Strongrunner Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 To cut a long story short, I found inappropriate text messages between my boyfriend and another woman. He met her once and she contacted him a year later. She knows my man is in a relationship but she pursued him anyway. My man was flattered, flirted got carried away and it broke my heart to see the messages. They are both to blame I know that! But my man said if he felt anything for her he would be with her not me. He said he was flattered and just got carried away. He told her not to contact him anymore. But she still does, and it has caused many arguments. The last e-mail went along the lines of I know you told me not to contact you, but I'm single and I contact who I want so sod it. Then went on to share an Instagram quote saying pretty much don't sacrifice your happiness to make someone else happy while you are in misery! This angered me so much. I just can't deal with this anymore. My man keeps saying he can't control what she sends, but he can ignore it. I just feel the emotional cheating took the trust, then now this woman is acting stalker like. But then I think where does she get all these ideas from, thinking he is miserable for example? I just feel like ending things for good with my man, because every time I hear his phone go, I think it's her. I always want to check his phone when his back is turned. I have never been like this. I only checked it the once when he started been guarded with his phone. I'm not happy at all :-( How do I deal with this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 The short answer is that if she's still contacting him, it's because he's letting her. Unless this is about her showing up at his front door in the middle of the night, he's letting her continue the contact. If she *is* truly stalking him, he needs to get a restraining order. But that's not what this sounds like. If I were in your shoes, I would resist every impulse to make this about the other woman. It's his problem. Yet you seem more upset at her than him. Why? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 To cut a long story short, I found inappropriate text messages between my boyfriend and another woman. He met her once and she contacted him a year later. She knows my man is in a relationship but she pursued him anyway. My man was flattered, flirted got carried away and it broke my heart to see the messages. They are both to blame I know that! But my man said if he felt anything for her he would be with her not me. He said he was flattered and just got carried away. He told her not to contact him anymore. But she still does, and it has caused many arguments. The last e-mail went along the lines of I know you told me not to contact you, but I'm single and I contact who I want so sod it. Then went on to share an Instagram quote saying pretty much don't sacrifice your happiness to make someone else happy while you are in misery! This angered me so much. I just can't deal with this anymore. My man keeps saying he can't control what she sends, but he can ignore it. I just feel the emotional cheating took the trust, then now this woman is acting stalker like. But then I think where does she get all these ideas from, thinking he is miserable for example? I just feel like ending things for good with my man, because every time I hear his phone go, I think it's her. I always want to check his phone when his back is turned. I have never been like this. I only checked it the once when he started been guarded with his phone. I'm not happy at all :-( How do I deal with this? You deal with it by kicking his lying ass to the curb. She gets these ideas about him being miserable because he is talking out f both sides of his mouth See if he really had any intention of stopping the ego kibbles he is getting from her he would have blocked her email and other avenues of contact between them long ago, like about the first time you voiced your concerns. That is exactly how he how he could control the situation That's kind of a no brainer for people involved in committed relationships, regardless of gender. Your Boyfriend is full of crap. I'd say the same ting to you if it was you doing this to him. Life is too short to continue in a relationship where one person continues to cross boundaries and then claim ignorance when confronted about it. You only know what you can prove. There is more to this story than you know. Get rid of him TONIGHT or you'll be sorry. I implore you to not put up with one more second of it. Put your foot so far up his ass he tastes your toenail polish. lol. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 And you're still with this guy because....? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Why has he not blocked her? If he really wanted to, he could put an end to it immediately. Your real problem isn't her - it's him. He likes the attention. