Telling my wife I cheated

[gettingstronger]

Good luck- I am sure this will be extremely difficult but it seems to me that its important to you to do this- I agree with you- hang in there and don't lose your nerve-

[waterwoman]

Good luck.

 

Don't blame-shift, don't lie, don't minimise. Do your very best to ensure she knows you love and value her. Make it very clear you entirely regret the affair and that you have no further interest in the OW.

[violet1]

Best of luck! I hope things go well and it will be possible to fix your marriage. I still say take it to your grave. Just because it happened once, it doesn't mean it will necessarIly happen again. I also came from a horrible childhood. When I found out my H had a meaningless fling years before we got married, it destroyed me. I still to this day wish I had never found out. It increased my trust issues and I absolutely lost all hope in humanity. My life spiraled out of control. I eventually cheated almost a decade later. I even used his cheating to justify my own. Yeah, it was pretty stupid.

 

I also believe a person should listen to their heart. Your heart is telling you to confess. You need to do what you feel is right, but be prepared for the back lash. Support her, be willing to do MC and help her heal. Again, I wish you the best.

[ShatteredLady]

As a BS I've posted the question "Why tell?". I wish more than anything that my H had never cheated on me. It shattered (my online name) me completely & utterly. Like you guys we've had rocky starts to life. We had complete honesty in our relationship. I mean COMPLETE HONESTY.

I remember being asked why I was getting married. I thought long & hard. He's my best friend & I fancy his pants off! (I was young but I still think its a good answer!). My other reason in my head was...we will NEVER split-up. We will NEVER want to be with anyone else. Why not have a big party, tell the world & get a tax break! We're going to spend our entire lives together anyway!

 

My H was unfaithful. The lies were the worst thing. I used to joke he could never lie to me! He has the most honest face. I was so wrong! The EAs are WORSE than anything physical. He HELD HER HAND! He said "I LOVE YOU". I feal nauseas writing this! DON'T UNDERPLAY THE EA!!! From your post & all the discussion it's like you would never of told about the EA & feeling love but the ONS is SO BAD YOU MUST CONFESS! I don't think your wife is going to see it that way.

 

The big question seems to of become "Should he tell?". In my little fantasy world I think I want my innocence. I would love to not know but I would HATE to have that kind of relationship! If I knew my husband wasn't crippled with guilt & HAD to TELL I wouldn't of married him!! We aren't just some couple who got married & then got lost in kids, work & life. We built a life together. Years of intimacy. Partying, traveling, playing. I believed we had a better relationship than any other couple. No matter how much I wish the information wasn't in my head the truth is it happened. Once it's happened things will NEVER be the same until she goes back to knowing more about you than any other human being on this planet. That's the big thing for me! SHE knows things I don't about my life & my H. That's NOT what our M is based on.

 

I'm proud & EVERY SINGLE DAY that you don't tell is a day that M is a lie! My existence is a lie. TELL HER!! Your 'affair' lasts as long as the secrets do. When did your EA start? That's day 1. The day you tell is the last day. How long has your 'affair' lasted already?

 

I might be very different from your wife. Others advise might be better. I honestly don't know! If it were me I'd want to know yesterday. I'd wish you came home & told me. I think she will understand the sex more than the EA. I'm tempted to say "Play that down" but I get the feeling that you guys are so close you need to be completely honest (but choose your words kindly).

The advise that worries me the most is the 'Have support ready' & 'Use a therapist'. I'm very private & very proud. My H is the ONLY person who knows my true soul, everything. I would HATE for anyone else to know. I would HATE bringing a friend, family or proffesional into this. It's always been "You & me babe against the world!" why would I want others to know & judge this? Only I can judge my H because only I know him, truly know him.

 

I hope she knows you well enough to forgive this & move on. I HONESTLY & COMPLETELY forgave & forgot my H's 'FIRST' affair! Yep! I can't even start to explain how the latest s**t has hit me. Everything I've said seems like bollocks now it's happened again!! But when it first happened.....yes! I forgave. I understood. It was completely gone from my head & heart. I hope you will have the same. Tell the truth. That you love her more than life itself but MEAN IT!!!

[merrmeade]

I think you need to say nothing, you need to swallow that guilt and if your STD tests are clear, then put this away and never talk of it ever again and thank your lucky stars.

