I'm married but want to get my guy friend to have sex with me

[Furious]

A very short summary of my situation:

I'm in my early 30s. I've been married for 10 yrs. Believe me when I tell you I adore my husband and our sex life is great. But I find myself in a situation I never thought I'd be in. I madly want to have sex with my guy friend. I.knew this guy in high school, but we were just acquaintances. He moved away and I didn't think about him after that. A couple months ago he saw me on faceFacebook and friended me because a high school alumni group we were both members of had flagged me as a mutual friend of several of our classmates.

We talked innocently about work, my family, just small talk. But things rapidly changed. I felt myself being drawn to him physically. I flirted with him via text. I've sent him very suggestive posts and outright told him I want to visit and have sex with him (he is several states away).

He was receptive at first, but then backed off and said he didn't want to cause me any marital problems and wanted to be just friends. I am not interested in the morality or ethics of what I want. I want to know how I can get him to agree to see me. I have never wanted a guy as much as I want him, or been so sure about wanting sex with a guy. Any non judgemental advice appreciated.

 

 

I guess the suggestive posts to your high school crush didn't do it for him. Odds are you scared the heck out of him as someone unhinged.

 

I doubt there's anything you can do to get him to agree to see you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Well then just go and bloody do it already. All this time wasted here you could have fked him seven ways til' Sunday by now.

 

Agreed. Just show up at his front door nude with a bottle of champagne and a big smile. In my single days an exGF did this, it was a remarkably effective method of seduction.

 

But then you're not looking for hints on technique, you want validation. Why is that :confused:???

 

Mr. Lucky

[qubist]

Maymaymay: you have self diagnosed yourself with high sexual drive and gave yourself based on that the right to lust after a sexual relationship with a specific partner which happen to be an old HS friend. you described your M as a good one to a very good H whom you love. this is all according to you.

first of all, you need to make sure that the self-diagnosis is correct before you jeopardize you M. I'm not an expert, but I know that people with high sex drive do not necessary have a specific partner they want to have sex with they just want sex period, also it doesn't just happen in the 30s, if you are really that aggressive sexually you would've felt it way before in fact it would've been more excessive in your mid 20s. what does suddenly happens in the 30s and/or 40s is a temporary hormonal changes that could affect your sexuality, the fact that all this started immediately after you got back in touch with an old friend support the latest suggestion . so I would recommend to evaluate yourself before you jump any bridge. you need to be evaluated professionally by a therapist and a physician.

If, in deed, you find out that you have a high sexual drive, you should respect the good M you claimed you have, and talk to your H about it, show him the evidence then ask for an open relationship.

something would have to give up in this case, if he says NO you will have to make on of the sacrifices either M or your desires. if he is Ok with the idea of an open relationship you should educate yourself about it first. it is not as easy as you having sex with other men with your H knowledge and blessing, he would not grant you that blessing if he knows that you are interested particularly in one partner he would never accept that.

One thing for sure, if you are going to sleep with anybody just let H know one way or another

[maymaymay]

No...the immoral and selfish disgusts people.

 

Selfish I give you, but immoral no. Unethical maybe, because of a commitment in marriage, mortality is relative unless you are trying to claim there is such thing as a universal moral code, and if so which moral code would that be?

Christian, Islamic, Buddhist, atheist, what world view is this moral.stance based on?

[maymaymay]

Agreed. Just show up at his front door nude with a bottle of champagne and a big smile. In my single days an exGF did this, it was a remarkably effective method of seduction.

 

But then you're not looking for hints on technique, you want validation. Why is that :confused:???

 

Mr. Lucky

Really. This wouldn't freak him out, seeing as I'm cross country and he has roomates?

 

I'm not a stalker, lol.

[eye of the storm]

I'm a stay at home mom with insomnia. I have tons of free time.

 

Ahhhh now I understand why she "loves" her H and doesn't want to get divorced. She would have to get a job.

 

Maybe if she had more to do she wouldn't have so much time to focus on destroying her M and her children's lives.

 

Nothing this OP reads is going to change her mind. She is only focused on her wants and not her H or her children's needs.

 

I feel so bad for her family.