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 (edited) Exactly, as the others have said. This woman owes you nothing. She is single and can do as she pleases. She has made no commitment or promises to you. Your BF on the other hand. He is not single and he has made promises to you (whether explicitly or implicitly). He owes you fidelity and respect. He is giving you neither. He is acting totally inappropriately. If he wanted to shut this problem down then he could do it very easily. Just call her up, tell her not to contact him ever again, then block her on all social media, redirect her emails to trash, delete her number and never reply. Even if she does somehow manage to get something through to him, if he ignores it, she will get bored of trying and stop. The only reason she carries on trying is that he is leaving the door slightly ajar. If he were to slam the door then she would not bother any more. You should tell him that if he wants to leave the door ajar for other women, then you don't want to be in a relationship with him. Also ask to see his phone and email. As someone who had an emotional affair, your trust for him is zero. If he refuses, or needs some time before letting you see, well, there's probably a good reason for that. Edited September 2, 2015 by PegNosePete 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 To cut a long story short, I found inappropriate text messages between my boyfriend and another woman. He met her once and she contacted him a year later. She knows my man is in a relationship but she pursued him anyway. My man was flattered, flirted got carried away and it broke my heart to see the messages. They are both to blame I know that! But my man said if he felt anything for her he would be with her not me. He said he was flattered and just got carried away. He told her not to contact him anymore. But she still does, and it has caused many arguments. The last e-mail went along the lines of I know you told me not to contact you, but I'm single and I contact who I want so sod it. Then went on to share an Instagram quote saying pretty much don't sacrifice your happiness to make someone else happy while you are in misery! This angered me so much. I just can't deal with this anymore. My man keeps saying he can't control what she sends, but he can ignore it. I just feel the emotional cheating took the trust, then now this woman is acting stalker like. But then I think where does she get all these ideas from, thinking he is miserable for example? I just feel like ending things for good with my man, because every time I hear his phone go, I think it's her. I always want to check his phone when his back is turned. I have never been like this. I only checked it the once when he started been guarded with his phone. I'm not happy at all :-( How do I deal with this? Ask him to put a block on her number through the phone company and, there is usually a way to block emails as well and I'm not sure about Instagram, but there probably is a way to do that too. If he refuses, you leave. Don't put up an ultimatum, simply say "I think it would be a good idea to block her number and her emails". Don't tell him do it or else. Ask him, observe his response. If he doesn't do it, "I am sorry but I cannot trust you and I am moving on". Plain and simple. This is a trust issue now. Trust is the very foundation for a good relationship. Trust is very difficult to rebuild. The only way to even attempt it on his part would be to comply with that request immediately. Any hesitation even would be enough for me to move on. You called him out on it once already. This is not baseball, no three strikes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 But then I think where does she get all these ideas from, thinking he is miserable for example? Why, she gets it from your 'innocent' boyfriend, that's who. The boyfriend who gave her his contact information a year ago, that's who. The boyfriend who refuses to BLOCK her. That's where she's getting the idea that he's so 'miserable.' Most cheaters do this crap - tell their conquests how 'miserable' they are but they have to stay in this oh so 'miserable' relationship because they're locked in and all this nonsense. You're only seeing HER texts and emails. He's deleting his. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Another vote for the problem being your bf not blocking her. She's attention seeking; otherwise, she'd not have made the "sod it" comment to get a rise out of him. Of course, that could have been a clever smoke-screen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 strongrunner: i agree he is letting her.most guys enjoy the attention from other women, somehow it feels good trust me. the only diffrence is the mature among us understands that it is unappropriated an selfish to let it escalate. they are 2 possible explanations i can see 1: he is immature and/or selfish that he can't see how is this affecting you. for him is no harm. 2- he is a player looking for a chance to explore what she could give him what you need to do is to have a calm conversation with him, no attacks or accusations, just honesty, explain to him how hurt you are, and ask him to block her. if he cares about you he will do it for you otherwise leave him explore what she could give him and move on Link to post Share on other sites
