Telling my wife I cheated

[Mr1oyalty]

It's weird reading this. My H has only ever wanted me - of course after a fulfilling young adult 'career' seeing many many women. He's put up with a lot of crap from me (selfish younger child) as well as I've put up with a lot of crap from him. Miraculously, neither of us has cheated. He's basically the epitome of a business owner - tons of opportunities with women, and he's never 'bitten.' As far as I know, of course. But 90% of my life with him has been about pushing HIS business forward. I asked him the other day how many times he's asked me about my life, my past, what he actually knows about me. He admitted it's next to nothing, in 35 years. He doesn't know my dreams, aspirations, not even my favorite color. Because I chose to support him, push him, promote him. I just spent two full days working a charity event that benefits HIM, not me.

 

But, you know what? If I ever got wind that he was being unfaithful to me, i would make good on my promise when we got married 35 years ago - that, if I discovered him cheating, he'd never see me again. Ever. What's made me willing to go overboard in supporting him is my (so far) unwavering belief that he wants me and ONLY me. It has made me willing to overlook a LOT of things.

 

Think about it.

 

Yeah I think it probably takes a lot to overlook cheating which is why if I felt or came to feel my wife was miserable or would be better off without me because of it I would support her. I was trying but I did cheat, so it in someways it makes it worse. I actually made precautions for my wife to be able to look after herself should I go against my word and become a detriment to her so she holds all the power cards financially if she so chooses and could disappear if she wanted. She probably thought I was being overcautious before but now I am sure that has changed.

[Mr1oyalty]

Worked the first half of my career in the entertainment business - music, like you - and it's a different world. Much time spent apart from spouses in an environment that mixes good-looking people, alcohol/drugs and an "anything goes" attitude is not a recipe for relationship success. Fun when you're single but not conducive to married or family life...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Very true, many of the couples I know basically live by "don't let it be known". Getting caught is cheating. There are actually some women who are known to keep it quite, and the married guys take note of this which women are discreet. These women don't have any idea they are on an invisible list. That alone kind of showed me its at least a little different.

[Celestial-dreamer]

I'm reading a hell of a lot of excuses, reasons and validation here....it's the career...the OW ...she's everything I dreamed of in a GF, she is the life I could have....yadda yadda yadda. Your coming across as not being THAT bothered by it. And the way you said this, my god, what a smack in the face:

 

As far as morals it is interesting that while the only crime that came her way was feelings being destroyed

 

You have no idea at all how it feels to have your entire life ripped away from you, do you? No idea of the pain it causes, the very real heartache, and you simply say...the only crime is her feelings hurt? Being cheated on goes way way beyond simply getting hurt. It destroys everything you ever thought was real, and trusted. Your life becomes a lie. Your just sitting there waiting for it all to blow over, your actually being kinda lame with it. What are you actually doing for your W? All I've read here is how YOU feel. Your W is the one you should be bothered about, but then again, you are selfish. As I pointed out before, you say your the most loyal guy....obviously your not, Your W is the dream W....yet you still did her over. I'm not feeling your remorse TBH, I doubt your W is either. Your taking her current attitude of *i'm going nowhere* for granted right now. Stop patting yourself on the back for a job well done, you cheated and think you got away with it.

[turnera]

I wouldn't go that far. He feels bad enough that he told the truth and is ready to accept the consequences. Most cheaters won't do that.

[Mr1oyalty]

I'm reading a hell of a lot of excuses, reasons and validation here....it's the career...the OW ...she's everything I dreamed of in a GF, she is the life I could have....yadda yadda yadda. Your coming across as not being THAT bothered by it. And the way you said this, my god, what a smack in the face:

 

As far as morals it is interesting that while the only crime that came her way was feelings being destroyed

 

You have no idea at all how it feels to have your entire life ripped away from you, do you? No idea of the pain it causes, the very real heartache, and you simply say...the only crime is her feelings hurt? Being cheated on goes way way beyond simply getting hurt. It destroys everything you ever thought was real, and trusted. Your life becomes a lie. Your just sitting there waiting for it all to blow over, your actually being kinda lame with it. What are you actually doing for your W? All I've read here is how YOU feel. Your W is the one you should be bothered about, but then again, you are selfish. As I pointed out before, you say your the most loyal guy....obviously your not, Your W is the dream W....yet you still did her over. I'm not feeling your remorse TBH, I doubt your W is either. Your taking her current attitude of *i'm going nowhere* for granted right now. Stop patting yourself on the back for a job well done, you cheated and think you got away with it.