[maymaymay]

Not unfathomable, just goes against the very vows you took.

What's worse is as another poster previously stated, should something go south in your marriage, your husband is probably on the hook for you anyway. Just because of the "unfathomable".

 

If you didn't care about "societal expectations", you wouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

 

I have no problem with women expressing this desires, it's just that I am 100% positive that you would have a problem if you found out your husband already did this to you. Of course, you won't admit that, after everything you've posted here.

 

Your thread doesn't cause "fear" in me nor does it scare me. For a quick second, it was disgust, now, it's just pity... for your husband. He gets to pay for your mistakes and your sins.

 

I got married 10 yrs ago. Of course I cared about societal expectations at 22 yrs old. People change.

[maymaymay]

Maybe go to the doctor to get something to help with that. Sleep is important.

 

Based on what you are saying you are already committing emotional adultery with OM. Does your husband know you are currently committing emotional adultery? That you are spending hours talking and texting this guy? Is he okay with that?

 

You say you love your husband? How can you love someone when you are in active emotional adultery with someone else?

 

Unless he is okay with it in some sort of agreed on open marriage.

I don't know how but I do. I love my husband and list my friend.

 

Don't tell me you believe someone can't possibly have feelings for more than one person at a time?'

[maymaymay]

I'm going to give my friend some space and stop coming on so strong.

[GunslingerRoland]

Selfish I give you, but immoral no. Unethical maybe, because of a commitment in marriage, mortality is relative unless you are trying to claim there is such thing as a universal moral code, and if so which moral code would that be?

Christian, Islamic, Buddhist, atheist, what world view is this moral.stance based on?

 

I agree that there is no single universal moral code, but there are some things that are universally moral (and thus in every one of the religions you listed and often supported by laws). One of those things is that sleeping with someone else behind your spouses back and lying to them about it is wrong. Not only is it in every religions marriage vows, if you asked 100 atheists on the street I'm pretty sure 98 of them would agree.

 

It's wrong what you are doing. Now I firmly believe in, let he who has not sinned cast the first stone, but don't try and convince anyone including yourself that what you are doing isn't wrong and is justifiable in any way.

[SoulStorm]

I don't know how but I do. I love my husband and list my friend.

 

Don't tell me you believe someone can't possibly have feelings for more than one person at a time?'

 

Ok..bored insomniac housewife who wants to have a fling with an old HS friend who may be in her first throes of menopause and early mid life crisis phase.

 

No advice for that...

 

Next!

[Sub]

The "societal expectations" line is ok coming from single people. For those who chose to get married and aren't in some sort of open R, it's just a convenient justification to mess around.

[eye of the storm]

Don't tell me you believe someone can't possibly have feelings for more than one person at a time?'

 

I do believe you can. But the lack of honesty is the problem.

 

Before my xMM and I became more serious, I was dating him and another guy. Both knew about the other. Both was fully aware.

 

Your H is not fully aware.

 

If you want to fight the "social conventions" then do it openly. Tell your H, "I am sexting this guy. I am planning on spending New Years Eve with him and we are going to have NSA sex." I would also inform your H that you are not planning on using protection so he can make arrangements to protect himself.

 

I do not have a problem with open marriages. I do not have a problem with FWBs or ONSs. I esp do not have a problem with a woman fulfilling her sexual needs. I have a problem with the total lack of care for your family.

[daisygirl19]

Something to consider - right now, you think you can make this a one and done thing and move on from there. But what if that doesn't work? Before SO and I started our PA, we actually discussed a one and done to get it out of our systems thinking it would allow us to get rid of the sexual tension and move on. The exact opposite happened. One and done would have NEVER worked. Once we started our PA, there was no turning back. We were both completely hooked.

[CarrieT]

it's a feeling I can't ignore.

Of course you can. You are CHOOSING not to let it subside - which it will.

 

It's interesting how one transgression seems to make me a HORRIBLE person.

Good. We are trying to show you that if you go through with it, you will feel worse.

[Davey L]

I think your approach to this old friend is too forward. Men enjoy the chase as much as the end result. Back off a bit and he might be more interested.

 

To get a man's advice on how to play it I suggest you show the message you want to send your other man to your husband and ask him what he thinks. I am sure you will get some very clear and forthright advice from him.

