Telling my wife I cheated

[GorillaTheater]

If he owns his actions, he may have a shot at building a new marriage. If he in any way portrays himself as a "victim", a smart woman is going to throw him out on his ass.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Wow OP you opened up a can of worms with this one. I am in agreement this STARTED out as non consensual...but you then admit you ALLOWED it to happen, even ENJOYED it, describing it as AMAZING sex. There is no *rape* to be seen here. You could have got out of bed, but you didn't. You wanted it to happen. You also admit to an EA earlier with the same OW.

 

Your wife trusts you completely, she is going to be absolutely blindsided by this. You will knock the air out her lungs with this, and you must admit to ALL of your involvement with OW, not just the party sex. You must include the earlier EA, because if she finds that out at a later date it will crush any hopes for your wife ever believing you again. One lie discovered later will have her thinking what else has he lied about. Your wife is going to be devastated, please do NOT put any blame on her. You do kind of gloss over the fact she has let herself go a bit, whereas you have gotten better looking. That's your excuse/justification. You DO blame her in a way. She has put herself LAST to make sure YOU were happy and your business flourished.

 

Be prepared for her heart to break right in front of you. It's not going to be a pretty sight. You will have to endure seeing her pain. Do whatever she asks of you, if it means leaving, do so.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Wait a minute, her hands in his pants woke him up and then the oral turned him on and he said he was wide awake when they had "unbelievable" sex. NO jury is going to convict there. This is not a man who feels he was raped. This is a man who given the opportunity to have sex with a beautiful woman he had long desired, in a safe environment where his wife would not find them. He took that opportunity.

He could have stopped the sex at any time, that was well within his power to do so, but he didn't. Rape victims whether male or female do not have that luxury.

 

Yes, some may call her a brazen hussy for her actions, but a rapist...

He never actually said he was drunk or consumed drugs, he said he had some monster energy drinks to stay awake, then crashed with tiredness.

Any man seriously intoxicated with alcohol is not going to be able to perform either.

 

Men get raped all the time and that is very sad, but men who have an EA and have willing sex with that same women, are not in my book, raped.

 

This is the most disgusting, repugnant, and frankly ignorant thing I've ever read and you should be ashamed of yourself.

 

 

The implication that what happened was OK and he was asking for it because she was pretty and he thought she was attractive and his body performed an involuntary action does not trump the fact that she initiated sex with a man who was asleep, violated his personal space and his body, because all she was getting was "no" when he was awake.

 

 

He could have thought the girl was the most beautiful woman in the world, the fact is he said no. She knew it was a no when he was awake, and that no continues after he's asleep, and when he woke up he reaffirmed that he did not want to have sex. She knew he wasn't interested when he was awake, that's why she went after him when he was asleep. She fondled him, gave him oral sex, and hoped that his no, what she knew was a no, would turn into a yes.

 

 

This idea that because he didn't put up enough of a fight, that as a man he could fight her off and if he didn't he must want it, that because he got an erection from it, and she was pretty meant that he wanted it and is somehow to blame is disgusting. She initiated sex on a sleeping man she knew wasn't into it. Shame on her.

 

 

And if he was drunk, he wouldn't get an erection? Come on now, are you for real?

 

 

I get that the lynch mobs on here are relentless to those that strayed, but this is just beyond. The poor man had a woman seek him out like a sexual predator and touched him and initiated sex on him when he was asleep and thus unable to consent. He didn't seek her out, she trapped him and forced herself on him and hoped to get him to a point where he wouldn't say no. He needs to be accountable for eventually consenting, but what this started off as was a blatant violation.

 

 

Never, ever in a million years would somebody tell a woman who woke up to a man with his hands down her pants and performing oral sex on her that because she got wet and he was attractive that what happened wasn't a violation.

Edited September 1, 2015 by Redheaded Mistress

[Redheaded Mistress]

If he owns his actions, he may have a shot at building a new marriage. If he in any way portrays himself as a "victim", a smart woman is going to throw him out on his ass.

 

Any woman who throws him out over somebody seeking him out to imitate sex on him when he's sleeping in the hopes she'll stop hearing the "no" she heard when he's awake is a moron who he's ultimately better off without.

 

 

Would we tell a woman who was molested by a man she ended up having sex with that she'd better tread lightly and not claim to be victimized because that's an insult to her BH and he should chuck her out?

 

 

That really brings the ego and ridiculous Sainting of BS's here to a new high. There is no such thing as molestation or lack of consent, just you being an a-hole and stepping out on your spouse and spouses, if they say they were molested, throw their lying butts out. They clearly wanted it.