Author Strongrunner Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 Thank you all for your advice. He blocked her number so she couldn't call and text, so she resulted to his icloud e-mail. You are right I have no idea what he has been telling her. Obviously not the best comments if she thinks he is living in misery! I have spoken to my guy (that is on borrowed time). He has blocked her e-mail and swears he won't contact her again. I have to trust him, but the trust has gone! What gets me is why she is interested in a guy that would talk to her like he did while in a relationship. Surely he would do the same to her? I'm tired of the whole thing to be honest, I think I might just leave them both to it! Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Thank you all for your advice. He blocked her number so she couldn't call and text, so she resulted to his icloud e-mail. You are right I have no idea what he has been telling her. Obviously not the best comments if she thinks he is living in misery! I have spoken to my guy (that is on borrowed time). He has blocked her e-mail and swears he won't contact her again. I have to trust him, but the trust has gone! What gets me is why she is interested in a guy that would talk to her like he did while in a relationship. Surely he would do the same to her? I'm tired of the whole thing to be honest, I think I might just leave them both to it! It doesn't matter what's going on with this woman. I would say she is at best, desperate and at the worst, some kind of catfisher or nut. That is a very good response from him. Give him some time and observe. And, now what I think you might want to delve into some, is find out what the root cause of all this is. He admitted that he was flattered by it. Why does he need that kind of validation or ego boost? Is he bored? Is he not feeling as loved as he once was? What's going on to cause him to go that way. I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong, but are there any other indicators that you notice about him that might make you think he is somehow not feeling validated or attractive, etc. It's just food for MORE thought, as if you need more Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 If the trust is gone, break up with him. Problem solved. Stop complicating your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Strongrunner Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 I look after him on all levels. He is an handsome guy I tell him as much. In the bedroom I tire him out, we talk about everything, so I thought! I think he is feeling a little insecure, he hasn't been well recently and I think this is maybe why he is looking for the validation? When I compliment him it's like it doesn't count because I'm his girlfriend. We are planning a future, we have shared goals. So I really don't get it. I was hoping it was a guy thing the validation, but without crossing the line! It doesn't matter what's going on with this woman. I would say she is at best, desperate and at the worst, some kind of catfisher or nut. That is a very good response from him. Give him some time and observe. And, now what I think you might want to delve into some, is find out what the root cause of all this is. He admitted that he was flattered by it. Why does he need that kind of validation or ego boost? Is he bored? Is he not feeling as loved as he once was? What's going on to cause him to go that way. I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong, but are there any other indicators that you notice about him that might make you think he is somehow not feeling validated or attractive, etc. It's just food for MORE thought, as if you need more Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I look after him on all levels. He is an handsome guy I tell him as much. In the bedroom I tire him out, we talk about everything, so I thought! I think he is feeling a little insecure, he hasn't been well recently and I think this is maybe why he is looking for the validation? When I compliment him it's like it doesn't count because I'm his girlfriend. We are planning a future, we have shared goals. So I really don't get it. I was hoping it was a guy thing the validation, but without crossing the line! I told you once, and I'll tell you again. Get rid of him or you'll be sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 It doesn't matter what's going on with this woman. I would say she is at best, desperate and at the worst, some kind of catfisher or nut. That is a very good response from him. Give him some time and observe. And, now what I think you might want to delve into some, is find out what the root cause of all this is. He admitted that he was flattered by it. Why does he need that kind of validation or ego boost? Is he bored? Is he not feeling as loved as he once was? What's going on to cause him to go that way. I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong, but are there any other indicators that you notice about him that might make you think he is somehow not feeling validated or attractive, etc. It's just food for MORE thought, as if you need more it is a man thing, I don't want to say all men but every man I've known enjoy an interest from other woman we just act upon it differently. it doesn't necessary means that he doesn't love the OP, Stronrunner: he has done the right thing by blocking her, continue talking to him about how you feel, with calm and no accusation, let him know that you need more security. as for her , she must be either a psycho or a desperate lonely woman 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I look after him on all levels. He is an handsome guy I tell him as much. In the bedroom I tire him out, we talk about everything, so I thought! I think he is feeling a little insecure, he hasn't been well recently and I think this is maybe why he is looking for the validation? When I compliment him it's like it doesn't count because I'm his girlfriend. We are planning a future, we have shared goals. So I really don't get it. I was hoping it was a guy thing the validation, but without crossing the line! I think he is