YOU are very aware of what you did and if you know you will never repeat it or anything similar, then do not muck up your wife's life and especially that of your little girl.

"Daddy is a cheater, he said Mummy was #1 but she wasn't, I guess I am now #3. All men are not to be trusted, they say one thing and mean another."

 

BSs get damaged, the mind movies, the triggering and lack of trust carries on for years and years and years. This was essentially a ONS, do not throw away your marriage and your child by confessing here.

Reconciliation is tough and to my mind a waste of time, due to the hell it puts both parties through and for what? We have BSs here still triggering over cheating events after decades... I think they would have been a lot happier had they never found out/been told in the first place.

 

Serial cheaters definitely need exposed. But a sketchy EA and a one night PA, keep it under your hat.

 

IF your wife ever asks "Have you cheated?" then yes tell her - if you think she has a good chance of finding out from elsewhere, tell her - if your results come back positive then you have to tell her - if you want a way out of this marriage then tell her - but otherwise do not upset the apple cart here.

Gross, just gross and not what he even asked.

 

He's way past you in his understanding of his marriage and what matters. He didn't ask IF he should confess but HOW. He already understands the repurcussions of breaking vows and doesn't want to compound it. He already made a number of choices your post doesn't even address.

 

By the way, when so-called ex-cheaters or one-night stand cheaters lie on the basis you give, doesn't it become easier the next time? When do you call it serial cheating? The second or third time?

[coryreply]

Hey bro. I've been thinking a lot about your situation. What's the latest? Has anything changed in the last week?

[Mr1oyalty]

Been pretty busy lately but certainly appreciate the advice and I will respond directly to many of you when I get the time. I told her but obviously nothing actually goes as planned. I did tell her Friday, I tried to tell her how much I loved her just before and how she is the only person I will ever truly love, how awesome she has been but she was already anxious and started crying and asking questions and eventually she got to "are your cheating on me?" As soon as I said let me explain she totally broke down. Lots of tears and would be painful words she had for me to swallow, the worst of which was that I failed her and my daughter and I had hurt her more then anyone, stressing all the stuff she had been through. All I was really worried about though was her at the time so I was more concerned about how hurt she must have been to say all this to my face. I could surmise from her words how hurt she was. Even saying I was sorry was insightful in that moment. All I could do was agree with her and hold her eventually she calmed down from being hysterical and sad to just plain angry and asking lots of questions and she basically wanted to know everything.

 

I already had written down everything and I never deleted anything like text messages from other woman or email. I guess I was to much of an idiot to see when EA was possibly beginning to take place. I went over everything with her while making sure she knew the reality of this was simple, while she was being the faithful and beautiful woman she is I chose to cheat and its as simple as that. She asked why I F'n chose to simply do that and all I could say was I dropped the ball. I should have been paying more attention to her but I was paying too much attention to other things like myself, OW, work, more then I should of. She didn't want to hear my voice eventually so she took the phone and everything I wrote down including one of those black composition notebooks where I wrote down all the things I loved about her physically, personality wise, sex wise and all the great things she has been doing and how I appreciate them. I actually filled the entire note book in less then a week and wrote the perfect wife on the cover, I did all of this based on the fact that some here said she will blame her self so I figured this may counteract that to some degree and its worth it even if it helps in the smallest way.

 

She took everything and started with the phone reading the text messages. She was reading them out loud mocking OW who was mostly ego stroking me, but a lot of texts actually was me bringing up my wife and how amazing she was and how much I loved her. This actually lightened up her mood a little. The more she read the harder it was to mock. I told my wife although me and OW clicked and I did emotionally have feelings for her at one point I never in my mind would consciously put anyone before her. She started crying and asked why I don't tell her these things more (in the text's)as she needs to hear them more often if that's how I feel. Eventually she got to a part that was an issue. Looking back now, I see I was a complete dumb @, OW was talking about her insecurities and how she never gets the attention of guys like me so she will probably never marry (she actually gets everyone's attention), playing as if she had self esteem issues. I fell for it and texted her "I don't believe that as when I first saw you, you quite literally took my breath away . So you will find someone, but to say you don't get any guys attention GTFO, honestly that was my first literal breathtaking experience". My wife literally face palmed, laughed and said to me "oh I'll take your f@**in breath away":confused:, So far I think she was kidding lol. Reading text seemed to actually help somewhat overall I think it showed her I was not trying to outright deceive her, we went over the PA and everything else.