[elaine567]

This is the most disgusting, repugnant, and frankly ignorant thing I've ever read and you should be ashamed of yourself.

 

Oh dear, this is a slight overreaction.

In the words of that famous ad - Calm down dear.

 

No, I am not ashamed, I am just being sensible and pragmatic.

I frankly cannot see how you have come to the conclusion he was raped in the first place.

Nowhere, did he even suggest he felt violated.

His distress was caused by his actions in letting down his family and regret.

He even thought the OW was better sexually than his wife.

NOT many rape victims say that about their "rapist".

 

Your claim he was raped is totally ridiculous.

[fellini]

What ever you decide, you need to reconcile to "images" you have of yourself.

 

1: Fiercely loyal

2: Importance of looks

 

I've been married and in love with my wife for 20 years now. It shouldn't shock anyone to know that she was more attractive and more beautiful when I met her at 30 than she is now at 50.

 

But in spite of what you call "letting herself go", it has no effect on my attachment to her, because really all that attraction for physical aspects wears OFF real soon in a relationship. If for any reason I thought the trump card was physique over human attachment I wouldn't bother to be married.

 

Another issue I find strange is that the two of you set up a business together. For me it was the failure of having a joint purpose inside the relationship, a joint project in which to grow a business (for example) alongside maturing our marriage which allowed her to stray. As I believe Shirley Glass remarks, it's not that we compel our BS's to do too much around the house that drives them out, it's not including them ENOUGH that disconnects them.

 

So I'm saying whatever you do, is fine. Tell, not tell, but the person you really need to be more honest about is you to yourself. If you began to see your wife as "less desirable" this is probably more so because you began to hunt, not to be disappointed, and began to see woman whom in the past you FAILED to see because you were not looking for something on the side.

 

My guess is you essentially moved your emotional connections outside the marriage, and as you did, your vision of your wife, your marriage and everything became contaminated with your desire to explain your lack of loyalty.

 

If a beautiful woman got her hand down your pants it was not because her hand just somehow got there but because you wanted to be next to a woman you found to be attractive. Once you decided this, it was much easier for her to get her hand where it should not have been. Focus on you before you go looking for reasons for why you did this. Focus on what broke the spell of your marriage - and ask yourself if you truly are loyal, what does your wife's looks have to do with any of it - it's not like she became an ogre overnight right?

[Mr. Lucky]

If he owns his actions, he may have a shot at building a new marriage. If he in any way portrays himself as a "victim", a smart woman is going to throw him out on his ass.

 

Back on the subject of the OP's infidelity, agree with this. The first half of his post reads like any other cheater's self-serving validation for his actions. His depiction of his wife's appearance vs. his AP is telling...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Celestial-dreamer]

Ah geez, OP probably won't come back with all this squabbling. The facts are:

 

He had an EA with OW

He let her go....eventually

He went to a party, she was there. He admits there were times he should have left, but didn't

He crashed out in a bed

He was woken by said OW with her hands down his pants. He said NO.

She then proceeded to give him a BJ, he lost his resolve there and then.

He AGREED to sex.

He says it was AMAZING

There is no rape to be seen here.

OP has compared his wife and OW admitting OW is better in bed.

He has looked for justification by saying his wife has let herself go where as he has become better. OW is beautiful. OW is amazing in bed. Poor wife didn't stand a chance.

 

OP has asked for help in telling his wife he truth whilst minimising her pain. A very tall order, but at least he is remorseful and trying. Let's see how we can help him.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Ok, steps to helping him:

 

 

Step one, helping him understand that he's a victim here, because no means no and being asleep doesn't negate consent. That maybe having an EA with her doesn't give her permission to do what he did. To help him understand where the line between where he was control and where he wasn't occurred so he can deal with both incidents.

 

Step two, making sure he has support for himself so that he can deal with the feelings he's having post-encounter, understand them, and accept them as normal, and help him to resolve any guilt or pain or shame he may be feeling.

 

 

Step three, work with the counselor on how to best tell his wife.

 

 

Step four, everybody goes to counseling, together and alone.

 

 

Step five, avail yourself of some groups for men for support if needed, especially if his wife doesn't get what happened and how he's accountable for some of it, but not all of it and certainly not the initiation of it.

Edited September 1, 2015 by Redheaded Mistress

[oldshirt]

This was a consensual act of adultry so let's not pretend it is anything else.

 

His remorse and determination to make things right may be sincere, but in the moment he seized an opportunity for some extra poon.

[fellini]

Let's see how we can help him.

