Telling my wife I cheated

[Mr1oyalty]

Wow, I really want to commend you for how you've conducted yourself after the A buddy. As a recently BS if my wife would've acted the way you have it would be so much easier to accept and move on with to try and R.

 

She may not be speaking to you about them but trust me they are there. I still get woken up at 2am with bad dreams and lay in bed until my alarm goes off running the text messages and piecing things together in my mind picturing the two of them together.

 

As a BS I encourage you to pay close attention to her, if she seems a little off and withdrawn ask her what's on her mind. Then listen completely apologetically, remorseful and supportive. I find this helps me, talking about it helps me to process it. She's really going to need your strength (which you clearly have lots of) going forward, be there for her. Put her as your first priority with everything.

 

I really hope you guys work it out.

 

Appreciate the advise, yes she tells me about her dreams and thoughts, she knows I want to know what she is thinking and feeling, and her behavior has me watching her close. I have not really been sleeping well so I caught her straining and tensing up and when I woke her she said "you are never going to any parties alone ever!" So I pretty much try to reassure her of everything in the morning now before I leave.

[Celestial-dreamer]

No downer at all, that is why I am here. I love your honesty, it may be what helps me to help her before she feels that way or at least make things easy as possible for her. I am happy you comment what you feel, your perspective, and experience so I can look for things that may possibly help my wife.

Its not really a change in her emotions though to where I would say she is up and down. I can best describe as "intensity" I don't know about panic but maybe the blind part I can't say. It is when she is all over me telling me that she loves me that she might have shed a tear, she often may be smiling too, then there are times when I will hold her and tell her I know I f###** up and she will start kissing me telling me I got this don't worry, she will sing to me, which she knows I love. She is not crying like sniffles or "facial" crying, the last I saw that was Dday. Yesterday I seen her looking at my phone and when I sneak up on her and hugged her she turned around and teared up and told me not to let anything come between us, she then laughed and said she needs to teach me what it looks like when a woman is flirting cause I am a total idiot. Also she is like a dream wife more so now then ever before, she even has my daughter on cloud 9 right now with them both singing and smiling. While I am worried and watching for the next step I must say even if this is a stage it is one moment and feeling I will never forget. Does this sound familiar to you? Did you blow your H away for a while after Dday? Do you remember something like this? What was next? More details as to how you transitioned emotionally would be appreciated.

 

Also its beyond commendable your dedication to your vows, you sound like an awesome person and I am sure your H enjoyed having you in his corner for however long it lasted. If my wife was to leave at this point it would not be so bad if that was the better choice for her well being. In fact if years from now she was in pain or just wanted out I would be here asking how to make the (D) easy on her and my daughter. Hopefully that is not the case but know one knows the future or even if we will be here for it. I try to take it moment by moment.

 

In the end it came down to the fact I never got over it, I knew in my head/heart/body and soul he had poisoned our M. It became like a bad smell you can never get rid of. Always there, even if you *get used* to it. No amount of air freshener will mask it. Just trying to give you some kind of insight here. What your getting from her right now isn't real. It's the shock of your betrayal, she is in fight mode as a previous poster stated. She is trying to prove to you she is better than OW, if you can understand that? Hard to explain but when your SO cheats you feel all kinds of bad. Why wasn't I good enough? what did I do wrong? It matters nothing that you say she is the best wife ever, as that didn't stop you doing the nasty to her. So to me (maybe she hasn't hit this part yet) that says no matter how good of a W she is, it still wasn't good enough. You still wanted OW, and your previous post states, OW is beautiful, and was amazing in bed. Your own words. Your W will hear that in ways you wouldn't ever know. It hits HARD. To the point I am now swore of relationships. I just can't trust again. Yeah....it DOES hit that hard. You fellas aren't worth the pain you give us faithful ladies. We're just not good enough Maybe your W will skip over all the emotions every other BS seems to hit, maybe she is special. Maybe.

[ShatteredLady]

Although I see a lot of myself in your wife, her reactions, behavior, your descriptions etc. our situation & my H's behavior & A was very different.

 

It was a completely EA. It was a crazy fantasy. He lied to her about so many things...an atheist quoting the bible! He became a completely alien person. The problem is I was being hit with more than I could handle at the time. I nearly died & had emergency surgery. A close friend lost his mind & killed his family. My father nearly died & is loosing his memory after my brother committed suicide etc etc etc If I was writing a novel my editor would tell me to cut parts out because it was so unbelievable!!

 

I was deeply depressed & self critical. He told me all my worst thoughts about myself were true! He was ALIEN! If I'd been more 'myself' I would of recognized his crisis MUCH sooner before most of the damage was done.

 

Things made a lot more sense once I discovered the A. My H has only been cruel twice in 25 years. Both times he was having an A with the SAME woman!! Both times were the only times he's been medicated on antidepressants. Can you tell I've made 'excuses' to keep my family together?

