She won't leave my man alone.

[TaraMaiden2]

He's obviously not 'your man'.

You may think he is, but you're so, so wrong.

If he's living on borrowed time (relationship-wise) then I suggest you ring that last round bell, and call this a day.

 

You can never trust him again, and he's obviously totally involved with the love, adoration and adulation BOTH women are giving him.

 

Let her have him.

He's not worth your time.

Oh, and - don't worry.

He's done it to you, he will do it to her.

 

She's a weak-minded individual who knows he has a LT GF, but still refuses to let go.

Ergo, she's clingy, needy and wants the attention he gives her.

 

Don't be like her.

Let him go.

I wouldn't think twice, myself.....

[elaine567]

We are not living together because I'm not ready yet. He would move in with me tomorrow. I agree she has been reflecting what has been said, she also knows he is in a relationship with someone who has kids. She could have said look, get back in touch when you are single, but she didn't instead she is poisoning him against me. Personally I would never get involved with another womans bloke but that is just me! I'm sat at my desk heartbroken today, sure I could carry on, and have the distrust which is painful, or walk away in pain and misery. I love him with all my heart, I never thought I would love again. Is it such a big deal to ask that he stayed faithful? Sure he didn't sleep with her, but he might as well of done!

 

Some people simply see what they want and go for it.

He is single, he is NOT living with you, your kids are NOT his and he is encouraging her, so, as she said "Sod it, why not?" - Life is too short to not go after what you want.

She may be needy, clingy, crazy, a stalker, or she is just a woman besotted by a man who says all the right things and promises more of the same. She, I guess, feels she is fighting for her man and you are just collateral damage. The end justifies the means.

 

YOU on the other hand, are seeing a man who has taken your love and your care for him when he is ill, and thrown it back in your face.

He is 48, not 18. If he was serious about you, he would have cut her off dead, he didn't, he encouraged her.

Dating for less than a year, you were in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, but instead of basking in "the love", he was essentially chasing after another woman.

 

When I compliment him it's like it doesn't count because I'm his girlfriend.

I guess it doesn't count, because he is not feeling it and maybe because you are NOT her.

 

I think you manufactured a lovely story here, a story that doesn't bear scrutiny, unfortunately.

[Strongrunner]

I will write that down, if you are not living together you are single! I'm sure a lot of couples that are in committed relationships that are not yet living together for various reasons will be surprised to read that! Better warn them they are fair game! It's rubbish, it comes to the person, in this case a woman who just has no self worth but to chade a fantasy of a guy she really doesn't know.

 

 

Some people simply see

what they want and go for it.

He is single, he is NOT living with you, your kids are NOT his and he is encouraging her, so, as she said "Sod it, why not?" - Life is too short to not go after what you want.

She may be needy, clingy, crazy, a stalker, or she is just a woman besotted by a man who says all the right things and promises more of the same. She, I guess, feels she is fighting for her man and you are just collateral damage. The end justifies the means.

 

YOU on the other hand, are seeing a man who has taken your love and your care for him when he is ill, and thrown it back in your face.

He is 48, not 18. If he was serious about you, he would have cut her off dead, he didn't, he encouraged her.

Dating for less than a year, you were in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, but instead of basking in "the love", he was essentially chasing after another woman.

 

I guess it doesn't count, because he is not feeling it and maybe because you are NOT her.

 

I think you manufactured a lovely story here, a story that doesn't bear scrutiny, unfortunately.

[kendahke]

To cut a long story short, I found inappropriate text messages between my boyfriend and another woman. He met her once and she contacted him a year later. She knows my man is in a relationship but she pursued him anyway. My man was flattered, flirted got carried away and it broke my heart to see the messages. They are both to blame I know that! But my man said if he felt anything for her he would be with her not me. He said he was flattered and just got carried away.

 

He told her not to contact him anymore. But she still does, and it has caused many arguments. The last e-mail went along the lines of I know you told me not to contact you, but I'm single and I contact who I want so sod it. Then went on to share an Instagram quote saying pretty much don't sacrifice your happiness to make someone else happy while you are in misery! This angered me so much. I just can't deal with this anymore. My man keeps saying he can't control what she sends, but he can ignore it.

 

I just feel the emotional cheating took the trust, then now this woman is acting stalker like. But then I think where does she get all these ideas from, thinking he is miserable for example? I just feel like ending things for good with my man, because every time I hear his phone go, I think it's her. I always want to check his phone when his back is turned. I have never been like this. I only checked it the once when he started been guarded with his phone. I'm not happy at all :-( How do I deal with this?