 

Stop imagining that his life is happening to him, and as such due to circumstances beyond his control he just woke up one day to find a woman's mouth around his penis.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Ok, steps to helping him:

 

 

Step one, helping him understand that he's a victim here, because no means no and being asleep doesn't negate consent.

 

He DID consent after she started the BJ. He even stated....the sex was amazing. The first part he said no to, but he didn't say no for long. He isn't a victim. He was FULLY aware of the situation, he was FULLY awake at that point.

[truncated]

Op,

does your wife have any family or other support system in the area?

i know it may be impossible to predict, but based upon her emotional nature, what do you think her reaction will be? Do you feel like you need to have some support there for you while you tell her?

 

Depending upon your situation, you may be well advised to have a neutral third party ( e.g.- a counselor) with the two of you when you tell her, if that is at all possible.

[oldshirt]

Now In regards to disclosing to your wife, if you are going to do that it needs to be something very well thought out, well planned and for the right reasons and preferably with professional guidance and supervision.

 

This isn't something you just come home from work and say, "I have some info for you.."

Please realize most of the people on this board are BS' s that have a passionate, deep-seated need to know the full truth of what their WS has done. Once someone knows a betrayal has taken place, that urge is understandable.

 

However the question that needs to addressed is will the disclosure benifit the marriage and will it benifit your wife??

 

That question should be addressed with a professional counselor through thorough, thoughtful and deliberate dialog with an IC and individual consultation with an MC and then if it is decided that disclosure is in the better interests of the marriage, then a detailed disclosure plan can be worked out and preferably moderated by the MC.

 

bottom line here is consult the services of professional counseling and guidance before broaching it with your wife.

 

I'm not advising you never tell her, I am advising you to seek professional guidance first and follow their advise and direction.

[coryreply]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, bro. My heart broke for you and your family while reading this. You all are in my prayers today.

 

We've seen some pretty bleak situations here on LS. My advice to you is to keep the faith in your wife and your marriage. She may leave you over this, and she would certainly have every right to do so. But she may stay and love you through the mess you've created for your family. You guys can have an even better, more solid marriage for having come through something like this.

 

If this second scenario is even going to be a possibility, when you tell her, I would give her your plan of action to make things right.

 

- Cutting off OW completely. No contact ever.

- Counseling, IC right away and then MC when wife is ready.

- Complete accountability going forward.

... just to name a few.

 

You will for sure need to give her the space she needs to process all of this and grieve what will feel like a death. Reconciliation will be a long, painful process.

 

It sounds like you really want to handle this in the right way. I commend you for that. Telling her is the right first step. Following through with the next steps will be just as important.

 

I think it's interesting that you seem to really get off on people looking at you like a god. Perhaps it's time for you, yourself to look up to God. He will be a source of strength and healing for you in all of this if you'll let him work in your life.

 

All the best to you. I'm pulling for you and your marriage. Hang in there!

[ShatteredLady]

It was my impression that the OP mentioned his wife's appearance because SHE feels very insecure about it & it WILL effect how she reacts. Nothing more.

 

I agree she was way, WAY out of line. If it had 'finished' with the BJ I would be saying rape but he said they went on to have amazing sex. That doesn't sound like coming in 2 seconds & being in shock.

 

I just posted a thread "Can ANY man resist?" & this is one of those scenarios (very extreme) that a lot of members were saying they WOULD avoid!! I wanted to know if any drunk man who was come onto hard would say "No thank you I'm married". The women I talked about did this kind of thing! For the W it's heartbreaking! Yes! She's a wh**e but she was fantastic in bed!! This is a 'real life' answer to my question!

 

Sorry OP it's the discussion & NOT your post that's upsetting me! I know you feel incredibly guilty.

[ShatteredLady]

Just in my opinion... The longer he keeps quiet the more upset I would be. The secrets & lies (he got home & I bet she asked how it went!) hurt so much!!

 

I'm a very private person. I'd be completely mortified if my H dragged me to therapy under false pretenses (more lies) to tell me in a clinical setting with someone watching!! to be honest even a therapist knowing before me would hurt. Even him posting here would hurt. The actual words he chose to use would kill me!!

 

This is going to be so painful. Would BS really of wanted all this stuff?? Maybe I'm just different...

[Mr. Lucky]

I just posted a thread "Can ANY man resist?" & this is one of those scenarios (very extreme) that a lot of members were saying they WOULD avoid!! I wanted to know if any drunk man who was come onto hard would say "No thank you I'm married". The women I talked about did this kind of thing! For the W it's heartbreaking! Yes! She's a wh**e but she was fantastic in bed!! This is a 'real life' answer to my question!

