Should I Go Through With Divorce?

[KorgieMac]

I've been wanting to post something like this for sometime, during this process. I'll try to make this short. I've been married for just under 5 years, after seeing each other for 6 years. We were very young when we met (18 and 19). We get along great in terms of a friendly relationship, but I think I made a mistake in marrying her.

 

Here's, what I believe, is pertinent background for our issues. I've always been hard working and ambitious, but she is quite the opposite. When we were younger, I assumed that things would change with age, but it hasn't. I've done the college/work full-time thing, then got in a career that I love, but is demanding. During this time, she would work here and there without any serious thought into what she wanted to do. We (I) bought a house and planned for kids (good school district, big enough, etc.). She really never had any constructive hand in any planning in our future, other then the general "I want kids and a nice house". All of the stresses of the marriage was my problem. Her attitude was basically, "You'll figure it out." Her focus was really on stuff like, hanging out with her friends, wanting to make more friends, etc. I feel like I never really had a partner, but like someone I was looking after. I was fine with all of this. I do not want to give the impression that she is a bad person, she is my best friend.

 

But, here's where it all went south. She has always had periods of anger, where she would be dismissive and generally a pain to be around. We don't argue because I am passive and would rather just shut down rather than engage her. She would make vacations, day trips, etc. so unbearable that I would just cut it short and go home. But, this has been the constant for about a year and a half straight, and much more extreme. She had gotten a job offer at an office with decent pay (her first "real job"). She would get depressed because, according to her, she would always screw up because she didn't know what she was doing. I would offer advise to help her, but she would say, "It's boring, I don't really care to learn." This is also her first real job with a diverse work force, cough, cough, with men. She engaged with a fellow there in what is to be described as an emotional affair. She would text him non-stop, to the point where we'd be in bed and I would be talking to her for a bit and she would stop looking at her phone, laugh and say "What?, I wasn't listening"...all the time. When we had to cut one of our vacations short, she took off to be with him once we got home. Then she asked for an open marriage, I was shocked and told her I wasn't interested.

 

At this point I would like to describe my behavior during this period. I would always listen to her and tell her I wasn't mad and tried to understand. I would try to solve her problems. She didn't like what she was doing, ok, then quit and go to school for something you want to do. I don't like my friends, I want new ones, ok, maybe start doing some activities or maybe you'll meet some at school. etc. You get it. She also started blaming me for her problems. You work too much, ok I'll change my schedule so we have more time (which meant less money and much worse working conditions for me, but I didn't complain). I would spend all of my free time with her, taking her out to shows (which she ruined), sailing, paint bar, whatever I thought she might enjoy. Then she says we don't do anything! This is when I start pulling my hair out!

 

Back to the open marriage thing. I tried to be understanding. We met very young, I get it. I don't like telling people what to do, and try to put my own emotions to the side to make others happy. I just said that I wasn't interested and that I would try to consider it when the opportunity arose for her, to see how I felt about it then. That dissolved when she told me it was the fellow from her work, because she had denied it previously. At that point I was so frustrated about putting my happiness aside for so long and putting in so much effort in making her happy that I was ready for a separation. I started sleeping in a different room then her and told her I would see a marriage counselor, but if not then it was probably over. She didn't think we needed a counselor and things cooled down and I moved back into the bedroom. About a month later she goes out with her friends and told me the next day that she "almost kissed a guy" whatever that means, and then started to get texts from a different guy. This COULD all be innocent as she says, it really could. But, she brought up an open marriage AGAIN!!! I told her to stop talking to this guy and she said she understood and would stop. Come to find out two weeks later, she was still talking to him!! But, she says that she told him that she was in a "serious relationship" and they were just talking after that.

 

At that point she realized that the marriage was in trouble. I needed space in a bad way. She said that she would move into the other room and I wouldn't see her. That didn't last one night. She would literally sit on the bed and stare at me. She quit her job, which I said was fine, but that she wasn't going to do nothing (we have no kids btw). She could try and find a job that she likes, go to school, get a certificate, join the Peace Corps... I didn't care. She told me that it would be great, that the house would be cleaned, dinner cooked, etc. Except that she didn't... she did make food, but I would clean the house on my days off and finish the laundry, do the errands.

 

Anyways, at that point I told her that she needed to go to her mom's house (I did offer to leave). Then I decided that I had enough and wanted a divorce. I attempted to "get it over with" and found a lawyer, but when I printed the documents and saw our names on there, and the thought of bringing her to court makes me sick to my stomach. Also at this time I met someone that is great and more compatible. I know terrible idea, but like I told her, I wish I had met her later in life. We are now dating and this is making my life extremely complicated. I am torn because I didn't plan for this. The life I had built was destroyed and wasn't planning on dating. My wife is promising me the world now. She acknowledges now everything that she has put me through and what I have sacrificed to try and save our marriage. She said that she has changed. The thought of getting my life back is tempting, and I don't want to lose my best friend, but I am also afraid that this other women is someone that will be a actual life partner. I like to think that I am aware enough to understand the difference between the real thing and greener grass. I am trying now to make everyone happy. I've given my wife a more favorable spit of the assets, bought her a car to get to new job, and am currently helping her find a new residence. I still feel responsible for her. The other woman is getting frustrated that I'm not breaking ties.

