I'm married but want to get my guy friend to have sex with me

[truncated]

I don't know who Rand is, but if their theory is that we should only be concerned with ourselves, then that kind of goes against the whole idea of family bonds, not to mention society and civilization.

 

I'm not an English major by any means, I'll gladly concede that I don't know the exact definitions on morality and ethics.

 

But based on your description I don't think adultery in the sense of what you are proposing needs to be agreed on by others, because it is universally agreed to be ethically wrong.

 

I assume she is referring to Ayn Rand, who was a 20th century philosopher.

 

The trouble is that the op is cherry picking to support her actions.

 

One of the main tenets of Rand's philosophy is "What is common amongst these different scenarios is the idea that the greatest good in the world is to be happy. Each individual person should be working toward what makes him or her happy, as long as it is not done at the expense of another person or people."

 

Examples of Objectivism

 

Seems like to op is falling short of that goal.

[MadJackBird]

I don't know how but I do. I love my husband and list my friend.

 

Don't tell me you believe someone can't possibly have feelings for more than one person at a time?'

 

Let's call a spade a spade. You are spending hours and hours calling and texting a man that is not your husband. You are currently engaged in emotional adultery. If left alone emotional adultery will lead to physical adultery. In fact that is your plan.

 

So it what ways is being an adulterer something someone would do to someone they love?

 

That is how most monogamous people think, however not everyone is into monogamy. Perhaps you are not. You owe your husband the truth about this revelation you are having, so he can decide if he wants to continue to be married to someone who doesn't want a monogamous relationship or not. Perhaps he is okay with it. Then you are home free. Your other man can have his blessing too.

 

If he isn't okay with it then you need to either stop participating in your emotional adultery that you are currently involved in and give your husband 100% or allow him to divorce you so you both can pursue something you both deserve. Anything less then that is just cruel to him and not something a loving person would do.

Edited September 3, 2015 by MadJackBird

[Celestial-dreamer]

Oh my OP your arrogance is astounding. Your so confident IE FULL of yourself. How wonderful you have a degree. Amazing. So what?! Doesn't make you special at all. Why are you here? Seriously. Why? Your asking betrayed spouses how to CHEAT on your H. You have no morals or ethics and you don't respect your M or H. Go do what you want, just don't come crying to this board when H finds out and dumps you. We will be here for your H though.

 

Before you do the nasty, look at your wonderful loving H, the man who is there for you, you have a great life with, look into your children's eyes....then imagine their pain when they find out what you've done. All for one night with some old school friend. Stop thinking of yourself for 5 minutes and imagine that scenario. Your entire family destroyed by your actions. You say you wouldn't mind if your H banged another....your saying that only so you can justify yourself now. If OM wasn't in the picture, would you still say your H could have a ONS/EA/A just because he couldn't control himself? No...don't think so.

[autumnnight]

Selfish I give you, but immoral no. Unethical maybe, because of a commitment in marriage, mortality is relative unless you are trying to claim there is such thing as a universal moral code, and if so which moral code would that be?

Christian, Islamic, Buddhist, atheist, what world view is this moral.stance based on?

 

Whichever one does NOT celebrate lying to your spouse and breaking the vows you took.

[jen1447]

Oh my OP your arrogance is astounding. Your so confident IE FULL of yourself. How wonderful you have a degree. Amazing. So what?! Doesn't make you special at all.

 

She listed her education credentials bc another poster accused her of being "a bored housewife with nothing going on in her life, .... uneducated, have little to no discernible skills or training, unmotivated, entitled and have nothing of use or noteworthy to contribute to life or anyone." That was actually quoted in the very same post she listed her credentials.

