husband wants space !!!

[whyisitsotough]

New member and will try to make my story as concise as possible. I've been married 19 years. My husband and I have lived 2 hours apart for the last 5 years. We were not formally separated and continued to see each other on weekends, talked often during the week and tried to make long distance work.

 

Over the last year or so the amount of time we spent together lessened and it became more of a best friend situation. 3 weeks ago,I spent the weekend with him and told him i wanted to work on our marriage and reconnect. He seemed surprised that I wanted this and I asked if he were interested in some one else. He said he could be. It was not physical, just a woman that he had feelings for but he didn't even know how strong they were but was surprised they developed while being married to me. He said he needed time to think.

 

Approx a week ago we saw each other and spoke. He told me this woman definitely influences things. He said he didnt know if he was in love with her or not. He also said he was afraid he might be at a point in our marriage where there is no coming back from. He doesn't know if he wants to try to make things better but in the same breath said he couldn't imagine his life without me in it and could never imagine telling me goodbye. He was crying so hard when he said this. He says he loves me but doesn't know if he wants to be with me. He also thinks he's going through a midlife crisis. He told me he still needed time to think and would not commit to limiting his interaction with this woman to work only. Another point to mention is I believe this other person is married.

 

I've asked for counseling, which he does not want to do at this time. The last time I saw him a week ago, he didn't want to kiss me or be intimate because he didn't want to "lead me on". This was after he and this woman had met and discussed their feelings for each other.

 

He's asked for space and apologized this is happening.... we haven't spoken for over a week as I am trying to give him the space he's requested. He says he's confused but his actions feel like he's trying to push me out of his life. There has been a lot of hurt on both sides and he says hes scared our relationship will deteriorate again, and he will be hurt another time. He also has said that a known future with me might be scarier than an unknown future without me.

 

Please ask if you'd like further detail. I didnt want to write a novel. Any advice on what, if anything, I can do? I desperately would love to save our marriage.... I love him. He's my very best friend and my family. I want us to grow old together....

[Qboro90]

I'm sorry but if it was going to be reconciled and work out between you then it would have by now.... Think about it... You might not want to believe it but you have been separated and not married for the last 5 years. That's more than enough time for him to realize if he wants to be your husband anymore. He does not.

 

With the distance between you and the 5 years separation (just because it wasn't legally separated doesn't mean it's not a separation) as well as his open interest in another woman I don't see anything you can do at this point to get that spark back.

 

He cried and told you those things because in all likelihood you two are comfortable around each other and there's a long history between you. It's just him not wanting to commit to the unknown and having you on the backburner in case he is unable to get this other woman, or he just decides it's less work to go back to an unhappy marriage rather than be single and leave u behind. If I were you I wouldn't want a husband like that.

 

Start thinking about why you still want this man back. Do you want the man he used to be/the man you think he can be? Or do you want the man he actually is? Because the man he is right now and for the last 5 years isn't what you deserve. You should know you deserve more.

[whyisitsotough]

Thank you for your response. So much of what you say gives me things to think about but I do want to clarify one point.

 

We've live apart during the week because of our careers. His required him to be in one place and mine required me to be 2 hours away during the work week. We went into this situation with the plan of making our marriage work despite the distance. We did not agree to separate 5 years ago. Don't know if that matters to your opinion or advice, just wanted to clarify! Thanks again!

[Satu]

Sorry to say it, but you've not been married in the fullest sense of what a marriage should be, for five years.

 

If your jobs are more important to you both than your marriage, your priorities are not compatible with marriage.

Edited September 1, 2015 by Satu

[whyisitsotough]

I agree Satu. My job is the one that caused me to move away. 5 years ago it was a priority that interfered with our marriage. Over the last year I have realized my priority is and should have been my marriage. Unfortunately, it seems I might not have the chance to rectify that mistake. I have told him I want to leave my job and come home, but now he is saying he doesn't know if he wants me to because he doesn't know if he wants to remain married.

[Qboro90]

Thank you for your response. So much of what you say gives me things to think about but I do want to clarify one point.

 

We've live apart during the week because of our careers. His required him to be in one place and mine required me to be 2 hours away during the work week. We went into this situation with the plan of making our marriage work despite the distance. We did not agree to separate 5 years ago. Don't know if that matters to your opinion or advice, just wanted to clarify! Thanks again!

 

 

And in those 5 years he hasn't gotten fed up with the not seeing you and tried to work something out of make an effort to see you more? That says it all right there. I'm surprised you've let it go on for this long. 5 years of rarely seeing your husband or not coming to some kind of arrangement to see one another more is very unusual. When you asked if there was someone else and he told you there was, you didn't seem too surprised or blindsided. Leading me to believe that it's been an unspoken aware meant that him or each of you has the ability to fall for or like other people.