 

Other than my feeling as a BS I really can't advise much because my situation is so different. If my H had been like you I would find it much easier to forgive. The first time my H cheated (it's WORSE 2nd time!!) I TRULY forgave & forgot. It would flash in my brain a couple of times a year & pass.

 

My health has gone from bad to worse.... (After reconciliation which makes it a little easier. I wouldn't be still married if I'd found out I had cancer BEFORE he split with her. I couldn't take the doubt.)

 

To be honest, in answer to your question, YES! It's changed some of the things I say. I can't write "Lovely Lady" to my friend, I feel very insecure about expressing myself. Because of all the lies & trickle truth I doubted my own sanity. This is recent so I still fear he will (again) mock my pain to the OW even though I know it's over & was never real.

 

Reading your emails would of been easier on your W than me reading my H's!!

 

Sorry, I'm rambling now! Anyway....very different situation!! I'm mostly advising you based on my past experience & the 'similarities' I noted between myself & your W. I'm a fighter!! Only my H knows my insecurities.

 

DON'T EVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS AGAIN!!! Spend the rest of your life remembering that your W is "BETTER than sliced bread!!".

[Mr1oyalty]

In the end it came down to the fact I never got over it, I knew in my head/heart/body and soul he had poisoned our M. It became like a bad smell you can never get rid of. Always there, even if you *get used* to it. No amount of air freshener will mask it. Just trying to give you some kind of insight here. What your getting from her right now isn't real. It's the shock of your betrayal, she is in fight mode as a previous poster stated. She is trying to prove to you she is better than OW, if you can understand that? Hard to explain but when your SO cheats you feel all kinds of bad. Why wasn't I good enough? what did I do wrong? It matters nothing that you say she is the best wife ever, as that didn't stop you doing the nasty to her. So to me (maybe she hasn't hit this part yet) that says no matter how good of a W she is, it still wasn't good enough. You still wanted OW, and your previous post states, OW is beautiful, and was amazing in bed. Your own words. Your W will hear that in ways you wouldn't ever know. It hits HARD. To the point I am now swore of relationships. I just can't trust again. Yeah....it DOES hit that hard. You fellas aren't worth the pain you give us faithful ladies. We're just not good enough Maybe your W will skip over all the emotions every other BS seems to hit, maybe she is special. Maybe.

 

I hope you don't actually feel that you are not good enough just as I would hate for my wife to feel that way when the opposite is true. I hope in self reflection it becomes easy to see the obvious. BS's leave reality too after Dday if you even ponder the validity of such thoughts you have left reality. In reality you were an adequate dedicated spouse, I and many WS's have proven inadequate and not good enough. IMO many BS can know when their WS has hit reality because the untrue feelings of a BS are things the WS will feel only it will be undeniably true. The WS often is proven an inadequate parent and spouse, obviously we are not able to keep our vows yet the BS leaves reality with the delusional WS and starts thinking illogically. Stay in reality, you are too good if anything! and I am certainly grateful for the knowledge! Hopefully this all will help me get it together and keep it together for my wife or maybe STBXW.

[Mr1oyalty]

Although I see a lot of myself in your wife, her reactions, behavior, your descriptions etc. our situation & my H's behavior & A was very different.

 

It was a completely EA. It was a crazy fantasy. He lied to her about so many things...an atheist quoting the bible! He became a completely alien person. The problem is I was being hit with more than I could handle at the time. I nearly died & had emergency surgery. A close friend lost his mind & killed his family. My father nearly died & is loosing his memory after my brother committed suicide etc etc etc If I was writing a novel my editor would tell me to cut parts out because it was so unbelievable!!

 

I was deeply depressed & self critical. He told me all my worst thoughts about myself were true! He was ALIEN! If I'd been more 'myself' I would of recognized his crisis MUCH sooner before most of the damage was done.

 

Things made a lot more sense once I discovered the A. My H has only been cruel twice in 25 years. Both times he was having an A with the SAME woman!! Both times were the only times he's been medicated on antidepressants. Can you tell I've made 'excuses' to keep my family together?

 

Other than my feeling as a BS I really can't advise much because my situation is so different. If my H had been like you I would find it much easier to forgive. The first time my H cheated (it's WORSE 2nd time!!) I TRULY forgave & forgot. It would flash in my brain a couple of times a year & pass.

 

My health has gone from bad to worse.... (After reconciliation which makes it a little easier. I wouldn't be still married if I'd found out I had cancer BEFORE he split with her. I couldn't take the doubt.)

 

To be honest, in answer to your question, YES! It's changed some of the things I say. I can't write "Lovely Lady" to my friend, I feel very insecure about expressing myself. Because of all the lies & trickle truth I doubted my own sanity. This is recent so I still fear he will (again) mock my pain to the OW even though I know it's over & was never real.

 

Reading your emails would of been easier on your W than me reading my H's!!