[truncated]

Apparently a MW openly pursuing a purely sexual relationship with a single man is bothering them.

I know the pretense is because it goes against societal expectations of fidelity and marital dynamics but I also suspect it bothers some that a woman is being upfront and honest about her motivations about sex without excusing it under the guise of being in love with another man or in a crappy marriage.

 

I love my marriage, am in love with my husband, yet still am considering a sexual affair.

 

It is unfathomable, and the unfathomable scares people.

 

No, what bothers people is that anyone, be they male or female, would risk hurting someone hey say they love and is a good person for a roll in the hay.

It's got nothing to do with you being a woman, or societal expectations or anything else.

 

I'm not trying to be snide, but the fact that you don't see that is really telling. You are coming across as someone who is quite self centered, which is not the same as self confident.

 

btw, it's not a one time only thing. You have been emotionally cheating on your husband for months.

[Sastrugi]

The "societal expectations" line is ok coming from single people. For those who chose to get married and aren't in some sort of open R, it's just a convenient justification to mess around.

 

Agreed, if maymay would be honest with her husband, then most would not consider it cheating.

 

It is really quit simple maymay.

 

Book a hotel in the same town as your om. long weekend coming up, why not book this weekend? Invite your om out for dinner. Tell the om it will be nothing more than dinner. See how the first date goes before deciding if you want to consummate the affair.

 

Tell your husband your plans. Frankly i think most of us would agree that it is not the extra sex that kills the marriage, it is the lying and dishonesty.

 

Being honest with your husband will allow you to be true to your self.

 

All the best,

S.

[maymaymay]

I agree that there is no single universal moral code, but there are some things that are universally moral (and thus in every one of the religions you listed and often supported by laws). One of those things is that sleeping with someone else behind your spouses back and lying to them about it is wrong. Not only is it in every religions marriage vows, if you asked 100 atheists on the street I'm pretty sure 98 of them would agree.

 

It's wrong what you are doing. Now I firmly believe in, let he who has not sinned cast the first stone, but don't try and convince anyone including yourself that what you are doing isn't wrong and is justifiable in any way.

"Rand provides a few arguments advocating ethical egoism which would seem to make adultery acceptable in all cases. Her argument on “wants and needs” states that if wants and needs are indeed personal, then we should only be concerned about ourselves. Furthermore her argument on privacy comes to the conclusion that deciding what is best for others is immoral. These arguments seem to universally support adultery. Rand argues that it is impossible to know what other people want, so therefore it would be acceptable to commit adultery in all cases because we do not know what our significant others are thinking. They may want us to go out and have a rendez-vous for all we know. Also, I feel Rand would argue that deciding adultery would harm your spouse and others is wrong because it is immoral to decide what is best for them. With that thought in mind, that must make adultery moral by association. Whether or not we think we will get away with adultery, it is perfectly reasonable to commit the act because we should only be concerned with ourselves. We can not know what other people want or what is best for them."

The Morality of Adultery

 

 

 

I still concede you are conflating ethics and morality. Morality is a perscribed set of behavioral rules agreed upon by a group, ethics is a consideration of the impact of behavior on oneself and others.

 

Morality is highly subjective and using the rationale that religions advocate a certain brand of morality fails to ask the question of why? This goes into nuances I don't think you are prepared to discuss.

[Zagan]

If a woman sent me the text message that you wrote out here planning to send this guy, I would leg it. It came across as pushy, obsessive and downright desperate.

 

There's no point debating morals and ethics. The fact is you are married and doing these things is hurting and will hurt the man you claim to be in love with, and that is what most people here have trouble understanding.

Of course it's all down to you and your choices.

I don't think it's worth it. One night of over exaggerated over hyped passion to scratch your itch, it's not real world, it's fantasy. And screwing with something real that you are already blessed with for a fantasy that will never live up to your expectation is insane.

[truncated]

If you are a stay at home parent, how will you get the money to pay for this cross country liaison?

 

Will you use the money your husband earned through his work?

 

How nice.