 

I was talking about the OW, not my wife lol. Everything about the OW is simply my observations about yes, ME and how I got into the situation because I am the one who did the actual crime, and I (ME) am the one who has to understand as much as I can how and why, so I (ME) wont do it again. Never said I was the most loyal guy but that is or was my reputation among those closest to me and I am quite aware of the hypocrisy and it would be no major news flash to me that I can be selfish and disloyal. I am focused on myself and my decisions at times because that certainly is what put my wife in the hurt that she is in. I see a lot of talk of remorse but I don't really worry about it, feeling it, showing it, or any of that. I do love my wife and that I focus on genuinely showing that how ever it comes out naturally, if its genuine I suppose I wont need to do any posturing and it will show. If she ultimately feels I don't love her it is then that I will have failed her. It was not lack of remorse that led to this, if anything it was a lack of love resulting in a lack of awareness and appreciation for my W that led to this destruction. I can't help that you feel I am taking advantage of her as that could not be further from the truth. Either way I like your posts as there is usually something to think about.

[autumnnight]

I'm reading a hell of a lot of excuses, reasons and validation here....it's the career...the OW ...she's everything I dreamed of in a GF, she is the life I could have....yadda yadda yadda. Your coming across as not being THAT bothered by it. And the way you said this, my god, what a smack in the face:

 

As far as morals it is interesting that while the only crime that came her way was feelings being destroyed

 

You have no idea at all how it feels to have your entire life ripped away from you, do you? No idea of the pain it causes, the very real heartache, and you simply say...the only crime is her feelings hurt? Being cheated on goes way way beyond simply getting hurt. It destroys everything you ever thought was real, and trusted. Your life becomes a lie. Your just sitting there waiting for it all to blow over, your actually being kinda lame with it. What are you actually doing for your W? All I've read here is how YOU feel. Your W is the one you should be bothered about, but then again, you are selfish. As I pointed out before, you say your the most loyal guy....obviously your not, Your W is the dream W....yet you still did her over. I'm not feeling your remorse TBH, I doubt your W is either. Your taking her current attitude of *i'm going nowhere* for granted right now. Stop patting yourself on the back for a job well done, you cheated and think you got away with it.

 

It is evident you are hurting so much. have you sought counseling? It is usually only the men who project this much.

[Celestial-dreamer]

I see a lot of talk of remorse but I don't really worry about it, feeling it, showing it, or any of that. I do love my wife and that I focus on genuinely showing that how ever it comes out naturally, if its genuine I suppose I wont need to do any posturing and it will show.

 

Bad move...you MUST show her remorse....expecting her to just think it isn't enough in anyway. Poor woman. If I can see your not that sorry about it, she won't see it either. You can't just stand back and watch HER do all the work, YOU have to do it. You were showing your W all the love etc before, and look what you did, if nothing changes in you now, she may well see you as not bothered about it. I can see your not...she will too. Sorry but your attitude has been awful. It's all been about you and how you want to tell tour W so you don't feel guilty anymore. What would you want your W to do if she cheated? would you want her to show you how truly sorry she was? prove to you that your her world? so why don't you do that for her? Simply saying *I show her I love her* really isn't enough.

[Mr1oyalty]

Bad move...you MUST show her remorse....expecting her to just think it isn't enough in anyway. Poor woman. If I can see your not that sorry about it, she won't see it either. You can't just stand back and watch HER do all the work, YOU have to do it. You were showing your W all the love etc before, and look what you did, if nothing changes in you now, she may well see you as not bothered about it. I can see your not...she will too. Sorry but your attitude has been awful. It's all been about you and how you want to tell tour W so you don't feel guilty anymore. What would you want your W to do if she cheated? would you want her to show you how truly sorry she was? prove to you that your her world? so why don't you do that for her? Simply saying *I show her I love her* really isn't enough.