 

Sorry, I'm rambling now! Anyway....very different situation!! I'm mostly advising you based on my past experience & the 'similarities' I noted between myself & your W. I'm a fighter!! Only my H knows my insecurities.

 

DON'T EVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS AGAIN!!! Spend the rest of your life remembering that your W is "BETTER than sliced bread!!".

 

My heart goes out you and I have to say, your just a freaking superhero! Also, yes my wife definitely can relate. Don't worry about the rambling as I needed that even if just for inspiration when and if things go crazy sooner or later. No I don't think it necessarily is making excuses sometimes its doing what you feel you have to. Like your husband though, My wife the year before we got married had a reaction to medication that left me with a scar to this day and the thing is she just recently is actually is able to recall parts of what happened. I believe something awesome will come of your trials if not just the fact that you are more then a fighter but a winner apparently. I hope things get better for you!

[Celestial-dreamer]

I hope you don't actually feel that you are not good enough just as I would hate for my wife to feel that way when the opposite is true. I hope in self reflection it becomes easy to see the obvious. BS's leave reality too after Dday if you even ponder the validity of such thoughts you have left reality. In reality you were an adequate dedicated spouse, I and many WS's have proven inadequate and not good enough. IMO many BS can know when their WS has hit reality because the untrue feelings of a BS are things the WS will feel only it will be undeniably true. The WS often is proven an inadequate parent and spouse, obviously we are not able to keep our vows yet the BS leaves reality with the delusional WS and starts thinking illogically. Stay in reality, you are too good if anything! and I am certainly grateful for the knowledge! Hopefully this all will help me get it together and keep it together for my wife or maybe STBXW.

 

I don't FEEL it...I KNOW it. I've had 3 relationships, all ended badly. So yeah it must be me who is the problem. My exH told me so. I know it's hard to believe but I am still and have been single for the last 10 years. No-one has gotten in, TBH with you, no-one has tried. This is what betrayal does to a person, they always doubt themselves, it IS their fault they weren't good enough and NOTHING you or anyone else can say will ever change what my mind/heart/body/soul knows. No-one will ever get my heart again, you guys aren't worth the pain. It stays with someone, it's a very real scar, you just can't see it.

 

As for you W, as I said just watch and wait. Read up on the stages.....understand this is FAR from over. It's only just begun.

[sandylee1]

Mr. L

 

You are one of the very best WSs I have ever seen anywhere. If there was ever any infidelity I would forgive, it would be with a very remorseful truthful person like you.

 

Remember that some women don't have an issue with you being married. They are okay being an AP for years on end. Keep them at arms length and just let them know if they continue, you'd be happy to pass their number on to your wife. I know someone who did this. He called his wife and said 'someone is trying to take your husband, do you want to speak to her?' This was in a country where women throw themselves at wealthy men.

 

I think your honesty has really helped things with your W.

Good luck

[Mr1oyalty]

Well I got more information out of her finally. We got in an argument over work which explained a lot for me but also came with the realization that I may have flushed my dreams down the toilet. Its rare you can have the wife and life of your dreams, I was so close and risked them both .

 

In short, I basically turned our future dreams into her future nightmare. She now hates where we are headed business wise. She does not want to be the reason I don't achieve my goals or enjoy my passion and work though, so she kept her mouth somewhat shut until now.

 

Another part of the reason she didn't say anything is because the OW was so passionate about the same things as me, and just as passionate about my opportunities in both the music and the technology side of the entertainment business. To my wife, that is a major part of why I clicked with the OW (which is true) and she is jealous of that bond. So she doesn't want to look like the bad guy now being the one stopping me from achieving my goals. Whats even more messed up is my wife tells me now she never really was into it (the business) so much as she was into me. This is the moment when I knew I was worth fertilizer even before the A. Her joy came by me succeeding and her being there with me helping me because she loves me, now its all a bad taste to her because of the A. She wants NOTHING to do with it any more, EVER. She feels she will never be comfortable with me in the business because of the women and morals. She would rather just stay solely on the technology side of things or do something else altogether as it is financially possible. She says she has panic attacks when I am out on any music related business. So that pretty much is the nail in the coffin as far as me continuing as planned as she does not lie. Unless she is in the anger phase as some of you say and things have changed.

 

 

I told her its my fault if we have to take another path or make other goals because of my A. This whole thing cost so much more then it was worth. Worst part is my W is in many ways trapped and forced to deal with so much just because she always tries to support me. To think as much as my wife has always been willing to just about throw away her life for me a part of me is resistant and seeking away around leaving some goals behind. If any body is reading this and they are with someone faithful and honest I suggest you wake up every morning and remind yourself what they are worth, because otherwise you can become unknowingly unappreciative and the next thing you know their life is upside down because you took them for granted. Thanks all for the help and support everyone, I know its not over until its over. Actually it appears things are still falling apart in some ways but I am hopeful anyway at least for W sake.

