifts" - for mile stone days. And the rest of the year, if one of really wants something - we tend to surprise the other with it.

 

But any way, yeah I could see how that would be a huge trigger. He cheated our 9th year together - I don't really recall what we did for 10 year (would have been 5 months after D day) - I certainly didn't buy him a prize! But I am sure we had a nice dinner or something like that...

[nightmare01]

14 years past Dday for me and WW. We're still together and doing really fine.

 

But.

 

Her LTA is still there. It's a part of our past. I can't say for certain what she feels about it - she claims she never thinks of it.. but there is still resentment within me, and I think it will always be there.

 

Maybe for some of us BS's it will always be that way. It's there - like an old scar that covers an ancient wound that aches when it's cold and damp outside. It's mostly unthought of, but when something triggers it it shows up saying "remember me?".

 

IMO you are not at fault here. Your WW needs to be more sensitive and realize that just because she is "over it" you may not be, and show some empathy when those times happen.

 

Frankly I think what you said was completely understandable.

[ch72]

I'm probably in the BS minority here, but my feeling is this:

 

If you're going to stay post DDay AND if your WS has done all the right things in recovery (both big "if"s), you give up the right 5 years down the road to still place everything in the context of the affair.

 

While I understand how the thought might pop into your head, forgiveness means passing on the opportunity to speak it aloud.

 

Whether the watch is an appropriate gift is a separate discussion. But to me, any hurt caused by your comment is on you. While we may not always be in complete control of our emotions, consideration requires we govern how they're expressed...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well, it didn't help that OPs wife stated that her friend got XX on her 10th year and then threw it in OPs face that he didn't give her crap while she was banging the crap out of the OM.

 

I would have been pissed too. Oh btw, XX friend gave them this on their xx anniversary and you didn't give me anything :(:(:(

 

WTF, how about I give you a $100k diamond ring to celebrate you banging someone else....

 

Maybe she took his joking around (which is never a good idea anyways when you're tying to buy women a gift) the wrong way but to throw that in his face. I would have not bought her anything for the 15th year at all.

 

I would apologize for the ill timed joke, but she should apologize for throwing egg on his face when she knew damn well why she didn't get anything on her 10th anniversary.

 

Forgiveness is one thing, being made to look like a chump when she knew well enough why she got nothing for their 10th anniversary is another.

 

Actually she did get a 10th year anniversary gift. HE STAYED WITH HER CHEATING BLEEP.

[nightmare01]

One more thing.

 

In a sense I feel my marriage ended when she crawled into bed with her OM. So I don't like to celebrate anniversaries. My WW wants to do something for them, so what we do is go out to dinner and give each other a card.

 

Like you, we're doing pretty ok financially. So when either of us wants something expensive, we just go out and buy it ourselves.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I'm probably in the BS minority here, but my feeling is this:

 

If you're going to stay post DDay AND if your WS has done all the right things in recovery (both big "if"s), you give up the right 5 years down the road to still place everything in the context of the affair.

 

While I understand how the thought might pop into your head, forgiveness means passing on the opportunity to speak it aloud.

 

Whether the watch is an appropriate gift is a separate discussion. But to me, any hurt caused by your comment is on you. While we may not always be in complete control of our emotions, consideration requires we govern how they're expressed...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I actually agree with you on all of it. I chose to stay and work it out, and the reality of it all is that we HAVE been married for 15 years, and despite what has taken place at times throughout. The remaining good years DID happen, and we did say together through them all.

 

I also agree with forgiveness being tied to not holding her past actions over her head. Believe me, this is a gift I give her several times a week when I COULD say something, but don't. I give this gift to BOTH of us, actually, as I don't want to live in the past any more than I want to try to make her live in it.

 

But on this one, I snapped.

 

I think he earlier posters were right, and she just said it without thinking about it. I believe that with 90% of my being. But the other 10% wonders if she really has compartmentalized all the pain she caused to such an extent that the whole timeline is blurred. This is unfair to me, as I'm not able to do that.

 

At some point today, I will apologize for the outburst, but I fully expect an apology for her being insensitive to what has been a big trigger for us in the past.

 

I guess I'm just sad. I would have much preferred to celebrate 15 years of us keeping the vows we took. Not 15 years of mostly keeping to some of them.

[qubist]

I actually agree with you on all of it. I chose to stay and work it out, and the reality of it all is that we HAVE been married for 15 years, and despite what has taken place at times throughout. The remaining good years DID happen, and we did say together through them all.