 

She's not stalking him. He's given her a green light to contact him. If he was serious about not wanting to hear from her, then she'd have been blocked. All cell phones have apps to block phones.

 

Re: where she got that he was in misery: him. I take it you didn't find any messages from him stating that she was dead wrong about his state of happiness? Then he's been telling her something other than what he's been telling you.

 

You deal with it by telling him that you've seen the texts between them, that every time his phone goes off, you want to check to see who is contacting him and that you know that is no way to live your life and that you're going to move on. You don't trust him, so why be with someone you can't trust? He told you that he can't stop her from contacting him. True---but he can put her on block which he has chosen not to do. THAT is your issue.

[kendahke]

I will write that down, if you are not living together you are single! I'm sure a lot of couples that are in committed relationships that are not yet living together for various reasons will be surprised to read that! Better warn them they are fair game! It's rubbish, it comes to the person, in this case a woman who just has no self worth but to chade a fantasy of a guy she really doesn't know.

 

It is a fantasy that he is encouraging. Therein lies the difference.

[elaine567]

I will write that down, if you are not living together you are single! I'm sure a lot of couples that are in committed relationships that are not yet living together for various reasons will be surprised to read that! Better warn them they are fair game! It's rubbish, it comes to the person, in this case a woman who just has no self worth but to chade a fantasy of a guy she really doesn't know.

 

YOU have been dating for only a year, he lives by himself, you have not taken it to the next level, you are not his wife, his co habitee, not even, maybe according to him, his gf, maybe just "a woman he spends some time with", you don't know what he told her/is tellng her.

He IS fair game, I am sorry to say.

He is acting like he is not attached, so why would she think that his relationship with you was serious?

YOU are putting your hate onto her, when she is a single woman who has not promised anything to anyone.

 

HE, on the other hand, led you to believe he was only interested in you, when he was at the same time chasing another woman.

The truth here is that YOU thought you were in a "committed" relationship, whilst he obviously didn't think that way at all, no matter what he may have told you.

 

Yes, she may be a bit of a predator, and it may suit you to think that way, but perhaps she is the victim, merely responding to HIS predator behaviour, have you considered that?

[PegNosePete]

It seems that whatever anyone says, you are going to see her as the devil incarnate.

 

And he likes to play with the devil.

 

So what are you going to do about it? Trying to change the devil is fruitless...

[Strongrunner]

We both work but we see each other every evening in the week, and spend the whole weekend together. Yes he calls me his girlfriend I have met his family I'm known as his other half. His friends know we are together even his boss at work. I have 2 boys to consider so sorry for not jumping into moving in together until we are all ready! They lost their dad, he died so it's not clear cut. The boys have also built up a relationship with him! It's been the past month not all of our relationship! No he's not fair game!

 

I'm not stupid I know what he has been up to, he is also to blame, more so! But this other woman is not the innocent party either! I don't get why most of you are saying the woman is innocent in all this? All her messages indicate she knows we are tigether. Sure he may not be the boys dad, but dont you think me ending the relationship won't effect them? But anyway I'm not dreaming up my relationship and it's not always clear cut as you are making out!

 

 

YOU have been dating for only a year, he lives by himself, you have not taken it to the next level, you are not his wife, his co habitee, not even, maybe according to him, his gf, maybe just "a woman he spends some time with", you don't know what he told her/is tellng her.

He IS fair game, I am sorry to say.

He is acting like he is not attached, so why would she think that his relationship with you was serious?

YOU are putting your hate onto her, when she is a single woman who has not promised anything to anyone.

 

HE, on the other hand, led you to believe he was only interested in you, when he was at the same time chasing another woman.

The truth here is that YOU thought you were in a "committed" relationship, whilst he obviously didn't think that way at all, no matter what he may have told you.

 

Yes, she may be a bit of a predator, and it may suit you to think that way, but perhaps she is the victim, merely responding to HIS predator behaviour, have you considered that?

[qubist]

Strongrunner: You can never know for sure what he is up to, the only thing you can control is what you do. if I had to guess, I really think that he wants to be with you not her, but like every other man he enjoyed the fact that she showed interest. just be honest with him about your jealousy without attacking him and be vigilant. ask him to consider your feelings by doing more effort to avoid her.

[elaine567]

We both work but we see each other every evening in the week, and spend the whole weekend together. Yes he calls me his girlfriend I have met his family I'm known as his other half. His friends know we are together even his boss at work. I have 2 boys to consider so sorry for not jumping into moving in together until we are all ready! They lost their dad, he died so it's not clear cut. The boys have also built up a relationship with him! It's been the past month not all of our relationship! No he's not fair game!