[nightmare01]

IF you want to keep your marriage and your wife, then you need to find a way to make her feel that she is your NUMBER 1 beyond any doubt.

 

One of the many mind poisons we BS are subjected to is the "am I plan B?" question (mind ****). You need to find a way (you know your wife best) to put her on the pedestal and your OW in the dumpster.

 

Change the direction of your career. Focus on new challenges that you have nothing in common with the OW. Throw the OW under the bus, trash talk about her, and open yourself up to your wife completely.

 

Drop everything you have in common with your OW and never speak of it again.

 

How much do you want to save your marriage? How much do you love your wife? Do you love her enough to actually do WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES to win her back?

[Mr1oyalty]

I don't FEEL it...I KNOW it. I've had 3 relationships, all ended badly. So yeah it must be me who is the problem. My exH told me so. I know it's hard to believe but I am still and have been single for the last 10 years. No-one has gotten in, TBH with you, no-one has tried. This is what betrayal does to a person, they always doubt themselves, it IS their fault they weren't good enough and NOTHING you or anyone else can say will ever change what my mind/heart/body/soul knows. No-one will ever get my heart again, you guys aren't worth the pain. It stays with someone, it's a very real scar, you just can't see it.

 

As for you W, as I said just watch and wait. Read up on the stages.....understand this is FAR from over. It's only just begun.

 

You are right no one can change an individuals mind, no matter what someone says its up to them. Just like you can't change my mind that you have one of the most valuable traits when it comes to meaningful relationships. I don't fault you for not being willing to risk the pain. You may very well be right most guys may not be worth the pain including my self I won't argue with you there. I know of 7 marriages in which at least 3 husbands cheat "casually" as one put it, at least 2 women have cheated and 4 are willing to cheat with me. This may be a reflection of environment too I must say but I often wonder if the BS's here are seeing things from so much a hurt point of view or just closer to reality.

[Mr1oyalty]

IF you want to keep your marriage and your wife, then you need to find a way to make her feel that she is your NUMBER 1 beyond any doubt.

 

One of the many mind poisons we BS are subjected to is the "am I plan B?" question (mind ****). You need to find a way (you know your wife best) to put her on the pedestal and your OW in the dumpster.

 

Change the direction of your career. Focus on new challenges that you have nothing in common with the OW. Throw the OW under the bus, trash talk about her, and open yourself up to your wife completely.

 

Drop everything you have in common with your OW and never speak of it again.

 

How much do you want to save your marriage? How much do you love your wife? Do you love her enough to actually do WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES to win her back?

 

I needed this, and I will do whatever it takes its just the feeling of fighting just to give her less then what she deserves. Win her back for what, so she will be "OK", that is the reality I have to come to terms with what I have done. Someone who should be on Cloud 9 but I snuffed that out I think. Right now I will lie to my self if necessary thinking I could get her there but your right I know I have to leave no doubt in her mind that she is all that matters.

[nightmare01]

I needed this, and I will do whatever it takes its just the feeling of fighting just to give her less then what she deserves. Win her back for what, so she will be "OK", that is the reality I have to come to terms with what I have done. Someone who should be on Cloud 9 but I snuffed that out I think. Right now I will lie to my self if necessary thinking I could get her there but your right I know I have to leave no doubt in her mind that she is all that matters.

 

You can't heal her. You broke her, but you can't put her back together. As hard as it is for both you and her to understand, she has to fix herself.

 

And she will. She will heal. In fact there is nothing she can do to prevent herself from healing. Time pushes us forward and the past - while still very much present at times - becomes the past. She will come to understand that there is nothing in the present that she (or you) can do to change the past. In many ways, healing comes down to acceptance. It happened. And there is nothing she can do about it. She didn't cause it. She didn't bring this on herself. But she has to live with it. Your affair just IS, and really all she can do is accept it, and then choose to move on.

 

Now, whether she moves on with, or without you is a different question. That is something you might be able to influence. If you show empathy. If you work on yourself and fix the things that made your affair a possible choice that you made.

 

If you change the direction of your life by moving in a direction away from and opposite to your OW. Stop the activity that you and OW shared - and NEVER bemoan having lost it. Stopping that activity is not a punishment, it's a consequence. Just as being open with all communications so you are transparent to your life.

 

No lying. AT ALL. Even about stupid little things.

 

Your wife's pain and having to heal herself is her consequence of your actions. Are you man enough to not only accept but embrace your consequences? Do you really have the stones to do what it takes to win your wife back?

[Celestial-dreamer]

Well I got more information out of her finally. We got in an argument over work which explained a lot for me but also came with the realization that I may have flushed my dreams down the toilet. Its rare you can have the wife and life of your dreams, I was so close and risked them both .

 

In short, I basically turned our future dreams into her future nightmare. She now hates where we are headed business wise. She does not want to be the reason I don't achieve my goals or enjoy my passion and work though, so she kept her mouth somewhat shut until now.