 

I also agree with forgiveness being tied to not holding her past actions over her head. Believe me, this is a gift I give her several times a week when I COULD say something, but don't. I give this gift to BOTH of us, actually, as I don't want to live in the past any more than I want to try to make her live in it.

 

But on this one, I snapped.

 

I think he earlier posters were right, and she just said it without thinking about it. I believe that with 90% of my being. But the other 10% wonders if she really has compartmentalized all the pain she caused to such an extent that the whole timeline is blurred. This is unfair to me, as I'm not able to do that.

 

At some point today, I will apologize for the outburst, but I fully expect an apology for her being insensitive to what has been a big trigger for us in the past.

 

I guess I'm just sad. I would have much preferred to celebrate 15 years of us keeping the vows we took. Not 15 years of mostly keeping to some of them.

you are both just human, just make sure she understand what triggers are so she will be lot more careful,

this really shows how good you are, you willingness to apologize shows that you understand that A hurts her too.

BTW you did give her a nice gift for the 10th aniversarrry it was FORGIVENESS which is lot more valuable than any diamond ring

[TrustedthenBusted]

Yikes - cheated AND wants expensive gifts?

 

 

Take the cheating out of it, and this gift is totally in line with her tastes, her style, our budget etc.

 

And I'm no sugar daddy. She does very very well on her own, and can buy this kind of stuff herself if she wants to.

 

But she is pretty conscientious when it comes to spending money, and for things this expensive, she really needs to tie them to an occasion in order to justify them to herself. If that makes sense.

 

I happen to do the same thing...but with motorcycles.

 

Point being, I cannot punish her for something I've forgiven. IN fact, after D-Day I went on a pretty reckless spending spree and practically DARED her to say something about it.

 

There are likely a few painful reminders for her still sitting in the garage today.

[Got it]

I think the missed opportunity was her not proactively showing you what she is appreciative of on your anniversary. The watch isn't the issue as this may be the norm for you two. But it seemed very one sided and very shallow. Isn't/shouldn't the day be about reflection and appreciation and not "checking the box" on a gift to represent it?

 

The "well Susie got this!" argument would have shot me through the roof as well and really shows a lack of focus on what the day means.

 

Sorry, but I think she should apologize first on this one.

[Grapesofwrath]

Affair or no, it sounds like your WW lacks a certain understanding of the sentiment behind gifts. They are gifts, to be given and received in the spirit of gratitude and delight. One is not owed a 5-figure watch for simply staying married for 15 years, nor is it a contest to see who gets the most expensive gift.

 

You sound like a very generous man. I hope she appreciates that about you.

[Try]

If you're going to stay post DDay AND if your WS has done all the right things in recovery (both big "if"s), you give up the right 5 years down the road to still place everything in the context of the affair.

Sorry but that sounds too much like rug sweeping. Also, he was not placing "everything in the context of the affair". She was the one that brought up the time frame of the affair, not him. Additionally, he gave her the biggest gift possible for their 10th, a second chance; what she said makes it sound like she did not appreciate that fact.

 

@OP: Your response was normal, and the fact that you were ready to move on the next day is healthy.

[ladydesigner]

I think the missed opportunity was her not proactively showing you what she is appreciative of on your anniversary. The watch isn't the issue as this may be the norm for you two. But it seemed very one sided and very shallow. Isn't/shouldn't the day be about reflection and appreciation and not "checking the box" on a gift to represent it?

 

The "well Susie got this!" argument would have shot me through the roof as well and really shows a lack of focus on what the day means.

 

Sorry, but I think she should apologize first on this one.

 

Yes I agree with this. The argument she made sounds very immature too.

 

You had every reason to trigger after that. I would have too!

 

Honestly I think WS's are lucky if the anniversary is even being celebrated by the BS because a lot of us don't care to anymore

 

Btw we celebrated our 14th this year and I received nothing from my WS and I'm the one who actually got him a nice watch I won't be doing that again!

[TrustedthenBusted]

Affair or no, it sounds like your WW lacks a certain understanding of the sentiment behind gifts. They are gifts, to be given and received in the spirit of gratitude and delight. One is not owed a 5-figure watch for simply staying married for 15 years, nor is it a contest to see who gets the most expensive gift.

 

You sound like a very generous man. I hope she appreciates that about you.

 

To be fair, I'm not very good about giving gifts. Especially to her because we are SO different when it comes to the things we'd like to receive.

 

Every so often I buy her some piece of jewelry that is totally out of style, and she buys me some tool I already have three of, lol. We say thank you, and then quietly return it. hahahaha.

