How likely is it that the MW will leave her husband?

[prufrock]

Thanks everyone for your responses and encouragement. I know I need to find the strength and courage to break this off somehow. Deep down I can see that this "relationship" is going nowhere and is potentially if not already hurting a lot of people, including myself.

[rhymemepoet]

Prufrock,

 

It has been over a year since me and MW have parted ways. We too were locked up in an extraordinarily intense emotional/sexual affair.

 

I am writing this post because I know how you feel and I sincerely think that hearing my message will help you, even if just a little.

 

First, let me qualify this by telling you that my affair partner and I spent six days a week together, usually for more than five or six hours a day. Our sexual bond never dissipated and our relationship survived two ddays. MW has no children (can't, which is probably why I was so attracted instinctively to her.

 

MW was a split self type of affair partner and loved me for the emotional bond as well as loving her husband for the familiar bond. The very fact that he stays with her regardless of how many betrayals he endures (I assure you I was not the first OM he had to swallow - omg, seriously no pun intended). Ok that even grossed new out thinking about it.

 

The sick part was how much thrill I got knowing that he was a cuckold and I was the charming man I shiny armor. Looking back I realize that my ego was running the show the entire time.

 

Ok, so you know that I was in up to my eyeballs in this. The reason my affair ended funny enough was because MW could not stand or tolerate my relationship with my wife. This was made even more glaring because MW developed close bond with my two young children and knowing that the bond I shared with their mother even though we hardly spoke during the first two and a half years of the affair. What turned the screw was when my wife began to court my return to the family (wife left me and really hurt me financially when we separated, I lost everything I had built). MW could not deal with this and she realized that I was not the same man she thought she fell in love with three years earlier.

 

Looking back prufrock, I immediately associate with how you feel. Having something so powerful that ends each day in disappointment. I recall watching the recent remake of Anna Karenina, written by Tolstoy. Tolstoy knew the insanity if affairs very well to have written such a masterpiece. The funniest thing about this movie is that it was the only movie me and MW watched together in three years dating. This is evidence of how intense the sexual attraction was that we were always so passionate that the thought of sitting in a theatre fit so long was a turnoff. Anyway before I digress further, there was a powerful point in the film when Vronski, Anna's lover, was confronted by his childhood friend. His friend explained to Vronski How love with a woman was like a power pack that allowed a man to climb the ladder up in life. He went on to explain how the relationship with Anna gave him that same power pack but because she was married he could not out it in his back and free his hands to climb. Instead, Vronski had to hold the pack allowing him to go nowhere.

 

This allegory fits you and I perfectly. We hold onto this powerful energy but because we need to hold on with both hands we are not free to move up.

 

As I write to you I feel a little bit guilty because I realize how lucky I am to have my family to fall back on after this relationship. I do not have a good relationship with my wife still but there is peace in my heart being a family again even without any sexual or romantic connection. Having this peace allows me to be much more pragmatic about the affair.

 

I will be honest, I think of MW all the time at least every day still. I am not emotionally charged about these thoughts, but they are there like an old drug habit.

 

One of the hardest things to manage is the thoughts about where all the love and feelings disappeared to. I chose to take a positive approach to the affair and feel that I'm lucky to have had the experience of intense feelings and sexual satisfaction, yet I remind myself that it is the feelings that I fell in love with, not the person I was having them with.

 

Prufrock, let's be honest together, we enjoyed the intense feelings just like an addict enjoys the highs. But it has to come to an end at some point. For crying out loud, even my old man gave up cigarettes after forty years. Even the most addictive relationship must come to an end.

 

I also feel that what helps me the most is to view MW in a positive light and to be thankful that she has let me go. I'm an adult and I know she must have the same feelings coursing through her body, yet the strength in really saying goodbye is more of a gift to me than to her.

 

It was a beautiful experience, but it came at a price. I'm satisfied that the price I have paid was worth the admission into fantasy land.

 

So here is my advice to you: try hard to see that you feel in love with how you feel in love. You loved the way you liked the way you talked the way you walked, everything felt better about yourself when in love with this woman.