 

Another part of the reason she didn't say anything is because the OW was so passionate about the same things as me, and just as passionate about my opportunities in both the music and the technology side of the entertainment business. To my wife, that is a major part of why I clicked with the OW (which is true) and she is jealous of that bond. So she doesn't want to look like the bad guy now being the one stopping me from achieving my goals. Whats even more messed up is my wife tells me now she never really was into it (the business) so much as she was into me. This is the moment when I knew I was worth fertilizer even before the A. Her joy came by me succeeding and her being there with me helping me because she loves me, now its all a bad taste to her because of the A. She wants NOTHING to do with it any more, EVER. She feels she will never be comfortable with me in the business because of the women and morals. She would rather just stay solely on the technology side of things or do something else altogether as it is financially possible. She says she has panic attacks when I am out on any music related business. So that pretty much is the nail in the coffin as far as me continuing as planned as she does not lie. Unless she is in the anger phase as some of you say and things have changed.

 

 

I told her its my fault if we have to take another path or make other goals because of my A. This whole thing cost so much more then it was worth. Worst part is my W is in many ways trapped and forced to deal with so much just because she always tries to support me. To think as much as my wife has always been willing to just about throw away her life for me a part of me is resistant and seeking away around leaving some goals behind. If any body is reading this and they are with someone faithful and honest I suggest you wake up every morning and remind yourself what they are worth, because otherwise you can become unknowingly unappreciative and the next thing you know their life is upside down because you took them for granted. Thanks all for the help and support everyone, I know its not over until its over. Actually it appears things are still falling apart in some ways but I am hopeful anyway at least for W sake.

 

Ahhh so in a nutshell, she gave up HER wants/needs/dreams etc to make sure YOU were always happy, got what YOU want, YOU were successful.....and she was faithful, truly loved you, the PERFECT wife, yet you STILL cheated on her. What's wrong with you? As I said, even being the perfect W equals NOTHING. You are now finding out these little things she is saying, your actually HEARING her for once, but it is starting to snowball....the avalanche is coming. As you say, you are now seeing what you destroyed for one night with a w***e. You have poisoned all your W has worked so hard for, you have poisoned yourself, every part of her life is tainted. You ruined the M, her family, her work, her entire everything.....and for what? an orgasm? You knew BEFORE you did it it wasn't worth it, yet you still CHOSE to, you need to figure out why you let yourself and OW do that.

[ShatteredLady]

Hi again. I think deep down you knew things were going to get a lot worse. After the 'nightmare bollocks' you did everything you could to be honest & as gentle on your wife as possible.

That fact remains, the stronger the love, the bond, the life, the further a wife has to fall & the more destructive the impact is.

 

SandyLee1 wrote this, "You are one of the very best WSs I have ever seen anywhere. If there was ever any infidelity I would forgive, it would be with a very remorseful truthful person like you."

 

I can understand this perspective but reading your story broke my heart. If YOU can do this how does a woman have blind faith in anyone? If a strangers post on the Internet hurt me I can only imagine what the reality has done to your wife.

 

When I was very young I'd grown-up with a very dear friend. He was the most moral, dedicated man. He was dedicated & obsessed with his career of being a session musician & eventually owning his own studios (haha you might even know him!).

 

The night before he left UK for California to play/record an album with a very famous rock band making a come back we had a heart to heart. He confessed he had always loved me since we were children (very Wuthering) & asked me to come with him. honestly, I was very tempted.

Even back then I knew the reality of what my future would be. I completely 'got' the movie Rock Star.

When he returned for a vacation 6 months later he was so very changed. Smoking, drinking, long rock star hair. Hahaha. He was still 'him' but he'd already had a life of experiences I knew I didn't want.

 

Your wife has agreed to support you in a journey that takes you into a different world. A world where most human beings are seen as commodities or disposable entertainment. She's a smart lady. I bet she knew, more than you, where you were going & decided that if you 'held eachothers hands very tight you might not get lost.' That was my 'friends' line.

 

You let go of her hand for one night & look what happened! it's a dark industry. Look at Sharon Osborne & all she's done to fullfil that mans dreams & she still says "No Girls!" to her 60+ year old husband when he goes somewhere without her!

 

I worked in the corporate side of the drinks industry. Just writing contracts etc. & I know what goes on there. You've chosen to move your business into a field that's EVEN worse!!

 

TOGETHER you need to do a LOT MORE TALKING!!

 

She's dedicated her life to YOU. I've said before I feel a connection with her. I make huge life altering sacrifices for my husband. My life is his life. Most people will tell a woman that's a monumental mistake. I never thought of it like that UNTIL D-Day. I completely understand what she's feeling. When your joy is from another's fulfillment & they betray you it turns their whole life to s**t. Not just their marriage like most. EVERYTHING!