[autumnnight]

"Rand provides a few arguments advocating ethical egoism which would seem to make adultery acceptable in all cases. Her argument on “wants and needs” states that if wants and needs are indeed personal, then we should only be concerned about ourselves. Furthermore her argument on privacy comes to the conclusion that deciding what is best for others is immoral. These arguments seem to universally support adultery. Rand argues that it is impossible to know what other people want, so therefore it would be acceptable to commit adultery in all cases because we do not know what our significant others are thinking. They may want us to go out and have a rendez-vous for all we know. Also, I feel Rand would argue that deciding adultery would harm your spouse and others is wrong because it is immoral to decide what is best for them. With that thought in mind, that must make adultery moral by association. Whether or not we think we will get away with adultery, it is perfectly reasonable to commit the act because we should only be concerned with ourselves. We can not know what other people want or what is best for them."

The Morality of Adultery

 

 

 

I still concede you are conflating ethics and morality. Morality is a perscribed set of behavioral rules agreed upon by a group, ethics is a consideration of the impact of behavior on oneself and others.

 

Morality is highly subjective and using the rationale that religions advocate a certain brand of morality fails to ask the question of why? This goes into nuances I don't think you are prepared to discuss.

 

Really? Ayn RAND is your example for a moral compass???

 

In that case, I really can't think of anything to say......

[Noideanow]

You are very wrong about OM.

 

He is upfront and told me the truth about his vacation schedule. He is a small business partner who can't just close up shop for a cross country booty call. That's not unbelievable nor particularly unusual.

 

As for his interest, he is very interested. He told me so. But he is bribg guarded for the exact reasons y'all are stating. Marriage, dusyance, uncertainties about reality when face to face versus our online interaction. We can talk on the phone for hours, but in person msy be different for him. His back peddling is a sign of self preservation not playing or lying. Everyone does that. I think you are being much to harsh on him.

 

My goal is to make him comfortable enough to let me visit so he isn't second guessing himself.

 

Dont you Care about his feelings? You say he selfpreserve, why not help protect him from you ?(you say you wanna stay married) i mean this here i stupid because one or both of you Will end up having feelings (if you dont both have already)

You have to begin to give serious thought to your life and everything you do in it, because something is out of order since this man Can make you so infatuated, your marriage in my opinion (forgive me) is nonexistent and nothing but a comfortable illusion:( i like that you for once insist on following your heart though, but i think your telling yourself lies around it to convince yourself that you Can stay in your marriage (for your children) and still see the other man:o

[Tread Carefully]

I love my marriage, am in love with my husband, yet still am considering a sexual affair.

 

It is unfathomable, and the unfathomable scares people.

 

No, what is unfathomable is the amount of disrespect you have for your husband.

 

You do not love him. Love, real love, doesn't cause pain or hurt. Love is protecting and treasuring the fragile heart that was gifted into your care. Love is trust.

 

When you truly love someone, you don't set out to do something that has the potential to destroy them.

[drifter777]

I don't know how but I do. I love my husband and list my friend.

 

Don't tell me you believe someone can't possibly have feelings for more than one person at a time?'

 

Yes, of course you can love one person and be horny for another person. Pretty much all of have those feelings all the time and don't get obsessed with boffing them.

 

Can you make it clear whether you:

 

a) will ask your husband about an open relationship?

 

b) ask your husband to do the MFM thing?

[WomenWubber]

Op. As a married woman with children, I think you ought to step up your game to attract the men you want. You have tried being 'approachable', which hasn't given you much results. How often do you hit the gym? Are you dating other men as well?

[maymaymay]

Could having an affair save your marriage? British scientist recommends 'good infidelity' and looking to the French for inspiration on successful relationships | Daily Mail Online

[Rejected Rosebud]

I'm sorry he doesn't want to have sex with you, I guess that kind of makes it all a moot question. I hope you find somebody who will though! :bunny: I do feel bad for your husband though, I hope he finds a good woman for himself sometime soon :(

[maymaymay]

Op. As a married woman with children, I think you ought to step up your game to attract the men you want. You have tried being 'approachable', which hasn't given you much results. How often do you hit the gym? Are you dating other men as well?

 

I've been.working out and losing weight rapidly since January. I've list over 30 lbs already. My goal is 30-40 more. I waited too long since my last was born 2 yrs ago to take care of myself again.

