Telling my wife I cheated

[Mr1oyalty]

Ok

short version:(for those who don't have much time)

Married 8 years.

I'm 28 and my wife is 27

one 8 year old daughter

I cheated on her almost a month ago and have not told her yet.

Going to tell her this week.

We all ready have an understanding and talked about honesty i vows so

not telling her is not an option.

 

I want to know what if anything would have made Dday worse if you are a BS? How do I avoid making it even worse? I have some Ideas from reading other threads. Lastly did you not want WS to be around after Dday should I be prepared to leave? Should I have her best friend near that day? Obviously my daughter wont be there.

 

 

Long Version (not necessary to give advice really so skip if too long)

I'm 28 and my wife is 27

Married 8 years

Last couple years where not the best but that's life.

Wife Overall is awesome and a beautiful person.

Me ...........not a good person but I try, usually am able to find ways to make good choices. Proof? Well I married my wife.

Past couple years we both have been very busy, wife had been helping run a new business with me.

I think just trying to make this business boom (it did) and me having a full time job while raising my wonderful daughter took a toll on us, wife more so.

 

(Some of this info is relevant to how my wife will likely see the affair)

Physically wife did somewhat let herself go, she says this herself and that I have gotten way more attractive over the years,

I am a really late bloomer and looked like a kid early on compared to her. I feel little things like this will make this all hit her even harder. Instead of building her up and making her feel secure in herself now I probably will just add to her insecurities.

Though I still find her attractive, I won't lie physically she is not what she was or could be, but this does not bother me at all really as I think it does her, she puts her energy toward other things lately and maybe I didnt show her how I appreciated those thing like I should have. Though she may have let her self go, she never, ever, let me go, as in she never stop having my back and this is very important to our history together. As well as financially she has been a beast. So if she wanted to take every thing I wouldn't fight her I would likely recover quickly either way.

 

It is well known in my circle of friends that I value loyalty above all, and sticking by my word. This is why no one would believe I would ever cheat on my wife, including her and me. In fact a girl at a party once said she knows just by looking at me that I'm a dog that goes a stray often and my buddy said no, if his wife was in jail for life he would probably

ask her if Palmela was off limits. My wife actually believes in this loyalty and is confident that I will do right by her. My daughter believes the same. To make matters worse, for me being a good father can not be separated from being a good husband because of how I raised my daughter so far. She knows mommy is my #1 and she is my #2, as I tell her

one day she will be a #1. As any man I wanted her to know when she is older what it means to be #1 so she does not except anything less. Obviously I just recently may have utterly destroyed all that. Sad, because whenever we play anything my daughter is always on her mothers team. I now cry just thinking I really did join another team against

my wife and daughter and its not a game at all.

 

So for the last year or so, a former (sent her to another buyer) client had become a little more flirty, and even though she is stunningly beautiful physically I never felt she was any danger to my marriage because it was not the first time and I (thought) know my self, I don't even entertain thoughts of cheating. Usually if she flirted I would find an excuse to

talk about how amazing my wife is and stuff like that. So after a while she seemed to get the picture. I think maybe I let my guard down because of that but next thing I know we had become close friends and I was what some might say "in love" (the feels/not the real thing) in the emotional sense feeling higher then ever, more connected, its like she understands without having to explain. She could literally talk to with me for 10 minutes and a dark day turns into California sunshine. The most attractive thing was she had a way to make me feel like a god, sick I know but I never claim to be good person, it felt so good just talking to her but that's when I figured I better get rid of her

as a client. Took some smoothing over with her but I did it with out any drama I still knew I wouldn't cheat anyway because I love my wife as in no matter what I will always put her over anyone (or at least in theory), even if they make me feel like a god or can me feel high as a kite.

 

But I remained focused on taking business to the next level. A little after I let her go as a client there was a get together

(really an all out party but this is how they put it out there) with all business owners and stuff like that and my wife was suppose to come and help make new business contacts etc.

Our business is closely tied to music and music technology industry. She didn't go because she had stuff to do the next day and we both had been up for over 24 hours already (business/sex) and I had been up 2 days or close to it.

I was downing monster energy drinks to make the drive. Once I was there I quickly seen it was pretty much a full blown party with music, drugs and all). Right away I noticed the OW/client I got rid of was there, I said hello and kept it moving, I guess I should have left then.

I stayed and chatted it up for a while with others and got a couple very important contacts. Even video chatted my wife, she woke up when she seen who I was chatting with, a local artist she loves.