 

I'm not stupid I know what he has been up to, he is also to blame, more so! But this other woman is not the innocent party either! I don't get why most of you are saying the woman is innocent in all this? All her messages indicate she knows we are tigether.

 

You can shout to the world you are his gf, but that was not the point I was trying to make. What he told her, is what is important and if he told her you were just some woman he is seeing and it is "nothing serious", then you have a big problem.

 

No-one believes she is "innocent", she merely saw an opportunity and ran with it, with his encouragement.

 

Sure he may not be the boys dad, but dont you think me ending the relationship won't effect them?

 

Don't stay with a man who you have dated for only a year and he is already cheating on you, to spare the feelings of your sons, that is simply nonsense and you know it. Do not use them as an excuse here.

 

Stay if you want, if he ever answers the texts you sent, but I think you will regret it - he is not the man you want him to be.

[Strongrunner]

No I didn't mean I would stay with him to spare the boys, I meant if it wasn't serious he wouldn't have built the relationship up with them in the first place. To be honest sparing the boys would be ending the relationship, I don't want them around someone like that. Agreed I have no idea how he has painted our relationship, I suspect badly to encourage her. I think it's time to move on and good luck to both of them!

 

 

You can shout to the world you are his gf, but that was not the point I was trying to make. What he told her, is what is important and if he told her you were just some woman he is seeing and it is "nothing serious", then you have a big problem.

 

No-one believes she is "innocent", she merely saw an opportunity and ran with it, with his encouragement.

 

 

 

Don't stay with a man who you have dated for only a year and he is already cheating on you, to spare the feelings of your sons, that is simply nonsense and you know it. Do not use them as an excuse here.

 

Stay if you want, if he ever answers the texts you sent, but I think you will regret it - he is not the man you want him to be.

[Strongrunner]

I appreciate your advice, but the trust has gone and it's tormenting me, I just can't see a way forward.

 

 

Strongrunner: You can never know for sure what he is up to, the only thing you can control is what you do. if I had to guess, I really think that he wants to be with you not her, but like every other man he enjoyed the fact that she showed interest. just be honest with him about your jealousy without attacking him and be vigilant. ask him to consider your feelings by doing more effort to avoid her.

[kendahke]

I don't get why most of you are saying the woman is innocent in all this?

 

No is saying that at all. She wants what she wants, but here is the crusher: YOUR BOYFRIEND ISN'T MAKING ANY SORT OF A MOVE WITH REGARDS TO HER THAT WOULD INDICATE THAT HE HOLDS YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN ABOVE HER.

 

Grown men know how to ask for what they want.

 

I think the messages you've been able to read before he snatched his phone from you should have spelled out clearly to you that 1. he wasn't encouraging her to keep contacting him 2. that he'd already put her on block. Those two actions scream "I'm not available to you". The fact that neither of these seem to be a part of his conversation with her illustrates exactly how he esteems both you and your children. She would not be able to carry on as she does if he was not encouraging it. Period. Fin.

 

All her messages indicate she knows we are tigether. Sure he may not be the boys dad, but dont you think me ending the relationship won't effect them? But anyway I'm not dreaming up my relationship and it's not always clear cut as you are making out!

 

I think that them watching their mother being emotionally debased by a man that is encouraging another woman's advances is more disrespectful to you and harmful to them and their psyche. I don't think being able to say "I got a man" means much when that man isn't acting like one who is thoroughly committed to you in every way, shape and form, especially when you're not in his presence.

 

He wants to play with her, that much is clear from what you've written here; and as long as that's his policy, then he's going to do what he needs to do to enact it, even if it means doing stuff behind your back and lying in your face, which he has done. IMO, that's not a real good role model to have around young impressionable boys.

[elaine567]

I think it's time to move on and good luck to both of them!

 

I think you are doing the right thing.

Bringing up two boys on your own is tough and especially since you are a widow, but you do not need this man here, bringing you down.

I am sure you can find a better man, a man who will respect, love and care for you - it is what you and your boys deserve.

[TaraMaiden2]

It can be done, and does happen.

 

A vg friend of mine was in a ltr with a guy who frankly, took her for granted, was controlling and a verbal bully.

He sulked if he didn't get his way, and deflected blame and responsibility onto her shoulders.

 

With 2 growing-up girls, it seemed to her as if she had to settle for what she could find, but about 2 years ago, she finally reached her limit, admitted defeat - and kicked him to the kerb.

Resigned to living her life on her own from then on, she met the most wonderful guy who puts her first, is considerate, thoughtful, loves the things she loves, shares her enthusiasm for her hobbies - and helps her with them - and is just an angel at her side.