She said she believed me but had to make sure and erase all doubt. So she told me to call OW right then on speaker and pretend I want to be with her, tell her I been thinking of her and apologize to her, then tell her I have to go but I will talk to her later. I didn't want to do this but didn't resist as wife seemed like she would cringe if I showed even the slightest current basic human care for OW. Anyway OW was quick to forgive me on the phone and started crying saying she feels bad about what she did, but she just feels like we are meant to be. My wife was looking at me very intently so it was awkward to say the least, OW ate it up and I told her I would talk to her later. After I did that my wife took laptop and left the room with the phone, she started texting OW as me constantly through the night and through all of Saturday while asking me questions here and there. She also was watching me as if I might try to tell OW it was not me she was texting, so I couldn't really use the net over the weekend. I still don't know what all my wife did in my name yet as she deleted some stuff from other woman. I know she must have verified what she wanted because Sunday morning she made my favorite breakfast and was all over me physically and apologizing for some stuff she said, says she is hurt but knows I love her and she believes I will find a way to make us better . We basically spent the last couple days having serious talks and having sex. I can say my though that the last few days have been intense and I don't think we could be any more exposed to one another. My current goal is to give her what ever peace I can and restore what can be. She was a little hurt/confused by the connection and emotions that I felt with OW as she feels that's how she is and was with me as she says the emotions I described about OW are the emotions and the level of intensity she felt in the beginning for me. Wife sometimes asks stuff that tells me she is still a little worried but coping like she jokingly asks stuff like what if OW was like my soul mate and the universe is pulling us together, and I told her well I think we should go to war with the universe just like everything else that came between us, unless you think we can't win and we should go on the run from the universe. Then she'll say I never seen you run from anything, and I tell her and that's why I love you(I know we're pretty weird lol). Overall though we she is ok and I am figuring what I will do next. Its clear though I have to work from behind the 8 ball as far as wanting my wife and daughter to have the best everything including husband and father but at least my wife is confident that I can do it. A lot of good has come from the constant talking these past few days.

Later this week I will explain what we are doing to get through all this as I may get good advice from you guys. Honestly so far it has helped out a lot. It was here that made me think to write out all the great stuff about my wife and that actually helped erase a large part of the emotional ties with OW to a great degree for me. If I had not sought out how to do this it would have been much worse for her much of your advise was invaluable. Its so much I still have not fit in to this but just wanted everyone to know i appreciated all the help and have not forgotten I will try to reply to as many as possible soon .

[Mr1oyalty]

As a BS I've posted the question "Why tell?". I wish more than anything that my H had never cheated on me. It shattered (my online name) me completely & utterly. Like you guys we've had rocky starts to life. We had complete honesty in our relationship. I mean COMPLETE HONESTY.

I remember being asked why I was getting married. I thought long & hard. He's my best friend & I fancy his pants off! (I was young but I still think its a good answer!). My other reason in my head was...we will NEVER split-up. We will NEVER want to be with anyone else. Why not have a big party, tell the world & get a tax break! We're going to spend our entire lives together anyway!

 

My H was unfaithful. The lies were the worst thing. I used to joke he could never lie to me! He has the most honest face. I was so wrong! The EAs are WORSE than anything physical. He HELD HER HAND! He said "I LOVE YOU". I feal nauseas writing this! DON'T UNDERPLAY THE EA!!! From your post & all the discussion it's like you would never of told about the EA & feeling love but the ONS is SO BAD YOU MUST CONFESS! I don't think your wife is going to see it that way.

 

The big question seems to of become "Should he tell?". In my little fantasy world I think I want my innocence. I would love to not know but I would HATE to have that kind of relationship! If I knew my husband wasn't crippled with guilt & HAD to TELL I wouldn't of married him!! We aren't just some couple who got married & then got lost in kids, work & life. We built a life together. Years of intimacy. Partying, traveling, playing. I believed we had a better relationship than any other couple. No matter how much I wish the information wasn't in my head the truth is it happened. Once it's happened things will NEVER be the same until she goes back to knowing more about you than any other human being on this planet. That's the big thing for me! SHE knows things I don't about my life & my H. That's NOT what our M is based on.