feeling a little insecure, he hasn't been well recently -- how so? Physically or emotionally? When I compliment him it's like it doesn't count because I'm his girlfriend -- how does he respond when you compliment him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Strongrunner Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 He has a chronic physical illness. The symptoms can be non existent one day and really stop him in his tracks another. He gets tired, achey, physically sick which in turn makes him feel down. He thinks this makes him unattractive. I just love him and support him more on these days. I just get awww baby I'm so not, I don't know why you love me so much, you are beautiful inside and out. From this perspective I could see why some validation from another woman would help. But he crossed the line, which he has apologised a million times for. He has told me, we either move on from it or we split up. We can't keep arguing and tearing each other apart. In his head he knew nothing would ever come of it, and it didn't make him feel good like he thought it would it made him he just felt **** and guilty. Initially it did until the flirting started. I can forgive him I think but it's the whole trust thing. Has he stopped talking to her, when his phone goes off is that her? :-( I think it's something that would take time to move past if at all. I think he is feeling a little insecure, he hasn't been well recently -- how so? Physically or emotionally? When I compliment him it's like it doesn't count because I'm his girlfriend -- how does he respond when you compliment him? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I just get awww baby I'm so not, I don't know why you love me so much, you are beautiful inside and out. From this perspective I could see why some validation from another woman would help. That's just crap. If he really feels that way then there's no way in hell he'd jeopardise your relationship by seeking affections elsewhere. but it's the whole trust thing. Has he stopped talking to her, when his phone goes off is that her? :-( I think it's something that would take time to move past if at all. Well, quite. In the initial phases of rebuilding trust he should be totally open and honest. He should show you his phone, email, etc whenever you want. You are not being paranoid or untrusting by checking these on a regular basis, you are verifying his words match his actions. Giving him privacy back is good in the long term but only when trust is rebuilt. If he refuses to show you his phone/email or tells you you're being paranoid, untrusting, annoying, insecure etc... then you have to ask... what is he hiding? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 He has a chronic physical illness. The symptoms can be non existent one day and really stop him in his tracks another. He gets tired, achey, physically sick which in turn makes him feel down. He thinks this makes him unattractive. I just love him and support him more on these days. I just get awww baby I'm so not, I don't know why you love me so much, you are beautiful inside and out. From this perspective I could see why some validation from another woman would help. But he crossed the line, which he has apologised a million times for. He has told me, we either move on from it or we split up. We can't keep arguing and tearing each other apart. In his head he knew nothing would ever come of it, and it didn't make him feel good like he thought it would it made him he just felt **** and guilty. Initially it did until the flirting started. I can forgive him I think but it's the whole trust thing. Has he stopped talking to her, when his phone goes off is that her? :-( I think it's something that would take time to move past if at all. Of course, you will need time and he will need to demonstrate consistently and for a long time that he is trustworthy. I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to ask him to show you his phone a couple of times when it rings as a demonstration of "transparency" between you two. You do need to "put it away" though. This was really only just a blip. It feels bigger to you I know, but he did not actually pursue or act on anything. If, however, there is another "blip", yeah, I'd be gone. If this were not a longer term relationship, I wouldn't put any effort into it. But, its been good enough and long enough to warrant some give here. I wish you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Strongrunner Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 You are right it seems so much bigger to me than him. If I am to move forward than yes I have to put it away, so to speak. But I will be asking to see his phone a few times once in a while, see how he reacts. He asks to borrow my phone a lot, and without hesitation I just hand it over. I can safely say if it ever happens again I won't even hesitate I'm gone! It's taking a lot to let this go. Of course, you will need time and he will need to demonstrate consistently and for a long time that he is trustworthy. I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to ask him to show you his phone a couple of times when it rings as a demonstration of "transparency" between you two. You do need to "put it away" though. This was really only just a blip. It feels bigger to you I know, but he did not actually pursue or act on anything. If, however, there is another "blip", yeah, I'd be gone. If this were not a longer term relationship, I wouldn't put any effort into it. But, its been good enough and long enough to warrant some give here. I wish you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 It is possible she is very smart and knows exactly what to say to rattle your cage. You can easily imagine this would not be the first time she has gone through something like this, so of course she knows the tricks. Even so, i think it is fair to say that in any relationship, if you suddenly had access to everything your partner ever said when you were not around, there will be upsetting things to be found. The lesson here is that it is what your partner says to 'YOU' that counts, and the way he treats you and responds to you and shows you his affection. