Redhead14 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I almost feel like my limit is this weekend... Today is our 6 year anniversary. So I will see tonight. I have a feeling nothing is going to be different today... I can't believe this is my life right now...so hard. I'm working on myself and my reaction to things. I'm particularly weepy right now because of PMS... So things are magnified and sadder than they need to be...and this has always been one of the problems. Getting over emotional/ picking fights during PMS. Like I said I am working so hard right now. I haven't lashed out or cried in front of him or tried to have any talks. So.... Control your emotions. Do something soothing for yourself during the day for a few minutes. Don't go overboard on the anniversary 'celebration' but acknowledge it in some way. Make a special meal for him and focus on doing something nice for you both. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 (edited) Control your emotions. Do something soothing for yourself during the day for a few minutes. Don't go overboard on the anniversary 'celebration' but acknowledge it in some way. Make a special meal for him and focus on doing something nice for you both. He's been treating her like utter crap for a MONTH (don't care about the reason because if he was so unhappy about the way she had been treating him prior, HE could have discussed with her like a mature adult or moved out) ....and you suggest SHE should essentially *reward* him by making him a nice dinner!!!!???? You don't reward people when they intentionally withhold love, attention and affection, and barely acknowledge your existence. Wrong response! I need a break from this board. Ciao. Edited September 4, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 He's been treating her like utter crap for a MONTH (don't care about the reason because if he was so unhappy about the way she had been treating him prior, HE could have discussed with her like a mature adult or moved out) ....and you suggest SHE should essentially *reward* him by making him a nice dinner!!!!???? You don't reward people when they intentionally withhold love, attention and affection, and barely acknowledge your existence. Wrong response! I need a break from this board. Ciao. I agree, however, she says she's noticing an improvement in him and wants to keep working at it, especially since she herself has only just begun to accept and understand her role in the issue. So, I'm giving advice on how to handle it based on her desire to work through it for the moment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 (edited) He's been treating her like utter crap for a MONTH (don't care about the reason because if he was so unhappy about the way she had been treating him prior, HE could have discussed with her like a mature adult or moved out) ....and you suggest SHE should essentially *reward* him by making him a nice dinner!!!!???? You don't reward people when they intentionally withhold love, attention and affection, and barely acknowledge your existence. Wrong response! I need a break from this board. Ciao. Katie, sorry sweetie but you're seemingly not aware or paying attention to why this episode arose. He isn't being abusive, he is a man who doesn't know what to do, probably has no one to talk to about this (as I think when things are good and before this happened these two are pretty damned solid and best friends(?) (another assumption Lola, I hate assumptions but we have no choice on here sometimes). OK, Lola, keep things going as they are..be consistent... Honestly in the scheme of what is and isn't important an anniversary does not actually matter and definitely not for the sake of a rough old patch compared to some great times and yes some bad ones too over several years. If he really wasn't just confused right now he would be sleeping on a friend's sofa. If he wasn't confused right now and was prepared to seriously think this was over he would be sleeping on the sofa of the neighbour if he maybe has no close friends. If this was really thinking it was all over he could be back with his parent/s if that is an option. He isn't and hasn't done any of that. In fact things have been getting better, don't be impatient but do not be too detached. Please don't go into a sulk (sorry to be blunt but your last post makes me 'feel' that you might be going there ((hugs)) ) Edited to add: Are you from the UK or US? I was going to pm you but you haven't yet posted enough to receive mails and I would like to send you a link to something. Edited September 4, 2015 by GemmaUK Link to post Share on other sites
Author lola59 Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 Gemma, yes correct about everything again. I'm from the US. I've been good with my emotions so far, a little weepy, but I am getting that under control. The big part of my problem and this relationship is getting my emotions under control when I am PMSing (actually PMDD) and that is the only time we have EVER had fights. He has been understanding and patient but now he has hit the maximum tolerance level. But I am working on getting it under control through whatever means necessary, hormones getting checked to see what goes off balance, counseling, yoga, hormone therapy, everything I can do to regulate it more. I can now clearly see the issues/ problems I have not been dealing with and causing harm to the relationship. Yeah, I was wondering how many posts you need to PM. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I almost feel like my limit is this weekend... Today is our 6 year anniversary. So I will see tonight. I have a feeling nothing is going to be different today... . Did you get a good morning today? Happy Anniversary? Anything at all or is he still ignoring you (more or less)? You said things were improving so was just curious. By the way... Happy Anniversary. hugs Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Gemma, yes correct about everything again. I'm from the US. I've been good with my emotions so far, a little weepy, but I am getting that under control. The big part of my problem and this relationship is getting my emotions under control when I am PMSing (actually PMDD) and that is the only time we have EVER had fights. He has been understanding and patient but now he has hit the maximum tolerance level. But I am working on getting it under control through whatever means necessary, hormones getting checked to see what goes off balance, counseling, yoga, hormone therapy, everything I can do to regulate it more. I can now clearly see the issues/ problems I have not been dealing with and causing harm to the relationship. Yeah, I was wondering how many posts you need to PM. I know he has hit Max tolerance. Tell your Doc about that. You have come so far since you first posted.You have been so honest too - maybe he needs just honest - if he knew you were not feeling great and might kick off a bit he might get to know the cycles better - just a thought.. Your mind needs some clearness. I am a book reader..sorry..but this one The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book Book 1) - Kindle edition by Don Miguel Ruiz, Janet Mills. Self-Help Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com. This version is cheaper