Space??!!

[lola59]

I don't mind helping him out.

[kilgore]

I don't mind helping him out.

 

Maybe your system is better; I just leave the hairy parts hairy.

 

Do you find it promotes intimacy, like katiegirl suggested?

[lola59]

I feel a certain closeness when I do, not sure if he does?

[kilgore]

I feel a certain closeness when I do, not sure if he does?

 

Really? I could see it with the pubes but would imagine the back would be a chore. I stand corrected

[lola59]

It's because he needs my help. And I like to help. Private parts to me would be more weird but some people are into that I guess.

[kilgore]

It's because he needs my help. And I like to help. Private parts to me would be more weird but some people are into that I guess.

 

I never did that - I was just surmising. But it's sweet that you like to help

[GemmaUK]

Sounds like you had a pretty good evening to me...

I was so pleased to see this this morning.

 

Consistency really does help and it'll help you feel calmer too.

 

Oh and the mind reading, I think sometimes he can literally read my mind. He's extremely perceptive of what I'm feeling, even thinking! How? I don't know. I can usually read his too. Not as easily as he can mine though.

Just one thing, don't take this that I have quoted for granted. It's always better to communicate both ways. The book will teach you that.

Right now though keep doing what you are doing.

Something I will say is for someone who admitted they do not communicate you have opened up on here and been really honest. If I have helped at all it's because you have been communicative, admitted some things and therefore made it much easier to help.

[lola59]

Thank you all!

One thing I'm learning is positivity even when you don't want to be. Always look for positivity!

 

He ended up hanging out at neighbors last night (different one, literally next door). I'm glad he did that instead of staying at home and sulking or trying to avoid me. He slept in couch again, but we are making baby steps. And I feel like yesterday was a breakthrough.

 

And I think him going out doing things more is going to help with this whole make himself happy thing he's got going on. I'm actually trying to do the same. Finding the little things that make me happy. I think you get stuck in a rut or routine and forget those things. So overall, through the miserable days, this is turning out to be a positive thing. We are working on ourselves to make us better!

[katiegrl]

Thank you all!

One thing I'm learning is positivity even when you don't want to be. Always look for positivity!

 

He ended up hanging out at neighbors last night (different one, literally next door). I'm glad he did that instead of staying at home and sulking or trying to avoid me. He slept in couch again, but we are making baby steps. And I feel like yesterday was a breakthrough.

 

And I think him going out doing things more is going to help with this whole make himself happy thing he's got going on. I'm actually trying to do the same. Finding the little things that make me happy. I think you get stuck in a rut or routine and forget those things. So overall, through the miserable days, this is turning out to be a positive thing. We are working on ourselves to make us better!

 

Hmmm.. I was hoping it was a breakthrough too.... and am disheartened to learn he chose to spend your anniversary with your neighbors, and when he got home slept on the couch. Again.

 

No it does not sound like he is angry anymore, he seems indifferent, meh. And the baby steps you are sensing are actually him simply trying to be cordial ....just to get along.

 

Which isn't good. It is actually worse than him being angry....

 

I hate to sound like a downer, but I think you should start emotionally preparing yourself for the possibility that he is on his way out. That may be why he went to neighbor's last night, to discuss his ambivalent feelings (and possible exit strategy) with them.

 

The fact he came home and chose to sleep on couch again is telling.

 

I hope I am wrong, but that is what my gut is telling me based on everything you have posted to date.

 

I am really sorry.....

Edited September 5, 2015 by katiegrl

[ExpatInItaly]

OP...you spent your anniversary alone. And he still wouldn't come back to bed.

That - to me - doesn't sound like a breakthrough. In my mind, that actually sends quite a clear message in the opposite direction. It sounds like he is detaching even further.

 

That's just my two cents.

[lola59]

I hate that you guys are seemingly right. I'm still not ready to give up! I am not the one that wants it to be over. So if he does, then he needs to end it.

 

I'm very sad today.

[katiegrl]

I hate that you guys are seemingly right. I'm still not ready to give up! I am not the one that wants it to be over. So if he does, then he needs to end it.

 

I'm very sad today.

 

First off ....I am sorry.

 

Second, sounds like he is trying to break you down so YOU leave.