 

If you were trying to make the distance work through all this time and he told you that there was another woman then the reaction would be anger and distress. Not "ok, so should I wait longer till you figure it out with her then? Or what do you wanna do?"... You're letting him live without any consequences or fear of losing you. Why is he going to try and make the marriage work if for 5 years you have not asked for anything more, have not dated anyone else, and accept that he has feelings for another woman? He can just have his cake and eat it too.

[Satu]

I agree Satu. *My job is the one that caused me to move away. 5 years ago it was a priority that interfered with our marriage. Over the last year I have realized my priority is and should have been my marriage. Unfortunately, it seems I might not have the chance to rectify that mistake. I have told him I want to leave my job and come home, but now he is saying he doesn't know if he wants me to because he doesn't know if he wants to remain married.

 

What was so important to you about your job, that it made you think that moving away for it was a good idea?

 

I need some help to understand your reasoning.

[oldshirt]

you are kind of having a girl-version of "nice guy syndrome" and it is going to bite you in the a$$ big time.

 

 

You are trying to be appease and accommodate him so he can "have space" but what you are really doing is telling him it ok to test drive this other gal and give them leeway to determine if they are going to ride off into the sunset together or not while in the mean time you are sitting on the shelf in reserve awaiting his answer.

 

 

Screw that!!!

 

 

This is the time to grow some brass ovaries and either $hit or get off the pot.

 

 

If you want to save your marriage then you tell him to Velcro his balls back on tell him it's either all in or all out. If he needs time, you can be generous and give him 5 minutes to choose.

 

 

By all in or all out, it's either choosing to be married in every sense of the word and you two work out your jobs so that you are in the same house, in the same town even if one of you has to work as a greeter at Wal Mart. Then he kicks the OW to the curb and focuses his entire energies on you and the marriage and you enter into professional MC and resume marital relations.

 

 

Or it's all out in which case you divorce and move on with your own separate lives.

 

 

All in or all out, nothing in between and nothing that anyone needs "space" or time to decide.

 

 

If he won't decide in 5 minutes allowed him, then you decide and you walk away and see an attorney and start the divorce process as quickly as possible so you aren't sitting around waiting for him while he test drives this other woman.

 

 

Bottom line here is refuse to be on a shelf waiting for him to decide which woman he wants or tries to determine which will have him. As a married man and supposed head of the household he either chooses to be a fulltime, fully invested husband in a real marriage, or he chooses to be divorced. nothing in between.

 

 

Stop being a doormat and an a "nice guy." Put your ovaries back on and be strong woman and wife and expect your husband to man-up and take a stand one way or another on the state of your marriage.

[oldshirt]

IMHO your husband dropped the ball in allowing your marriage to be physically separate indefinitely. That was poor management and planning on his part. He was a weak and ineffectual leader.

 

 

This is what has caused you to lose respect and faith in him which is why you are allowing him this opportunity to develop a relationship and screw this other woman. A woman that holds respect and admiration for her husband and feels that he is looking over her as her champion and protector will claw the eyes out of any woman that so much as bats an eye at her man.

 

 

Your not saying it but I suspect you have your eyes on someone else as well and are seeing this as a potential opportunity to find someone else as well. You are just wanting him to be the one that drops the gavel and decides and is therefor the bad guy if he chooses to divorce.

 

 

This is why you need to draw the line against waiting for him to decide while each of you plays this chess game of move-counter-move.

 

 

You both need to pick all-in or all-out and take a stand right now. You either want to be married to each other or you don't.

 

 

If you don't want to be married to him. Send him whatever stuff he has at your house and see an attorney tomorrow morning to begin the divorce proceedings.

 

 

If you want to remain married to him, state your case and give him 5 minutes to decide if he is all in or all out. If he hims and haws until 6 minutes let him see your taillights fading in the distance.

 

 

I'd bet the farm he'll follow you. If he does call Bull$hit on him and make him realize he needs to toe the line and start $hitting golden nuggets and devote himself blood, sweat and tears into your marriage and get you two back together under the same roof even if he or both of you have to flip burgers at McDonalds.

 

 

One of you has to grow some balls. It would be best if he did, but you may have to water and fertilize his Ball Seed a little bit to get them growing after being dormant for so long. You may need to spread some 'Chia Balls' in his crotch and water it LOL

[DKT3]

Was your job the only reason you moved two hours away? I mean there were so many other options, find a different job, split the distance.

 

I too put my marriage in danger with my career. She felt I put her second and in many ways she was right. My expectations were she (we) would make it work.