Now I was very tired and was gonna head home sleepy with a head ache and all. Owner of place insisted I rest so he showed me a room (party is in a Mansion) I could rest in. So I set my phone timer for a couple hours and nod off.

Few minutes later it felt like I hear my former clients voice and her hands are already in my pants! and by the time I fully came to clarity and told her lets not do this she was already performing oral,

at that point I totally was turned on and awake and we had sex. The sex was unbelievable! But as soon as it was over every thing came crashing down

mentally, like a crash gasm after the orgasm. OW was going on and on about how amazing it was, once again any other time this would have been translated as making me feel like a god but in my mind I knew I

just stabbed my family in the back. OW was like background noise I may have had something like a panic attack. All I could think about was how my wife had been there for me, not always emotionally but she still had my back and would never stab me in the back like that.

The level of pain that I knew I just caused, I knew nothing would ever be the same. OW eventually caught on and asked whats wrong, my heart was now beating faster then

when we were actually having sex! She said she would never tell, and that she does love me but knows we could never be. At this point my mind was twisted up and I was angry at OW

and told her she is right even though she is amazing in many ways I love my wife and everything you (OW) do she (wife) does better. I was lying OW was actually better sexually, probably because she was so turned on

and that turned me on but I figured I done enough to make my wife look silly so I guess it was damage control or whatever you call it. I don't like any women to think they have one up on my wife (I know i am sick), so I said a few other harsh things

I regret. She was livid but knows for business reasons to keep her mouth shut. I apologized for the real harsh stuff later on that week. After I left the party I went home showered silently crying because I just was confused that I had done this to my family. I thought of how other woman made me feel like a god before and how

in reality my daughter always actually looked at me as a god whom she could trust and depend on to look after her and her mother. She thinks I am untouchable and infinite no lie and wont let anyone say different. All I could see was my wife breaking down. What do you do when the person who you think will watch your back stabs you in it, she had my back

and I stabbed her in hers. I kept thinking I would wake up or maybe there was a way to rewind time, the more insane I felt trying to wish this away the more I knew how hard this would hit my wife. To make it all worse I even told my wife frequently don't ever become one of those stupid women who accepts cheating. I am pretty sure its dark days ahead.

 

Any how I could not work up the courage to tell her then, also I knew I needed to clear my head to be prepared to do this in a way that suits her whether she wants to divorce me or not, I am 99% sure she will divorce me. I know its perverted how I can stab her in the back and now try to call 911 so to speak. So I looked up handling affairs and stuff. This all just made me see even more the damage I had done.

 

I wish I could not tell her but we both gave our word about this in our vows, so hiding it is not a choice. Maybe I can tell her its something terrible and she may not want to know, but I know her she will.

So I just want to know what is the best way to do this, how do you explain to someone that stabbed them in the back, and stepped on the heart they trusted you with ?

The hypocrisy I stand for is why I chose the name I did. I would be viciously against and ready to end anyone who would harm my family then i look in the mirror and its all so clear.

If anyone has any advise for how to go about this, or if your a BS please tell me is there anything that would have made it any less painful? Should I wait for her to ask give details or already have it all

written down? She already knows something is wrong and she has been go over and beyond for me doing more to try to please me and its only making what I did all the more despicable. I think she may have caught me crying or something, which would scare her as even when close family dies I never am moved to cry. I also lost more weight which may have scared her. She has been too perfect since affair and I guess I am getting the last preview of what I may never get again. We have never been this long with out sex, she never initiates and she has tried lately and I turned her down because I have not got STD results back so I any help will be appreciated as I have to tell her soon as I think I am only making things worse for her.

[malvern99]

I think you are making the right decision by telling your W the truth. Honestly, the best advice I can give you is to tell the whole truth. Confess bot the EA and the PA. TT kills more marriages than affairs. When you tell her, stick to the facts, and be prepared to answer her questions. I am not so sure about the moving out, but maybe a couple of days would be ok to give your W some space if she needs it. Others will provide you better advice on that. Also, do not call it a mistake.

 

After your confession, demonstrate your remorse through concrete actions, ie starting IC for yourself and finding information for your W if she feels she needs it, finding literature you can both read etc.

 

You may have made a terrible choice, but at least you are doing the right thing now. I wish you well.

[elaine567]

I think you need to say nothing, you need to swallow that guilt and if your STD tests are clear, then put this away and never talk of it ever again and thank your lucky stars.

YOU are very aware of what you did and if you know you will never repeat it or anything similar, then do not muck up your wife's life and especially that of your little girl.