 

We try... but we're no good at it. So we generally takes occasions like this to justify going and getting something we KNOW we will like.

 

I really don't care if this is the excuse she uses to go buy a nice watch. My only real issue was how easily she seemed to forget how bad the last big milestone was.

[Welsh15]

My 30th anniversary was last year, just less than a year from D-day. I did not even bother with an anniversary card. Dday+2 years just passed last week. I was not in a good mood for most of the week. Just the way it is for me. She is happy that we are even still together, having had a 3-year affair with POS OM, 2 years of it EA and 1-year PA. As far as I am concerned, our marriage started over and we are on year 2 now. My WW knows that is how I think and accepts that. Pretty sad.

[waterwoman]

"Her response was " Well Maria got a 3-diamond somethingorother bracelet, and that was for her 10th! And I didn't really get anything for my 10th."

 

Regardless of the affair, the above would have annoyed me no end. So greedy.

 

And it isn't 'my' 10th. It's OUR 10th, That's kind of the whole point isn;t it?

[Grapesofwrath]

To be fair, I'm not very good about giving gifts. Especially to her because we are SO different when it comes to the things we'd like to receive.

 

Every so often I buy her some piece of jewelry that is totally out of style, and she buys me some tool I already have three of, lol. We say thank you, and then quietly return it. hahahaha.

 

We try... but we're no good at it. So we generally takes occasions like this to justify going and getting something we KNOW we will like.

 

I really don't care if this is the excuse she uses to go buy a nice watch. My only real issue was how easily she seemed to forget how bad the last big milestone was.

 

It sounds like you have forgiven her and moved past it, which is laudable. (not sure I could do the same thing, frankly, but I don't know your story and I'm not living your life.) I can appreciate why you feel the way you do about your last anniversary. Maybe that is the lesson here...even after years go by, it's forgiven but not forgotten.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I did not even bother with an anniversary card.

 

 

Well good for you, because if you DO ever get around to buying cards again, you'll find it's damn near IMPOSSIBLE to find one that doesn't make your eyes roll when you read it.

 

Someone needs to come out with an anniversary card that says " Today is a reminder that I screwed up totally, and I don't deserve you. Now let's have sex."

[Mr. Lucky]

Sorry but that sounds too much like rug sweeping. Also, he was not placing "everything in the context of the affair". She was the one that brought up the time frame of the affair, not him. Additionally, he gave her the biggest gift possible for their 10th, a second chance; what she said makes it sound like she did not appreciate that fact.

 

Not sure how your post relating everything back to the her infidelity supports your idea that 'he was not placing "everything in the context of the affair"'. What she brought up was their 10th anniversary, no more and no less.

 

Look I get it, have been there myself. I didn't stay but doesn't lessen my admiration for folks like the OP who chose to recommit and recover. Were that my choice, like to think I'd choose to emphasis the bond rather than the split. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TrustedthenBusted]

"Her response was " Well Maria got a 3-diamond somethingorother bracelet, and that was for her 10th! And I didn't really get anything for my 10th."

 

Regardless of the affair, the above would have annoyed me no end. So greedy.

 

And it isn't 'my' 10th. It's OUR 10th, That's kind of the whole point isn;t it?

 

Well there is no getting around the fact that this anniversary will revolve somewhat around a nice gift for her. To me, I think this really is ok to an extent. Sort of like how weddings really revolve around the bride and her needs. Getting her dress was a 12 month ordeal.... my tux was a rental.

 

But I've been replaying the whole scenario in my head, and I think what path she was actually going down was one that helped her justify such an expensive want. She wasn't exactly saying that "maria got something nice so I want something" as she really isn't like that.

 

But I think she was justifying to herself ( let's be honest...its her money too ) that her friends are using anniversaries to get pick up bling, and that she has never really done that before.

 

The way she said it, that I am now playing back in my mind, really was more along those lines, and I think I blew up.

 

I still think she needs to be sensitive around the topic of prior anniversaries, and needs to make sure that if we are going to celebrate them, we do so in a way that recognizes them for what they really are, and not just the version of it people put on Facebook.

[qubist]

Well there is no getting around the fact that this anniversary will revolve somewhat around a nice gift for her. To me, I think this really is ok to an extent. Sort of like how weddings really revolve around the bride and her needs. Getting her dress was a 12 month ordeal.... my tux was a rental.

 

But I've been replaying the whole scenario in my head, and I think what path she was actually going down was one that helped her justify such an expensive want. She wasn't exactly saying that "maria got something nice so I want something" as she really isn't like that.