 

No, I didn't even intend on having this guy interested in me, but I can see how improving myself with a broader goal of general male attention could benefit me in hooking my guy friend. If he sees me as desirable to not just my husband his competitive instinct may kick in. Brilliant!

[maymaymay]

I'm sorry he doesn't want to have sex with you, I guess that kind of makes it all a moot question. I hope you find somebody who will though! :bunny: I do feel bad for your husband though, I hope he finds a good woman for himself sometime soon :(

 

He is well taken care of, trust me. I meet his every need.

He is really appreciating my improved physique, multiple times a week. I'd prefer daily but I understand when he's tired from working so much.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Could having an affair save your marriage? British scientist recommends 'good infidelity' and looking to the French for inspiration on successful relationships | Daily Mail Online

 

Now you just look silly quoting an article from the Daily Fail HAHAHAHAHA

Good one.

 

Now go read up on the betrayed spouses on here, THEN come and tell us having an affair is good for a marriage. Only cheaters say bull like that. It only benefits one person, and it's NOT the betrayed. Read these threads on here and listen with your heart (not your vagina) at the pain that's being poured out from the betrayed peoples hearts who have found their spouses cheating, its real raw pain. It's the worst pain you can imagine. But then again, you seem incapable of feeling any emotion other than selfishness. Have you ever felt real raw emotional pain it actually takes the breath from your lungs? Have you ever had your world crumble under you when you find your loved one has betrayed you, lied to you and deceived you? It's NOT a nice place to be.

 

And you want to do that to the H you say you love, just for one night with an old friend. Is it really worth losing your M for?

[SoulCat]

Could having an affair save your marriage? British scientist recommends 'good infidelity' and looking to the French for inspiration on successful relationships | Daily Mail Online

 

 

Oh dear, now you are quoting the Daily Mail...

Any respect I may have had for you is officially gone.

 

 

 

I'm out.

[Chi townD]

This thread is very sad. And what I find disturbing is other posters that are GIVING HER IDEA'S ON HOW TO DO THIS!!

 

 

Okay, you came on here wanting non-judgemental advice. You do realize that you are coming to a subforum were a lot of us have been hurt by the very thing you're intending to do, don't you? And it didn't end well for the rest of us.

 

 

You say you love your husband. No you don't.

 

 

If you TRULY love your husband you wouldn't even consider cheating on him. The thought alone should disgust you. And if you loved your husband, then doing something that could cost you losing your husband forever should scare the hell out of you.

 

 

You said you talked to your husband and you told him about this strong attraction to this OM. And you stated that he said that even if you did cheat, he would be disappointed but he wouldn't leave you. You do realize that he is human and is capable of changing his mind? You see, he can say that NOW because nothing has happened. As far as he was concerned, it was a hypothetical conversation. But, once you make it real, then all bets are off.

 

 

Your husband isn't stupid either. I'm pretty sure you've already planted a seed of doubt into his head. You're more concerned about when you can get with this douche rocket you want to cheat with, you don't seem a bit concerned about HOW you're going to get away from your husband? That you're going away with girlfriends for the weekend? Going to visit your mother who's been feeling a bit under the weather? You're husband (hopefully) isn't stupid. He's going to know. And how would you feel when you come back and all of your crap is on the front lawn and the locks have been changed? And the only communication is taped in a manila envelope taped to the door with divorce papers in?

 

 

And what if you happen to pull the wool over his eyes and you go on your weekend cheat fest. How could you look him in the eyes after that? How could you not be disgusted with yourself by betraying a man that has shown you nothing but kindness, love and respect for the majority of your marriage? If he ever does anything nice for you after that; how could you not feel guilty and think that you don't deserve his kindness after what you've done?

 

 

I really don't think that you've really thought about what you may lose if you go through with this. You'll lose a man that loved you, you'd lose your marriage, you'd lose the marital home if you're forced to sell, and you'd lose 50% of all of your martial assets. You'll lose respect from friends and disappoint your family when they discover WHY you're getting divorced. And what does the OM lose? Absolutely nothing.