 

(btw, in spite of your protestations to the contrary, you seem to want to debate the morality and ethics of your situation, as if you didn't, you could easily have left out the part that you are married. No one would have known, and you could have asked your question about how to get a guy to sleep with you on a one time only basis in the dating section.

 

This would indicate one of two things:

 

- part of you knows this is wrong and you are hoping to get some advice or words that will convince yourself otherwise

 

- you are extremely self centered and lacking the ability to empathize with others

[GunslingerRoland]

"Rand provides a few arguments advocating ethical egoism which would seem to make adultery acceptable in all cases. Her argument on “wants and needs” states that if wants and needs are indeed personal, then we should only be concerned about ourselves. Furthermore her argument on privacy comes to the conclusion that deciding what is best for others is immoral. These arguments seem to universally support adultery.

 

 

I still concede you are conflating ethics and morality. Morality is a perscribed set of behavioral rules agreed upon by a group, ethics is a consideration of the impact of behavior on oneself and others.

 

Morality is highly subjective and using the rationale that religions advocate a certain brand of morality fails to ask the question of why? This goes into nuances I don't think you are prepared to discuss.

 

I don't know who Rand is, but if their theory is that we should only be concerned with ourselves, then that kind of goes against the whole idea of family bonds, not to mention society and civilization.

 

I'm not an English major by any means, I'll gladly concede that I don't know the exact definitions on morality and ethics.

 

But based on your description I don't think adultery in the sense of what you are proposing needs to be agreed on by others, because it is universally agreed to be ethically wrong.

[drifter777]

My spider-sense is tingling about this but it is certainly the kind of post that will get an overwhelming response from the folks on any Internet forum. It's therapeutic to vent our outrage from time-to-time.

 

OP isn't asking for permission or validation - she's asking for tips on how to get this guy to screw her. This is not a problem, it's an indication that you are not a very good looking woman. Any woman who is attractive at all knows all she has to do to get a guy to fu*k her is get on her knees and go to work. Never fails...

 

So, you are a married woman who claims to love her husband but is bound and determined to cheat on him. I say go right ahead. I do wonder how you will feel after the sweat dries, but in your case it's likely you will just want another round. It is possible that your husband knows all about your sexting and has laid a trap to catch you in the act with OM. Then he's going to divorce you - or thinks he will. Most men are stunned when they find that their wife - the person they trusted more than anyone else - has betrayed them by having sex with another man and will try to hold on to what they thought they had. They will try to reconcile but often the beat-down of their self-esteem and the relentless mind movie of you screwing another guy will make him crumble. He'll then either continue to live with you while an overwhelming sense of contempt for you grows in his heart. Or he'll care enough about himself to walk away from you.

 

I think you are a despicable person and encourage you to screw every single man you are attracted to. I mean, what the hell - it's fun, exciting, and it just feels soooo good! Screw whoever you want wherever you want. Make it a game to see how many notches you can get on your lipstick case before you get busted. And I'll see you in hell...

[cif]

Here's the text draft, with certain words censored:

 

"E,

all I can think about is seeing you and ****ing your brains out. I don't care any more if you think I'm too aggressive, or if you are worried about messing up my marriage, or you feel pressured by me. I don't care. I just want to rip your clothes off, explore every inch of your body, and **** you until we are both exhausted, trembling, and weak. I know I'm being selfish and lustful, but I don't care. You tell me the date and the place and I would be there. No second thoughts, no regrets. Just you and me and lots and lots of sex. I have never wanted a guy as much as I want you and it won't go away until I can do it. I promise you there are no strings attached. I just want to use you and for you to use me.

Let me come see you, then I can be just friends. No more pressure from me after that, I just need to do this so I can move on from this constant craving for you."

 

Nothing sexier to a man than a woman he doesn't want throwing herself at him. Not.

 

Wrong approach. Ignore him it's the best aphrodisiac.

[TX-SC]

I'm also an anthropologist with nearly 30 years experience. Yes, morality is a touchy subject but it really doesn't matter. What matters is how your husband would see this and the lying associated with cheating. So, would he be okay with this if he found out?

 

Would you be okay with your husband hooking up for some sex with an old friend? If so, perhaps pursue an open relationship, or give him a one-time hall pass.