 

But I think she was justifying to herself ( let's be honest...its her money too ) that her friends are using anniversaries to get pick up bling, and that she has never really done that before.

 

The way she said it, that I am now playing back in my mind, really was more along those lines, and I think I blew up.

 

I still think she needs to be sensitive around the topic of prior anniversaries, and needs to make sure that if we are going to celebrate them, we do so in a way that recognizes them for what they really are, and not just the version of it people put on Facebook.

yes you both made a mistake but this shouldn't be a big deal, remember you overcame something much bigger.

you blew it but you were also triggered. I hope she understand that. you mentioned earlier that you would apologize to her, when you do make sure you explain to her what triggers are and how they affect you.

good luck

[understand50]

Well there is no getting around the fact that this anniversary will revolve somewhat around a nice gift for her. To me, I think this really is ok to an extent. Sort of like how weddings really revolve around the bride and her needs. Getting her dress was a 12 month ordeal.... my tux was a rental.

 

But I've been replaying the whole scenario in my head, and I think what path she was actually going down was one that helped her justify such an expensive want. She wasn't exactly saying that "maria got something nice so I want something" as she really isn't like that.

 

But I think she was justifying to herself ( let's be honest...its her money too ) that her friends are using anniversaries to get pick up bling, and that she has never really done that before.

 

The way she said it, that I am now playing back in my mind, really was more along those lines, and I think I blew up.

 

I still think she needs to be sensitive around the topic of prior anniversaries, and needs to make sure that if we are going to celebrate them, we do so in a way that recognizes them for what they really are, and not just the version of it people put on Facebook.

 

TrustedthenBusted,

 

Myself, I think you over reacted. At some point bringing up the affair, is just piling on. One of the things my wife and I agreed to, was that I would not bring up her infidelity for different issues or when fighting. In other words, I would fight fair, about things going on at the time. On the whole this has worked well for us. If we do forgive, at some point we need to not remind or use it against them. I am sure you do not and did not mean this. You, of course, know more then me about your wife and relationship, so take this with all salt you think it may need.

 

You seem to be "triggering" more lately, do you you think that is so? and if so, why? I can understand your reactions, if had been me, I just would not have brought up the affair. Or, I would have pointed out, that number 10 was not a good one for me.

 

Oh, well,

 

My two cents, and of course, I wish you and yours luck.

[Furious]

We've both been super busy lately, and haven't really planned anything special. WE've talked about it a bit over the last few weeks, but...meh... anniversaries haven't been that special for a number of years.

 

So...to the story.

 

Last night, I again asked her if she had any sort of gift in mind that she'd like. She talked about how 15 years is sort of a "big" one, and she had been eyeballing this super expensive watch. I said "well then you should have it." And I offered to go and pick it up, or go with her to pick it out, in case she found a different one she liked better.

 

Now, we're talking Cartier watch here, so this is no trinket. The one she wants in the 5 figure range. But we do ok, and this is not really an issue. That said, when I saw the price I did say " Wow! Not a cheap gadget is it!? "

 

And this is where it gets hairy.

 

Her response was " Well Maria got a 3-diamond somethingorother bracelet, and that was for her 10th! And I didn't really get anything for my 10th."

 

 

And then it happened. I went from calm loving guy to seriously pissed off BS in an instant and said " You know what I got for our 10th? Lies to my face about the guy you were banging at work."

 

Haven't said a word to eachother since.

 

Of course it's the next day and I'm no longer upset about it per se. And I don't really care to ruin our anniversary. But just the thought that she must have FORGOTTEN how awful our 10th anniversary was due to it taking place in that F'd up year after D-Day is disheartening.

 

On the one hand, I'm sort of glad we've put it so far into the past that it wasn't top of mind. ( wouldn't have been for me either, minus the "I didn't get" comment ) But on the other hand, I would think that celebrating an anniversary of ANY KIND post D-Day would elicit a quiet thankfulness that we are still together....not some weird sense of entitlement to an expensive gift.

 

To me, this is only our 5 year anniversary. Maybe I should get her whatever little trinket you get for 5 years. lol.

 

 

Reading between the lines you're really hurt, and it's not about gifts but the insensitive and shallow attitude your wife expressed, especially her pouty "Maria got blah blah diamonds on her 10th, knowing that on your 10th she was cheating on you.

 

I think if she had said let's go away for a weekend and get massages, take long walks and warms baths together it would be the best anniversary gift for both of us, it would be more meaningful and build a stronger bond between you.

 

If she is smart and regrets her insensitive response she'd ditch getting that watch, because it will be a trigger for you.