 

 

Now, is it really worth it?

[sammy7111]

Glad your not my wife. Must suck for your husband

[WomenWubber]

I've been.working out and losing weight rapidly since January. I've list over 30 lbs already. My goal is 30-40 more. I waited too long since my last was born 2 yrs ago to take care of myself again.

 

No, I didn't even intend on having this guy interested in me, but I can see how improving myself with a broader goal of general male attention could benefit me in hooking my guy friend. If he sees me as desirable to not just my husband his competitive instinct may kick in. Brilliant!

 

Also your sex drive will be through the roof when you lose all that weight.

 

Work on those 2 things and by next year you may be enjoying a whole new life you wouldn't have dreamed possible.

[Rejected Rosebud]

He is well taken care of, trust me. I meet his every need.

He is really appreciating my improved physique, multiple times a week. I'd prefer daily but I understand when he's tired from working so much.

no no no, I wasn't talking about "good" in a sexual way, I was talking about someone who would be considered a good wife. No offense srsly!!! But this is obviously not your thing!! Anyway since you are excited about screwing around but you are evidently not attractive enough, I hope you can reach your goals!!! It really shouldn't be that hard, unfortunately there are alot of guys who will just go for it if it's really easy!!

[maymaymay]

It's only bad because we've cultivated a society of possessive sexual relationships, association of sex with self worth and valuing it only in terms of emotional intimacy, and the expectation of feelings of betrayal of our partner wanders.

We are expected to bemoan our inability to control our significant other, when in reality if we were less concerned with how outsiders viewed our interpersonal relationships and more about letting our partners express themselves (in all aspects not iust sex) we'd all be a helluva lot happier and content.

[kenji_t]

And now it's society's fault.

 

Let's see how it goes, my friends...

[GunslingerRoland]

It's only bad because we've cultivated a society of possessive sexual relationships, association of sex with self worth and valuing it only in terms of emotional intimacy, and the expectation of feelings of betrayal of our partner wanders.

We are expected to bemoan our inability to control our significant other, when in reality if we were less concerned with how outsiders viewed our interpersonal relationships and more about letting our partners express themselves (in all aspects not iust sex) we'd all be a helluva lot happier and content.

 

You're making it sound like this is a consensual thing... if your husband was okay with it, I'd be like go for it, have a good time.

 

You are lying and doing something behind your spouses back that you know will hurt them. Forget the sexual aspect, that is betrayal. How can your partner not feel betrayed by that if he finds out. You can pretend to be all philosophical about how you don't really know how he'd feel, but that is just BS. You already asked if you can have an open relationship and he said no.

 

This has nothing to do with how outsiders view your relationship. This is how your husband views your relationship. He views it as monogamous.

[S2B]

It's only bad because we've cultivated a society of possessive sexual relationships, association of sex with self worth and valuing it only in terms of emotional intimacy, and the expectation of feelings of betrayal of our partner wanders.

We are expected to bemoan our inability to control our significant other, when in reality if we were less concerned with how outsiders viewed our interpersonal relationships and more about letting our partners express themselves (in all aspects not iust sex) we'd all be a helluva lot happier and content.

 

WE? No, not we. You.

 

If this is what you believe then speak for yourself.

 

Please don't speak for all.

 

Perspective becomes skewed when cheating is considered.

[Chi townD]

It's only bad because we've cultivated a society of possessive sexual relationships, association of sex with self worth and valuing it only in terms of emotional intimacy, and the expectation of feelings of betrayal of our partner wanders.

We are expected to bemoan our inability to control our significant other, when in reality if we were less concerned with how outsiders viewed our interpersonal relationships and more about letting our partners express themselves (in all aspects not iust sex) we'd all be a helluva lot happier and content.

 

Sooooooo......if you're rejecting social and cultural norms in relationships, sex and marriage. Then, why the hell did you get married in the first place?!?!? Because, marriage is following a LOT of social and cultural normatives where you are promising to love, honor and cherish the person you've promised yourself to and are expected to follow that.