 

He's an absolute treasure, and she can't imagine life without him - or he, without her.

They are made for one another, and are the blissfully perfect match.

 

It can happen, and there's no reason why it shouldn't happen to you....

[sandylee1]

OP

 

Just because you aren't married or living together, doesn't mean it's not a comitted relationship.

 

Always know that lots of people don't have the same morals as you do. They really don't give a damn if the guy is dating, engaged or married.

 

Let him be with her, then he'll want complements from someone else

 

Trust is priceless. You don't want to be wondering if he's messaging her all the time

 

For the future ....I agree you shouldn't live with boyfriends until you are totally sure because of your sons and getting attached to another man.

 

I reckon ending it with him is the right thing as you plan to.

[Strongrunner]

Thank you, yes I would never rush into moving in with a boyfriend because of the boys. It was 5 months before I even introduced the boys to him. He was really good with them though, always had time for them would spend hours doing little projects with them. Yes I have morals I would never get involved with a man in a relationship, I have more self worth. If the man is 'cheating' on his partner he would do just the same to you! Plus why cause so much pain the woman involved? It's really hurt me deeply, but yes it's down to 2 people not just the other woman pursuing.

 

He was at my door when I got in from work as I hadn't answered any of his phone calls in the day. I told him it was over, and he really fought to keep me. He didn't just accept it, and he has called again this morning. He said he hates her and himself for being so stupid, he said he is human and everyone makes mistakes. But he said it was a fantasy it wasn't real he never met with her. He said he has been feeling down, unattractive because he is getting old, and it was purely flattery that got carried away.

 

The thing is the trust has gone and where is a relationship without that? So moving on.

 

 

 

OP

 

Just because you aren't married or living together, doesn't mean it's not a comitted relationship.

 

Always know that lots of people don't have the same morals as you do. They really don't give a damn if the guy is dating, engaged or married.

 

Let him be with her, then he'll want complements from someone else

 

Trust is priceless. You don't want to be wondering if he's messaging her all the time

 

For the future ....I agree you shouldn't live with boyfriends until you are totally sure because of your sons and getting attached to another man.

 

I reckon ending it with him is the right thing as you plan to.

[TaraMaiden2]

.... He was at my door when I got in from work as I hadn't answered any of his phone calls in the day. I told him it was over, and he really fought to keep me. He didn't just accept it, and he has called again this morning. He said he hates her and himself for being so stupid, he said he is human and everyone makes mistakes. But he said it was a fantasy it wasn't real he never met with her. He said he has been feeling down, unattractive because he is getting old, and it was purely flattery that got carried away.

All the excuses... basically, what he's saying is that his ego got the better of him.

Flattery obviously got her everywhere.

 

Act in haste... well, he's got plenty of leisure-time to repent now, hasn't he?

So typical.

 

People just don't THINK.

They don't stop to consider the consequences.

He also just never believed you would actually dump him.

 

The thing is the trust has gone and where is a relationship without that? So moving on.

 

Well damn good for you.

*round of applause*

[mystikmind2005]

Seems to be most of the advise is to move on, and i can understand the logic to that. However, the value of the relationship seems to greatly outweigh the transgression, but that's just my opinion.

 

I also think he just seems to be a bit slow to understand what this all means.... which may be hard to believe i know, given how men are usually always so quick to understand things! lol

 

There is plenty of reading on the internet you can look up to help deal with the trust issue.

[TaraMaiden2]

Seems to be most of the advise is to move on, and i can understand the logic to that. However, the value of the relationship seems to greatly outweigh the transgression, but that's just my opinion.

The value of a relationship is determined by how much effort, commitment and dedication each person puts in.

They have to balance, if not match.

It is clear that it is severely lacking on his side, and has only been protested as evident or significant now that the OP has determined an end to it.

Too little, too late.

It's like adding the yeast to a pizza base, just as it comes out of the oven.

 

 

 

I also think he just seems to be a bit slow to understand what this all means.... which may be hard to believe i know, given how men are usually always so quick to understand things! lol

There is no speed required.

Communication of the kind he has been indulging in, in spite of his GF's protests and objection, is totally unacceptable, in ANY relationship.

His engagement with this other woman, and the quality and timbre of their texts, is entirely disrespectful and inappropriate.

How could he possibly NOT understand that?

 

 

There is plenty of reading on the internet you can look up to help deal with the trust issue.

There's no point 'reading anything. It's abundantly clear that the OP's ex simply has never been even on 'the same page'.