 

The comment he made about fearing you would hurt him again, what was that about?

[CarrieT]

"Giving space" is tantamount to giving permission for him to pursue this other woman whilst keeping you on the back burner "just in case."

 

Don't allow it.

 

If you want to fight for your marriage, then do so. Research and implement "The 180," but if wait around for him to figure things out, all you are doing is allowing him to try on another woman for a while.

[S2B]

Space? He wants space when you hardly see him? That "space" leaves him MORE room to justify seeing her!

 

He was honest when asked - I'll give him that.

 

But I'd bet money he's slept with her - otherwise he wouldn't refrain from kissing you. He feels guilty cheating on HER!

 

You need more truth from him. He's with holding the real deal.

 

 

No more "space"! You go park yourself at his place until you have answers!

 

Space... He's hardly had you around! Pffft! That's his excuse to keep you away so she can be with him 24/7.

 

You want your marriage? Go fight for it! Go now and get answers! Don't tell him you're coming - just go and show up unannounced. And don't leave until you know his full truth!

[anika99]

I think your husband is likely involved in full blown affair with this woman. There is probably a lot more to it than he is telling you because he wants to keep you hanging on as his back up plan while he continues to develop his relationship with the OW

 

In all honesty I don't really understand the 5 years long distance marriage. I mean I understand that sometime one spouse will have to move away for a bit to follow a job but then usually the other spouse plans to join them later on or there is a projected end date for the spouse who moved away. I don't get letting that distance continue year after year with no plan to rejoin. That sounds like marriage catastrophe to me. On the other hand your husband agreed to the distance and if he was lonely and wanted a full time partner he should have spoken up to you about it before he let anything develop with another woman.

 

Now I agree with oldshirt. Now is not the time to be giving your husband free time to play around with the OW. He says he wants that but deep down he won't respect you for allowing him to continue his affair and the time he says he's using to figure things out will really be time spent getting deeper into his affair. Tell him he can't have you both and he has to make a choice right now. If he chooses the marriage then he has to cut off contact with the OW. If he chooses the OW then you cut contact with him. He doesn't get both.

[whyisitsotough]

Was your job the only reason you moved two hours away? I mean there were so many other options, find a different job, split the distance.

 

I too put my marriage in danger with my career. She felt I put her second and in many ways she was right. My expectations were she (we) would make it work.

 

The comment he made about fearing you would hurt him again, what was that about?

 

I work in a very specialized field within the healthcare industry. So specialized that the organization I work for is the only one of it's kind in a 600 mile radius because our service area is mandated by the federal government. I worked my way up in the organization in a regional office (where my husband and I lived) and was offered a big promotion but to take the job I had to work out of our main office 150 miles away. I decided I needed to take the amazing opportunity provided to me and was hopeful my husband and I could make it work. Five years ago, I derived a lot of self-worth" from my career and made my career a priority (which I regret now). We were both "workaholics" and his career is also in a very specialized field.

 

The reference about hurting him again was regarding a time about five years into our marriage where I moved out and we separated for approx six months. He was devastated and we went to marriage counseling and improved our marriage dramatically. He was also referencing when I moved for my job. While he said he understood why I wanted to, he was hurt that I decided to...

[oldshirt]

I work in a very specialized field within the healthcare industry. So specialized that the organization I work for is the only one of it's kind in a 600 mile radius because our service area is mandated by the federal government. I worked my way up in the organization in a regional office (where my husband and I lived) and was offered a big promotion but to take the job I had to work out of our main office 150 miles away. I decided I needed to take the amazing opportunity provided to me and was hopeful my husband and I could make it work. Five years ago, I derived a lot of self-worth" from my career and made my career a priority (which I regret now). We were both "workaholics" and his career is also in a very specialized field.

 

The reference about hurting him again was regarding a time about five years into our marriage where I moved out and we separated for approx six months. He was devastated and we went to marriage counseling and improved our marriage dramatically. He was also referencing when I moved for my job. While he said he understood why I wanted to, he was hurt that I decided to...

 

OK.

 

 

But that doesn't change anything that anyone is saying.

 

 

It's ok to divorce and each of you carry on with your own lives.

 

 

But if you want to have a real marriage, you're (as in both of you) gonna hafta draw some serious boundaries in the sand and make some serious changes in your lives and lifestyles....cause this clearly ain't work'n.

[whyisitsotough]

IMHO your husband dropped the ball in allowing your marriage to be physically separate indefinitely. That was poor management and planning on his part. He was a weak and ineffectual leader.