 

But it was not her that you love. You love being in love and I guarantee that if you were so unlucky that she actually left her husband to be with you, you would quickly become her husband. You should be so thankful that you were on the OM corner of the love triangle, because the cuckold does not enjoy the affair as much as you did.

 

She is not going to change and you just got a free ride for a while, but do you really want to be in her car when it eventually goes off the cliff? Take a good look at the ground running by as the time flies and remember that the road you are in had a definite abrupt end followed by a sheer cliff into an abyss. Yes, I agree jumping out of the moving car now will mean a bumpy landing some scrapes and bruises, but you get to stand up and walk again, eventually you'll get back to normal and find love when you're ready. But Prufrock, just like we see in the news, if you go over the falls with this one, you don't come back after that. There is a reason we see the death or mental of at least one of the points of the love triangle. Somebody has to pay the piper eventually. Even if it is not you who gets shot, how do you think it would feel if the BH kills himself. I would not wish that guilty feeling on an enemy.

 

You can not artificially end an affair, but you can exacerbate the cause to end it. Reveal your contempt and redirect your love somewhere else, and like a drug addict she will be looking for more potent stuffs elsewhere.

 

Good luck to you Prufrock. I hope you find peace in your heart and happiness in your soul. I hope we both find salvation again.

Edited September 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[norudder]

I was a mw and did divorce. Not for him but to live with integrity. People can and do change. It often takes something major and/or deeply sorrowful to be a catalyst. Like a death or a divorce. And therapy helps. You yourself realized you were letting your ego run the show but are in a different place now and see things differently now. I know youre meaning to empathize and support op. I'm not trying to give him hope, my exmm is still married. What I've stopped doing though is judging him for that. So much of this board is about that.

 

OP try to focus on what you want like a hole in a puzzle and realize she just doesn't fit in her current form.

Edited September 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post and redacted response to removed content

[rhymemepoet]

Norudder, you strike a nerve saying that I never loved the MW for who she really is. I think that you say this as only a woman can. It is a dangerous deed for a man to give his heart to a woman who is not going to give it back.

 

I understand your predicament, so I don't begrudge your opinion, yet try to understand that my advice is given from neutral and unbiased territory. Albeit sincere, your underlying advice for prufrock can and will only benefit his MW. From the tone and tenor of his post I will explicitly state that he has absolutely nothing more to gain and everything to lose. Jump ship Prufrock, you don't want to wait for the icebergs.

[ShatteredLady]

Prufrock. You've heard the mermaids singing but it's never been real, not really. Get out & start building a true life if that's what you really want. Would you of divorced your wife if there had never been an OW? Do you yearn for the security & intimacy of a good M or are you really happier chasing the high? 6 years is a very long time to be going on like this. You must of had this conversation over the years. What does she say? Does she have a young family?

[thecharade]

I left my M because I had to. Marriages end because you need to leave, and going "to" something played no part. At that time, there was no one anyway. The "leaving something" is why SOME affairs help to keep an M together, because the unhappy spouse becomes happy enough (in life) to stay. But marriages should only end because you must leave, not because there is somewhere better to go. "Better" is so subjective.

 

Maybe you are helping her to avoid a painful truth, that she is in an unhappy M?

[Babs22]

Prufrock. You've heard the mermaids singing but it's never been real, not really. Get out & start building a true life if that's what you really want. Would you of divorced your wife if there had never been an OW? Do you yearn for the security & intimacy of a good M or are you really happier chasing the high? 6 years is a very long time to be going on like this. You must of had this conversation over the years. What does she say? Does she have a young family?

 

Prufrock, I wondered the same thing that ShatteredLady asked. Does your MW have a young family? I am a MW in a 2.5 year A with MM. I was ready to leave my H after one year. Then my teenage son started having mental health difficulties and I felt it best if my H and I were both home together with him. Our M is not a happy one, but we stay. My son is 17 and in his last year of high school. Once my son is stable mentally and finished with high school, we will get a D. Have you had conversations over the years? What does she say? Is she staying for the kids?