 

I'm proud & EVERY SINGLE DAY that you don't tell is a day that M is a lie! My existence is a lie. TELL HER!! Your 'affair' lasts as long as the secrets do. When did your EA start? That's day 1. The day you tell is the last day. How long has your 'affair' lasted already?

 

I might be very different from your wife. Others advise might be better. I honestly don't know! If it were me I'd want to know yesterday. I'd wish you came home & told me. I think she will understand the sex more than the EA. I'm tempted to say "Play that down" but I get the feeling that you guys are so close you need to be completely honest (but choose your words kindly).

The advise that worries me the most is the 'Have support ready' & 'Use a therapist'. I'm very private & very proud. My H is the ONLY person who knows my true soul, everything. I would HATE for anyone else to know. I would HATE bringing a friend, family or proffesional into this. It's always been "You & me babe against the world!" why would I want others to know & judge this? Only I can judge my H because only I know him, truly know him.

 

I hope she knows you well enough to forgive this & move on. I HONESTLY & COMPLETELY forgave & forgot my H's 'FIRST' affair! Yep! I can't even start to explain how the latest s**t has hit me. Everything I've said seems like bollocks now it's happened again!! But when it first happened.....yes! I forgave. I understood. It was completely gone from my head & heart. I hope you will have the same. Tell the truth. That you love her more than life itself but MEAN IT!!!

 

Just wanted to say I had a hunch my wife would most closely identify with your views. I don't know but I followed much of your advise for that reason. I know her heart enough to know she would want to know. In fact she thinks, in her words to not tell her something like this in the hopes of making her feel good or stay happy is like "emotional rape". She wants to decide whether she want to be with as who I really am. She also like you did not want anyone to know and I brought support but left them in the dark as far as what was going on so I was able to call them off and they where none the wiser.

[Mr1oyalty]

 

I also believe a person should listen to their heart. Your heart is telling you to confess. You need to do what you feel is right, but be prepared for the back lash. Support her, be willing to do MC and help her heal. Again, I wish you the best.

 

I think this is very true, you need to know your own heart and in my case it was more about her heart and what she would feel was right. I knew with my wife and particular she would want to know. She would take the red pill when it comes to the matrix for sure lol.

[mineral27]

If he owns his actions, he may have a shot at building a new marriage. If he in any way portrays himself as a "victim", a smart woman is going to throw him out on his ass.

 

Could not agree with this more ... If he portrays himself as the victim (where the wife is the real victim!), I think his chances of saving the marriage are exactly 0%.

 

 

edit: just saw you already told your wife, Mr1oyalty! I think you did it in the best possible way, acting responsible, being honest and open about everything.

Good luck, I think your marriage is on the right track to recovery

Edited September 10, 2015 by mineral27

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so glad that you guys are going to make it! It truly sounds like you are.

 

When I read the texts between my H & the OW I was so hurt because he used 'My phrases'. I have a different way of talking & kind of make-up my own words so it was easy to spot! He called her "Lovely Lady" that's my term of endearment for my friend. He said things to her that I'd said to him many times.

 

When you said, (quote) "She was a little hurt/confused by the connection and emotions that I felt with OW as she feels that's how she is and was with me as she says the emotions I described about OW are the emotions and the level of intensity she felt in the beginning for me.". This is what I thought, 'Its just like my H's messages to her!

As time has passed in the last months the shock has started to wain & my H has analyzed his words & actions. He says he now doesn't recognize the person he was. He recognizes that it was a fantasy. I wonder if you, like him, we're expressing feelings & using phrases for your fantasy from your REAL LIFE & that's why she recognizes herself in your words to the OW??

 

My H also sent her my wine, my music, my flowers. It almost felt like he was turning her into me!

 

It's great that you guys are bonding & talking through this. She won't get over this as fast as she seems to! I've reached the point that there's nothing much more to say about the A but it's all still spinning around in my head. I don't want to be "picking the scab" but I HATE the feeling that's it's all past & gone for my H.

Take some time to truly analyze what you were saying & feeling at the time & how you see yourself now. I know you are but I think men put more priority on sex & project that. For me it's the emotional stuff that sticks. I was out of the bath & wrapped in a towel. My H came up to me all adoring & said "Ohhh what are you wearing?"...I nearly vomited!! It's something he wrote to her!! I know it's impossible to avoid triggers. Just don't be too surprised when even months from now things hit her hard.