"Daddy is a cheater, he said Mummy was #1 but she wasn't, I guess I am now #3. All men are not to be trusted, they say one thing and mean another."

 

BSs get damaged, the mind movies, the triggering and lack of trust carries on for years and years and years. This was essentially a ONS, do not throw away your marriage and your child by confessing here.

Reconciliation is tough and to my mind a waste of time, due to the hell it puts both parties through and for what? We have BSs here still triggering over cheating events after decades... I think they would have been a lot happier had they never found out/been told in the first place.

 

Serial cheaters definitely need exposed. But a sketchy EA and a one night PA, keep it under your hat.

 

IF your wife ever asks "Have you cheated?" then yes tell her - if you think she has a good chance of finding out from elsewhere, tell her - if your results come back positive then you have to tell her - if you want a way out of this marriage then tell her - but otherwise do not upset the apple cart here.

[World's.Edge]

This is really commendable. Not everyone would confess. Many would think really hard and do all sorts of mental gymnastics to find reasons not to. Though you were unfaithful, you respect your wife enough to know that you have to be honest with her. Lies and deception severly impact marriage and having to keep this a secret would affect you as well. You'd know every single moment that you are being untruthful with her. That's not easy to reconcile within one's self.

 

My advice would be to do it somewhere public, like a restaurant, with friends and family around.. terrible joke.

 

Have it somewhere quiet and isolated, maybe away from your place so that she doesn't associate your confession with where you live. Absolute honesty is paramount, no partial truths or misinformation. Answer any and all of her questions. Make sure that she has all of the information so that she can absorb and process it.

 

All the best.

[gettingstronger]

Read the pinned post "what every WS should know" at the top- it will help prepare you for what is in store-

 

Telling her is the right thing to do but try hard not to take too much "credit" for doing so- as in "well, at least I told you". This will be a really hard time for you guys but can also be a time to reset your marriage boundaries for years to come-

 

Good luck!

[truncated]

I read your post, and read it again to make sure I understood the lay of the land.

 

First, you need to tell your wife, as she deserves to know the truth, no mater what. Aside of that, the ow sounds like someone who gets off on being with guys she knows are married, and you can not trust her to keep things quiet.

 

Perhaps the best way to look at how to tell your wife would be to put yourself in her shoes and think of how you would want to be told. If you think you might have trouble getting it all out verbally, write it out and sit with her while she reads it. Be honest and ask her what she needs from you right now, and whatever that might be, give it to her.

 

 

Obviously, getting an std test is a must.

 

 

If there is any way that you can have a support system in place for your wife when you tell her, that might also be helpful, though she may not want to talk to anyone about it. Take responsibility for your choices and don't place the blame for this on your wife.

 

 

Lastly ( and I know this will not be a popular view) what the ow did was disgusting to me. If the roles had been reversed, and it was a woman who was not feeling well, was exhausted and maybe had too much to drink, had gone to bed and was asleep and a man did what this ow did, would that be okay? At best, they'd say she was being taken advantage of, at worst some might even call it "date rape" ...either way, it was wrong)

 

This ow sounds like she is quite sneaky and doesn't really care one bit about your feelings or thoughts. She used you for an ego boost without caring if it would wreck your life, hurt your wife or hurt your child. All she cared about was the ego stroke she was getting. I have a feeling that she will try and worm her way back into your life to get more.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Um... You do realize you were molested, right? If a woman woke up to a man with his hands down her pants and then performed oral sex on her after she said no, people would be screaming rape.

 

Sure, you eventually consented, but this started as assault. That isn't ok, not even a little. You need to tell your wife what happened, and you need to be accountable for eventually consenting, but I hope the woman hears your story and realizes that you are a victim too.

 

I mean, flip the story... If your wife said a guy she was a little too friendly with but rebuffed to avoid temptation stuffed his hands down her pants and gave her oral sex while she was sleeping and defenseless, would you think she had an affair or would you think she was raped?

[truncated]

Um... You do realize you were molested, right? If a woman woke up to a man with his hands down her pants and then performed oral sex on her after she said no, people would be screaming rape.

 

Sure, you eventually consented, but this started as assault. That isn't ok, not even a little. You need to tell your wife what happened, and you need to be accountable for eventually consenting, but I hope the woman hears your story and realizes that you are a victim too.

 

I mean, flip the story... If your wife said a guy she was a little too friendly with but rebuffed to avoid temptation stuffed his hands down her pants and gave her oral sex while she was sleeping and defenseless, would you think she had an affair or would you think she was raped?