 

If I felt she was trying to "show" me anything I would be out the door even faster. I would not care about what she was trying to show me. In fact if she asked me how she could show me she was sorry I would not tell her anything because anybody can put on a show to "prove" something and it be exactly that a "show". If she is truly sorry it will be evident as well as if she is not. Like I said though, if she can't see that I love her then its probably not there and I wont go out of my way to deceive her. If she can't in the end see she is #1 and the love of my life then it is not there, if she cant see that everyday I am thinking of her, seeing how she feels, trying to ease whatever pain she has and trying to be there for her because I love her then that is that. As far as nothing changing I don't recall ever giving anyone this amount of attention since my daughter was born. Every other second you think of how they are doing, if they are ok and will they be okay, is it something you are missing, will you screw things up for them, how much will your failures effect them ect even worse when really you already have began to mess things up for them. If my W does think that I am not remorseful or don't care then I must have ruined her brain cells with the A. Maybe it comes off badly on a forum as I can vent my own frustrations ect though who knows.

[sandylee1]

 

Shortly after reading your post I had to deal with my father giving me an annoying life lecture. My wife and family was there as we were a having a family dinner. My dad was always against me getting married young way back when, so he has his gripes with me for that. During his lecture of course he got to his disapproval of my business endeavors. He said in front of everyone that I am going to keep playing around until I fool around and loose everything because I am still thinking like somebody who did not choose to have a family, and I am still looking at life from the stand point of someone with no family. My sisters even got in on it on the subject of the women and described the OW and 2 other chicks they feel are very thirsty who they had seen me with. I wanted to make up some excuse to leave but My wife basically gave the A away by her face and body language alone. Everyone was rightly on my W side as far as me finding a new path, consoling her and such. The worst was my daughter was there too. My dad had all the ammo for his righteous indignation now though, so while he continued laying into me about screwing up my daughter walks in to tell me my work is what "makes mom worry", meaning I am the cause of the panic attacks she was having. I practically had to look for my heart under the table as I felt it drop right out of me. My wife had sort of explained things to my daughter in a nicer way already but its clear for her now I'm sure as she has her mother's brains and she just about put it all together . She is so certain though that I will get it all under control its amazing. But it was all a bit much to swallow seeing as to how you can think you are doing right by the ones you love and really you are just just mucking it all up. So I have been busy scraping my remains off the floor and making sure I make the right decisions for my wife and daughter from here on. This is why I had not posted sooner I just felt floored.

 

 

.

 

You have a great family and they are looking out for your best interests. I like how your sisters pointed out those other women. Us women have the intuition and know what's brewing.

 

It would have been better had your daughter not been in the housr when they were speaking though.

 

The feelings you had of being floored , especially with your daughter knowing should never lead you down that path again. Infidelity affects the whole family, despite what people might say.

 

I know my children look up to my husband and I, if we cheated and put that security they have at risk, they would be extremely hurt and feel betrayed as well. I sometimes hear girks/women say when they marry, they'd like a man with their dad's qualities - imagine how that changes once you cheat.

 

That high regard they hold you in drops like a lead balloon.

[turnera]

One thing that children CAN learn from situations like this is that when a parent makes a mistake and then admits it, shows humility and remorse, he can be forgiven and even learn and grow into a better person. Many children grow up thinking their parents are perfect, but even better is seeing a flawed parent owning their mistakes. (not that cheating is just a mistake, but you know what I mean)

[truncated]

Bad move...you MUST show her remorse....expecting her to just think it isn't enough in anyway. Poor woman. If I can see your not that sorry about it, she won't see it either. You can't just stand back and watch HER do all the work, YOU have to do it. You were showing your W all the love etc before, and look what you did, if nothing changes in you now, she may well see you as not bothered about it. I can see your not...she will too. Sorry but your attitude has been awful. It's all been about you and how you want to tell tour W so you don't feel guilty anymore. What would you want your W to do if she cheated? would you want her to show you how truly sorry she was? prove to you that your her world? so why don't you do that for her? Simply saying *I show her I love her* really isn't enough.

 

How does one show that level of remorse? (I'm trying to be rude to you, i just wonder if it's even possible)

 

Op, have you asked your wife whet she needs from your right now? If the ow is gone form your life, then what does your wife feel should be the next steps for her?

 

You have a real opportunity here. from what you say, your daughter figured out you cheated, so now you also have to repair the damage with her by showing her how an adult accepts responsibility. Have you and your wife spoken to her about what happened in terms she can understand/

[Mr1oyalty]

The feelings you had of being floored , especially with your daughter knowing should never lead you down that path again. Infidelity affects the whole family, despite what people might say.

 

I know my children look up to my husband and I, if we cheated and put that security they have at risk, they would be extremely hurt and feel betrayed as well. I sometimes hear girks/women say when they marry, they'd like a man with their dad's qualities - imagine how that changes once you cheat.

