Telling my wife I cheated

[autumnnight]

This happened because you had an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR - that had been going on for a while, and you would have never ended up in bed with this woman if you hadn't.

 

Very very astute.

[Mr1oyalty]

But this......"I know we had become close friends and I was what some might say "in love" - Your wife might be different, but for me - this right here is the problem, even more than sex.

 

I know this might be the worst part, although my wife does know that emotions are fickle. I do have feelings for other woman and emotions etc that I never felt etc. But these I think are surface emotions. You hear men say all they have is their basket balls and their word, well I essentially try to gave my wife all of me at one point. As much as I have feelings for OW, if her and Wife are drowning and I can save one, it will always be my wife without any regrets afterwards, so how could I be in real love with OW? Even if I felt emotionally more connected to other woman. Right now I cant say where my emotions are, as I am more concerned with my wife's emotions at the moment. But yes hope may be lost, maybe my wife won't believe me and will assume I want to be with OW. She will not accept that, and probably will divorce me over it if not convinced. That is what is wrecking my brain now as I have produce some evidence that can be construed to make it seem as if I don't love her. So I started my self all over now probably having to prove I love her all over again, and making the case is much harder now after what I did.

[qubist]

I know this might be the worst part, although my wife does know that emotions are fickle. I do have feelings for other woman and emotions etc that I never felt etc. But these I think are surface emotions. You hear men say all they have is their basket balls and their word, well I essentially try to gave my wife all of me at one point. As much as I have feelings for OW, if her and Wife are drowning and I can save one, it will always be my wife without any regrets afterwards, so how could I be in real love with OW? Even if I felt emotionally more connected to other woman. Right now I cant say where my emotions are, as I am more concerned with my wife's emotions at the moment. But yes hope may be lost, maybe my wife won't believe me and will assume I want to be with OW. She will not accept that, and probably will divorce me over it if not convinced. That is what is wrecking my brain now as I have produce some evidence that can be construed to make it seem as if I don't love her. So I started my self all over now probably having to prove I love her all over again, and making the case is much harder now after what I did.

You love your wife, that's obvious otherwise this wouldn't be an issue for you. the feelings for the OW that you called "love" is actually nothing more than lust for a female without the hustle of married life, most men experience it to a degree,

if you decide to confess make sure that you do everything in your power to show her that you love her and that OW has no place in your heart,otherwise you are just going to make it worst for her.

[Celestial-dreamer]

I have not yet out right lied to her, so she wont have reason to believe I would lie about anything. She did ask about the party and I told I don't want to talk about it right now.

 

Lying by omission is still lying (she asked how it went, you avoided answering) your even lying to yourself if you think your not lying to your wife. Every second that passes, your lying.

 

What I meant was, when you disclose to your wife, tell her EVERYTHING. The EA, how you met, the sex etc. If you don't tell her about the previous EA, and that you have/had feeling for OW and she later finds out the truth, she will then have cause to not believe a word you say thereafter, and will wonder what else you have lied about. Things like have you cheated before and kept it quiet etc. She will be analyzing EVERYTHING. Her world will crumble, she trusted you completely. She will think you've lied before, do not have a go at her for that. Your about to crush her heart and destroy her happy little world. Everything she thought about you will become a lie to her.

[Timmos]

I want to know what if anything would have made Dday worse if you are a BS? How do I avoid making it even worse?

 

Answer every question and under no circumstances lie. Do exactly as you're told. If she wants you to leave, you leave.

 

Your job, IF she even wants you to, is to do everything for her now. Whatever she needs, do it.

 

And I repeat - do NOT lie. Trickle truth is just another dagger after dagger in her heart.

[turnera]

Tell her the truth. Tell her you will give her all the details she wants, but you don't know if she'd rather have all the details or if that will make it worse. But make sure she knows you will always answer 100% truthfully to any question she has.

 

Offer to call her parents/siblings/best friend and tell them what you did, and ask their forgiveness, if it will help her. If she'd rather they didn't know, honor that.

 

Offer to sleep elsewhere for the night, whatever she needs.

 

Offer to set up counseling if she wants it.

 

Ensure she hears that it is 100% your fault and had nothing to do with her, and tell her you had no intention of doing it (if that's the truth) but that once it started, you let it happen. Try to help her see you're not the kind who goes out looking to cheat. That you're going to do heavy lifting to figure out how to never put yourself in that position again (such as never going to a party without her).