 

 

Thanks for putting that much more succinctly than I did.

 

Most of the time a person who cheats is 100% responsible for their actions, but in this case, it's a little bit different...especially when you include in the fact that this ow knew you are ( were) happily married.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Thanks for putting that much more succinctly than I did.

 

Most of the time a person who cheats is 100% responsible for their actions, but in this case, it's a little bit different...especially when you include in the fact that this ow knew you are ( were) happily married.

 

Exactly. I read this and see a guy who was targeted by a sexual predator and not a guy looking for an affair.

 

She clearly took advantage of him. I get that he ultimately consented, but it was after she initiated while he was sleeping and forced herself on him when he clearly said no. I mean, this isn't even a case of morning-after regret or hindsight regret... She took advantage of him in the hopes he would get so worked up he couldn't/wouldn't say no.

 

I mean... This started as rape.

[truncated]

Exactly. I read this and see a guy who was targeted by a sexual predator and not a guy looking for an affair.

 

She clearly took advantage of him. I get that he ultimately consented, but it was after she initiated while he was sleeping and forced herself on him when he clearly said no. I mean, this isn't even a case of morning-after regret or hindsight regret... She took advantage of him in the hopes he would get so worked up he couldn't/wouldn't say no.

 

I mean... This started as rape.

 

Especially if there were drugs/ alcohol involved.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Especially if there were drugs/ alcohol involved.

 

Oh, for sure.

 

He was targeted and exploited. Maybe with the hope it would lead to something more, maybe for sport, but either way... I hope his wife sees it like that. If my husband told me this, my thought would immediately be that he was raped, not that he cheated.

[Lois_Griffin]

I get that he ultimately consented, but it was after she initiated while he was sleeping and forced herself on him when he clearly said no.

Oh please. A half-hearted 'let's not do this' to TWO SECONDS LATER enjoying the blow job and following it up with full-blown sex is HARDLY molestation.

 

Now if she held him down and continued against his will, you might actually have a point.

[truncated]

Oh please. A half-hearted 'let's not do this' to TWO SECONDS LATER enjoying the blow job and following it up with full-blown sex is HARDLY molestation.

 

Now if she held him down and continued against his will, you might actually have a point.

 

 

If the roles were reversed would it be different?

[elaine567]

If my husband told me this, my thought would immediately be that he was raped, not that he cheated.

 

He could have jumped out of bed outraged as soon as she laid her hands/her mouth on him.

Unless he is a 7 stone weakling and she is a 15 stone body builder then the option was always there for him to decline her offer.

But as he said at that point he was totally awake, turned on and they then had "unbelievable" sex.

Not the usual picture of rape...

[Redheaded Mistress]

Oh please. A half-hearted 'let's not do this' to TWO SECONDS LATER enjoying the blow job and following it up with full-blown sex is HARDLY molestation.

 

Now if she held him down and continued against his will, you might actually have a point.

 

He was asleep when it started and said no when ge woke up. She exploited him.

 

A woman wakes up to a man performing oral sex on her, it's rape. Same holds true for a man... Yes, men can get raped and rape doesn't stop being rape because he was aroused. He eventually gave in and he needs to answer to that, but this wasn't a sexual encounter he willingly sought out or started.

 

This idea that exploitation and rape only exists with brute force and violence is blanketly wrong. She was having sex with a sleeping man who's first words upon waking were "no." She took advantage, clearly.

[truncated]

He could have jumped out of bed outraged as soon as she laid her hands/her mouth on him.

Unless he is a 7 stone weakling and she is a 15 stone body builder then the option was always there for him to decline her offer.

But as he said at that point he was totally awake, turned on and they then had "unbelievable" sex.

Not the usual picture of rape...

 

He says himself he was exhausted, had been up for many hours straight, was at a party where there was lots of drugs and alcohol, ( he never says he didn't have any, so i'm guessing he did) , was feeling tired and ill and went to bed to sleep, alone. She followed him ( or found out where he was) and went in to where he was asleep.

 

The minute he said "let's not do this" he withdrew his consent and she should have left. By being intoxicated, he was, in effect, not able to give consent.

 

If it was a man who had done this to a woman, many would consider it rape if he didn't leave her alone. How is this any different? Just because he's a man, it's okay for her to have done this?

 

This one thing doesn't negate any of his previous actions, ad he was certainly having an emotional affair. The only thing it changes is this one act.

[truncated]

He was asleep when it started and said no when ge woke up. She exploited him.