 

Please remember this is still just the start. You have an amazing woman. She's still holding your hand. You're an incredibly lucky man. Deserve it! Earn it!

 

Wow! I've rambled a lot again. Let me read what I've written & you've said again...

[ShatteredLady]

Being a woman who derives a lot of joy & satisfaction from supporting & driving my H's ambition & dreams ISN'T A BAD THING! Working together on a fantasy (doesn't matter who's fantasy it starts as) can be a wonderful thing. You described yourself very negatively over this & I don't think you should.

 

It's not my husbands fault I'm living in the USA thousands of miles away from my family & friends. It's NOT my H's fault that I left my very successful & fulfilling career to help him discover & build his. They were MY choices!!

 

Somewhere along the line 2 individuals became "US". I got a lot more joy from being "US" than I ever did being "ME". When my heart was broken I saw "US" as a huge mistake. Everything was a selfless sacrifice. That's NOT TRUE!! It felt very true at the time. It's my life & I could of said "No!" at any point of the journey.

 

I need to know that "Us" is more important to my husband than he is to himself. There is nothing more selfish & cruel than infidelity in a situation like this. The truth is you did it for YOU. It was all ME. The problem is it appears like the "Us" was replaced with a new "Us" (you & OW).

Your fantasies & dreams could be BETTER with that new "Us". The OW shared the passion for the new direction you wanted to go. Everything you want could be better if you simply substituted the woman in the "Us".

Can you imagine anything that could make your wife feel less? She can give EVERYTHING, her whole life & be swapped out so simply. She's nothing.

 

That's what you're dealing with!

 

Don't believe for one moment that this is happening because you put your dick in another woman. That's NOTHING compared to what it all symbolizes in her life.

 

She's a clever lady. She knew your business was headed in a dangerous direction for any marriage. How many old guys in the music industry are with the woman they built their lives with? Women are little more than a fancy car. Every year that passes she's got more miles on her clock. What happens when your mid life crisis hits, you've made-it & the latest model is free for the taking?

 

Do you know of any older couple who have managed to pull together, hold onto what's REAL & resist all temptations? That's who you should be socializing with. For a start, if you want to be in that industry you have to prove to her that it's possible to stay loyal. The more you achieve your ambition the greater the temptations will be.

 

Her dreams must be as important to you as your own. You've pooped all over her dreams & purpose. That's the bugger when YOU & "Us" are HER ambition. She's given you everything.

At this point I was realizing that I was powerless & insignificant. If my H had dumped me for the OW what would I have left to show for a lifetime of work & sacrifice? He can walk away any moment he chooses & he still has his career, his dreams, his future. What do I have other than a divorce settlement that wouldn't be that much at this point of his career?

Edited September 19, 2015 by ShatteredLady

[66Charger]

ShatteredLady, you always put sooo much into every post you write. You are a lady in every way. I do hope one day you find your mirror is whole again. OP, if you really want to know how your wife truly feels, listen to this woman.

[sandylee1]

That's very sad to hear that she went along with the business because it was your dream.....and that dream of yours has led to infidelity.

 

I think she knows there will always be women like that OW, and some even more forceful. The industry is not safe for your wife, because of your actions and it needs to come to an end.

 

It's your job to reassure her that she is your number 1, in every way, shape and form and that the business / music mean nothing without her in your life.

 

Start working on a new business plan, with the that you fu***d up big time. There's a consequence for everything and this is one of them for you.

 

As a BS, seeing my WH drop the business which I know he is so passionate about, would tell me I really am his priority. Look at what one stupid night has cost you........so not worth the tramp who knew you were married.

 

You not I won't swear blind or put my life on the fact that my H wouldn't have caved in, in your situation that night. I know he loves me, but I do wonder. (Maybe I'll ask) That's why I empathise with you and I note the lengths you went to initially to get the OW away from you. The book 'not just friends ' by Linda Mcdonald would be useful to read. You can see where to shut down what becomes an EA, and more. Had you shut her down in the beginning , she wouldn't have started what she did that night.

 

Anyway - it's happened and you can't erase it, just follow your wife's lead and do everything* she asks and more to try and fix this.

 

NEVER EVER contact that OW again - she's poison. Let her believe you said all the things your wife said to her came from you. She deserves it and more.

 

*within legal parameters and possibly moral ones

[turnera]

It's weird reading this. My H has only ever wanted me - of course after a fulfilling young adult 'career' seeing many many women. He's put up with a lot of crap from me (selfish younger child) as well as I've put up with a lot of crap from him. Miraculously, neither of us has cheated. He's basically the epitome of a business owner - tons of opportunities with women, and he's never 'bitten.' As far as I know, of course. But 90% of my life with him has been about pushing HIS business forward. I asked him the other day how many times he's asked me about my life, my past, what he actually knows about me. He admitted it's next to nothing, in 35 years. He doesn't know my dreams, aspirations, not even my favorite color. Because I chose to support him, push him, promote him. I just spent two full days working a charity event that benefits HIM, not me.