 

The 'real life' answer is that someone who values their marriage doesn't sleep over at parties with drugs/alcohol, they go home. Risk management at work...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

Just in my opinion... The longer he keeps quiet the more upset I would be. The secrets & lies (he got home & I bet she asked how it went!) hurt so much!!

 

I'm a very private person. I'd be completely mortified if my H dragged me to therapy under false pretenses (more lies) to tell me in a clinical setting with someone watching!! to be honest even a therapist knowing before me would hurt. Even him posting here would hurt. The actual words he chose to use would kill me!!

 

This is going to be so painful. Would BS really of wanted all this stuff?? Maybe I'm just different...

 

 

Working through this with a professional and then having that professional mediate the disclosure process is not false pretenses in any manner.

 

What I and some others are suggesting is doing doing this in a methodical and professionally guided manner rather than simply bumbling through it and hoping it goes ok.

 

What I am suggesting is basically what Verybrokenman' s wife did when she disclosed that she was stripping and doing webcam shows and having sexual encounters with female strippers.

 

She didn't lure him into a counselors office under false pretenses. She made no bones about the fact there would be some major things discussed and he knew something big was going down. But there was a professional there to guide the process and assist with some of the fallout and mediate the process.

[oldshirt]

......and this is assuming that the professionals determine that he should disclose this at all. They may determine it may not be in her or the marriage' s best interest to disclose.

[RecentChange]

Well - obviously we are all coming with advice based on our own experiences and emotional states...

 

I have been cheated on, and I have cheated. Personally, I think you should keep this to yourself - but I know that isn't a popular answer. And perhaps it wouldn't be right for you because you are so overwhelmed with guilt. I can tell you my partner didn't feel so torn up about his indiscretions and I wasn't over mine either...

 

But if you must tell.....

 

I think a professional would be a good idea, perhaps you don't need to drag her down there, but if YOU can get some counseling, and some guidance on how to handle this - that would probably be beneficial.

 

DON'T give any excuses - don't mention how you were both run down etc etc. Just don't.

 

This happened because you had an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR - that had been going on for a while, and you would have never ended up in bed with this woman if you hadn't.

 

Personally - I had bigger issues with the emotional affair aspect of my partner's cheating than the sex. MUCH bigger... but I do not put much importance / emotional investment in sex...

 

So if you are going to fess up - REALLY fess up. Getting drunk and F'ing some girl is one thing...

 

But this......"I know we had become close friends and I was what some might say "in love" - Your wife might be different, but for me - this right here is the problem, even more than sex.

 

That said - I didn't leave my partner, he wasn't a serial cheater. There WERE reasons why it happened, and I can accept that (and those reasons had nothing to do with ME) - we went to counseling, we worked through it. It was hard at first, but far from the end of the world.

 

I hope you two are able to work through this - and that you get some counseling to help you deal with it all, and recognize why it did happen etc.

 

Lastly, I understand feeling bad, but don't beat yourself into the ground over this. Get some counseling, deal with what happened...

[truncated]

......and this is assuming that the professionals determine that he should disclose this at all. They may determine it may not be in her or the marriage' s best interest to disclose.

 

 

The real problem with this is that he has zero control over what this other woman does, and there is every chance that she may decide to let the cat out of the bag and contact the wife.

 

there is also a chance that everyone who was at the party ( or at least some of them) may know, and his wife could find out that way.

 

It's better she find out from her husband than a stranger.

[Mr1oyalty]

Thanks for the advise guys. Some of it I absolutely didn't think of. I was not drunk or high precisely because of the risk of doing something stupid like what I did. I also don't do any of that because of my wife's past child hood. So out side of lack of sleep and monster drinks I was fully sober, if I was drunk off anything, it was pure lust. I didn't feel violated at all, that said I can see that if some guy came on to my wife like that I would be in jail already. As that kind of thing does something to a woman, even mentally that is doesn't do to a man. Don't want to focus on that though, I was totally in control outside of my own lust. I wanted her to stop initially because I didn't want to cheat at first i guess, it was more of a don't tempt me maybe. Hard to explain, but then I basically decided to just cheat at some point and it turned into just all out sex with me fully in control and probably the aggressor for most of it. Physically I could have stopped it, and was not afraid, OW just knew on some level I wanted it I guess but I rather not focus on that, its done.

 

 

Have it somewhere quiet and isolated, maybe away from your place so that she doesn't associate your confession with where you live.