 

That high regard they hold you in drops like a lead balloon.

 

So true, especially in my case, all of its true, only I wish it wasn't right now. I certainly fell far but the distance is still determined by how my wife makes it through. It hits me hard at random how much I directly put my daughters entire life at risk though. It still is at risk actually should my wife breakdown at some point during this.

 

Just watching my wife talk with our daughter and watching tv started off as an amazing thing today. I must say its those little moments I think its obvious my wife is the most beautiful creature to walk the earth. She is like my daughters life blood and best friend, their souls are clearly intertwined. But then I started thinking about my wife having to hold it all together when the possible big storm comes as I here, with my wife's past and this burden who knows what could happen. My wife's well being is directly tied to my daughters. If my wife suffers, my daughter will feel it twice as hard. My wife is her life blood and comfort watching them interact, I honestly can't think of anything that has caused such fear in me since being an adult. What was a beautiful sight became scary as I have seen her lose it although a very long time ago. I have put my little one's future in the balance. My wife caught me holding back my tears so I did tell her what I was thinking. She started crying, but said she is okay stop worrying. I let her know I wrote a check my backside cant cash, whatever it takes for her to get through this I will play my part for however long, whatever she needs to keep it together. I called my daughter over and hugged them both and I apologized to them and promised them both I wont make anymore mistakes again. My daughter and wife crying, then my daughter of course broke me, she told me don't worry u got it(something her mother would say), I agreed but that's all it took. I had to hide her face under mine and she definitely wanted to see if I was crying too. I got it together I think before she knew. After it was over we all watched tv and my wife turned the mood around like the amazing woman she is before my daughter fell asleep. So my little one knows I am nothing like the god she thought I was before. My daughter also said I never ever break my promises, every time I always keep them, my wife said its true (obviously she was not counting vows).

 

I can tell you one thing though despite the elephant in the room we have to face, we definitely have never been this close but I only wonder if it maybe to be just to eventually get ripped apart. My main concern though is that my wife comes out on top for her and my little ones sake. Being home more, seeing her with my daughter, I see I played Russian roulette with my daughters life and the trigger may pull again if my wife triggers in some bad way. I will be with her almost all day for the next 30 days just in case, I will just have to take a loss and pay to have someone else handle businesses issues.

 

Op' date=' have you asked your wife whet she needs from your right now? If the ow is gone form your life, then what does your wife feel should be the next steps for her? [/quote']

 

In some ways I ask every day, it changes often though what she may want or need. Even though I have told her I want to know everything as far as how she feels and stuff, she still may not say so I ask her how she feels. If we are on the phone I will ask her if she is okay etc. If she appears to be down or anything like that I will hug her and tell her how sorry I am. If I catch her at certain times it will lead to tears.

 

Yes OW is done I believe, she was trying to do some reputation smearing I last heard but my wife shut that down pretty hard:cool:. As far as wife's plans right now we are both working out the future, new plans as far as business and such. She is pretty excited we are gonna change directions and set it up to be together more often. It does help give the feeling of a new beginning at least a little, despite the fact that we will suffer some financial loss, its totally worth it though.

 

One thing that children CAN learn from situations like this is that when a parent makes a mistake and then admits it, shows humility and remorse, he can be forgiven and even learn and grow into a better person.

 

I certainly hope so, I will make lemonade if I can.

[Jacobclassified]

The long version isn't needed. 1, you should of never done it.

2, you shouldn't of waited so long to tell. It only makes more confusion.

3 I sincerely hope your std test comes back negative. Not for your sake but for hers

Let's hope she forgives you. And you live up to the "death do you part" you vowed to...

[coryreply]

Bad move...you MUST show her remorse....expecting her to just think it isn't enough in anyway. Poor woman. If I can see your not that sorry about it, she won't see it either. You can't just stand back and watch HER do all the work, YOU have to do it. You were showing your W all the love etc before, and look what you did, if nothing changes in you now, she may well see you as not bothered about it. I can see your not...she will too. Sorry but your attitude has been awful. It's all been about you and how you want to tell tour W so you don't feel guilty anymore. What would you want your W to do if she cheated? would you want her to show you how truly sorry she was? prove to you that your her world? so why don't you do that for her? Simply saying *I show her I love her* really isn't enough.

 

Celestial, your posts are proof that two people can read the same thread and make two very different judgments.

