Space??!!

[Redhead14]

I don't know, everything has been fine. The only issue has been communication and that has been my lack of. I think he's fed up but I'm working on it.

 

The only issue has been communication? That is THE number 1 reason that relationships break down. It undermines trust and the sense of security in the relationship. Things cannot be "fine" if you were not communicating. At best, you both have been operating on auto pilot for a long time.

 

What was the argument about that started this and then overflowed to past arguments?

[lola59]

Last night was better than previous nights - he is talking to me more. Still not the same, but more. Still sleeping on the couch. He said good morning again.

 

I'm hopeful, I know a lot of you think this is headed for a breakup - but I still have hope. I know love can win. No one is perfect, there is no perfect relationship - but love can always persevere!

[stillafool]

 

How do I give him space?

 

How can I destress, stay sane? I can't even do anything in the house (like clean, etc) because I'm so stressed.

 

You can do this by moving out. What type of relationship do you have where you don't speak for 3 weeks. Wasn't 3 weeks of space enough for him. It doesn't sound like he wants to make up. Move out and give him all the space he can stand.

[Redhead14]

Last night was better than previous nights - he is talking to me more. Still not the same, but more. Still sleeping on the couch. He said good morning again.

 

I'm hopeful, I know a lot of you think this is headed for a breakup - but I still have hope. I know love can win. No one is perfect, there is no perfect relationship - but love can always persevere!

 

Him sleeping on the couch for a month is beginning to cross into the realm of disrespect and punishment. I think it's time for you to open a casual, non-confrontational conversation with him and say something like "I love you and I know things have been difficult lately. I am beginning to understand my role in all this and I think I have demonstrated understanding and respect for your need for space over the past month. I understand that my communication skills may have been lacking, however, I am attempting to bridge that gap now. I respect and want to improve our relationship and am willing to work with you as a team in order to do that. I am missing having you in our bed and I hope you will consider coming back to it soon and that you will also consider what it is we need to do to get back on track." And, then let him talk.

[katiegrl]

You can do this by moving out. What type of relationship do you have where you don't speak for 3 weeks. Wasn't 3 weeks of space enough for him. It doesn't sound like he wants to make up. Move out and give him all the space he can stand.

 

^^^^Just this! If you had moved out immediately after he told you he needed space, this whole thing could have been resolved by now.

 

Your hanging in, trying to "make nice" isn't helping things at all. Obviously!

 

Just move out and leave him the hell alone.

 

That is the only way to give him the proper space to figure out his feelings, and decide whether or not he wants to continue the RL.

 

He will either miss you and decide it's worth saving .... or he won't!

 

Pack up your things and tell him you are staying with a friend.

 

This whole thing is getting ridiculous... it's been a month for chrissakes.

[Redhead14]

Him sleeping on the couch for a month is beginning to cross into the realm of disrespect and punishment. I think it's time for you to open a casual, non-confrontational conversation with him and say something like "I love you and I know things have been difficult lately. I am beginning to understand my role in all this and I think I have demonstrated understanding and respect for your need for space over the past month. I understand that my communication skills may have been lacking, however, I am attempting to bridge that gap now. I respect and want to improve our relationship and am willing to work with you as a team in order to do that. I am missing having you in our bed and I hope you will consider coming back to it soon and that you will also consider what it is we need to do to get back on track." And, then let him talk.

 

I agree with Katie about drawing a line. However, I would have the conversation I outlined above first. If he is uncommuncative and indicates that he is going to continue to sleep on the couch, I would simply say to him "Ok, I understand. I will be at ____'s house until you decide that it is time to have a real conversation and make a decision about our future". And, then actually pack your stuff and leave.

 

In fact, I'd have a suitcase in the car. You don't have to do walk on eggshells anymore. You've made an effort here but the longer you tolerate it, the longer he'll take advantage of the situation.

[Redhead14]

I agree with Katie about drawing a line. However, I would have the conversation I outlined above first. If he is uncommuncative and indicates that he is going to continue to sleep on the couch, I would simply say to him "Ok, I understand. I will be at ____'s house until you decide that it is time to have a real conversation and make a decision about our future". And, then actually pack your stuff and leave.

 

In fact, I'd have a suitcase in the car. You don't have to do walk on eggshells anymore. You've made an effort here but the longer you tolerate it, the longer he'll take advantage of the situation.

 

In situations where someone I wasn't living with told me they needed space, I became NASA. They had to contact Houston when they figured out their problem and then realized they had another one to figure out.

[kendahke]

Who the hell only invites the one person and NOT their spouse?.

 

or girlfriend, as this case is.

 

Perhaps they've had a bad experience with OP and would rather not associate with her?