 

Best wishes. I truly mean that. I see a lot of us in the way you talk about your relationship. Maybe I just strongly empathize with your wife. I think we would be great friends!

[coryreply]

I'm proud of you, bro. Stay the course. All of this will be a process for her to work through.

[waterwoman]

Fingers crossed for you both.

[merrmeade]

Wow. I was not sure about coming back to LS but very glad that this was the first thing I read. I'm so proud of you, too, and impressed that you were able to understand the spirit of all the advice you got and opened up to your wife so completely. Also impressed with HER, vetting all her questions and need to confirm all you said for herself by impersonating you with OW. What a crazy but wonderfully cathartic ending. And you, not defensive, but backing off and letting her do what she needed to do. It's really what's supposed to happen. I will always remember this story and both of you.

 

I suspect, however, that it's not as "over" as you might think. It will come back to her, and she might cycle again and again through the disbelief, grief and anger. You will prove yourself by letting that happen and giving, being what she needs.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Wait until the anger stage sets in....then tell us it's all roses and rainbows. It won't be. She is in shock, you totally destroyed her life, it just hasn't hit her yet. It will. Sorry to burst your happy little *I got away with it* bubble. Don't think you can sit back and pat yourself on the back just yet. It can take YEARS. Your M will never be the same again.

[anika99]

"She said she believed me but had to make sure and erase all doubt. So she told me to call OW right then on speaker and pretend I want to be with her, tell her I been thinking of her and apologize to her, then tell her I have to go but I will talk to her later. I didn't want to do this but didn't resist as wife seemed like she would cringe if I showed even the slightest current basic human care for OW. Anyway OW was quick to forgive me on the phone and started crying saying she feels bad about what she did, but she just feels like we are meant to be. My wife was looking at me very intently so it was awkward to say the least, OW ate it up and I told her I would talk to her later. After I did that my wife took laptop and left the room with the phone, she started texting OW as me constantly through the night and through all of Saturday while asking me questions here and there. She also was watching me as if I might try to tell OW it was not me she was texting, so I couldn't really use the net over the weekend. I still don't know what all my wife did in my name yet as she deleted some stuff from other woman. I know she must have verified what she wanted because Sunday morning she made my favorite breakfast "

 

Wait! What about the above? Does the OW still think you want to be with her and that you will talk to her later? I do think this OW took advantage of you by initiating sex while you were sleeping, even if it was not sexual assault as you say you fully awoke and then became the more active participant. So this OW knew all along that you loved your wife and waited for the perfect time and situation to encourage and assist you in breaking your marriage vows. To me that makes this OW a rather nasty person with an ugly inside.

 

All that being said there is something disturbing about what you did above. Obviously your wife has decided to place all the blame on the OW. That is understandable as it makes it easier for her to forgive you if she turns the OW into a villain and you into a victim, so I get her reasoning. However I'm not sure it's healthy for you to play along with it. I get that you have to show loyalty to your wife and that you also benefit from having your wife focus her anger and blame on the OW as it makes things sooo much easier on you. However you did participate in the sex and the flirtations leading up to it. You gave the OW flattery, attention, and ego strokes which is what led up to the OW believing she had something going on with you. I think you need to make it clear to your wife that the OW is not the only one to blame and that you are responsible for your own actions. Then I think you need to contact the OW with your wife present and first let her know that your wife knows absolutely everything and then tell her you love your wife and you never want to hear from the OW again. Then get down to the hard work of repairing your marriage. Enough using the OW as your scape goat.

[Mr1oyalty]

When I read the texts between my H & the OW I was so hurt because he used 'My phrases'. I have a different way of talking & kind of make-up my own words so it was easy to spot! He called her "Lovely Lady" that's my term of endearment for my friend. He said things to her that I'd said to him many times.

 

My H also sent her my wine, my music, my flowers. It almost felt like he was turning her into me!

 

 

 

As resilient as my wife is that would make avoiding triggers like avoiding stepping on ants on a side walk for my wife. I cant even say if she could endure that honestly even though triggers are somewhat inevitable. I hope you don't mind me asking but did you have to change the way you guys talked? I have yet to see a definite trigger.