 

I'm here because I want to ask the advise of someone who has been in a similar situation. Everyone in my life is offering different advise based on their bias. I know this is a lot to read, but any advise would be appreciated, or words of support that I'm doing the right thing.

[bubbaganoosh]

Advice? Finish the marriage your in before you move on with another woman. If you don't want to be in the marriage any longer then divorce her and move on but you can't have it both ways.

 

You get a divorce then you don't have any excess baggage.

[Mr. Lucky]

Also at this time I met someone that is great and more compatible. I know terrible idea, but like I told her, I wish I had met her later in life. We are now dating and this is making my life extremely complicated. I am torn because I didn't plan for this. The life I had built was destroyed and wasn't planning on dating. My wife is promising me the world now. She acknowledges now everything that she has put me through and what I have sacrificed to try and save our marriage. She said that she has changed. The thought of getting my life back is tempting, and I don't want to lose my best friend, but I am also afraid that this other women is someone that will be a actual life partner. I like to think that I am aware enough to understand the difference between the real thing and greener grass. I am trying now to make everyone happy. I've given my wife a more favorable spit of the assets, bought her a car to get to new job, and am currently helping her find a new residence. I still feel responsible for her. The other woman is getting frustrated that I'm not breaking ties.

 

Congratulations, you've figured out a way to have two unsatisfying relationships...simultaneously. Wait, that wasn't your goal ???

 

No rocket science needed to understand why what you're doing isn't working. Rebuilding a marriage or establishing a new relationship with a life partner are both full-time jobs. Choose one and give it your all...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Popsicle]

You have got to be kidding me? You were all but done with your wife and ready to divorce UNTIL the other woman showed up, now you might want to stay with your wife?

 

Unbelievable.

[Popsicle]

Ask yourself why someone just can't bring themselves to treat you well during good times? Ask yourself why they can't treat you well (so they promise) until there are bad times? Is that really love?

[Ladyjane14]

Dump them both. The wife doesn't respect you or the marriage, and the girlfriend was willing to date a MARRIED man, which doesn't bode well for her respect of committed relationships either.

 

You sound like a decent guy. Get yourself into IC, work on you for a while, and hold out for someone who's truly deserving of the hard work you're willing to put in and whose values match your expectations going forward.

[coryreply]

You've created quite a mess for yourself, bro. Sorry you're going through it.

 

When your wife began an EA and started talking about an open marriage, that should have been your que that things were definitely not in a good place. MC should have been demanded at that point if she wanted to stay married to you. Your passive response to all of that was probably not the best way to respond.

 

You can't go back now, and things have gotten more complicated. I've always been a big believer in doing things the right way. I feel like things will always work out better in the long run. So, maybe ask yourself, at this point, what is the right thing to do?

 

If it were me, I would sidebar the gf and give my marriage another shot. If you go that route, total honesty and a commitment to MC from both of you would be a must.

 

Good luck.

[oldshirt]

So are you wishing you took her up on the open marriage offer now? LOL

 

but to be serious, I was supportive up untill the disclosure of your affair.

 

Here's the catch with affairs, affairs fill you full of all these exciting and feel-good hormones and you feel alive and vigorous again. But they make your brain glorify all of the positive traits of the AP but make you demonize all the traits of the spouse.

 

The laws of physics in affairs make people not think or feel clearly and make them rewrite history and not see or think clearly through the fog. It's like being drunk or on drugs in many ways. It decreases people's ability to think and act rationally.

 

So my suggestion is the same as several other posters above, cut it off from both women. Get away from both of them and dry yourself out from the affair hormones like an alcoholic drying out so they can think straight.

 

Once you don't have this OW rubbing up against you telling you how great you are and you aren't full of horny hormones, then if you still believe you are better off without your wife, then you can focus yourself on closing that book before moving on to anything else.

 

Yes you run the risk of the OW not being there, but you really don't have her now either so there's no real loss.

 

If it's truly not meant to be with your wife, then once she's legitimately gone, then you are truly free and clear to date and interact with whoever you whether it's this OW or someone entirely different.

 

If you have no safety net or back up plan and you still believe your life would be better off without your wife even though there isn't anyone else, then you probably are better without her.

 

But when you are full of affair hormones, your brain is so intoxicated and altered, you really don't know up from down.

[Marc878]

Stop the affair.

 

Take some time to reflect on what you want.

 

If you want to try and work it out with your wife give her a set timeline.

If it's not working out then man up and divorce.

 

If you've had enough then man up and move on.

 

You need to make some decisions and stick with them.

 

You seem like too much of a doormat for her to respect you.

[Waynester]

Putting your affair to one side for the moment.. I think the marriage itself has gone. You're describing your wife as a best friend, which is great and as it should be..but, it doesn't sound like to me that there is anything else? Are you 'in love' with your wife still?? The fact that you have had/having an affair suggest not.

If this is the case, then the marriage is done my friend. You stated yourself you are dissimilar in many ways and married to young.

Your wife may sound like a changed woman, but it's amazing how quickly people say they have changed when they stand to lose much I.e. their 'easy life'

You said itself, you worked hard, and she took what you made, without contributing anything significant herself. Quite the easy life.

 

It's easy to stand on the sidelines and offer advice, but if it were me...I would be looking to call it quits on the marriage, end the affair..and get my life, head and career straight!