 

He doesn't want to leave, he has all his creature comforts right there. So of course he doesn't want to leave.

 

It's up to you if you want to though ....

 

Me? I would have left weeks ago, for my own emotional well being and sanity.

 

Wish you the best though.....and I am sorry you're sad.

 

More hugs.

[ExpatInItaly]

I hate that you guys are seemingly right. I'm still not ready to give up! I am not the one that wants it to be over. So if he does, then he needs to end it.

 

I'm very sad today.

 

Do you have a friend or family member you can stay with even just for a few days to get out of the house? You might find that just getting away from that situation for a couple days will help clear you mind and give you some space. The living environment is just getting toxic. You have needs too; this isn't all about him.

 

I think he's taking this too far now. If he's still unwilling to talk about this after several weeks, it's impossible to work towards a reconciliation. I'm sorry, but I think he's now just punishing you and it's gone on long enough.

[lola59]

Katie, you and my best friend are saying the exact same things.

But if I leave I will regret it because I don't want to. I'm still praying he has a change of heart... This just can't be happening. We wanted to spend the rest of our lives together...

[katiegrl]

Katie, you and my best friend are saying the exact same things.

But if I leave I will regret it because I don't want to. I'm still praying he has a change of heart... This just can't be happening. We wanted to spend the rest of our lives together...

 

Lola ....even if he were inclined to miraculously have a change of heart, that is not gonna happen while you are both still living in the same house.

 

He needs major space alone, 100% away from you, for that to happen. So he can miss you and feel the loss.

 

IMO though, this situation has become so toxic, so dysfunctional, and emotionally abusive, I would not count on a change of heart. It's too far gone for that.

 

Again I am so sorry I know that is not what you want to hear.

 

Can you stay with your friend (the one who shares my opinion) for awhile?

[Redhead14]

At this point all you are doing now is placating him. If he's thinking he wants to be without you, let him feel what that would be like for a bit. If it seals the deal for him to decide to be on his own so be it. That's the way it would have gone anyway. It would just be a slow death if you stay there.

 

If he's on the fence about it, your leaving will help him to realize how much he would miss you. Then, he'll come to you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Katie, you and my best friend are saying the exact same things.

But if I leave I will regret it because I don't want to. I'm still praying he has a change of heart... This just can't be happening. We wanted to spend the rest of our lives together...

 

Then it's time for the boy to cut the crap, and to have a talk with him. Enough of the silent treatment. Tell him you are open to hearing him out but that you will simply not tolerate being ignored any longer. Invite him to tell you what he's thinking and if he sees a future between you. If he is unwilling even to do that, then I would say he just doesn't value the relationship the same way you do anymore.

 

I'm sorry OP, I know how you're feeling. I've been there too. But you can only pander to him so much. This is ridiculous now.

[GemmaUK]

Then it's time for the boy to cut the crap, and to have a talk with him. Enough of the silent treatment. Tell him you are open to hearing him out but that you will simply not tolerate being ignored any longer. Invite him to tell you what he's thinking and if he sees a future between you. If he is unwilling even to do that, then I would say he just doesn't value the relationship the same way you do anymore.

 

Agreed.

If improvements are no longer happening then you need to speak up.

[lola59]

We have been talking. There is no silent treatment. He just keeps saying he's trying to work on making himself happy before he can think about us.

 

I've asked him, do you still want me in the house? He gets mad when I ask that. I would think he would be honest with me and tell me no he doesn't since he is being honest with everything else.

 

We are talking normally now though and have had a few of the talks. But he still is sleeping on the couch he said until he feels "normal" again.

[GemmaUK]

We have been talking. There is no silent treatment. He just keeps saying he's trying to work on making himself happy before he can think about us.

Have you asked him what is making him unhappy?

What was it initially that happened for him to move to the couch? What were the few days before that happened like?

 

I've asked him, do you still want me in the house? He gets mad when I ask that. I would think he would be honest with me and tell me no he doesn't since he is being honest with everything else.

Do you mean 'mad' as in rolling his eyes and you should know he has no wish for you to go or does it come over in another way?

 

Sorry for the complicated questions.

I'm glad you're both talking more and as an outsider it's a huge step up from this time last week (though I know it feels incredibly slow for you right now).