 

Most importantly, ask her for a chance to make it up to her and give you another chance at staying married. And then step back and do whatever she needs. Never ever ever react in anger or defensiveness or blame.

[elaine567]

Sorry for the threadjack.

 

My God! You constantly advise me to come clean to my fiancee about a past that has nothing too do with her (also accusing me of myriad other things that are simply not true), yet here you are giving the complete opposite advice.

 

Really amazing!

 

An EA and a ONSis a far different state of affairs than you visiting brothels on multiple occasions, abusing the women there and having a fascination with prostitutes and brothels. YOUR fiancée needs to know the type of man she is going to be married to, BEFORE the event. There is also a high risk of your activities being discovered as your family and your ex know about them.

 

The OP has an eight year old daughter whose life is never going to be

the same again if he gets divorced and that needs taken into consideration here too.

[turnera]

That's a valid point, and I often DO distinguish between affairs and ONSs because I honestly think all of us are capable of a ONS, while continued deceit is different.

 

That said, I also suggest that a marriage isn't really a marriage unless you are best friends and 100% honest with each other; if not, it just becomes a convenience and unfulfilling and dysfunctional.

[Sassy Girl]

Oh dear, this is a slight overreaction.

In the words of that famous ad - Calm down dear.

 

No, I am not ashamed, I am just being sensible and pragmatic.

I frankly cannot see how you have come to the conclusion he was raped in the first place.

Nowhere, did he even suggest he felt violated.

His distress was caused by his actions in letting down his family and regret.

He even thought the OW was better sexually than his wife.

NOT many rape victims say that about their "rapist".

 

Your claim he was raped is totally ridiculous.

 

Your claim ihe wasn't assaulted is totally ridiculous.... Not to mention ignorant and offensive.

 

Clearly you don't understand the concept of consent.

[elaine567]

Your claim ihe wasn't assaulted is totally ridiculous.... Not to mention ignorant and offensive.

 

Clearly you don't understand the concept of consent.

 

Read the thread.

The OP has clarified his position, and he says he was in fact more of an aggressor than a victim.

[Sassy Girl]

Read the thread.

The OP has clarified his position, and he says he was in fact more of an aggressor than a victim.

 

And your comment came before he clarified. I stand by what I said. Based on the u formation we had at the time, you still don't understand consent.

[elaine567]

And your comment came before he clarified. I stand by what I said. Based on the u formation we had at the time, you still don't understand consent.

 

Based on the info we had at the time, I was completely right in my interpretation of the situation.

Others went off half-cocked, got the completely wrong end of the stick and totally misinterpreted the facts as laid out by the OP in his original post.

Accurate reading comprehension would not have gone amiss, and would have saved some posters angst over an event that was very obvious from the start was NOT rape.

[ShatteredLady]

There phrase they use on these forums "Trickle Truth" is by far the most painful & distructive thing. I've had a lot of conversations about this with my H. I understand that he says "What alternative do I have? I don't want to hurt you more!" but the lieing, even if it is to save me some pain had the opposite effect. It's impossible to trust someone who has betrayed you & then lies & lies again.

 

My reaction to D-day was to go crazy investigating. It broke my heart when my H told me something didn't happen, he denied so much he made me feel crazy & like a horrible person for even thinking it...then I would find an email he thought he'd deleated or a receipt & I'd know he was lieing. The next logical step is to think he's lieing about EVERYTHING!

 

It's natural, I think, to try to defend your actions in some way. There are NO EXCUSES! The betrayed have so many insecurities & ANYTHING you say to justify your behavior will be heard as an attack. It's crippling!! The truth, in my situation is that my H felt neglected when I was recovering from surgery. He got his ego stroked by her. What I heard was "You're a burden cripple with scars. I needed to escape that!". I know it's not what he meant but in my broken state I was already looking for reasons & blaming myself. I felt ugly!

Problem is...my anger then kicked-in & I resented him for blaming me for his weakness & betrayal! Perceived or real.

 

Keep telling her how wonderful & perfect she is. Keep saying sorry for your betrayal. Keep telling her how much you hate yourself for your actions. You should of told her that the OW was flirting with you. You should of told her about your correspondence before it got anywhere close to an EA. OWN YOUR ACTIONS. That's the kindest thing to do.

