daisymay Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Hi All I really need some advise. About 12 years ago I was seeing a guy, I was a bit wild back then but I genuinely liked him. Things died down, and next I heard he was having a baby with a girl he had been seeing for a while. We met up for a coffee about 3 years later, when I was pregnant with my first, his girlfriend now wife was expecting his second with his second. Nothing happened. I also heard he was getting married two years ago I sent him a message wishing them well. In April this year we go in touch, turns out he now live a few streets apart. We started emailing at work, it was innocent honestly, as she didn't want him to have contact with me or any women apparently. She doesn't know we dated. She had a baby in March too We agreed to meet up a few weeks later in May then we were meeting up for a drink a few times week. There was a spark still and I fell for him. My relationship ended earlier this year after, we planned a night in a hotel beginning of July. I know it was wrong and I feel so ashamed writing I really do. We're into touch all day Monday-Friday and if possible weekends. We have been intimate on 5 separate occasions He has told his sister and mom about us, showed them photo's of me and his closest friends. His marriage is not good his sister has become a friend to me and honesty his wife is not nice, she's lazy - really lazy, abusive towards him infront of their children. this family say she has trapped him he didn't want the 3rd child but of course he wouldn't change her now. doesn't like him seeing his family, she lies about spending his money. I have met his children too as his friend, we 'bumped' into each other. I have tried to break away I have, he even once got his kids to knock on my door and I had to take mine down the park when were having no contact! We had a wonderful afternoon. I have asked him what he is going to do and he said he will go, then he doesn't know if he can be away from the baby and have her grow up without him. I said he can have them as much as he wants. He had a chance to go a few weeks ago and didn't he said it's not the right time. He say's he wants to me with me and his sister said he does love me and he needs to grow a pair basically and he will sooner or later. But then last him I saw him he said how much he loves me wants to be with me then if he does go he won't tell me in case he goes back to his wife. For me though the uncertainly is hell. I have told him he has until October, is this right or wrong? Should I run now? Am I being played? Surely if he loved me, he would be gone or am I expecting too much to soon? Link to post Share on other sites
TerraIncognita Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 You gave him an ultimatum- he has until October to decide something. I say, stick to it. If you run now, you'll torture yourself with what ifs. If you wait another month, you will know for sure he is not ready to change his situation, then you bail. Just don't believe the "I don't want to ruin the holidays for the family" drivel he will undoubtedly offer you. There will be a plethora of excuses why not now. Don't believe any of it. Bail. You will only be wasting your life at that point. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Let's see... Old love reconnected Kids involved Using kids to hang out with each other The wife sucks, MM is the victim MM on the fence due to kids and "can't be away" from his babies Ultimatum given by OW Do YOU think that sounds different? My question is, October is just a month away... if he is going to leave why not leave now? What happens in October that is going to make him prepared to leave Wifey? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amomwhoknows Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Why do you think he could see his kids as much as he wants? In some states, there are no custody plans for babies, and then slowly graduated ones up until age 3. How do you know he is telling you anything truthful about his wife and current situation? You have given him a deadline -- see how that goes. I am guessing this will be like all the others -- but you never know. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 We met up for a coffee about 3 years later, when I was pregnant with my first, his girlfriend now wife was expecting his second with his second. Nothing happened. Are you married with children too? If you're still married (since you did mention that you were pregnant) where does your husband fit into this? You're putting demands on a guy whom you really don't 'know' anymore and hasn't been in your daily life, when it seems you have a husband and family of your own! Please, knowing full well he's married and has children, back off and let them be. Focus on your own life and (if you're still married) reconnect with your husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisymay Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 No I'm not married my relationship ended last year. We're not in the States plus she goes out drinking a lot. So custody should be fair. I haven given him till the end of October as I'm on holiday for a month. So he will have time without me and find out what he wants I hope. I'm curious if other OW AP has told their moms, sisters and friends too? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Maybe he does want to be with you, but that doesn't mean he will. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I'm curious if other OW AP has told their moms, sisters and friends too? I have read stories of many MM who told their friends and/or family about the OW, but it's always in a "she's just a friend" capacity. Sometimes they even tell the wife. Even my xMM told his friends about me and I have reason to believe he told his wife too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisymay Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 hiI have read stories of many MM who told their friends and/or family about the OW, but it's always in a "she's just a friend" capacity. Sometimes they even tell the wife. Even my xMM told his friends about me and I have reason to believe he told his wife too. They know that he is in love with me and he's been seeing me, his sister said he is smitten but he is a coward who knows no better and his mom agrees. I've ended it with him today though has I asked him how things have been at home and he said she's being better and he doesn't know when the right time will be. He said he can't give me false hope so I have took that as he doesn't want to go really anymore. He said he meant everything he said at the time and that he loves me but again can't see him going anytime soon. He turned up at my house tonight and kept hugging me which just made me cry more. Should I just ignore/block him now? Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I just feel sorry for all the kids... what a mess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisymay Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 I just feel sorry for all the kids... what a mess. My children are not involved they've meet him twice once was his own doing. Getting his children to knock my door. Which I told him never to encourage again. He's children see them fighting his son was crying asking him to stay after she threatened to kick him out. Which he says is why he can't go. I don't know if it's true if it was that bad you wouldn't keep putting your children through it. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 (edited) Surely if he loved me, he would be gone or am I expecting too much to soon? What about his CHILDREN? Would be be "gone" from them? Are you asking him to choose YOU over his children? You say he can have them as much as he wants - what about mom? Does she have a say if YOU are going to be in her children's lives? I have asked him what he is going to do and he said he will go, then he doesn't know if he can be away from the baby and have her grow up without him. Okay - sounds like you are. What if he asked the same? You know, why don't you just pawn your kids off on their father and go live happily ever after with this man who cheated on the mother of his children? Look - I always point out that people on this forum bring their own experiences when they offer advice. I came from a "broken home" - mom had her string of boy friends in and out. Luckily my dad kept it mostly under wraps (but us kids were still aware of the various ladies he was seeing)..... For the KIDS, all of this turmoil. All of this love / affairs / fights and DRAMA just isn't fair. Its really really unfair. How about you both just concentrate on being the best PARENTS you can for your own kids and chill out on the new romances? Where are your priorities? Edited September 1, 2015 by RecentChange Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisymay Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 What about his CHILDREN? Would be be "gone" from them? Are you asking him to choose YOU over his children? You say he can have them as much as he wants - what about mom? Does she have a say if YOU are going to be in her children's lives? Okay - sounds like you are. What if he asked the same? You know, why don't you just pawn your kids off on their father and go live happily ever after with this man who cheated on the mother of his children? Look - I always point out that people on this forum bring their own experiences when they offer advice. I came from a "broken home" - mom had her string of boy friends in and out. Luckily my dad kept it mostly under wraps (but us kids were still aware of the various ladies he was seeing)..... For the KIDS, all of this turmoil. All of this love / affairs / fights and DRAMA just isn't fair. Its really really unfair. How about you both just concentrate on being the best PARENTS you can for your own kids and chill out on the new romances? Where are your priorities? When I said as much as he wanted as in I would support him as much as I could. I'm not asking him to choose at all. But I won't be a bit on the side, I was under the impression he was leaving as he said so but claims he doesn't know when so it doesn't matter anymore. I'm just going to ignore him Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I would ignore and block him. Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Where is your husband in all this? Or are you single? You mentioned you have children, so I'm curious. Link to post Share on other sites
wanderingxsoulz Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Just ignore him and save yourself the mental torture. Talk is cheap. If he really wanted to be with you, if it was really meant to be, he would be. That's what I tell myself and it helps. Been NC with my MM for slightly over two months and he hasn't tried to contact me even once. I see clearly and know where I stand now. So in a way, I should thank him for making it easy for me. Some things are just not worth fighting for... let go now and hurt less. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 In April this year we go in touch, turns out he now live a few streets apart. We started emailing at work, it was innocent honestly, as she didn't want him to have contact with me or any women apparently. She doesn't know we dated. She had a baby in March too We agreed to meet up a few weeks later in May then we were meeting up for a drink a few times week. There was a spark still and I fell for him. My relationship ended earlier this year after, we planned a night in a hotel beginning of July. I know it was wrong and I feel so ashamed writing I really do. We're into touch all day Monday-Friday and if possible weekends. We have been intimate on 5 separate occasions Very common scenario. Wife pregnant - little or no sex by the end of the pregnancy. Baby arrives, man feels neglected, out of touch, no intimacy, baby demanding all attention, tiredness, irritability, no sex. Looks around and there you were. It's fantastic, you are just so wonderful, so unlike my wife, so sexy, so beautiful. Will definitely leave my wife, it is hell for me, believe me... Few months down the line, sex with wife has resumed, baby cuter, life not so bad. Leave? Oh yes sometime, not really the best time but soon maybe. Definitely leaving. Waffle, waffle, waffle. I do love you, but its the kids... More waffle, waffle, waffle. Please don't leave, I really love you, it is just so hard to leave the baby. Can't we just see where this goes? Even more waffle, waffle, waffle. No, you are right, I guess I will not be leaving her, but we can still see each other, can't we? Please. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisymay Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 That's exactly what he said when I said there's no point, I still wanna see you lets be friends etc etc! I feel like a complete fool I just thought because he told his sister and mom he loves me, I know he did because his sisters been in touch with me a lot and she doesn't get on with his wife either. For all those who think I'm married I'm not my relationship ended because of domestic violence so please don't be telling me to think of my 'husband' in all of this. It took me long enough to pluck up the courage to stand up to him, I owe him no consideration and I was doing well. I had a few dates after a while but wasn't ready then I think because of the old chemistry I fell for MM Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 That's exactly what he said when I said there's no point, I still wanna see you lets be friends etc etc! I feel like a complete fool I just thought because he told his sister and mom he loves me, I know he did because his sisters been in touch with me a lot and she doesn't get on with his wife either. For all those who think I'm married I'm not my relationship ended because of domestic violence so please don't be telling me to think of my 'husband' in all of this. It took me long enough to pluck up the courage to stand up to him, I owe him no consideration and I was doing well. I had a few dates after a while but wasn't ready then I think because of the old chemistry I fell for MM You're not ready to date anyone. You jumped from one dysfunctional relationship to another. You have healing to do from your last relationship before you can make healthy choices about being with another. Counselling would be a great start for you. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 For all those who think I'm married I'm not my relationship ended because of domestic violence ... had a few dates after a while but wasn't ready then I think because of the old chemistry I fell for MM YOU were perfect MM material. Stable, single women tell MM to get lost and go back to their wives and new born babies. Vulnerable people just out of abusive relationships soak up all the compliments, the affection, the intimacy, the pure friendship, the "love" from MM like a dry sponge. He is wonderful, he is everything your abusive partner wasn't. Only he has a wife and he is NOT going to leave her. Being an OW to a man who is not leaving isn't fun, it is frustrating, it causes anger, resentment, desperation, distress, upset and is ultimately heart breaking. Get out now and find a proper man who will love, cherish and respect you and only you - you deserve it Link to post Share on other sites
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