 

But, you know what? If I ever got wind that he was being unfaithful to me, i would make good on my promise when we got married 35 years ago - that, if I discovered him cheating, he'd never see me again. Ever. What's made me willing to go overboard in supporting him is my (so far) unwavering belief that he wants me and ONLY me. It has made me willing to overlook a LOT of things.

 

Think about it.

[sandylee1]

But 90% of my life with him has been about pushing HIS business forward. I asked him the other day how many times he's asked me about my life, my past, what he actually knows about me. He admitted it's next to nothing, in 35 years. He doesn't know my dreams, aspirations, not even my favorite color. Because I chose to support him, push him, promote him. I just spent two full days working a charity event that benefits HIM, not me.

 

What's made me willing to go overboard in supporting him is my (so far) unwavering belief that he wants me and ONLY me. It has made me willing to overlook a LOT of things.

 

Think about it.

 

In all honesty, I find women take the back seat in their career so often. I haven't personally done so, but I know so many women who have.

 

Different things work for individuals, but I encourage my daughters to have their own dreams and careers. I just don't think it's wise to support a man and neglect your own aspirations. Building a business together is different, because it's for the both of you.

 

Mr. L, how are things going?

[Mr. Lucky]

I know of 7 marriages in which at least 3 husbands cheat "casually" as one put it, at least 2 women have cheated and 4 are willing to cheat with me. This may be a reflection of environment too I must say but I often wonder if the BS's here are seeing things from so much a hurt point of view or just closer to reality.

 

Worked the first half of my career in the entertainment business - music, like you - and it's a different world. Much time spent apart from spouses in an environment that mixes good-looking people, alcohol/drugs and an "anything goes" attitude is not a recipe for relationship success. Fun when you're single but not conducive to married or family life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr1oyalty]

Your wife's pain and having to heal herself is her consequence of your actions. Are you man enough to not only accept but embrace your consequences? Do you really have the stones to do what it takes to win your wife back?

 

 

I suppose I don't have a choice, I guess I can say the acceptance is coming slowly as I never have been good at watching her suffer or struggle through anything even though I caused it, in some ways that only makes it even worse. Not really at the second part yet as she is pretty adamant that she is not going anywhere but there isn't anything I would not do for her if it comes to it.

[Mr1oyalty]

Ahhh so in a nutshell, she gave up HER wants/needs/dreams etc to make sure YOU were always happy, got what YOU want, YOU were successful.....and she was faithful, truly loved you, the PERFECT wife, yet you STILL cheated on her. What's wrong with you? .

 

She actually had her dream I see now I sort of step on them though. I can't really say what is wrong with me other then I see that I made a series of wrong choices which opened doors that should have never been opened.

[ShatteredLady]

This is going to take a LONG time to work through. There are different stages. It starts with shock & reaction to that. Then there's all the thinking, the blaming (herself & you) & the anger & depression.

 

Don't make knee-jerk decisions which will effect the rest of your lives. I know that's tempting. I wanted to be done with it & move on but it's not that simple. Talk, plan & talk & plan some more. What's best for 'US' now? Isn't a simple question when it's both of your career, financial future. In any business there are compromises & different ways of achieving the same goals. Work TOGETHER, that's what you guys are good at.

 

My gut reaction on D-Day was to pack-up my kids & return to England ASAP. Upon reflection going home is the correct thing for us but planning properly & moving at the least disruptive time for our children is for the best. My H's choices revealed how vulnerable I am alone in America. Moving back is HUGE for him but after much analysis it's for the best for our family as a whole.

 

Often infidelity highlights things that should of been given more consideration all along. It's not a punishment for my H's behavior. It's something we should of been aiming for all along.

 

TIME will help. It really will. This is still so new for your W. Her world (hense your world) has been turned upside-down. It was surreal for me for a long time. At this point I was waiting to wake-up from the worst nightmare ever. I was in no condition to make life altering descisions.

 

Hold her tight.

[Mr1oyalty]

That's very sad to hear that she went along with the business because it was your dream.....and that dream of yours has led to infidelity.

 

I think she knows there will always be women like that OW, and some even more forceful. The industry is not safe for your wife, because of your actions and it needs to come to an end.

 

It's your job to reassure her that she is your number 1, in every way, shape and form and that the business / music mean nothing without her in your life.

 

Start working on a new business plan, with the that you fu***d up big time. There's a consequence for everything and this is one of them for you.

 

As a BS, seeing my WH drop the business which I know he is so passionate about, would tell me I really am his priority. Look at what one stupid night has cost you........so not worth the tramp who knew you were married.