 

A woman wakes up to a man performing oral sex on her, it's rape. Same holds true for a man... Yes, men can get raped and rape doesn't stop being rape because he was aroused. He eventually gave in and he needs to answer to that, but this wasn't a sexual encounter he willingly sought out or started.

 

This idea that exploitation and rape only exists with brute force and violence is blanketly wrong. She was having sex with a sleeping man who's first words upon waking were "no." She took advantage, clearly.

 

True enough.

 

Would anyone tell a woman in this situation that just because he didn't use brute force and violence that she wasn't raped?

[Redheaded Mistress]

He could have jumped out of bed outraged as soon as she laid her hands/her mouth on him.

Unless he is a 7 stone weakling and she is a 15 stone body builder then the option was always there for him to decline her offer.

But as he said at that point he was totally awake, turned on and they then had "unbelievable" sex.

Not the usual picture of rape...

 

The fact that we are saying a sleeping man is at fault for a sex act performed on him while he is asleep is throughly disgusting. The fact that we are implying that he is a weakling because it happened is beyond repugnant.

 

This is where it sucks to be a man. Women who have a story like this are victims. Men, they're just irresponsible weaklings because that's the only type of man who would be the victim to a woman... A sentiment that manages to insult men and women simultaneously.

[Redheaded Mistress]

He says himself he was exhausted, had been up for many hours straight, was at a party where there was lots of drugs and alcohol, ( he never says he didn't have any, so i'm guessing he did) , was feeling tired and ill and went to bed to sleep, alone. She followed him ( or found out where he was) and went in to where he was asleep.

 

The minute he said "let's not do this" he withdrew his consent and she should have left. By being intoxicated, he was, in effect, not able to give consent.

 

If it was a man who had done this to a woman, many would consider it rape if he didn't leave her alone. How is this any different? Just because he's a man, it's okay for her to have done this?

 

This one thing doesn't negate any of his previous actions, ad he was certainly having an emotional affair. The only thing it changes is this one act.

 

I don't think even by saying "let's not do this" he withdrew consent. That means he gave his consent sometime before he went to sleep and then he withdrew it. But he never gave that consent... And she knew as long as he was awake, he wasn't consenting to sex with her. She knew that, otherwise she would have initiated when he was awake.

 

He gave no Ok for the act while he was awake, and that non-consent extends to when he's asleep. So had no right to force sex on him while he's sleeping. She took advantage.

[autumnnight]

First, OP, I commend you for doing the right thing. And make no mistake - telling your wife IS the right thing. Do not let yourself be distracted away from that.

 

My advice is this: stick with the facts and YOUR behavior. Don't mention marriage problems, issues, stress, distance, etc. etc. YOU broke your promise to her, YOU take responsibility, You own it. And have a plan to restore trust with her that you will stick to.

[understand50]

He was asleep when it started and said no when ge woke up. She exploited him.

 

A woman wakes up to a man performing oral sex on her, it's rape. Same holds true for a man... Yes, men can get raped and rape doesn't stop being rape because he was aroused. He eventually gave in and he needs to answer to that, but this wasn't a sexual encounter he willingly sought out or started.

 

This idea that exploitation and rape only exists with brute force and violence is blanketly wrong. She was having sex with a sleeping man who's first words upon waking were "no." She took advantage, clearly.

 

Ok,

 

Past the debate about rape, I think the conciseness is that the OP did not go looking for this, and to some extent was a unwilling participant. This shows that each situation is different, so what we suggest should be tailored to them.

 

In this case, Mr1oyalty, as a Dday can be painful, I would keep this to yourself. Or if I did tell I would tell all to her, letting her know that this was a got drunk and woke up in bed type story. You are in the wrong, in that you placed yourself in a situation where this could have happened, but you are not the cold blooded cheater.

 

Your idea to tell your wife does you credit, and as you know her best, I would gauge what the impact of this will be on her. Your punishment may be that you have to suffer the guilt of what you did by yourself and alone. If you tell, I would lay out the steps you are going to take so that you never place yourself in a similar situation again. If drinking and drugs led you to this, you need to stop what ever it is. Be honest, why you lost self control, and wound up having sex. If you do not tell, I would wright out a letter detailing what happened, seal it is a way that shows when it was written, and produce it if this ever comes out. You may want to include what we say here. Point is, these thing do come out. What your wife will need is to know that this will not happen again.

 

I wish you luck......

[SoleMate]

I agree with the points above how this is not the usual extramarital A. The OW performed sex on a sleeping and non-consenting victim. Then the victim woke up and eventually consented (?). The legal situation becomes cloudy as soon as he took an active role, which it appears he may have done, although that portion of the narrative is ambiguous.