 

In my case my MM does not have kids, but it seems pretty obvious that he does not plan to leave his W. I don't believe he loves her, but I do believe the idea of getting a D (his second) is distasteful, both socially and financially. I think his status as a MM is important to him. He doesn't mind living with someone he has called a roommate. I on the other hand, am unhappy and do not want to be with my H, not as a roommate or otherwise. I still plan to leave my M eventually and it is not because of MM, it is because I don't want to be married to my H any longer MM or no MM. I feel for you and how your heart must break at the idea of ending your relationship with your MW. I think we both deserve to eventually be with someone where we are number 1. Good luck.

[prufrock]

Thanks everyone, for all your support. It really helps to read about your experiences and advice.

 

She has a teenage child. We talk about our future once in a while. The impression I get is that she's unlikely to leave as she is more comfortable being in this position, even though her M is not a happy one. She's said in the past that she would prefer not to leave her husband but just wait until the M falls apart "naturally". I'm thinking maybe we should have another conversation soon. We spend so much of the time talking about the day-to-day stuff that we hardly ever stop to take stock of our situation.

 

I guess the question for me is what do I want? Would it be better for me to have a part of her than to have nothing at all? The future is so uncertain and I am afraid to make that leap into the unknown... without her... How can I find the courage to break this off? And is having no contact at all really the best way to go if I do?

Edited September 4, 2015 by prufrock

[Friskyone4u]

prufrock

 

I think YOU hit it right on the head when you said that you were in your late 50's and the thought of starting over was daunting to you. The thought of getting out and dating scares you I think you said something to that effect. That is understandable and probably pretty normal for a man or woman.

 

In a book called "His Needs, Her Needs", the author says that a man's primary need in a marriage or long term relationship is SEX. That supercedes emotional or other things. Not saying they are not important but sex is mans primary need.

 

The reason you are so scared to end this is because you are getting your primary need met and if you leave you have to pursue women with no guarantee of success. At 50, that is a scary proposition even though there are a lot of women that age out there. A 50 year old woman who is reasonable fit will have no trouble finding a sex partner, although for women emotional needs usually come first.

 

If this OW had stopped having sex with you and just wanted to be "friends" platonically, do you really think you would be this torn. You would end the relationship in a New York second as far as sitting around "pining" for her.

 

As others have said, your OW is enjoying a six your dose of cake eating at its highest level. Stable family life and you on the side for fun. Why on earth would she bail on that, especially since her husband must be in Disneyland not to have stumbled accross you in 6 years. She is emotionally in love with you both and has the best of both worlds.

 

I am sure this is a tough decision for you, but if she is not dependent on her husband for her lifestyle, she is going nowhere no matter how much you talk.

 

And you got correct advice that most ( who knows the exact percentages) that relationships borne out of infidelity do not have that great a success rate in the long term.

 

Good luck to you.

[prufrock]

Thanks for your thoughts. She's told me that she has not been having sex with her husband during this time and I would like to believe that. But... I suppose they all say that? If sex is man's primary need then her H would not stay in this M if he's not been getting any sex for the last 6 years. And I'm pretty sure he's not in an affair himself.

[FusionCutter]

Thanks for your thoughts. She's told me that she has not been having sex with her husband during this time and I would like to believe that. But... I suppose they all say that? If sex is man's primary need then her H would not stay in this M if he's not been getting any sex for the last 6 years. And I'm pretty sure he's not in an affair himself.

 

You should treat her like she sleeps with her husband. Of course she does.

[sandylee1]

Thanks for your thoughts. She's told me that she has not been having sex with her husband during this time and I would like to believe that. But... I suppose they all say that? If sex is man's primary need then her H would not stay in this M if he's not been getting any sex for the last 6 years. And I'm pretty sure he's not in an affair himself.

 

Why dont you think he could be having an affair? He's not the type? Isn't mobile? Do you know him?

 

She isn't leaving him. You can get another woman. Just look at all the single OW here and on dating sites. You have a lot of choice, as long as you have a good personality, average looks, reasonable job and put in a little effort.

 

You don't need to be the OM. You're worth more than that.