 

They can invite whoever they want to their party. It was incumbent upon OP's boyfriend to make sure OP was invited and if she wasn't, decline the invite. It doesn't seem that he followed through on that, hence this thread.

[kendahke]

OP--why do you want so badly to work this out with him--other than love? Do you really feel like having to go through this for the rest of your life? There is no guarantee that he's going to change how he does things, so are you prepared to be dealing with this with kids on your hip, a mortgage, aging parents and everything else that goes with two people living together? When you're 55, will this still be a cute look for you?

 

Get that communication thing under control--you two are going nowhere fast if you can't even talk to each other.

[katiegrl]

Lola..... there is a really good movie from 1986 I think you should watch. It's called "About Last Night" starring Demi Moore (a young Demi Moore) and Rob Lowe.

 

 

They moved in together, he felt suffocated, unsure of his feelings, unsure whether he wanted to continue the RL and expressed to her he needed space .... and so Demi's character moved out. She moved in with a friend.

 

 

It was really difficult for her....she was in a great deal of pain, crying jags, the whole thing. Her friend was there to comfort her.

 

 

But low and behold, after some time Rob Lowe' character realized how much he MISSED HER, how much he LOVED HER, and wanted her back. Wanted to give the RL a real chance this time.

 

 

Demi, however, was beginning to move on. When Rob expressed to her he wanted to return, she DID NOT make it so easy for him. She made him EARN his way back, and earn his way back he did!!

 

 

Lots of really good lessons in that movie that I think would really help you and benefit you. It's a really good movie to watch too...just for the hell of it!

 

 

Number one is when a man tells you he needs space, you give him space! If you are living together, that means moving out. If you're still right there all the time, even if you are not speaking, that is NOT giving him space.

 

 

You need to leave him ALONE. Move out, and go NO CONTACT.

 

 

Let him miss you. Let him feel the loss. Let him feel the pain of losing you.

 

 

I cannot stress this enough!!

 

 

Will it hurt like crazy to move out? Yes!! But if you move in with a friend, your friend will be there to support you, to comfort you, to help you work through it.

 

 

Please think about it. It's time.

 

 

Good look hon and ((hugs)).

Edited September 3, 2015 by katiegrl

[Diezel]

katie, your advice is solid, but your essentially telling her that if she does that, her Rob Lowe might come back the same way.

 

Simply put, she needs to go NC and move on, forever.

 

If Demi Moore had come to LS, we'd have told her to go NC and not accept any advances and that if he did come back, it's because his side chick didn't pan out.

[katiegrl]

katie, your advice is solid, but your essentially telling her that if she does that, her Rob Lowe might come back the same way.

 

Simply put, she needs to go NC and move on, forever.

 

If Demi Moore had come to LS, we'd have told her to go NC and not accept any advances and that if he did come back, it's because his side chick didn't pan out.

 

Oh I definitely agree and THAT was exactly what Demi Moore's character DID do.

 

 

She DID NOT wait for him to return....she moved on!

 

 

The only reason why I brought up Rob Lowe's character's returning was because THAT was one of the premises of the movie.

 

 

But I am with you 100%. She should NOT move out hoping he will return.

 

 

Also, note I said that when Rob Lowe DID want to return, Demi did NOT make it easy for him. She said no! She was moving on.....she HAD moved on.

 

 

This is what Lola needs to do too....move out and move on!

 

 

IF he wants to come back, she can deal with it then...but DON'T count on it.

 

 

In any event, continuing to live with him is getting her NO WHERE. It's just annoying him. Her presence annoys him.

 

 

I hate to be this harsh....but that's the reality.

[GemmaUK]

Last night was better than previous nights - he is talking to me more. Still not the same, but more. Still sleeping on the couch. He said good morning again.

 

Sounding good, keep it up.

Just take a day at a time and while you're doing that really think about ways to work on changing your behaviour so that you do communicate more and don't distance him. You need to be damned honest with yourself though and think of ways to give yourself a kick if you feel you're heading down that road again.

You're seeing the other side of how that feels and it's not a nice thing to feel with a partner.

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship is in serious trouble.

 

OP, I agree with what some of the others have said that you do need to draw a line somewhere. I would very much recommend having the discussion that Redhead14 suggested, and have a plan to leave ready. At some point, you two need to talk. 3 going on 4 weeks is getting to be a little much. Otherwise, it's essentially over.

[lola59]

Guys it's not so easy as just packing a bag and moving out. We own a house together, we have 2 dogs, bills, a joint bank account - think of it like we are married. So much work will have to go into moving out, it's not that simple. That's why I want to be 100% sure that's what needs to happen.

