autumnnight Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 That's because you could probably care less as to why she said what she did and where her mindset was. Like I said, there is no depth in saying "pouty teenager" and moving on. People sound like a lot of things. But she wasn't being a pouty teenager. That is where the judgements against her are wrong. And thabkfully the OP doesn't seem to be the judgy time. When I was in my funk because I felt rejected sexually by my husband. I was looking at it from my persepctive, how it looked and felt to me. But the truth of the situation was far more than how it looked or sounded. I was being shallow and making it all about me. And while it was a very legit problem, a little insight on my part would have went a long way. Thinking and judging someone by something because of how it sounds to you doesn't usually help the situation. And yet that is what everyone on forums does. They view things through their lens and their experiences and their beliefs. Honestly, erven when I disagree with someone, I am just thankful that more than one opinion is allowed. There's no denying that focusing on the cost of the gift and comparing money spent is going to seem very...shallow to 95% of the regular population. I cringed too. The issue here is not whether the statement was petty. Even the wife agreed it came out wrong and sounded bad. The issue here is this underlying belief that some have that since she cheated, she just ought to be glad he lets her breathe the same oxygen he does, and she needs to go back to her corner, polish her scarlet A, and stop complaining. Thankfully, the OP doesn't seem to share that opinion. That is probably why they actually seem to be in a loving marriage and recovering. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustedthenBusted Posted September 9, 2015 Author Share Posted September 9, 2015 The issue here is this underlying belief that some have that since she cheated, she just ought to be glad he lets her breathe the same oxygen he does, and she needs to go back to her corner, polish her scarlet A, and stop complaining. This. You know, for awhile after D-Day I became a full on Stage IV Internet Detective. I put all of my technical skill to use tracking my wife's movements, computer usage, private conversations, personal relationships, instant messages etc... You name it, and my 24 hour surveillance would have caught it. And then one day I realized how I was living my life, and I stopped. I simply didn't want to live like that. That is no kind of life. I haven't checked on her in any way since. Not one. Same goes for treating my wife like some criminal that is beyond rehabilitation. I could easily make her repent mercilessly each day for as long as she would stand it. I could use every opportunity to turn an average day into my own pity party. I could use her past against her to get what I want today. And I could expect, at least for a while, her to treat me far better than I treat her in some irrational attempt to level the playing field. But I simply don't want to live like that. That is no kind of life. If I was in her shoes, I certainly wouldn't stay in a relationship like that. At least not after I felt I had paid my dues and proved that I feel like it was as big a mistake as my spouse does. As I've proven, I don't always get it right, and neither does she. But in the end, I have to ask myself, as does she....who do I want to be with? As long as the answer to that is "eachother" then we'll keep working through these things. That's the hard part for the Anti-R crowd to get. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Horton Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 That's because you could probably care less as to why she said what she did and where her mindset was. Like I said, there is no depth in saying "pouty teenager" and moving on. People sound like a lot of things. But she wasn't being a pouty teenager. That is where the judgements against her are wrong. And thabkfully the OP doesn't seem to be the judgy time. When I was in my funk because I felt rejected sexually by my husband. I was looking at it from my persepctive, how it looked and felt to me. But the truth of the situation was far more than how it looked or sounded. I was being shallow and making it all about me. And while it was a very legit problem, a little insight on my part would have went a long way. Thinking and judging someone by something because of how it sounds to you doesn't usually help the situation. I'm judgmental for having an honest reaction to her words? The same exact reaction at least a dozen other posters had? All i did was comment on her attitude in this one particular situation as spelled out by the OP. I didn't say she was a bad person or that she deserves to be divorced and left destitute. My comment even echoed OP's wife's own disgust at her words. I'm starting to think that you have some kind of problem with me due to some other post somewhere that you didn't approve of, since I'm the only person your giving this chiding to out of several others who essentially said the same exact thing. Either that or you just wanna argue with somebody. Regardless, I don't think you're the right person to be lecturing posters about not being 'understanding' of other peoples situations, considering the fact that I recall you accusing this same OP of using a 'get out of jail free card' to absolve himself of personal responsibility for his actions in regards to his marriage. The issue here is not whether the statement was petty. Even the wife agreed it came out wrong and sounded bad. The issue here is this underlying belief that some have that since she cheated, she just ought to be glad he lets her breathe the same oxygen he does, and she needs to go back to her corner, polish her scarlet A, and stop complaining. Thankfully, the OP doesn't seem to share that opinion. That is probably why they actually seem to be in a loving marriage and recovering. Agreed, and let me just clarify that I don't share that opinion either, which is why I said in my initial post that even if there were no adultery in their marriage I would still find her comments about 'so and so got ___ for HER anniversary' to be obnoxious. If the OP no longer feels that way then it's all water under the bridge. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 I would also add to autumn's post two other reasons. The first is guilt of those who did not choose reconciliation but divorce. Ending a marriage is rarely easy. Even if you have a very good reason to do so. Seeing other people succesfully do so adds to that niggling guilt. I agree with this because most of the men who didn't try to R or gave up on it early and divorced stop posting here after a few months. Early on when those men do post they very rarely have guilt or think they did the wrong thing. On the contrary, they agree that their choice was what was right for them and that recovering from infidelity is a long, painful process whether you R or D. Those men would not be uncomfortable reading post about a couple who successfully R'd. And the other reason is the people who for the above reason or hope's reason or their own reason don't want to believe true R happens. And so stories that go against their belief system make them uncomfortable. I also agree with this but would add that any BS/WS who is uncomfortable reading or hearing about a couple who successfully reconciled after infidelity is pretty broken to begin with. It's not easy to become a pragmatist and be able to honestly see things from other perspectives. But passing judgement on another person's choice in a situation like this is remarkably immature. I believe that "true" reconciliation is rare for a BH to achieve when the sexual component of her cheating is the thing killing him. But, of course, I'm sure there are men who can do it which is why I say rare and not impossible. But I am never uncomfortable reading or hearing about a man who reconciled with his WW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustedthenBusted Posted September 9, 2015 Author Share Posted September 9, 2015 I believe that "true" reconciliation is rare for a BH to achieve when the sexual component of her cheating is the thing killing him. But, of course, I'm sure there are men who can do it which is why I say rare and not impossible. But I am never uncomfortable reading or hearing about a man who reconciled with his WW. Everyone's situation is different, and I have read about some affairs that I know I could not get past. Because the sexual component of my wife's affair was not very good, and I have proof that she wasn't into it and was very uncomfortable with it... I was able to see the affair for what it was, and what it REALLY meant to her. Outside of that, I hear you completely. Some of the stuff I've read on here is WAY beyond what I know I could live with. And I've said it before, if we didn't have children, I don't think I would have tried for as long as I did. Now, I'm glad that was the reason I kept going at the time... But it's not anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustedthenBusted Posted September 9, 2015 Author Share Posted September 9, 2015 Oh I read the whole thing before I posted OP, I still think she came across like a pouting teenager, which was my only point. I simply agreed with her own assessment of her words that you posted after you spoke to her about it. My bad then. And you're right. At face value, it does sound like that. Especially when written out like it was. no harm, no foul. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Give your wife a hug Link to post Share on other sites
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