[GemmaUK]

Whoops, double post.

[lola59]

The way I've treated him is why he is unhappy. And I say give me the chance to show you I've changed, and he says why should I believe it's different this time etc.

 

The whole couch thing I don't know. It seems like that happened after we had that first talk, because before that he was still coming to bed.

 

The few days before that were him still trying and me being the way he is now.

 

Mad as in grunt and anger, and says I'm being drama. Like that is not what he wants. Which if he is being honest with everything else, I would think he would tell me honestly about that too...

[GemmaUK]

The way I've treated him is why he is unhappy. And I say give me the chance to show you I've changed, and he says why should I believe it's different this time etc.

 

The whole couch thing I don't know. It seems like that happened after we had that first talk, because before that he was still coming to bed.

 

The few days before that were him still trying and me being the way he is now.

 

Mad as in grunt and anger, and says I'm being drama. Like that is not what he wants. Which if he is being honest with everything else, I would think he would tell me honestly about that too...

 

For the record I think he still loves you.

I think you asking if he wants you out of the house to him feels like you are just ready to walk away - and I know that you are not.

 

What situations would lead to you shutting down on him?

 

Give us a few examples.

What happened to cause it.

What your reaction was - did you move to the sofa and stop talking completely?

What he did in between you shutting down and you both being OK again and also what 'OK or good' actually is between you two.

As well as that, are you a team at home? Do you share chores? Walk the dogs together?

Do you two still have date nights and do you still do nice things for each other?

 

I know that is a heck of a lot but if we know that we can pick it apart and see what is really is all about and then see what could be done to improve or stop this kind of thing happening again.

 

Being involved yourself can make it very tough to see what is and isn't reasonable or respectful. It's also harder to see whether there is any taking for granted happening.

 

One more thing you can do is to go and see your doctor/a specialist about your PMDD and take your man with you. To him this could be a very positive step. I think he knows this is not all just 'you'. If you can stabilise how you feel to some extent with help then you have a much easier first step to start from.

Sending you a ((hug)) xx

[lola59]

Hindsight is 20/20 and it sucks because I can see now how awful I've been.

If we got in a fight, I am of the "flight" school. I would leave the house and just drive until I calmed down. Even after that he would still come to me and say we need to talk about this and resolve it. And I would get more mad.

 

One thing that would make me mad is when I would be in the throes of PMDD and he would tell me I need help to get my hormones checked and regulated. And I would be completely unreceptive to him.

 

Looking back at everything I feel just awful. He was being so loving to me and patient. And I took it for granted. (I've already said all of this to him-so he knows).

That's not how you treat someone you love.

I set up an appointment to go to counseling, it was gonna be couples counseling. But he's refusing to go because in the past he suggested we go and I refused.

I also am going to get my hormones checked-I have to wait for a specific day of my cycle so I have to wait until next month to do that.

 

And I already know why I'm like this - hormones and my mother. My mother is this way to my dad. She gets mad at him over everything. And I apparently am taking after her. But now that I see that I can change it.

 

Mind you, this was not a constant thing. And he knows this too, he acknowledged that. It was a good 2 weeks of the month my cycle causes me to get like this. And the other 2weeks perfectly fine - no fights whatsoever. I treat him kindly and good and lovingly. He said recently though it was starting to get worse, turning into 3 weeks a month. And he just couldn't take it anymore, he had his breaking point. He said he almost broke up with me after the last fight. But he didn't.

 

Another thing that I would, to him, get mad about is when he'd turn music up really loud. And he said little things like that about himself he changed for me, more than just that. And that's what is going on, he feels like he's changed so many things to accommodate me and he's trying to get back to being himself and happy. And I never asked him to change anything. He said he did to make me happy.

 

We are a team too. The only we don't do well together is shopping. We usually walk the dogs together, not lately though, just he is.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't know, OP. He sounds very angry and resentful.

 

I'm not sure what him sleeping on the couch is accomplishing, other than avoiding intimacy with you. If he's at that point, you have a lot of work ahead of you.

 

And don't bother asking him if he wants you to leave the house. If you need a break, go. Your sanity is important too.

 

I have a bad feeling he's enjoying having the upper-hand a bit too much here. And I have a feeling there's more to this than he's letting on.