as it's on Kindle but you can down load a free Kindle app to your phone or pc if you don't have a kindle. It has helped me for 'just everything'. It is religious in the beginning. I'm not religious but I read it anyway - after that it made massive sense to me. Massive! I live by this now and you will learn why I hate assumptions... I won't wish you happy Anniversary but I hope for a happy 24 hours. One day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lola59 Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 So we finally had a conversation. I didn't get emotional, I spoke level headed and didn't argue and I got my points out. Progress maybe? He reiterated the point I pushed him to this level and that he needs to work in himself first. He's not even thinking about us. However, the things he was saying made it sound like it isn't completely over or hopeless. And he doesn't want to celebrate today. But he made it sound like he will want to eventually, I guess when he's back to himself. I pointed out the things I'm changing and the progress I've made. But he said one week doesn't cut it. So you guys are right it will take consistency over time... I will have to look up that book. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lola59 Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 And I point blank asked him what he wants by space, as in not talk to him...he said when he doesn't want to talk he just won't talk. And then I asked does it mean you don't want me in the house? And he got mad when I asked that, so I guess that means he does still want me in the house. Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I'm not defending him. I have treated him less than good, during my PMDD cycles. But that is all he is seeing right now. He's just seeing all bad. And it is not all bad, if it was all bad would it have lasted 6 years? He's saying that's he's not him anymore, that he's been patient and caring and kind with me but it's built up to now. And he's not putting up with it. I keep asking, is it over? Is that what you want? It's not fair to leave me in such a gray area of "space." And I just don't understand why now? He said he should have put his foot down long ago. I can't bear the thought of this being over. I don't want it to be over. I don't want to move out. Yes it can last 6 years. Unhappy marriages last longer than that. & doesn't matter what you want it's what you both want. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 And I point blank asked him what he wants by space, as in not talk to him...he said when he doesn't want to talk he just won't talk. And then I asked does it mean you don't want me in the house? And he got mad when I asked that, so I guess that means he does still want me in the house. Do you also walk on eggshells sometimes with him or is this the first time he got mad? You shouldn't have to just assume. His communication could also be lacking. Can you let me know if he gets angry/mad if you don't read his mind? Are you the same if he doesn't read yours? Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Re-read and posting again.. He doesn't want to talk means I think RS talk. But..big but he needs to tell you what he means exactly. Revisit the conversation and tell him you are not a mind reader and can't understand what he means until he tells you straight up. Simple truth is that you are not a mind reader. He has to help and communicate too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lola59 Posted September 5, 2015 Author Share Posted September 5, 2015 No I don't usually walk on eggshells. I think the conversation we had has progressed things in a good direction. He bought my dinner tonight, takeout, but it's a first in a week. And we are talking a lot more! He had me help him shave. Guys I think progress is being made! I'm trying not to get overly confident, but I feel like his anger has subsided quite a bit... And I keep telling myself consistency is key....I need to live that right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lola59 Posted September 5, 2015 Author Share Posted September 5, 2015 Oh and the mind reading, I think sometimes he can literally read my mind. He's extremely perceptive of what I'm feeling, even thinking! How? I don't know. I can usually read his too. Not as easily as he can mine though. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 No I don't usually walk on eggshells. I think the conversation we had has progressed things in a good direction. He bought my dinner tonight, takeout, but it's a first in a week. And we are talking a lot more! He had me help him shave. Guys I think progress is being made! I'm trying not to get overly confident, but I feel like his anger has subsided quite a bit... And I keep telling myself consistency is key....I need to live that right now. You helped him shave? How cute!!! :love: Well perhaps I was wrong about him after all....I'm glad! Good for you lola. ...you know your man! Keep it going and keep us posted! :bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 You helped him shave? How cute!!! :love: Well perhaps I was wrong about him after all....I'm glad! Good for you lola. ...you know your man! Keep it going and keep us posted! :bunny: Helped him shave? Why? Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 Helped him shave? Why? Creates intimacy! Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 Creates intimacy! To shave his face? Never heard of that before but ok Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 To shave his face? Never heard of that before but ok It's the same premise as why couples take baths together, and bathe each other. You've heard of THAT, haven't you? :bunny: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 It's the same premise as why couples take baths together, and bathe each other. You've heard of THAT, haven't you? :bunny: But that's different - there's nudity involved Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 But that's different - there's nudity involved Lol, typical male response..... :) It all creates intimacy....a feeling of closeness. The shaving? Definitely a positive! Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 Lol, typical male response..... :) It all creates intimacy....a feeling of closeness. The shaving? Definitely a positive! I guess. I've never wanted a woman to shave me but would never have turned down a bath Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 Lol, typical male response..... :) It all creates intimacy....a feeling of closeness. The shaving? Definitely a positive! And typical male response doesn't mean I'm wrong Link to post Share on other sites
Author lola59 Posted September 5, 2015 Author Share Posted September 5, 2015 Not his face, his back... I usually do. We have been together a long time...so it's not weird. And he doesn't have a super hairy back either. Gross. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 Not his face, his back... I usually do. We have been together a long time...so it's not weird. And he doesn't have a super hairy back either. Gross. I have a hairy back and butt but never asked my wife to shave it. It seemed like too much to ask Link to post Share on other sites
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