 

He gets mad if I don't answer his calls still, he makes sure I know where he is going if he leaves. I think even suggesting moving out would just piss him off even more because I don't think that's what he wants at this point. I understand the space thing now yes I do. But it's not so simple, maybe to you guys it is and it's obvious. But I'm going with my gut on this moving out thing. And the space thing, I'm starting to listen to my gut and I don't think he truly wants me gone out of the house, I think he just wants me to leave him alone so he can think. And I am coming up with more ways to be out of house more often.

 

Maybe you guys can't understand that because of your own experiences, but I'm the only one who knows him better than anyone else. And this isn't him. He's in a funk, placating negativity on me, yes, I get that's wrong. But this is an isolated incident precipitated by some unresolved past fights. Yes, communication is lacking but it's not completely nonexistent. We do talk after fights, we do communicate pretty effectively. We've hit a rough patch that seems to be a turning point in the way we do things. And I am learning and hopefully he will too. But I can't just give up. Not yet.

 

I hope that makes sense.

[GemmaUK]

I think moving out would be the nail in the coffin.

If he had wanted space that much he would have moved out way before now.

Stick with what you are doing Lola.

Things are slowly picking up even from when you first posted, 3 days ago or something? He just needs to see you being level headed and consistent but showing that you do care, do love him and also showing him indirectly by your actions now that you realise what it is that you were doing when a problem arose.

 

You can do this.

Time, patience and willingness to see both sides of the past, present and going into the future will get you there.

[Redhead14]

Guys it's not so easy as just packing a bag and moving out. We own a house together, we have 2 dogs, bills, a joint bank account - think of it like we are married. So much work will have to go into moving out, it's not that simple. That's why I want to be 100% sure that's what needs to happen.

 

He gets mad if I don't answer his calls still, he makes sure I know where he is going if he leaves. I think even suggesting moving out would just piss him off even more because I don't think that's what he wants at this point. I understand the space thing now yes I do. But it's not so simple, maybe to you guys it is and it's obvious. But I'm going with my gut on this moving out thing. And the space thing, I'm starting to listen to my gut and I don't think he truly wants me gone out of the house, I think he just wants me to leave him alone so he can think. And I am coming up with more ways to be out of house more often.

 

Maybe you guys can't understand that because of your own experiences, but I'm the only one who knows him better than anyone else. And this isn't him. He's in a funk, placating negativity on me, yes, I get that's wrong. But this is

an isolated incident precipitated by some unresolved past fights. Yes, communication is lacking but it's not completely nonexistent. We do talk after

fights, we do communicate pretty effectively. We've hit a rough patch that

seems to be a turning point in the way we do things. And I am learning and

hopefully he will too. But I can't just give up. Not yet.

 

I hope that makes sense.

 

I understand. You've living together for 5 years. It didnt happen recently. However, a month of this is too long. You need to address this and in a supportive way. You have no "leverage" though except to be prepared to leave for a short time anyway. If you try to have that conversation and he isnt responsive and/or doesnt come back to your bed, I'd tell him that you will be wherever for x days so that you aren't walking on eggshells while he is doing what works for HIM. He can take care of the dogs, the household etc. For a few days. You have needs and rights too. He is taking advantage now. He needs to know that you are being hurt and that there is a limit.

[ExpatInItaly]

I understand. You've living together for 5 years. It didnt happen recently. However, a month of this is too long. You need to address this and in a supportive way. You have no "leverage" though except to be prepared to leave for a short time anyway. If you try to have that conversation and he isnt responsive and/or doesnt come back to your bed, I'd tell him that you will be wherever for x days so that you aren't walking on eggshells while he is doing what works for HIM. He can take care of the dogs, the household etc. For a few days. You have needs and rights too. He is taking advantage now. He needs to know that you are being hurt and that there is a limit.

 

100% agree.

 

And yes, I have lived with a boyfriend (for a few years) who also requested space. I know it's not as simple as just moving out.

 

But a month? I think there's more to this. He's got some deep resentment towards you, OP. It's not a good sign. How long are you willing to go on like this? Another week? Two more weeks? You need to set a limit for yourself.

 

I don't see this ending well if he keeps stonewalling you. Sorry.

[GemmaUK]

I understand. You've living together for 5 years. It didnt happen recently. However, a month of this is too long. You need to address this and in a supportive way. You have no "leverage" though except to be prepared to leave for a short time anyway. If you try to have that conversation and he isnt responsive and/or doesnt come back to your bed, I'd tell him that you will be wherever for x days so that you aren't walking on eggshells while he is doing what works for HIM. He can take care of the dogs, the household etc. For a few days. You have needs and rights too. He is taking advantage now. He needs to know that you are being hurt and that there is a limit.

 

With all due respect though the OP has only looked back and really become aware of how she had been treating him before this all happened.

Since she has become aware she has made changes already and they are all getting positive results.