[Mr. Lucky]

That's a valid point, and I often DO distinguish between affairs and ONSs because I honestly think all of us are capable of a ONS

 

I'm hoping you said this for effect because it's plainly not true. And even less accurate for any folks that have seen infidelity first hand, along with the resulting potential for destruction.

 

Hard to let that one go by ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[turnera]

No, it's what I believe. I think humans are weak-willed in general and driven by impulses. Given the right situation, many people have astounded themselves by moving forward 'in the heat of the moment' into an act they KNOW they shouldn't do. We are all driven by certain basic needs - need for admiration, need to be wanted, etc. - and, combined with our other basic personality glitches and FOO circumstances, can often result in horrible choices.

 

As I said, if they then CONTINUE the actions, IMO, it's all on them.

[TrustedthenBusted]

as usual, I am answering before reading the 5 pages of responses.

 

Take it to your grave bro, and don't do it again.

[S2B]

When do you plan to tell her?

[Popsicle]

I say don't tell, but if you do, let her read your post here.

[William]

Let's stay focused on the thread starter's post and consider all threadjacks and other off-topic excursions resolved. I'll leave the report we received open so one of our early morning moderators can decide whether further action is warranted. Thanks!

[SawtoothMars]

Based on the info we had at the time, I was completely right in my interpretation of the situation.

Others went off half-cocked, got the completely wrong end of the stick and totally misinterpreted the facts as laid out by the OP in his original post.

Accurate reading comprehension would not have gone amiss, and would have saved some posters angst over an event that was very obvious from the start was NOT rape.

 

As defined by Affirmative Consent Laws... this is rape. The California law in particular states that you cannot continue a sexual encounter once someone says no. Even if they change their mind later it's still rape.

 

In the real world... I agree with you.

 

The overall point here is that this is not much of an affair. He clearly needs to tell his wife about this, and hopefully he filters out the comments about how "amazing" it was.

[violet1]

I admire your loyalty, but I am on the don't tell her side. To me, it sounds more like a ONS. The way you described the OW, it doesn't sound like an EA. The thing is, once you're severely hurt or betrayed by someone you love ( it doesn't have to just be infidelity related either) the triggers never completely go away. Your marriage will never be the same if she chooses to reconcile. Your daughter could possibly end up in a broken home. You mentioned that the OW is more physically fit than your wife. How do you think that will make your wife feel?

 

I think you should deal with your guilt in other ways than telling your wife. Everyone has weak moments and unfortunately you screwed up. I don't believe you deliberately set out to cheat. Affairs are carefully and deceitfully planned out. That is not your situation. I know many will disagree, but in some cases I believe it's best to not say anything.

 

If you do choose to confess, make sure to do it on the weekend and have plans for your daughter to stay with family for the night. If there's a blow out, it's best for your daughter not to be there.

 

Best of luck!

[lollipopspot]

My wife actually believes in this loyalty and is confident that I will do right by her. My daughter believes the same. To make matters worse, for me being a good father can not be separated from being a good husband because of how I raised my daughter so far. She knows mommy is my #1 and she is my #2, as I tell her

one day she will be a #1.

 

I don't think that telling your daughter this is having the effect that you think it's having. I think it's rather cruel and is probably hurting her self esteem rather than helping it. The explicit hierarchy of your love seems very wrong to me.

 

Also, people divorce and fall out of love all the time; your kids are forever. She should have her OWN place, not a place on a hierarchy of your love. Whoever needs attention and care at the time should get it.

 

And as you explained, you made your wife "#2" - so now your daughter is "#3" below the woman you cheated with. There doesn't need to be this hierarchy.

[violet1]

No, it's what I believe. I think humans are weak-willed in general and many people have astounded themselves by moving forward 'in the heat of the moment' into an act they KNOW they shouldn't do. We are all driven by certain basic needs - need for admiration, need to be wanted, etc. - and, combined with our other basic personality glitches and FOO circumstances, can often result in horrible choices.

 

As I said, if they then CONTINUE the actions, IMO, it's all on them.

 

I completely agree with this. Everyone has weak moments at times. This man was asleep and awoken by a woman giving him a bj. I'm willing to bet that a large portion of men would have done the same and continued on with the encounter. Humans are sexual by nature. This is not the same as a planned out long-term affair. He even insulted the OW afterwards. If he had continued and gone another round or wanted to see the OW for more sex, I would urge him to confess. Since this is not the case, IMHO he needs to take it to the grave and never mention it again. I don't think one night should have to blow up his entire life.