 

OP, I have been encouraged by your transparency with your wife and the way you have handled things. I don't know how you can show more remorse for your actions and I definitely don't think posturing will add any value to the rebuilding of your relationship.

 

So many people have given you really solid advice here. Understand, this is all a process filled with varying emotions. Stay completely open and honest about all areas of your daily life and keep the lines of communication flowing daily. You guys are going to make it through this. Best of luck to you.

[Mr1oyalty]

Appreciate the advice, and yes, there is a lot of good advice here.

[Mr Blunt]

By Mr1oyality

I feel the OW represented the life and freedoms I probably would have, if not for having a family. Things like chasing selfish self-fulfillment, she was full of wonder in my eyes and all about the maximum high and pleasure. Most of all she could chase the passions I had shamelessly without regard for anyone or anything else. That is what I think made her so appealing.

 

 

It was not lack of remorse that led to this; if anything it was a lack of love resulting in a lack of awareness and appreciation for my W that led to this destruction

I can be selfish and disloyal

It seems that you have done a lot of introspection and now have pinpointed a lot of what got you into this crisis. Although you need to keep this information saved on your hard drive, you may be ready for another stage.

 

 

That state could be that you start getting a plan so that you keep yourself tuned up so that you never fall for this crap again. You know a lot about what got you to fall so what are you doing to put all the preventive maintenance actions into actions?

 

 

 

 

 

By Mr1oyality

I can tell you one thing though despite the elephant in the room we have to face, we definitely have never been this close but I only wonder if it maybe to be just too eventually get ripped apart.

Your emotions and desire for each other crashed into a freight train that knocked you two in totally opposite directions so now you are super highly sensitized to being close. Take full advantage of that just like the president gets most done in his first 100 days in office because everyone is hyped up and in the admiration mode. You are in the makeup honey moon phase and that can produce a lot of good but will not last for years, maybe not even a lot of months. You two will eventually come down to earth and deal with normal life and emotions.

 

If you two diligently seek to improve what are your weak spots then this will last and you will NOT get ripped apart. From what you have written you and your wife really do have a bond and you both know that your daughter is the light of your life. That is some super glue my amigo! Will you have pains? YES YOU WILL. The task is to BUILD much more solid bonds based on both of you to continue improving yourselves, giving to each other, and sacrificing what you have to sacrifice so that both of your needs are full enough for you both to be much more givers to the family than allowing yourself to let selfishness get the upper hand.

 

My advice: Both of you build yourselves up body, mind, emotions and spirit!

[Mr1oyalty]

That state could be that you start getting a plan so that you keep yourself tuned up so that you never fall for this crap again. You know a lot about what got you to fall so what are you doing to put all the preventive maintenance actions into actions?

 

 

Thanks for the advice and yes we have made lots of changes. I also made many adjustments not just in my dealings with my wife, but I handle people/women outside of us and in business. While I am not as religious as my wife we say a certain prayer every morning together that more then reminds me of the task I have before me. She doesn't know but I also have a weekly agenda relating specifically to her, ways to keep her life exciting, fun and show her I appreciate her. This way once I get back to work I will never have to worry about loosing the focus on what its all about. My family.

 

 

You are in the makeup honey moon phase and that can produce a lot of good but will not last for years, maybe not even a lot of months. You two will eventually come down to earth and deal with normal life and emotions.

 

This is a big thing for me right now to help her navigate. Every time she gets to a certain place I can see she falls back down its a pattern of bringing things down fast if she get to high in a way. Things are good but if they get too good for her its like a negative effect and she will just come down all together. It could be after a good date, sex or anything she really enjoys I pretty much can count on her crashing a little emotionally. We talk about it but that's what I am wondering how long before she will mellow out. While we are close but there is a certain emotional drain the A has brought her that I hope goes away. I have some help with this though that is good.

 

She went on a trip with my sister who wanted to give her a break from everything a couple days which they both had a good time. Its also been the first time in a while I actually had time to cut off my brain for a second and a time distract myself from all this as well as spend more time with my daughter.

 

My advice: Both of you build yourselves up body, mind, emotions and spirit!

 

For sure man much appreciated.Its its good place to learn things here, and I appreciated every ones advice whether I took it or not. I won't be here much longer as my W wants nothing to do with anything A related anymore and its time we executed our plans and move forward, so I am grateful for all the advice I received from all.