 

All the best.

Thanks I didn't think about this at all. But definitely will heed this. Dont need ti make home a place of the worst memories.

 

If there is any way that you can have a support system in place for your wife when you tell her, that might also be helpful, though she may not want to talk to anyone about it. Take responsibility for your choices and don't place the blame for this on your wife.

 

Her best friend will be available that day. I don't really have anything to blame her for but she will blame her self which is what I am afraid of.

 

One lie discovered later will have her thinking what else has he lied about. Your wife is going to be devastated' date=' please do NOT put any blame on her. You do kind of gloss over the fact she has let herself go a bit, whereas you have gotten better looking. That's your excuse/justification. You DO blame her in a way. She has put herself LAST to make sure YOU were happy and your business flourished. [/quote']

 

I have not yet out right lied to her, so she wont have reason to believe I would lie about anything. She did ask about the party and I told I don't want to talk about it right now. She knows when I was on the phone with her during though I was having a good time. I don't blame her for letting her self go but I know that she feels this way about her self. She has brought this up and I could see at one point it bothered her and I did put those thoughts to rest at the time but now I know this will color the way she sees me cheating so I am somewhat prepared to assure her to what ever degree possible that it was not a reason that I cheated. In fact I will probably tell her that I know things were not the best because I overworked her and didn't show her enough how I appreciated that she had consistently been there, and instead of thanking her or taking her on a vacay and expressing this more often I cheated on her. I will likely also tell her that I that I love her and her alone. If ever I am to choose between anything and anyone it will be her, of course she will probably say I didn't choose her that night and I cant deny but I can say I chose her every moment since, I am not stupid enough to blame her though.

 

However the question that needs to addressed is will the disclosure benifit the marriage and will it benifit your wife??

 

I appreciate the intent behind those saying not to tell. I definitely fantasize about just taking what would be the blue pill matrix route so to speak and just watch my wife in an ignorant bliss. Ultimately though I have never deliberate sought to deceive my wife especially with forethought. Not to mention there is a woman who knows, she knows some intimate detail that my wife does not. My wife does not like looking like a fool even if she is unaware. I don't like it either, In fact when we discussed about secrets etc she told me she hated when as a kid someone put the little im and idiot stickies on her back and you don't know till some one is kind enough to tell you. We both made it clear that we would not hide anything like this from one another. Had I not given her my word and no one new about the affair but me I would keep it to my self. Neither of us is the blissful ignorance type so its out the window. Of course I will ask her if she still feels that way just before hand. However my hopes certainly are not up.

- Cutting off OW completely. No contact ever.

- Counseling, IC right away and then MC when wife is ready.

- Complete accountability going forward.

... just to name a few.

 

Will check into the counseling, there has always been accountability sadly. My wife has always had access to my everything she knows I don't really care if she snoops. She use to here and there but I guess eventually figured there was no reason. Well I guess now that will be just another thing I ruined for her in one freaking swoop. Some of you really make it hard though you are being honest saying how this will knock the wind out of my wife and all, I know all this is true but its like every time I am reminded my stomach curls and I think if I just don't tell her. I know I will but that just how I feel. I am just preparing myself to be ready to take what ever consequences come from this except what ever she feels she needs. But thanks all I am adding all the great advice into my plan to make Dday as less traumatizing as possible. I will talk to wife's best friend whom she really trust today, just let her know that I will need her to be there for my wife, that's all.

[oldshirt]

The real problem with this is that he has zero control over what this other woman does, and there is every chance that she may decide to let the cat out of the bag and contact the wife.

 

there is also a chance that everyone who was at the party ( or at least some of them) may know, and his wife could find out that way.

 

It's better she find out from her husband than a stranger.

 

 

Yes those are all legitimate risks.

 

So he'd best be making the appointments as soon as possible.

 

That way if the cat is let out prematurely, he will have some sessions already documented and can show that it was being addressed and that it hadn't gotten to the disclosure point yet. This is opposed to doing nothing and having her simply assume he hadn't told her yet because he was trying to get away with it.

[HurtOfGlass]

I think you need to say nothing, you need to swallow that guilt and if your STD tests are clear, then put this away and never talk of it ever again and thank your lucky stars.

YOU are very aware of what you did and if you know you will never repeat it or anything similar, then do not muck up your wife's life and especially that of your little girl.

 

Sorry for the threadjack.

 

My God! You constantly advise me to come clean to my fiancee about a past that has nothing too do with her (also accusing me of myriad other things that are simply not true), yet here you are giving the complete opposite advice.

 

Really amazing!