 

When you said, (quote) "She was a little hurt/confused by the connection and emotions that I felt with OW as she feels that's how she is and was with me as she says the emotions I described about OW are the emotions and the level of intensity she felt in the beginning for me.". This is what I thought, 'Its just like my H's messages to her!

I wonder if you, like him, we're expressing feelings & using phrases for your fantasy from your REAL LIFE & that's why she recognizes herself in your words to the OW??

 

No it was not the through the text that my wife knows how I felt about OW, she asked me questions about how I felt and I answered her truthfully.

The text actually were a lot of boasting about my wife and how lucky I felt to have her, usually it was in response to something OW would text about her ex or having relationships and working her busy job.

 

That is what a lot the text were like. Other then that it was just us talking about music, technology, art, life and things that me and OW have a passion for. The OW knew that I loved my wife though which is what sort of angers me now. She even stated herself in the texts "you think your wife is the best thing since sliced bread lol". However I can only assume she could see I found her attractive via her own emotions because there was times I thought there is no way I am the only one feeling this. Maybe I stared to long in her eyes, laughed to hard or who knows but something may have given it away. That's why I cut business ties with her just off the hunch that she was feeling the same as me.

The reason I didn't fully see my self in the EA is because although the feelings were there and emotions later got pretty strong. They were not the direct cause of anything even the PA, if it was any beautiful woman that night in that situation it may have likely still happened. Its just like getting an erection alone is not a PA, its more what you do with it. I got an emotional hard on so to speak but never actually did anything with the emotions and never would. My wife knows this but she is upset that I was that attracted to OW. This is why I was focused on the PA and I did project a little, as you say because that is where I actually no doubt crossed the line clearly.

It's great that you guys are bonding & talking through this. She won't get over this as fast as she seems to! I've reached the point that there's nothing much more to say about the A but it's all still spinning around in my head. I don't want to be "picking the scab" but I HATE the feeling that's it's all past & gone for my H.

 

I know your right, its a matter of time and effort certainly and the relationship will be somewhat forever changed. I thought I was bullet proof and would never do something so hurtful to her of all people. It will never be past and gone for me, ever! Even if she at some point she got over it. I need to remember what I am capable of for my daughter and wife's safety. For her its healthy if she can get to past and gone, but for me that would be quite stupid. At this point If she does pick the "scab" It would be expected but she has not been anything but loving. In fact maybe if I appear more upbeat she will respond differently now that you mention about the past and gone feeling. I think she feels the opposite that I may be becoming depressed or something so she is trying look out for me still which is who she is. I moved my fathers day plaques and stuff from her out of my sight as I don't wanna get complacent again thinking everything is fine. That is part of how or why affair happened, unless I was vigilant about protecting this marriage there would be the same outcome under the same circumstances. My wife later put all my gifts and plaques back saying that is not who I am, she wants the stuff up. I think she believes in me and perhaps backs me to a fault. She is not happy go lucky all day though if that's how it comes across, but she smiles and sometimes cries, sometimes both at the same time. She was definitely happy this morning as even my daughter, who has an eye for these things ask why she was so happy having stole my dads home made beef jerky from me. At least you guys have me prepared though for some explosion now I will be analyzing her closely and ready.

[Mr1oyalty]

 

Wait! What about the above? Does the OW still think you want to be with her and that you will talk to her later? I do think this OW took advantage of you by initiating sex while you were sleeping, even if it was not sexual assault as you say you fully awoke and then became the more active participant. So this OW knew all along that you loved your wife and waited for the perfect time and situation to encourage and assist you in breaking your marriage vows. To me that makes this OW a rather nasty person with an ugly inside.

 

All that being said there is something disturbing about what you did above. Obviously your wife has decided to place all the blame on the OW. That is understandable as it makes it easier for her to forgive you if she turns the OW into a villain and you into a victim, so I get her reasoning. However I'm not sure it's healthy for you to play along with it. I get that you have to show loyalty to your wife and that you also benefit from having your wife focus her anger and blame on the OW as it makes things sooo much easier on you. However you did participate in the sex and the flirtations leading up to it. You gave the OW flattery, attention, and ego strokes which is what led up to the OW believing she had something going on with you. I think you need to make it clear to your wife that the OW is not the only one to blame and that you are responsible for your own actions. Then I think you need to contact the OW with your wife present and first let her know that your wife knows absolutely everything and then tell her you love your wife and you never want to hear from the OW again. Then get down to the hard work of repairing your marriage. Enough using the OW as your scape goat.