 

You not I won't swear blind or put my life on the fact that my H wouldn't have caved in, in your situation that night. I know he loves me, but I do wonder. (Maybe I'll ask) That's why I empathise with you and I note the lengths you went to initially to get the OW away from you. The book 'not just friends ' by Linda Mcdonald would be useful to read. You can see where to shut down what becomes an EA, and more. Had you shut her down in the beginning , she wouldn't have started what she did that night.

 

Anyway - it's happened and you can't erase it, just follow your wife's lead and do everything* she asks and more to try and fix this.

 

NEVER EVER contact that OW again - she's poison. Let her believe you said all the things your wife said to her came from you. She deserves it and more.

 

*within legal parameters and possibly moral ones

 

 

Totally right and its become obvious over the last few days that I need to make her feel secure again about her, me, and family in general because of her history.

 

The OW is out of the picture as I told her what W wanted, and she probably feels I am a heartless demon from hell. Only thing that can happen now is a restraining order if the OW's grief turns to something else. As far as morals it is interesting that while the only crime that came her way was feelings being destroyed I felt all kinds of wrong seeing her breakdown so horribly. Seeing my wife so cold about it all though that it was a reminder of what I did. It brought a level of hate in her I have never quite seen, eye for an eye has never been her style but I am certain that things will be life changing as far as how the OW's future relationships will fair.

[Mr1oyalty]

ShatteredLady you are so right on many things. I had read your post and my stomach was in knots because the truth can cut deep:sick: , your post and my dads words did me in. Not only because of my wife though, but because reading it I realized a great deal of why the OW was so appealing to me and how I did indeed, probably on some subconscious level set the table for much for everything to go down.

 

Shortly after reading your post I had to deal with my father giving me an annoying life lecture. My wife and family was there as we were a having a family dinner. My dad was always against me getting married young way back when, so he has his gripes with me for that. During his lecture of course he got to his disapproval of my business endeavors. He said in front of everyone that I am going to keep playing around until I fool around and loose everything because I am still thinking like somebody who did not choose to have a family, and I am still looking at life from the stand point of someone with no family. My sisters even got in on it on the subject of the women and described the OW and 2 other chicks they feel are very thirsty who they had seen me with. I wanted to make up some excuse to leave but My wife basically gave the A away by her face and body language alone. Everyone was rightly on my W side as far as me finding a new path, consoling her and such. The worst was my daughter was there too. My dad had all the ammo for his righteous indignation now though, so while he continued laying into me about screwing up my daughter walks in to tell me my work is what "makes mom worry", meaning I am the cause of the panic attacks she was having. I practically had to look for my heart under the table as I felt it drop right out of me. My wife had sort of explained things to my daughter in a nicer way already but its clear for her now I'm sure as she has her mother's brains and she just about put it all together . She is so certain though that I will get it all under control its amazing. But it was all a bit much to swallow seeing as to how you can think you are doing right by the ones you love and really you are just just mucking it all up. So I have been busy scraping my remains off the floor and making sure I make the right decisions for my wife and daughter from here on. This is why I had not posted sooner I just felt floored.

 

Back to your post though ShatteredLady, One thing it did was show me what much of the appeal was with the OW. I feel the OW represented the life and freedoms I probably would have, if not for having a family. Things like chasing selfish self fulfillment, she was full of wonder in my eyes and all about the maximum high and pleasure. Most of all she could chase the passions I had shamelessly without regard for anyone or anything else. That is what I think made her so appealing. So although I would never think to replace my W I think the OW served as a sort of peek into an alternate life choice. My wife reading the emails and texts certainly would think that the OW is exactly what I would really want and a great potential replacement. Although there is no real comparison, because reality is the OW is more of a dream girlfriend while I have a dream wife. Ultimately my W did say she felt replaceable. Which was enough for me to know you were right, and I know what I have to do.

 

She's a clever lady. She knew your business was headed in a dangerous direction for any marriage.

 

Your right again, when we met people and couples in the business we had two different concerns. I was thinking about advancing things financially, and asking how can these people benefit us financially and the like, she was thinking about how this will affect her FAMILY. I would be thinking mostly of certain aspects of the success of the couples we met and she would be looking at the couples themselves as a FAMILY. All of this was making it even harder for her to be passionate about our endeavors because I was endangering her real dream! Her FAMILY! Me and our daughter are her dream. She never ever had anything close to one, it was a nightmare. Should not have taken me so long to decipher this.

 

There was a time when she was my ultimate passion and I could read her every move and thought without taking so long. I could take her to ecstasy and back because it was like anything you have a passion for you start to understand it in ways that can't be explained. But that is the problem and why it took me so long to see my dreams were a threat to hers. Its a part of the reason why she is not thinking about leaving at all, its because she is fighting for her dream. I could even see the joy she had when she seen how my family had become hers. She will follow me anywhere provided I don't threaten us as a family. Right now she is fighting for me and our daughter. I have loosened her perceived firm grip on her dream and caused it to feel as if its slipping from her hands. So now I know I have to do everything to give her that security again.