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Strongrunner Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 I was really happy with him before I discovered this. Attentive, very loving and affectionate. Now my head is totally messed up. I didn't see him last night, the messages I sent had no response, even the goodnight text. So of course my mind was thinking is he her chatting to her, meeting her? On paper they are more suited, but as my boyfriend told me you can't choose who you fall in love with. He could apologise everyday and reassure me and the mistrust is still there. I just don't think I can get it back now. I'm just doing my own head in everyday. It is possible she is very smart and knows exactly what to say to rattle your cage. You can easily imagine this would not be the first time she has gone through something like this, so of course she knows the tricks. Even so, i think it is fair to say that in any relationship, if you suddenly had access to everything your partner ever said when you were not around, there will be upsetting things to be found. The lesson here is that it is what your partner says to 'YOU' that counts, and the way he treats you and responds to you and shows you his affection. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I was really happy with him before I discovered this. Attentive, very loving and affectionate. Now my head is totally messed up. I didn't see him last night, the messages I sent had no response, even the goodnight text. So of course my mind was thinking is he her chatting to her, meeting her? On paper they are more suited, but as my boyfriend told me you can't choose who you fall in love with. He could apologise everyday and reassure me and the mistrust is still there. I just don't think I can get it back now. I'm just doing my own head in everyday. He is your bf of a year, you do not even live together, he has been found to be (at least) emotionally cheating on you with another woman, he is NOT your husband of 20 years and the father of your three kids, so there is no real need for you to stick around. I know he is good looking and he is a "father" figure for your boys, but he is playing you here. Life is too short for you to spend your time wondering if he has found a way to speak to her/contact her/see her without you finding out. I think the fact she calls YOU "the other woman" is fairly illuminating. SHE is not the enemy of your happiness, HE is. SHE, I guess is just reflecting back, what HE is telling her. #1 So last night when he popped out to the shop (we don't live together) I checked his phone. And there it was texts to another woman. I was devastated. She knew he was in a relationship with me, and called me the other woman! He didn't say anything in his texts about loving her, anything sexual just the care was there. That he wished he was in Cornwall with her, that he didn't like her being so far away and she replied how do you think I feel you going away with another woman! (We are supposed to be going on holiday with my boys tomorrow!) Goodnight text messages, wishing she had met him before he met me etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Strongrunner Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 We are not living together because I'm not ready yet. He would move in with me tomorrow. I agree she has been reflecting what has been said, she also knows he is in a relationship with someone who has kids. She could have said look, get back in touch when you are single, but she didn't instead she is poisoning him against me. Personally I would never get involved with another womans bloke but that is just me! I'm sat at my desk heartbroken today, sure I could carry on, and have the distrust which is painful, or walk away in pain and misery. I love him with all my heart, I never thought I would love again. Is it such a big deal to ask that he stayed faithful? Sure he didn't sleep with her, but he might as well of done! He is your bf of a year, you do not even live together, he has been found to be (at least) emotionally cheating on you with another woman, he is NOT your husband of 20 years and the father of your three kids, so there is no real need for you to stick around. I know he is good looking and he is a "father" figure for your boys, but he is playing you here. Life is too short for you to spend your time wondering if he has found a way to speak to her/contact her/see her without you finding out. I think the fact she calls YOU "the other woman" is fairly illuminating. SHE is not the enemy of your happiness, HE is. SHE, I guess is just reflecting back, what HE is telling her. Link to post Share on other sites
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