 

No, my wife ended things for me, or tried to, and did so on a bad note. She never revealed that it was her texting. My wife forwarded everything to her phone so I will see it all in context before we talk to OW. I got a lot of "go f### yourself" like texts after I got the phone back, and yesterday she text "can we talk please, If you care for me at all you will answer". I let her know we will talk soon, but I won't be answering her calls or text till then. To be honest I want to be level headed and not overly harsh as there are business factors I have to consider with how I will proceed from here as well as everything else. Also it looks like OW may have sent pics of herself to me/wife, I have not focused on any of this though currently I have been focused on things between me and my wife. This is all mentally tiring so its one thing at a time.

 

Also I never blamed the OW or used her as a scape goat, my wife probably does blame her some. Its impossible to describe our entire relationship and history but when my wife and I talk that it all plays a major role I think from her perspective as to why she may blame the OW as well as me. I can not make her pissed at me, I made it clear (I) messed up. There is nothing else for me to say as far as what happened, my wife knows things I don't even remember from texting the other woman, like I called the OW by my W's name before I opened my eyes. With what I wrote down and her text she knows who did what and for how long thing I don't know about OW feelings. You're right though I will have my wife present when I talk to OW.

[Mr1oyalty]

Wait until the anger stage sets in....then tell us it's all roses and rainbows. It won't be. She is in shock, you totally destroyed her life, it just hasn't hit her yet. It will. Sorry to burst your happy little *I got away with it* bubble. Don't think you can sit back and pat yourself on the back just yet. It can take YEARS. Your M will never be the same again.

 

 

Certainly its not roses and rainbows, but we have had picnics with thorns and dark clouds around and funeral with rainbows and roses so that may be why it seems that way. Maybe I gave the impression there are no tears but that is not the case. I don't know if its equating love with happiness that makes it seem that way but there is a lot of love being expressed in the pain of all this. She could be in shock, it is certainly possible. She has been so amazing I can not put it into words though and it could be her having my back as that is her nature. Or maybe that is shock.

 

As far as getting away with it....that's not exactly the feeling. I could go into detail and tell you what it feels like but it would more then likely do more harm then good. Its not exactly robbing a bank. More like driving off a cliff with your family on board because you got a selfish urge for excitement and pleasure. Getting away with it does not fit because, well, driving for your family will indeed never be the same. To be honest you may not even want to drive anymore.

[Mr1oyalty]

Yes merrmeade she is indeed impressive! and yeah you all may be right, I just have seen her in crisis and this why it throws me just a little. It is not totally out of her character at all though.

[Mr1oyalty]

Thanks Cory, Waterwoman, and Mineral27 lots of good advise here.

[strugglinghubby]

Wow, I really want to commend you for how you've conducted yourself after the A buddy. As a recently BS if my wife would've acted the way you have it would be so much easier to accept and move on with to try and R.

 

As others have said just remember that your BS is going to be on a roller coaster with this. Things will be all fine one minute and the littlest thing will bring on 'movies' running through her mind as to what was going on. She may not be speaking to you about them but trust me they are there. I still get woken up at 2am with bad dreams and lay in bed until my alarm goes off running the text messages and piecing things together in my mind picturing the two of them together.

 

As a BS I encourage you to pay close attention to her, if she seems a little off and withdrawn ask her what's on her mind. Then listen completely apologetically, remorseful and supportive. I find this helps me, talking about it helps me to process it. She's really going to need your strength (which you clearly have lots of) going forward, be there for her. Put her as your first priority with everything.

 

I really hope you guys work it out.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Certainly its not roses and rainbows, but we have had picnics with thorns and dark clouds around and funeral with rainbows and roses so that may be why it seems that way. Maybe I gave the impression there are no tears but that is not the case. I don't know if its equating love with happiness that makes it seem that way but there is a lot of love being expressed in the pain of all this. She could be in shock, it is certainly possible. She has been so amazing I can not put it into words though and it could be her having my back as that is her nature. Or maybe that is shock.