 

 

This is what has caused you to lose respect and faith in him which is why you are allowing him this opportunity to develop a relationship and screw this other woman. A woman that holds respect and admiration for her husband and feels that he is looking over her as her champion and protector will claw the eyes out of any woman that so much as bats an eye at her man.

 

 

Your not saying it but I suspect you have your eyes on someone else as well and are seeing this as a potential opportunity to find someone else as well. You are just wanting him to be the one that drops the gavel and decides and is therefor the bad guy if he chooses to divorce.

 

 

This is why you need to draw the line against waiting for him to decide while each of you plays this chess game of move-counter-move.

 

 

You both need to pick all-in or all-out and take a stand right now. You either want to be married to each other or you don't.

 

 

If you don't want to be married to him. Send him whatever stuff he has at your house and see an attorney tomorrow morning to begin the divorce proceedings.

 

 

If you want to remain married to him, state your case and give him 5 minutes to decide if he is all in or all out. If he hims and haws until 6 minutes let him see your taillights fading in the distance.

 

 

I'd bet the farm he'll follow you. If he does call Bull$hit on him and make him realize he needs to toe the line and start $hitting golden nuggets and devote himself blood, sweat and tears into your marriage and get you two back together under the same roof even if he or both of you have to flip burgers at McDonalds.

 

 

One of you has to grow some balls. It would be best if he did, but you may have to water and fertilize his Ball Seed a little bit to get them growing after being dormant for so long. You may need to spread some 'Chia Balls' in his crotch and water it LOL

 

I don't have interest in any one else. I want my marriage to work. While it may have been the wrong decision, the reason I have given him space to consider if he wants to rebuild our marriage is recognizing my decisions (to move, live separately, hurting him with that decision) that have brought our marriage to this point and feeling guilty for those decisions but I also completely see the validity of your statements.

 

I do not want to sit back while he decides if a relationship with another person is going to work out. I don't want our marriage and myself to be on the back burner for him. I want him to make a decision about our marriage before he invests into another relationship. It's strange to me because on one hand he says, "my feelings for this other person are irrelevant to what I decide about our marriage" but then he later says "this other person is an influence on our situation"... Your comments have given me a lot to think about. Thank you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do not want to sit back while he decides if a relationship with another person is going to work out. I don't want our marriage and myself to be on the back burner for him. I want him to make a decision about our marriage before he invests into another relationship. It's strange to me because on one hand he says, "my feelings for this other person are irrelevant to what I decide about our marriage" but then he later says "this other person is an influence on our situation"...

 

What you want is normal and understandable. What other posters have tried to get you to see is that, at this point, his wants are different. He wants to explore this new relationship and keep your semi-marriage on the back burner while he tests the waters.

 

If you're not going to allow him to do that, you'll need to take some specific steps:

 

If you want to fight for your marriage, then do so. Research and implement "The 180," but if wait around for him to figure things out, all you are doing is allowing him to try on another woman for a while.

 

Anything else simply enables what he's already doing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Grumpybutfun]

He has had space...too much of it. Now, he is emotionally cheating on you, and probably physically too. He has already checked out of your marriage. Time to cut your losses and move on. Any couple who can live apart for five years regardless of reason...isn't truly married. You two have been single with bf/gf relationship. As they say...that ship has sailed....there will be no reconciliation because he is infatuated with this other woman. Sorry to be so frank but I don't believe in trying to make things happen with wishes....he is gone already.

Time for you to move in and fine someone you would never pick a career over.

Grumpy

[Popsicle]

I think that he is hoping/looking for something better (which may not necessarily be this other woman) but he wants to keep you as a backup safety net in case he doesn't find it.

[Popsicle]

And OP, maybe you don't really need to be married, if you are perfectly content to spend so much time apart. Maybe you'd be happiest with just a weekend boyfriend. Have you ever thought about that?

[sandylee1]

You basically did what lots of men do......you put your career first 5 years ago. The roles reversed here, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it needed more discussion at the time.

 

I can tell you lots of people would commute 150 miles so they could still live together. From the sound of things, you don't have any kids. Many women would have worried that the distance would be dangerous and give him the opportunity to have an affair as well.

 

It seems he's resentful about the fact that your career was so important and possibly secretly jealous of you.

 

He should have communicated better to you during the 5 years, but I'm not going to stay with a man because it's better or less scary than him not being with me.

Now I'm a bit tougher than that and would ascertain if he's looking to date this woman and if so, was he okay if I also dated while he made his mind up.

 

I'm not sitting back as plan B to my husband ever. No way, no chance. If I'm not all the woman he needs and wants, then we can part company.

 

I'd be surprised if the affair isn't physical and he's breaking it to you gently.