He, more than her needs to trust she will communicate and won't distance herself as she (I gather?) did that on several occasions possibly fairly regularly(?) going by her earlier posts.

 

Sorry Lola for talking about you in the third person.

[lola59]

No, thanks for jumping in Gemma. You seem to completely understand it. All assumptions are right!

[Redhead14]

With all due respect though the OP has only looked back and really become aware of how she had been treating him before this all happened.

Since she has become aware she has made changes already and they are all getting positive results.

He, more than her needs to trust she will communicate and won't distance herself as she (I gather?) did that on several occasions possibly fairly regularly(?) going by her earlier posts.

 

Sorry Lola for talking about you in the third person.

 

I do agree she has only recently been making strides. If she wants to give it a little more time, she shpuld do that. But there has to be a limit somewhere thats all. He could do this for months even. Ive seen it happen. Strangers in the same house doing an ugly, silent dance because neither of them wants to talk. He could do it longer because he's thinking like shes thinking -- house,

dogs, bills etc.

 

I wouldnt allow it to go on much longer than 2 more weeks on the outside depending on the progress or lack thereof.

[GemmaUK]

No, thanks for jumping in Gemma. You seem to completely understand it. All assumptions are right!

 

Sounds just like I was for a while with my man.

It took a shock for me to have a light bulb moment to see just what I had been doing.

I changed it but took small steps like you are doing.

Once and only once we were pretty firm again did I speak to him properly and say that I had indeed realised what I had been doing wrong.

I admitted and apologised and he already could see for himself before that point that I was making big efforts to be a better me for the relationship and for us.

 

Once you have a light bulb moment (which I think you have) then it's much easier to work on.

[GemmaUK]

I do agree she has only recently been making strides. If she wants to give it a little more time, she shpuld do that. But there has to be a limit somewhere thats all. He could do this for months even. Ive seen it happen. Strangers in the same house doing an ugly, silent dance because neither of them wants to talk. He could do it longer because he's thinking like shes thinking -- house,

dogs, bills etc.

 

I wouldnt allow it to go on much longer than 2 more weeks on the outside depending on the progress or lack thereof.

 

I agree on a time limit, I think I suggested something like a month/3 weeks in an earlier post.

She should also be looking for small daily improvements - but these are happening already.

[katiegrl]

Lola, I suppose your situation is quite a bit different from that in the movie I suggested....it's still a really good movie though if you want to rent it just for fun!

 

 

Five years is a long time, I have been with my boyfriend five years as well and we are living together also.

 

 

I only know if HE were to tell me he needed space (for whatever reason), sleeping on the couch, barely speaking to me, it would be so painful for me, for my own emotional health and well being, I would move out and stay with a friend. That's just me though, everyone has a different level of pain tolerance, I understand that.

 

 

So for ME I would move out....NOT to punish him in any way...but having him treat me that way would be just too painful for me to stay in that type of cold and unloving environment.

 

 

With respect to his behavior being a direct result of YOUR not giving him the attention and/or love he needs.... sweetie IMO, by not speaking with you, sleeping on couch, etc etc etc....it sounds to me like he is punishing you..... using manipulation to change YOUR behavior.....to get YOU to behave in more loving ways toward him.

 

As opposed to simply assertively communicating with you what he needs and if his needs are being met, then to move out himself.

 

 

Instead of what HE is doing...which is to stay and WITHHOLD. Withholding love, attention, affection, etc in an attempt to change another person's behavior (in this case yours) is a manipulation tactic....actually it's a form of emotional abuse which some of us touched on earlier.

 

 

Again, a truly loving, emotionally healthy man who did not feel loved or cared for in his relationship would NOT be treating you this way. Again, he would assertively communicate to you what he needs from you, what he feels you are not giving him....and if, after some time, his needs in this regard were still not being met, HE would move out.

 

 

NOT stay and PUNISH you by withholding his love and affection.

 

 

That's just cruel. Certainly NOT indicative of a man who loves you. Not IMO anyway. It's indicative of a man who prefers to use manipulation and punishment to get his needs met, which is just so wrong on so many levels. That's NOT love.

 

 

However, that said, I can see you are dead set against leaving so all I can do at this point is wish you luck and hope it all works out for ya.

Edited September 3, 2015 by katiegrl

[lola59]

I almost feel like my limit is this weekend...

Today is our 6 year anniversary.

So I will see tonight. I have a feeling nothing is going to be different today...

 

I can't believe this is my life right now...so hard.

I'm working on myself and my reaction to things. I'm particularly weepy right now because of PMS... So things are magnified and sadder than they need to be...and this has always been one of the problems. Getting over emotional/ picking fights during PMS. Like I said I am working so hard right now. I haven't lashed out or cried in front of him or tried to have any talks. So....