 

As far as getting away with it....that's not exactly the feeling. I could go into detail and tell you what it feels like but it would more then likely do more harm then good. Its not exactly robbing a bank. More like driving off a cliff with your family on board because you got a selfish urge for excitement and pleasure. Getting away with it does not fit because, well, driving for your family will indeed never be the same. To be honest you may not even want to drive anymore.

 

As I said, it hasn't even started yet. At the moment she's in a blind panic, not really sure what to do. One minute she's all over you the next she's crying? It will hit her soon enough. Trust me, been there done that. It can take days/weeks/months, even YEARS for that part to come. Took 2 years to hit me fully. Then I left. Yup...it happens. As I said, don't think you can rest up on this. No amount of appologies will matter one jot if she ever gets to feel the way I did, I was never a cheater, I held my vows with the highest regards, nothing and NO-ONE was going to ruin it. Turns out, H ruined it by doing the nasty to me. So yeah.....enjoy the *calm* you have now. It won't last. Sorry if you think i'm a downer....as I said, been there, done that, got the decree absolute.

[afoolto no end]

I think the honesty you have shown and the openness in all this has been crucial for your wife......you have allowed her to put a time line on the affair instead of guessing what happened and who's fault it is......

She will process this information slowly and hopefully logically and then decide what she can live with in order to feel good about herself and your marriage.

I would remain open and willing to do things her way now.......I know when I first found out about my husband's affair, I went into the fight part of the fight or flight concept. I would go down fighting for my life and if I failed at least I tried, I wasn't about to let someone else take my life just because she spread her legs for a few weeks.

Your wife feels in control of how this process will play out for her.

She is in shock of course so there are no guarantees so prepare yourself, she has every right to say you are no longer good enough for her ........

The OW has to go there can't be any more contact or your wife will feel like she is being stabbed everyday.......don't do that to her..........it is excruciating pain....

Be the man she believed you to be.....

[Mr1oyalty]

As I said, it hasn't even started yet. At the moment she's in a blind panic, not really sure what to do. One minute she's all over you the next she's crying? It will hit her soon enough. Trust me, been there done that. It can take days/weeks/months, even YEARS for that part to come. Took 2 years to hit me fully. Then I left. Yup...it happens. As I said, don't think you can rest up on this. No amount of appologies will matter one jot if she ever gets to feel the way I did, I was never a cheater, I held my vows with the highest regards, nothing and NO-ONE was going to ruin it. Turns out, H ruined it by doing the nasty to me. So yeah.....enjoy the *calm* you have now. It won't last. Sorry if you think i'm a downer....as I said, been there, done that, got the decree absolute.

 

No downer at all, that is why I am here. I love your honesty, it may be what helps me to help her before she feels that way or at least make things easy as possible for her. I am happy you comment what you feel, your perspective, and experience so I can look for things that may possibly help my wife.

Its not really a change in her emotions though to where I would say she is up and down. I can best describe as "intensity" I don't know about panic but maybe the blind part I can't say. It is when she is all over me telling me that she loves me that she might have shed a tear, she often may be smiling too, then there are times when I will hold her and tell her I know I f###** up and she will start kissing me telling me I got this don't worry, she will sing to me, which she knows I love. She is not crying like sniffles or "facial" crying, the last I saw that was Dday. Yesterday I seen her looking at my phone and when I sneak up on her and hugged her she turned around and teared up and told me not to let anything come between us, she then laughed and said she needs to teach me what it looks like when a woman is flirting cause I am a total idiot. Also she is like a dream wife more so now then ever before, she even has my daughter on cloud 9 right now with them both singing and smiling. While I am worried and watching for the next step I must say even if this is a stage it is one moment and feeling I will never forget. Does this sound familiar to you? Did you blow your H away for a while after Dday? Do you remember something like this? What was next? More details as to how you transitioned emotionally would be appreciated.

 

Also its beyond commendable your dedication to your vows, you sound like an awesome person and I am sure your H enjoyed having you in his corner for however long it lasted. If my wife was to leave at this point it would not be so bad if that was the better choice for her well being. In fact if years from now she was in pain or just wanted out I would be here asking how to make the (D) easy on her and my daughter. Hopefully that is not the case but know one knows the future or even if we will be here for it. I try to take it moment by moment.