[Mr1oyalty]

When do you plan to tell her?

 

Tonight I tell her and I am already loosing my resolve to do so, and she knows I been more then busy and something is up so who knows. Its especially hard to have to see the consequences of your actions before you, I have been trying to mentally find a way to dance a way around having to tell her that would be fair to her. I really don't care about my conscience or my anything just her and what she deserves. So easy to cheat but this is gonna be very hard to do and so much harder for her to hear but I will do it because I have no real choice. I already have betrayed her enough with one bad choice. Our relationship is based on complete honesty and being real with each other. I cant hide anything from her, this is a woman who has shown me her soul. Also if she ever finds out I set out to intentionally hide something like that it will destroy the little trust we would still have as I have never ever out right lied or deceived her. I just cant believe I am in this situation In fact if I could fully tell you the kind of person she is you all would be wondering how any OW could take my breath away or anything of the sort but such is life.

 

Before we were married she did not want to tell me about her past thinking she would take it to her grave protecting me because she had it all under control as some of you reasonably suggest I do. She had been through all kinds of hell

in her child hood, as an adolescent her own family had basically sold her to a gang. By the time I met her She had semi found a way to separate her self from the gang and the other girls in the gang by working

multiple real jobs and lying about her age in order pay her dues without opening her legs. That agreement was working fine so she figured she would never need to mention this to me as she was protecting

our relationship from the "truth" and she would just leave when with me when I left the city. The first time I had sex with her I had noticed and recognized she had a tattoo but she figured I knew nothing of what it meant. We both assumed each other were from better backgrounds.

Now she was studying for her GED all the while and there was nothing about her that pointed to where she came from and what she been through. I was not lying when I said she is an amazing woman!

So we got into the biggest argument we ever had over this tattoo. She was doing all kinds of trickle truthing or whatever and she was risking both our lives with her secret leaving me subject to her judgment.

In this gang and there is no where she could hide with them, its blood in blood out with no exceptions. I told her I would meet up with them and she was distrustful after a year together that she questioned

if I was going to tell them her plan and say I had nothing to do with it. But I actually ended up making a trade with them that I would go blood in, in place of her getting out and pay up front what she would have made them the next couple years in the form of a classic car passed down to me. At this point my wife then gf was able to keep her own money and she even got her GED before I graduated. Keep in mind she was still not even legally grown yet. She refused counseling for her past but read all kinds of books about healing and what she had been through. Of her her friends today none them has any idea of where she comes from, they think she is one of them, born with a silver spoon. While we both

have come a long way people admire her even having no idea where she has come from. Now after years of building trust and becoming the closest thing to real family she has ever known. Some people say family is for life and wives and husbands come and go but not with her as her family did come and go but I vowed to be like real family to her and even more but like scum I now have to tell her how I ****ed up big time. I can barely look my self in the mirror let alone look her in the face and add any pain on top all the bull she endured. This is also why I have to tell her because the

possibility of her finding out another way could trigger something from her past or or make it so she can not trust my words or she feels she has to worry about me being deceitful that will be a unnecessary double dose of pain for her. So I will tell her absolutely everything while using all the information and knowledge I received here. When I have my head together I will try to respond to anything I may have missed. My head is just spinning now so I don't even know if this will make any sense but maybe I have gotten enough off my chess to sleep now.

[Celestial-dreamer]

GL for tonight. Pour your heart out to her as you have here, make sure she knows it wasn't a planned act, you never went out to intentionally do this. Make sure she knows she in your world, your not intending to cause her further pain or embarrassment etc. You say she knows something is wrong, you can't really back out now or give her a bull story, so i'm praying for your wife tonight.

 

As for OW, have you had any contact with her? or has anyone spoken to you about her? You need to ensure there is no way she can get in touch with you ever again, your wife deserves to know that OW can't get to you again. You stated her sex was amazing, you caved in once before, you will do it again if the situation arises. Total NC from now on. Remember this is the woman who didn't care any for your wife, your marriage or your family, she isn't all that. Who wants someone who would so easily destroy your life with no thoughts for anyone else involved?