 

One thing I'd note, OP, is that your industry and business practices run rampant with situations and actions - heavy socializing and flirting with clients, music industry, late nights, drugs and alcohol in overnight mansion parties - that are a perfect storm for opportunities for EA and PA (and also sexual assault and taking advantage). If you stay in your same business without a major change in how you operate, you'll continue to be at risk.

[autumnnight]

He could have jumped out of bed outraged as soon as she laid her hands/her mouth on him.

Unless he is a 7 stone weakling and she is a 15 stone body builder then the option was always there for him to decline her offer.

But as he said at that point he was totally awake, turned on and they then had "unbelievable" sex.

Not the usual picture of rape...

 

And this is why men don't report.

 

OP, I do think you should tell your wife, but not for all the usual reasons alone. You also need her support because while you did make some bad decisions, you WERE also a victim.

 

I am interested to know,.....if the man were a 150 pound weakling and the woman was a large body builder....would the size make a difference? Or is it just a gender thing. Would we tell a woman that she should have jumped out of bed?

[ShatteredLady]

My H recently cheated. I can understand your wife. I'm not as thin & toned as I was. I had surgery last year & have scars. I know her. My logical brain knows I'm better than her (I'm not chasing married men for a start!) but my gut reaction was "Why does he find her more attractive than me? What's wrong with me?". No matter what you say your wife is going to beat herself-up. Make this incredibly painful thing as 'kind' as possible.

This wasn't your wife's fault! DON'T get into "We were busy & stressed. You've let yourself go." etc it's all completely IRRELEVANT. What she will hear is "He's blaming me!". That will start as pain & turn into a ton of anger & resentment at you! Own this completely. Tell the story from arriving at the party. If your W is like me feeling like the 2 of you can hate this woman together with REALLY help! DON'T say anything that could be taken as a compliment of the OW. She's a predator.

 

I'm one of those people who needs to know the whole picture. All the horrid details but let your W have that information as SHE NEEDS IT. I went into shock. Blind panic attack. Trying not to vomit. I needed time to compose myself & then another question would come to mind. I wanted him to hold me & say how desperately sorry he was (I also wanted to kill him!)...you will think you've said sorry a lot but you will of said lots of shocking sentences. Make sure you say "I love you more than anything in the world. I'm truly sorry!" many times!!

Even as the weeks, month passes I still need to ask questions. Everything has to make sense as I play it in my head. I wouldn't want my husband to offer to leave. The word "Leave" made my brain jump to "Leave for her?" even though it wasn't what he was saying.

 

It's ALL about your wife & your shame & guilt. Your W will need to get to angry to move along with this. Let her HATE the OW. Show how you hate the OW. Let her be angry at you. Promise you will spend the rest of your life making this up to her if she will give you the gift of continuing to be your wife & MEAN IT!!

 

Be honest!

 

PLEASE ignore any advise not to tell her. These things can eat you alive. The longer it takes you to tell, the longer you are 'cheating' for. You know something HUGE about your marriage & she doesn't. I needed to feel safe & secure. I needed a drink!! Don't tell W friends or family (for support) that's HER choice. The only person I needed support from was my H. Our 'torturer' is the only person who can 'treat' our wounds!

[elaine567]

The fact that we are saying a sleeping man is at fault for a sex act performed on him while he is asleep is throughly disgusting. The fact that we are implying that he is a weakling because it happened is beyond repugnant.

 

This is where it sucks to be a man. Women who have a story like this are victims. Men, they're just irresponsible weaklings because that's the only type of man who would be the victim to a woman... A sentiment that manages to insult men and women simultaneously.

 

Wait a minute, her hands in his pants woke him up and then the oral turned him on and he said he was wide awake when they had "unbelievable" sex. NO jury is going to convict there. This is not a man who feels he was raped. This is a man who given the opportunity to have sex with a beautiful woman he had long desired, in a safe environment where his wife would not find them. He took that opportunity.

He could have stopped the sex at any time, that was well within his power to do so, but he didn't. Rape victims whether male or female do not have that luxury.

 

Yes, some may call her a brazen hussy for her actions, but a rapist...

He never actually said he was drunk or consumed drugs, he said he had some monster energy drinks to stay awake, then crashed with tiredness.

Any man seriously intoxicated with alcohol is not going to be able to perform either.

 

Men get raped all the time and that is very sad, but men who have an EA and have willing sex with that same women, are not in my book, raped.